Subject: Water from the Moon: Sheba's Diary
Date: Thu, 1 Mar 2001
From: ladyrae4@juno.com

I've looked everywhere I can
 Just to find a clue
 Oh to get to you
 And make you want me
 And I've run circles around the sun
 Chasin' after you
 Oh but it's no use 
 Can't you see that I'm going out of my mind
 Trying to find a way to get through to you
 Oh you don't know how hard I try
 And I try and I try
 What do I gotta do?

Water from the Moon:  Sheba's Diary
By Lady Rae

     I made a huge mistake today.
     I did the one thing I swore yahrens ago to never do again.  
     I spoke aloud to a man about my feelings for him.  
     But what else could I do?  He was leaving on a mission that it was
almost assured he would not come back from.  Just what was I suppose to
do?  Let him leave and when he didn't return, feel remorse that I
didn't tell him what I only discovered for myself days ago?  Feelings,
emotions I myself am still grappling with?  That I'm not sure of what
exactly I feel for him, but I know it is *something* more than
friendship?  
     Do I love him?  Am I in love with... Apollo?!?
     <sigh>  I don't know!.  I'm not sure *what* I feel.  I only know I
feel something for him, something more than 'friendship.'  Exactly what
I feel, I really don't know.  I am so confused right at this micron.  I
know how I feel when Apollo is around.  I know how I feel when he walks
into the room, when he speaks to me, when he shares with me his doubts,
his problems, his worries.  When he asks me my opinion on something,
then takes my opinion and follows it.  I know how happy I am when I'm
in his company.  When he smiles at me.  How my heart beats just a bit
faster when he and I have our private dinners together.  When we share
something between the two of us.  Is that love??
     Listen to me!   I sound like a hormonally overcharged teenager
with her first crush!!  What is *wrong* with me?!?  
     No.  He is just my friend.  That's all there is to it.  He's a
person I care a great deal about because he's my friend.  Just like
Bojay is.  Just like Starbuck.  Just like Boomer.  Just like Cassie...
only he's not Cassie, Starbuck or Boomer.  He's not Bojay, who I've
known and been close friends with since he was transferred to the
Pegasus.  I don't feel for Bojay what I feel for Apollo.  I know where
my emotions are with Bojay.  I know I don't get angry when Bojay talks
to another woman.  I don't feel hurt when Bojay speaks of a past
girlfriend or even of his ex-fiance.  All I feel is anger because I
really didn't like Correnia.  
     What am I doing?  What is wrong with me?  This is foolish. 
Stupid.  Totally unlike me.  I have had nothing but trouble with men I
have been in relationships with.  Either they are too possessive or
they want to change me into a submissive female who bows to their every
command.  Or, more importantly, they desire to be with me because of
who my father is.  They want the  infamous Commander Cain's daughter to
show off to all their friends.  
     No, I'm Sheba, a woman in my own right.  I have dreams, desires,
and hopes.  Yes, I once had the dream millions of young girls have had
in their life - to find a man who would love, cherish and protect me. 
Well, I can protect myself for that matter, but I've wished for a man
who could accept me for who and what I am, not only because I'm my
father's daughter.  I want to be loved and desired for being the person
I am, not to be viewed as an opportunity for some man to further
themselves or their career.  
     I learned my lessons early in life about men... well, not just
men, but people in general.  It seems as though people either wanted
something from me I could not give just because of who my father was,
or they expected more of me because of my father and his reputation.  I
felt I had to work harder than anyone else in my class at the Academy
because I always had to prove something to others - instructors,
classmates, even my own father.  
     I know that's hard to imagine.  Me having to prove myself to my
father, prove I could be a warrior and a damn good one at that!  That I
had what it took to be a colonial warrior.  I always thought we were so
forward as a society.  That women could be and do anything a man could,
but in the end I found it was all a facade.  Men had a certain place
for women to serve in the colonial service and it was definitely not in
the cockpit of a viper.  Oh, I could fly a shuttle, or serve on a
battlestar in some technical or administrative capacity, but the
cockpit of a viper was off limits to a woman.  I never knew a single
woman warrior.  Not a single woman commander of a battlestar.  Oh,
women commanded other military vessels, but none had ever commanded a
battlestar in the recorded history of the colonies.  
