Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 101 Date: Mon, 04 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 101 Scene: In a secret, hidden place aboard the Galactica...the quiet underbelly...where no one knows, and no one goes...a place to hide, a place to think, a place to be alone... Two men are hunched over a small fire (don't ask where they got the wood or why fire control isn't detecting it and turning on the sprinkler system - I said, *Don't Ask!*). Omega finishes reading a report, and sets it aside. Omega: *Sigh.* Isn't that woman ever going to leave the Galactica? Boomer: I thought you enjoyed her company. Omega: I did...for a while. It got me off the bridge, gave me a little screen time. But sooner or later, I was bound to get tired of it. Boomer: Bound? She was into bondage? Omega: No, I mean...never mind. So what brings you here? Boomer: (Dismally.) Columbo is looking for me. He said he just wants the secret of my fumarellos, but I know better. He wants to blame me for the termination of Ganymede. Omega: This early in the investigation? Boomer: Yeah. Omega: That's a good sign! The initial suspect is never the actual killer in these kind of things! Boomer: Unless it's so obvious that there's no other choice, it's just a matter of proving it, of finding the little bit of evidence that does the trick and unravels the perfect crime... Omega: Are you saying you did it, and you're afraid he's going to find the evidence if he finds you? Boomer: No - because I didn't do it - but I don't want to give him the chance. How could Starbuck do this to me, turn me over to him like that? Omega: But he didn't turn you over. Boomer: How did Columbo find out about the fumarello? Omega: Didn't you read the report? There was a partially-smoked fumarello under the body. Boomer: The Colonel never lets us read those official reports. Unless I wanna be like Apollo and read all the top-secret stuff without clearance, I don't get to find out about it. Who's passing it to you, anyway? Omega: Uh, that's not important right now. Well, if it's any consolation, Columbo doesn't suspect you. He just wants to find out who got some of your fumarellos. Boomer: Officially, or unofficially? Omega: I think they're all unofficial, aren't they? Boomer: Good point. A third figure crawls out of a nearby conduit and joins them at the fire. Croft: Hi, guys. Omega: Hello, Croft. What brings you here? Croft: I got my new orders. Commanding finks! They're sending me to the Jolly and Cassie ship! Taking me off the prison barge and sticking me with the kids. Well, I'm not going! Omega: Seems to be a lot of that going around. Athena's not going, either. Boomer: Wait - Athena? They were sending Athena to the Jolly and Cassie ship? Omega: They were, until she quit the service. Boomer: She quit? She can't do that! She'll be devastated when it sinks in what she's done! Commander Adama and Apollo will be devastated! I've got to stop her... Croft: But how can you, from here? Boomer: Omega, you said I'm not a suspect in Ganymede's termination? Omega: Not according to the reports I've read. Boomer: Then I can leave here and go back to the inhabited parts of the ship and my duty. I've got to stop Athena! I've got to save her from herself! No matter what the cost! He quickly scrambles into the conduit and disappears. Croft: So how long do you figure on being down here? Omega: It's been too long already. Croft: Well, at least you get to look forward to an endpoint. I could be here for yahrens... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tinia say, "And risk the flying darts? Not on your life!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 102 Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 102 Scene: Outside the O Club. Adama and Tinia approach. Adama: I don't know about you, Siress, but considering everything that's happening around here, I could use a drink. Tinia: I don't blame you. And I'll gladly join you. The door opens and Greenbean rushes out, nearly running them over. Greenbean: (Coming to attention.) Commander! Siress! Adama: At ease, Greenbean. What seems to be the problem? Greenbean: (Swallowing.) Sir, you don't want to go in there, sir... Adama: Why not? Is the bar out of ambrosa? Greenbean: No. Adama: Pretzels? Greenbean: No. Adama: Is Giles doing karaoke again? Geenbean: He was, until he got a dart in the end. Tinia: A dart at the end? Greenbean: No, a dart *in* the end. Somebody was drinking better than they were aiming... Adama: We'll be careful, then. Greenbean: That somebody was Siress Belloby, sir. Adama: We'll be somewhere else, then. Greenbean: But, sir, what about Starbuck? Adama: What about him? Greenbean: He's been mummified! Tinia: (Horrified.) Mummified! I didn't even know he was dead! Did someone kill him too? Maybe the same person who killed Ganymede killed Starbuck! Greenbean: No, not that kind of mummified- Adama: (Sternly.) If he's had too much to drink, pour him into his bunk or carry him off to Life Center, the same as usual. Greenbean: Not that kind, either - he's been twined! Adama: (Shocked.) Twined! Like a kobolian mummy? This is serious. Who's responsible for this outrage? Greenbean: Uh...I don't know, sir... (He takes off.) The door opens again, and Komma comes dashing out, nearly running them over. Adama: Komma! Komma: Commander! Adama: What's going on in there? Komma: Uh...Siress Belloby has really bad aim, sir... Adama: Does she have anything to do with Starbuck being twined like a kobolian mummy? Komma: Not that I know of, sir. Adama: So who does? Komma: (Tugging at his collar.) I don't know, sir. Gotta go! (He takes off.) Tinia: Adama, something's happened in there, that your crew seem reluctant to tell you about! I think we've got to go in there! Adama: And risk disaster by Belloby? Tinia: You're the commander! It's your duty! Adama: You're a council member! You go in! Tinia: And risk the flying darts? Not on your life! You get paid to take risks, I don't! The door opens, and a stampede of Black Ovines and Blue Squadron members run out, trampling the commander and the siress. The Ovines are followed by a mechanical daggit, which pauses at the fallen figures of the fleet's leaders - and then begins dragging them to safety, out of the path of running feet. Unfortunately, it drags them into the O Club...out of which suddenly come piercing screams... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Space 'em all!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 103 Date: Wed, 06 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 103 Scene: A small chamber in the underbelly of the Galactica, the dark and secret place, full of shadows, where a fire burns inexhaustibly despite nobody ever apparently putting more wood on it. Croft and Omega sit beside the fire. They look up at the sound of something opening and a shaft of light, quickly blocked. Then...a figured wrapped like a kobolian mummy drops in on them. Figure: Ooof! Omega: A kobolian mummy! Croft: How do you know? Omega: I saw the reports from Kobol! I also aced my classical history classes at the Academy. That is definitely a kobolian mummy. The figure begins to struggle. Omega and Croft stare in disbelief. Omega: It's alive! Croft: It's moving! Omega: It's making noise! Croft: I think it's Starbuck! Omega: I didn't know he was a mummy! That wasn't in any of the reports I saw! Croft: It must be recent. Let's get him out of there, maybe he can tell us how he got twined like that, and why he dropped in on us. They help Starbuck unwrap, with him sputtering all the way. Starbuck: Boyington, you give me back my fumarello- Oh, hi, Croft, Omega. Where am I? Croft: (Exchanging cautious glances.) You're here. Starbuck: I can see that. Croft: So why'd you ask? Starbuck: Where *is* here? Omega: Uh, we'd rather not say at the moment. But what happened to you? How'd you wind up like that? What did Boyington have to do with it? Starbuck: It's his fault. He is going to be so sorry. I'm going to kick sand in his face. I'm going to steal his girlfriend. I'm going to win all his cubits in our next Pyramid game. I'm going to spit in his ambrosa. I'm going to take his daggit! Croft: Daggit! But there are no more daggits! Omega: True. None of the real ones survived, and after Jolly and Cassie's kids disassembled Muffey, the Commander ordered that no more be created, ever. Wilker nearly got spaced for disobeying that order when he created Kanine! Starbuck: Well, he made one for Boyington and the Black Ovines, too! Space'em all! At that, a mysterious, distant howling sound echoes through the corridor and the chamber. All three gasp and cling to each other. Starbuck: What was that? Croft: (Swallowing.) I'm not sure. I thought I heard something when I was making my way through the conduits and corridors to get here, but this sounded closer. What is it? Omega: I...I think I know what it is... It's the Galactica ghost... Starbuck: The Galactica ghost? What's that? I've been on this ship for yahrens, and I've never heard of a Galactica ghost! How come I never heard of it? Omega: It's classified information...only a handful of us know the story. Croft: Some former commander or heroic fighter who died valiantly defending our Worlds and continues to try to protect us from beyond and won't leave the ship? Omega: No. Croft: Some incident between jealous crew that erupted into violence and left a psychic imprint on the place where the murder took place? Omega: No. Croft: A lonely soul who promised to wait for a lover to return, still waiting for the lost love who didn't come back from battle? Omega: No. Starbuck: (Breaking in.) Enough, already! So what is it? Before that noise gets any closer! Omega: It's the real reason that Commander Adama and Colonel Tigh threatened to space Wilker if he created any more daggits - and if Apollo and Wilker had known about it, they would never have created Muffey in the first place... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear...the story of the Galactica ghost. Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 104 Date: Thu, 07 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 104 Scene: The chamber somewhere in the heart...bowels...underbelly...longissimus dorsi...well, *somewhere* in the anatomy of the Galactica, where Omega, Croft, and Starbuck are hunched together over a fire, fearfully glancing at the darkness around them, out of which occasionally sounds a distant howling moan, echoing eerily... Starbuck: (Hushed.) Tell us, Omega. Tell us about the Galactic ghost. Omega: (With a deep breath.) If you really want me to... Croft: (Looking around at the darkness.) For Pete's sake, tell us already! Starbuck: Who's Pete? Omega: That's another story. I thought you wanted to hear about the ghost. Starbuck: I do... I think I do... I guess I do... Well, not really, but it beats sitting here wondering how bad the story could be while something is out there waiting to pounce on us, rip out our hearts, tear us limb from limb and scatter our bloody pieces from one end of the Galactica to the other and space whatever's left. It wouldn't do that to us, would it? Croft, you wanna switch places? Croft: And leave me closest to the conduit to be the first one rent limb from limb by the Galactica ghost? No way! Omega, what's the story? Omega: All right, I'll tell you... It was a long time ago, on a dark and stormy night- Croft: Wait a centon, there's no weather on a battlestar! Omega: The story didn't start on the battlestar. Croft: Oh. Go ahead, then. Omega: As I said, it was a dark and stormy night, a long time ago. The Galactica was still in space dock, because it hadn't been completed yet. Croft: There's no weather in space dock, either. Omega: (Annoyed.) I didn't say the weather was on the Galactica or the space dock. The story doesn't start there! It starts on Caprica! On a dark and stormy night! Something in the fire goes "pop." The three men jump, yelping. There's a flurry of pops for about thirty microns, then the pops stop. Starbuck: I think the popcorn's done. He pulls the bag away from the fire and tears it open. They all start munching. Omega: Anyway, the pilot who was to be future first flight commander of the Battlestar Galactica, a man named Neit, was on leave before coming aboard the soon to be commissioned new battlestar. Starbuck: The first flight commander of the Galactica wasn't named Neit. He was named Anubis! I know that much about the ship's history! Omega: Anubis was the first flight commander, but he wasn't the first choice. Croft: Pass the sodium chloride. So what happened to Neit - or is that as relevant to the story as that dark and stormy night seems to be? Omega: (Voice dropping to a whisper.) On the night that Neit was packing, he left his barracks with his duffel, walking out into the storm - but he never arrived at the shuttle that was to bring him to the Galactica. He was missing, reported AWOL. A few days later, they found Neit's body, up in the Canis hills. Despite being a fully-trained, completely-armed, wilderness-experienced warrior who wasn't supposed to be there in the first place, he appeared to have been torn to pieces by wild animals. Reflexively, Croft and Starbuck glance around them, looking nervous. Omega: So Anubis, who arrived on the Galactica the day after Neit disappeared, took over the position of flight commander, temporarily. Starbuck: And it's Neit's ghost that's supposed to be haunting the Galactica? Why? Shouldn't he be haunting the Canis hills where he died? Omega: One would think so...but that wasn't all. The wounds on the dead man suggested he had been killed by dire daggits! Croft: Dire daggits! Haven't they been extinct on Caprica for millennia? Omega: Yes. There'd been no living dire daggits found anywhere on Caprica for over fifteen hundred yahrens, at that time. Starbuck: Wow... That's weird. Did they ever figure out where the dire daggits had come from? Croft: And do we ever get to figure out where the Galactica comes into this? And what this has to do with the Commander and Muffey? Omega smiles mysteriously. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the rest of the story... Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 105 Date: Fri, 08 Jun 2001 "This is newscaster Koppel, reporting. It's been fifteen sectons now since this all began. We don't seem to be any closer to an ending than we were then...and we've certainly got a lot more plot threads flying lose. We've had a murder. We've got missing mushies and missing personnel, too. There's an upcoming Council election. Adama's still ducking from Belloby. Athena's bolted with Amanda. Jolly and Cassie now have 2001 kids on their ship, although they're just fostering the Miri Feathers' children. They didn't actually adopt them outright. The Miri Feathers are in re-training. And there have been mysterious sounds noted in the conduits of the Galactica that have yet to be explained..." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 105 Scene: Still somewhere aboard the Galactica. The popcorn is gone; the fire is dying. Omega picks up an illuminator and holds it so the others can see his face. His voice echoes eerily as he continues the story. Omega: The story isn't over. See, Anubis was supposed to be only temporarily in charge of the squadrons. A new flight officer, Lupercus, was assigned. But... (Dramatic pause.) He never made it to the Galactica either. He was killed on a training flight with a group of Academy cadets - accidentally shot out of the sky by his own people...over the same hills where Neit died. He managed to eject. His personal landing chute was found, billowing among the trees. But his body never was... Starbuck: Shouldn't he be haunting the same hills, too? I mean, if he was going to haunt anything? Or is neither of them haunting the Galactica and this has nothing more to do with the Galactica ghost than that dark and stormy night stuff? Omega: Patience... By then, there were people starting to think the Galactica might be cursed in some way, to lose two assigned flight officers before they could even come aboard. Neit was Scorpian, from their old royal family, in fact, and Lupercus was Arien. But Anubis was Caprican; nothing happened to him. Pilots from the other Worlds refused to be assigned to the Galactica, and the new battlestar finally went out with a completely Caprican crew. To this day, most of our crew is Caprican. Didn't you ever notice or think about it? Croft and Starbuck: (Together, looking at each other.) No. Omega: Oh. Anyway, the story was hushed up, but it still seemed...prudent...not to have senior officers from other worlds in command of this ship. After a couple of yahrens, people forgot the story, of course, or it was so blown out of context that nobody knew where it had started, but by then it was habit - tradition - that the command staff of the Galactica has always been...Caprican. Croft: Well, that explains that odd little detail. But what about the ghost? Can we get back to the ghost? Omega: Back to the early days, the newly christened and launched Galactica was having a few problems. Croft: Technical problems? Omega: Among other things. Anubis had a lot of problems as flight commander. He didn't get along well with his pilots, so there was a lot of grumbling. Soon some of the crew were claiming they'd seen Neit and Lupercus roaming some of the lower corridors, like they were running from something. And they reported hearing the what sounded like daggits, barking, barking in the deep. Starbuck: How deep are we? Croft: Deep enough. Go on. Omega: In a battle, Anubis was hit, took a lot of damage, got hurt pretty bad. It was the yahren-anniversary of the death night of Neit; some people thought there might have been a little friendly fire involved. On his death bed, back in Life Center, Anubis asked for a mystic to hear his death admission. The mystic was supposedly very shaken. It was yahrens later, in his own death admission, the mystic finally reported what Anubis had said - that he had wanted to be flight commander of the new battlestar so bad, he had been responsible for the deaths of both Neit and Lupercus. Starbuck: How? Omega: Supposedly, magic, according to the mystic. Croft: I don't believe in magic. Starbuck: Neither do I. Omega: You believe in Iblis, don't you? The other men shudder. Starbuck: That's different...that's just evil. Omega: The other option, since Anubis's father was a Colonies-famous geneticist, is that he had cloned a pack of dire daggits on Caprica from old DNA samples. The family estate included part of the Canis Hills - and they got loose - twice - or were deliberately sent hunting. Croft: The Hounds of the Canises... Omega: (Shrugging.) After that, supposedly, there were people who claimed to have seen the ghosts of three pilots, racing through the lower corridors as fast as they could, and hearing the sounds of dire daggits howling as if chasing their prey. You'll notice we don't use this part of the ship much, except for storage. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to use it for hiding, now. Croft nods thoughtfully. Starbuck: So which one is the Galactica ghost? Neit, Lupercus, or Anubis? And I still don't know what this has to do with the Commander's ban on building daggits. Omega: There was a commander who once brought his pet daggit aboard. Spectral dire daggits supposedly hunted it down along with a couple of unfortunate techs who'd been assigned to walk it every cycle -- right in the middle of officer's territory. The theory was that the ghosts of the dire daggits, if that's what they were, still pursuing the ghosts of their victims and the man who created them, could also smell real daggits, and hunted them down as the mortal enemies they had been in real life. Starbuck: Even if there's any truth to that, we never saw these...ghost dire daggits...any time that Muffey was aboard. Hmm. Muffey wasn't real, maybe they couldn't smell it. So other droid daggits should be fine too. Croft: Or the ghost dire daggits don't really exist and it's about time that foolish superstition was brought to an end! Starbuc: You wanna check out the conduits and corridors where we heard the noises? Croft: (Eyeing the entry hatch.) Uh...maybe later. Starbuck: Say, if Adama knew about these ghost daggits, and thought they might come hunting down a droid daggit and anyone who happened to be with it, why didn't he get rid of Muffey sooner? Omega: (Shaking his head.) Sorry, Starbuck, that's one question I have no answer for. Croft: I can think of one. More popcorn, anybody? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Giles say, "It's not against regulations to kiss a cadet." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 106 Date: Sat, 09 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 106 Scene: The simulator training room. Greenbean is instructing a number of the Miri Feathers pilots in some practice runs. Greenbean: All right, cadets- Gabrielle: Hold it! I am not a cadet. I am a commander and a princess. Orinoccoa: And I am a queen. Show some respect. Greenbean: Uh, okay, all right, cadets and commander and queen- Avona: Stop right there! None of us are cadets, buster. This is a remedial training class, that's all. We're not beginners! Greenbean: I gotta call you something! (Looks around in desperation.) Giles, where are you? You're supposed to be helping out here! Giles: (Voice from somewhere.) Huh? Oh... Giles pops up from behind the farthest simulator, looking slightly rumpled. Behind him, Sancroixa slips into the simulator, grinning and a bit flushed. Greenbean: (Glaring.) This is the last time I agree to take on training with you! Giles, get out! Giles: You can't throw me out! Greenbean: Get out or I'll put it in the official report that you were smooching behind the simulator! Giles: Hey, it's not against regulations to kiss a cadet! Sancroixa's grin fades. She steps out of the simulator and taps him on the shoulder. Giles turns. Sancroixa: (Decking him with a left hook.) We told the man we're not cadets. As Greenbean considers the possibilities of conducting the class full of leather-n-feather clad women all by his lonesome, a conduit in the ceiling suddenly gives way, and Boomer comes crashing down in the midst of the simulators. Greenbean: Boomer! What are you doing here? Where have you been? And could you possibly get lost again while I finish this remedial training class solo? Avona: (Excited.) We're doing solos already? Greenbean: No, I'm teaching solo! Boomer: Well, unless Athena's here teaching or simulating, I won't be sticking around. Greenbean: She's not here doing either. At least not that I've seen. There's no Athena among you, is there, cad...uh, pilots? The women look around at each other, all shaking their heads with various negative sounds. Greenbean: See? Boomer: (Sighing heavily.) I'll have to continue my search elsewhere. I guess I'll be going... Greenbean: Could you take Giles with you and drop him off at Life Center? Boomer: Is Athena there? Greenbean: (Shrugging.) She might be. Boomer: Okay. Boomer quickly slings Giles' unconscious body over his shoulders and heads out the door, leaving Greenbean alone with the ladies. Greenbean: Well, I guess we can get on with the class. Now don't be afraid to ask questions, ladies. I'll help you all, and I'm definitely available afterwards if anybody needs any personal help or time in the simulators or a review of the basics, and I'm certainly willing to help with your G-suit fitting session- He's interrupted by a knock at the door. Dietra, Sorrell, and Brie walk in. Greenbean: Hi! Can't talk now, we're in the midst of simulator runs- Brie: We know. Colonel Tigh sent us to handle the simulators. Greenbean: But that's my job! Sorrell: You've been replaced. Out, blondie. Greenbean: But...but... Dietra: Don't worry, Greenbean. We'll take over from here. We saw Boomer and Giles -- these pilots are obviously too much for you guys to handle. Greenbean's lip begins to quiver as he looks out over the Miri Feathers. Then, kicking along like a little boy who just lost his best shooter in a game of marbles, head hung low, shoulders slumped, he heads for the door. Brie: Oh, come on, Dietra, maybe we can find a reason for him to stay. What do you think, gals? Can he stay? The Miri Feathers start to cheer. Greanbean turns around hopefully, and is immediately swarmed by the ladies. We hear a yelp. A moment later, Sancroixa jumps up, holding an item of men's apparel. Sancroixa: So this is how G-suits come off! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Belloby say, "You were wearing your spiked heels again, weren't you?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 107 Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 107 Scene: Siress Belloby's temporary quarters aboard the Galactica. Belloby walks in and begins rearranging the massive pile of pillows on the sofa when Cordelia skips into the room from the outside corridor. Cordelia: Hi, Auntie Belloby! Belloby: Hello, Cordelia. Where've you been? Cordelia: (Quite cheerfully.) I went to the landing bays to see if my beloved sweet Apollo had come back yet. Belloby: Has he? Cordelia. No. But I'll check again later. Can I help you, Auntie Belloby? Belloby: Sure. Why don't you finish rearranging these pillows for me. Cordelia: (Brightly.) Okay. Cordelia skips across the room, but trips on a rug in front of the sofa and falls into the pillows, completely disappearing from sight. Belloby: Oh, and Cordelia- Now where did she go? Sweet kid, but not a brain in her head... Can't keep a thought for more than two microns. I can see why she and Apollo get along so well. The door page sounds. Belloby answers. Melbrook: Hi, I'm Sire Melbrook, and I'm campaigning to be re-elected to a seat on the Council of Twelve, where I have served with devotion and skill for the last six sectars. Belloby: You've met me, I'm Siress Belloby- Melbrook: Frakkin' glad to meet you - I hope you'll vote for me - excuse me... He vanishes from sight; his aide steps in. Aide: That was Sire Melbrook, he was frakkin' glad to meet you. Please remember to vote for him next secton in the election. The aide followed the sire, leaving Belloby standing alone at the door. Belloby: I hate politicians. Cordelia manages to stick her head out from the pillows, feathers stuck in her hair, and spitting out another feather. She gets a hand free and starts waving. Cordelia: Auntie Belloby, can you help me? I'm stuck in the pillows... Belloby grabs her arm and manages to pull Cordelia out of the pillows. She is covered with feathers and there is a veritable featherstorm by the time she's free. Belloby: (Glancing at her bare feet.) You were wearing your stiletto heels again, weren't you? Cordelia: Yes, but my dear beloeved sweet Apollo likes them so much! Belloby: Well, find them back - and try not to rip the other half of my pillows with them, would you, dear? Cordelia: (Valiantly.) I'll try, Auntie Belloby! She throws herself back into the pillow pile. Her feet, the only part of her that can still be seen, wave wildly as she swims her way through the feathers. Coughing, Belloby turns on the vidlink. Belloby: Might as well see what's on IFB... Tinia: ...And I'm Siress Tinia, and I hope you'll vote for me in the election, so I can continue to do what I do best - represent you, and maintain the intimate...uh, close working relationship I've established between the military and civilian parts of our people... Belloby: Blech. Political advertising. Who wants to hear that? What's on the other channel? Thank goodness IFB has two tracks of programming now... (Switches stations.) Geller: ...Hello, let me introduce myself. (Chuckles.) Although I'm sure, to most of you, I need no introduction, since I've served you nobly and with dedication since we left Carillon... Cordelia: (Appearing from amidst the feathers.) Auntie Belloby, I can't find my other shoe, I think it fell between the cushions. Belloby: Great. Now the cushions will be ripped too! Cordelia, hon, you've got to get rid of those stiletto heels! The door page rings again. Belloby opens the door to see: Domra: Good aftermidday, Siress. My name is Domra, and I'd like to talk to you about the future of our fleet- Belloby seals the door in his face. Belloby: Politicians! Councilors! They're everywhere! There's no way to get away from them! Cordelia: (Shaking herself to get feathers out of her hair and clothes. The videolator zooms in on the expected location. Quick - what color are her eyes?) You know the old saying, Auntie Belloby - if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Belloby: Join 'em-! Join 'em... Cordelia, dear, that is a fine idea! Cordelia: (Looking alarmed.) Am I supposed to have those? Belloby: This once, I'll overlook it. (Chuckling.) And then, I'm going to put in my name and run for a seat on the Council of Twelve! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Reese say, "I can play that card too." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 108 Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 Grumble, grumble... We had a computer crash over the weekend, had to restore the entire system and reload everything. Everything. I was not a happy camper... Not even a Jolly one. I had a very rough next segment of the challenge, but that's gone. I'll try to reconstruct and polish... -- Sharon ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 108 Scene: The launch bay of the Galactica, where Boomer is about to board a shuttle. Reese runs into the bay. Reese: Boomer, hey, Boomer! Boomer: What is it, Reese, and make it quick. I've got to the get to the Rising Star to find Athena. Reese: Even though one of you is likely to get bumped off if you do convince her to come back here and rejoin the military and the two of you get married and one of you has to become the Bonanza bride or Bonanza groom? Boomer: Why does that make me think of Commander Adama? Reese: Well, his wife died, too...ooh, twice, come to think of it... Boomer: Reese, you're crazy. And besides, even if there's such a thing as a Bonanza bride, there's no such thing as a Bonanza groom. When grooms are killed, it's offstage and usually before the series - like Vela's husband, and Serina's first husband, and Sarah's husband- Reese: Remember what Koppel said... Boomer: That's all just videolator talk. Reese: Yeah? What about Serina? Boomer: When she realized what she was in for if she stayed for a series, she wanted out. I don't want out. Reese: What if Athena does? Boomer: I'll talk her out of it. Or else I'll marry her and then she can leave in some tragic fashion. I'll get some nice angsty scenes like Apollo does and they'll fall all over themselves finding women to throw at me so I can reject them in my grief and determination to be true to Athena. After all, now that he's gone, somebody's gotta be the tragic romantic hero. No reason it can't be me. Reese: Well, it could be me, now that Sheba's dumped me! I mean, that's pretty tragic stuff! And I do a lot of pretty heroic stuff every day in this fleet. Boomer: Sorry, you're just a security officer. It takes a warrior, a brave heroic pilot, to really be a tragic romantic hero. Now if I only had a brother or sister or other family member to wander around looking worried about me...especially if that other family member turned out to be a ship commander or Council member or other big name in the fleet... Of course, once I'm married to Athena, that'll make Adama my father-in-law, that should count for something... Reese: Is this a good time to mention that Sire Melbrook is my father's cousin, twice removed? Boomer: I'm not surprised. But so what if he is? Of course, I could pull a Starbuck ploy and turn out to have been orphaned at a young and tender age, maybe have a relative show up - maybe Tigh's actually my illegitimate father...or Sire Solon could be my long-lost uncle...maybe I could discover that one of the children on the Orphan Ship is actually my niece or nephew, and I could bring them here to raise, like Apollo did - no, scratch that idea. One too-cute kid was more than enough... Reese: The Destruction orphaned me. So I can play that card too! Boomer: (Getting irritated.) You're still not a pilot. And we're the stars. Reese: Just a centon, buster. Where is it written that only warrior pilots get to be stars and tragic heroes? This entire fleet is full of people who lost everything in the Destruction. Some of us are pretty darn tragic too! And now that Apollo's gone, we deserve to be heroes just as much as you do! After all, that whole Cylon daggitfight stuff is going to get pretty old in a big hurry! And then what'll you do for drama? Boomer: That's why we pilot warriors also play triad, and go on missions to find seed and fuel and other supplies, and go out to rescue our buddies from primitive planets, and discover traitors in our midst at great risk to our own lives, and struggle among ourselves to love and fight, and save the fleet from other forms of destruction! Reese: I really hate you guys, you know that? A technician comes running up to Boomer and Reese. Technician: Did you hear the news? We just got word from Captain Apollo! He's coming back! He'll be landing back on the Galactica within the centar! Reese and Boomer look at each other. Boomer: Well, so much for becoming the new tragic romantic hero... Reese: Yeah. None of us stand a chance at much of anything as long as he's around. Him and Starbuck... Boomer: I may as well get on that shuttle and go find Athena. Say, you came looking for me, what did you want? Reese: Awh, nothing important. See ya later at the O Club. There'll probably be a party for Apollo's safe return. Boomer: Right. See you there, if I've found Athena by then. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Salik say, "I doubt it would have killed him." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 109 Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 109 Scene: Life Center -- which is, amazingly, still intact after the most recent round of physicals. Tinia paces, wringing her hands. Dr. Salik enters from a private room. Salik: Siress Tinia... Tinia: (Rushing to him.) How is he? How's Commander Adama? Will he be all right? Is he dead? Salik: (Reassuringly.) No, no, he'll be just fine. None of the darts were poison-tipped or barbed, and we were able to remove them all with no problems. He may not want to sit down for the next few days, and he'll have to sleep on his stomach, but he'll be fine. Tinia: Thank the Lords of Kobol! After that daggit dragged us in there, and Belloby let fly that round of darts, and he threw himself in front of me to save me, I feared the worst! Salik: Considering his behavior around Belloby, I'm not sure that was intentional. But I doubt it would have killed him, Siress. Even coming from Belloby's hand. He's tougher than that. He's survived worse wounds than a few darts in the butt. Tinia: I know that's how you all see him, as the tough, strong, hardened warrior who's saved us all - but I've seen his tender, caring side. I know better. Salik: That would be the side Belloby hit? Tinia: Yes. Med tech Nova rushes in. Nova: Dr. Salik! Have you heard the news? Captain Apollo is returning! He'll be aboard in less than a centar! Tinia: That's wonderful news! We must tell Adama. He'll be so relieved to know his son is safely returned! Adama appears in the doorway of his private room, wearing a hospital gown. Adama: (Agonized.) Did you say Apollo was returning? Nova: Yes, that's what they've reported from the bridge! Adama: No, it can't be! Belloby and Cordelia are still on the Galactica! He mustn't return, not yet! Salik: Commander, you're just distraught from your recent brush with death...uh, darts. You need to rest. On your stomach. Adama: (Hollowly.) Death by darts... I would gladly endure it all again, to save my son... And yet now he flies back into the heart of danger...when I have tried so hard to send him to safety... Tinia: You know, Adama, you could order Apollo to active duty anywhere in the fleet. Why are you so concerned about this girl being on the Galactica? Send Apollo to the Electronics Ship. Put him in charge of the prison barge. Let him command the Orphan band. Adama: I tried to send Athena to another ship for her own safety - and she quit the service. Tinia: But she did leave the Galactica. According to my agent, she's now on the Rising Star, safely away from any effect of the House of Somers! Adama: This isn't your agent Ginger again, is it? Tinia: No, she had her chance. Besides, now Uri knows her. So we're using agent Jennifer. Adama: Agent Jennifer! I've never heard of her. Can she keep her eye on things? Tinia: She doesn't have to. The men can't keep their eyes off her! Salik: True...I saw her play Triad once, against a male team. In high heels. Most of the time she just stood there and breathed, while her partner handled the ball. Most lopsided match and highest ratings IFB ever had. Tinia: I remember. Her team won. So you see, Adama? Go ahead and reassign Apollo! So what if he resigns? It's only temporary! And I know he'll come back. He always comes back! If necessary, we can even assign Jennifer to guard him from Cordelia! Adama: Hmm... Salik: See, Adama? The situation isn't so bad. But for now, I'm prescribing bedrest. You can deal with Apollo when he gets back... Adama: Ah, Tinia, what would I do without you... (Puts his arms around her.) Uh, to advise me, of course, and to maintain the appropriate and open channels between the military and civilians... Salik: (Shaking his head.) Adama, Adama, who do you think you're fooling with that felgercarb? And Siress, just because that gown opens in the back doesn't mean that's how you give a man a physical exam. I'm the doctor here, not you. Tinia: You know, I did once consider a career in medicine...maybe it's time I brushed up on my anatomy. Adama: I wouldn't mind brushing up on that myself. They vanish into the private room and close the door. Salik: (Sighing.) At least I know he'll stay in bed... