Sire Science by Robert Hanczyk February 11, 1999 "Greetings boys and girls. Welcome to my wonderful show where you will learn everything you did not want to know or really care about in this universe. I am your host, Sire Science." The stage was set. A half-circle was a step up off the ship's deck. Underneath, hundreds of wires were alive to provide energy for lights, hidden microphones, stage props, and special effects. The stage was divided into sections for the different portions on the show. Five cameras were situated from one side of the stage to the other to capture the various angles needed. Camera Two switched on forcing the speaker to abruptly turn to his left as Number Three ceased transmitting. "What was that? Did I hear a number of you children booing? Now that's not the way to start the show. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. For all of you who are good and can show me you learned some science from this show, you will be treated to very special mushies. I have some wonderful flavors: Choc Choc, Van Near Le, Sher E, Bawana Nana, and more. Does that sound like a good deal?" The speaker waited, pretending like he could hear the various reactions from the rambunctious children on the other side of the monitor. In the meantime, Camera Three turned back on requiring him to spin back to the direction where he originally started the show. Two microns later, Camera Five took over while Number Three went smokin'. The speaker started to feel the intense light beating down on him as he turned a little more to the right to face Number Five. "Ah, I hear the cheers. That's better. Let's see what we are going to learn about today." The host paused for a few microns. "Hm. I left the book around here somewhere. Do you see it? I don't. Why don't you help me look." He gingerly walked over to the stage bookcase filled with small boxes designed to resemble science books. Not a one would ever be pulled out. If a science book was needed, stage hands were to replace a fake with the real thing. "Is it over here?" He meticulously searched high, low and even behind the bookcase, but found nothing. "Not here." The host placed his right index finger to his cheek and tilted his head on it. "Where did I put it?" The next location to search was a mock up of a science lab. Wires, tubes, beakers, stoppers, scales and weights, bowls and pestles were carefully situated on a tabletop to resemble an actual laboratory. The speaker began to bob his head up and down like a long neck miff, around and around, carefully trying not to knock anything over. He cautiously peeked in crevices, in between long clear tubes, around support bars and anywhere else he was able to place his head. Soon after, his hand became an imitation sensor. He pretended it could locate the book via pulses of beep sounds he made. Much to his own demise, the book was simply not there. The search was not over yet. The speaker began to walk around to one side of the table when he tripped over a floor light's power cord. He fell right into equipment collection on the table. Beakers toppled to the floor and shattered. Scales went overboard dragging wires and whatever the wires were attached to with them. A weight bounced off his toe and into his shin before hitting the floor. As he painfully met the tabletop face to face, a bowl of red powder flipped off a stand right onto his head. He carefully looked up from the table, trying desperately to maintain a straight face. "I think we better clean this mess up." The host forced a smile on his face. "Don't go anywhere kids. We'll be right back." The Camera light went out signaling they were off the air. A prerecorded announcement from Omega aired recruiting people to be members of the Colonial Service. "Make-up!!! Cleaners!!! Someone get this mess cleaned up!!!" Chalance tried to furiously wipe the powder away from his face, but only made the situation far worse. He angrily swept his arm across the table to throw everything within reach on the floor. "You camera people, what in frackin farnees are you doing to me? If you keep switching cameras on me, your astrums will be sitting on stage lights. Speaking of which, it feels like Hade's Hole in here. Turn down the lights before I MELT!!!!!!!" The humble camera man for Number Three hesitantly stepped forward with his head bowed. He softly said, "Sir, the cameras, ah, aren't working properly." "WHY NOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" "Well, sir, we are not exactly on the Galactica's High Priority list for repairs. We had to cobble some odd assortments of gadgets to even make the cameras work." "I..." Chalance breathed very heavily, seething in anger. "Don't..... want..... to.... hear.... ANY..... EXCUSES!!!!!!!! If you're going to be switching camera angles, Keep The Cameras TOGETHER! Why must I do all the thinking? Where is Makeup to clean the garbage off of me?" Tootsie hurried in from behind one of the set's portable walls. "I'm sorry sir. I was fixing my rolls for later." "Rolls?!? What are you talking about?!?" The gal operating Camera Four removed her headset, pulled out a small mirror, fixed her hair, and touched up her make up. She was dressed in a bright blue, very short mini-skirt. She wore a sleeveless white t-shirt under a baggy yellow overshirt with her right shoulder exposed, a half dozen bracelets on each arm. Her face was highlighted in light shaded makeup with slightly darker blush and lipstick. It was complimented by white large loop earrings which were partially obscured by her puffed out hair to make her head look twice its size. She cracked bubble gum loud enough to be heard on the other side of the battlestar. The camera girl crossed her arms as if that was the most ridiculous question anyone who had been around could ask. "Well DUH!! Tootsie's Rolls are like only the totally best thing like this side of the fleet. Really. Like haven't you heard? Gag me." She clicked her tongue and walked off to powder her nose. Tootsie hurried to finish cleaning the stubborn red powder off of Chalance. "Someone please get another shirt from wardrobe. This stuff isn't coming off. We'll have to mask it with more facial cover." She looked down at her make-up kit. "Oh darn. Some powder mixed in with your skin shade. I'll have to make your face a slight tad darker. They'll never notice. Could someone check on my rolls and mix the cream?" "Look little girl," Chalance slowly said through very heavy breaths. "If you don't stop talking and finish removing this red felgercarb, I'm going to BURY you in it." The lady's voice from inside the control booth was heard over the speakers. "We're on in ten microns." "Play another filler!!!!" Chalance yelled at the top of his lungs. "We only have one," she said meekly. "Play it AGAIN!!" "Sir, you must quit talking if I am to finish this." Tootsie took a facial puff and patted it all over his face, especially on his nose with some extra punch. "I think that'll do it for now. Try not to sweat." She quickly turned and scurried back to her fabulous rolls. The stage crew, all two of them, had pushed the lab equipment and table out of camera range. They replaced it with a hard stool and a gray book. Chalance stomped over to it, picked up the book and sat down. "Which camera?" he growled. "Number Four, sir." "Where is the flupe?" Chalance