     It was fine with my father that I went to the Academy.  You know,
the 'like father, like daughter' thing.  It was fine when I made the
grades so I was admitted to the honors classes.  All was well and good,
until the day I told my father I wanted to be a viper pilot.  Now I
expected him to resist my choice but I figured he would come around and
see things my way and would support me in my endeavors.  
     How wrong could one person be?
     Not only did he NOT support me, he did everything he could to stop
me from being one of the few women to enter the pilot program at the
Academy.  I had to fight for every single step forward I made.  I had
to fight to get admitted to the pilot program.  I had to fight, kick,
claw and scream to get the required signatures of support from no less
than five superior officers and/or instructors so I would even be
considered for the program.  I prepared for sectons for my initial
interview, going over every possible question the panel of nine men and
women could've asked so I had the perfect answer for each one.  The
answers would ace my admission to the program.  There was no reason for
me not to be admitted.  I was at the top of my class.  I was physically
fit and passed with high scores on all my mental, physical and
emotional tests.  The only strike against me was the most damning of
all and the only one I could not change no matter how hard I tried - I
was a woman.
     But you know what?  The one person who I thought would try to talk
me out of it turned out to be my staunchest supporter - my mother.  Was
I surprised at her support?  Yes, I was.  My mother always wanted me to
be anything else but a member of the Colonial Service.  She felt the
service had caused her enough loss and heartache with her long
separations from my father.  Mother always felt she came second to my
father's first love - war!  He was truly happy when he was out there
beating the pogees out of the Cylons.  And he reveled in the glory it
brought him.  When Mother found out I had applied to the Academy, she
was very upset at first, but being Mother, she listened to my reasons
for deciding that the Colonial Service was my calling.  Slowly she came
to realize that to be a warrior and a pilot was what I truly wanted and
she supported me whole-heartedly.
     As much as she wanted me to find a man I loved and who loved me,
give her grandchildren to love and spoil, and to be able to spend time
with me, I feel to salve her loneliness while my father was off
fighting his wars, she understood my desires more than my father.  Even
though, in the end, the pride my father showed for my accomplishments
as a pilot was a somewhat of a soothing balm to me, I still can
remember the deep hurt I felt from his narrow-mindedness regarding my
choices and my dreams.  His vision for my life.  He wanted me to settle
down, have children, live a life away from the fighting and the
possibility of dying.  Even through I pointed out I could die during an
attack on whatever colony I made my home, he still felt I had a better
chance at a life married and taken care of than out in space in the
cockpit of a viper, fighting.
     In as much as I love my father and admire him for his
accomplishments, as much as I try to live up to his ideals, I am not as
blinded to his faults as others would wish to believe.  I know them and
know them well.  I guess when it comes right down to it, my father and
Apollo are more alike than I ever could have imagined.  But where my
father was blinded by his own expectations for his only child, his
daughter, Apollo is blinded by his own fears; well founded though they
may be, they are still his fears and insecurities.  
     Is that a wall I want to surmount?
     Are the possible rewards worth the disagreements, the heartache,
the emotional duress, along with the inevitable down-and-out wars with
him I am going to have to endure?
     I honestly don't know what I want, what I expect.  All I know is I
feel something for this man, more than friendship, more than
companionship.  But what do I want from him?
     I know when Apollo speaks of Serina, I feel very envious.  To have
a man love me as much as Apollo seems to have loved Serina is the dream
of every woman.  Apollo speaks of her with such love and admiration. 
There was something about the woman that made Apollo fall in love with
her.  Something about her that drew him to her.  I know from what I
have heard from Cassie and Athena how Serina was a very strong willed
person, but the woman I saw on the vid was a woman exuding femininity
out of every pore.  She reminded me of the type of woman I would read
about as a teenager in a trashy romantic novel set in Pre-medieval Leo.
