Sheba-punzel
by Erin Gieg <giegabyte@connect.ab.ca>
January 28, 2001

     Once upon a battlestar, there lived a siress who got into a
landram accident. (Not an auspicious beginning to promised fairy tale,
huh?).
     Anyway, so the siress hit said landram in the tail end, causing
quite a large dent to appear.  Within a centon, the other driver was
out of her landram, screeching and hollering.
     "Oh dear," the siress said, "I didn't mean to do that.  I'm so
sorry, witchy lady, but I was distracted."
     The witchy lady screwed up her nose.
     "I don't care," she yelled loudly (as if one can yell softly). 
"Pay up!"
     "But that's what insurance is for, isn't it?"
     "Insurance inshmurance.  I want payment now," the witchy lady
said.
     "Oh, uh...well, I don't have any money on me," the siress said,
with a look of panic.
     "Hm, well, that is a problem, then, isn't it?"  
     The witchy lady nodded, then said, "I'll just take your little
girl then.  Yup, that'll do just fine."
     The siress jumped.
     "I don't have a little girl," she said.
     The witchy lady let out a diabolical laugh.  "You will, you
will...BWAHAHAHAHA!"
     With that, she jumped back into her landram and sped off into the
sunset.  (For the sake of the story, landrams can speed, k?)
                                       *
     Quite a long time later, the siress had forgotten all about that
little incident, and had since begun the process to adopt a cute little
baby girl.
     After the papers had finally gone through, and the siress had made
her way to the orphan ship, she would get to take her new child home. 
Standing in the admin office, she repeated over and over the name that
she'd decided upon.  Sheba: the perfect name for the perfect baby.  
     Just as the adoption tech carried the infant out and was ready to
place the child in the siress's arms, the
almost-but-not-quite-forgotten witchy lady appeared out of nowhere and
snatched the little one up.
     "Thought you could get away with it, huh?" she screeched, causing
baby Sheba to holler.
     The siress looked on in horror.  "You...you," she sputtered.
     "Yes, me," the witchy lady smiled evilly.  "I shall call her
Sheba-punzel."
     The adoption tech gasped.
     "What kind of name is that for a child?  Who do you think you are? 
I'm calling security."  And the woman stalked back to her office,
heading for her comm unit.
     "My name is unpronounceable," the witchy lady said, "but you can
call me 'U'!"
     Then, she disappeared, just like that, with baby Sheba-punzel yet
in her arms.  The siress burst into tears.
                                                *
     Therefore, the witchy lady, from hereon and hereforth called 'U',
took Sheba-punzel away to her planet, where she had a huge tower built
just in the center of the only continent.  Now, U was very nice to
Sheba-punzel for years, and then when the poor girl was about 18
yahrens old, she turned nasty.  She escorted Sheba-punzel to the tower
and confined her in the top level, where the only entrance and exit was
one small window.  (You may ask, how did Sheba-punzel get up there in
the first place, then?  My answer: beats me...)
     Every time U would wish to come up and visit (oh yeah, they
discussed curtains and the latest viper technology), she would stand
under the window and yell:
     "Sheba-punzel, Sheba-punzel, let down your hair."
     Now, it's beyond me why Sheba-punzel just didn't get tired of all
the yelling and throw something heavy out the window onto U's head,
(oh, wait, I guess that would be too violent...sorry. ;-).  Whenever U
would say that annoying little rhyme, Sheba-punzel would pull out her
buns and let the braids roll down the side of the tower, creating a
nice little rope (not to mention quite a few headaches).  Then, up U
climbed and then they'd talk about whatever it is that witches and
their captives talk about in fairy tales.
     One cycle, a Colonial warrior crash-landed on the planet (No, it
wasn't Starbuck.).  He wandered about, generally waited for his buddies
to come and rescue him and whining about how long they were taking. 
Anyway, finally he came across the tower, and saw Sheba-punzel peeking
out the window wistfully.  Right then and there, he decided that was
it, he was just going to have to meet this girl.  So he watched and
watched and watched, and finally, U came along to visit.
     "Sheba-punzel, Sheba-punzel, let down your hair!
     "I don't wanna talk today," Sheba-punzel glared out the window at
the witchy lady.
     "Tough," was the reply.
     Sheba-punzel sighed, but let down her braids just the same.  Well,
the warrior saw this and thought that was pretty neat, so he hid behind
a tree for what seemed like forever.
     At long last, U departed.   He waited just a bit longer, then
stood beneath the window and said, "Sheba-punzel, Sheba-punzel, let
down your hair."
     Suddenly, an apple came flying out the window and went 'boink'
right off our would-be rescuer's head.
     "Eureka," he said, "I have discovered gravity!"
     With that, Sheba-punzel poked her head out the window.
     "Hey, you're not U!"
     "Who else would I be?"
     "Oh, never mind.  Gravity has been around for ages now, you know."
     "Right...it just seemed the thing to say," the warrior shrugged. 
"My name's Apollo; you must be Sheba."
     "Sheba-punzel," she said.
     "Yes, well, I think it's even nicer in short form," Apollo said. 
"May I come up and visit?"
     "Oh, sure," Sheba said, smitten.
     Apollo and Sheba visited many times over the next few cycles,
until that evening when U saw the warrior climbing back down from the
tower.  She waited until he had disappeared into the forest, then
called up to Sheba to let down her hair.  As soon as she was standing
in the tower, she flew into a rage, and producing scissors, cut Sheba's
hair into a stylish shoulder-length hairdo.  Sheba was devastated, of
course, as this would mean no more visits with Apollo, of whom she had
grown quite fond.  (Ah, who are we kidding...sealing ceremony, coming
right up!)  At any rate, U disappeared after that, and Sheba was left
to her own devices, sobbing over the loss of her visiting hours.  Even
though her hair was much shorter, after a few centons, she decided that
she liked this new 'do.  A few more centons after that, she took to
flipping her hair.
     When Apollo appeared the next cycle, it was with glad tidings. 
     "My friends have come to rescue us!"
     "Alas," Sheba cried, "I have no more braids."
     Apollo looked stunned; he hadn't thought of that plot development.
     Just then, a warrior by the name of Boomer strode through the
trees and into the clearing where the tower stood.  
     "Hello there," he greeted Sheba.
     "Hi," she said.
     Apollo turned to Boomer, a forlorn look on his face.  "She has no
more braids that we may climb up and aid her release...the witchy lady
that I was telling you about has cut them off!"
     Boomer looked at Apollo in exasperation.  "Wasn't that what the
ascender was for?  To get her out of the tower?"
     "Oh, right," Apollo said.
     Sheba giggled.
     With the ascender in place, the rescue was quick, and as soon as
the trio was back on the Battlestar, they left that planet, and vowed
never to return.
                                THE END

Erin