The Three Little Colonials 
by Erin Gieg

     Once upon a battlestar, three little colonials lived happily with
their commander. One cycle, the Commander told them that it was time to
enter the 'real world' and make names for themselves. 
     "Be sure to construct strong quarters," he said. "And be ever
watchful for the lupus in ovine's clothing."
     The first little colonial, whose name happened to be Apollo, headed
out. As he was scouting for a good place to build his quarters, he came
across a warrior who was hauling straw. 
     "What are you doing?" Apollo asked. 
     "I'm hauling this straw away to jettison. It's moldy." 
     "Oh please, may I have some. I have to build my new quarters, and I
have nothing to build them with," Apollo begged. 
     The warrior eyed him strangely, but was all too eager to surrender
the straw to Apollo and go on his merry way.  Apollo spent many a cycle
building his quarters. When they were finally finished, he had a very
nice living space, complete with wheat-woven curtains, even though he had
a terrible time with his mold allergies. 
     One cycle, the lupus came knocking at his door. "Apollo, Apollo," he
said. "Let me in...I have an urgent peace treaty for your perusal." 
     "I don't think so," Apollo sneered. "Baltar, I've heard enough of
your lies." 
     "Well then," Baltar said. "I'll have my minions blow your house
down." 
     Apollo suddenly realized what was about to happen.  "Oh please,
don't destroy my home," he wept. "I've had too much angst in my life
already...you can't do this to me." 
     "Oh, you're so pathetic, Apollo," Baltar said. 
     He called his Cylons and they opened fire and destroyed the home.
Then Baltar carried Apollo off to his basestar. 
     Meanwhile, the second colonial, Boxey, met a warrior with a load of
sticks.  "Where are you going with those sticks, Jolly," he asked. 
     "Well, lad, I'm off to the airlock wi' these. They're much too
rotten to be of any use," the warrior replied. 
     "Could I have them?" Boxey asked. 
     "Whatever would you want them for?" Jolly asked, puzzled. 
     "I have to build my new quarters, and I need something to build them
with." 
     Jolly, thinking the boy was out to make a tree fort or something
like that, agreed, handed over the sticks, and went back from whence he
had come. Boxey enlisted the help of his trusty daggit, Muffy, and
quickly put up his quarters. 
     The next cycle, the lupus came to visit Boxey.  He knocked on the
door, and Boxey said, "Hello?" 
     Baltar grinned evilly, as lupus are prone to do.  "Little colonial,
let me in," Baltar said. "I'm a friend of Apollo's. He wanted me to come
and tuck you in." 
     Boxey peered through one of the cracks, and gasped. "I know you!" he
said. 
     Baltar's grin faded. 
     "You're the traitor!" Boxey accused. 
     Baltar adopted a scowl. "Well, I'm going to come in and get you,"
Baltar said. 
     "Wait," Boxey protested. "I'll tell you a bedtime story." Muffy gave
a short yip of agreement as Boxey leaned toward him and whispered, "Maybe
a story will calm him down." 
     "Once upon a battlestar, there lived a kindly old Sire with his
beautiful daughter," Boxey started the story. 
     "Ha!" Baltar said suddenly (sounding not unlike Avery Brooks). "You
can't put me to sleep with a sappy story like that!" He called his Cylon
forces. They opened fire and burned down the quarters made of sticks.
Then he carried Boxey (and Muffy) off to his basestar, all the while
chuckling to himself and saying, "I'll show Apollo angst!" 
     The third little colonial, who had a great deal more sense than the
other two, found an old stockpile of bricks. Athena quickly enlisted some
warriors to help her build her quarters. In short order, the job was
done, and none too soon.
     A few microns later, Baltar came knocking on her door. "Let me in,
Athena," Baltar said. 
     "You wish," Athena replied. 
     "Well, I'm coming in whether you like it or not," Baltar said.
     He motioned for his troops to open fire on the structure.  The
Cylons shot and shot and soon, the house was a pile of rubble. As Baltar
looked around, he chuckled fiendishly to himself. He was _really_ going
to get to Adama today. 
     Suddenly, shots from behind one of the piles felled one Cylon after
another until there were none of the tin cans left. Athena popped up and
aiming her sidearm directly at Baltar's chest, she advanced until she was
standing in front him. 
     "Now," she said in a steely voice. "You are going to get my brother
and nephew." 
     "Can't we talk about this first," Baltar wheedled. 
     "Right now!" Athena prodded him. 
     Baltar arranged for Boxey and Apollo to be returned to the
Galactica. Athena promptly escorted him to the brig, where he
languished...until he was needed for the next story, of course. Boxey
quickly ordered Muffit 3 from the Colonial Replicator Catalog (as Aunt
Athena had neglected to mention the daggit's return to Baltar). The order
form was sent off to a galaxy long ago and far far away.  And the three
little colonials lived happily ever after...for now. 
THE END 

Erin Gieg aka Airys, Adamma, Giegabyte, or Erin #5 (so far...) 
1998
giegabyte@connect.ab.ca 
http://www.connect.ab.ca/~giegabyte/index.html