Subject: Place your bets - Starbuck's Personal Journal Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2001 From: ladyrae4@juno.com Place your bets - Starbuck's Personal Journal By Lady Rae I can't believe Apollo talked me into doing this. This is just a bunch of felgercarb! *Just* because I've been a little irritable lately Apollo thinks I should keep one of these personal journals. I don't see any need for it. I'm just fine. He doesn't think so! He thinks I need to work out my problems but I don't *have* any problems. Just because Cassie won't talk to me and I have no idea why. Then Athena told me *exactly* with step by step instruction, exactly what to do with my invitation to the Rising Star after she found out I offered the invite to three other women before I invited her (louse and jerk were the nice names she used for me. We won't even repeat what the worse were). So now she's hot and bothered with me. And then Apollo tells me I need to slow down and cool out! He thinks I have some *issues*. I don't HAVE any issues!!! ` You need to relax, Starbuck.' '1Maybe you should start keeping a personal journal, Starbuck. It might help you deal with your problems.' Well, my friend, I hate to inform you of this fact, but I don't HAVE any problems. So what? Five women turned me down for dinner tonight. So what?!? I had a bad run in the simulator today. So what? Colonel Tigh chewed me out today for something TOTALLY stupid. Do I care? No, not me! And about the fact I just lost a sectons pay playing Pyramid? Well, now *that* I care about. That hurt! Now I'm almost broke and to make matters worse, Apollo and Boomer won't loan me a cubit. They told me I needed to learn when to quit. To learn that I should set an amount I can gamble with and walk away when I lose it. What are they trying to be? My parents? Why should I do this? There is nothing wrong! Just because Apollo does this doesn't mean I should. I'm fine. I could use a drink. If I had the cubits to buy one. Where would I even begin? I know Apollo has kept one of these things since he was in his second yahren of secondary school. His father has kept one religiously for yahrens. Athena keeps one, well kinda sorta. She use to keep one every single day when she was a teenager. That is until Zac cracked her password for her journal and told everyone what she wrote. She was SOOOOOO mad I thought she was going to actually murder Zac. So I do know she does keep one, just with better security. Cassie keeps one too. But why does Apollo feel *I* need to keep one? Just because he feels better after writing things down doesn't mean I'm going to feel better or that I even *need* to feel better! I'm just fine. Everything is all right in my world. Couldn't be better!!. There is nothing, not a *single* thing bothering me! Not one little thing. Well, maybe *one* little thing. Wellllll, maybe a few more than one. I don't even know where to begin. Apollo told me to start at the beginning. What? How I grew up? What my life was like as a kid? Well, that would be redundant. I mean, everyone knows my past. How I was orphaned at the massacre at Umbra. It's not listed in the history text as a `massacre' but believe me it was. When two thousand children are left alone and parentless, of which I was one of them, then believe me, it was a massacre! What do I remember of it? I remember the overpowering smells as everything burned. The overwhelming smell of smoke and destruction. I know, you can't smell destruction, but yes you can, because I did. The sounds of the Cylon Raiders, swooping down from the sky, blasting the settlement out of existence. I remember the screams and the crying, the acrid smell of burning buildings, of the animals that were killed and their bodies burning. The Commander at one time told me how Umbra was basically an agricultural settlement. New techniques for growing food and producing livestock were tested there. There was also school there for third and fourth yahren agriculture students from the universities all over the Colonies, where they came to observe, learn and later participate in developing new techniques. I know from my own research Umbra was the hope for several of the colonies. Yahrens of war had ravaged our soil, making it impossible to grow food the conventional way. Making normal farming techniques obsolete. The residue of weaponry that had been used over the yahrens had come to make it almost impossible in some areas to grow and raise enough food to feed the people who lived there, let alone feel hungry people on other colonies. Were my parents farmers? Agriculture students? Even teachers based there? Were they one of the many merchants maintaining stores there for the inhabitants? I honestly don't know. When I was a kid, yeah I cared. Maybe I cared too much. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, and other relatives soon came and claimed many of the other kids. I waited, and yeah, I hoped someone would come for me, just like they were for the others, but I sort of realized in a pretty short time there was no one coming for me. No one wondered about me, or my parents, who ever they were. Not a single person. That really bothered me when I thought about it. Yeah, the social service people were nice, and I had a few really bad foster parents, but all I really wanted was my real family. Someone to come and say, `he's mine.' Frack! Well, at least no one is ever going to see this. I can't believe I'm even talking about this stuff. I got over this a long time ago. I learned how to `not feel' anymore. How to hide my emotions and not care about nothing. I learned from watching other kids and adapted to my situation. I learned all the tricks - how to defend myself against the other kids in the system, against other kids in the foster homes. It helped when I discovered early in life I had a real gift - I could talk my way out of anything. And most importantly, I discovered women liked me a lot! That I could smooth talk any woman. That I could con my way out of anything. I also learned how to gamble. One of my foster fathers had a nightly card game at his house. It was penny ante, two cubit game but I watched and learned. Finally I was allowed to join in the game. Soon I was playing cards with those men every night, and the funny part was, I was winning. Limar, my