Title: Requiem
Author: Melissa
Summary: It's been a rough day.
Disclaimer: Um... no. Don't feel like it. =)
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I lost a friend today.

My partner in crime.

A guardian angel.

A breath of fresh air.

My blood.

A constant source of support and encouragement. Someone I could always
count on to be in my corner. He always saw the silver lining through the
darkest of clouds. If he were here now, he would find some way to look at
this day and find something positive in all the tragedy.

He would even find something positive in his own death. He would probably
say that it was much better that it was him and not Starbuck. That he was
more expendable than the more experienced pilot at a time like this. I
can imagine him laughing... I only wish that I could hear it.

The last thing I heard was him screaming. I'd give anything to erase that
from my head. I'm trying to hear his voice, his laugh... anything but the
screams. I suppose that in time I'll forget. I want to forget. I want to
forget how wasteful his death was. It didn't benefit anyone. He didn't
die so that others may live. My only comfort was that he died doing
something he loved, with someone he loved. He finally got to prove
himself to the one person who's approval meant everything to him. I only
wish that he had realized how proud we all were of him. He felt lost in
the larger shadows, something that I know all too well. He didn't know
that those larger shadows got lost in his enthusiasm. I only wish that
they had taken the time to tell him.
 
The only comfort I can give myself is knowing that I told him how much I
loved him. It was the last thing I told him. We only had those few
moments as he approached the fleet. I'm glad that it was the last thing
he heard.

I only wish that I hadn't heard anymore.

I lost a friend today.

A woman who transcended her maternal role. The true master of the
household. The one that held ustogether, even when we were miles apart.
Not only the backbone of the family, but an individual in her own right.
A symbol of strength, love, intelligence... the woman that I aspire to
be.

Dutiful wife, caring mother, community leader, beautiful woman.

Whether I needed to bury my tears in her embrace or talk all night about
my conflicting desires for the future, she was always there, playing
whatever role I needed her to.

I am grateful that we had so much time together. I have seen dozens of
young girls crying for their mothers today, knowing that they will never
see them again. It made me realize how lucky I am to have been old enough
to know her as a woman and not just someone who nagged me to clean my
room.

Someone who shared her secrets with me. Someone who empowered me with her
love. She knew how hard it had been to grow up in the shadows of the men
in the family. I thought that their approval was the most important
thing. Only now do I realize how much more her approval meant to me. The
last time I saw her, I saw something in her face that I hadn't seen
before. Respect and admiration. She not only saw me as her daughter, but
as a woman who had accomplished a goal on her own terms. She was proud of
me. And I of her. Watching her family disappear was difficult, but she
handled it with grace. I'm sure it helped knowing that we were all
together on the same battlestar. I'm almost certain that she whispered
under her breath, "Okay, Adama, it's your turn to take care of them."

She was starting a new life of her own and I was looking forward to
seeing how she would reinvent herself once again. I knew she was excited
about father's impending retirement. During one of our last
conversations, we had shared some of her our more intimate plans for the
men in our lives. Two girls up late, giggling and eating more chocola
than anyone should be allowed.

I miss her.

I lost a friend today.

In a way that I would've least expected it. At a time that I would've
least expected it. A loss not from death. Well, maybe. Not his own.
Although I wonder if that would be easier for me to take. To see him and
not be able to touch him, to talk to him. This is more painful than if he
wasn't here at all.

A confidant, a companion, a lover... most of all, a friend. The emptiness
that I feel overwhelms me. The discomfort that he feels around me cuts
through me. I only wanted more time. Inevitably, it appears that he
didn't love me as much as he said he did. I could deal with that. But not
this. 

Through the chaos, I've seen him a few times today. I passed him in the
landing bays. He barely acknowledges me. We've had to coordinate various
operations with each other. The small talk is unbearable. I want to grab
him, shake him and scream,"It's me! It's just me!"
 
Would it not be this way if he hadn't kissed me a few yahrens ago? I do
love him. I do miss his touch. But I would gladly have never kissed him
if I could have my friend now.

I lost a friend today. 

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end