Remembrance
     by Cassie Kirk  

    "Father, what is this all about? You've taken me off duty for the
next two sectons." Apollo stormed into Adama's office.
     "Calm down, Son. You need time to grieve for your wife. Your son
needs you. And, you need to take time off." Adama replied calmly.
     "You didn't take any time off after Mother died." Apollo accused.
     Adama stood. "When your mother died, I had to find a way for
everyone to be safe. I wasn't able to take the time to grieve for Ila
like I should have. Now, you have the time to grieve for her. You're
luckier than most."
     "Lucky? My wife dies at the hands of the Cylons while I watch and
am unable to stop it, and you say I'm lucky?" Apollo shouted, his green
eyes flashing.
     "You are lucky. You were able to say good-bye to your wife." Adama
replied quietly.
     "Father, I'm sorry...I wasn't thinking..." Apollo stuttered.
     "I understand. Now, you need to go be with your son."
     "Yes, Father." Apollo turned and left Adama alone with his
thoughts.

*******
     Adama stared at the empty bottle of ambrosa in front of him as he
held his head in his hands. The blood behind his eyes pounded making
them feel as if they would pop out of his head. His vision blurred and
he closed his eyelids and rubbed his temples trying to stop the
pounding in his brain.
    He lurched off the bed he was lying on and rushed to the turboflush
to bring up the bottle of spirits he had finished off a few centons
before. When he was finished, Adama leaned his head against the wall
and closed his eyes. 
     A few moments later Adam felt a cool cloth on his forehead. He
opened his eyes and closed them again at the sight he saw.
     *I'm dreaming,* He thought. 
     "Adama, please look at me."
     Adama opened his eyes again. "Ila?"
     "Yes, Darling. It's me." 
     "How can you be here? You're..." Adama broke off.
     "Dead? Yes, I am. But, you needed to see me. So, here I am." Ila
gently reached out and caressed his cheek and pulled back as she saw
Adama flinch.
     "How do I know you're really Ila?" Adama asked, uncertain of what
to make of the vision before him.
     "Ask me something that only your wife would know," she replied.
     "I don't know what to ask." Adama shook his head as if to clear
it. "I just can't think straight."
     Ila pointed to the empty bottle of ambrosa. "That may have
something to do with the way you're feeling. I'm surprised. I've never
seen you drink like this. It's just not your style."
     "As a commander, I do have to set some sort of example. How would
it look if I were to go around drunk?" Adama asked.
     "Yes. But, just because you're a commander doesn't mean you stop
being human." Ila scolded.
     "How did I propose?" Adama asked, abruptly changing the subject.
     "What?" Ila asked confused.
     "You told me to ask you something only my wife would know. Only
she would know how I proposed to her."
     Ila closed her eyes. "When we were dating, you used to take me on
long walks in the mazes in the Caprican City Gardens.  One day when we
were walking, I was running a little bit ahead of you and I tripped,
and fell into a little pond. When you reached out to help me up, I
pulled you in with me. We were both sitting there in the pond, dripping
wet, when you kissed me and when the kiss ended, you proposed." 
     Adama blinked away the tears he felt coming to his eyes as he got
to his feet, suddenly sober. "Ila, I'm so sorry," he said as he pulled
her close and buried his face into her neck.
     "What is there to be sorry about?" Ila asked as she stroked his
back.
     "I failed you. I wasn't able to keep my promise to you." 
     "What promise was that?" Ila asked.
     "I told you that after the celebrations for the Armistice were
over I'd retire as commander of the Galactica. But after the
destruction, I just couldn't. I should have been there to protect you
when the Cylons attacked. I've failed you so many times. I was never
there when it mattered." Adama let his tears fall on her neck as he
held her close.
     Ila pulled back from the embrace to look at Adama. "I would have
never held you to that promise. You would never have been able to keep
it. I knew that. You were so adamant about making me that promise, that
you forced me to accept it because it was what you thought I wanted.
And you may remember all the times you *weren't* there, but I remember
the times you *were*.
     "There were very few times when I was there for you. I wasn't
there when Apollo or Zac was born."
     "But, you were there when Athena was. You delivered her remember?
When we couldn't get to the Med Center because of the terrible storm."
Ila's eyes filled with tears.
     "I remember. I remember how scared I was. She was so tiny. I was
so afraid I'd hurt her. But, when she opened her eyes and looked
directly at me, my heart just stopped. From that moment on she had me
wrapped around her little fingers and she knew it." Adama smiled.
     "See, you remember now. You were also there with me when I had the
Sarconian flu. My nurses told me you never left my bedside."
     "But, I wasn't there when...." Ila put her fingers to his lips,
silencing him.
     "Forget the times when you weren't there. But, remember the times
you were."
     "I don't know why you ever stayed with me." Adama sighed.
     "Because, I loved...love you. And, the times you were with me,
more than made up for the times you weren't."
     Adama just held Ila against him and stroked her hair, not saying a
word. He finally broke the silence by asking, "How is it possible
you're here?"
     "All souls are allowed two trips to return to visit loved ones. I
could see that you needed me now. So I came."
     "Why didn't you come earlier. I needed you. So many times I wanted
to talk to you, put my arms around you and hold you close." 
     "You weren't ready for me to come," Ila replied. "Just as Apollo
isn't ready for a visit from Serina. But, he will be someday."
     "You've met Serina?" Adama asked.
     "Yes, I have. She's a very lovely girl. Our son chose well." Ila
answered. "But, she's worried about him, and Boxey. She has a message
for Apollo."
     "You want me to take it to him?"
     "Yes. I also have a message for Starbuck from Zac."
     "What are they?" Adama asked.
     "Tell Apollo, Serina said, 'let go.'  And, Zac's message for
Starbuck is, 'don't blame yourself.'  And, tell Athena I love her.
Don't forget."
     "I won't." 
     "I need to go soon. I wasn't supposed to be here this long." Ila
sighed.
     "Please don't go. I want you to stay." Adama held her closer.
     "I'll always be with you, here" she touched his chest, "and here."
she said touching his head. "As long as you keep me in your heart and
remember all the times we spent together, I'm never really gone." 
     "Ila, what is it like after death?" Adama asked.
     "It's almost paradise," Ila replied.
     "Almost paradise?"
     "It can't be paradise, you aren't there."
      Adama laughed. That was so like Ila to say something like that. 
     Ila continued, "I'll come to you a second time. I'll be here to
lead you Home. And we will have an eternity together."
     "Ila, I love you."
     "I love you too, Adama. My dear husband."
     Adama bent and gently kissed her lips. Soon, he realized he was
holding nothing but air. Dropping to his knees, he let his tears fall
freely.