drummed his fingers on the book. If he survived to the end of this first show, he would fire all of them. This was not an IFB show crew. It was a collection of misfits. "Really, I'm like here. Bite the pep already." Vali slowly strutted herself over to her place with an attitude. "Everybody be ready. We're on in five." The lady in the control booth increased the lighting, switched on the microphones and flipped the switch for Camera Number Four. When she noticed Number One's light turn on, she flipped on Number Two's switch. Camera Number Four began transmitting. She held her breath hoping the switches would stop crossing circuits. "I'm so glad we're back," Chalance said with a forced smile in a calm voice. "Look what I found. I can't believe it," he spoke with false excitement. "Do you know what it is?" He held the book up to block his face from the camera. Chalance blew out some hot air before lowering the book. "That's right. I found my science book. Can you say science? Let's all try. Science." He paused. "Good boys and girls. That will be one of our words for today. And what is this book about?" Chalance flipped through the pages. "Oh my. It's about gravity. Can you say gravity?" He paused again. "Whoops. I think I heard someone say grivty. Never heard that one before. Try it again. Say gravity." Chalance set the book down in his lap and clapped his hands together as if he were a very happy person, which he was not. "Wonderful! I knew you could do it. Don't you feel GUUD?" While Chalance gave an overview of what was planned for the show, including a look at the different areas where the demonstrations were set up, Tootsie brought out two little boys. They were well treated to Tootsie's Rolls before she applied their makeup. Amazing what a little persuasion did with children. The loose guse crew member gladly relieved Tootsie of the boys. She turned and hurried back to her baking. In a very high and light voice, Loupay clasped his hands together and said, "She is brilliant. The makeup is so... so perfect. Auch. Those clothes though... Wardrobe does know what boring means. I better teach them style. The least they could have done was given you lighter colors to help brighten the set. Oh my, that dreaded brown is fine for those hot boys flying vipers, but not for this show. See how I dress?" The two boys looked at each other and shrugged. They thought this guy was loony. "Lookie." The loose guse turned around on his tip toes. "I call this very color coordinated. It's a natural balance of colors, not too dark, not too light. It helps to enlighten my," and he stressed, "Better Features. No offense, but we have to spice up your image. Maybe we can add a little color to your shoulders. Hmm. What would look good there? Don't we have pink ribbons around here somewhere? Since you are boys, maybe we can make an award ribbon or something like that." This guy gave the one little boy the creeps. He made no sense. Boys did not wear ribbons. It was a girl's thing. What man danced around in circles? This guy was strange. The one little boy did not recall his father ever acting this way. There was only one thing to do. "I go flushey," the little boy cried out. Loupay stopped and gawked at the boy. "Flushey? What is Flushey dear boy?" "I going have accident," he whimpered. "Oh my. You can't have an accident. Not now. No." There was panic in the loose guse's voice as he realized what the boy meant. "Hurry. There's a turbo flush over there. Hurry." Loupay pushed the boy along. "Don't have any accidents. Oh please don't. They'll never let me live it down. It'll ruin my image. Can't have that. Shoo. Hurry and get to the turbo flush." The boy walked as fast as his little legs would take him. Some of the adults moved out of his way and watched him work his way to the turbo flush to be sure he was okay. The boy never stopped at the door for the turbo flush. He kept right on moving to the exit door. Loupay looked at the other boy. "I thought he had to go to the turbo flush? Didn't he say he had to go?" The other boy nodded with a blank face. "Why didn't he? Oh no. We have to go get him. We need both of you on stage. They're going to get me. I have to go get him. You stay here. Promise?" The boy nodded again. "Good." Loupay patted the boy on the head. "You wait here. I'll be right back." In a louder voice, he called, "Oh boy. Come back here." He jogged in a dancing sort of way to the exit door in hopes to catching the escapee. "You Whoo. Little Boy. The turbo flush is over here. Where are you?" He sounded as if he were singing. "Oh please come back. You can't leave us. Little boy?" Back on stage, Chalance stared right into the lens of Camera One. "Isn't this going to be an exciting show? I'll tell you this. The fun is only beginning. We have two little helpers whom you may know? Mithra and PanPan. Come up and join me." Chalance kept his face to the camera and waited. When he did not see anyone coming in range of his vision, he looked around. Chalance saw the one boy. "Come on up. I don't bite." That was a lie. Chalance would rip someone's head off given the chance. With the way things were going on the show, that chance may come sooner than expected. The boy did not move a muscle. A prop lady walked to him and knelt down beside him. In a very soft, very calm, very soothing voice, she asked, "Are you afraid to go up there?" PanPan shook his head. "No? Are you feeling okay?" Inanna placed her hand over his forehead. "You're not hot." "Goofy man told me stay here. Not go. He get Mirtha." Inanna picked up the boy's hand and placed her other hand over top. "Aw. You are a very good boy doing what you're told. I say you can go up now. When 'Goofy man'..." She had to stifle a laugh and keep the boy calm. "... comes back, I'll tell him I allowed you to go. Okay?" Chalance's patience hit its limit. "Excuse me, kiddies." He moved out of camera range and motioned for the camera operator to stay focused on the set. With a not so friendly demeanor, he stormed over to the little boy and prop lady. "What is the problem here?!? I have a show to do! I can't have ANY MORE DELAYS!" Chalance was seething. The lady stood between PanPan and Chalance and tried to calmly say, "You're scaring the kid. I'm taking care of him. He'll be up shortly." "I don't have anytime to waste. He will come up NOW!!!" Inanna stood her ground. No harm would come to this boy while she was there. "You take yourself up to that stage, cool down and continue the show. He will be along presently." There was fire in Chalance's eyes. If it were possible, he'd burn a hole through Inanna, PanPan, and anyone else who stood in his way. He bent down to reach around to the right of Inanna for the boy. She pulled back her left arm in a flash and socked him a good one in the jaw. Chalance quickly stood back up. "No one, and I mean NO ONE dares to hit me. You will suffer for this one. I'll make you beg me to kill you." Inanna was not frightened in the least. She dealt with this kind of man before. Her whole life had been filled with them. Inanna swore the demons taunted her to make her miserable. Did not work then. It was not going to work now. "Go ahead," she said in a decisive tone. "You lay a hand on this boy or try to put one on me, you will lose it. I'll add it to my collection." Inanna allowed an evil grin to