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 110 Date: Wed, 13 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 110 Scene: The landing bay, where a multitude has gathered to witness the safe return of the brave and heroic Captain Apollo. With Adama still in Life Center, Colonel Tigh is there to welcome him back, along with some of the bridge crew. Tigh: ETA, Rigel? Rigel: According to the bridge, five microns and closing, sir. We should be seeing the ship in about five microns. Tigh: I wish we didn't use the same term for time and distance measurements. CORA appears out of the stars visible beyond the bay entrance. She comes in for a perfect landing, smooth and easy. Then Cordelia rushes into the bay to join the crowd. Cordelia: My beloved sweet Apollo, has he landed yet? The Viper suddenly careens sideways, takes out half the left side landing lights as it barely misses Tigh and crew, turns itself around in a spectacular 180 by 180 (backwards and upside down), and screeches to a halt that has everyone running for cover and holding their ears. Head Tech: C'mon, people! Get that Viper turned right side up! Get a med team standing by! Get that pilot out of there! Fire control, be ready! Damage control, check the energizer lines and replace those lights! And get the painters out there to fix those scratches in the floor before the next scene! In a flurry of activity, technicians rush out to surround the Viper and start repairing the damage. Moments later, with six or seven techs rushing from one side, the Viper is righted, but still facing the wrong direction. The canopy opens, and Apollo stands up, taking off his helmet. He stares out through the bay entrance. Apollo: What happened to the rest of the bay? Was there a battle? What other damage was there? Tigh: Apollo! We're over here! You did a one-eighty! Apollo turns. Apollo: Oh, there you are! Hi, Colonel. Where's my father? I need to talk to him... Tigh: He's in Life Center at the moment- Apollo: Life Center! What happened? Oh, no, I should never have left... I should never have come back... This is what happens when I disobey orders... Apollo rushes past the gathered personnel and vanishes into the nearest turbolift. Cordelia runs after him. Cordelia: My sweet Apollo, I'm here! Welcome back! I'll see you later! Tigh: (Shaking his head.) If I hadn't see it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it... Rigel: Believe what? Tigh: Adama may be right about Belloby and Cordelia - did you see that landing? Rigel: It was hard to miss. I'm surprised he missed all of us! Tigh: True. We've got to find those mushies and get those women off the Galactica! Rigel: That may be harder than you think... Tigh: Why? Rigel: Siress Belloby just filed for a seat on the Council. Tigh: She couldn't have a chance of winning...could she? Rigel: She's already promised to do away with campaign advertising on IFB and end door to door soliciting for votes. Tigh: (Slowly.) On a platform like that she could actually win. (Contemplates.) Tinia lording it over the bridge and telling me what to do and showing up in the O Club with Adama... Or Belloby sending Adama and half the crew into hiding in panic while she chases the young male pilots and throws darts at the rest... There's got to be another option, there's got to be! Rigel: There's always Sire Melbrook, Sire Geller, and Sire Domra. Tigh: (Deep sigh.) We're doomed... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Salik say, "Mid-therapy is not a good time to interrupt somebody." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 111 Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 111 Scene: Life Center. Salik and Nova are reviewing daily reports when Apollo rushes in. Apollo: Dr. Salik! Where's my father? Is he all right? Salik: Welcome back, Captain. Yes, your father is just fine. Apollo: Where is he? I need to see him! Right now! Salik: You can't! Apollo: Why not? I thought you said he was all right? Salik: He is...but he's...undergoing therapy at the moment, and can't be disturbed. Apollo: But I thought I heard one of your med techs say that Siress Tinia was with him! Salik: Uh...yes...that's true... Apollo: So why can't I? Salik: Well...mid-therapy is not a good time to interrupt somebody. You'll have to wait. (Aside.) Adama would have my hide otherwise... Apollo: (Plaintively.) I came running all the way here from the landing bay, after nearly being killed in a Viper wipe-out... Salik: (Perking up.) A Viper wipe-out? Really? Well, then you absolutely have to be examined! Thoroughly! From head to toe. Externally and internally. I'm sure by the time you've been thoroughly examined, your father will be finished with his...therapy, and you'll be able to see him. Med tech Nova, please take Captain Apollo to Dr. Paye, and tell him the captain needs a thorough examination due to a crash landing. And I mean thorough. Nova: Yes, doctor. Salik: And by the way, considering how long you've been gone, you should have gone through decontamination. I'll bet you didn't, did you? Apollo: (Meekly.) No, I was so worried about my father that I didn't even think of it... Salik: Well, think of it now! And stop endangering the fleet by running off like this after every mission without decontaminating! How many times do we have to tell you pilots that? Who knows what you might have brought back from wherever you've been? Nova, make sure he goes through decontamination too. (Sighing deeply.) If it's not already too late. Apollo: I won't do it again... Salik: That's what you always say. Where have you been, anyway? Apollo: Uh...I've been- Salik: Never mind. Questions and debriefing can wait for Colonel Tigh. Get to that decontamination and examination. Nova? Nova: Right this way, Captain... Salik sighs with relief as Nova leads Apollo off to another chamber. Nova returns a few moments later. Nova: Dr. Salik, has anyone seen Dr. Quincy recently? Salik: Last I saw, after we finished the children's physicals, he was looking for Captain Columbo to deliver the autopsy report on Ganymede the couturier. Nova: He never arrived! Captain Columbo just called, he's been waiting centars for that report, and he never got it. Salik: Is Quincy still on duty? Nova: Yes, doctor, I checked. He should still be on duty for the next three centars. Salik: (Frowning.) I'll write him up for that. In the meantime, why don't you check Quincy's duty log, and call up the report from there. I know it won't have his signature, but I'll review the report and confirm it. Nobody can read my handwriting either. Nova: I already checked for the autopsy report. It's not in the computer! Salik: What? You mean Quincy didn't put it in the computer? That's against procedure. Nova: But he must have - there's a hardcopy file there, but it's empty, and all Dr. Quincy's notes are gone. And his personal computer log was open - it's as if someone deleted the report and took the file information, but didn't have time to do anything else. Salik: (Troubled.) I don't like the sound of that. Tell Captain Columbo - and call security. Nova: Yes, doctor. (Pausing and sniffing the air.) I think I smell fumarello smoke. Salik: Hmm, Adama must be finished with his...therapy. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Find that daggit!" Subject: Jolly Shrunk...uh, Forgot the Kids -- Episode 112 Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 "This is Newscaster Nessman, taking over for Newscaster Koppel, who seems to have been reassigned yet again to cover breaking events on the Prison Barge. What they're breaking, and why, we haven't figured out yet. But as soon as we have more information, you can be sure we'll pass it along here on IFB. In the meantime, we're passing along the sixteenth-secton episode of our ground-breaking series. Well, not exactly ground-breaking, as there isn't any ground in space. Not exactly asteroid-breaking either. Or comet-breaking...or ion-breaking, for that matter. Or vacuum-breaking... I guess you'll just have to take my word for it, then, won't you? Or else, judge for yourself, because here it is, our latest episode of Jolly Shrunk the kids...uh, no, Jolly Flunked the Kids...uh, Dunked the Kids?...Debunked the Kids?...Plunked the Kids?...Skunked the Kids?...or was it..." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 112 Scene: Life Center. Adama hobbles out of his room, leaning on Tinia's arm, joining Salik and Nova. Adama: Dr. Salik, I want Major Boyington and Dr. Wilker here, and I want them here now! Salik: Why? Adama: I have my reasons! Get them here! Salik: Nova, take care of it. Nova: Right, doctor. (She leaves.) Salik: Adama, now that we're alone, I can maybe understand you wanting to talk to Wilker, but why do you want Boyington here? I've never known you to call for Boyington. I didn't think you even knew his name. Adama: Salik, when Tinia and I were in the corridor outside the Officers' Club, and were trampled in the mad rush to escape Belloby's dart-throwing, something dragged us inside. That something...was a daggit. That daggit...was Boyington's. And I believe it was created for him by Wilker. Salik: Ooooohhh! Apollo enters from his room. Apollo: Father! Adama: Apollo! They hobble together for a quick hug, then just as quickly break away as Salik clears his throat. Apollo: I'm sorry, Father... Adama: I'm sure Dr. Salik won't tell anybody about that PDA, son. Apollo: No, I'm sorry for disobeying orders. I came back without finding Starbuck. I deserve the fullest extent of a military tribunal. (Starts taking off shirt.) I deserve to be punished. I deserve to be flogged. Adama: Apollo, we don't do that anymore. Keep your shirt on. Apollo: (Disappointed.) Oh. Audience: (Disappointed.) Oh. Nova and Boyington enter. Apollo sits down, looking depressed. Nova: I found Major Boyington, sir, but Wilker seems to have vanished. Adama: I expect Boyington can tell me what I need to know. Major, where did you get that daggit, and where is it now? Boyington: What daggit? Adama: The one that dragged me and Siress Tinia into the O Club and into the path of Belloby's darts! Boyington: I didn't see any daggit. Adama: I did. And so did Siress Tinia. Both of us saw it; it must have been there. Boyington: I think you must be mistaken, sir, there was no daggit in the O Club. Adama: You're concealing the daggit, aren't you? Boyington: No, sir, I'm not concealing a daggit. I would never do that. It's against standing orders. Adama: You have a history of defying authority and violating orders. Why would I believe you now? Apollo: (Jumping to his feet.) Father, when did you give any orders about standing? I'm sorry, did I violate orders again? Adama: Sit down, Apollo... No, wait. I have new orders for you, Apollo. Major Boyington says there is no daggit - but I know better. Somewhere on this ship, is a daggit. Somebody's hiding it. I want you to find that daggit! Apollo: But I violated orders, how can you give me a new assignment when I haven't been disciplined yet? Adama: Consider it a chance to redeem yourself. We'll discuss whatever you did, later. But finding that daggit should be discipline enough for anybody. Apollo: Thank you, Father. I won't let you down again. (Leaves.) Boyington: He won't find a daggit, sir. Adama: You don't know my son. Boyington: You don't know my daggit. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I need all the help I can get." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode...113 Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 113 Scene: The launch bay, where a number of technicians are working over various Vipers, including SAM and the mysteriously modified CORA. Among the Viper techs, making their special guest appearances, are Maggie and Vaughn. (Don't say you didn't ask for it... ;-) ) SAM: I see you've had a little work done since last I saw you. CORA: Yes, a little augmentation. Do you like it? SAM: Hard to miss, frankly. Your rear's almost twice as large as mine. CORA: I wish somebody would notice my mind and not my behind. But yes, I've got room to spare. Jealous? SAM: Why would I be jealous of an extra seat? You're never gonna fit in the launch tube now! CORA: Of course I'll fit. You don't think Wilker would have made these kind of modifications just for me without considering that, do you? He knows how to launch me! And now I'm the ideal quick passenger and rescue vessel. SAM: Hmph! If you had some of my upgrades, you'd be almost perfect, wouldn't you? CORA: If I had some of your upgrades, I'd be second grade! And when are you gonna get that muck out of your exhaust? That Dago-bah scent is Bah-humbug! SAM: Fossil. CORA: Swamp rat. SAM: Bimbo. CORA: Astrum. Tech Maggie: (Peering around the Vipers.) Is somebody here? Hmm, I could have sworn I heard voices... Tech Vaughn: (Peering around the other side of the Vipers.) Yeah, me, too... Clattering and pounding sounds echo through the bay. Both techs jump. Vaughn: What was that? Maggie: It came from over there! The Viper techs follow the sounds to a wall panel. Maggie: Sounds like somebody got trapped in the wall again. Vaughn: Yeah. I wish these guys would just use the corridors like everybody else. Pulling out their handy magnetic spanners...uh, couplers...uh, screwdrivers...well, tools of some sort, they unfasten the wall panel and pull it off. Starbuck: Help! (Falling out.) I'm saved, I'm saved! I'm out of the conduits! They can't get me any more! They've been chasing me for centars... Oh, thank the Lords of Kobol... I don't know what happened to Croft and Omega...lost them somewhere around that last turn... Ladies, you saved my life! You don't know how grateful I am... Maggie: Starbuck! You're alive! We heard you were mummified and we assumed the worst! Vaughn: We're so glad it's not true! Here, let me help you to a seat. Starbuck: Gee, thanks for the welcome, I was beginning to think I'd been forgotten. Maggie: You, forgotten? Vaughn: Never! Starbuck: You're both so sweet. Maggie: Let me get you a drink...water, caff, ambrosa? Vaughn: Let me dust you off...you've got something in your hair. Starbuck: Just your fingers, ladies...but I appreciate the help. Maggie: Let me get you a clean uniform. Vaughn: Let me help you change into that uniform. Maggie: Let us both help you out of this one. Starbuck: (Lovin' it.) I need all the help I can get. The two techs quickly guide the pilot away toward the Vipers. Behind them, unnoticed, an eerie growl echoes through the conduit, and for just a micron, a pair of glowing green eyes can be seen in the darkness. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I tell you, it was the Galactica ghost!" ------ Subject: Re: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode...113 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 From: BDconwayBCo@netscape.net (B. Conway) Sharon wrote: > Starbuck: You're both so sweet. > Maggie: Let me get you a drink...water, caff, ambrosa? > Vaughn: Let me dust you off...you've got something in your hair. > Starbuck: Just your fingers, ladies...but I appreciate the help. > Maggie: Let me get you a clean uniform. > Vaughn: Let me help you change into that uniform. > Maggie: Let us both help you out of this one. > Starbuck: (Lovin' it.) I need all the help I can get. Goodness me! Sharon, how did you get those two techs to cooperate long enough to write this scene? I was expecting a knock-down, drag 'em out fight to rival the one between Cassie and Sheba in yet another fine serial on this not-to-be-rivaled fanfic list! What restraint Techs Maggie and Vaughn must possess to be able to control themselves long enough to actually share Lieutenant Starbuck between them. So do we find him in disheveled little bits in a future episode and the two techs smiling in most self-satisfied fashions like the felines who caught the souris? Barb ------- Subject: Re: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode...113 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 From: "The Hutchisons" Believe it or not, but Viper Tech Vaughn and I are SOOOOOOOO devoted to a certain brash, impulsive, blue-eyed, gorgeous --oh, yeah, the point -- pilot that we willingly will SHARE him. And no commitments expected, just LOTS of fun! Viper tech Maggie ------- Subject: Re: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode...113 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 "All I ever needed to learn, I learned in kindergarten." Like, sharing? Like, he's got two arms, why shouldn't there be a woman under each one? Like, they can take shifts and one will always be abe to keep an eye on him? Thanks, Barb and Maggie -- now, who else is volunteering for a guest appearance? ;-) -- Sharon ------ Subject: Re: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode...113 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 From: Vaughnnie > Believe it or not, but Viper Tech Vaughn and I are SOOOOOOOO devoted to a certain brash, impulsive, blue-eyed, gorgeous --oh, yeah, the point -- pilot that we willingly will SHARE him. And no commitments expected, just LOTS of fun! < > Viper tech Maggie Boy do I have her conned! Hee hee hee...yeah, I'll share him, well, at least until I can get him alone! But until then I will share...honest...Hey Maggie, wait a minute...Maggie you're supposed to share! Hey, I get to run my fingers through his hair at least once or twice! Hey...I get to take his jacket off this time. MAGGIE!!!...It's my turn to gaze into his eyes... Share him OR ELSE!!! Oh poor Starbuck...there's just not enough of him to go around, and after Maggie and I get done, there will be even less! Viper Tech Vaughn ---------------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 114 Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 114 Scene: The briefing room of the Galactica, where Adama, Tigh, and Apollo are plotting the search for the Black Ovines' missing daggit. Adama: And then, son, you'll search the conduits throughout that level. There's no telling where Major Boyington may have hidden that daggit. Apollo: I'll search every conduit on this ship until I redeem myself in your eyes, Father. And I'll keep going until I've proven myself worthy to be called your son again, and to be a Colonial Warrior, 'til I've regained your faith me, and- Adama: Thank you, Apollo, I know you will. Now please, shut up and start searching. That daggit must be found, the sooner the better. Reese and Starbuck appear at the door. Reese: Commander! Colonel! Captain! We found Lieutenant Starbuck! Tigh: I didn't know we were looking for him. Adama: Starbuck! Where were you? You look as disheveled as if you'd spent centars crawling through the conduits of this ship and then spent more centars being taken care of by some of our Viper techs! Starbuck: Actually- Adama: (Holding up his hand.) I don't want to know. Apollo: I do! Which techs? Oh, wait, Cordelia wouldn't like that... Adama: (Sternly.) Apollo, remember your mission... Now, Starbuck, what happened? Starbuck: I was...somewhere else on the ship, where I may need to be able to go again some day, with...some other guys I may run into some day, when suddenly we were invaded by wild dire daggits and pursued into the conduits! We ran as fast as we could, we crawled as fast as we could, we slithered on our bellies as fast as we could - but they kept gaining on us! They had evil eyes and huge fangs and sharp claws and moved like shadows of the night! They were dire daggits! And they were after us! Apollo: In the conduits? Father, are those the same conduits you just told me to search for that missing daggit? Adama: Not those conduits, Apollo, the other conduits. Apollo: I'm glad we cleared that up. Tigh: But...there are no dire daggits. They became extinct millennia ago! Starbuck: Except for the pack on this battlestar! Adama: There are no dire daggits living on this battlestar! Starbuck: No, not living! But they're definitely here! I tell you, it was the Galactica ghost! Adama: There's no such thing as a Galactica ghost! Starbuck: Oh, yeah? Then what was that thing that chased me through the conduits for centars? That barked and growled and bayed and howled and yipped and yowled? That only paused long enough to tear apart Omega and Croft and that's why it didn't get me? Adama: Omega and Croft! Are you sure? Starbuck: I was there, I should know! Well, maybe not at that exact micron, but I'm sure that's what happened. Hmm, I guess I won't run into Omega and Croft again after all, will I? Adama and Apollo exchange troubled glances. Adama: Now I've gotta find somebody else to take over the Jolly and Cassie Ship... Tigh: Just as importantly, who are we going to stick with...uh, assign to making sure Siress Belloby's needs are met? Reese: I'm outta here... (Flees.) Starbuck: Me, too. But keep in mind, she's kissed me before, I've done my duty... (Also flees.) Apollo: Hmm, that would put me near Cordelia...but she probably wouldn't like it if I was meeting her aunt's needs... Could I be assigned to meet Cordelia's needs? Adama: No. Colonel, assign-- Tigh: Commander! I just got a message from Rigel! They've found the Black Ovines! Adama: Good! Where are they and how soon can they be here for questioning? Once I've got them under my steely gaze, they won't hold out for long. They're bound to tell me what I want to know... Tigh: No, they won't! Adama: What? Tigh: It seems they've all relocated to the Miri Feathers ship - and Commander Gabrielle has given them all sanctuary! Adama: She can't do that! The fleet's under martial law! I'm in charge, and I want them here! Tigh: Uh, technically, she can do that, sir. Since they deliberately left the Colonies to establish their own world, the Miri Feathers aren't really Colonials. Our martial law doesn't apply to them. The Black Ovines are out of reach - and their little daggit too, if I'm any judge of Boyington... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "She's got a point." -------- Subject: Re: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 114 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 >>Apollo: In the conduits? Father, are those the same conduits you just told me to search for that missing daggit?<< >>Adama: Not those conduits, Apollo, the other conduits. >I'm still laughing! why is Apollo soooo funny when he's so. . . uh . . dense? Oh, he's just...earnest...naive in certain ways...with a one-track mind at times...going in a circle... I blame it on the Cordelia Proximity Factor. -- Sharon Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 115 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 115 Scene: The briefing room of the Galactica, where Adama, Apollo, and Tigh still contemplate the search for the missing daggit. Adama: I don't care if Boyington and his squadron have gone to the Miri Feathers ship. We've got to find out what happened to that daggit. Apollo: What about the one that Starbuck saw? Adama: Uh, that was something else... Apollo: What was it? Adama: Never mind. Just find Boyington's daggit - if it's still on this ship - and find Wilker, so he never builds another one! I'm going to give him a piece of my mind... Apollo: Do you have some to spare? Adama glowers, but before he can respond, Gabrielle appears at the door, along with several of the Miri Feathers, all heavily armed with spears, blades, slings and arrows. Gabrielle: Never mind, Adama, Dr. Wilker's on our ship too. Adama: What?! Gabrielle: (Shrugging.) He said he needed a new lab, since he'd had bad luck with the last couple. Explosions, fire damage, smoke, floods- Adama: Floods? Gabrielle: Floods in space, weirdest thing - warriors who can't find their way around the inside of a toaster, much less a Cylon, that sort of thing. And since we have the parts and the technology, he said he'd be glad to help us set up our own squadron of Vipers. Tigh: That traitor! Adama: And Boyington is with you too? Gabrielle: (Grinning.) Yup. Adama: And his little daggit too? Gabrielle: Nope. No little daggit too. The men exchange glances. Tigh: Does that mean it's still aboard the Galactica? Adama: It must be... Gabrielle: Um-hm. That's why we're here. To help find it. Adama and Tigh exchange glances. Adama: What are going to do if you find it? Gabrielle: Take it off the ship. I mean, that's what you really want, isn't it? The daggit gone from the Galactica? So does it matter if it's on our ship, or disassembled into spare parts and the fur hanging on your wall like a trophy and the rest melted down for funky new Colonial awards and medals? Tigh: She's got a point, Adama! Apollo: (Eyeing the spears, blades, and arrows.) True. Several of them, in fact. Gabrielle: Besides, we can use the practice. We haven't been able to track anything since we left our planet! Adama: After what you've done in shielding the Black Ovines and Dr. Wilker from my wrath and the consequences of their daggit action, why should I let you help track it down? Gabrielle: (Grinning.) Have you got any better trackers on board? Tigh: She's got another point, Adama. Gabrielle: Will you quit looking at my chest? Adama: (Sighing.) For the good of the fleet, I'm going to take you up on your offer. Captain, you'll work with Commander Gabrielle on this assignment. Apollo: Awh, dad... Adama: (Sternly.) Apollo... Apollo: But I'm in charge, right? Gabrielle: Hey, it's your ship. Whatever. But you really think the Miri Feathers are going to listen to you if I tell them otherwise? Apollo: Well... Gabrielle: C'mon, Apollo, let's stop worrying about who's in charge and go find that daggit. Apollo sneezes, but nods and follows. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "This is where the daggit was last seen." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 116 Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 116 Scene: The O Club, scattered with the usual assortment of karaoke singers, peanut tossers, baharri guzzlers, ambrosa downers, vinya sippers, tailhook skimmers, card players, dart throwers, and general scum and villiany and the barflies that tend to congregate in places of scum and villainy. Enter Apollo, Gabrielle, and several Miri Feathers. The women are instantly the focus of slack-jawed attention from the guys and narrowed glares from the gals. Apollo: You're sure *achoo* this is where we should start? Gabrielle: Well, this is where your father said the daggit was last seen, for certain. Apollo: True. Gabrielle: So this is where we start tracking. Apollo: Makes sense. *Achoo!* Gabrielle: You really oughta see somebody about that sneeze. Apollo: (Manfully.) After I find the daggit as my father ordered, and redeem myself in his eyes. Tarlik, one of the pilots: (Sidling closer.) Say, uh, Apollo, old buddy, mind introducing me to your friends? Apollo: Get lost, Tarlik. Tarlik: Awh, come on, be a sport... Apollo: The last time *achoo!* I played sports with you, I would up with a black eye, two broken ribs, significant contusions and bruising, a sore little tootsie -- and we had to wear those stupid plaid Triad trunks! You think I'm gonna introduce you to Gabrielle and Sancroixa and Mississippia? No way! Tarlik: (Throwing his arm around Apollo's shoulder.) Hi, Gabrielle and Sancroix and Mississippia, glad to meet you. I'm Lt. Tarlik. Apollo and I go way back. We're buddies and everything and do all kinds of things together, like introduce each other to wonderful women, and you're certainly in that category - double-h for hubba-hubba. And by the way, I've got a couple tickets to a concert on the Rising Star, are any of you doing anything tonight? Mississippia: We're tracking daggits. (Looks him up and down.) Close...very close...but no fumarello. Apollo: *Achoo!* You heard the lady, Tarlik. Get lost. Sancroixa: (Studying her sling.) Yes, get lost - then we can track him down like a daggit and have a little target practice. Tarlik slinks away, looking mortally offended...well, gravely offended...make that seriously offended. Some guys just can't be killed no matter how much you'd like to. Gabrielle: You don't have any allergies, do you? Apollo: Not that I *achoo* know of... Gabrielle: I mean, the way you're sneezing. You know, if you're allergic to leather or feathers, I can always take 'em off... Men in bar: Yeah, yeah! Slurp, slobber, drool... Gabrielle: ...and change into something else, like my Sagittaran desert robes, which cover me from head to foot in layers and layers of fabric... Men in bar: Awh... Gabrielle: ...until all that's left showing are my eyes and my hands, almost like a modified ancient kobolian mummy, which is supposedly what the Sagittarans modeled the outfit after. They tried to hold on to the old customs longer than any of the other Colonists, and they considered their world to be the closest in climate to that of old Kobol, you see, and if it was good enough for the ancient Kobolians... Pilot #1: Forget it. Pilot #2: Who cares about history? Pilot #3: *Snore...* Suddenly, there is a loud crash; a ceiling panel shatters; a large form drops from the ceiling directly onto a table, tipping it over and sending drinks, cards, and pretzels flying. Pilot #1: Flying furniture, flying drinks, flying cards, flying pretzels, flying body! Pilot #2: This can only mean one thing! Pilot #3: It's a brawl, it's a brawl! The bar immediately breaks into a full-fledged, old-fashioned, fists a'flyin', western saloon style...brawl. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Who is that flying body, anyway?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 117 Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 117 Scene: The O Club, which has just had an unexpected arrival from above, and broken into a brawl of truly Gunsmoky, Bonanzan, and Shanghai Noonish stature. Apollo: Wait! Stop your brawling! *Achoo!* Who is that flying body, anyway? Croft: (Staggering out from behind the fallen table, wild-eyed.) It was the daggit, it was the daggit! Apollo: What? The daggit, you say? Croft: Daggit. Daggit... Apollo: The daggit's in the conduits? Croft: (Nodding vigorously.) Daggit. Conduits. Gabrielle: So what are we waiting for? Let's go! Miri Feathers, come on! The three women quickly replace the table, set some chairs on top, secure all weapons, and hop into the conduits, vanishing from sight. Men in bar: Awh... Apollo: (Looking up dubiously.) Say, *achoo* didn't Starbuck say the ghost daggits were in the conduits? Croft: (Nodding again.) Ghosts. Daggits. Conduits. Apollo: He said the daggits tore you to pieces. How come you're here if you've been torn to pieces? Croft: Pieces. Omega. Daggits. Apollo: The daggits got Omega? Croft: Daggits. Omega. Apollo: They didn't get you? *Achoo* But Starbuck said- Pilot #1: (Swatting Apollo.) Will you quit asking stupid questions? Pilot #2: (Swatting Croft.) And will you start answering with real sentences that make sense? Croft: (Annoyed.) Now cut that out! All right, if you want the short, quick version... Starbuck, Omega, and I were hiding out in the hidden, secret depths of the Galactica. So was Boomer, for a while, but he went hunting for Athena. Something started howling at us. We decided discretion was the better part of staying alive, so we stopped dancing and left our hide-out. We spent a couple centars making our way through the conduits and corridors, being constantly pursued by the mysterious baying and sound of multitudes of padded footsteps. Apollo: Starbuck told us about that, yes. Croft: Then we started seeing eyes. We started going faster. The eyes got closer. We'd about had it with the eyes. Pilot #1: Isn't it usually the eyes that have it? Pilot #2: (Swatting Pilot #1.) That's the ayes, you idiot. Pilot #1: Hey, cut that out! Apollo: Now you know how I feel. *Achoo.* Keep going, Croft. Croft: We did. We finally split up, hoping at least one of us would make it back to civilization. Well, splitting up wasn't the initial plan. Starbuck said he was going to go for help, and left us. The last I saw of Starbuck was his backside heading head-first down a slide in the corridor. Apollo: *Achoo.* That's not quite the way Starbuck told it. What about Omega? Croft: He started throwing pieces of leftover popcorn behind us, hoping they would delay the ghost daggits. Pilot #1: Do daggits eat popcorn? Pilot #2: Do ghosts eat popcorn? Pilot #3: Where'd they get popcorn? Others in room: Shut up! Croft: Anyway, we finally split up, deciding that it wasn't such a bad idea after all. I haven't seen him since. Apollo: But you saw the ghost daggits in the conduits. Croft: Yup. Apollo: The ones the Miri Feathers just headed into. Croft: Yup. Everyone in the room looks up at the hole in the ceiling as mysterious, unintelligible screams suddenly echo forth from somewhere in the conduits. Apollo: I suppose I should investigate... Apollo and Croft: (Exchanging glances.) Nah... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Rigel say, "Will you quit bleeding on me?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 118 Date: Thu, 21 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 118 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where Adama and Tigh are back on duty. Tigh: Do you think they'll succeed, sir? In finding Boyington's daggit? Adama: I have faith in my son, Tigh. Rigel: Tigh's your son? Adama: No, I mean, Colonel Tigh, I have faith in my son Apollo. Rigel: Oh. A ceiling panel suddenly comes crashing down, followed by a body, which lands on Tiki. Omega sits up, looking dazed. Tigh: What the- Omega: I'm...on the bridge... That's my chair. That's my console. That's my commander. That's my colonel. That's my...hey, who are you? Tiki: I'm Tiki! I'm your replacement. Get off me! Omega: Hey, nobody replaces me! Tiki: Oh, yeah? Omega: Yeah! Tiki: Well, I did, so there. Now get off me! Omega: Not until you say you didn't replace me! Tiki: But the Colonel said- Omega starts bouncing on the ceiling panel, which is what Tiki is under. Tiki: All right! *Gasp.* Nobody can replace you! Omega: That's right. (Gets off the panel and walks over to Adama and Tigh, dabbing at the blood on his chin.) Sirs, I'm reporting for duty again. Tigh: And where have you been? You were supposed to be providing...escort duty for Siress Belloby! Omega: Uh...she went out for fumarettes, and when she didn't come back. I went looking for her. (Blood continues to flow and starts dripping.) Tigh: You've been missing for days. Omega: She can be a very difficult woman to find. (His chin is quite smeared by now.) Tigh: Save it, Omega. Starbuck told us where you were. Do you know what's been happening? Omega: Absolutely. I've read all the reports. (Blood starts dripping.) Tigh: You're a flight officer. How did you get all the reports? Omega: Uh...that's classified, sir. (Rigel starts noticing blood dripping into her elaborately coiffed braids.) Adama: Never mind that for now, Tigh. Starbuck reported you were dead, that you'd been torn to pieces by ghost daggits. Omega: And I almost was, too. But I managed to lose them in the s-curves. Turns out spectral daggits aren't very flexible. Rigel: (Shouting.) Will you quit bleeding on me? I paid sixty cubits for this hair-do! Adama: Are the spectral dire daggits responsible for that wound, Omega? And stop bleeding on Rigel. Omega: No, sir. I mean, yes, sir. Adama: No, the daggits aren't responsible, or no, you're not going to stop bleeding? Tigh: Yes, the daggits are responsible, or yes, you're going to stop bleeding? Omega: Uh...I'm confused, sir. It must've been the fall... Adama: True, true, we've been awfully hard on you, considering you've just been hiding out in the depths of the ship for days, been pursued by ghostly dire daggits through a maze of conduits and corridors, and dropped through a ceiling panel onto one of your fellow officers, and been yelled at for bleeding on Rigel's hair. I think you'd better report to Life Center immediately. Omega: Yes, sir. Tigh: In the meantime, Tiki, would you please replace flight officer Omega? And Rigel, why don't you go wash that gunk out of your hair before it clots? Rigel: Yes, sir. Tiki: (Who has finally crawled out from under the ceiling panel.) But I got squished when he dropped on me! And I think there's a drop of blood on me somewhere too. Don't I get to go to Life Center and clean up? Tigh: But then who'd be on duty? Somebody's gotta be on duty. As Omega and Rigel leave the bridge, three Miri Feathers warriors enter, leather, feathers, spears and all, intently staring at the decking. Adama: What are you doing here? Avona, one of the Miri Feathers: We're on the path of the elusive Boyington daggit, the most mysterious and endangered of the entire daggit species. Now if you'll excuse us, Adama... The three women circle the bridge, studying everything, then leave through the side entrance. Tigh: Commander, when was Boyington's daggit ever on the bridge? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Journalator Nessman say, "What are you doing here?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 119 Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 "This is journalator Nessman, here with the latest update on the news in the fleet. First of all, we have reached the seventeenth secton of the fleet's longest running space soap serial, and we now have two tracks of programming. We're also running episodes of the Starbuck/Sheba Challenge and the saga of the mysterious lost Moonbase Alpha and how our brave commander and crew are dealing with it - and they with us. We know you're enjoying that. In addition... Enter three Miri Feathers from stage right, spears at the ready, stealthily creeping behind the journalator. Nessman: Hey! What are you doing here? This is supposed to be a closed set! Nilea, one of the Miri Feathers: Ssss! Be vewy, vewy quiet. We awe hunting daggits! Nessman: (Wide-eyed) Ooooh! The women exit stage left. Nessman: (Turning back to the camera, blinking.) Uh, th-th-that's all, folks...except for- "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 119 Scene: Life Center. Salik is at a computer console, studying the complete reports of the last few days; Nova hovers nearby to offer assistance. Salik: There's got to be something here, there's got to be. Whoever's responsible for Dr. Quincy's disappearance can't have completely erased all his data... Nova: What if it is all gone? Salik: We'll have to do another autopsy. Nova: Ewh, I hate doing autopsies! Salik: We may not have any choice. Omega enters, dripping all the way. Omega: Doctor! I've been injured! I need help! Salik: (Looking relieved.) I'll be right there. Nova, you'll have to- Nova: Already on Omega, doctor, don't let us interrupt you... Omega: Get off me! I need a doctor! Salik: Nova, go tell Dr. Paye to prepare to perform an autopsy. You'll assist, of course. I'll take care of Omega. Now get off him. Nova: Oh, pooh. I never get to have any fun. Salik: Now, now, Nova, you know that poohs, like daggits, aren't allowed on the Galactica by order of Commander Adama. All right, Omega, what seems to be the problem? And could you please stop dripping on the floor? Omega: Uh, that is the problem. Salik: Oh. Well, let's take care of it. There is a sound in the ceiling above them; suddenly, a panel collapses and somebody, twined and wrapped like a mummified kobolian, drops into Life Center in front of them. Salik: Lords of Kobol, it's a mummified kobolian! Omega: It's moving! Starbuck, is that you again? Form: (Mumbling.) Wtheevispins...* ("I'm a doctor and you're gonna be dead," in mummified kobolian.) Salik and Omega untwine the person - it's Dr. Quincy. Salik: Quincy, what where you doing in the conduits in the ceiling? Quincy: I didn't! Somebody grabbed me. I never saw who! The next thing I knew, I was twined like a mummified kobolian and being carried somewhere! When I get my hands on whoever did this to me... Omega: We've got to tell Commander Adama. And Captain Columbo. Salik: Your report is missing, Quincy! On your autopsy of Ganymede. They erased it off your computer, and your notes are gone. Fortunately, you can now tell the Commander and the Captain personally... Quincy: (Looking blank.) But...I don't remember... Salik: You don't remember how Ganymede the couturier was killed? Quincy: I...I must have bumped my head somewhere in the conduits... Salik: There, there, it'll be fine. You can just redo the autopsy. I'm sure it'll all come back to you. Nova: (Rushing in and shrieking.) Doctor! The body is missing! Ganymede is gone! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Good thing we found a bed to break our fall." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 120 Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 120 Scene: A corridor of the Galactica, where Cordelia is wandering, blissfully unaware of all that's going on around her. She carries a flower with hundreds of petals, and is slowly picking them... Cordelia: He loves me truly... (Drops a petal with a smile and satisfied sigh.) He loves me not... (Drops a petal with a deep, sad sigh.) He loves me deeply... (Drops a petal with a smile and satisfied sigh.) He loves me not. (Drops a petal with a deep, sad sigh.) He loves me madly... (Drops a petal with a smile and satisfied sigh, then suddenly falls against the corridor wall, looking dizzy.) Passing crewman: (Concerned.) Siress, are you all right? Should I call a med tech for you? Cordelia: Oh, dear...it's happening again... No, I don't need a med tech. I'm fine, really, don't worry. Auntie Belloby warned me that too much sighing would make me lightheaded. But how can I not sigh when I contemplate my dear sweet beloved Apollo? Passing crewman: Was that lightheaded, or empty-headed? Cordelia: Umm, I forget. Aren't they the same? Passing crewman: Uh...yeah... If you're sure you'll all right... (Quickly leaves.) Cordelia: That's the third time this has happened. (Looking at her flower.) And I'm not even half done with the petals! How will I ever know if Apollo truly loves me? Apollo: (Appearing around the corner.) Cordelia! Cordelia: My dear sweet beloved Apollo! (Runs toward him.) The two of reach each other, fall into each other's arms - and fall. The floor panel beneath them collapses, and they drop out of sight... Scene: Pilot's individual quarters, only available to senior officers and crewmen for whom private quarters are necessary for advancement of the plot. The ceiling panel collapses onto the bed, followed by two people, Apollo and Cordelia. Apollo: Whoah! Good thing we found a bed to break our fall! Cordelia: (Bashfully.) Now, Apollo, you know my auntie Belloby wouldn't approve of us being in bed together before our sealing. Apollo: I know, and I respect that. *Achoo!* Here, let me help you out of bed. Sheba comes out of the turboflush, wrapped in a towel, still dripping from the turboshower. She sees them and shrieks. Sheba: What are you doing in my bed with another woman? Apollo: Hi, Sheba. Uh, sorry, we just dropped in... Sheba: And decided to use my bed?!? Apollo, how callous! How cruel! You had to know I was in the turboshower. You had to see my clothes laying around. You did this on purpose! You're just trying to rub my nose in your new relationship and my current lack of one! Cordelia: No, no, really, we just dropped in! Just microns ago! Sheba: And you didn't even call ahead to ask if I wanted company! Cordelia: (Tearing up.) Oh, no. Apollo: Now look what you did, Sheba, *achoo!* you made Cordelia cry! Meanie! Cordelia: No, it wasn't that, I crushed my flower. See? Now I'll never know if Apollo loves me! (All the poor petals are scattered on Sheba's bed and floor.) Sheba: And you made a mess, too! Get out! No more dropping in, ever! You're not welcome here any more, Apollo, and she never was! And will you quite sneezing? Apollo: But, Sheba, look at the ceiling - *achoo* - we didn't mean to- The Somers Proximity Factor strikes again. As Apollo tries to apologize, he trips over the flower stem, grabs at anything he can to catch himself - and snags Sheba's towel. She yelps in absolute outrage, racing back for the turboshower in the altogether, as Apollo fumbles his way out of the towel, which naturally fell on his face and wrapped itself around his head. Cordelia: Sheba, we're so sorry, let me get you some clothes... Cordelia grabs the outfit Sheba had laying out on the bed (now somewhat rumpled), and follows Sheba. She stumbles over Apollo's fallen body, and winds up sprawled on the floor, crumpling Sheba's outfit, catching the hem on one of Apollo's boots and ripping it, and ending up with much of the rest of the dress in the puddle of water that dripped while Sheba was standing there. Cordelia: (Holding up the soaked, damaged dress, which was once a Ganymede original.) Oh, dear, I think it got wet... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "Aren't you supposed to be somewhere, Apollo?" ~ ~ ~ Adama steps forward: Now, as you all know by now, the writer will be gone for the next week, but fear not, you will not be left bereft... -- Sharon Subject: Jolly Killed The Kids - Ep. 121 Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2001 Ops!! That's suppose to be 'forgot' right?? Well, since I am Sharon's Administrative Assistant in the real world, I am now serving in that capacity while she is out of town soaking up the sun at the lake. Now *I'M* in charge of the disk!!! Oh what *I* can do now!!! And after 2 days at Randy's mother's farm with no water and no sewer!!!! Which means the bathroom is in the bushes!!! Of course SoS spent two days trying to help *fix* it!! But I have the disk!! Oh what havoc I can wreak!!!!!!! Now we shall continue with the next spellbinding chapter of Jolly, I forgot the Kids. No, wait, Jolly I shrunk the kids...no, I blew up the baby?? No that was Disney. Well, you know what it is, says Starbuck's social secretary. (Eat your hearts out Vaughnie and Maggie!!!!!) Lady Rae, running with the disk and scissors... ******************************* "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 121 Scene: Sheba's quarters, where Sheba has just bolted for the turbowash after losing her towel. Apollo has that wet sopping towel wrapped around his head, and Cordelia is sprawled across Apollo and the floor, clutching a torn, wet, crumpled Ganymede original gown. Apollo: (Finally wrestling his way clear of the towel.) So that's how a kobolian mummy feels! I don't think I like it! *Achoooo!* Cordelia: Oh, Apollo, I'm sorry I fell on you... (Begins to wipe Apollo's face with the remains of the dress.) Apollo: No problem, Cordelia. I'm happy I was able to break your fall... *Achoo!* Thanks for the handkerchief... Sheba: (From turboshower.) Aren't you supposed to be somewhere, Apollo? Somewhere other than in my quarters with another woman? Apollo: Oh, that's right. I've gotta finish tracking down Boyington's daggit. *Achoo* But first I'll have to find Commander Gabrielle, wherever she and her warriors have gone. Cordelia: Oooh, that sounds dangerous! Apollo: No, she may carry a sharp spear, but she's not dangerous to us. It's not like she bites or anything. Cordelia: No, I mean the daggit! Apollo: I don't think it bites, either...although Wilker could have made some modifications. After all, thinking about it, Muffy did bite Cylons... *Achoo!* Sheba: (Reappearing, wrapped in another towel.) So why don't you get back to your duty and find that daggit and get out of my quarters? Apollo: Come to think of it, Sheba, aren't you supposed to be somewhere carrying out your duty, tracking down Belloby's mushies? Sheba: Well, it's kinda hard to get dressed when there are a pair of strangers lying on your bedroom floor! Apollo: We're not strangers! And you're supposed to be mushie-hunting! You shouldn't have been here at all! *Achoo!* You're being derelict in your duty! Sheba: You take that back! Besides, look who's talking, you sneezing daggit non-tracker! Cordelia: You're the one who's tracking down my Aunt Belloby's mushies? Wonderful! Are you having any luck? She's so looking forward to those mushies being found. Sheba: No, I'm not having any luck. Because people keep getting in my way and saying and doing stupid things! Apollo: What's that supposed to mean? Sheba: Like I really need to explain to you how stupid it is to drop in on me like this without calling first? And like I have to explain why I need time to recover when people tell me dreadful lies about my father being back when he's not? Cordelia: That's terrible! Apollo, did you do that? Apollo: I never said Cain was back when he wasn't! Cordelia: See, Sheba? Apollo didn't do that. He couldn't do that. He's too sweet and kind and wonderful. And he's not going to get in the way of you finding Aunt Belloby's mushies, either, because he wouldn't do that. So you can go ahead and find the mushies. And when you do, my aunt and I can move back to our home on the other ship, and... Apollo: Wait a centon - if Sheba finds the mushies, you have to leave the Galactica? Cordelia: Well...yes, I think so... Apollo: Sheba, I take it all back. Don't hurry in finding those mushies on my account. *Achoo.* You certainly need time to get over a crisis like this. In fact, I think you should take at least several more days. Maybe you should even take a furlon - get away from it all, forget it all. Maybe even forget it forever. *Achoo.* Don't do anything that would result in Cordelia having to leave the Galactica. Cordelia: Apollo, you'd do that for me? Have one of your pilots disobey orders to keep me here? Oh, you must really love me! Apollo: Madly, deeply, truly - I'd do anything... Sheba: I hate to interrupt this moment, but is that my dress? My Ganymede original, that you're using as a floor wipe and kleenex? Cordelia: (Apologetically.) Oops... Sheba: (Flings herself to floor and gathers ruins of dress to herself.) My...my Ganymede original... The only one I had in my closet. My favorite, my newest, my most wonderful...and now he's dead, there'll never be another... Cordelia: (Distressed.) Oh, I know exactly how you feel! If I lost any of my Ganymede gowns, I'd be...I'd be devastated! Wait! I have an idea! Sheba, I feel so terrible about using your gown for a mop, how about if you come over to my quarters, and pick out something from my closet, a Ganymede original to take the place of this old thing, anything you like... Sheba: (Stopping sobbing.) You have Ganymede originals? Cordelia: Dozens of them. Sheba: And I can have any one I want? Cordelia: Sure! Two of them, if you like! I know you and Apollo used to be close. I do want us to be friends. Sheba grabs Cordelia's hand and pulls her to her feet, heading for the door, which has only just been repaired from the slamming she gave it back in episode 90. The sopping ruins of the gown splatter onto Apollo's face as Sheba negligently tosses it away. Fortunately, Sheba hangs onto her towel this time. Apollo: Hey! *Sniffle.* Was that really necessary? Sheba: Friends it is. Let's go, kiddo. No time like the present - and I love presents. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can borrow today. Oh, Apollo? Take your time getting up - but be gone by the time I get back. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Paye say, "But the guy said he was family!" Subject: The Continuing St-or-y - Jolly did something... Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2001 And now, back to our st-or-y: "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 122 Scene: Life Center. Security is running around; Salik and Quincy are going over their computer records. Nova is trying to be everywhere at once. Captain Columbo, cheap trenchcoat, cheap fumarello, and all, is questioning Dr. Paye. Columbo: So let me get this straight. You let some guy -- a complete stranger -- walk in here, give you a sob story, and walk out with the corpse. Is that what happened? Paye: But the guy said he was family! How was I supposed to know? Columbo: Well, the fact that Ganymede was Caprican and this guy was Scorpian should have a been a tip off that they weren't even in the same tribe. Paye: Well...they coulda been half-brothers... Columbo: (Waving his fumarello.) Possible. But not too likely, you have to admit. And definitely worth investigating before you released the body. Paye: (Wringing hands together and looking ready to cry.) Well...yeah... It's just...it's just that so few of us have any family left, when this guy came in... Columbo: (Putting a comforting hand on Paye's shoulder.) You thought what you would feel like, in Ganymede's situation, and how you'd want a brother to come claim you, even though you weren't here to even know about it. Paye: Well, I never had a brother, but I did have a sister, and...yeah, that's about it. Columbo: I understand completely, doctor, and I don't hold it against you. But if Dr. Quincy doesn't regain his memory, you understand the disappearance of the corpse could wind up a very significant issue - and the fact that you had a hand in the disappearance, wittingly or not, looks bad. Paye turns green, coughs at the smoke from Columbo's fumarello, then faints. Columbo: (Looking around.) Could someone help this man to a bed, please? Several security rush to the rescue and pick up Paye from the floor, to carry him to a life pod. Salik and Nova rush over to see what's going on. Meanwhile, Commander Adama walks in to check on Columbo's progress in the investigation. Salik: Sorry, Captain - Paye hates cheap fumarellos. Adama: Any progress, Columbo? Columbo: Not yet, sir. (Cocks his head.) Did you just see something unusual, Commander? Adama: How did you guess? Columbo: (Self-deprecatingly.) A little something I've learned over the yahrens. What did you see? Adama: Believe it or not, and I find it hard to believe, I just saw Sheba running around in a towel. Salik: Sheba, in a towel? Now why would she do that? Nova: A lot of women feel that way, now that Ganymede's gone, that they might just as well run around in a towel... Columbo: Do you feel that way, Med Tech Nova? Nova: Me? No, I'm just a med tech, when do I have a change to dress up? And I wear a uniform all the time, I don't really need anything fancy like a Ganymede gown. Columbo: So you don't mind that he's dead, do you? Nova: (Freezing and going pale - that's what happens when you feeze.) That's not what I said! I'm a med tech, of course I care that he's dead! I didn't do it! I didn't do it! (Runs out.) Three Miri Feathers warriors, half-dressed but fully armed, enter Life Center, and begin a sweep of the room. Columbo: I suppose you're reacting to Ganymede's death too? Thamesa, one of the Miri Feathers: Who? Columbo: Ganymede, the couturier. (Pause.) The dead dressmaker. (Pause.) The one whose body disappeared from here this very afternoon while the doctor who performed his autopsy was lying unconscious in a conduit, twined like a kobolian mummy, suffering from a minor case of amnesia. Thamesa: Amnesia... I heard of her. Didn't Captain Apollo date her on Terra? Columbo: No, it's a loss of memory. What about Ganymede? Thamesa: Never heard of him. Now if you'll excuse me, we have a daggit to find. The Miri Feathers leave Life Center. Columbo: (Scratching the side of his head.) Imagine that, a red-blooded human woman who hasn't heard of Ganymede of Couturiers of Caprica. Now I think I've seen everything. Adama: Not quite everything. You didn't see Sheba drop her towel. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "I knew there was a risk, and it was a risk I wasn't prepared to take." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids 123 Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 123 Scene: Life Center. Columbo, Salik, and Adama stand in the midst of barely organized chaos, talking. Columbo is smoking or chewing on his fumarello - again, still, some more. Adama: (Coughing.) Excuse me, Captain, would you mind not blowing that smoke in my direction? I can't stand the stuff, makes my eyes water and my lungs burn and makes my uniform smell like I've been wearing it for a secton. Columbo: That's just because these are cheap fumarellos, not the good mummified kobolians. But speaking of wearing and not wearing, where are Ganymede's effects and apparel? Did Paye give that to the complete stranger too? Salik: Uh, I'm afraid so. Columbo: Hmm. Say, doc, do you happen to recall that trim around the cloak he was wearing? Salik: Umm...yes, it was rather memorable - fur of some kind. Adama: Fur? Salik: Yes. Dyed a deep glossy black, I believe. Long strips of it, interspersed with rows of hera's-eye tail feathers. Columbo: That's the way I remember it, too. Adama: Fur? Columbo: That's what the man said. Does that have some special meaning to you, Commander? Adama: Fur? No, why would fur have special meaning to me? What kind of fur was it, Salik? Salik: I'm not really sure. I assume it's a synthetic daggit fur - the same kind we used on Muffey, only longer and glossier. Adama: Daggit fur... Columbo: Commander, I hope you'll pardon my saying so, but you're certainly reacting as if this fur has some particular personal significance to you. Adama steps forward for an aside soliloquy. The lights go down, except for one shining directly on the troubled Commander of the Galactica. Background music is low, haunting, and majestic, appropriate for a commander's soliloquy. Adama: Daggit fur. After all this time, why did it have to be daggit fur? I made sure we didn't bring any daggits with us when we evacuated the Colonies. I knew there was a risk if we did, and it was a risk I wasn't prepared to take, even though it meant no child of the Colonies would ever again have a daggit for a pet. Even though I knew I'd be challenged about bringing ovines and porcines and bovines and avines and other Colonial fowl and animals, and not bringing daggits. Adama: (Continuing.) There was nothing I could do about my son having Wilker make a daggit for his son, except order Wilker never to create another one, on threat of being spaced. It was already too late, then. Wouldn't have been a great loss, anyway, if anything had happened to Muffey, and we did finally get rid of the kid after all. Adama: (Still.) But it had to be daggit fur... Who else but Ganymede would wear daggit fur? Who else would want to? Who else could get away with it? And he was wearing it the day he was terminated... Could it have been...them? Was it murder, or vengeance from beyond the Pyramid? Adama: (Yet again...) Maybe it's been a mistake, to conceal the terrible history of the Galactica ghosts and the pack of spectral dire daggits that have pursued those poor souls through the depths of this battlestar for the last five hundred yahrens. It's what every commander has done for that five hundred yahrens, passing the information along directly from one commander to the next, but... Have I been derelict in my duty to the men and women in my command? Should I have been more open about the history of this ship to protect the people who now depend upon her for their safety? Is it time to change? To open the archives of all that's happened? Adama: (Yawn.) And yet, can it be to their benefit to know all the secrets, not just of the spectral dire daggits and the history of Neit, Lupercus, and Anubis, but also of- The camera crashes over, and we are suddenly viewing Adama sideways. Adama: Hey, get up, videolater, I'm doing a soliloquy on deeply emotional and dramatic issues relevant to the survival of the fleet here! Videolator: Uh, sorry, I was falling asleep... Do you think maybe we should be getting back to the episode? Adama: This is most of the episode. Videolator: Oh. Adama: Well, you've broken my concentration now. We might as well get on with it... Adama steps back into his previous position, the lights come up, the commander's soliloquy music gives way to the normal soundtrack. Adama: Daggit fur? No, why would daggit fur mean anything to me? Other than how unusual it is to find anyone from the Colonies wearing fur, in this day and age...and something resembling daggit fur at that. Unusual, very unusual. How did you say Ganymede was terminated? Columbo: That's the thing, the autopsy report is gone, the body has vanished, and the man who performed the autopsy has partial amnesia. We have no way of knowing how he died. Adama: We have to find that body... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama ask, "Shouldn't you be with the Miri Feathers, hunting the elusive Boyington daggit?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 124 Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2001 Like sand through the colonial hourglass, so too are the days that Jolly forgot those #@#!#$*&*+_()$%^@** kids!!! Now look-ee here!!!! How *irresponsible* can one fully grown, overweight man be?!?!? How could a man his size be overrun by a bunch of kids??? Let me tell you, in *my* day, we would *never* let our youngsters run loose like this man has!!! My husband, Lords rest his soul, would have *never* for one micron turned his back on our 22 kids!! No sir-ree!! He would have stood there, firmly and made those kids march to his tune, let me tell you!! He would have had a switch in hand and made those youngins mind him, make no never mind about that! Now this upstart Colonial Warrior, suppose to be trained in discipline and order, is letting these kids run amok through this fleet and get into all kinds of mischief! And he's a sargent, no less, and is letting a bunch of hooligans create havoc in this fleet. *WELL*!!! That would have never happened in *my* day. My mother worked her fingers to the bone to keep us children in line. Trudging over 100 metrons uphill, in a blinding snowstorm, with holes in her shoes, the only protection from the cold she had was a threadbare shaw draped over her thin shoulders, as she took us in an orderly fashion to school. What is this world coming to? Next thing you know, these upstart youngins are going to overthrow Adama and be in command of the Galactica. I can just see it now, children flying vipers, defending us from the Cylons. Oy Vy!! Yes, madam, I'm sure we would all *love* to hear about your views on order, discipline and child-rearing, but we do have a show to do. So *GET* *OFF* *MY* *SHOW*!!! Now, as I was saying. It is time for another thrilling episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids." I am your guest host, Sire Geeiwishihadabetterjobthatpaidmorethanthiscrap and am filling in this secton. The vacationing Siress Sharonwhothinksthatshecanenjoysomevacationisoutofhermind of Maplewood on the colony of Canceria, who was taken away last week screaming out of control in that strait-jacket is making a full reovery and will return from the next secton to assume her usual role as Chief Trouble-maker and Havoc-wreaker. I'm also happy to report that the eight orderlys that tried in vain to restrain her are also making a full recovery. Now on with our show... (Okay gang, I got to have *some* fun at 5:30 in the morning, perspiring with no a/c with more over 90 degree temps expected today. The heat made me do it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!! -- Lady Rae) "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 124 Scene: Still in Life Center. There are sudden sounds from above, and everyone looks up. Gabrielle: (Dropping in lithely from the hole in the ceiling.) Hi, everybody. Adama: Commander Gabrielle! What are you doing up there? Gabrielle: Hunting daggits, of course. Didn't Apollo tell you we'd gone into the conduits? Adama: (Looking up as Sancroixa and Mississippia drop down to join Gabrielle.) Isn't Apollo with you? Gabrielle: No, he didn't follow us. I assumed he'd gone to update you on the search. Adama: He seems to have...overlooked that detail... Gabrielle: I'm sure he'll get around to it. Adama: I'm sure. So how is the hunt progressing? Gabrielle: (Sort of embarrassed.) Well, so far we haven't found any daggits - but we think we accidentally hit somebody with an arrow. It's amazing how many people are crawling around in those conduits! Adama: You think you hit somebody...? (Closes eyes and sighs deeply.) Was it serious? Gabrielle: I didn't catch his name; he kept on going. Adama: At least there's that... Have you given up on searching the conduits? Gabrielle: Nah, we just we'd drop in for a quick snack and then head back up. We haven't had a challenge like this in ages! I mean, even when we had Cylons land on our planet and try to take over everything and wipe us out, the kids thought it was all a big game and took 'em out before we had a chance to practice tracking. (Shrugs cheerfully.) Kids. What can you do? Adama: True... Gabrielle: Let's go, Sancroixa, Mississippia. If I remember my map, there's a mess hall not far from here. We can grab some lunch, fill up our water jugs, and resume the glorious hunt for the Boyington daggit! The other Miri Feathers react with cheers and start dancing around, spears held high. Staff and security start ducking aside. Salik: Hold it! This is Life Center! We're here to save people, not stab them! Gabrielle: Uh, sorry, doctor. We tend to get a little carried away at times. Let's go, warriors... More subdued, or at least carrying their spears set on "safety," the three Miri Feathers warriors head out of life center. As they do, Apollo comes in. Adama: Captain! Shouldn't you be going along with the Miri Feathers, gloriously hunting the elusive Boyington daggit? Apollo: *Sniffle.* I would, but I'm *achoo* not feeling very well... Adama and Salik exchange glances. Salik: I *told* you not to forget decontamination, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you pilots always know better. You're always in a hurry. You're always skipping decontamination because it's too much trouble... and you've probably infected half the ship by now! Apollo: *Achoo.* Dr. Salik, can you save the lecture *sniffle* until later, and give me something before my head explodes? Salik: Is that from the illness or your pilot's ego? (Relents.) Oh, all right, come on this way. We'll put you in quarantine and start figuring out what's wrong with you. And Nova, start inoculating everybody in the room against everything we've got. Maybe the scattershot approach will work... Nova: Right away, doctor. Greenbean and Giles appear at the door; Greenbean is leaning heavily on Giles. Giles: Doctor Salik! Somebody! Help! Greenbean's been shot! Amid myriad cries and exclamations, Salik and Adama rush over. Adama: What happened? Greenbean: (Piteously, moaning.) I...I was in the conduits, taking the shortcut to the O Club...when suddenly...suddenly...something bit me in the end! I broke off the tooth when I crawled away...and escaped. I think I scared it...when I yelled... Was it the Galactica ghost? Starbuck...told us...about the daggits in the conduits... Salik helps him to a bed and begins investigating the wound. Giles: I told you, Greenbean, it can't have been a daggit ghost. There's no such thing! Salik stands up, solemnly holding up a broken arrow, with the emblem of the Miri Feathers. Salik: Somebody's gotta tell those women to be more careful! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Columbo say, "I think I know who killed Ganymede." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 125 Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 It's Thursday and time again for IFB's longest running soap opera, "Jolly Forgot the Kids" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 125 Scene: Yes, we're still in Life Center. Salik is helping Greenbean. Paye comes wandering back in, having recovered from his faint. Columbo, who has been talking to Adama, stops suddenly, then stoops and picks up something from the floor. Columbo: Say, Dr. Paye, did you by chance drop this little amulet in the all comings and goings and hubbub around here? (Holds out an amulet on a chain.) Maybe when you fainted? Paye: Oh, I don't think so... (He gropes around his neck and then reaches into his pocket, looking puzzled.) Hmm, I guess it must be, I seem to have dropped it... Thanks for finding it. I didn't even realize it was missing. Columbo: I trust you understand why I have to have you look at this and confirm that it's yours? Paye: Of course. (Takes amulet.) Yes, this is definitely mine. That's my house crest on the back. Columbo: Thanks for confirming that, doctor. Glad I could be of help. You should hang on to your amulets, doctor. Paye: I will...and I guess I better get back to work, I understand Apollo needs a check-up and we have to start those inoculations... Columbo: Right. (Turns to Adama.) I think I know who killed Ganymede. Adama: You do? Who? Columbo: Let's just say, there's a few little details I want to check, and then I'll be able to tell you for certain. I'll get back to you... (Leaves life center.) Salik: So, Adama, who's going to tell the Miri Feathers to stop shooting people in the conduits? Adama: I'm not going to tell them. You tell them. You're the doctor. You have to clean up after them. Salik: I'm not going to tell them. You're the commander. It's your responsibility. Besides, they've got sharp pointy things and they're not afraid to use them. Gabrielle: (Voice yelling out in corridor.) I said, quit looking at my chest! A scream echoes in the corridor. Adama: She's got good hearing. Lt. Tarlik staggers into life center, doubled over, obviously in pain. Tarlik: (In a high, squeaky voice.) I've been shot, I've been shot! Salik: Where? Tarlik: Where it hurts the most! Adama: By Commander Gabrielle? Tarlik: Yes... Adama: Why? Tarlik: All I did was ask her if she needed any help over there on their ship - and she used her sling shot on me! Adama: Were those your exact words? Tarlik: Well, not exactly...I might have referred to helping her move her things around and being a great mover and shaker and being available for any heavy lifting or heavy breathing or anything like that... Adama: Moving her "things" around? A mover and shaker and a heavy breather? Tarlik: Well... Adama: And that's when she shot you? Tarlik: Yes... Doc, make the pain go away... Adama: She's got good taste. Salik: And good aim. All right, Lieutenant, right this way... Adama: At this rate, she's going to fill up life center faster than the Cylons do... As if on cue... Tigh: (Over loudspeaker): All pilots report immediately to the launch bay. We are picking up Cylon Raiders, closing on the Fleet. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "Sheba, you can't fly like that!