*******      

       "Apollo, please, have a seat. There is something I need to tell
you." Adama said to his son as Apollo entered his office. 
     " You probably won't believe what I have to tell you, but, after
we had spoken and I had retired to my quarters, I got very drunk, and
imagined your mother paid me a visit."
     "You saw, Mother?" Apollo asked.
     "Yes. She told me that everyone is allowed to return twice to see
loved ones, and she chose then to visit me.  But, she told me she had a
message from Serina for you." Adama leveled his gaze at his son. "Would
you like me to tell it to you? I can't tell you if it was real or not,
so the message might not mean anything."
     "Please," said Apollo, "tell me."
     "She wanted you to, 'let go'. Do you know what that means?" Adama
asked.
     "Yes." Apollo hung his head. "I know exactly what it means. It's
something we discussed before the wedding."
     Adama watched his son and saw the tears that began to cloud
Apollo's eyes. "Maybe someday, you'll tell me what that means."
     "Someday, Father. But not now. I promised Boxey, I'd take him to
the Astrolab to look at starcharts." Apollo stood. 
     "That's alright. You two enjoy yourselves. And, send Starbuck in
to see me. I have something to tell him too."
     "Of course, he's waiting outside with Boxey." 
     "Thank you." Adama said as Apollo exited the room.
     Starbuck entered a few microns later looking apprehensive. 
     "Please, sit down, Starbuck. Don't be nervous, I just wanted to
talk to you for a moment."
     Starbuck sat, but still kept his nervous posture. "What did you
want to see me about, Commander?"
     "I have a message for you from Zac." Adama stated.
     "From Zac? But, that's impossible!" Starbuck shouted and leapt to
his feet.
     "No, it's not. Ila's spirit paid me a visit. I know it wasn't just
a dream. She told me that Zac had a message for you that she was to
pass along."
     Starbuck dropped back into the chair. "What did he say?"
     "He said, 'don't blame yourself'."
     Starbuck hung his head. "He knows," Starbuck whispered.
     "Starbuck, do you blame yourself for what happened to Zac?" Adama
asked.
     "It was my patrol. If I had gone out instead of Zac..." Starbuck
trailed off, unable to finish.
     "Then maybe you would be dead instead of Zac." Adama stood and
walked over to Starbuck. 
     Starbuck looked up at him. "I didn't think of that."
     "No, you were too busy thinking that if you were there that Zac's
life would have been spared. It wasn't your fault Starbuck. I don't
blame you. No one does. You are the only one who does." 
     "I can't help but feeling that if I were there, I would have made
it back to the ship on time. Or that when the Cylons attacked Apollo
and I on patrol that I would have been able to avoid getting shot. I
wish it were me that was dead sometimes."
Adama walked around his desk and placed his hand on Starbuck's
shoulder. "Don't say that. As much as I miss my son, I would not wish
his death on anyone. It's not your fault, Starbuck. You mustn't blame
yourself."
     Starbuck stood up quickly. "Thank you sir. I need to go. I'm
meeting Athena for midmeal before her work cycle begins."
     "Enjoy your meal." 
     "Thank you." Starbuck turned and practically ran from the room.
     Adama sat on his desk and picked up the holopic of Ila he always
had sitting there. "Ila, love, I miss you. But, I'll never forget you.
I'll always remember."

The End