cross her face. "Apologize to this boy and get back to the show. He will be there in a centon." Chalance's face was blood red. "You'll... you'll... you're going to regret this. I know people in high places. They'll throw you in the lowest of low jobs. No one will walk the same hall with you. No one will speak to you. Why... why... they'll flush you out like garbage." "I'd like to see them try." Inanna crossed her arms and made it clear the conversation was over. "Get out of here." Chalance jutted out his chin. He always had the last word. "Sorry, boy." This was only a minor setback to deal with later. Chalance did not have the time for it. The lady would pay. He was sure of it. With a snort, Chalance turned and walked back up to the stage. All eyes were upon him. He forced himself to be pleasant. This show was destined to be a success with or without this pack of misfits. Chalance yelled, "What are you all staring at?!?!? We have WORK to DO!! Get to it!" An air of relaxation settled over the studio. Some snickered. Others laughed. They did resume their stations as ordered, but now thought Chalance was not much more than hot air. "I'm sorry to say we have a slight delay." Chalance's voice was back to the smooth, calm tone to speak to children even though his face was blood red. "How about that? I just created a rhyme. Isn't that wonderful?" "Now look over here." Chalance made a Come-Along motion with his hand as he walked over to the first demonstration area on stage right. Camera Five came to life. "As soon as my two little helpers join me, we'll start learning all about gravity. HEY! I did another rhyme. Aren't I Great?!?" Meanwhile, out in the corridors, Mirtha was nowhere to be found. Loupay pulled out his kerchief from under his sleeve and patted it around his face. He checked his kerchief to make sure none of his make-up was running. Loupay did not need to look like a masquerade party reject. People would laugh at him, make fun of him. That was not going to happen. This fleet needed Loupay. He knew it. His work was clearly outlined. Uniforms needed improvements. Not to mention, there was no one better to alter them than Loupay. And why not use different colors for different workers? Everyone in brown was depressing. The blue uniforms of command weren't all that bad. It was a lovely shade of blue. However, too few people wore those. The Triad uniforms were, well, flashy enough for Loupay. There probably was not much more he wanted to do with them. The player's skin had to be able to sweat and breathe. Whomever designed them had the right thing in mind. Absolutely the right thing. That thought alone made Loupay feel a little better. He shook his head. The first thing Loupay would do was improve the standard uniform. But first, he had to show what he could do. This was his chance to prove himself. "Little boy?!? You won't get any good mushies. No more of Tootsie's Rolls. You whoooooo!! Little Boy!!!!" Loupay patted around his eyes with the kerchief. "Oh phooey. What am I going to do?" He looked around the vacant hall with not a single idea. In despair, Loupay slowly walked back towards the doorway for the set hiding his face as much as possible. The shame was unbearable. His dreams went up in vapor. Fashion and Beauty Demons raced through Loupay's mind. They taunted him, poked him, and bounced him around like a ball. Their evil laughs echoed throughout his mind. The agony, the grief, the despair, the pain stung every nerve in his body. Not a single one was able to hide from the torment. Loupay might as well have looked for an airlock to end it all. "Oh, I'm sorry, sir." Loupay did not even notice the person who ran into him. His despondent future shrouded the physical reality around him. Nothing mattered anymore. "Are you okay?" "Huh?" Loupay looked down and saw the interference. "Oh, you wouldn't understand little boy. Shoo. Go play." Loupay continued to walk in misery down the corridor. "Come on, Muffy." Little boy?!?!? That was it! A light popped on over Loupay's head shining brighter than a megastar. The great fashion designer, Sire Goof-Tay-Lot, must have been watching over Loupay. It was a miracle! He turned to see the little boy walking away with his mechanical daggit. The clothes were blue with some green over the shoulders. Whomever made it must have had a little too much Ambrosia. The boy's parents should have never put that mess in the boy's locker. However, it was better than the brown of the boy who ran away. Loupay would not have time to really prepare this boy, but that was minor. If this boy worked well in the show, Loupay planned to have a real long talk with the boy's parents about children attire. "Oh little boy. I could use your help." Boxey turned around to look at the man. "What kind of help?" he asked in a puzzled sort of way. "Oh, it is something you'll have fun doing." Loupay hurried over to Boxey and knelt down in front of him. "I am working in a children's show. We need little kids like you to help us." "I am not a little kid. I am a Colonial Warrior, First Level." Muffit barked his support. Loupay hurriedly tucked his kerchief under his sleeve. Praying for his make-up not to run, he smiled as cheerfully as he could under the circumstances. Loupay had to gain this little boy's trust. "I'm sorry. I could really REALLY use a young Warrior like yourself. Oh please come with me to the studio." When he saw the little boy thinking about it, Loupay increased the incentive. "Do you like Mushies? We have lots a specially made Mushies and Tootsie's Rolls." Muffit barked before Boxey was able to respond. "I don't know you." Loupay appeared to be slapped in the face. "You don't know me? How could you not know me? Why, little boy, I am LouPAY, fashion designed for the fleet!" He intentionally left out that was his dream. When he saw the boy was unmoved, Loupay said in a downcast tone, "I guess you wouldn't know me. What do little boys know about fashion?" "Young Warriors!" Boxey replied stoutly. "I'm sorry. Young Warriors." Loupay's voice brightened again. "So, you know who I am, would you help me in the show?" Boxey crossed his arms and eyed the man suspiciously. Muffit's gaze remained fixed on the man. One of his daggit jobs was to protect Boxey. Loupay forced his smile even wider and showed off his teeth. He did not know how much longer he could hold it though. This was a basic showdown. Loupay was determined to win this little boy's, young warrior's trust. His future depended on it. "What do you think, Muffy? "See this blue ball?" Chalance sat about a metron and a half away from PanPan on the stage floor. He was a slightly mellower since his little helper joined him in front of the camera. The boy sat fairly still and faced the cameras. He did not smile as Chalance has asked, but at least was obedient. Chalance had some hope this show might work after all. Inanna kept a close eye on both of them from behind the camera range just in case Chalance turned into a rage machine again. "What do you think will happen if I let go of it?" The little boy deeply gazed at the ball. He was simply fascinated in its pretty color. Most of all, PanPan desperately wanted to play with the ball. He forgot about how goofy the man was. The ball was all that mattered to him. "Well? What will happen when I let go of the ball, PanPan?" When he