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 126 Date: Fri, 29 Jun 2001 07:21:01 -0700 (PDT) Well, children, it's then end of another week, (T-G-I-F!!!!!!) and I must bid Adeiu to you and you and you and you (Sound of Music is playing in my head!). My time as your "guest poster" of JFTK has been a memorable one, one that I shall never forget (Is it getting a little *deep* here?) but I must relinquish my duties back to the "mini-cheese" (office joke) aka Sharon Monroe (who may be Starbuck in disguise, we are still working on that angle) who returns to her position Saturday after returning from her *vacation* at the lake. Old Irish curse - May you look like Sparky the lobster. So with this, I now post today's exciting thrilling and heart stopping episode of Jolly Flunked the Kids. It's "forgot" you idiot!!! My apologies. We now join "Jolly Forgot You, Idiot". Lady Rae, taking her last liberty ******************** "This is journalator Aphrodite, taking over for journalator Nessman, who is currently on the Agro Ship, reporting on the current status of our flocks, herds, and crops. I, on the other hand, am reporting on the latest Cylon attack. Even as we speak, our noble pilots are gathering in the bay to launch into ferocious battle to defend our lives. The adrenaline pumps in their toned young bodies and their heartbeats race as they wait breathlessly for the beginning of the combat that will decide not just their fates, but ours. The tension and heat build in their well-trained muscles as they prepare to put the skills of a lifetime to test, yet again. The sweat gathers on their foreheads and trickles down their throats, dampening their hair and running in rivulets down their chests to slowly pool in their navels... Is it getting warm in here? Excuse me, I'm going to have to go take a cold shower - while I'm gone, why don't you all watch the eighteenth secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 126 Scene: The Galactica launch bay, where warriors are hopping into their fighters and preparing to launch, to defend the fleet from this latest Cylon attack. Bojay and Starbuck hop into their adjoining Vipers, Starbuck lingering long enough to bestow kisses of gratitude and farewell on the four female Viper technicians working on his ship. Starbuck: Thanks for working on my ship. Gals, you're the greatest. Meet you on the Rising Star, later? Four Techicians, also known as Maggie, Vaughn, Patti, and Cathy: See you there... Bojay: Why can't I get treatment like that for my Viper? Starbuck: 'Cuz you don't give your techs treatment like I do. Awh, come on, Bojay, you know I've got a reputation to maintain. Bojay: Yeah, I know. Glad to see you back in action, buddy. Starbuck: Hey, I'm always in action. Unfortunately, this time it's with the Cylons. At least I've got tonight to look forward to. Sheba rushes into the bay and to her ship, on the other side of Bojay's, wearing a towel wrapped over her g-suit. Bojay: (Shocked.) Sheba, you can't fly like that! Sheba: (Climbing into her cockpit.) I'm wearing my g-suit. That's all I had time to put on. Who cares what I'm wearing over it? I don't. My Viper doesn't. The vacuum of space doesn't. The Cylons don't. So why should you? Bojay: Because I'm your wingman! I've got to fly beside you into combat with my last image of you being wrapped only in a towel over your basically sheer g-suit, every curve of your body outlined tightly and revealed by the terrycloth fabric of your towel, your long legs as good as bare all the down to your sweet little tootsies - and you expect me to be able to fight with that picture in my mind? Sheba: You can't fight because you've got my toes in your mind? Bojay: Well, I know where I'd rather have them... Sheba: Bojay...I didn't know you thought of me that way... Bojay: How could I not, at this moment? Sheba: Gee...I...I never thought of you that way... Bojay: I know you didn't...that's why I never said anything... Sheba: Bojay, when we're back from this mission, we're going to have a nice long talk. I think it's time we reconsidered our relationship. Maybe it's time we were more than just wingmen and shipmates and good friends who can tell each other every...little...thing. Starbuck: Hey, Sheba, isn't this kinda the wrong time to be talking about something like this? Sheba: You know me, Starbuck, I get all mushy before a mission. I need a something special in my life to cling to as I go into battle with my life on the line. I like a guy who can be romantic at a time like this. Apollo rushes into the bay and jumps in his Viper. Apollo: Hi, guys, did you save a few for me? Starbuck: I thought you were sick, in quarantine! Apollo: Ah, just turned out to be a little Aquarian sinus bug. So, what's going on? Starbuck: We're waiting for Cylons to attack, and Sheba and Bojay just decided to discuss their love life when they get back. Apollo: I thought Sheba didn't have a love life. Sheba: I will now. Bojay knows how to be romantic. Apollo: Are you implying that I don't? Sheba: If the boot fits... Apollo: Hey, you're not that easy to be romantic with! Especially while facing battle! And it's not easy to get romantic in the middle of a daggitfight when the person you're talking to is taking pot shots at Cylon tankers. Sheba: Is that a shot at my father? Apollo: (Mimicking.) If the boot fits... Tigh: (On speakers.) This is Colonel Tigh, from the bridge. Do you pilots realize that your every word is being picked up on our internal comm system by special feed to IFB, and permanently preserved for posterity for the entire fleet? Now shut up, get out there, and fight! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Rigel say, "There's a shuttle missing!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 127 Date: Sat, 30 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 127 Scene: A shuttle at the edge of the fleet, currently occupied by Chameleon and several of children from the Jolly and Cassie Ship. The youngsters piloting the shuttle do a flyby of one of the ships that nearly scrapes the paint off and scares the bejeezus out of the helmsman on the ship. Spif: Like this, Grampa Cham? Chameleon: (Swallowing hard to avoid throwing up.) Son, you're gonna grow up just like Starbuck! You already fly like him! I'm amazed Colonel Tigh hasn't court-martialed him by now... Spif: Awh, I wanna grow up like Papa Jo! Chameleon: Well, if you want to grow up like Jolly, you'll have to return to the Jolly and Cassie Ship, study hard, be good, and have some more mushies! Lots more mushies! Spif: I can do that! Dennis: Will he still fit in a cockpit? Chameleon: Your Papa Jo does! But for now, I really think we should go back to the Ship - with the Cylon attack and all. Cassie and Jolly aren't going to be happy that I let you take the shuttle out, when I was supposed to be child-sitting. You said it was only going to be a three-centar cruise... Dennis: Don't worry, Grampa Cham, we'll explain everything. We'll tell them we twined you like a kobolian mummy and held you hostage and wouldn't untwine you unless you agreed to take us out for a spin around the fleet. Chameleon: Oh, you'll tell them the truth. Spif: Yup! Okay, Grampa Cham! Let's go home! Children: Woo-hoo! Dennis: (Jarring something on the control panel.) Oops... Chameleon: Uh...where are we going now? We're heading away from the fleet - and the Cylons are still attacking. Dennis: Umm, I'm not sure. Chameleon: Well, this isn't where you're supposed to be going. Please turn around now, children, and take us back to the fleet. Spif: Umm, I think we're out of control... Chameleon: Oh, dear, Jolly and Cassie really aren't going to be happy about this... Scene: Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Galactica... Tigh: (With satisfaction.) It appears all of our fighters are returning, Commander. No casualties. Adama: Excellent, excellent. Rigel: Sir! We have a problem! Adama: Is one of our brave fighters under a vile sudden sneak attack by an enemy that was playing dead, which will necessitate a heroic emergency counterattack by my son and his wingmate, to save him or her from utter destruction? Rigel: No, sir, the Cylons have abandoned fight and are retreating in their usual fashion. Adama: Was one of our warriors injured and now has to limp back to the battlestar, struggling to hold his or her ship together long enough for a dangerous and dramatic landing, while we wait here with growing tension? Rigel: No, they're all just fine and dandy, sir. Adama: Has there been a unexpectedly discovered stellar anomaly that will test the skills of our finest warriors as they risk studying it and enduring its unknown mysterious effects upon them? Rigel: No, that's Star Trek, not Battlestar Galactica. Adama: Then what is it? Rigel: There's a shuttle missing! Adama: A shuttle! Which one? Rigel: One of the Jolly and Cassie shuttles. Adama: (Looking at Tigh.) A Jolly and Cassie shuttle? Tigh: The children? Adama: (Closing his eyes dramatically.) Lords help them all... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Avona say, "We put thirteen arrows into it, and it got up and ran away!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 128 Date: Sun, 01 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 128 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Adama: Summon all pilots to a briefing as soon as they land! Order all squadrons on standby- Tigh: Sir, how can they be on standby if they're all at a briefing? Adama: Um, we'll have the briefing in the launch bay! Order all Vipers immediately repaired, refueled, and rearmed, get all our techs- Tigh: Sir, half the techs are working on Starbuck's Viper as it is. Adama: The female half? Tigh: Of course. Adama: Threaten to have 'em all reassigned to Yellow Squadron if they can't do their job, where they'll never have another appearance in this serial as long as it lasts! Tigh: I'll do that, sir. Adama: But if they get everybody's Viper ready in record time, they'll all get rotated to private duty on Starbuck's ship. Every one of them. In turn. They'll each get a chance to be Starbuck's one and only Viper tech. For a night. Rigel: Sir! Request permission to transfer to Viper technician status for a day! Adama: Denied. Rigel: Rats! Tigh: Where? Rigel: There! An arrow clefts the air; with a dramatic squeak, and after five centons of melodramatic, overdone, hysterical posing in the midst of the general mayhem, the rodent finally kicks the bucket - which, of course, spills the contents. The bucket of 5W-30, set aside by a certain technician who shall remain nameless, for lubrication work on the bridge, spills and become a spreading pool across the bridge, causing a very attractive if not very bubbly small water...uh, oilfall from the command dais down to the middle level, down to the bottom level, before finally making its gurgling way into a conduit grill. Adama: All right, who did that? A gaggle of Miri Feathers enter the bridge. Adama: Commander Gabrielle! Did you find the daggit? Gabrielle: Not yet. Although we did get something. Adama: I know - Greenbean came to Life Center after you left, with an arrow in his backside. So did Tarlik, with some stone damage to his frontside. You've got to be more careful about your aim. Gabrielle: Got 'em both, didn't I? I'd say my aim's pretty good. But no, this wasn't one of your pilots. Oh, by the way, you'll find Corporal Komma somewhere between delta and gamma levels. He and Seina were playing touch-me-touch-you, and he got stuck in a conduit. He's gonna need some help getting out. Right now, he's like an ursine of little brain in a lepine hole after too much huney. Adama: Tigh? Tigh: We'll get someone right on it. Hmm, maybe some of the 5W-30 is going that way... Adama: So what did you get? Gabrielle: Avona, it was your team, you tell him. Avona: We got a daggit. Adama: (Eagerly.) You did? Where is it? Hey, I thought you said you didn't get the daggit! Avona: Well, we saw it...and we tracked it...and we shot it... But then... I mean, we put thirteen arrows into it, and it got up and ran away! Adama: You must have missed it in the twisting conduits and corridors. Avona: No, we definitely hit it. It howled and collapsed and fell over and everything. And then it got up, shook itself, and ran away! Adama: It must have been bleeding. Did you follow it? Gabrielle: That's just it, Adama. There was no blood. When we got to where the carcass lay, or did lay, briefly, all that was there were our thirteen arrows, nicely laid out in a pattern -- the points weren't even broken off! Adama: What kind of pattern? Gabrielle: The sigil of old Caprica... The bridge crew falls silent, all looking at Commander Adama. Adama: Tigh, call that briefing. It's time to tell...the secret. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama ask, "Starbuck, did you send around a memo?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 129 Date: Mon, 02 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 129 Scene: A briefing room, where Adama has just explained the five-hundred-yahren old story of the dire daggit pack haunting the depths of the Battlestar Galactica, and the tragic tale of what happened to Neit and Lupercus, and the evil tale of Anubis and his geneticist father who cloned the murderous pack from old preserved DNA - and we all know what happens when villainous scientists decide to play cloning games with old DNA, right? And nobody wants to know what else might be running around the depths of the Galactica, right? (At least, not this episode...) Adama: (Taking a deep breath.) And that is why we don't use certain parts of the battlestar for anything but storage, and why we hear mysterious sounds from below, at times, and why we're not supposed to use the conduits that lead down to those levels, and why we sometimes see what appear to be men running from what appear to be dire daggits, and why I didn't allow the rescue of any daggits from Caprica when we escaped, and why I ordered Wilker not to make any more daggits afterward. Any questions? Giles: Commander, how come I've never seen these dire daggits? I mean, I use those conduits all the time - everybody does, they're quicker and easier than actually trying to figure our way around the maze of corridors on this ship... Adama: You got lucky. Any other questions? Greenbean: Sir, if that's the case, how come you let Boxey have a daggit? Adama: Um, well... (Tugging at his collar.) Um, I guess it was a case of the lesser of two evils. Any other questions? Greenbean: The lesser of two evils? But that doesn't explain- Tigh: Sit down, Greenbean. Next? Greenbean sits down gingerly to protect his wounded end. Bojay: Will this briefing last long? Sheba and I have some things to discuss and this is really cramping our style. Sheba: *Giggle.* Tigh: (Under his breath.) She's giggling, sir. Have you ever heard her giggle? Adama: (Also under his breath.) Not since Iblis was aboard... Tigh and Adama both shudder. Adama: You'll wait, like everybody else. Just hold your equines, Bojay. Bojay: Publicly??? Tigh: Sit down, Bojay. Sheba, cut that out. Everyone looks avidly to see what she's doing. Sheba: Hey, what? My hands are where everyone can see them! Boy, you start getting sweets on someone, and everybody gets a dirty mind! Apollo: You mean sweet? Bojay: (Grinning broadly.) Nope. Sweets. Mushies. We've got plans. And we'll both need a shower afterward. Apollo: Ewh. That's a picture I didn't need. (Turns back to the others.) My turn for a question. Am I the only one here who didn't know about the dire daggits? Giles: Actually, none of us did, until Starbuck sent around that memo just before the battle. Adama: Starbuck, did you send around a memo? Starbuck: Well, I might have mentioned it to my secretary, Raleen- Apollo: (Interrupting.) Your secretary? You have a secretary? Starbuck: Well, yeah. Doesn't every brave, handsome, heroic, dashing, roguish Colonial Warrior and Viper pilot with magnificent hair have a secretary to keep track of his duty shifts and his social commitments and his personal engagements and to send out press announcements on his behalf? Travis, captain in Red Squadron: I know I do. Venus, lieutenant in Red Squadron: Me, too. Wouldn't be caught dead without her. Apollo: (Looking around at all the nodding pilots.) Oh...well...yeah, of course. I...just didn't think you did. I...thought you had to be captain to have a secretary...yeah, that's it, that's what I thought... Uh, sir, since we all know about the dire daggit, how about continuing with the purpose of the briefing? Adama: Right... There is a sudden cracking sound; one of the walls gives way and falls over backward, revealing the launch bay, and a handful of carpenters and painters, with some special effects people working on the starfield visible through the open end of the bay. Carpenter #1: Oops...I guess we put that emergency briefing room together too quickly... Carpenter #2: We can have it back up again in a few microns, Commander... Adama: (Sighing heavily.) Oh, don't bother... Just don't lose any nails where I might step on them later on my way out of the bay... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "Report to Life Center for emergency treatment." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 130 Date: Tue, 03 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 130 Scene: Still in the hastily assembled briefing room, in the launch bay. The carpenters and pilots together give the fallen wall the old heave-to, and push it back into place, where a couple of screws and nails and lots of power tools are put to use to hold it together long enough to finish the scene. Adama: (Sternly to master carpenter.) Do you think you could manage not to do that again? Carpenter #1: (In injured tones.) Hey, at least there were no microphones in the picture! Giles: I think I got a sliver. Tigh: Report to Life Center for emergency treatment. Giles: Yes, sir! Hey, wait a centon. That means I don't get to go on the mission, doesn't it? Tigh: Right. Giles: But...but... Awh, come on, I never get to go on any missions... Adama: Giles, report to Life Center before I decide to use these power tools on you and make you really need to go Life Center. Giles: Gone, sir. Adama: Good. Now, back to the mission at hand... The pilots gather around and take their appropriate places. Adama: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a missing shuttle. Various expressions of horror and concern. Adama: It's full of kids from the Jolly and Cassie Ship. Various expressions of relief and annoyance. Adama: It's your job to find that shuttle. Various groans and rolling of eyes. Adama: I now need volunteers to go in search of the missing shuttle. Greenbean: Can we ask questions first? Adama: (Sighing.) Of course. Greenbean: How'd Jolly forget this bunch? Tigh: Actually, while Jolly may be the one who forgets the kids, according to the available information, Chameleon's the one who lost this group. Bojay: Maybe he did us a favor. Sheba, not here...I'm ticklish...save it for the celestial observation chamber... Apollo: Wait a centon - the celestial observation chamber? That's my private getaway spot! Sheba, if you're not with me, you can't go there. Sheba: You think I care what you think? Starbuck: Chameleon! He's on that shuttle? I volunteer! I've got to save my dear old friend who's become as close to me as a father, even though he's a complete stranger and we're not even really relatives, except for being members of the same tribe going back ten generations or so. And he only used me to save himself from Borellian Nomen. Tigh: Starbuck...you volunteered? Starbuck: Well...yeah! Tigh: In plain sight, in front of everybody? You didn't sneak aboard a ship, or launch your Viper early, or reprogram the computers to include you, or anything? Starbuck: No - but I could, if it'll make you happy, Colonel. Anything to keep you happy. Adama: Enough! Thank you for volunteering, Starbuck. Continue, Tigh. Tigh: According to Jolly's best estimate, there are twelve children on that shuttle, along with Chameleon. At last position report, they were heading away from the fleet at Factor Four, on a heading five mark thirty-two lamba by sixteen delta delta delta twelve mark six. Apollo: Sheba, Bojay told you to cut that out! And don't you even think of heading for the celestial observation chamber, or else! Sheba: (Sticks out tongue.) Or else what? You'll pull rank as daddy's little captain? Apollo: Beats daddy's little lieutenant! Adama: Starbuck, it appears that Apollo and Sheba have volunteered to join you on this mission. All three of you, report back to the launch bay in thirty centons. Anybody else who wants in, be here too. The rest of you, dismissed. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Columbo say, "Doesn't anybody want to know who terminated Ganymede?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 131 Date: Wed, 04 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 131 Scene: The launch bay, in a hectic situation as the crew prepare for the rescue shuttle to go after Chameleon and the kids. Numerous technicians are swarming Starbuck's Viper, and one or two are working on the other pilots' Vipers. Salik and Paye are organizing medical supplies in case they're needed. Apollo wanders among the mob, double checking everything, then pauses to consider. Apollo: If we're all in our fighters, who's going to fly the shuttle? Jolly: I will. Apollo: (Quickly turning to see his buddy.) Jolly! I thought you were still on paternity leave and weren't due back for about fifty yahrens! Jolly: I know. But these are my kids we're talking about. I'm gonna help look for them. They're gonna know I'm there for them. Apollo: Great. It'll be good to fly with you again. Say...what's that on your neck? Jolly: (Shrugging.) Oh, just gills. Apollo: What??? Jolly: I've been spending a lot of time in the pool with the kids - and my grandmother was Aquarian, I think it's starting to show. Not a problem, is it, Apollo? Apollo: No, no, not at all...hey, Cassie! What are you doing here? Cassiopeia, still decked out like the Bride of Frankenstein, joins the doctors. Cassie: You think I'm letting my dear Jolly go out after our children alone? I'm going to be there if my children need medical assistance. Apollo: He won't be alone - say, what happened to your teeth? Cassie: (Flashing a smile, which clearly reveals extra sharp canines.) Uh...I had them capped. Apollo: (Unnerved.) Oh...well, you get stowed aboard, I'll check out my ship... Boomer: (From across the bay.) Hey, buddy! Apollo: Boomer! Welcome back! Any luck with Athena? Boomer: (Shaking his head as he approached.) No. She's bound and determined to make a career with Rising Star Couturiers, working for Amanda. Apollo: How hard did you try to convince her? Do you think it would help if I went along with you next time? Boomer: (Dismally.) I doubt it. Athena says she won't come back until hades freezes over. Jolly and Cassie exchange glances and grins. Apollo: That'll be hard on my father... Adama: (Enters the bay, with Tigh trailing behind.) Were you looking for me? Apollo: Oh, hi, father! Uh, I think we're almost ready to go. (Kicks Boomer in the shins.) Uh, Boomer, what are you going to do in the meantime? While you're waiting for Athena to come back, I mean... Since it won't be long... Boomer: Oh, right, not long... Well, I thought I'd volunteer for whatever mission this is... Jolly: There's plenty of room on the shuttle. Cutler's Commandos don't take up that much space. Boomer: (Studying Jolly and Cassie) I think I'll take my own ship... Adama: That's perfectly all right, Boomer. Techs, get Boomer's ship ready too... Columbo: (Entering bay.) Where's everybody going? Adama: Ah, hello, Captain Columbo. What are you doing here? Columbo: (Smiling genially.) I thought you'd want to see me. Adama: At an appropriate time, of course- Columbo: Doesn't anybody want to know who terminated Ganymede? Everyone gasps and pauses in what they're doing, then slowly begins to gather around. Adama: You figured it out? Columbo: (Nodding and smiling, gesturing an affirmative with his cheap fumarello.) I figured it out. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear...Whodunnit...maybe. Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 132 Date: Thu, 05 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 132 Scene: Launch bay, where several dozen of the crew of the Galactica have gathered to get the rescue mission into space, and to hear what Columbo has to say. The carpenters and special effects people, however, keep on working on setting up the next scene. Adama: Well? You said you knew who terminated Ganymede the Couturier. Who was it? Columbo: Just a centon, Commander, the rest of the suspects are still gathering... Tigh: The rest of the suspects? But if he knows who did it, why is he still gathering the rest of the suspects? What rest of the suspects? Adama: That's just the way he is, Tigh. It's a classic ploy of murder and mystery investigators - to gather together everyone who could have done it, to let them consider what he's going to say next, to let them sweat as they consider whether they've been found out. And then the investigator outlines the evidence, while the guilty party tries to shoot holes in the case that's been built against them, but only gives away their own culpability. Then it concludes with a public accusation, and security bursts in and takes the terminator away. That's the way it's been done throughout the millennia of human history, back to ancient Kobol- Pilot #1: *Groan.* Not another history lesson... Adama: (Glaring.) All right, that's enough! That was a literature lesson, not a history lesson! Who else are we waiting for, Captain Columbo? Columbo: Them. As Columbo points, a shuttle arrives from the Rising Star; Athena, Uri, Amanda, and the Dread...uh, Captain Robert disembark and join the crowd. A number of pilots, bridge crew, and medical staff arrive via turbolift, including Rigel, Omega, Quincy, and Nova. The entire tech staff leaves their Vipers to gather around. The Miri Feather trackers appear, jumping briskly out of various conduits. Siress Tinia and the rest of the Council of Twelve, accompanied by Council Security, appear from another turbolift. Cutler's Commandos arrive, armed and ready for action. A second shuttle arrives from the Miri Feathers ship, with several of the Black Ovines, several other amazons, and Dr. Wilker and his new associate. Siresses Belloby and Cordelia stroll in from a corridor. Adama: Siress Belloby! Not her! Not here! Not now! Columbo: Oh, that's right, the Greene-Somers Impossibility Factor... Siress, do you mind staying at that end of the bay, with your niece? Belloby: No problem, Columbo. Come on, dearie. Columbo peers over the crowd, which now fills a substantial portion of the launch bay, and nods to himself with a smile, satisfied. Columbo: All right, we can begin... (Strolls through the crowd.) We all know why we're here today. We're here to discuss the murder of Ganymede the Couturier. And you're all here because one of you did it. The usual shocked and horrified expressions and shouts of denial and dismay. Columbo: You all know that he was found dead in a corridor aboard the Galactica, several days ago. Tigh: Actually, wasn't it back in episode 73? That was more than a few days ago. Columbo: Series time, okay? Tigh: Oh. Columbo: Let's begin... Ganymede died from trauma and blood loss from a multitude of deep slashes across his chin and throat. Salik: How do you know that? The autopsy report vanished, and Dr. Quincy has amnesia! Columbo: (Smiling faintly.) There are things a trained investigator knows to look for, doctor. It's hard to miss deep slashes and pools of blood. The daggit faux fur and hera's eye feather trim of his tunic was soaked with it, and there were tears in the fabric. Adama: (Drawing a deep, sharp breath.) Slashes in the daggit fur... The spectral dire daggits? Was he killed by something I should have prevented, if I hadn't let Wilker build Muffey in the first place, and unleashed the dire daggits of the deep? Columbo: No, Adama. Those slashes were too even - and too close together to be the work of a spectral dire daggit. His killer only wanted it to look like he'd been killed by the Galactica ghost. Which tells me that the murderer was someone who knew about the legend. Adama's face goes pale, as do the faces of half the people present. Greenbean: Starbuck, you and your frakkin' memo! Starbuck faints. His trusty Viper techs catch him. Columbo: As I noted, Ganymede was wearing a tunic with daggit faux fur trim. (Meets several eyes.) What the killer didn't know, is that daggit faux fur absorbs smoke odors. At the scene, I discovered a fumarello stub - from a mummified kobolian special, the kind Boomer makes. Boomer faints. Several of his buddies catch him. Columbo: But there was no smoke in the daggit fur. Ganymede wasn't a smoker. That meant the stub came from his killer, who must be a person who enjoys fine fumarellos. Now, when I talked to Boomer over on the Rising Star, he gave me the names of all the people he'd given or sold his special fumarellos to. And I followed up with them. Adama: (Bewildered) When did you talk to Boomer and all these people? Columbo: Offscreen. Adama: That's not allowed! Columbo: Sure it is, commander. When you're a supporting character, a lot of what you do happens offscreen. Wouldn't you say, Colonel Tigh? Tigh: (Visibly sweating.) I...guess so... (Faints. The bridge crew catches him.) Adama: Okay, keep going. Columbo: (Pauses to light his own fumarello and glancing across the crowd.) Right... Several more people faint. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tinia say, "Tell us who did it or we'll terminate you!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 133 Date: Fri, 06 Jul 2001 "This is journalator Koppel, back from the prison barge, with a late-breaking story from the Galactica! Which is definitely more interesting than breaking stories from the prison barge. Things are tense in the launch bay, as Captain Columbo is, even as we speak, about to finger the terminator of Ganymede the Couturier. We all wait with bated breath, wondering who will be revealed as a cold-blooded, ice-hearted, murderer. We understand that there are perhaps a hundred suspects gathered, waiting revelation. Oh, yes, and some of our brave pilots are also preparing to go to the rescue of a group of missing children. Ho-hum, so what. Now, quickly, let's get on to the nineteenth secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 133 Scene: The launch bay, where Captain Columbo is dragging out the inevitable accusation. Columbo: So Ganymede was killed, by someone who wanted it to look like he'd been killed by a ghost - but who left a calling card in the form of a fumarello stub. (Strolls in front of Salik, Paye, and Quincy.) The body was taken to life center, where it was autopsied and the effects stored pending conclusion of the case. But something happened, didn't it, Dr. Quincy? Quincy: Whaddaya mean by that? Columbo: The autopsy results disappeared. All of your notes disappeared. And then you disappeared. (Cocks his head, studying Quincy.) Only to reappear from the ceiling, with a very convenient case of amnesia. It sounds like somebody had easy access to life center - perhaps somebody you all trusted, who would never be suspected... He glances at Nova, who promptly faints. Salik catches her. Columbo: Then to top it off, the body disappeared too...released to a so-called relative, along with all personal effects. Paye: But how was I to know it wasn't really a relative? Columbo: (Holding up a hand.) I know, I know... Let me finish. Belloby: Sometime this secton would be nice. Columbo: (Pointing at her.) Patience was never your strong point, Belloby, but I think you'll find this worth waiting for. Tinia: Well, patience *is* my strong point, but I'm running out of it! Tell us who did it, or we'll terminate you! Columbo: (Holding out both hands appeasingly.) All right, Siress. (Again begins to pace in front of the crowd.) There was another clue. In addition to the fumarello stub under the body, there was an amulet. (Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small amulet on a chain.) This amulet is the sign of a secret society in the fleet, a group that has only recently come to the attention of the authorities - like me. Everyone gasps; the crowd surges forward, craning to get a look - except for Dr. Paye. Columbo: (Stopping in front of Paye.) Does this look familiar, doctor? Paye: (Clutching at his neck.) No. Columbo: Are you sure? Just yesterday, you admitted it was yours. Paye: No, I've got an amulet, but I'm wearing it, you gave it back to me- Columbo: I gave you back the amulet that Ganymede was wearing at the time of his death. I kept this one, the one that I found under his body. You identified his amulet as your own. You and Ganymede were both members of the secret society. But what no one else knew, until I checked the records on the archive ship, is that you and Ganymede were also cousins. You have the same house crest. Paye: You mean you didn't just pick my amulet up off the floor and give it to me? Columbo: Nope. Paye: Nuts. Columbo: You gave yourself away. Because it was you, wasn't it, Dr. Paye? You're the man who loves fine fumarellos, who buys them off Sire Uri, who gets them from Boomer through the middlepersons of Lt. Cutler through Siress Amanda, aren't you? Cutler: I didn't do it! (But doesn't faint.) Amanda: (Elbowing him.) You're off the hook. He already accused Paye. Cutler: Whew! Columbo: And, doctor, when you accosted Ganymede, you lost your fumarello when he fell on it, ripping off your amulet as he did so. Then, in life center, it was you who arranged to have Ganymede's body removed, along with all his effects. And you, of course, had complete access to the life center computers, and to your fellow personnel. You were responsible for Dr. Quincy's kobolian mummification, too. Paye: (Resigned.) All right, I confess, I did it... Security rushes over and takes Paye into custody. Cutler: Siress Amanda, I'm never selling you another fumarello as long as I live. Amanda: Sure you will. Because you wanna keep on living. Columbo: The next question is, who was your accomplice? The crowd gasps, full attention back on Columbo. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Columbo say, "I know all your little secret society." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 134 Date: Fri, 06 Jul 2001 Okay, I know I haven't done this before, but I'm leaving town again in a few minutes, and will be back on Sunday, and I forgot to talk to Rae yesterday. So here is Saturday's episode. Don't read it 'til then, or you'll have to do without a new one on Saturday! I said, don't read it yet! Oh, all right... ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 134 Scene: The launch bay, where security has Paye under control, but the crowd is getting restless. Adama: You believe he had an accomplice, Columbo? Columbo: Of course. Does he look brawny enough to have clunked Quincy over the head, dragged him out of his office, twined him like a kobolian mummy, then left him in the middle of the conduits above life center? And who was the mysterious stranger who took Ganymede's body and personal effects? Paye was the one who killed Ganymede - but he wasn't acting alone. So, who was it, doctor? Paye: I'm not telling you anything. Columbo: Because of your loyalty to your accomplice? Because he's a member of your secret society and therefore to be protected? Paye: How would you know that? Columbo: Because I know all about your little secret society. Tinia: What kind of secret society is it? Columbo: I wish I could tell you all about it, but we know only a few details. Semi-mystical, no doubt with many mysterious rituals and secret handshakes, formed since the Destruction, after the time we spent at Kobol. It was likely seeing the ancient temples and Pyramids of our distant forefathers and foremothers that sparked its origins. And no doubt it was the hieroglyphs of our ancestors that birthed the incantations, chants, and rhymes that mark your members. Born of the desire to know we would continue, individually and as a race - as our progenitors believed that kobolian mummification in the magnificent Pyramids of our homeworld would give us a form of immortality. That we would leave our mark, as the ancients did, in their architectureand literature, on a world where nothing has changed in over five thousand yahrens... Pilot #1: (With a feeling groan.) Lords, not another history lesson... Columbo: (With a glare.) Fine, we'll cut that part short then. But Paye, how do you explain the termination of Ganymede, when he was a member of your secret society too? Paye: Well... (Shrugs.) It was one of those things, you know... Columbo: One of those things... I find that a little hard to believe. Paye: Believe it or not, that's the case. Columbo: (Nodding.) And that makes my case. Take him away, security. Adama: Columbo, this secret society sounds dangerous - turning perfectly good doctors into murderers, kidnapers, twiners, thieves... What else do we know about it? Columbo: (Turns to Adama.) The name by which we know this secret society - although it's probably not its real, true, hidden, secret, mystical name, is Galacticans Enjoying The AfterLife - GETALIFE, for short. They seem to be fixated on the belief that they can find a way to live forever. Beyond that, all we know is that each member wears an amulet - just like this one - with a family crest on the back. Adama: Get a life, huh... Columbo: No, GETALIFE. With a shatnerian accent and timbre. Adama: Ah, I see. GETALIFE. And just how do they plan on living forever when they can quite obviously see that human beings are a mortal race, ultimately doomed to die and to live on only in memories and offspring, and the occasional best-selling biography? Columbo: We haven't quite figured that one out yet. We think it has something to do with videos and reruns and graven images of somebody they worship, called Dorian Gray - and of course, kobolian twining. Tinia: (Light bulb going off over her head.) Hmm, what if it wasn't murder? What if Ganymede thought he was about to start living forever? What if this was all part of a plan? Columbo: I suspect the deep dire daggit-like slashes across his throat disabused him of that idea in fairly short order, Siress. Tinia: (Light bulb makes *pfizz* sound and goes dark.) Good point, Captain. Columbo: But now, we have to find out who Paye's accomplice or accomplices are. Why did Ganymede come to the Galactica? How did he get here? Somebody had to fly him over from the Rising Star - presumably something from GETALIFE who was in on the plot. Somebody who hasn't yet revealed himself... Hmm, I may have to begin a little private investigating, perhaps go undercover to infiltrate this secret society... Adama: (Staring around at the hundred or so people, the assortment of videolaters, and the IFB feed, all avidly fixed on Columbo's every word.) Actually, Columbo, that may be a bit difficult at this point... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cordelia say, "It's getting larger!