foster father at time was amazed. He claimed I had luck and a natural skill that grown men three times my age would have praised the Lords to have. Then he taught me how to use it, since he had been a professional wagerer in his youth. If there was something to bet on, some game of chance to play, we were there and more times than not, winning and winning big. At least it got me out of work detail, and the other kids just hated me for that, but I didn't care. I was having the time of my life. Limar taught me everything he knew and took me to observe and learn from some of the best wagerers in the business. I learned every scheme there was to playing Pyramid, or tonashi, or kameryan. Card games from every colony and culture and then some, but Limar had one steadfast rule. Never wager on animals. Claimed they were too much of a risk. Too chancy. No equines, no ferals, no daggits, nothing. That was one thing he was dead set about, well other than his religious beliefs in superstitions. Like he never wore a green shirt on the fifth day of the secton because it brought bad luck. He never gambled with Dracoras on the eighth day of the secton or after the Celebration of Tarcna, which was a ten day religious fast for Dracoras, since they became very testy and mean. I made sure I listened and learned from Limar. For the two yahrens I was with him and his family, I felt he was my greatest teacher. If there was a system to be played, he developed it and played it. If it were successful in one game, he would play it until either he was caught playing a system or the system didn't play anymore. If it were unsuccessful, he would file it away so he would never play it again. I have to admit, but don't tell anybody, I owe my skill in gambling to Limar. It was after Limar's sudden death when I was placed with yet another foster family, unfortunately these people were religious zealots who did not believe in card games, gambling or anything else even close. It was religion classes, nightly study of the Book of the Word, prayer, and church attendance. Was *that* a wake up call! I got out of there as soon as I could. I think I lasted a nearly two sectons before I began running away, which was still too long. I ran away so much the family I was with simply gave up trying to keep me there. Social Services was full of case workers who thought I needed to be `reformed', especially after there were so many reports filed by the foster families I was placed with. I can still remember the words they used to describe me: hopeless, irredeemable, obsessive (I'm not sure where they came up with that one) wicked, incorrigible, in need of a firm hand, needs more than we can give, has bonding issues. This list goes on and on and on. Then I went to the last foster family. Magda and Simeon. The truth be known, they were the best foster family I had. They both seemed to understand me in ways none of the others had. Not even my caseworkers understood me as these two people did. Their home was not a palace, by any means, but it was warm, safe, and secure and it was always there for me, even after I reached the age of majority in the foster system. It was from Magda I learned about being a colonial warrior. His stories about his life in the Colonial Service were exciting and adventure filled. The kind of stories that filled a dreary evening when there was nothing on the vid but politics. I found I wanted that kind of life. It was so far removed from the life I was leading and was probably destined to lead, since I was an orphan. A nobody without any future. When Magda learned I wanted to be a colonial warrior, zipping through the stars in my viper, blasting the Cylons to hades, he cautioned me about the rigorous training I would have to go through. The good grades I would need in secondary school just so I could apply to the Academy for admission. He explained to me the class work, the training schedule both on the physical and mental conditioning. He warned me about the dangers of the Colonial Service, tried to warn me about my own mortality. It was not all flying and fighting, excitement and adventure, and I would have to learn to obey orders. I would not be able to get things my own way anymore. Some one else was in control and I would have to listen and carry out the orders of people who were higher ranking than I was. I kinda knew something I sincerely know now, Magda was doing his level best to protect me, just like any real father would. He had been a highly decorated warrior before a severe injury forced his retirement from the service, and made it impossible for him and Simeon to exists on his military pension. He knew what the military demanded of you and what you had to do, how you had to obey orders, something I have always had a problem doing. What surprised me was Commander Adama knew, and remembered Magda, speaking of him very highly. The Commander served with him aboard the Prometheus many yahrens ago. It felt pretty good the old man remembered my foster father with such respect. Ya know, I really gotta keep on the subject here or I could ramble on for days. Well, speaking about the Commander, I guess that's as good a lead as any as to my meeting Apollo. Well, after I was placed with Magda and Simeon, I started another school yahren at yet another school. I met this kid one day, in fact on my first day of attending Caprica City Secondary School. All I could think of was this was just another school, filled with more kids who had parents they knew were theirs at home. I also knew by that age just how different I was than them. You know something? For such an advanced society, I never understood how kids who lost their parents could be treated as though they had some sort of dreaded disease or disorder. I have to admit I really pulled some felgercarb on Madga and Simeon. Why they kept me I never knew. Both Apollo and Boomer told me I was jaded by the system and by the life I had to lead to survive. I wondered if I was just a bad person, not deserving of a parent's love. God, I can't keep on the subject! This little idea of Apollo's is never going to work. I can't even tell a story without getting sidetracked. Okay, lets get back to meeting Apollo. When I started at Caprica City, I had been to so many schools in my life, what was one more? I didn't