heard his name, PanPan snapped out of his trance. "Ball fall and me play." "You have one thing right," Chalance laughed to himself. Memories of the old sectons at the Colonies came back to him. He visited various orphan homes to help teach the children science while keeping them entertained. It was Chalance's belief for not a single mind to ever go to waste. No one knew which young child might be the next leader in the Colonies. No one knew who would have the destiny to one secton end the thousand yahren war, and stop leaving millions of children homeless. "I play with pretty ball." The boy reached out for it. "Later, we'll play with the ball. Okay? First, we have to finish learning about gravity. Now when I let go of the ball..." Which Chalance did. "...it drops to the ground because of gravity. That's why we don't float away." Chalance grabbed the ball before PanPan got his little hands on it. "So why does the ball bounce? PanPan?" "Yes?" "If I bounce the ball to you, will you bounce it back?" "Yes." "Promise?" Chalance asked sternly. "Yes." "Good." Chalance turned back to the camera. "Watch as I bounce the ball to PanPan. Are you ready?" PanPan eagerly nodded. His eyes were opened wide. His arms outstretched. It was about time the boy was able to hold the pretty blue ball. Chalance bounced it to him. Instead of bouncing it back, PanPan held on to it and gazed into the ball's depths. In his mind, PanPan saw a playground filled with blue balls of all sizes to kick, throw, and bounce around. It was a children's paradise. "Bounce it back to me. Remember, you promised." Chalance kept his voice light so he did not scare the boy. "PanPan bounce ball," he replied in a disappointed way. PanPan popped it above his head so it would bounce more than once to go back to Chalance. PanPan laughed as he watched Chalance try to catch the ball. Why should playing have to wait? "Catch ball." Chalance caught the ball after three bounces. "Good boy, PanPan." He dutifully returned his attention to the camera. "Why did the ball bounce? Was it ignoring gravity, kiddies?" Chalance looked around pretending he saw the different responses on the other side of the camera. He knew it would be a mixed reaction. "Those of you who said no get a star. Gravity is all around us. It applies to everything." The ball's usefulness was exhausted. Chalance stood up and tossed it off to the side of the stage to one of the two stage hands. PanPan was not at all happy to see the toy go bye-bye. They were supposed to bounce the ball and play with it. This was not fair at all. Chalance stepped over and reached his hand down to his little helper. "We have some fun things to do. Wanna have some fun?" "Bounce ball." PanPan looked up at the host with a very doubtful look. How could there be any fun when a stranger had the pretty blue ball. It was not possible. "No ball. We're finished with it," Chalance said as gently as possible. "Do you want to have more fun?" "Ball fun. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce." Chalance knelt down and looked at PanPan. "Do you want to bounce like the ball? Maybe we can bounce ourselves over to the ball." "Bounce to ball?" PanPan's eyes opened wide. His little heart began to pitter patter in excitement. "I get ball and bounce." "Okay, PanPan. Let's go over here where we won't bounce into anything." Chalance guided PanPan away from the ball to an open area on the stage. The whole time he kept himself between the boy and the ball. Somehow, Chalance had to focus PanPan's attention away from it. A few microns was hardly enough time, but he knew something would come up. Or go down depending on how you looked at it. He turned back to look at the stage hand who had the ball at his feet. Chalance jerked his head to the side to motion for the ball to be taken out of sight. The man looked very baffled. He had no idea what to do. Chalance placed his hands on PanPan's shoulders to slow the boy down and face Camera One. "This is good right here. So boys and girls, what will happen when my helper and I jump up?" He looked around and listened for the responses. "Uh-huh. Yup. No, not that. You got it over there. Hm. I don't think that one will happen." The green light on top of the camera began to flash at irregular intervals and various intensities. The camera man noticed little warning cues in the camera eyepiece. He pulled his head away and took a micron look up top. He furiously checked wire connections on both sides of the camera and flicked a few switches in back. The camera was still going inoperative. Frantically, the man waved for Camera Four to take over. Her legs crossed, still cracking the bubble gum but at a subdued tone, Vali was busy caring for her nails. It had taken her forever that morning to make her fingernails look their best. This was not supposed to happen. Operating the recording equipment, Vali seemed to flick a switch too hard. Her nail paid the price. She did not see the camera man silently calling for her. Only when someone tapped Vali on shoulder did she look around. "Really. I mean like can't you see like I'm busy." Inanna whispered very softly, not bothered by the girl's rudeness. "You have to watch your camera, not your nails while we're on the air. Vipp's camera is about to break." "That's like not important. My nail is like ready to chip. What's more important?" Vali clicked her tongue and started to fuss with her nails again. "The camera is right now. I'll go get nail repair from Tootsie and bring it to you during the next break. You're fingernail will be okay until then." "Like no it won't." Inanna was ready to bury her face in her hands. It was unbelievable where some kids set their priority. Was this the future of the fleet? 'Red Alert? Well, Commander, you're going to have to tell the Cylons to wait. Two of our Warriors busted a finger nail. Another stubbed his toe. One of out top ladies has minor headache from the party last night. Oh, and let's not forget the mighty Warrior who is having a bad hair day. We can't possibly let him put on a helmet with his hair messed up.' Heaven help them. It was time for Inanna to switch modes. "Like, no? Well, like this is like a major dilemma. You know. It's like, I mean you really have to fix it prompto." Vali looked up at Inanna. "Yeah. It's like really major." "For sure. Okay. Like listen." Inanna nodded in total understanding. "I'll jive..." Oops. Wrong word. "I mean I'll like get to the like makeup girl and up the hardener. Really now, follow me?" "Absolutely," Vali replied with a smile and a gum crack. "Like Totally." "Great. Use your other hand to like keep it focused on gag man up there. I'll be back like fast." Vali nodded and put her nail troubles aside. She quickly and carefully put on her headphones and fluffed her hair around them. The lady in the booth gave her information on the camera angle needed and when to do a zoom. The light on top of her camera switched on. "Okay. Okay. You kiddies have some pretty interesting answers. Let's all see what happens." Chalance held PanPan's hand and began to bounce lightly on his tiptoes. "Everyone stand up and get ready to jump with me." He looked down his helper and saw where his attention was - back to the ball. "PanPan, are you ready to bounce with me?" The munchkin still did not hear Chalance. "PanPan? Are we going to