     I personally did not know Serina, but I know Starbuck was not one
of her fans, which, in a way, since I know Starbuck as I do, surprises
me.  In fact, I've gotten the impression from conversations I have had
with Starbuck he only tolerated Serina for Apollo's sake.  Starbuck has
never fully elaborated as to his reasons, but knowing the Hotshot as I
do, I know those reasons are more than enough for me to wonder about
the person Serina was.  I also know what Cassie's thoughts are on the
subject of Serina, and even though she liked the woman as a friend, her
opinion on her as a wife for Apollo was totally different.  She felt in
her heart they were not a 'match' they should have been.  Athena has
also shared her 'suspicions' with me, but even after hearing all I've
heard, the fact still remains.  No matter how others felt about Serina,
Apollo loved her, married her and grieved for her to the point he has
blocked out all else.  
     Or has he in actuality???
     Is he hiding behind the so-called grief so he can save himself the
pain of being hurt again?  Of having to deal with love and the grief of
loss?  I know what I watched my mother endure from my father's love for
war, for his dedication to the service.  I remember her tears when she
would sit in the solarium of our house and look up to the stars at
night, telling my father in whispers how much she loved him, how she
missed him and how she was waiting for his return.  I remember the
cries were muffled by walls and doors as sometimes her loneliness for
him reach such a point that she had to release it somehow.  As I grew
older I wondered did my father go to some private place on one of the
many ships he served on and speak to the stars as though he was
speaking across the vastness of space to Mother?  Did he love her as
much as she loved him, or did he love her only as much as he was able? 
And if so, why in the name of all that is holy did she do something
like that?  Mother was a very beautiful woman.  I remember many
occasions where I noticed men watching her, looking back to catch
another glimpse of her.  
     Why was my mother so devoted to my father?  Why did he act the way
he did when she died?  Cassie says he acted that way out of grief.  Wen
she was gone, Father finally came to realize just how much he loved my
mother.  She was always there waiting for him and he knew it she was. 
Cassie told me she would sit there and hold my father as he wept for my
mother.  I guess the part that bothers me the most was he was not there
when she was ill.  He was not there when she laid dying.  She called
for him as pain and fever racked her almost skeletal body.  I called
Central Command many times for them to get a hold of my father,
wherever he was, because my mother was dying.  Father finally came...
only it was too late.  She was gone when he arrived.  
     Is that what I want in life?  Where I come second to my husband's
career?  Where my career takes a back seat or, heaven forbid, I would
have to resign my commission which is something I would *never* do?  Is
the love of a man worth it?  Is even a man like Apollo worth it to me?
     An even more important question is:  what does Apollo even feel
for me?  I know there is *something* there, but exactly what I am not
sure.  In the Raider, as I turned his face towards mine, I saw the
looks that crossed his features, the confusion, the realization he felt
something for me, but what?  And after I dared to kissed him, taking a
chance that seemed so right at the time, there seemed to be an
expression of dawning, realization in his expressive eyes, along with
confusion.  Did my words strike a cord with him?  Is he thinking along
the same lines I am about the feelings of loneliness and about two
people who snap at each other for no reason?  Has he reached the same
conclusion I have that there is something more between us and it might
be worth exploring?
     He has no idea how long I have been fighting with myself about my
feelings, which has been quite a while.  It was since Count Iblis came
aboard the Galactica and caused so much dissention throughout the
fleet.  He caused so many problems between Apollo and myself, but he
also made both of us realize something - we felt something for each
other.  More than friendship, more than being comrades.  More than even
being offspring of commanders, but just what it is we feel for each
other is something I am not sure I want to contemplate.  That would
mean I have to admit I feel something for someone.  That a feel
something for a man who I barely even know, but to whom I feel very
connected to for some reason
     Is it gratitude for all he has done for me, even going out of his
way?  No I don't believe that, but he has done quite a bit for me.  He
has given me his friendship, including me in his small tight little
circle of friends after my father's disappearance.  I wondered about
the mixed signals I received from him, as though he was interested in
me, but then he would quickly turn away and act as though he was a
cold, hard Captain who seemed to teeter on the brink of being suicidal. 