have anyone I could really call my `best friend' in my life. Never had anyone I could tell my deepest darkest feelings to. I certainly had no one I could really call a friend at this new school and I knew in time, I would move on again and go to another family, another school, never having any real roots. The first couple of yahrens moving from school to school, from home to home, I tried making friends. I tried to fit in with the rest of the kids. I even made it into some of their homes, met their parents, played with my new `friend's' sisters and brothers. Worked on belonging and having something of a normal life. It never lasted long. The parents of the kids I tried to be friends with would find out that I was an orphan with no idea who my parents were or what kind of family I came from. And if I tried to make up a family, a life, then sooner or later the parents would find out that it was all a lie. The offers to come to their houses would stop, no more staying over for supper or having sleepovers. No more going along on their family outings with them. Then the kids would stop taking to me, playing with me. They would move away when I came over, whispering secrets in little groups and I would be alone. So I learned the hard way to never to make any real attachments, because I would just get hurt in the end. Oh, I made casual friends, letting them get only as close as I wanted, fooling them into thinking they knew me, they could consider themselves my friends, but I kept my distance from them and their home lives. It was a lot easier that way. I learned to live in what Simeon called my "safe fantasy world" where I was the same as everyone else. But then I met this kid. He was a really shy kid, quiet, kept to himself. Pretty studious, the total opposite of me! When I walked into class one day, he was sitting with a guy I knew real well from the foster care system. Arawn was nothing but bad news and I knew from the first look this shy kid was out of his league with the lupus. I knew down to my soul Arawn was using him, but for what reason, I didn't know. But there was something about Apollo, to this day I can't tell you what it was, but I knew I had to find out about him, and find out why Arawn was so interested in him. I was curious. I admit that, but from the sneer on Arawn's face when I sat down at the table with the two of them, I knew there was *something* about this kid Arawn wanted for himself. So I decided I was going to sit there and ruin whatever plan or ideas Arawn had for Apollo. The funny part, is I found I *really* liked Apollo. Yeah, he was real quiet, really hard to get to know, had a great big chip on his shoulder, bigger than the one Magda claimed I had on mine. He was really secretive about his family, where he lived. I wondered if he was like me - living in a foster home. Every other kid I met in my life had talked on and on about their parents, their brothers and sisters, their pets, their grandparents, going to the lake, going to the shore, traveling, but this guy was different. Nothing. He said pretty much nothing about his home. Well as luck would have it, we got assigned to do a class project together, which Arawn got pretty ticked about. I didn't care `cause I never like him and I never ever trusted him. I knew Apollo was fresh game for him and I had to run interference, because this kid really didn't deserve whatever Arawn had in mind for him. Well, I finally found out what Arawn saw in Apollo. I found out the day I was at Apollo's house and met his father. Now, there was not a kid on Caprica who did not know Commander Adama. Frack, there wasn't a person on Caprica who didn't know Apollo's family. They were very well known, with Apollo's mother being an outspoken voice in local politics and the Commander being well known for commanding the Galactica and election to the Council of Twelve. Lords, Apollo's family was very visible. His grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, distant relatives. A lot of them were into politics, law, the military. No wonder Apollo was the way he was. I came to realize there was more than just society's attitude to those who did not know their roots, did not know where they came from. There was also a lot of pressure and a lot of things expected out of Apollo. He was his father's first-born son. His father was a first son and made a name and a place for himself. Apollo was expected to excel, live up to his family's example. Apollo was afraid to `cut lose,' afraid he would disappoint his family or shame them in some way if he did something people did not expect from him and made them talk about him. Apollo hates to be the center of attention; he hates to be compared to other members of his family. I can attest he's worked and worked really hard for everything he's gotten in life. No free handouts for him. He had to overcome a lot at the Academy. He was expected to be like the rest of his family. To excel, achieve. Of course, I was expected to fail, quit or be kicked out of the Academy. Neither of us did everything expected of us and then when we met Boomer. Well, I guess Boomer just completed the holopic. Not too much rattled Boomer, but if you made him angry, look out. Apollo had a temper and had to learn to control it, where I just did what I wanted, when I wanted and to hades with the consequences. I knew I would talk myself out of any trouble anyway. When it came to women though, Apollo was the quiet one, Boomer was the steady one, and I was the one who wanted as many women as I could handle. Two, three, four at a time. Both Apollo and Boomer wondered if I would die of exhaustion or at the hands of some jealous husband or boyfriend. Nah, not me. I tried to stay away from the sealed ladies, but you know, some slipped right on by my radar. Apollo always told me I was a sucker for a beautiful woman. Boomer always said I was a sucker for any woman. Now I like to think I had my standards and expectations when it came to women. I admit it - I like them, and they like me. The only time I thought I would come close to losing Apollo as a friend was when I started dating Athena and well, that's another story. Frack!! I'm supposed to be at a squadron meeting! Apollo is going to have a fit if I miss another one. I guess we'll have to continue this later! (end of entry)