bounce like the ball?" "Bounce like ball! YEAH!" Chalance looked back at the camera. "Ready everyone? Bounce with me." Chalance let go of PanPan's hand and began to make light hops. He was surprised to notice PanPan jumped and gave it his all. "One. Jump up high." With the boy eagerly jumping, Chalance pointed to the stage hand with his right hand out of PanPan's view. He imitated the hand motion of bouncing a ball up and down and thumbed for the ball to go behind the stage. "Two. Reach for the sky." The stage hand was all smiles and began to bounce the ball up and down on the deck with one hand and thumbing backwards with the other as if he were dancing. "Three. Let's go fly." The stage hand gave the ball a massive hit to make it bounce high. After the ball bounced lower and lower, he did it again. Unfortunately, this time he hit the ball at an angle. It bounced by the cameras on stand by and right on past Chalance and the boy. "BALL BOUNCE!!!!" PanPan yelled and chased after the ball. He bumped into a few people along the way, but was not at all deterred from his joyous pursuit. As he caught up to the ball, PanPan swatted and slapped the ball laughing all the while. Away he went into some of the makeshift rooms they used for wardrobe storage, which at this point only consisted of a few of Chalance's garments. His cheers were well heard out on stage. Chalance slowly stopped bouncing. He held back his resignation of losing another helper and prayed the children watching the show were jumping up and down. Perhaps, they were even driving their parents crazy. That would at least accomplish something. "Okay. Wasn't that fun?!?" he said sarcastically. "I surely enjoyed it. As you see, we come back down just like the ball. Gravity will not let us go no matter how hard we try. We can jump into the next yahren if we want to. Nothing will change about gravity. It will always be there. That's why we were able to live on a planet. Gravity kept us, our homes, and most importantly our toys, everything we knew and owned on the ground." One part of the lesson finally accomplished. It was a blessed miracle with all the problems so far. They had to set up for the next part. For that, PanPan would have to be brought back. Originally the plan Chalance had in mind required two helpers. Since one was gone and the other was occupied with ball, the ball would have to be the replacement for the missing boy. "I must say, 'Wow.' That certainly made me thirsty. Are you thirsty too, kiddies?" In a sly tone he said, "I bet you are." Chalance stretched out the last word for a few microns, almost to the point of singing. "Let's do this. We all better go get a drink and come back here in two centons. Does that sound good? Can you do it?" He paused. "I thought so. I'll see you shortly." The light on Camera Four did not go out. Chalance kept his smile and waited. And waited. And waited. "I said, I'll see you shortly. I have to go get my drink." He looked up at the control booth. The lady shrugged and held out her hands palms up for a micron before flipping switches for the other cameras. Camera Three fizzled and started to smoke again. Camera Five at the opposite end of the stage flickered on, off and back on. The lights over the back of the stage dimmed. A backdrop not being used for this show crashed down to the stage. Finally, all of the camera lights went out. Omega's prerecorded Colonial Service announcement was heard in the background. "You incompetent, no good, worthless, low-life, frackin......" "Hold it! Hold it! We got some help!" One of the cleaning people hurried from the main door with another person behind her. "This man can help us. I found him fixing one of the doors down the hall." The man was little shorter than average and a bit on the husky side. His natural skin color was a moderate tan with a light yellow tone to it. His short black hair was straight down on all sides, his mustache thin and short. The dark eyes he had revealed no hint of character. The pants were a light beige, not much different from the color of the Colonial Warrior main uniform. His shirt was cream. Over top he wore what appeared to be a throw rug with a hole in the middle for his head to poke through. It was a pattern of alternating bright yellow and green zig-zaggy lines with tassels on the bottom. "It's about time." Chalance crossed his arms, tapped his foot, and waited for them to reach him. He watched the two weave between the cameras, over the big chords, and up to the stage area. Chemtyle gasped for air. "This man.....said.....he.....can help us." "Oh? What's your job?" Chalance eyed the man suspiciously. "Electricity, man. I can fix if it's bad," the electrician replied not at all affected by the host's scrutiny. "What's the problem, man?" Chemtyle played it smart and returned to her supplies in a dark corner far away from the stage. She pretended to organize her basket and fetch what was needed. Chalance never noticed. "The lights. The cameras. The people!" "I no fix people man, only electricity." Chalance huffed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Hm-mm." Chalance made fists and planted them on his hips. "Look. Just go and see what is wrong with the electricity in this place. Can you handle that?" "Sure man. No problem." The electrician turned and very casually strolled towards the steps for the control booth. A Cylon attack would not make him move any faster. Chalance's blood began to boil. Did not one single person see the importance of this show? The camera problems they just had were bad enough. What was going to happen during the next segment? What was needed to keep the little children from running away? How long would the stage hold together? What would actually work? At the rate the so called repairman walked, Chalance's patience hit its limits. It was time for a reminder as to who was boss. He searched the area for some weapon to use as a motivation tool. A chair? No. It was too awkward in shape. Books? They were not meant to fly though the air. How about the blue ball? How well were people able to dodge it? Chalance saw the crew learning a few new dance steps real soon. The stage lights? That was a guaranteed way to toast their astrums. There were enough ropes to keep them wrapped up. Not a bad idea he thought to himself, but only if the lights remained shining bright. Loupay dashed through the door with Boxey and Muffit at his heel. He quickly stopped, pulled out his kerchief and dabbed at the sweat over his brow. He straightened out his clothing, took a few deep breaths, cleared his throat, and proceeded as if nothing ever happened. Boxey did his best to imitate the behavior including clearing his own throat which resulted in a cough. Muffit stayed back a few steps and kept a sharp eye out in all directions. With his dignity restored, Loupay strutted to the stage with his head held high. He spoke with an air of high arrogance. "Sir, I have found you a new help-her." So much for the act. Why settle for imitation? Loupay was after all only the finest fashion man in the fleet. He snapped his fingers twice and pointed. "This is Boxey. He's not exactly dressed in the right colors as I am. However, in five centons..." Chalance bellowed, "We don't have FIVE centons!!" "Well." Loupay snorted. "If that's the way you're going to be about it. Looky, this