Subject: Musing: Can the Colonists take the Cylons to court? Date: Sun, 4 Feb 2001 From: "Lizbeth Marcs" I blame the fumes from housework. I blame searching my computer files fruitlessly for scraps of fanfic that I thought I would turn into a BSG story. I blame the fact that I was doing taxes last night. But the thought occurred: What if the colonists came across a planet where the inhabitants looked human, but weren't? What if they were an intergalactic species of lawyers whose job it is to litigate on behalf of disgruntled races? Now the backstory crossed my mind: The Cylons have come across this race but ran away in fear, opting instead to respect the race's overall neutrality rather than risk bringing the Lawyers Race into the empire. Besides, strict adherence to the letter of the law (any law, some law, Galactic Law?) might just appeal to the Cylons' sense of order. An orderly universe requires laws. This race enforces the law through lawsuits. Therefore, the Lawyers, ipso facto, (that's 'obviously' to you non-lawyers) are allies of the Cylons. Maybe. Now along come Our Heroes. They meet the Lawyers. They have never heard of this race of ambulance chasers. They are kind. They want to hear all about Our Hereos' troubles. They come up with a solution! Sue those ratbastard Cylons! Can we do that? Our Heroes wonder. I say they would sue, if only to get away from those blue protein cubes made of Lords of Kobol know what. Our Heroes want: Twelve paradise planets of Our Heroes' choosing, plus a promise from the Cylons not to attack said planets or races that choose to ally themselves with Our Heroes for 100,000 years, PLUS paid financial damages running into the billions of cubits. Did we mention a separate financial settlement for pain and suffering? Since the Cylons love order, they will be in court with bells on. They want to prove their case. Naturally some groups within the Lawyers would be representing the Cylons' interests (let's face it, these guys know how to play both ends against the middle). Now, anyone willing to discuss the legal arguments on both sides? Would the Colonists necessarily WIN the lawsuit? What witnesses would be called? Who would have to take the stand? Could this lawsuit last for eternity. Would the Cylons settle? What about Our Heroes? Anyone want to write a kicker of a court scene? I gotta admit, this whole thought struck me as completely hilarious while I was sweeping the floor. Like I said. Fumes. And this is why my therapist says I need medication. :-) Liz ;) lizbeth100@earthlink.net Greg suggests: Hehe, sounds like the attorney drones from www.schlockmercenary.com But is this a planet of honest or crooked lawyers? Would the Cylons bring in "expert witnesses" that end up backfiring on them? (Like that plastics expert in a certain recent and very public case in Florida.) I see the Cylons bringing in some surprise witnesses, the Ovions! "Your Honor, these *Colonials* deliberately and with malice aforethought did willfully BLOW UP OUR PLANET!" Liz responds: Ohhhh deaaahhhhhrrrrr, Hmmm, let's assume that the Lawyers are honest. They, in good faith, assume their clients are honest. Now, facts maybe facts, but the TRUTH is facts seen via a point of view. Take the Ovions. As Greg hilariouisly put it: >"Your Honor, these *Colonials* deliberately and with malice aforethought >did wilfully BLOW UP OUR PLANET!" First, the lawyers on both sides have to argue whether the Ovions' testimony is important to the case. *Colonials: They have nothing to do with the Cylons blowing up our planets *Cylons: They provided us with the fuel for our Fleet. They took in the Colonists as guests while those selfsame Colonists were fleeing our righteous conquest of their star system. Then the Colonists willfully destroyed the Ovion homeworld in a display of their instability, thus proving the righteousness of our cause to stamp them out like the vermin they are. Now let's assume the court decides that the Ovions' testimony has bearing on the case at hand: The Twelve Colonies of Man, et. al. v. The Glorious and Resplendant Cylon Empire, et. al We are assuming, of course, there are surviving Ovions to bear witness against the Colonials in a court of law. The fact that said Ovions were trying to eat the Colonials at the time may or may not come into play here. Let's face it: How many Colonials could the Ovions actually eat versus the millions of deaths caused by the Colonials blowing up their planet? Hmmmm, seems to me that the Colonials were overly harsh in defening themselves. All they had to do was kill a few Ovions to escape and instead they nearly wipe out the race. Sounds like a serious case of overkill to me. Definite pain and suffering, especially since the Ovions were being, well, Ovions. So here we have the TRUTH! The Colonials DID blow up their planet. In which case, the Ovions will probably get the right to sue Apollo and Starbuck as individuals. These two pretended to be squadrons , thus forcing the Cylon Basestar too close to the planet which then caused the fire which caused the planet to explode. Stay with me here. The Fleet will be a co-defendant in the suit since it is the "deep pocket." They employed said Apollo and Starbuck knowing them to be unstable, especially when left alone together in the same room WITHOUT adult supervision. I forsee a lien being slapped on one of those 12 planets should Our Heroes prevail in their suit against the Cylon Empire. Also, let's not forget, it was a burning Cylon Basestar flying too close to the planet that actually ignited it. The Ovions may wish to sue the Cylons for negligence: if they didn't descend to close to the planet's surface, the tylium wouldn't've ignited and OUR planet would've still been in ONE PIECE. Ratbastard Cylons! So Impy's crack legal team may want to seriously consider whether they want to call the Ovions to the witness stand. Now the fun part is if the Cylons decide to counter-sue over Gomoray and the nuisance provided by Commander "I'm the REAL hero here" Cain. This could get veeeerrryyyy messy Liz ;) lizbeth100@earthlink.net Robert adds: >PLUS paid financial damages running into the billions of cubits. Chief Cylon to Supreme Justice Taketh: "By your command. We do not have cubits, only circuits, chips, diodes and other electronic gazedtry. Our Inventor, Imperial Gadget, did not give us the value of monetary needs." Supreme Justice Taketh: "I see. You simply take control of planets or destroy them, but never horde the wealth. That is a problem. Poor pirates out there wouldn't know what to do with your zillowatt shells. We'll have to decide on another way for your empire to reimburse the Colonial Civilization." Silver Cylon 1: "I'll see your three circuits and raise you two chips." Chrome Cylon 3: "That's too much for me. I zap." Gold Cylon 7: "Only two chips? Hmmmmmmm. Oh the shame, the shame. I'll raise you two battery packs and a red eye recharger." Silver Cylon 1: "I'll have to cash in my five energy recharging cards for the red eye recharger, but only if includes bright red eyes." Gold Cylon 7: "It will. What do you have?" Silver Cylon 1: "I have two amps and three watts - a full diode." Gold Cylon 7: "Tsk Tsk. That will never do. I have an Impy Hand - Five Joker Jolts. Looks like you'll be shutting yourself down for the next four battles. IL-5, how much do we have now?" IL-5: "Enough to create two bridge monitors, three hand held medical scanners and a trigger for a Colonial Laser." Gold Cylon 7: "Send in the next assembled Cylon reject. If we don't ante up better, we'll be ejected from the baseship instead of rejected, and without a Raider to fly us in." Robert hanczykr@gmail.com Subject: Can Colonials Sue Cylons Date: Mon, 05 Feb 2001 From: BDconwayBCo@netscape.net (B. Conway) Robert passed this on from Liz: > Now, anyone willing to discuss the legal arguments on both sides? Would the Colonists necessarily WIN the lawsuit? What witnesses would be called? Who would have to take the stand? Could this lawsuit last for eternity? Would the Cylons settle? What about Our Hereos? Anyone want to write a kicker of a court scene?< Oh sure. JUDGE JUDY: Lieutenant, I trust there is a point to this endless questioning? LT.CAFFEY: Madam Judge, there is always a point to my questions. I merely need to fulfill all my contractual courtroom movie obligations first, before coming to the point. After all, I haven't yet shown my best pouty-face or my best angst-face, and, even you have to admit, Captain Apollo has a way big head-start on me in that area. After all, what would be the point if I came to the point already? JUDGE JUDY: Okay, okay, I get the point. Just get a move on, huh? LT. CAFFEY: For you, Judge, I'll make an exception this once, as long as the camera stays on my handsome, manly face longer than anyone else in the courtroom. JUDGE JUDY: Sold! Give the man some more camera time. Besides, he's kinda cute. LT. CAFFEY: Now, Imperious Leader... before I call up those two fake witnesses of mine who really don't know anything, I want to know one thing... IMPERIOUS LEADER: What do you want to know, you little snot? LT. CAFFEY: I want the truth! IMPERIOUS LEADER: You can't handle the truth! LT. CAFFEY: Did you order the code red... I mean blue... or was it green? Felgercarb, now I can't remember what colour it was! BOOMER: Is this guy for real? STARBUCK: I can't believe your father hired this guy to represent us. APOLLO: Father, are you on medication? This schmuck was the best you could do for a lawyer? LT. CAFFEY: I want an answer now! Did you order the code... thingie?! IMPERIOUS LEADER: Are you serious? ADAMA: Well, I don't know, he came well-recommended... APOLLO: Are you serious? COLONEL TIGH: Who recommended this guy?! ADAMA: Siress Belloby. She said he represented himself as well as any young man she'd ever met. TIGH: Adama, I don't think that's what she meant... There. Jus' like on television. Barb