Then I found out later from Starbuck and Boomer he had lost his wife
only days after their sealing.  Her loss almost destroyed him, giving
him this "death wish" he seemed to wear like a shroud.  She had became
a warrior, like me and had been killed on the planet Kobol by a Cylon. 
One that no one had seen or heard, suddenly was there and shot Serina,
critically injured, dying on the sands of Kobol, a planet with such
promise for the fleet.  
     I was willing to be his friend, even through we in the end, agreed
to disagree about just about everything.  I later came to see there was
more to the Captain than met the eye.  He had grown up under other's
scrutiny like I had, only more so because of his father's political
involvement.  He was the oldest son of an old and revered family on
Caprica, one who traced their linage to the Lords of Kobol.  On
Caprica, that was important.  Family and its history was important. 
You had no choice but to live by certain standards.  Starbuck told me
many times there was more to Apollo than met the eye.  The Captain was
not as straight and narrow as people thought.  
     And I found that out.  Apollo showed me that quirky sense of humor
of his.  He had the ability to have fun and join in a party as long as
duty did not call.  I found he was caring and compassionate, dedicated
to the survival of our people and devoted to his father.  Yes,
Commander Adama is very different from my own father, but he possesses
the qualities I had wished on more than one occasion that my father
possessed.  He is cautious, maintaining strict control on his desires,
even though he wants to go out and blow the Cylons out of the stars,
kill Baltar with his own two hands for his deceit, but he keeps
control.  Maintains because in the end, he has no other choice.  The
Council is always on his heels, always nipping at him, trying to tear
him apart.  Yes, I know where Apollo's control comes from, his ability
to have to see such dedication to duty has to outweigh the needs and
desires he has for himself.  
     I only saw Apollo lose control of that perspective once, and I was
in the middle of it.  Count Iblis.  Why I did what I did is beyond me. 
Apollo told me Iblis was able to control others minds and I could not
be held responsible for my own actions.  In itself, the fact I was not
under my own control, scares me more than I could ever express to
anyone, except Apollo.  A part of me knows now I used Iblis to sooth my
loneliness, being here on the Galactica, away from my father and my
friends.  Iblis did make me feel important, beautiful and desirable.  I
watched almost like I was watching a vid Apollo's reaction towards my
being with Iblis.  He almost seemed as though he was... jealous.  Was
he?  Is that possible, even back then?
     I know for a fact Apollo died for me at the hand of Count Iblis. 
I remember now even through it still feels to me like some bad dream. 
A nightmare I don't want to admit happened, nor do I want to remember
it or the events leading to it.  But in reality, I do remember it. 
Fuzzy around the edges, somewhat in a dream-like state, but I do
remember it happening.  Do I speak about it?  NO!  Who would believe me
if I did?  Cassie?  Even though I have became good friends with her, I
know she would politely listen and believe the words I spoke because
she is my friend.  Friends do that.  They believe you even when the
tale you tell seems so far fetched.  
     Oh, I don't know what to do!  What to think or believe!  This is
why I stay away from relationships.  This is why I stay alone, but
before I had my father and my life back on the Pegasus.  Now, I have
some old friends here and I have made some new friends amongst the
Galactica's crew, but it's just not the same.  All I know now is Apollo
is back, alive and well.  For that I am thankful.  But now, I have to
face him and face what happened before he left on that mission.  Can I
face him?  Can I stand to be rejected and lose a friend?  I feel like
I'm trying to get water from the moon of Gemini, an impossible thing,
but that is how I feel, trying to sort out my feelings.  
     I guess I have to face the music.  I simply wish I knew what I
honestly wanted... 

-- The End --