dear boy won't run away." "I am a Colonial Warrior!" "Yes, yes." Loupay's eyes lit up as he spoke quickly. "He's a Colonial Warrior. See? Isn't this absolutely wonderful? He's so modest. What more could you want? Well, perhaps a Gweelay shirt would highlight his eyes. And..... And we could find him some Sardini boots. Those are indubitably of high delight. Oh yes, he needs..." "ENOUGH! Next Show! Go do whatever it is you do!" The lady in the booth called out over the speakers, "Stations. We're on in ten." Loupay did not hear her. He was hurt. If nothing else that man up there, that Beast should have been happy to have a dependable helper. To think all he did was yell, yell, yell. Give someone the spotlight and they let it go to their heads. "The least you could do is say thank you." Loupay stuck out his tongue at Chalance, snapped his fingers twice, and turned away. Chalance did not have a chance to react. The camera light on Four came on. He put on a false smile and returned his voice to a calm, warm tone. "Hey boys and girls, we have a new helper. This is Boxey." Boxey jumped in and corrected the host. "Colonial Warrior, First Level." "Right." Chalance bit his tongue. Not even five microns had gone by with this new kid. Not even THREE MICRONS! This little squirt was very lucky they were on the air. Chalance did not need some munchkin correcting him on his show. Absolutely not! "Colonial Warrior, First Level Boxey. And would you like to tell our audience who your pet is?" Boxey looked at Chalance a little confused. "Audience? Oh right. The cameras. I got it." Boxey looked back at the cameras with a big smile on his face while Chalance grumbled under his breath. "This is my trained daggit, Muffy. I trained him myself to sniff out all the mean Cylons and all the mushies on this ship." Chalance's face turned a brighter red, if it was not red enough already. A smart mouthed, thinks-he-knows-it-all, little brat was the last thing he needed. Why can't they have found some nice little child who listened and remained quiet? Was that such a hard thing to do? It must had been. Chalance made it a point. If he survived this first show, he would go find some cooperative, hassle-free children to work with himself. A law should have been passed to put warranty and return on kids, especially those driving one insane. "Boxey, as a Colonial Warrior, First Level, do you think you can do a really big job?" Boxey happily patted Muffit on the head and smiled even bigger at the cameras. "Muffy and I can do any job," he said with such confidence. "Any job?" Chalance asked suspiciously with evil intentions in mind. "Your wager!" It was apparent how much time Boxey spent around Starbuck. Chalance took a big, happy breath. This next event was going to be a fun one, at least for him. "Okay, Boxey. Follow me." He walked over to the back, center area of the stage. Boxey and Muffit obediently followed. It took a stutter, but Camera Two came to life. "See this big cylinder we are standing near? Look inside. What do you see?" The ominous, brown cylinder was four metrons high and close to two metrons in diameter. There was a plassiglass rectangular window a metron an a half up from the floor. It went a third of the way around the cylinder. Boxey walked over, put his hands at the bottom of the glass and stood on his tiptoes to look in. "There's nothing in there." "Good. Let's give the little kid a hand. He actually knows something." Chalance started clapping his hands and nodded to the camera crew to do the same. All except Vali did. She merely blew a big bubble with her gum, popped it and cracked it many times, staring at the ceiling stage lights. "Tell me, Boxey. What are we going to do about that?" Boxey shrugged. "Put something in there?" "No, not something. Someone. Guess who that someone is." There was the most wicked smile on Chalance's face. "Me?" "Please. Another round of applause for this bright little boy. Yes, Boxey, you will be going in there to learn about gravity." "YIPEEEEEE!!!! "First, let me explain what will happen. The machine can change its own gravity. It can go from nothing to 10 times of what we had in the Colonies. Trust me, kiddies. You don't want to feel it at 10." Chalance reached over to flip the main power switches. Nothing happened. He smiled at the camera and turned to try again. Still nothing. "Excuse me. Boxey, why don't you talk about your pet? I'll be right back after I plug this in." He patted the boy on the shoulder. "O-key. Aye Aye. And yes sir. This is Muffy, the best daggit in the fleet...." Chalance turned away from the camera. He looked for the power cables, but failed to see any. That had to mean they were under the stage. However, knowing this group, someone probably forgot them. Another flick of the switches proved futile. The electrician nodded to the lady in the booth and ever so slowly walked down the steps. Chalance noticed when he was half way down the steps. It was useless to wait. He walked at double-time to meet the man. "Did you find what's wrong?" Chalance asked impatiently. The electrician nodded. "You see, man. The wires, they are a highway for electricity. But the makers, they forgot some things, man. There are these signs. The signs, they tell the electricity where to go. If there are no signs, the electricity, all the currents don't know what to do. Now man, the way I figure, some anti-electric magnets, they thought they'd have fun. They took the signs, all of them. The electricity, it's now very confused, man. These anti-magnets, they must have dropped a few signs when they were high-watting their way out of the wires. So man, when the electricity saw the signs, the electricity, it followed the signs. How was the electricity supposed to know the signs were in the wrong place?" Chalance nodded as if he understood what the man said. "In the Junction Box, the electricity, it's only told by the master fuse to follow the signs. You follow me, man? Now when the master fuse wasn't getting no signals back, it sent out these things called feelers. The feelers, they're supposed to find what's wrong. There's this problem, man. When the feelers go out through the wires, the feelers, they were caught in the electric backup. The feelers, they couldn't find the problem. Got this, man? "Now the feelers, they not patient. They rushed back to the master fuse and gave a no-go. So the fuse, it had to send out signalers to signal the electricity where to go. Now the signalers, they're not much smarter than electricity. But the signalers, man, they neutral. So they go right by the electric jam. The electricity, it's all anxious to be used. It goes down the first path it can when the signalers come through. That's why the cameras come on with the wrong switches, man. You follow all that? That's the problem." "Can you fix it?" Chalance asked rather impatiently. "Naw, man! I'm no Junction Box. I don't want no master fuse in me, man. I'd be glowing down the halls. My ears man, they'd be sparking. No man. Go find some Junction Box on one of these ships. It'll know what to do." "Why you..." Chalance made a fist and was ready to deliver the blow to the useless electrician's head. Inanna grabbed his arm and spun him around into a stare down. "No, not you again!!!" Chalance yelled when he realized who it was. Inanna had herself an evil laugh. It was worth a thousand words of warning. "Oh man. I'm outta here. I know better places, they appreciate my services." The electrician adjusted his hat and whistled his way out. "Yes, it's me again," Inanna firmly stated. "We have to take another broadcast break. I'm going to go see what I can do to find a Junction Box. When I saw you fumbling around the anti-grav cylinder, I talked with a few people. We're waiting on the okay from Colonel Tigh. That machine is under regulated use and should be receiving power in five or so centons. But not until then." "How dare you go behind my back..." "SHUT UP!!!!" Inanna shouted. It made everyone turn in their direction including Boxey. She added with a softer voice, "And listen. Now if we work as a team, which it seams you don't like to do, we'll fix the problems. If you keep shouting at everyone, we'll only have more problems. And I'll have to belt you again." Inanna smiled wide showing some gritted teeth. Chalance smugly responded, "You would do no such thing." Inanna only snorted. "I have a better plan." Chalance simmered enough to try and be sort of nice. Maybe that was worth a total of one cell in his whole entire body. "I'll signal for a break. You find a Junction Box and we'll wait for power to the cylinder. I expect you'll expedite your search." "Now why didn't I think of that?" she asked sarcastically and walked away. In the distance, Inanna said under her breath, "Men." Chalance nodded in triumph and returned to the stage. "There was also this time me and Muffy had to fight the evil security guard for taking our mushies..." "You did?" Chalance interrupted and took his place beside Boxey. "We'll have to hear that story later. Kids, don't go away. The best part of this show will begin in a few." Chalance smiled until the camera lights went out without a problem. It must have been magic. "Hey boy, I think you're going to like this." Whether the kid did or did not, Chalance was ready for fun adult style. He walked to the cylinder door with Boxey and Muffit in tow. "When we're on again, you're going to be inside this. All you have to do is have fun. Can you do that?" Boxey shook his head up and down at a fast rate. "Of course I can. My dad trained me to have fun!" "Good for him." NOT. "Here is what I expect. Listen like a good..." He did not want to say it. "...Warrior. When I decrease the gravity, you're going to feel lighter. Let yourself float up. It's okay to give a little push if you like. When you feel yourself being pulled down, don't fight it. Got it?" Boxey eagerly nodded. "Good. Now get in there." Chalance held the door open for Boxey. "Come on, Muffy." "Oh no. Your pet has to stay out here. Don't worry. You'll be safe inside." Chalance let out a whisper of a sinister half-laugh. "I dunno." "Are you a Warrior?" "Yes." "Are you afraid?" "No." "Then go. And tell your pet to go behind the cameras." "Okay. Muffy, go sit." Boxey pointed out away from the stage. Muffit did a double take between where to go and the Cylinder. Obediently, he went to where Boxey pointed, but with caution. "Just go in and wait?" "That's all." Boxey went in with a bounce. Chalance hurried and closed the door before the kid changed his mind. He checked to make sure the lock was secure. Satisfied, he rolled his eyes, let out a groan of anxiety, and took his place in front of the cameras. The lady in the booth announced over the speakers, "We're on in ten." Chalance counted to ten and prepared for his presentation. He felt the sweat forming on his forehead. Weren't the lights turned down yet? He prayed not to have three degree light burn when this was through. At least he wasn't melting although it certainly felt like it. "Welcome back one and all. It's time to watch Boxey float and fall. You kids like my rhymes? I'll give you more on the next show." If we last. "I'm going to change the gravity in here so Boxey floats. Please don't ask mommy and daddy to let you do this. It's not a toy." Unless you're me. "Is everyone ready?" Chalance placed his open hand near his ear to try and hear ALL the children. "I can't hear you!" He paused for them to cheer more. 'Driving anyone crazy?' "Fantastic!" Chalance tapped on the window and gave a thumb's up to Boxey. "Everyone watch real closely as I decrease the gravity on Boxey." He flicked a switch and turned the dial one mark. Boxey looked down at his feet and threw his arms out to the sides. He never felt like this before. As soon as he realized what happened, Boxey looked back out the window as he rose off the floor and waved. "See Boxey float? That's because there is less gravity pulling him down." Chalance turned the dial another mark. Boxey's rising movement slightly increased. He kicked his feet back and forth, waved his arms up and down. He even tried to twist, but couldn't quite accomplish that. "Looks like he's really having fun in there. I think we better bring him back down before he goes too high." He turned the dial back one and a half notches. Boxey descended to the floor a little faster than he floated up. "If a boy goes up, he must come down. Gravity is returning to normal. It's telling Boxey he can't get away." Boxey stood at the window pointing up. He jumped up and down in anticipation of floating again. "Let me show you it uninterrupted. Watch Boxey go up." Chalance decreased the gravity. This time, the decrease was slightly faster than the first time. Boxey did not notice. He raised his hands high above his head as if he could touch the ceiling, which he soon did. Boxey was so intrigued by floating, he tried to push himself back towards to floor. "And down." Chalance increased the gravity a little faster than he decreased it. Boxey's lowering to the floor took only about five microns. He was jubilant as jubilant could be, ready to go up again. "And up." The change was even faster. When Boxey felt himself starting to lift off the ground, he jumped up. In was his hopes to imitate a rocket. "And down." It only took three microns for Boxey to fall from the ceiling to the floor. "Let's join him. And up. Stand on your tipey toes. Reach for the heavens." Boxey's jump did make him feel like a rocket. He went up very fast. "And down. Squat down to the floor as low as you can go without falling." The fall for Boxey was a little too fast for comfort. "And up. Reach high. And down. Go low. And up. And down. And up and down. And up and down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down." "Hey! Stop! No more!" Boxey yelled from inside. The look of joy on his face turned to panic. It was not fun anymore. The sound proofing of the cylinder was too heavy for him to be heard outside. "Up down. Up down. Up down. Isn't this fun?" Each time he said it, the pace increased. Boxey looked like he was a bouncing ball. The door leading out to the corridor swooshed open. A small red machine rolled through at high speed. It was so small there was no problem maneuvering between people, chairs and cameras except for the cables. He had to do a few quick moves to hit and bounce over the lower cables or go around the larger ones. Mr. Trolley aimed for the stage and bounded up it straight to Chalance. "What is Hades...." "Get this thing out of here. Who is controlling it?" Mr. Trolley dashed straight for Chalance's feet. The host hopped out of the way as Mr. Trolley sped by. The little steel wheels could be heard screeching to a halt. Mr. Trolley made a quick one-hundred-eighty degree turn and aimed for Chalance again. He locked his front wheels while the back ones spun faster and faster. As soon as the little red machine unlocked the wheels, he shot off at Chalance like a missile. Chalance had to dive off the stage and roll. "Help me stop this thing. It's out of control!!!!" Mr. Trolley tried to avoid the camera tripod leg. His speed was much too fast to allow the quick turn he needed. The back corner of Mr. Trolley knocked into the leg. The camera man was fast enough to grab the camera and hold it steady. Mr. Trolley slowed enough to turn around and carefully return to the camera man. His front light blinked slowly. He stopped at the man's feet. The sounds of Mr. Trolley's ding's were somber. The machine felt bad for what he had done. "Oh, don't Ding about it. No-Ding broke. Go get the evil man." Mr. Trolley's light shined bright. He wheels began spinning. His Ding's were loud and strong. Chalance used the extra few microns to find something to defend himself against the wild machine. He needed a weapon again. But this time there was a real reason to use it. Some sort of shield was also in order to help bring the chaos under control. He looked past the chairs and books. They were no use before. Loose wires did no good. Some small metal containers of various shapes might work. That was a good idea for using Mr. Trolley for moving target practice. Chalance glanced around in a wider arc. There was a pipe against the wall. Perfect. He ran over to grab it. All he needed was a shield. The best he could find was a board. It was only shin high and about as wide. Not much, but it was at least something to slow down the machine so Chalance could place a few dents in it with the pipe. There was a ringing faintly heard. No one could place where it came from. Mr. Trolley knew. His new, internal communicator signaled an incoming message. Mr. Trolley lined up one last time with Chalance. His mission was clear. The man stood ready to do away with this pesky red machine now and for good. It was a showdown of Man versus Machine. Who would prevail? Loupay stood at the door to the makeshift wardrobe rooms with Tootsie to watch the spectacle. They, as well as everyone else in the studio, cheered for Mr. Trolley. It was certainly an exciting match up not to miss. In fact, anyone who was watching the show on monitors witnessed the event. All five cameras were focused on Chalance and Mr. Trolley. The lady in the booth had her fingers crossed at least one camera would not fail them to record this historical broadcasting event. The deck started smoking under the high speed, rear wheel spinning. The front light was bright as could be. Little doors opened on the back sides. Mini-turbo engines extended outward. Sparks emitted from the back of the engines and danced around on the deck before fading into obscurity. The motors revved up. Mr. Trolley was prepared. Chalance stood his ground. He knew a little machine was no match to his dreamed of brawn. His right hand gripped around the pipe even tighter. His left hand, palm down, held the board, ready to block. The microns ticking by lasted an eternity except for Vali. She was too busy fixing her makeup. Oh, and some hairs were out of place. She crossed her legs and fished through her bag to find the hair spray. It was god awful to have a hair out of place. Whoops. Better touch up the nails too. Mr. Trolley ignited his turbos and fired off towards Chalance. The man saw the path of Mr. Trolley and waited to thrust down the board. Mr. Trolley used differential thrust to start fish tailing back and forth. Chalance tried to figure out where the machine was headed. He shifted his weight back and forth from one leg to the other. Mr. Trolley began to swerve. Chalance couldn't keep up. He planted the board firmly where he thought Mr. Trolley would strike. Close but no fumerello. Mr. Trolley zinged along side of Chalance's left leg and applied full turbo thrust on his left engine. The hot thrust shot out far enough to reach Chalance's pant leg and set it on fire. Mr. Trolley killed the his turbos and slowed himself down. "OUCH!" Chalance used his left hand to bat at the flames. He seemed to forget he was still holding the board. He batted harder and harder until severe pain from the board hits shot through his body. "The fracking machine!" He dropped the board and pipe to tend the fire. Luck was on his side it didn't spread up his leg faster. With the fire out, his calf muscle still stung from the burning. Chalance became even angrier. Mr. Trolley blinked his light and merrily dinged receiving applause from almost everyone. He did a few circles in celebration. Chalance grabbed the pipe with both hands and charged. "I'M GOING TO GET YOU!!!!!!" Mr. Trolley stopped, observed, turned towards the Stage Left door and dinged happily out into the corridor with Chalance thundering in hot pursuit. Damn hot pursuit with a very hot leg. Mr. Trolley was about to have a good time. He hoped security would join the chase. He even planned dropping by the bridge like he did before with kids in tow. Ah yes, the fun was about to begin. Loupay happily clapped and cheered as Chalance ran out the door. That mean excuse for a man deserved everything he got. Next time, if he listened to Loupay, the show would be even better. He realized the show was still on with no host. A stand in was needed immediately. There was not one micron to waste. Loupay hurriedly danced over to the cameras which were still aimed at the exit, stage left. He stood in front, adjusted himself and filled with glee. "Hi hi, everyone. It seems the gravity of this show has gone off the scale." Loupay giggled to himself. "And let me tell you, we really need to improve wardrobe. Oh my, you must excuse this colorful mess I have on. I promise you next week to show some of my best creations. You see, I've been doing clothing for.... well, I can't give away my age now can I. No no no. I have to simply tell you I have absolutely wonderful ideas for color combination to lighten up this ship. It will really add some Pizzaz to the duller colored areas." Loupay froze for a micron as it hit him. It was almost too hard to believe. "Oh, I'm a star now! My own show! Oh yes!" Loupay clasped his hands over his chest. "I can't believe it. Well." He snapped his fingers twice and held his head high. "This will be a whole new look on life. Literally. Because I am going to... ... fluff you up. Yes yes. Now listen to me, dear people. We have a load of work ahead of us. Get out all those old uniforms. Flush them through your nearest airlock. Come on down. Don't wear a frown." He stuck out his tongue. "See? I can rhyme too. But mine are better than his. Ha ha. Tootsie and I are going to give your whole body a makeover. Oh yes we are. Absolutely gorgeous makeover. Ladies Ladies Ladies. You hate how guys can't appreciate all the work you do to make yourself fantastically beautiful. Well Hmpf. We'll show them, now won't we. I'm going to share with you my secrets. Maybe only some of my secrets. I can't give them all away. Oh no. Don't worry, ladies. You haven't seen anything yet." Loupay smiled from ear to ear. It was time to do things the right way. The Loupay Way. - The End -