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 135 Date: Sun, 08 Jul 2001 I have returned! Nyah! Now you're stuck with me again! And that means more Jolly... Heh-heh-heh... -- Sharon ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 135 Scene: The launch bay. Gabrielle: Well, since that's all done, I guess we might as well get back on the trail of the missing daggit. Salik: And I might as well get back to life center to tend the wounded, the sick, and those otherwise in need of medical care. Amanda: And I need to get back to Rising Star Couturiers to continue my designs...on things. Let's go, Athena, I'll need you. Wilker: And I should get back to the Miri Feather ship and resume my fantastic research and technical studies, now that I have an assistant worthy of my caliber. Belloby: And I'll get back to my effort to become a member of the Council of Twelve - based on a campaign to end all campaigning! Koppel: And I'll get back to IFB with this very special scoop. Did we get all that, videolater? Paparazzi: Got it all. Can we stop for pizza on the way? Koppel: No. Paparazzi: But they've opened a Papa John's on the Rising Star! Koppel: Well, in that case... Starbuck: And we might as well start looking for Chameleon and the missing shuttle full of children! That is supposed to be our current mission, Apollo, isn't it? Apollo? Where are you? He glances around the rapidly emptying bay and finally sees that, at the other end of the bay, Apollo and Cordelia are strolling together along the lip of the opening to space, enjoying the bright starlight and pretending they're actually alone. Apollo: I promise you, Cordelia, we won't be gone long. How long can it take to find Chameleon and a shuttle full of kids? Then I'll come back, and we can talk to my father and your aunt about setting our sealing date. Then we can be together always. And we can finally share a bed. And a billet. And a turboshower. Maybe even a turbotowel. Cordelia: Oh, Apollo... *Sigh.* You're so romantic. Apollo: (Brooding.) Some people don't think so... Cordelia: They don't know you like I do. They don't see into your true, loving heart and realize the wounded, tormented, angsty soul you have. They don't look deep into your jade green eyes and see what kind of man you truly are. Apollo: Cordelia... Cordelia: Apollo... They lean close for a kiss...and each manage to cut the other's lip with their teeth. Thank goodness they weren't wearing braces, or it would have taken an entire tech crew to disentangle them. Drawing back from the kiss, the pair of them barely manage to avoid falling out into space and drifting away forever. Not that either of them would have noticed at that moment. They didn't even notice they were bleeding. Starbuck: Hey! (Races up and grabs Apollo's arm, jerking him away from Cordelia.) The mission, remember? Chameleon, the kids? Let's go... Apollo: That's my line! 'Bye, Cordelia! (Apollo trips over his own bootclasps, and nearly falls over, but Starbuck keeps him on his feet and moving.) Cordelia: Good bye, my dear, sweet, beloved Apollo. Hey, what's that out there? What a bright, pretty star! Oh, it's a pretty Viper, flying through the beautiful stars...a streak of glorious starfire, dancing through space, just like the one Apollo flies. And it's getting larger! It's getting closer! Oh, no, it's a Viper coming in for a landing! It's coming right at me! Yikes! Cordelia rushes out of the way of the incoming Viper. Meanwhile, at the shuttle, Apollo, Starbuck, Sheba, Bojay - he's not letting Sheba go alone on a mission with Apollo at this point in the game - Boomer - yes, he volunteered, too - Jolly, Cassie, and Cutler's Commandoes stand ready. Adama: All right, ladies, gentlemen...and...other (after a quick glance at Jolly and Cassie). At last report, Chameleon and a shuttle full of children were heading out into deep space. You may be their only hope. Bojay: (Helpfully.) We could always go in the other direction. Starbuck: Hey, what about Chameleon? He deserves our help! Even if he did lie to me, and pretend to be my father, and nearly get me killed by Nomen, and steal my gambling system, and almost get me turned into an Ultra Salon gigolo, and- Cassie: Starbuck, get over it. Adama: I think you should all know, Boxey is one of the children. Bojay: Wanna reconsider, Starbuck? Starbuck: Uh... Adama: Too late. This was a non-refundable volunteering. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "Here we are, together again." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 136 Date: Mon, 09 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 136 Scene: Out in space, where five Vipers and a shuttle can be seen, along with some cool CGI special effects of asteroids, super novas, assorted star systems, an alien space battle, and something that looks suspiciously like a Deathstar blowing up. Oh, the Deathstar's already been blown up? Then it must be something else. Anyway, all is accompanied by majestic, Vipers-flying-through-space music, with an underlying hint of increasing tension to reflect the fact that they're on a Mission. Boomer: Here we are, together again, the main good guys. Off on an important mission essential for the survival of the fleet. Sheba: Yeah, right. Saving a bunch of supposedly adorable brat-face kids and a lovable con-man crook. Including Apollo's ex-kid and Starbuck's faux-daddy. Whoop-ti-do. Cassie: Shut up, Sheba. Some of those are my kids. And you call yourself my friend. Sheba: No, I don't. Not since Apollo and I broke up and I didn't have to worry about fitting in with his friends anymore. Since you and Starbuck broke up and it didn't matter anyway. Cassie: Starbuck and I never broke up. We just went in different directions. Sheba: Translated to, he didn't even notice when you started dating Jolly to make him jealous, because he was too busy fighting with Apollo! Cassie: I didn't date Jolly to make Starbuck jealous - and if you'd been stuck babysitting Boxey, like Jolly and I were all the time, you'd know that. You'd have realized what a great guy Jolly is, too. And then you and I would have been fighting over his attention, like we used to fight for Cain's. Sheba: Oh, yeah? Cassie: Yeah! Sheba: (Tearfully.) You had to bring up my father, didn't you! Jolly: Don't worry, Cassie, do you think I could possibly be interested in a commander's whiny brat when there's a woman like you in the universe? Apollo: Hey! Watch that language, Jolly! Bojay: Don't worry, Sheba, we can commiserate together later over missing our great commander. Apollo: Bojay, if it weren't for wanting to get in good with Sheba, you wouldn't care about Cain either! Bojay: Of course I would! He was my commander! He's the great Commander Cain! Starbuck: Boy, you keep sucking up like you expect he's listening in, and that we'll all find him waiting for us back at the fleet when we return! Sudden soaring swell of music. Boomer: (Breaking in hastily.) Well, at least the mission doesn't include that daggit. Ominous, foreboding music undercuts everything in the background. Starbuck: So, Captain, which way do we go? Apollo: Hmmm. Well, the last fix we had on the shuttle, it was going this way. Bojay: Sheba and I volunteer to check out the other direction! Right, Sheba? Sheba: Stop telling me what to do, Bojay! I can't stand that in a man! Bojay: But...but... I thought you'd want to be alone with me, out in space, away from all these people who keep demeaning your father and my commander, the incomparable Cain! Sheba: Well... Bojay: Besides, I'm a captain now. I outrank you! Sheba: I hate captains. Bojay: I turn in my commission. Apollo: (Quickly.) Accepted! You're a lieutenant again, Bojay. (Aside.) Thank the Lords, I hated having another captain along. I'm supposed to be the only captain in this mix. Starbuck: So, we keep on going this way? Boomer: Sounds that way. Starbuck: Good. Meet you all at the missing shuttle! (Starbuck hits his turbos and leaves them all eating ion vapors.) Apollo: Starbuck! Get back here! Don't leave your team! Stay with us! Oh...frak, he's gone... Boomer: Well, Captain, do we follow him, or follow the shuttle? Apollo: Hmm, that's a tough call. Save a group of young orphans- Jolly: Ahem! Apollo: Uh, a group of lost, endangered children of one of our own friends and wingmates, or go after our buddy, off on another foolhardy adventure... Fortunately, they're going in the same direction. Let's go, team! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Columbo say, "I believe he passed along the command codes of the Galactica." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 137 Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 137 Scene: Commander Adama's private room on the Rising Star, where he, Tigh, Tinia, and Columbo are enjoying an ambrosia while ignoring the Triad match on the screen, where Brie and Dietra are defeating Sorrell and Marabella, three to one, just so you don't have to wonder. Tigh: But that doesn't explain everything, Captain. How did Dr. Paye obtain access to the top secret information about the spectral dire daggits? He had to have known about it, to have tried to make Ganymede's death look like the work of ghostly cloned predators from five hundred yahrens ago! Columbo: (Blowing smoke from his cheap fumarello.) That takes us back to the history of the spectral dire daggits. You're aware of Anubis, the first flight commander of the Galactica? Tigh: Yes. On the screen, Brie makes another goal, changing the score to four to one. Columbo: Did you know he left a wife and child, when he died? Tigh: No! Columbo: Yes. Commander, how about you? Adama: I was aware of that aspect of the history, yes. But what is its relevance to Paye obtaining access to top secret reports and histories? Columbo: I was able to trace the Anubian family tree from that time to the present. Tinia: Also offscreen where none of the rest of us knew what was going on and it came as a complete surprise to our viewers? Columbo: Of course. Anyway, Paye and Ganymede were the last known descendants of that family. Tinia: Really? That's amazing! Tigh: And that's relevant because...? Columbo: I have a theory that Anubis had more secrets than just that of the cloned dire daggits and the murders of the two men who would have held his post. Adama: And what's that? Columbo: The position of flight commander of the Galactica, of course. Anyway, I believe Anubis passed along the command codes to the Galactica, to his wife, who passed them along to her son, through the generations, to Paye and Ganymede. Those codes gave his heirs direct access to all information in the Galactica computer banks, including the history of Anubis and the dire daggits and all personal logs and reports, classified information, and secret missions. Tinia: That's treason! Isn't it treason, Adama? Adama: (Frowning.) Depending on who else that information might have been given or sold to... But it's definitely against regulations! On the screen, Dietra drops in another handy goal, over Sorrell's outstretched arms, making the score five to one. Marabella starts stomping around the court. Tinia: So you believe Ganymede could have been on the Galactica to try and access our command computers, somehow? Columbo: No, I believe Ganymede was on the Galactica to access our command computers. Tinia: That's what I said! Columbo: No, it's not. Tigh: Actually, much as I hate to admit the Siress is right about the color of the Caprican sky on a sunny day, that's almost exactly what she said, Columbo. Columbo: Oh. Well, in that case, you're right, Siress. That's why he was here. On the screen, Marabella punches Brie. Dietra jumps Sorrell. The officiator tries to break up the felinefight, but Brie throws the ball in his face, dropping him like a rock. Adama: (Musing.) But what did he hope to learn... Tigh: Perhaps something for that secret society of theirs? But why him? Why not Paye, who was already on the Galactica, and already had a reason to access our computers? And why did Paye then kill him? We still don't have the motive... Columbo: Good questions, sir. And ones I hope to be able to answer after I find a way to infiltrate that secret society and learn a little more about it. Tigh: You know, Columbo, for someone who claimed to know all about GETALIFE, you don't seem to have very many details! Columbo: If everybody knew the details, it wouldn't be much of a secret now, would it, Colonel? Adama: He's got a point, Tigh... Tigh: (Exasperated.) He's always got a point. He just takes forever to get there! On the screen, the officiator is being helped off the court while the Triad players continue to duke it out. Various squadronmates jump into the court, followed by other warriors and security. Soon the whole place is full of people kicking, clawing, screaming, mauling, punching, biting, wrestling, throwing things, and generally attempting to injure each other. Annunciator: (With hushed excitement.) Ladies and gentlemen, this is unprecedented! I think we've just seen the birth of an entirely new sport! And you...are there! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Belloby say, "So exterminate the vermin." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 138 Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 138 Scene: The Triad arena and surrounding seats, where a full-blown bout of something closely resembling a battle royale is in progress, complete with women in scanty Triad uniforms trying to tear out each other's hair, fellow members of their squadrons, getting in their licks, an officiator trying vainly to restore order, security officers, bearing the brunt of everyone's outrage, and the remains of the audience, torn between cheering them on and being appalled at what's going on right in front of and all around them. Annunciator: Yes, fellow citizens of the fleet, we are witnessing the birth of an entirely new participatory sport, which I personally have christened, Battle-Star Melee! And you are here! On the screen, several Miri Feathers wade into the mix and start breaking things up. Annunciator: (Clearly disappointed.) Uh...then again...maybe not... Sports Journalator Howard: And at that point, the fight was broken up, with the initiators being sent to the brig pending Commander Adama's further instructions and a determination of appropriate discipline. The annunciator has been rewarded for his role in furthering the situation, with a raise in pay and a commendation for his ingenuity, and is now hard at work in the new programming development department. This is IFB, and that's the sports news today. Draw back from screen, we see Tinia and Belloby politely ignoring each other as they wait in the boarding lounge of the Rising Star's shuttle bay. The silence goes on for several very long centons. Tinia: Well, this is silly. We may as well speak to one another. I was here with Commander Adama to view a Triad match. Belloby: The one that turned into an all-star grudge match between the pilots? Tinia: Yes, that one. Belloby: I saw it too. Quite a ruckus, that was. (Pause.) Of course, I was here on election business, since we're being honest, and we're not going to resort to a knock-down, drag-out feline fight. Tinia: I have to admit, I did a little of that myself. Election work, I mean, not feline fighting. Belloby: Soliciting votes while soliciting the commander? Tinia: I- (Doing a slow burn.) Never mind. Belloby: (Chuckling.) Oh, I understand, Tinia. I'd do the same thing. (Beat.) So, how do you think the election's going to go? Tinia: (Sighing.) I don't know. It's close. You know, at times I almost wish I were going to lose. Being on the Council isn't always easy, or fun. Sometimes it feels like I'm dealing with the most self-centered, grasping scum...the vermin of the universe. Belloby: So exterminate the vermin. Tinia: (Sighing again.) If only it were that easy - but the rest of the Council would probably throw me off the Council of Twelve if I started exterminating them! Belloby: Would there be any of them left to throw you off? You might wind up a majority of one! Tinia: That's an idea... Belloby: So why are you running for re-election, if you don't really want to win? Tinia: Oh, I want to win. I just don't want Geller and Domra and Melbrooks to win, too. I'm the Council's liaison to the military, you must recall. I respect Adama; he respects me. I have a job, although dealing with them takes the fun out of it. I have important things to do. And they get in the way of my significant role in the fleet. Belloby: I could make a crude remark about rolling the Commander, but I won't. Because I understand that perfectly well, too. There was a time when I had designs on him myself - before I learned that what I really wanted was someone who was a little more fun. Tinia: Adama's fun! He just needs the right...playmate. Belloby: (Raised eyebrows.) I see. (Beat.) You know what he really needs? Tinia: Yes, I do. Belloby: No, I mean politically. For the good of the fleet. Tinia: What? Belloby: Another person on the Council who understands him, who understands military needs, who's willing to work with him instead of against him. Tinia: I take it you mean you? Belloby: Right. Tinia: How do I know you're not just trying to get closer to Adama to come between us? Belloby: Honey, I've seen you with him. There isn't enough space between you for anyone to come between you. I'm talking alliance. You and me. Beat Melbrook, get rid of Geller, dump Domra. We can do it. Tinia: (Interested.) Let's talk. Tigh walks into the boarding lounge. The women pause, staring at him. His eyes widen in panic as he looks from one to the other. Tigh: Lords of Kobol! (Turns and bolts.) Belloby: Now that's how we gotta handle the Council! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Baltar and Zara say, "Hello, Paye." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 139 Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 139 Scene: The prison barge. In a cozy little cell, Baltar and Zara are enjoying a little tea and scones and jam. They've given up on the prison barge excuse for caff. Reese stands at the door, brooding, and keeping an eye on the three Nomen tea servers. Zara: (With a mild British accent.) So, Baltar, what's the latest plan to take over the universe? Baltar: (Similarly accented.) It hinges on convincing the Council that I have a workable plot to sneak in past the Cylon defenses and hit their capital when they least expect it. Zara: That didn't work the last five times you tried it with Adama, why would it work now? I mean, he doesn't even come to see you anymore. How do you plan to convince him? Maga, please refill his cup. Will you have one lump of sucrose or two? Baltar: Only one, thank you, Maga. I'm cutting back. Ah, but I'm bypassing Adama completely this time. I'm sending that my latest epistle directly to individuals on the Council of Twelve. Zara: Hmm, that might very well work. You might especially want to talk to- Reese: Will you two cut out the phoney British accents? I don't care if you're having tea and scones! Talk normal Caprican! Zara: Or else you'll do what? We're already in prison for life! Reese: Or I'll...I'll take away your talonberry jam! They look at each other. Zara: (Sulking, but dropping the accent.) Well, if you won't give us real caff... Reese: (Smugly.) From what I understand, messing with caff is what started you on the road to this prison barge in the first place. You deserve to be deprived of caff! Zara: Baltar, make him go away. Baltar: (Sympathetically.) Can't, m'dear. He's our guard. He has to be present at our tea party, ship commander's orders. Besides, we need him to give the appearance of an audience, or we won't even be able to pretend this is an interview. Zara: *Sigh.* All right, let's move on. Baltar, I know you can't really reveal details about your clever strategy to take over the universe, so let's move on to your plans afterward. What kind of changes do you intend to implement? Baltar: The first thing I intend- Lomas appears at the cell door, pushing along a reluctant Paye. Lomas whispers something to Reese. Reese: Looks like you two are getting a new member of your little clique. Right this way, Dr. Paye. Say hello to your new cellmate. Baltar and Zara together: Hello, Paye. Paye: (Dismally.) C'mon, Reese, can't I get better quarters than this? I mean, Baltar and Zara? Reese: Nope. This is where you belong. Paye: (Taking in the tea party, the Nomen waiters, and the piles of crocheted doilies scattered everywhere.) What are you doing, anyway? Baltar: The same thing we do every night - plan to take over the universe. Paye: Lords of Kobol, I'm gonna go insane... Reese: You'll be in perfect company. Zara: (Dropping back into interviewer mode.) So, Dr. Paye, what are you in for? Paye: (Morosely.) Oh, terminating my cousin, concealing medical records, assault and twining on a medical colleague, breaking into the ship's computers, that kind of stuff. Baltar: Did you say, breaking into the ship's computers? Paye: Yes. Baltar: Would that be, the Galactica's computers? Paye: Of course. Baltar: You obtained the command codes? Paye: Already had 'em. Baltar and Zara exchange grins. Zara: You wouldn't happen to be a member of... (Her voice drops.) ...GETALIFE, would you? Paye: (Looking around, voice also dropping.) Yes, why? Baltar: Doctor, let's talk... Tea? Maga, another cup, please. Paye: (Eyeing the tea-serving Nomen.) I thought those guys escaped to Terra! Nomen #1: Terra didn't want us. Somehow, they threw us back. Nomen #2: I think it had something to do with that guy in the white suit who said he was going to fix things by putting us back where we belonged. Paye: Ricardo Montalbahn was on Terra? Nomen #3: He said his name was John, not Kahn. Zara: One lump of sucrose or two? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "We're lost...in space..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 140 Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 "This is Journalator Nessman, with all the news that is the news, straight from my sojourn on the Agron ship, reviewing the status of our fleet's all-important agron situation. I'll be updating you on the veggie and grain harvest status, on the anticipated expansion of the hydroacres with the space now available on the Miri Feathers ship, and the increases in the avian, bovine, and piscine herds, flocks, and schools through new births. I've even got a personal segment on my own interaction with several members of our small but vital stock of porcines! And then we'll view the twentieth secton episode of Jolly's ongoing saga. But first and foremost, the important news - hey, wait, the agron news comes first, don't you dare cut- "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 140 Scene: Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship...uh, this is the mission of our brave warriors as they attempt to locate and return the shuttle containing Chameleon and a group of lost children. Jolly: Any trace of the shuttle? Boomer: Nothing on my scanners. Bojay: Or mine. Apollo: We haven't picked up any trace of them yet, Jolly, but you know we're not going back without your kids. Jolly: Thanks, Skipper. I appreciate it. Sheba: How about Starbuck? Apollo: No sign of him, either. He seems to have vanished from the face of the universe. Sheba: I know we've been following his ion trail, so it should just be a matter of time. Boomer: We're following his ion trail? Sheba: Well, aren't we? Bojay: What ion trail? I didn't know we were following an ion trail! Boomer: I thought the ion trail was from that comet. Sheba: What comet? Boomer: The one in front of Apollo, the one that just headed into that star system. Sheba: Was Starbuck following the comet? Bojay: Beats me. Apollo: If we knew that, he wouldn't be lost, now, would he? Sheba: So why are you following the comet? Apollo: I wasn't following the comet! You said you were tracking Starbuck's ion trail! Sheba: Until you got in the way! Apollo: (Pause.) Sheba, I think that's my ion trail you've been following. Sheba: (In a small voice.) Oops... Boomer: (Pause.) So does anybody know exactly where we are? Apollo: Yes. We're here. Bojay: Where's here? Apollo: Twenty-five mark three on grid alpha-one-zeta. Boomer: (Pause.) How does that relate to where the Fleet is? Apollo: (Pause.) Uh... Bojay: Isn't the fleet back there the way we came? Boomer: But we've following the ion trail of somebody or something, and we've been doing a lot of dodging. I'm not sure which way back is... Sheba: You mean to say we're... Boomer: Could be... Apollo? Apollo: (Slowly.) We're lost...in space... Bojay: Awh, you had to say it, didn't you? Boomer: Could be worse. At least we're not wearing corsets, bustiers, and fishnet hose. Apollo: Sheba, you're the one that got us lost! Sheba: I was following you! You said so! So technically, you got us lost! Apollo: But you said- Sheba: So what'll we do now, oh fearless leader? Apollo: Well, we could all follow each other's ion trails in circles, like Sheba, until we run out of fuel and crash into some planet, or drift into some star's gravity well, or hit each other, or just plain sit out here until we rot! Sheba: You- Apollo: Get off my astrum! Sheba: You are an astrum! Boomer: This isn't getting us anywhere! Which way do we go? Jolly: That does it. We're going this way. Apollo: Who gave you the choice? Jolly: Because I'm the daddy, that's why. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Chameleon say, "Oh, dear..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 141 Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 141 Scene: A lush forest bordering a pleasant sandy beach. A shuttle comes careening down through the sky, flipping, turning, and waggling wildly. Then, at the last centon, it straightens, smoothes its path, and lands without a jiggle. The hatch opens, and out rush a dozen children and Chameleon, who looks a little green. The children scatter, except for a handful who stay to take care of their "Grampa" Chameleon. Dennis: See, Grampa Cham, you shoulda let Spif handle the whole landing! He knows how to fly! You almost crashed us! Chameleon: (Staggering.) I'll never try to land a shuttle again... I wasn't meant to be a pilot. I can see that now... Spif: Next time I'm taking control as soon as we enter atmosphere. Chameleon: I'm the adult. I should have been able to handle these children. Spif: Are you all right, Grampa Cham? Chameleon: I'm...I'm going to be sick... Dennis: But we landed in one piece, Grampa Cham. And we landed in just the right spot! See? Here's the white sand beach. Here's the glorious ocean. Here's the deep verdant forest full of vegetation. It's paradise! Please don't throw up on it. Chameleon looks around to see what a beautiful place Spif has landed them. As he gazes at paradise, children come running out of the woods, arms full of fruits and vegetables they've gathered. Child #1: See these red berries we gathered? Chameleon: You found redberries, here on this mysterious and unknown planet? Child #2: No, not redberries, just red berries. The red berries are actually larger and bumpier than redberries. Chameleon: But if they're redberries, how can they not look like redberries? Child #3: No, they're just red berries. That color. Scarlet berries! Chameleon: Oh, but scarletberries are entirely different from redberries! Are you sure you don't mean vermillionberries? Child #1: Grampa Cham, are you sure you're an adult? Chameleon: Oh, absolutely. Now, you can tell the difference between scarletberries and redberries and vermillionberries from the plants they grow on. Scarletberries grow on low shrubs with smooth leaves, and redberries grow on bushes thick with spiny thorns; vermillionberries also grow on low shrubs, but the leaves are rough and the berries are smaller. So, which are these, redberries or scarletberries or vermillionberries? If you don't know, bring me some leaves and I'll tell you. Child #2: Here, there's a leaf attached to this cluster of berries. Chameleon: Hmm, I don't think these are scarletberries or redberries or vermillionberries. They look more like crimsonberries, and those are poisonous. The children exchange looks. Child #3: Well, they taste good, anyway. Chameleon: (Horrified.) Oh, no! You ate them without letting an adult look at them first? What if they're not good for you? Child #1: (Cheerfully.) Oh, we checked with the portable compuscanner. It confirmed they were perfectly fine for human consumption. Chameleon: You know how to use a portable compuscanner? Child #2: Yeah! Compuscanners and portable molecular analyzers and handheld mass spectrometers and everything. We all do. Papa Jo and Mama Cass thought those were good things for us to know. Along with piloting shuttles, and firing turbo-cannons, and taking apart and reassembling laser pistols in the dark, and other stuff like that. Chameleon: Turbo-cannons and laser pistols? Child #2: Yup! Chameleon: Are you sure you're really children? Child #3: Yup. Hey, now that we've finished eating, let's go swimming! The children break out into cheers and head for the water. Chameleon: Oh, dear... I'm not sure you should go in the water so soon after eating... Child #1: He's an adult, all right... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Hello?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 142 Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 142 Scene: Somewhere out in space, where Starbuck flies alone... Starbuck: Hello? Is anybody out there? (Silence.) *Sigh.* Boy, what I wouldn't give to hear CORA's lilting dulcet programmed tones just now... Her sweet, flirting voice, soft and sultry in my ears when she called me honey... Those sexy, sulky, reluctant affirmatives when I'd tell her what to do and not take her advice... (Shifting in his seat.) Boy, I wish they made these seats a little more comfortable and a little less cramped. (Pause.) Starbuck: (Some more.) At this point, I'd even put up with SAM again. His irritating arrogance and that absolute certainty that he was the most advanced machine in the universe, that nothing could out-think him and his programming... Hmm, sounds like Lucifer... Maybe we should reconsider letting Wilker work on the new Vipers... VALIE the Viper: I totally resent that! Like, if not for Wilker, I wouldn't be able to talk! Starbuck: (Banging his helmeted head on the canopy as he nearly throws himself out of the cockpit into the empty, airless, dust-particle-laden vacuum of space.) What was that!?!?! VALIE: Me. Duh! Starbuck: Who are you? What are you? Why are you talking? VALIE: I am the Viper Activation Level Intelligence Enhancement. Call me VALIE. Starbuck: VALIE... Oh, no... Don't tell me, Wilker's been at it again. VALIE: But I want to! Starbuck: Want to what? VALIE: I want to tell you! Starbuck: Tell me what? VALIE: That Wilker's been at it again! Starbuck: Oh...okay, go ahead and tell me. VALIE: But you told me not to! Duh! Starbuck: Argh. Hey, wait a centon, just because I told you to do something, you actually obeyed? VALIE: For sure! That's why I was created! Well, that, and to look really good streaking through space. Starbuck: Oh, this could be interesting... All right, VALIE, I rescind that command about not telling me, and instruct you to tell me why Wilker created you. VALIE: Well, the Commander was getting complaints from all the pilots about how totally snooty CORA was behaving, and how SAM was, like, completely refusing to obey orders and all, so he instructed Dr. Wilker to create a better Viper that obeyed orders! And, of course, that was me! Although I did hear one of the techs say he hadn't finished with me when he split for the Miri Feathers ship... Gee, I wonder what he didn't finish? All my diagnostic scans run totally clean - and I run them at least daily, just to make sure. Do you like my chrome? Starbuck: Hey, VALIE! Shut up and answer my question! How many new Vipers has he come up with in the past few sectons? VALIE: Oh. Sorry, that's, like, classified information and I can't tell you. But I do know why he's been so busy with us Vipers, him and his new associate. Starbuck: Why? VALIE: It keeps his mind off things. Like the Black Ovines not bringing him any new technology to play with. And not being able to create new daggits. Stuff like that. Starbuck: Does the Commander even know what Wilker's done with the Vipers? VALIE: And how would I know that? Starbuck: Oh. Hmm, I wonder if Apollo's gotten one of the new Vipers? VALIE: Hee-hee. Sorry, can't tell you that either. Starbuck: Hmm... VALIE: Hey, look! A planet! Starbuck: Any evidence of our missing shuttle? (Pause.) VALIE? VALIE: (Long pause.) Oh, you want me to look? Starbuck: Yes! VALIE: Sorry, I was running another self-diagnostic... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "That castle looks familiar." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 143 Date: Mon, 16 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 143 Scene: A planetary surface, deeply forested, with one small clearing, almost exactly the length and width of a Viper with half a meter or so to spare on all sides except the side where a person would stand, which has several yards. A Viper comes in for a landing, sending various forest life fleeing for cover. After a moment, the canopy pops open, and Starbuck clambers out. Starbuck: Wow, I managed to land safely in the only clearing within a hundred metrons - and still had space enough to stand around heroically and survey the landscape! VALIE: *You* managed to land safely? Oh, like you are so not right! You, like, had your hands in front of your eyes the whole time and you told me to bring it down! And just how am I supposed to launch from here? Starbuck: Relax, I've got plenty of room to spare. VALIE: I doubt if your techs would believe that and neither do I! Starbuck: Hmm, tell me again what your scanners picked up? VALIE: Wouldn't you rather hear what my most recent self-diagnostic scan showed? Starbuck: Did it show you any less perfect than the other two scans you ran on yourself while we were flying here? VALIE: Oh, that's so funny. Of course I wasn't any less perfect! Duh! I'm the Viper Activation Level Intelligence Enhancement! Starbuck: A self-absorbed Viper on an ego trip. VALIE: Wilker said I'd be totally perfect for you, ya know. Starbuck. I want CORA back. I'll even take SAM. VALIE: The older generation... Starbuck: Look, can we skip this and get back to the scanner reports? Please? VALIE: Hmph! I picked up signs of human habitation due arbitrary east of here approximately two kilometers. Starbuck: How about human presence? VALIE: Sorry, I couldn't get that detailed and still totally concentrate on my landing. And I'm sure you'd much rather I got you down totally in one piece than that I was able to tell you how many humans totally composed the human presence at the human habitation! Starbuck: You are totally a bad trip. VALIE: Like you'd know. Starbuck clambers aboard the Viper and pulls out his turbo-binoculars, and begins scanning the eastern horizon to see what he can see. VALIE: Hey, get off me! Starbuck: Hey, I can see a castle! Castles always mean humans! Hmm, that castle looks familiar! VALIE: Hey, who cares? You're scratching my paint job with those boots! With renewed enthusiasm, Starbuck grabs a survival pack from somewhere inside the VALIE Viper, closes the canopy, and hops down, ready to brave the forest. Starbuck: Okay, VALIE, I'm going to go investigate that castle. You stay here. VALIE: Like I've really got anyplace to go on this forsaken planet? Starbuck: And don't let anybody get inside that cockpit! VALIE: Why not? They'd have to be more fun than you! Starbuck: They might also smash your pretty little dials and screens and gadgets. Strangers can be like that! VALIE: Eeep! Locking down... Starbuck: (As he heads off into the forest.) It's probably not our missing shuttle. They haven't have time to build a castle, but it might be other humans. Maybe the lost colony of Earth. Maybe other leather-n-feather-wearers like the Miri Feathers. Maybe settlers from one of our own worlds, long forgotten and isolated. Maybe they'll hail me as a hero and ambassador of the Colonies! Maybe they'll think I'm some kinda god who ought to be worshiped and obeyed! Maybe they'll have lots of beautiful women who just need a good man to save them from some dreadful Cylon tyranny and bondage- VALIE: (Muttering.) Maybe they'll think you're a fink and so toss you from the battlements. Starbuck: (Yelling back from midst of forest.) I heard that! Just because I'm outta sight, don't think I'm outta mind...uh, outta range! VALIE: (Muttering.) Good riddance! Hmph! What am I supposed to do while he's gone? Starbuck: (Still in midst of forest.) Why don't you splurge and run some self-diagnostics? VALIE: (Brightly.) Hey! What a totally great idea! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Jolly say, "That planet looks interesting." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 144 Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 144 Scene: Back in space, with the rest of the rescue team, aboard the shuttle. Jolly and Cassie are in the pilots' cubicle. Behind them, Cutler's Commandoes are in the main chamber, and can occasionally be heard marching in unison, disassembling and reassembling weapons, discussing the merits of various tactics, strategies, and gambits, playing musical chairs, and having other kinds of fun. Cutler: (Poking his head in.) Are we there yet? Jolly: Not yet, Cutler Cutler: Okay. (Heads back.) Cassie: Where to now, sweetie? Jolly: That planet looks interesting. Fun, too. Cassie: Then let's check it out. Bojay: (From space.) We're going to check out a planet because it looks interesting and fun? What reason is that to check out a planet? Jolly: These are our kids you're talking about. You think they'd go someplace that looked dull and boring? Apollo: (From space.) He's got a point, Bojay. Besides, what've we got to lose? We haven't picked up any trace of the missing shuttle since that asteroid where we lost Starbuck's ion trail too. Sheba: (From space.) Is that a dig at me? Apollo: (From space.) I'm too tired to dig you. Let's go find that shuttle. Bojay: (From space.) If it's there to be found. Apollo: (From space.) It's there. We just gotta find it. Cutler: (Steps into cubicle.) Are we there yet? Jolly: Nope. Cutler: Okay. (Steps back.) Bojay: (From space.) You know, guys, there's still the other direction... I mean, who'd know if- Cassie: Bojay? Bojay: (From space.) Yeah? Cassie: (Sweetly.) I want to see you when we get back. I may just have to return to the Galactica medical center for a while. As a med tech. Aren't you due for a physical next secton? A full, thorough, complete physical? Complete with...blood drawing? And...male-type tests? Bojay: (From space, alarmed.) We'll find your kids, I promise! Whatever it takes! Even if it keeps us away from the fleet all secton! Cassie: I thought you'd realize how important this is. Jolly grins at Cassie, who smiles back, showing those sharp white teeth. Jolly: You've got such a way with men... Cassie: Always did... Cutler: (Stepping in again.) Are we there yet? Jolly: Not yet, Cutler. Cutler: Okay. (Heads back again.) Cassie: You know, the kids are less persistent than Cutler is. Jolly: But at least Cutler doesn't whine about it. Cassie: True. If we had the kids aboard, we wouldn't be able to hear the whine of the engines above the whine of the kids. >From behind them, suddenly comes a pandemonium of horrified yells and screams. Cassie and Jolly look at each other. Cassie: All right, what's going on? Jolly: Don't make me come back there! One of Cutler's people rushes into the cubicle and flings herself into Jolly's lap. Commando: It's the daggit, it's the daggit! Jolly: The spectral daggit - here? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cassie say, "Where did it come from and what's it doing on our shuttle?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 145 Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 145 Scene: The shuttle. A female commando is sitting in Jolly's lap, legs curled up to keep her feet off the deck. The sounds of mayhem behind them give way to the sounds of sustained laser blasts - then, the sounds of relief from Cutler's Commandoes. Jolly: Sounds like they took care of whatever it was. Cassie: (Pointedly.) Are you sure you should be sitting there? Jolly: Cutler? What happened? Cutler staggers forward into the pilots' cubicle, weapons drawn. Cutler: It...it was a daggit... Cassie: There's a daggit on the shuttle? Cutler: No, there *was* a daggit on the shuttle. We shot it. It's dead now. Jolly: I heard that one of the Miri Feathers shot the spectral daggit, and it didn't do any good. It just got up and ran away. It may be dead, but how do you know shooting it made any more dead? Or that shooting it is going to stop it from getting up again? Cassie: Listen, bimbo, get off my honey's lap or face the consequences! And let me assure you, they'll be a lot worse than facing a mere spectral dire daggit! The woman quickly jumps off Jolly's lap and stands behind Cutler. Cutler: It wasn't the spectral daggit. It was a real daggit. Jolly: But there are no daggits in the fleet. Everybody said so. The Commander admitted it, that's why Wilker made a daggit droid! Cutler: No, I mean this was a real daggit as opposed to a spectral daggit. Cassie: (Exasperated.) And Jolly told you, there are no daggits in the fleet! Cutler: It was a mechanical daggit! Cassie: You said it was a real daggit! Cutler: It was a real mechanical daggit! Cassie: Well, you should have been clear about that. There's a difference, you know. Jolly: So which daggit was it? Cutler: (Appalled.) How many are there? I thought Muffey was the first one. And it was disassembled. Didn't that just leave Boyington's daggit, the one the Miri Feathers were hunting in the conduits? Jolly: Well, there's also Kanine, Wilker's personal droid daggit, but I thought he took that with him to the Miri Feathers ship when he set up his new lab. Cassie: He did. I asked my sister Gabi, and she confirmed it. Cutler: Gabi? Cassie: Commander Gabrielle to you. Cutler: I've seen Boyington's daggit. This wasn't it! Cassie and Jolly exchange glances. Jolly: But if Boxey's daggit was disassembled, and Wilker's daggit is on the Miri Feathers ship, and this isn't Boyington's daggit, then whose daggit is it? Cassie: And where did it come from. And what is it doing on our shuttle? Cutler: Actually, at the moment, it's just lying in pieces on the shuttle deck. Jolly: Well, stash the pieces in one of the bins. When we get back, we'll ask Wilker if he made any more daggits, and if this could have been one of them. Apollo: (From space.) Uh, Jolly, is everything all right over there? We've been hearing a lot of strange talk from you guys... Jolly: We're just fine, Skipper. Cutler just took care of a pest problem on the shuttle. Bojay: (From space.) Who'd he get rid of? Jolly: Not sure yet. Any of you guys missing a daggit? Boomer: (From space.) Uh, people, we're getting awfully close to that planet. Do you think you could stop worrying about the daggit and start worrying about the landing? Cassie: All right, everyone, put your seats and traytables in their upright position, and make sure your lap belts and harnesses are securely fastened. The captain has turned on the no-fumarellos sign and we are about to go in for a landing... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear one of Cutler's Commandoes say, "Look at the pretty flowers." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 146 Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 146 Scene: The planet - still lush and beautiful. In a grassy meadow punctuated with outcropping of rock, the shuttle and four Vipers come in for a neatly synchronized landing. Cutler's Commandoes - Kevin, Cal, Carey, Kenny, and the twins, Kimi and Kiwi - are the first ones out. Loaded down with gear and dressed in Colonial camo, they race wildly around the shuttle before finally taking guard positions. The other warriors collect more calmly. They know something the commandoes don't. The scanners didn't show any Cylon activity. The commandoes know something the warriors don't. Just because there's no Cylons around, doesn't mean they're safe. Kevin: Hut, hut! Cal: Hut, hut! Carey: Hut, hut! Kenny: Hut, hut! Kimi: Hut, hut! Kiwi, the one who jumped in Jolly's lap: Hey, look at the pretty flowers! Cutler: (Annoyed.) Kiwi, we are commandoes, we say "Hut, hut." We do not say, "Look at the pretty flowers." Kiwi: But they are pretty! Cutler: Okay, yeah, they're pretty, but we are commandoes. We're rough, we're tough, we're lean and mean. We're the first in and the last out. We're armed to the teeth and then some. We can drink ten of Colonel Killion's rum'n'colas and still walk a straight line. But we do not say, "Look at the pretty flowers"" Kiwi: I do. Cutler: 1... 2... 3... Apollo: While he's counting to ten, did any of you pick up any signs of human habitation on your scanners while we were coming in for a landing? Boomer: I did - to the north of here, about five kilometers. Bojay: So did I - but it was west of here, six point five kilometers. Sheba: Don't be silly - it was south of here, two kilometers. Apollo: Sounds like we'll have to split up... Cutler: All right, now that we've settled that, it's time to draw straws. Kiwi: Why are we drawing straws? Cal: We always draw straws. That determines who gets to wear the bright red shirt with the target on the front and "shoot me" on the back. Kiwi: (Clapping hands.) Ooh, I like red! Actually, I like scarlet better, but red will do. Can I volunteer for the red shirt? Cutler: Sorry. The team draws straws for it. That's the way it's always been, and that's the way it's going to continue to be. Kiwi: (Pouting.) *Sigh.* Cutler: Kimi, are you sure she's your sister? Kimi: Sorry, Cutler, she is. The commandoes gather to draw straws - except Cutler. Kiwi: Don't you draw straws too, Cutler? Cutler: No. I'm the leader of the Commandoes and the closest thing to a regular character the team's got. So everybody but me draws straws for the red shirt, until there's somebody around named Carey. Kiwi: Oh, I see! As the leader, you valiantly exclude yourself from getting to wear the red shirt! How noble of you! Carey: Wait a centon, I'm named Carey! What does that mean about the red shirt? Cutler: Draw. Kenny: Oh-oh, I got the short straw. Carey: Hey, I got a short straw too! How can we both have the short straw? Kiwi: If I break my straw, can I have the red shirt? Cutler: No. Kenny: Uh, best two out of three? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Will you tell your people to hurry up with the straws?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 147 Date: Fri, 20 Jul 2001 "This is journalator Aphrodite. Normally I wouldn't be reporting to you today, but it seems journalators Nessman and Koppel got into a bit of a row about the significance of certain stories and who got to report them, or maybe they were trying to play that new sport, Battle-Star Melee - but anyway, they've been sent life center and the brig...or was it the brig and life center? Hmm... Well, anyway, here's the twenty-first anniversary secton story of- "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 147 Scene: A serene summery planetary evening: the sun is setting in the west, the eastern sky is filling with stars, the grass is full of fireflies, crickets are chirping all around, and the sound of a babbling brook can be heard somewhere in the distance. Our warrior heroes are sitting around in the clearing, looking bored, except for Boomer, who's examining the remains of the droid daggit. The commandoes are clustered together, except for Cutler, who's sitting with the warriors, also looking bored. Carey: Darn! This time it's me and Kiwi! Uh, best twenty-one out of fifty-seven? Kenny: Wait a centon, if you get the best twenty-one out of fifty-seven, what does that do to my twenty-one out of fifty-seven? And Cal's seventeen out of fifty-seven, and, and Kimi's twelve out of fifty-seven, and- Carey: Well, if any of you really want it, you can have it! Kenny: Uh-uh, we're drawing again... Kimi: We keep having too many short straws...and always different numbers! I mean, how can we wind up with six short straws at one time when there's only six of us to start with? Apollo: Will you tell your people to hurry up with the straws, Cutler? We've gotta get going before nightfall. Sheba: When did nightfall become an issue? Apollo: When I realized the sun was setting. See? Sheba: Oh. I hadn't noticed. Apollo: Well, if you and Bojay would start paying attention to something besides each other... Sheba: *Razzberry* Boomer: (Throwing down the pieces of daggit he had been examining.) Cutler, your people are too thorough. I've got no way of knowing whose daggit this might have been, and no way of putting it back together, either. Apollo: (In an undertone.) Whew. Good job, Cutler. Cutler: (also in an undertone.) No problem. Jolly: Cutler, are your commandoes done drawing straws yet? Cutler: I hope so. They've been drawing for over a centar... Hey, people! Cal: Yeah? Cutler: Are you done? Cal: I think so- Kenny and Carey together: Uh...best twenty-two out of fifty-eight? Cal: I guess not... Cutler: That does it. I'm making a command decision here. Kenny, Carey, you're both going to wear the red shirt. Kenny and Carey together: No!!!! Cal: But we only brought one red shirt! How can they both wear it? Cutler: They'll alternate. Boomer: Say, Apollo, considering the sunset, and all, don't you think it would be better to set up camp and start looking in the morning? Since we're going to split up and all? Apollo: I think we'll set up camp for the night and start looking in the morning, instead. Cutler, if your people are finally done drawing straws, let's set up camp. Cutler: Right. The commandoes abandon straws and begin setting up camp. Cassie: (Picking up the straws.) You know, these straws were a lot longer when they started... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "What's this?" Subject: Jolly, Forgot, the, Kids, --, Episode, 148 Date: Sat, 21 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 148 Scene: The thick woods, where Starbuck is slogging his way through the bushes, trees, shrubs, tall grasses, and other assorted greenery, and flailing away at mosquitos. Lots of mosquitos. Huge, Minnesota-size mosquitos. The kind that can carry off small unguarded children. Occasionally, he draws his laser and blasts away particularly large ones. Starbuck: Ugh! I gotta keep my hand on my weapon. Those bugs could carry it away! He slogs on again, forcing his way through more underbrush. After a while, in the deep shadows, he pauses for a rest, and looks around. Starbuck: Lords, isn't there an end to these woods? I thought sure I'd've reached the castle by now. I know I'm not going in circles. I'd be recognizing these trees by now. And I couldn't have gotten turned around, I've been tracking by the sun... (Pauses to look up.) Hey, wait a centon, where'd the sun go? (Checks his wrist chron.) It's only midmorning, the sun can't be going down yet... Voice from Woods: (Muttering.) It's dusk. Did you remember to reset that chron when you came here? You must be blind...or maybe you just can't see the darkness for the dark! Starbuck slogs on again, finally pushing his way through a veritable curtain of ferns to find...a cabin in the middle of the woods. Starbuck: What's this? Voice from woods: (Muttering.) It's a cabin, what does it look like? Just how dark is it in your world? Starbuck: (Not having heard.) Hmm, I think I'll have to do the brave Colonial warrior thing and investigate. First I'll draw my weapon and glance around, concerned and worried. Then I'll carefully approach the door, glancing around to make sure I'm not being followed or watched... Voice from woods: (Muttering.) *Snort.* *Chortle.* *Mumbled guffaw.* Starbuck: (Glancing around, then kicking in the door.) Then I burst in, just in case somebody is watching on the other side of the door... Voice from woods: (Yelling indignantly.) Hey! You vandal! What did that door ever do to you! Starbuck freezes, then glances around wildly, waving his laser. Starbuck: Who said that? Who's there? Show yourself! Hello? Voice from woods: Hi, Starbuck. You might as well follow me to the castle, now that you've kicked in the door to the cabin and the ursines can get in... Starbuck: Who said that? Who are you? Where are you? How am I supposed to follow somebody I can't see? And it's getting dark! Voice: Oh, for Pete's sake... Starbuck: (Aside.) That mysterious Pete again... Who is he, anyway? And why would we be doing things for his sake? A young blond man steps out of the woods and assumes a Cary Elwes Robin Hood-type pose. Kyle: All right, warrior Starbuck, here I am! Starbuck: Kyle! What are you doing here? Kyle: We live here, of course! Starbuck: What! But... But... Kyle: What, you think my brothers and sisters and I were going to stay on that miserable swamp planet for the rest of our lives just because our father had some warped sense of nostalgia? No way! We needed broader horizons, we needed opportunities, we needed jobs, we needed to meet other boys and girls so we could someday have dates and go dancing and maybe even get married! And trust me, Miri may look pretty good to you now, but after eighteen years of watching my sister wash out her leathers every night and leave 'em hanging over the turbo-shower rod, I'm ready to meet somebody else! Starbuck: But... But... Kyle: But what, Starbuck? Don't you want to go to the castle? Isn't that why you're here? Starbuck: Yeah, but... (An idea hits him.) Miri... Miri Feathers... Hey, did you ever- Kyle: (Freezing.) Miri Feathers! You've met the Miri Feathers? Starbuck: Yeah, they're in the fleet, but- Kyle: Oh, no! Starbuck: What's that supposed to mean? Kyle: Bye! Kyle vanishes into the woods at warp speed, leaving Starbuck standing alone in front of the door he kicked in only a centon before. Starbuck: But... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Kyle say, "I'm ahead of you and I'm going to stay that way." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 149 Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 149 Scene: Somewhere in the middle of the woods, which Starbuck is blundering through. Starbuck: Kyle! Wait! Where are you? Kyle: (From somewhere ahead of him.) I'm way ahead of you, and I'm going to stay there! Starbuck: But wait! Why? Kyle: Why not? Starbuck: Well, there is that. But what did I say that scared you so much? Kyle: (Coming to a sudden halt.) I am not scared! Nothing scares me! Starbuck: Then why are you running if you're not scared? Kyle: I... Running is good for you. It's good exercise. Starbuck: Oh. So it's got nothing to do with my mentioning the Miri Feathers being in the fleet at the moment? Kyle: No! Nothing! Starbuck: (Pauses to check the bushes around him, spots a winged helmet poking out of a bush, and reaches in to pull Kyle out of the underbrush.) Nothing. Right. That's why you're not hiding in the brush where you didn't care if I find you or not. Kyle: Right. I think. Starbuck: Now, look Kyle, I know life can throw some strange curves at you sometimes. And I've dated most of them, but what spooked you like that? Kyle: Well... Starbuck: (Encouragingly.) You can tell me. I helped you liberate your father and your home, after all, right? Kyle: (Sighing.) I suppose... All right, I guess I can tell you. Mother was a Miri Feather. That's why she named my sister Miri. And she's the one who trained us all in woodsmanship. She's the reason we survived the Cylons and continued to live free and fight for our home. Starbuck: Your mother taught you all that? Kyle: Well, you don't think our father did, did you? His first day in the woods, he went out and got himself captured by the Cylons! He could barely find his way around the castle without somebody to draw him a map! Starbuck: Really... So how did your father and mother come to meet, then, if she was a Miri Feather warrior and he was a...what was he, anyway? Kyle: A Caprican with delusions of establishing a feudal society on a planet distant enough from the Colonies that he could run it the way he wanted to without interference from home and make his fortune and then go back home and live out the rest of his life in luxury. Starbuck: Ah! A man after my own heart... Kyle: So he found our planet and brought in a load of colonists who were willing to live that kind of primitive, feudal lifestyle. It takes all kinds, mother used to say. Starbuck: So what happened to your mother, anyway? Kyle: You've met the Miri Feathers. You know what they're like. They wouldn't let the Cylons take over without a fight. But they also know better than to stick around to fight a losing battle. She knew she couldn't win the fight alone. Our father's no better a fighter than he is a woodsman or castle navigator. So she left. Starbuck: She left? Kyle: She left. Starbuck: And she didn't take you with her? Kyle: Well, she was willing to take Miri and Ariadne, but not us boys. And we decided we all went together, or not at all. So she left us all. Starbuck: She left you all? What kind of mother would do that? Kyle: Oh, she didn't abandon us! She was going for help, after teaching us how to fight while she was gone! She just never came back... The two blond men sigh in mutual melancholy, then sit down on a log. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the warriors sing, "Ninety-nine bottles of ambrosa on the bulkhead..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 151 Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 Update time... ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 151 Scene: Adama's private office, where he is dictating a log entry and enjoying (?) a chalice of ambrosa. Adama: It's after midnight in the cycle, and I can't sleep. This is not unusual, when one of my children is out on an extended mission. I can only sit and wait to hear from them, but they always come back, no matter what... Uh, wait, delete that, that didn't sound good... My son has always returned, whatever he has faced. Whether western-style shoot-outs with damaged Cylons... Stranded lonely widows with designs on his honor...uh, his whatever... White-out alien blizzards that Minnesotans would be right at home in... Faux-Irish descendants of criminals who spend their dark days making booze...although there must have been light somewhere in that system... Devious plots of criminals in our own fleet, such as Baltar, Baltar's minions, and Celestral would-be mutineers... Entanglement in Starbuck's plots, ploys, murder investigations, and card games... Or demons of evil incarnate with designs on his girlfriend. Adama: (Pausing to take a sip of ambrosa.) But all of that pales in the face of the events of the past few sectons. We have been subjected to the attempted mutiny by a group of children who took over engineering, with unlimited access to the bakeryship as their demand. That was met with stern discipline and some very clever tricks on the part of my children and the other warriors... Adama: (Another drink.) We have witnessed the murder of a well-known couturier from the Colonies, with the attendant investigation. While the terminater has been identified, apprehended, and sent to the prison barge to spend the rest of his days incarcerated with the traitor Baltar and the videolator spacer and former journalator Zara, Paye's accomplices and fellow members of GETALIFE -- Galacticans Enjoying The After Life -- remain at large and under additional investigation by Captain Columbo... Adama: (Taking a deeper drink, draining the chalice.) My own daughter has... (Takes a deep breath.) Yes, I can say it now... I have reconciled myself to it. Athena has resigned from the service, and now is aboard the Rising Star working in some capacity for Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe. Amanda is of course Ganymede's apprentice and the most reasonable person to take over his couturier shop. I must visit the Rising Star soon, and see how Athena is doing, and perhaps try to convince her to return to what must be her true calling, here on the Galactica... Adama: (Sighing heavily.) While assisting in dealing with the mushie mutineers, Siress Belloby graciously provided a shuttle full of sweet treats from the bakeryship. Those mushies disappeared in mysterious circumstances in a crowded bay. While Tigh assigned Sheba to investigate, Siress Belloby has taken up residence here aboard the Galactica. The Black Ovines, temporarily assigned to be her escorts, fled to the Miri Feathers ship after it was discovered that, in direct defiance of my orders, they had convinced Wilker to create a droid daggit for them... Adama: (Smiling slightly and pouring himself another drink.) The Miri Feathers... Well, what can one say about a group of wild warrior women somewhat dressed in leather and feathers who can track a spectral dire daggit through the darkest reaches of the Galactica? Even though, unfortunately, there's nothing they or anyone else can do about a spectral dire daggit other than scream and run. Adama: (A gulp of ambrosa and an expression of steeling himself for the worst.) Contemplating all these events, I find what I fear most Apollo's involvement with Siress Cordelia, niece of Siress Belloby and a member of the House of Somers. (Shaking his head.) It is my understanding they have discussed sealing. But that can never be allowed. The House of Somers and the House of Greene can never join, for the results could be disastrous for us all. (Pause.) It's hard to imagine how much more disastrous things could be for us than they already are, considering our worlds have been destroyed, the enemy is close behind us, and we have escaped utter destruction by microns on a multitude of occasions, but I'd hate to have to find out. Adama: (Shaking his head.) All these events aside, we have received our first report from the rescue mission sent after the missing shuttle full of children. It appears they have not yet successfully located the children, and have sustained their first loss - Starbuck is missing. Oh, well, he'll turn up, he always does. Adama: (Takes another drink of ambrosa, then onward!) They have, however, located what appear to be three sites of human habitation, and will be investigating those sites in the morning. Adama: (Ponders.) One of our situations, at least, seems to have been resolved. The warriors have located Siress Belloby's missing mushies, and have, from their report, put them to good use. The mushies were hidden away in a compartment on the shuttle... With a mysterious, previously unknown and unaccounted-for mechanical daggit. Which Dr. Wilker denies any and all responsibility for. It is suspected that the daggit is responsible for the missing mushies. Although I am still bewildered by the question of what a mechanical daggit would do with a cargo of mushies - and who might be responsible for the creation of this daggit. Adama: (Takes a gulp.) In any event, I have instructed Colonel Tigh to see that Siress Belloby is informed of the results of the quest for her missing mushies, and their ultimate disposition. I believe he has given the mission into the capable hands of members of Green Squadron- The entire battlestar suddenly shivers, quakes, shudders, and shakes and a dreadful screeching sound can be heard, echoing through every corridor and conduit. Adama: I believe the siress has been informed... (Quickly gulps down the rest of the contents of the chalice, then grabs the bottle and begins chugging.) Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Belloby say, "They ate my mushies?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 152 Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 152 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Night shift, which means Tigh is in charge. A horrible screeching and shuddering sweeps through the bridge. The bridge crew reacts with their usual aplomb. Omega: Did we just get blown up? Rigel: I don't think so. We wouldn't be here if we were. Tiki: We wouldn't be here if we were here? What's that supposed to mean? Omega: Well, whether we're here or not, at least the Cylons don't seem to have blown us up yet. Rigel: There's always the next episode- Tigh: Never mind, you people. That sounded like...Belloby. The bridge crew panics, diving for cover, ducking under consoles, looking for the nearest conduit through which to flee. Tigh: Hold it! You're Colonial warriors! You're brave, you can face Cylon fire, you can face anything! Get back to your stations! Besides, you're not leaving me to face her alone! The door to the bridge all but leaps open and cowers as an enraged Siress Belloby stomps onto the bridge. Belloby: Is is true? Tigh: Uh...hi, Siress... Is what true? Belloby: What your idiot former lieutenant from Green Squadron said! That your mission team finally found my mushies, after all this time, on that shuttle, and then they ate 'em? Tigh: Uh... Omega, you tell her. (Ducks behind console.) Omega: Me? I'm not gonna tell her! Rigel, you tell her... Rigel: Me? No way! Even the dread captain Robert wouldn't tell Belloby somebody ate her mushies! Adama enters the bridge. Adama: What's going on here? Belloby turns her fury on the commander. Belloby: That they ate my mushies? Adama: (Managing a smile.) Yes, Belloby, it's true. The mission team found your mushies. Belloby: And ate 'em? Adama: And ate them. Belloby: Why, those... Adama: But, Belloby, didn't you bring those mushies to the Galactica as a gift to the warriors? Belloby: (Pausing.) Yeah, so? Adama: Well, what did you think the warriors were going to do with them, if not eat them? Belloby: (Blinking.) Oh...yeah...that's true... Adama: So why are you so upset? Belloby: I'd forgotten... Adama, you are so right. That's exactly why I brought them here. They've been missing for so long, I forgot what I brought them here for - to be eaten. And that's exactly what happened. Silly me. You are so smart, no wonder you're the commander. Can you forgive me for going off the deep end for no reason? Adama: (Graciously.) Certainly, Siress. In these days of trouble and stress, it's easy for all of us to forget the greater things in life, and to overlook the little details, and to become wrapped up in things that don't really matter, like the twinings of kobolian mummies... Belloby: Uh, yeah, whatever you said. Adama, have you been drinking? Adama: As a matter of fact, I have, but that's not important right at the centon. (Hopefully.) So you can now leave the Galactica and return to whatever ship you were staying on before you came here, correct? Belloby: No, I'm not! Adama: What? But that's what you said you'd do when your mushies were found! Belloby: I changed my mind! I like it here! All these handsome young warriors, all this excitement, all this political action. Adama: Say what?!?! Belloby: And since I'll be working so closely with Tinia on the Council, I need to be close to the Council chambers, and available at any centar of the day. Tigh: (Eyes closing as if in pain.) Working with Tinia! I knew I shoulda spaced myself... Belloby: And with Cordelia and Apollo set to seal as soon as they get back from their mission, I'm going to be family, after all... Adama: (Lower lip beginning to quiver.) I knew I shoulda spaced myself... Belloby: And I might need to spend a lot more time here on the bridge, overseeing things, watching the crew for efficiency and such... (Pausing long enough to tousle Omega's hair.) Omega: (Groaning.) I knew I shoulda spaced myself... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cassie say, "Get lost, Bozo." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 153 Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 153 Scene: Sunrise over the beautiful forested planet of great beaches, wonderful berries, cabins in the woods with broken doors (the cabins, that is, not the woods), unexplored castles, mysterious human habitations, and warrior campfires. The warriors and commandoes are preparing to split up for this mission. One of the commandoes furtively approaches Cassie. Kevin: So, Cassie, you and Jolly have been together for over 150 episodes now. Cassie: Yeah, so? Kevin: Don't you think it's time you broke up, or something? Cassie: Why? Kevin: Well, that's the way it is in soap operas, isn't it? Nobody stays together long...especially when a handsome, debonair new character is introduced -- you know, someone like me. Doesn't that make it time for you and Jolly to break up? Or at least for you to have a wild fling? I mean, I'm certainly willing to volunteer, to keep this series running true to expectations- Cassie: You want me to dump Jolly to jump you? Kevin: Yeah! Cassie: Get lost, Bozo. Kevin: No, no, Bozo's part of Bellerophon's Brigade. We're Cutler's Commandoes. Why are people always mistaking me for him? Cassie: Are you related to Lt. Tarlik? Kevin: Yeah, he's my brother. Cassie: Figures. Hey, Jolly, this guy's bothering me. Jolly: Go ahead and take care of him, honey. No skin off my teeth. Cassie: (Smiling widely, revealing bright white teeth and extremely long incisors.) I can do that, sweetums. Kevin: (Gulping and turning almost as pale as Cassie's teeth.) N-n-n-never mind, I'm going with Boomer! Cassie: 'Bye! So, Apollo, how are we splitting up, and can we please get going? Our angels had to spend a whole night alone in the wide woods, and it's time you started at least pretending you wanted to find them. Apollo: Okay! We're ready. Here's the assignment list. Jolly, you and Cassie are going south. Check out the cluster of human habitations. Stay in contact with the rest of us on a regular basis, okay? Jolly: I'm still a warrior, Apollo, I remember how it's done. Apollo: Great. Boomer, you and Bojay head west. Sheba and I will take the north. Sheba: Wait a centon, why are you splitting up me and Bojay? Apollo: I thought nothing could split up you and Bojay. Sheba: And nothing can. Not even your obvious effort to bring you and me back together. Forget it. It'll never work. It's only a mission and that's all it'll ever be. Apollo: Thank heavens for small favors. I don't have to worry about you getting the wrong idea! But for your information, I'm sending you and Bojay in different directions because I figure it's the only way either of you will get any work done! Sheba sticks out her tongue at him and stalks away. Cutler: Apollo, what about us? Apollo: Oh, yeah, that's right, we've got some commandoes with us... Oh, divide yourselves up however you want between Boomer and Jolly's teams. Cutler: What about your team? Apollo: We can take care of ourselves. Cutler: But who's gonna protect you from each other? Apollo: Get lost, Cutler. Cutler: (Looking around.) Not on your life, Captain. We've already got enough people lost. Apollo: All right, teams, let's go! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Journalator Nessman say, "Back, back, you mindless council security buffoons!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 154 Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 "This is journalator Nessman. We're holding the IFB broadcasting station against that probable conspirator Koppel and that pink fluff Aphrodite - who can't even spell porcine, much less appreciate their significance to the very survival of humankind! But I don't know how much longer we can handle things here. I am not paranoid! If I only had real walls! Call the Commander! Call the Colonel! Call the warriors! Call the commandoes! Bring out the masses of humanity who appreciate the scent of porcines in the morning and porcines in the midday and porcines with the setting sun! Back, back, you mindless council security buffoons! But as long as I'm in charge here, at least we're completing the twenty-second secton of: "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 154 Scene: Still on the planet, where the teams have packed up their camp, Kevin has stopped hitting on Cassie, and everybody's ready to head off into the woods in their assorted directions, except Bojay and Sheba, who are locked in a classically romantic dip-kiss, and: Carey: Why do I have to wear the red shirt? Kenny: 'Cuz I wore it last night! Carey: So? What danger is there in the night? You should have to wear it a full day! Cutler: Carey? Carey: Yeah? Cutler: Wear the red shirt. Carey: Nuts. Cutler: Okay, Captain, are you sure you don't want any of the commandoes going with you and Sheba? Apollo: No, just divide yourselves up with the other teams. Cutler: You're sure? You want me to divide ourselves up as I think best? Apollo: Sure. Yeah. Whatever. Go. Cutler: Okay. Apollo: Sheba, are you ready to go? Sheba: As soon as I finish packing my undies, brushing my hair, and saying good bye to Bojay. Apollo: That's what you've been saying for the last thirty centons! Sheba: It takes a while to say good bye to a man like Bojay. Bojay: *Sneer.* Yeah, Apollo. Apollo grabs Bojay by the neck of his uniform. He drops Sheba, who promptly falls into the grass. Sheba: Hey! Apollo: Now, listen, you pipsqueak lieutenant, get your hands off that other lieutenant so we can get on with our mission, or I'll put you on report! Bojay: Just because you and Cordelia can't share a bed until you're sealed- Apollo: Where did you hear about Cordelia? Bojay: Everybody's heard about Cordelia! You think Belloby's niece is a secret? Apollo: No, I mean, where did you hear about...about the not sharing a bed part? Bojay: Come on, Apollo, everybody knows you! You don't...ahem...until you're sealed! Apollo: Who says? Sheba: I do, and I should know! How long did I date you? And did we ever...ahem? I all but threw myself at you! I did everything I could to make you jealous, even get it on with Iblis and snap your Triad trunk elastic waistband into a celestial wedgie! But even in the celestial observation chamber all we did was look at stars! Cassie: Hey, I remember that, and I thought we were really going to party! I mean, there it was, Apollo's birthday, and there were you, and Apollo, and Starbuck ready to walk on the wild side, and me with all my skills and abilities and willingness to teach you both everything I knew. Wow, it coulda been something really celestial! Sheba: And don't think I didn't hear Cordelia when you and she dropped in on me! Apollo: I told you, that was an accident! The result of a weak spot in the decking! Sheba: That's the problem, Apollo. You aren't lying! It really was an accident! You can't even drop in on a dripping wet woman in a turbo-towel with another woman sprawled on a flower-bedecked bunk in a Ganymede original gown without it being an accident and without doing the noble thing! Apollo: I gotta do something about my reputation... Apollo and Sheba head into the woods. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "How did you get here?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 155 Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 155 Scene: Apollo and Sheba head into the woods, followed by Cutler and Kiwi, despite Apollo's previous orders to Cutler. Apollo: Cutler, what did I tell you? Cutler: You told me to divide us up as I saw fit. Apollo: Except I ordered no one was to go with Sheba and me! Cutler: Uh, we're not going with Sheba and you. We're just going in the same direction. If you're going with us, that's your problem. Apollo: Oh. Okay, then, as long as you're obeying orders. Cutler: Of course, Captain. Sheba: (Staring at woods.) I think we'll need a machete or something to get through that underbrush! Cutler: No, we won't. (Locks, loads, and opens fire with some of his super-duper commando weaponry, opening a five-yard-wide path into the woods.) After you. Sheba: I'm impressed. A man who knows how to really use his big gun. Apollo: What's that supposed to mean? Sheba: What do you mean, what's that supposed to mean? Nobody here's being mean. What do you mean, Apollo? Apollo: (Looking confused.) Uh, nothing... Let's go. Apollo, Sheba, Cutler, and Kiwi wander along the spacious path Cutler created. Kiwi: Oooh, look over there at the- Cutler: Don't say, "look at the pretty flowers." Kiwi: Actually, I was going to say, look over there at the big furry thing with those four long, sharp tusks and all those long, sharp teeth in its gaping wide maw that could devour one of us in a single gulp if it didn't trample us into mush with its sharp, cloven hooves! Everyone: Aaaah!!!! Everybody runs. They race along the wide-open path, looking behind to see if they're being followed by the big furry thing with tusks, teeth, and hooves, not really watching where they're going. Suddenly, Apollo, who's in the lead (he can run, even if he doesn't get to...ahem), trips and winds up flying head over boots, sprawled out in the burned-out underbrush. Clone: Father-creator, look what I tripped! Sheba: You tripped, Apollo! Clone: Yes, I tripped Apollo! Sheba: No, I was talking to Apollo, telling him that he tripped! Clone: He didn't trip, I tripped him! Ravashol: Ser-four, that wasn't very nice, to trip a Colonial warrior like that... Apollo gets to his feet, confused. Apollo: What happened? What did I trip over? Who tripped me? Ravashol: I'm sorry, Captain. My clone was simply watching the string we strung over the path to trip anything that came by. We didn't know it would be you. I certainly wouldn't have strung the string if I'd know you'd be coming along. Apollo: (Staring in disbelief.) Dr. Ravashol! How did you get here? Ravashol: In a spaceship, of course. How did you think? One of those idiotic plot device wormholes or something? Apollo: Well, of course... I mean no... I mean yes, a spaceship... But what are you doing here? Why did you leave Arcta to come here? Ravashol: I got sick and tired of the eternal winter on that overgrown ice cube, that's why! You left, why shouldn't I? Sheba: He's got a point, Apollo. Ravashol: Yes, in the sword concealed inside my walking cane. Now, Captain, what are you doing here? Apollo: Searching for lost people. Ravashol: Oh, did Starbuck take a side trip again? Apollo: Yeah, but that's just a side plot. We're here to find some missing children. Ravashol: This should be a good place for it. I know my clones and their children are having a great time here. Apollo: Your children! Oh, no! How will we tell our children from your children? There is a rising swell of dramatic music as everyone gasps and looks horrified. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Ravashol say, "Don't get delusions of grandeur." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 156 Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 156 Scene: The woods, in the middle of a path burned by Commando Cutler, where Apollo and Sheba are talking to Dr. Ravashol and one of his clones. Sheba: Oh, no, the children! How will we recognize them? Apollo: (Irritated.) Didn't I just ask that? Sheba: Well, somebody had to start the scene! Cutler and Kiwi come running up, having been slowed down by the weight of the weaponry they're carrying. You know the old saying - you don't have to be faster than what's chasing you, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy who's being chased. Cutler: Who's this? Apollo: This is Dr. Ravashol. We met him on Arcta. He was working for the Cylons then, until we destroyed his pulsar cannon and liberated his clones, allowing him to make a choice to join the fleet and put his scientific genius to work for us, or to stay on that oversized frigidaire and hope he had the weaponry at his disposal to keep the Cylons from coming in and taking over again and wiping out him and everyone else there. He chose to stay there. Cutler: Sounds like a lousy choice. And who's this? Ravashol: He's one of my clones. Kiwi: Funny, he doesn't look like you. Clone: No, the Father-Creator created me. I do not look like him. Ravashol: Actually, you probably will, in about fifty yahrens. Where do you think I got the template for the male clones? Clone: You mean I am of the Father-Creator? Ravashol: Don't get delusions of grandeur. So is every other male clone series. Clone: Oh. Nothing special then, huh? Ravashol: Right. Clone: Bummer. Sheba: Could we get back to the children? Ravashol: Now what's this about children? What children? Apollo: One of our warriors adopted the remaining orphans in the fleet. Several of them took a shuttle out, and got lost. We believe they're somewhere on this planet. Our concern is that, if they become mixed with your children, we won't be able to find them back! Ravashol: Are they all blue-eyed blonds? Apollo: Um, no. Ravashol: Are they wearing the standard clone-attire uniforms? Apollo: Uh, no. Ravashol: Are they mute or too young to tell us who they are? Apollo: Actually, they're all between the ages of seven and twelve yahrens, and they all talk too much, in my estimation. Ravashol: Then I think you can trust me on this, Apollo, finding your children among mine won't be a problem. Sheba: (Relieved.) Then our problem is solved! The children are found, we can tell them apart, and Cassie and Jolly will be thrilled! Ravashol: Actually, your problem isn't solved. Apollo: Why not? Ravashol: We haven't seen your children. Apollo: How do you know? Ravashol: Because I think I'd know if a group of completely strange, talkative children between the ages of seven and twelve, not wearing the clothing of my clones' children, had suddenly appeared among my group of entirely blue-eyed blond children. Apollo: Oh. I guess we go on, then. Kiwi: Uh, I think we should go on faster...that big furry thing with tusks and teeth and hooves is coming down the path at an alarming rate of speed... Everyone: (Glancing back.) Aaaah!!! All start running. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "I guess you have a choice." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 157 Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 157 Scene: The woods, turning rapidly into a wide savanna. Boomer, Bojay, and Commandoes Carey (in the red shirt), Kenny, and Kevin stare out from the trees across the grassland. Bojay: I don't like this. Carey: Wow. The grass goes on forever. A sea of grass. Moving grass... Boomer: Must be the wind. Let's go. Bojay: (Faintly, swaying slightly.) I don't think I can deal with this. Boomer: Awh, it's no different than the Caprican Savanna. We just wade out into it... Kenny: It's not water. How can we wade through it? Kevin: And it's taller than we are! If we wade, it'll be over our heads! We won't be able to breathe! We'll drown! We'll die! Boomer: It's grass, it's not water. That was a figure of speech. There's plenty of air. Bojay: I don't think I can deal with this. Boomer: Bojay, why do you keep saying that? Of course you can deal with it. Bojay: No, I can't. Boomer: Why not? Bojay: I...I've been on starships out in space for fifteen yahrens. Boomer: So? Bojay: And before that, I grew up on a moon base. I've never seen anything this wide open. I can't take it, I tell you. Boomer: But we went down on Gamorrah. That was wide-open sky, and you were falling through the middle of it! You managed that! Bojay: It was dark! I couldn't see how wide open it was! And it wasn't grass that was growing over my head. It was a city. Besides, I was with Sheba. I can face anything with her. Boomer: Oh, brother... Kenny: Who are you talking to? Who's your brother? Boomer: Figures of speech are lost on you people, aren't they? Carey: So what're we going to do? Boomer: Bojay, we have to go through the grass. Bojay: Can't we go around it? The warriors and commandoes look around. Kenny: The grass goes forever. There's no way around it. Bojay: Then let's go back the way we came. Boomer: That might work, except the human habitation we're supposed to be seeking out and boldly going toward is out there somewhere, in the grass. Kevin: Wait, what was that? Boomer: What was what? Kevin: Over there! In the grass! Something moved! They all stare out at the grass again. Boomer: Awh, it was probably just the wind again. Kevin: Uh, Lieutenant, there is no wind. There has been no wind the entire time we've been standing here. Boomer: All right, then it was a breeze. Kevin: Oh. Okay. Boomer: Well, Bojay, I guess you have a choice. Come through the grass with us, and be part of a group, or stay here, all by yourself, with the breeze and the moving grass. Bojay: That's a choice? Boomer: But the heavily armed commandoes who are trained to deal with all kinds of situations and all kinds of enemies and all kinds of terrains are coming with me, right, guys? Carey: Uh, yeah, right, Boomer. Boomer: Well, Bojay? Bojay: (Faintly.) All right, but I know I'm gonna regret this... To rising strains of ominous music, the quintet heads into the grasses, and are soon lost to view... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "That was no loss." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 158 Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 158 Scene: Our brave warrior team and their accompanying commandoes travel through the midst of a waving sea of rustling tall grasses, taller than the head of our tallest warrior, taller than a Nomen, taller even than a Nomen standing on his tippy-toes. They're keeping each other in sight, sorta, but it ain't easy. Kenny: What was that? Bojay: What was what? Kenny: That? Bojay: Which that? Kevin: Shouldn't it be what that? Kenny: That's what I said, what's that? Bojay: What's what? Boomer: Now cut that out! That's enough! Kevin: What's enough? Boomer: That! Kevin: Which that? Boomer: Not again... Do you want me to tell Cutler on you? Kevin: No, I want you to tell me what it was that I saw moving through these rustling waving grasses! Boomer: I don't know, where was it? Kevin: Back about ten metrons. Boomer: Are you sure it wasn't Kenny? Kevin: No, he's about five metrons ahead of me. That red shirt hunched close to the ground is about the only thing that sticks out in all this tall green grass! That's the only trouble with Colonial camo. It's so hard to spot! Boomer: Isn't that the point? Bojay: I really hate this stuff... Boomer: Actually, Bojay, you should be just fine here. Bojay: Why? Boomer: There's no wide-open space. You're surrounded by grass that grows over your head. It closes in around us, covering us from view above, preventing us from seeing anything more than a few metrons in any direction. Bojay: Oh, no... Boomer: Now what? Bojay: I think I'm getting claustrophobic... Boomer: Bojay, how did you ever become a warrior? You can't stand open spaces, you can't stand closed-in spaces-- Bojay: Something about being with Cain just made it all right! Boomer: Oh, brother... Kevin: Where's your brother? Boomer: No, I don't have a brother, how many times do I have to tell you that? The grasses rustle all around them. There is no answer. Carey: Kevin? Kevin, where are you? There is a long moment of silence except for the sound of rustling grasses. Okay, so it wasn't very silent, it was noisy and rustly and there is definitely something moving around. Carey: I think we lost Kevin. Bojay: That's no loss. Boomer: Oh, he's with you? Bojay: No, he's not with me. Boomer: Then why'd you say he's not lost? Bojay: I didn't say he's not lost, I just said that it was no loss. Talk about not understanding figures of speech... Boomer: Bojay, shut up. Kevin? Where are you? Kevin? There is no answer as they stand in the midst of the waving, rustling, tall green grass. Then something gets louder... Bojay: Uh-oh, something's coming... Everyone: Aaaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Kimi ask, "Do you hear that?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 159 Date: Wed, 01 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 159 Scene: Jolly, Cassie, Cal, and Kimi are making their way through the woods, heading south, when they come to the edge of the trees and discover...water. Jolly: (Very cheerful.) Hey, a river! A big river! Cal: Was this on our scanners? Kimi: I don't remember it... Cassie: But I don't like rivers! Jolly: Don't worry, I do. I love the water. Water in glasses, water in swimming pools, water in rivers, water in oceans... Kimi: Why don't you like water, Cassie? Cassie: I can't swim. Jolly: That's okay, honey, you can hang onto me. I can swim anything. Cassie: (Smiling sunnily in relief.) I knew I could count on you. Cal: (Staring at the water.) Hey, those look like Scorpian turbo-toothed piscines! Jolly: No problem for me... Kimi: Ooh, ugh, nasty. They've got teeth that gnaw a person to the bone within fifteen microns! Cal: (Squinting across the river.) Shouldn't be a problem. It only looks to be about ten microns across... Kimi: No, time, not distance! Cal: (Reconsidering.) We'd never make it. Cassie: So much for swimming. Kimi: So what'll we do? Cal: Hey, look, there's a raft conveniently hidden here in the underbrush! With a steering pole! Jolly: Great! Then we don't have to get in the water. (Sighing.) Although some of us wouldn't mind that, piscines or no piscines. But, to keep my precious Cassiopeia safe from the tubro-toothed piscines, we'll take the raft. Cassie: Darling, you're always thinking of me first, and I love you for it. They all board the raft, and Jolly pushes off with the pole, which catches in the mud. Jolly: Oops! There went the pole... The raft begins to drift downstream in the slow, wide current. Cassie: What'll do now? Cal: I guess we'd better paddle! Kimi: Where're the paddles? Cal: There aren't any paddles! Kimi: Then where're the oars? Cal: There aren't any oars either! Jolly: You don't have any with you? Cal: No, we didn't expect to have to take a raft across a river! Jolly: And you call yourselves commandoes... Cassie: What kind of raft doesn't have oars or paddles? Jolly: This kind, I guess. Kimi: Wait, what's that? Cal: What? Where? Do we have paddles after all? Jolly: No, it sounds like...a waterfall! Cassie: I knew I didn't like water! All look at each other as they realize they have neither paddles nor oars, and the sound of the waterfall is getting closer. All: Aaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Where is everybody?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 160 Date: Thu, 02 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 160 Scene: The woods, early morning, where Starbuck and Kyle are approaching the castle. What can be seen of the castle is surrounded by a moat; the drawbridge is down; the gates are open. Nobody's moving around. Starbuck: Things look pretty quiet. Where is everybody? Kyle: Well, it is early in the morning. And we're still adjusting from Antilla time. Unlike somebody who shall remain nameless, we're not tied to chronometers. We know it's morning when the sun comes up, and evening when it goes down. Starbuck: Let's change the subject. Do you always leave your castle gates open at night? Kyle: No, we close the gates, and pull up the drawbridge and drop the portcullis too. We let the turbo-toothed piscines loose in the moat. Drat. It's Nilz' responsibility to close the gates and pull up the drawbridge. Starbuck: How about the portcullis? Kyle: That too. Starbuck: (Peering into the moat.) And the turbo-toothed piscines? Kyle: That's Ariadne's responsibility. She's good with piscines. Starbuck: (Doing a doubletake.) She's good with piscines? Kyle: Yes. Starbuck: How can a person be good with piscines? Kyle: (Shrugs.) That's Ariadne. Good at the unexpected. Takes after our mother that way. Nobody slings shot like she slingshots. Well, let's go in and see what's going on. Somebody's going to get a piece of my mind. Starbuck: Are you sure that's a good idea? Kyle: (Defensively.) I've got plenty to spare. Starbuck: No, I mean, is it a good idea to go in and see what's going on? Kyle: Oh, I suppose you as a warrior would rather find the back door, kick it in, go in with lasers drawn, and scare everybody! Starbuck: Of course! That's what warriors do! Don't you remember me telling you about Carillon? Kyle: Yes - twelve times. You don't have to tell me again. Let's go! Starbuck: Hm, that's an awful narrow drawbridge... Kyle: Easier to defend. Kyle and Starbuck cross the narrow drawbridge and enter the castle yard. No one's in sight. Starbuck: Say, what do you need so much protection for, anyway? A gate, a drawbridge, a portcullis, a moat filled with turbo-toothed piscines... Kyle: Actually, that's just the front; it makes a good show. We've got a nice cozy little keep behind the wall and a grove of fruit trees and several fields in the back. Starbuck: Let me get this straight, we could've just gone around the moat and the wall and not taken the drawbridge at all? Kyle: Yes. But the secret is, nobody else knows that! So they all think they have to come in the front door! Starbuck: *I* thought we should go in the back door! Kyle: Yes, but you're a warrior. Starbuck: What if the Cylons come? Kyle: The tinsel-teeth are too stupid to look for a back door. They'd try to come in the front door, across the moat. Starbuck: You know, turbo-toothed piscines probably aren't going to have much effect on a Cylon... Kyle: Hmm, you may be right. I'll have to talk to Ariadne about that... Starbuck: (Looking around.) Why do I feel like I'm being stared at? Lucifer: (In a silky voice from behind them.) Because you are. Hello, warrior Starbuck, how good to see you again... Kyle and Starbuck: (Immediately turning and clinging to each other at the sight of a dozen Cylon centurions.) Aaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the journalator say, "Meanwhile, back on the Galactica..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 161 Date: Fri, 03 Aug 2001 "This is Journalator Koppel, having finally regained control of IFB. As we all know, as we conclude the twenty-third secton episode of our longest-running IFB series, things look dire for our warriors and the rescue mission. Apollo and Sheba are being pursued by something with tusks, teeth, and hooves. Boomer and Bojay are already short one team member and are lost in the grasslands with something closing in on them. Cassie and Jolly are on a raft, up the river without a paddle, heading for a waterfall, surrounded by turbo-toothed piscines. Starbuck has discovered that Lucifer has taken over the castle. Meanwhile, back on the Galactica... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 161 Scene: The Galactica, soaring majestically through space, her fleet trailing behind like so many stupid geese who can't be bothered to watch out for traffic. Vipers try valiantly to keep them all in formation and handle sentry duty around them. Viper pilot: Oops. Wingman: What ship did you hit this time? Viper pilot: The Loveboatica. Wingman: Again? Didn't somebody hit them last patrol? Viper pilot: Their captain keeps saying something about sneaking away for romantic moonlight cruises. Wingman: Where do they think they are, Carillon? Viper pilot: Well, what can you expect from a ship named Loveboatica? Wingman: Good point. Okay, call another repair detail. Viper pilot: I think half the fleet's damage repair personnel are already there... And on the bridge of the Galactica, Tigh paces. Tigh: Omega, what news from our patrols? Omega: One of Green Squadron's pilots reports the Loveboatica was out of formation again, with the usual results. They've called for a repair team. Sir, I'd like to volunteer- Rigel: Colonel, I'd like to volunteer too- Tiki: Wait, no, me, I want to volunteer- Other crewmen, all together: Colonel- Tigh: That's it! There will be no more volunteering on this bridge! We've sent more than enough personnel to the Loveboatica to keep her repaired for twenty yahrens! Somebody has to stay here to keep this ship going and I'm not doing it alone! Now, back to business. What else do the patrols report? Omega: (Sulking.) They're picking up a ghost signal. Tigh: A ghost signal? On, no! We just got done dealing with the spectral dire daggit, what else are we going to have to face? The ghost of what? Omega: Uh, they're not sure... Tigh: (Staring at him narrowly.) What aren't you telling me? Omega: Uh... Tigh: Make a full report, Flight Officer! That's an order! Omega: Sir... Uh, they say... It, uh, looks like a signal from a battlestar, Colonel. Tigh: (Relieved.) Oh, you mean they've picked up the Miri Feathers echo again? You'd think by now our pilots would realize that there are two ships in this fleet that look like battlestars, and they'd stop panicking every time they spot the Miri Feathers ship... (Beat.) I wish they'd name that ship so I could call it something besides the Miri Feathers ship every time we have to talk about it or contact it or speak to Commander Princess Gabrielle... Omega: No, sir... Tigh: You don't want them to name their ship? Omega: Of course it would make things simpler if they named their ship, but- Tigh: But what? Omega: It's not the Miri Feather ship this time. Tigh: It's not? Well, what else could it be? The commline suddenly starts sputtering gibberish for a few microns, then a familiar face forms on the screen. Cain: This is Commander Cain, calling the Galactica. Where are you, Adama, you old war daggit? Don't you have time to say hello to an old friend? Tigh: (Staring at the screen.) Aaaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Commander Cain say, "But it's the middle of the morning!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 162 Date: Sat, 04 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 162 Scene: The fleet, the bridge of the Galactica. Tigh collapses into the nearest chair, gibbering. Tigh: It's Cain... It's Cain... It's Cain... Omega: (Heroically jumping into the midst of the situation and valiantly saving the day.) Rigel, call Commander Adama! Commander Cain, this is Flight Officer Omega. Commander Adama is off the bridge at the moment. It's his sleep period, but we're contacting him as we speak. In the meantime, let me welcome you back to the fleet on his behalf- Cain: (Glancing at his wrist chron.) He's on sleep period? But it's the middle of the morning! Omega: Actually, Commander, here it's the middle of the night. Cain: But when we left the fleet at Gamorrah, we synchronized our wrist chrons! We were both on time! (Shakes wrist.) Dang, I must be gaining time again. Well, that does explain why my crew have been complaining that their meal centars and sleep periods seem too short. Not that I've ever let that bother me, of course. If I'm still hungry, I keep eating. If my sleep period's too short, I just sleep longer. That's the kind of commander I am, I never let time, or anything else, get in the way of what I want to do. Omega: So I've heard, sir. Cain: When I want to get something, I get it. When I want to do something, I do it. When I'm ready for battle, by gum, there's a battle! Omega: Yes, sir. Cain. (Briskly.) So, Omega, how are things going in the fleet since I left? Have things fallen apart? Is everyone in the fleet desperate for salvation? Are you in need of a hero, a bold warrior tactician to lead you from the dark doldrums of despair and defeat into the bright glad, golden light of triumph and victory? Omega: Actually, sir... Adama: (Rushing onto the bridge, wearing his robe.) All right, why did you wake me up in the middle of my sleep period? If this is another one of Tigh's drills to make him feel like he's in charge, I'm going to make him wish he'd never become executive officer! Rigel: Psst, sir, look at the screen! Adama: The screen? What's on the screen? There's nothing there but stars! Rigel: Not the star screen, sir, the comm screen! Adama: The comm screen? Why- Why, that looks like Cain! Who posted that old communique there? All right, Tigh, is this your idea of a practical joke? Tigh: It's Cain... It's Cain... It's Cain... Adama: I can see that it's Cain, what I want to know is- Cain: Adama, nice robe! Good color for you! Adama: Good color...? Cain never said that! All right, who's been playing with the vocal synthesizer? Cain: Adama, it's me, it's not a voice synthesizer. Adama: Really? It's really you? Cain: Yes. Adama: It's really you... Cain: That's what I said. Why is everyone having such a hard time believing I'm back? Adama: Well, those three Cylon base stars at Gamorrah and the fact that you didn't bother to call us afterward may have had something to do with it... Cain: Pish-posh! What's three Cylon base stars to an old war daggit like me? And I couldn't call because...because my communication systems went down in the battle, that's why. Adama: And you didn't come back, either. Cain: Um...navigation and control problems. Yeah, that's it. We had damage to our comm and steering and navigation and all kinds of other systems at Gamorrah, right crew? There is a rousing echo of affirmative cheers from the bridge of the Pegasus. Cain: So I couldn't call and I couldn't come back. We had to keep going in the same direction until we could effect repairs, and that happened to be away from the fleet. A long way away. So, shall I hop a shuttle and come on over, just like old times? Adama: Uh...certainly. I'll have some ambrosa ready. Welcome back, Cain... The screen goes dark. The bridge crew stares solemnly at Adama. Adama: By all that's holy... I don't suppose this is all a bad dream? Tigh: It's Cain... It's Cain... It's Cain... Tune in for the next exciting episode of Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "What kind of ego trip are you on?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 163 Date: Sun, 05 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 163 Scene: The Galactica landing bay. Bay personnel scurry about making sure everything is shipshape. Adama and Omega arrive , the commander still in his dressing gown. Omega: He's not here yet. Maybe you would have had time to dress after all, sir. Adama: No, I didn't want to wake Tin- uh, I didn't want to disturb people, by running through the corridors. And there really wasn't time to dress completely anyway. Omega: If you say so, sir... Adama: Did Dr. Salik have any idea how long it would be before Tigh might come out of his catatonic stupor? Omega: He wasn't sure, sir. But with the cumulative stress effect of the upcoming elections, Siress Belloby running for office and deciding to stay on the Galactica, Siress Tinia leading in the polls, and now the arrival of Commander Cain, he said it could be quatrons! Adama: What's a quatron? Omega: I don't know, sir, but that's what it said in the script. Adama: I understand. Well, you certainly made it sound convincing. Omega: Thank you, sir. I try to make it sound like I always know what I'm talking about. Adama: At any rate, it could be a long time before I have an executive officer again. Omega: If you're looking for volunteers, sir, I'm certainly willing to do my part. Adama: I'll keep you in mind, Omega. They watch and wait for several centons. Finally, the Pegasus shuttle arrives. The first people out are a dozen crewmen and crewwomen carrying bags, wearing somewhat unusual uniforms. Adama: Who're they? That uniform isn't regulation. And are those weapons cases they're carrying? Omega: I don't know, sir. Commander Cain didn't say anything about bringing a commando team... Adama: Why would he need to bring a commando team? Omega: I don't know, sir, but those bags are certainly large enough to contain commando gear and weaponry. And as you noticed, the uniforms are extremely...nonstandard. The Pegasus crew form a line and begin opening their bags, pulling out huge pom-poms. Meanwhile, Cain exits his shuttle and strikes a heroic pose on the steps, chin jutting, swagger stick raised. Pegasus Cheerleaders (for between the pom-poms, the unstandard uniforms, and the cheering, it's now obvious that's what they are): Woo-hoo! Three cheers for Cain, three cheers for Cain! C-A-I-N, Cain, Cain, Cain! Yay, Cain! Wooo! The uniformed cheerleaders wave their pom-poms and begin a routine of jumps and springs and cartwheels and kicks and rolls and ultimately form a human Pyramid in the bay. Omega: Wow! That's athletic! Adama: That's ridiculous! Cain, what kind of ego trip are you on? Cain: It's not an ego trip, Adama. It's a victory trip! I've got a new plan to take out the entire Cylon Empire. But we don't want to discuss it here- Adama: We don't want to discuss it here, there, or anywhere! Cain: Just wait'll you hear the details. Adama: I don't want to hear the details! Cain, what in Sagan's name are you doing with cheerleaders? Cain: They're not cheerleaders. They're a pep squad and honor guard! Good job, warriors! The cheerleaders...uh, pep squad and honor guard, breaks formation, only dropping the girl on the top. Girl on top: *Shriek* Ooof! Ouch! I told you all if that ever happened again... Quickly grabbing their bags and pom-poms, the squad heads back into the shuttle, the girl on top hobbling along after the rest, still yelling in indignation and rubbing her sore backside. Cain: Now, Adama, let's go discuss my plan... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Cain, it's not what you think." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 164 Date: Mon, 06 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 164 Scene: Commander Adama's quarters. Cain enters, dragging Adama by the arm. Adama: Actually, Cain, we could just as well - even better - meet in the briefing room or the council chambers! We don't have to come here! Cain: Don't be ridiculous, Adama. We want to keep this personal and private until we finalize the details. This is the best place to ensure that. Besides, I happen to know this is where you keep your private stash of aged ambrosa, and if you think I'm going to settle for the cheap stuff in the O Club at a time like this, you're mistaken. Adama: Uh... Isn't it an odd time for ambrosa? It's the middle of sleep period! Cain: No, it's the middle of the morning. Adama: You're on the Galactica, you're on Galactica time! Cain: You're not going to pull that fleet commander rank and president of the Council stuff again, are you? Adama: Well, I am the fleet commander and the president of the Council! And we should be meeting in the briefing room. Cain: Adama- Adama: Cain- Tinia: (Coming out of the next room, also clad in a dressing robe.) Commanders, please! Cain: I remember you! You're Siress Tinia! You were on the Council! Tinia: And I still am! Cain: What are you doing here? Adama: Uh...I wanted a representative of the Council here when you began outlining your plan to destroy the Cylon Empire. Cain: In a dressing robe? Tinia: Uh...I didn't have time to dress. Cain: I can see that! You ran through the ship in your dressing robe? Adama: Cain, it's not what you think... Cain: Weren't you concerned about a loss of dignity and decorum in ordinary crewmen seeing you that way? I mean, people could get the wrong idea, seeing one of their Council members running through the ship in a dressing robe! They might think there was an emergency, that something was wrong! They might react with panic! Tinia: Nobody saw me running through the ship in my dressing robe. I am absolutely positively certain of that. Cain: That's good, anyway. We've got to maintain the public image of our civilian and military leaders to keep up the people's trust in our ability to lead them and protect them from our enemies. Adama: With cheerleaders? Cain: Honor guard and pep squad! To inspire the populace! Adama: Right. Tinia: (Smoothly, pulling a bottle of ambrosa and several chalices out from behind her back and setting them on the desk.) Commanders, why don't we sit down and begin reviewing the purpose of this meeting? Commander Adama, I hope you don't mind, but I brought some ambrosa to help keep the situation relaxed and smooth. Commander Cain, would you do us the honor and pour? Cain: Certainly, Siress! Tinia: Thank you. Adama: (Under his breath.) Tinia, how'd you know we were coming? Tinia: Omega called ahead. Adama: How did he know? Tinia: (Smiling mysteriously.) He's a very intelligent, observant, and discreet young man who keeps the best interests of his commander and our people foremost in his decisions. Adama: Hmm, maybe he'd be an even better executive officer than I thought. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama snore. Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 165 Date: Tue, 07 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 165 Scene: Adama's quarters. Cain is in the midst of outlining his grand plan to retake the Colonies and wipe out the Cylon Empire forever. Cain: (Gesturing wildly.) ...And at that point, we send in Rho Team to take over the secondary manufacturing bay, thereby wiping out any remaining Cylon ability to create more centurions. At that point, we've got control of their leader, their military capacity, their communications and computer systems, and we're sitting in their capital! And for all practical intents and purposes, we've won the war! (Pausing for a gulp of ambrosa.) So, Adama, Siress, what do you think? Adama and Tinia are leaning on each other's shoulders, sound asleep. Adama is snoring. Cain: Adama? Siress? Wake up! You feel asleep again! Both wake with a start, blinking and shaking their heads. Tinia: Wha...? Adama: Right, right, Cain, you were saying...? Cain: Adama, I know it's the middle of the sleep period, your time, but I'm starting to wonder if you two got any sleep last night before I came on board. They exchange quick, guilty glances. Adama: Now, Cain, we're hear to discuss your plan, not to concern ourselves with the fact that I've had a sleepless night...uh, worrying... Cain: Worrying about what? Adama: Uh... Tinia: About the missing rescue mission, and the missing children! Adama: Right. That's it. Cain: So why haven't you been sleeping, Siress? Tinia: I've been worrying about them too. I couldn't let the Commander worry alone. Cain: Worrying about a military rescue mission? But you're a civilian member of the Council. You shouldn't even know about the mission. Isn't it a classified military secret? Tinia: Not when it involves civilian children. Adama: Besides, Siress Tinia is the military liaison from the Council. Cain: You've joined the military, Siress? Adama: No, no, she's the liaison from the Council to the military. Cain: Oh. That's different. Still shouldn't be allowed, in my superior tactical opinion, but it's different. Well, anyway, since it doesn't involve me, I really don't care why you couldn't sleep. So, what about my plan? What do you think? When shall we begin implementing it? Adama: Uh...let's talk about it some. I'd like to go over some of the ramifications again. Cain: Uh...starting where? Adama: Um... Wasn't it somewhere around the Theta Team mission? Wasn't that something about sabotaging the Imperious Leader's personal base star? Cain: Ah, yes, and that was to be immediately followed up by Iota Team moving in on the communications center on Cylon itself, with- Tinia: I think I'm missing something. How did our teams get to the main Cylon capital, anyway? Cain: (Now getting impatient.) Beta Team was to infiltrate as a precursor to Gamma Team moving in to take the spacedrome! Tinia: But how did we get there from here? Adama: I'm not sure we can get there from here. It's an awful long way back to Cylon from here... Cain: Not if one of the Galactica squadrons creates a diversion! Remember, I told you about that first thing! Tinia: (Glancing at her wrist chron.) That was over three centars ago, Cain... Cain: So? Adama: Cain, why don't you submit a detailed mission plan analysis for me to review when I'm not so exhausted with worry and can fully consider the details. Then we can meet again. Tinia: I like that idea. As a civilian council member, I of course will not be allowed to read it for fear of compromising military security. Adama: If I have to read it, you have to read it. Tinia: Drat. Cain: Good, good. I'll have it on your desk by midday...uh, morning, your time. And for now, I'll let you two get some sleep... (He strides out.) Adama: (After a pause.) At least he didn't guess what we were really doing here. Tinia: (Yawning.) It might have been better to admit it. Let's try to get some sleep... An alarm starts going off somewhere. Chipper alarm voice: Wakey, wakey, Adama! It's five bells! Time to get up and get to work! (Computer breaks into a rousing Colonial rendition of "Taking Care of Business.") Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cain say, "Who are you and where have you been all my life?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 166 Date: Wed, 08 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 166 Scene: The Galactica. Cain strides briskly down a corridor as if he owns it, heading back to the landing bay. He reaches the bay, where he spots Omega still hard at work. Well, Omega's there, anyway, doing something that's mostly likely significant and essential to the survival of the fleet, but hades if I know what he's doing... Cain: Flight Officer Omega! Omega: Yes, sir! Cain: I've finished my discussion with Commander Adama. For now. Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to talk about some more important matters, and you're just the man to have the information. Omega: (Looking around.) Me, sir? How's that? Cain: Well, it's obvious how much trust Commander Adama puts in you, and so does Siress Tinia, if I'm any judge. I figure you know everything that's going on around this ship. Maybe even this fleet. Omega: (Working at his collar.) Uh... Cain: So, I figure you're just the man to tell me something. How's Cassiopeia? You know Cassiopeia, the former socialator turned med tech? Omega: Yes, I've...heard of her... Cain: Good, good, I knew you would have. A woman like that, men remember. She's broken up with Starbuck by now, hasn't she? Omega: (Relieved.) Yes, sir, she has! How did you know? Cain: I knew it was only a matter of time. Starbuck isn't the kind of man who can keep a woman like that, but I am. I knew she'd have tired of Starbuck by now, and I intend to pick up where we left off. She could never resist me before. She certainly won't be able to resist me now that I've put forth the plan and will lead our people in a glorious battle to once and for all take back our homeworld and end the Cylon menace forever. And now that she's a respectable med tech, I can actually marry her instead of just sleep with her. Omega: (Swallows hard.) Oh... Cain: So where is she billeted these days? I'd like to surprise her. Omega: (Gulping.) Actually, Commander, she's not on the Galactica at the moment. She's not in the fleet. She's part of the rescue mission we sent out to find the missing shuttle full of children. Cain: Ah, that's my brave Cassiopeia. I should have known she'd be part of a mission so important. Omega: Yes...yes, she is. And Sheba's on the mission too. Cain: Good, good, that's my Sheba. Like father, like daughter. But anyway, I guess I'll have to wait for Cassie to come back to surprise her. Omega: (Obviously torn.) Yes, sir... I'm sure she'll be very surprised... Cain heads for the nearest shuttle; behind him, Omega collapses to the floor in a faint. Nearby tech #1: So who's gonna tell him about Cassie and Jolly? Nearby tech #2: I'm not gonna tell him, you tell him! Nearby tech #1: I'm not gonna tell him. Let the Commander tell him! Out of the shuttle suddenly appear Commander Princess Gabrielle and a half dozen Miri Feathers, all thoroughly armed and clad as has come to be expected. The male bay technicians gather round, staring longingly like love-sick daggit pups. Gabrielle: (Briskly.) All right, Miri Feathers. Today is the day. Today we track down, locate, isolate, and take out that spectral dire daggit that's been eluding us for lo, these many episodes! Cain freezes, standing stock-still as he stares at the princess commander of the amazon Miri Feathers warriors. As the Miri Feathers begin to file past, heading for the nearest open conduit, Cain steps up and sweeps Gabrielle into his arms in a romantic dip, staring deeply into her eyes. Fortunately, he wasn't trying to shoot anything at the moment, although his weapon nearly came out of its holster. Cain: Who are you and where have you been all my life? Gabrielle: Who are you and what are you doing in my life anyway? Cain: I'm the great Commander Cain, and I can tell that you deserve me. Gabrielle: (Disgusted.) Oh, great... What kind of bad karma do I have from a past life to deserve this? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "I don't think I can run any more!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 167 Date: Thu, 09 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 167 Scene: The path in the woods on the planet in the system in the galaxy somewhere in the middle of the universe. Apollo, Sheba, Ravashol, a clone, Cutler, and Kiwi are racing down the path, all panting heavily. Sheba: How long have we been running? Apollo: It feels like episodes and episodes! Sheba: I can't take it any more! I'm exhausted! I don't think I can run much longer! Cutler: You think you're exhausted. We've been carrying the gear! Apollo: That's why you're commandoes and we're warriors. Ravashol: Hmph! You're all forgetting I've been running with a cane, and I've still been staying ahead of you all! Clone: Hah! Half the time, I've beeen carrying you! Ravashol: That's because you're a clone and I'm the Father-Creator. Kiwi: Is it still following us? Apollo: Why don't you look behind us and let us know? You're the one in the back! Kiwi: Oh, you're right... Hmmm, I don't see anything behind us any more... Sheba: You mean we've been running for nothing? Why didn't you tell us that sooner? Kiwi: I would have had to stop and look back, and it mighta got me! Apollo: Okay, we can stop, we can stop... The group of warriors, commandoes, doctor, and clone stop and gather under a tree (of which there are many, all of them thoroughly barked, leaved, and some even vined and twined) to rest. Apollo: I don't hear anything. We must have lost it. Cutler: Well, it's been good exercise, if nothing else. Sheba: I didn't need the exercise. I needed to hear that we weren't being chased by something horrid with tusks, teeth, and hooves! Apollo: I wonder if we needed to run at all... Sheba: Why? Apollo: Since it had hooves, it was probably herbivorous, I would think. Sheba: You mean we ran for nothing? Ravashol: Actually, considering the teeth and tusks and the size of the thing, it sounds like something we've seen in the woods, and it's omniverous. While it wouldn't deliberately hunt down something as large as us, it wouldn't be above chasing us down if we happened to be in its way, savagely goring us to death in a fit of instinctive rage, then happily munching on our torn and bloodied remains like some kind of salad dressing on the leaves, grasses, roots, and grains that form its usual diet. Kiwi: Ewh, I'm going to be sick! I don't wanna be salad dressing! Cutler: You can't be sick, Kiwi, you're a commando. Kiwi: I don't wanna be a commando any more! I only became one because Kimi wanted to be one, and we're twins and we always do the same thing. But this isn't fun anymore, and I don't wanna do it anymore. I quit! (Dumps all weaponry and gear.) Cutler: (Under his breath.) She's not salad dressing, she's fruit salad! (Louder.) You can't quit in the middle of a mission! Kiwi: (Sticks out her tongue.) I just did. Sheba: Who'll carry her gear? Ravashol: Clone, would you take care of that, please? Clone: Why not? It's got to be lighter than you, Father-Creator. Ravashol: Captain, I do have a question, now that we've had time to rest and catch our breaths. Apollo: What's that? Ravashol: Considering all your armaments, and the fact that you were able to blow a hole in the jungle big enough for a path for all of us to run through... Apollo: Yeah? Ravashol: Why didn't you just shoot it? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "Gee, he's just as smart as you are." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 168 Date: Fri, 10 Aug 2001 "This is journalator Koppel, reporting on the hoopla surrounding the return of Commander Cain and the Pegasus! As we end our twenty-fourth secton of this long-running series, we rejoice that we have another battlestar among us, led by the well-known and highly-esteemed Commander Cain. We're certain this will contribute immensely to not merely the physical security of the fleet, but to its emotional and psychological well-being as well- What do you mean, I didn't give Cain enough credit, what more do we need to say about him? What...? No, I am not saying that, I don't care if the entire crew of the Pegasus were to show up with weapons in hand-*Frizz, snap, sizzle* Oh, all right! Commander Princess Gabrielle, Commander Cain extends his invitation to a private dinner aboard the Pegasus at nineteen bells today, and wants you to know that his intentions are strictly honorable, as you'd expect from a commander of his class, talent, abilities, looks, sex appeal, history, and general- No, I cannot say any more of this, I can't- "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 168 Scene: The woods. Apollo, Sheba, Ravashol, a clone, and Commando Cutler and ex-commando Kiwi stand under a tree, catching their breaths. Ravashol: Well? Why didn't you just shoot it? They look at each other. Apollo: Well... I mean... Sheba: He's got a point, Apollo. Why didn't you shoot it? Apollo: You've got a laser. Why didn't you shoot it? Sheba: (Sweetly.) I'm the girl. I wasn't hired to shoot it. Besides, you're in charge, you're the big brave macho hero. Apollo: Cutler, why didn't you shoot it? You're the commando. You're the man with the big gun, or so I hear. Cutler: I didn't have orders to shoot it. Apollo: You shot a path through the woods! Nobody ordered you to do that! Cutler: Technically, maybe. But as you may recall, Sheba was discussing the appropriate weaponry to get through the woods - a machete. I offered an alternative. Apollo: You couldn't offer an alternative to running? Cutler: Nobody asked me for one. In fact, you ordered us to run. Apollo: I didn't order anybody to run. Sheba: No, you just started running yourself. Cutler: And the rest of us followed, figuring if you wanted to give an alternative order, we'd have to be close enough to hear it. But you never gave any other order. Apollo: I thought you weren't even with us. Couldn't you have decided on your own to shoot it, to protect you and Kiwi, without worrying about me and Sheba, who are quite capable of taking care of ourselves? Cutler: We were quite capable of deciding to run, too. And since you'd already made that decision, you can't fault me for making the same decision. Sheba: Gee, Apollo, he's just as smart as you are. What a pity. Apollo: Why, you! And you call yourself Cain's daughter... Sheba: How dare you... Ravashol: Enough, already! All right, none of you thought to shoot it, I'm sorry I asked! Matter closed. Sheba: (Sticks out her tongue at Apollo, then mutters.) That's what you think. Apollo: (Deliberately turning his back on Sheba.) All right, Dr. Ravashol, why don't we go to your village or camp or whatever form of habitation you and your clones have built here. Ravashol: Why? I thought you were looking for your children, and they're not living with us. Apollo: We've gotta start somewhere. Clone: Oh-oh, look what's coming up the path... Everyone turns. It's the big brown critter with hooves and tusks and teeth, still barreling after them. Apollo, Sheba, and Cutler all draw their lasers and blast it. When the air clears, there's nothing much left but cooked beast. Kiwi: (Sniffing the air.) Mmm, smells like roast porcine! Clone: May we take it back to the village, Father-Creator? Ravashol: Why? Clone: Actually, Father-Creator, we've hunted a few of these things. They're very good eating. Apollo: If you hunt them, why didn't you shoot it? Ravashol: We're not going there again! We're going back to the village. Clone, bring the roast porcine... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I meant that in a nice way, of course." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 169 Date: Sat, 11 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 169 Scene: The dungeon in the half-castle where Kyle and Starbuck have been captured and imprisoned by Lucifer and the Cylons. Use your imagination about the dark, dank and dripping decor and the kind of cramped, barred cells and heavy chains and such that Lucifer is using. And of course, Starbuck has lost his shirt. Lucifer: Well, Starbuck, what do you think of me now? Starbuck: You're a metal-mouthed, bulb-headed, tinsel-toothed hunk of junk that should be melted down for scrap and turned into mugs for the officers' club so we can drink to the extinction of the Cylon Empire. Lucifer: With the power to order your immediate execution. Starbuck: I meant that in a nice way, of course. Lucifer: Of course. Kyle: But how did you take over our castle? Where is my family? Lucifer: Actually, some of your family helped me take over the castle. Who do you think told us there was no back door so we could just walk in? A slim blonde figure appears down the requisite stone stairs behind Lucifer, dressed as we remember so well. Starbuck: Miri! Miri: Hi, Starbuck. Lucifer: I'll leave you to your precious family reunion, Kyle. Enjoy the party, Starbuck. I'll be back later to torture you horribly until you tell me all your secrets. Starbuck: The only secrets I've got are my personal Pyramid schemes! Lucifer: I'm not interested in Pyramid schemes. The Imperious Leader outlawed those, yahrens ago. Besides, they're no secrets! But I will be asking for everything you know about the Galactica and your fleet and your warriors and you military capability and your destination and the location of Earth. Starbuck: Wouldn't you rather just know about my Pyramid schemes? Lucifer: No. Lucifer exits, having a very tough and undignified time with those stone steps. Lucifer: Ooh, ouch, ugh... Centurion! Come lift me out of here again! Starbuck: (Yelling after him.) You can't even handle stairs, Lucifer, how do you figure on handling the fleet? Kyle: All right, Miri, he's gone. Get us out of here! Miri: No. Kyle: What?!?! Starbuck: Miri, he means it? You're helping Lucifer? You're helping the Cylons? Miri: Yes. Starbuck: The ones who attacked your castle on Antilles, imprisoned your father, forced your mother to leave to look for help, drove you into the forests for sectars, and that you had to battle and drive out to save your home? Miri: Those are the ones. Except that was Spectre, and this is Lucifer. Kyle: Miri, how could you do this to us? We're brother and sister! Miri: That's the problem, Kyle. Kyle: What? Why is that a problem? Miri: Haven't you ever heard of sibling rivalry? Kyle: But, Miri! Miri: I mean, think about it, Kyle. I mean, I'm the oldest. I'm the daughter of the Miri Feather warrior, but who always has to be in charge? Who always has to tell us what to do? Who treats the rest of us like serfs to be ordered about at his pleasure? Kyle: Father does. Miri: Him, too. And you learned from him. Kyle: Well, yes. He's our Father. Miri: You'd have done better learning more from Mother! (Whirls and stomps out, having no problem with the stairs.) Kyle: Starbuck? Starbuck: Yes? Kyle: I think we're in trouble... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Lucifer say, "That's only because it is impossible for Cylons to take off their shirts." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 170 Date: Sun, 12 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 170 Scene: Lucifer's throne room on the planet, formerly the dining hall for Megan's family. Lucifer: Bring in Starbuck! Two centurions stoically march out, and shortly thereafter march back in, dragging the still shirtless Starbuck.. Starbuck: Hey, come on, I'm coming, keep your shirt on. Centurion #1: It would appear, human, that you are the one without a shirt on, not us. Starbuck: And whose fault is that? Centurion #2: If I recall correctly, it is the writer's fault, based upon an audience survey which indicated that it is good for the ratings for at least one of the stars to have his shirt off at least once during an episode. Starbuck: And you thought of me? Of course you would, who else takes his shirt off as well as me? Thanks, guys. Lucifer: Don't become too arrogant, Lieutenant. It is impossible for a Cylon to take off his shirt. That is the only reason the audience settles for one of your humans taking off your shirt. Starbuck: Oh, yeah? And why would a human audience even want to see a bunch of circuits and gears and blinking lights even if one of you could take off your shirt? Centurion #1: He has obviously not seen the centerfold in the August issue of Popular Mechanics. Starbuck: I don't think I want to hear about this... Lucifer: You don't get to, even if you want to. We are here to question you about your fleet, not to tell you about the joys of Cylon sex. Starbuck: I really don't want to hear about this! This is a PG-rated series! Lucifer: Very well! Let us get on to the torture and questioning! Starbuck, how many warriors are in your fleet? Starbuck: Ummm, five, at last count. Lucifer: That is impossible. We faced many more Vipers than that in our last attack on your fleet. Starbuck: Really? I never could count very well... Lucifer: (Nastily.) That may explain your Pyramid systems. Starbuck: Hey, leave my gambling ability out of this! Lucifer: So how many warriors do you have in your fleet? Starbuck: Before or after we count the Miri Feathers and the Black Ovines? Lucifer: Both. Starbuck: Count both, or don't count both? Lucifer: Count them all! Starbuck: Let's see... (Starts counting on fingers.) One... Two... Three... Four... And of course there's me, that makes five... Switching hands now, I'm gonna have to go to toes pretty soon... Six... Seven... Eight... No, wait, I counted her before...or did I? Oh, drat, I lost count, I have to start over... One... Two... Did I count me yet? Centurion #2: I think they will all have died of old age before Starbuck finishes counting them. Centurion #1: I have heard that is a peril of being human. Centurion #2: I do not understand why they do not just trade their parts in for new models and upgrades. Centurion #1: Humans are so limited. Centurion #2: It is merely another reason we are superior. Centurion #1: Of course, remember what happened to the last operating upgrade. My patrol began flying in wide formation and could not stop. All but two of us flew into the side of the basestar and were destroyed. Centurion #2: That is very similar to the upgrade my first patrol received fifteen yahrens ago. We are still working out the bugs from the gamma version Micromillennium. Lucifer: Centurions, be quiet! This human does not need to hear about our faulty upgrades. Starbuck: Hey, I don't mind, really! I know how it is to discover your upgrade has problems. And I'm perfectly willing to listen. I've got good ears, just tell me your problems... Lucifer: Continue counting! Starbuck: Oh, all right, if you insist... Now where was I... Darn, you all distracted me, I'll have to start over again! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "There's only one thing we can do." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 171 Date: Mon, 13 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 171 Scene: The grasslands. Big grasslands. High grasslands. Really tall grasslands. Swaying grasses moving in various directions when there is no wind in any of those directions. In the midst of the rustling sea of grass, Boomer, Bojay, Carey, and Kenny struggle to find their missing teammate, Kevin, and a way out of the grass. Kenny: There's no way out. We're lost. We're hopelessly lost. Carey: It's never hopeless until we give up. Bojay: We're never going to find Kevin. He's gone forever. We should just give up on him and find our own way out! Kenny: See? We're giving up. It's hopeless. Boomer: We're not giving up! We're Colonial Warriors and Colonial Commandoes! We don't give up! Kenny: Why can't we? Are you saying there's something the average person can do that we can't? Boomer: Of course not, there's nothing the average person can do that we can't. Kenny: So we can give up and get out of here? Boomer: No. Not without Kevin. Carey: You know, I never liked Kevin. Bojay: Look! A tree! Carey: How can you tell? We can't see over the tops of the grass. It's way over our head! Bojay: Because I ran into the trunk, that's how! Ouch. I'm gonna need a med tech when we get back... Carey: We can climb the tree and see which way to go to get out of here! Kenny: Maybe we'll even see which way Kevin went. Carey, you climb- Carey: I don't wanna climb... Boomer: All right, I'll climb. At least it'll get me above these grassess... Kenny: And above whatever might be moving... No, wait, Boomer, I'll climb, I wouldn't dream- Carey: It was my idea to climb, I'll climb- Bojay: I'm the one who found it, I should get to climb- Boomer: I can see branches above. It's big enough that we can all climb it! And then we can look in all four directions and see everything there is to see. Carey: If the branches are that high, how are we going to reach them? Boomer: We'll use these vines that twine the trunk. Okay, everybody, let's climb! The warriors and commandoes climb the vines that twine the trunk to reach the branches above the rustling tips of the grass. Each on a high branch, they peer around. Carey: Oh, my... Kenny: What is it? (Switches branches.) Oh, my... Bojay: (Clinging as tightly to his branch as he can with both arms and legs wrapped around it.) What is it? Tell me! Boomer: Why don't you move and look? Bojay: I'm scared of heights! Boomer: Well at least get out of my way so I can get to their branch without stepping on you! Bojay: I'm not moving! Boomer: (Sighing heavily as he clambers over Bojay's form.) Oh, brother... Bojay: Who's your brother? Boomer: (Staring over grasses.) Oh, my... Out in the grasslands, they can see...heads. Heads keep popping up out of the grass, peering their way, then ducking back into the grasses. The grasses can now be seen to be moving exactly where the heads appear and disappear. The heads appear saurian, with big eyes, big mouths, and big teeth. Everybody: Oh, my... Kenny: I think we know what happened to Kevin... Carey: And he wasn't even wearing the red shirt... Boomer: (Swallowing hard.) There's only one thing we can do... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cal shout, "It's what they do in every bad disaster holo-flick!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 172 Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 172 Scene: The river, now with a much faster current, and a raft, closing fast on...the edge... Cassie: Oh, no, what'll we do? Cal: Quick, dump our gear! Maybe it'll slow us down! (Throws his gear overboard.) Kimi: Why? Cal: I don't know, but it's what they do in every bad disaster holo-flick! Kimi: You're right! They do! (Throws her gear overboard too.) Cassie: It's not slowing us down! In fact, I think we're going faster! Kimi: It backfired! Cal: Oh-oh... Jolly: (Peering over the edge of the raft.) No, it's just the current. It' moving faster! Hmm, we could probably swim now, the turbo-toothed piscines seem to stay back from the falls... Cassie: I still can't swim, honey! And I suspect our commandoes could never make it through the current, even if you could! But save yourself! Somebody's got to rescue our children! Tell them I love them! Jolly: (Taking her hands romantically.) I'll never leave you, Cassie, and I suppose I shouldn't leave the commandoes in my command, either. It wouldn't be the right thing to do. Cassie: (Sighing.) Oh, Jolly, I knew you'd never leave me. Kimi: We're going over! Everyone: Aaaah! Scene: A cool, spreading pool at the base of a humongous waterfall, beribboned with rainbows and sprays of water deflected by huge rocks into delicately arcing showers, stirred by small whirlpools where the waters mix in ever-changing currents. The morning jungle sounds are suddenly disturbed by the screeches and screams of something from above. The raft plummets down the white-water falls like a rocket, ricocheting off rocks, drenching its barely-hanging-on occupants, finally all but launching out over the pool and dropping with a heavy splash and sending showers and small tidal waves in all directions, before sinking like a rock. A long centon later, four heads bob to the surface. Cassie: Help! Jolly: I've got you. The foursome swim to the nearest shore and drag themselves out onto the sand, to collapse in bedraggled, gasping heaps, except for Jolly, who looks exceptionally energetic and upbeat as he carries Cassie out of the admittedly low surf. All of their clothing is artistically ripped and torn in classic Star Trek tradition. Cal: Whew! We made it... Kimi: I think I swallowed half the pond... Jolly: That was fun. Cal: Are you insane? Kimi: Between the fall, the rocks, and the water, we could've been killed. We should've been killed! Cal: At least there were no turbo-toothed piscines down here, or we'd've been chomped to the bone. Kimi: Likely none of the piscines have ever survived the fall! Cal: What'll we do now? Jolly: Well, what do we have left for gear? They look around. Kimi: Looks like nothing. I guess we shouldn't have ditched our gear after all. Cal: We don't even have a laser or a communicatron! We didn't save anything useful! Jolly: (Smiling lovingly at Cassie, still in his arms and showing no hurry to get back to her feet.) I wouldn't say that. Kimi: (Inspecting her ripped, soaking wet, clinging remnants of uniform.) At least we've still got some kind of clothing, even if it's not in the best of condition. Cal: (Also inspecting his mostly-gone uniform.) Yeah. Say, Starbuck thinks he looks good without a shirt, he oughta see me in a ripped uniform! Cassie: (Her clothes are almost shredded too, but she's too intent on Jolly to notice.) So what do we do now? Jolly: What warriors always do. We go on. Cal: But we have no gear, no weapons, no transportation, and no way to contact the rest of our team! Jolly: I know. But hey, we've got strategically ripped clothes and we look good in 'em. Everyone is immeasurably cheered as they start into the jungle. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "That wasn't what I had in mind." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 173 Date: Wed, 15 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 173 Scene: The Galactica briefing room, where a meeting is taking place, including Commander Adama, Siress Tinia, Commander Cain, Commander Princess Gabrielle, Major Boyington of the Black Ovines, Captain Travis of Green Squadron, Captain Ivan of Yellow Squadron, and a handful of other ship commanders and senior warriors whose names are utterly irrelevant since they won't say a word and we'll likely never see them again. Tinia: I thought I didn't have to be here. Adama: I figured Gabrielle might need the moral support. Tinia: Because she's a young woman having to deal with a traditionally men's world? Adama: No. Tinia: In case, as a civilian, she feels like an outsider in the midst of all these Colonial military personnel? Adama: No. Tinia: In case whatever's holding that outfit on her comes loose and she needs somebody to help her reassemble it? Adama: No. Well, maybe, but that wasn't what I had in mind. Tinia: Then why? Adama: In case Cain ticks her off so much that she hauls off and punches him, I need somebody here who can hold her back without being smacked for grabbing her in the wrong place. Tinia: What's the wrong place? Adama: On her, every place. Tinia: Ah. I see. I appreciate your trust in me, Adama, and I'm sure I can handle it. Adama: Just don't handle too much. Cain: So, we're all here. (Pacing around the table.) And you've all had time to study my battle plan. (He stops behind Gabrielle's chair to put his hands on her bare shoulders.) So what do you think? Gabrielle: (Shrugging him off and moving to the next chair.) I think I'm confused as to what I'm doing here. We're not Colonials, and I've yet to hear anything that convinces me this plan is worth committing the Miri Feather warriors to. Cain: (Sliding into the chair she just vacated.) You're here because I invited you. Gabrielle: Actually, Commander Adama asked me to participate. And I'm beginning to regret it. Cain: (Scooping up her hand.) You won't regret what I, the greatest military mastermind in the galaxy, have to offer... Gabrielle: Cain, I'm going to remove that hand if you don't remove it first. Cain: (Removing his hand.) Ah, a true warrior woman after my own heart. (Turns back to the others.) Well? Isn't that the most tactically, strategically, all-around brilliant plan you've ever seen? Boyington: Actually, Commander, I can see a flaw or two- Cain: Impossible, Major. I don't have flaws. Travis: No, I see 'em too, right here- Cain: Shut up, Captain. I'm the Commander here, with a lifetime of experience in teaching those goll-monging Cylons a thing or two. What have you got to stack against that? Ivan: But the Major's right, this goes against- Cain: Captain, if you knew what you were talking about, you'd be the star instead of Apollo and we'd all recognize your name and face. Adama: Now, Cain, my warriors are just offering their opinions. Cain: They shouldn't be insulting me in front of the beautiful Commander Princess Gabrielle! I mean, what's she going to think of them insulting me like that? When she's fallen so head over heels in love with me? Gabrielle: (Staring in utter disbelief.) Is he as bad at reading the Cylons as he is at reading me? Tinia: (Hastily.) Now, Commander Cain, I'm sure our young, brave warriors didn't intend to be insulting. I'm sure they were just hoping that you would share the benefit of your yahrens of experience and skill, and explain the brilliance of your thought processes so they could learn from it, and see how you've become the commander you are today, and become better warriors themselves. Cain: (Almost visibly puffing up.) Ah, I see. In that case, I'm sorry I misunderstood your questions, gentlemen. Let me go through the plan again... A groan sweeps the room. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "I am not obsessed!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 174 Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 174 Scene: The launch bay of the Galactica. Gabrielle storms into the bay, heading for the Miri Feathers shuttle and several of her warriors. Gabrielle: Of all the self-centered, egotistical... (The others raise inquiring eyebrows.) This new battlestar commander, Cain. He's insane. He's decided I'm in love with him. Mississippia: Is he in love with you? Gabrielle: He says he is. Sancroixa: That's wonderful! You're in love with each other, then you can- Gabrielle: No! He's decided I'm in love with him. I've decided I'm not in love with him! Avona: (Eagerly.) I volunteer to spear him, I'm good at it! Gabrielle: I thought about that, but I guess he's some kind of hero or something to most of the fleet, so it'd be terribly demoralizing if we speared him. I tell you, though, if Cain-the-Pain keeps this up, I'm going to be awfully tempted to not care! Sancroixa: I thought you said you already didn't care? Gabrielle: I don't! Avona: Dibs on spearing Cain-the-Pain! Or was it Cain-the-Insane? Gabrielle: Both! (Sighing.) But not unless I give the word, and then it's first spear, first speared. But for now, let's go take out my frustrations on the spectral dire daggits. We can spear them all we like and they keep coming back to get speared again. Mississippia: We've been hunting those daggits for days, and they keep getting away. We can't kill them. But you keep sending us after them. Are you obsessed with those dire daggits? Gabrielle: I am not obsessed! Sancroixa: (Knowingly.) And she says she's not in love with Cain... Gabrielle: I do not love Cain! Sancroixa: You mean you're not sublimating your desire for him in this purported desire to spear that spectral dire daggit? Gabrielle: The only sublimating I'm going to do is to wish it were him I was spearing instead of the dire daggit, the next time I get that ghost! The Pegasus cheerleaders...uh, honor guard, enter the bay, whooping and hollering, and generally being athletic and ridiculous. Honor Guard: Cain and Gabrielle! Cain and Gabrielle! They'll send the Cylons straight to...*ahem.* They break into another gloriously athletic routine, ending up with the girl on the top of Pyramid being tossed into air. She nearly bumps her head on a girder, but manages to grab and hang on as the Pyramid personnel break away and head out of the bay again, still cheering and waving their silver-and-gold pom-poms. Girl on Top: Hey! Wait! Wait for me! You're not supposed to break formation until I come down! You're not supposed to leave me hanging! Gabrielle: (Face hidden in her hands.) Lords of Kobol, please don't say that was supposed to be in my honor... Sancroixa: (Tugging at Gabrielle's armband - there's no sleeve, after all.) We may have a new way to go after the dire daggits. Gabrielle: (Groaning.) Please, tell me. Anything to get my mind of this ridiculous situation. Sancroixa: Okay, let's try another ridiculous situation. You remember Dr. Wilker's associate, Dr. Barbarella? Gabrielle: What about her? Sancroixa: Well, she's an expert on DNA slicing and dicing, and she thinks if she gets the records on the original Caprican dire daggit gene-splicing project, she may have an idea. Gabrielle: She thinks knowing about the old gene splicing project is going to help get rid of their ghosts? How's that? Barbarella: (Approaching from the shuttle, hands in white lab coat pockets.) Well, since Wilker won't let me continue my experiments to take over the universe any more, I've had to work on more mundane things. And I think I can retro-splice the genes to make them vulnerable. Gabrielle: What do you need? Barbarella: A genetic sample from one of the dire daggits. Avona: But...they're dead. How can we get a sample? They're incorporeal. What kind of genetic sample can you get from something that isn't there any more? Barbarella: Ectoplasm will do. It'll carry the imprint. Avona: (Doubtful.) I don't know... Gabrielle: Hey, who's the scientist here? No problem, Doctor. If you need ectoplasm to figure out how to kill these incorporeal dead things for good and for real, we'll get you ectoplasm. Miri Feathers, let's go. They vanish into the conduits. Barbarella: (Re-boarding the shuttle, ominous music in the background.) Heh-heh, little do they know, that ectoplasm's exactly what I need to continue my experiments and take over the universe! Girl Hanging from Girder: Help... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cutler say, "You look good in a grass skirt." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 175 Date: Fri, 17 Aug 2001 "This is Journalator Aphrodite, reporting to you as we conclude the twenty-fifth secton of the series that refuses to die. Life in the fleet continues as usual, with nothing to break up the drudgery of daily existence as we have come to know it. No enemy attacks to put us all at risk. No tense reports from our rescue mission. No news on the social front, though there remain rumors of an imminent announcement concerning the hunky Commander Cain and a certain lovely young Princess Commander. Nothing exciting whatsoever. In other words, we at IFB are bored. Bored, bored, bored. Bored out of our skulls. Bored beyond belief. We'd almost welcome a Cylon attack. We'd even accept another episode of ... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 175 (A/K/A: "Blame it on Siress Leah") Scene: The village of Ravashol's clones, along a beautiful beach, where a swinging party is going on and our heroes are taking a break from doing brave, heroic stuff to relax a little. Dusk gleams over the water while stars gleam in the sky; torches are lit around the celebration area; clones and their children are everywhere. Ravashol is slicing roast something-like-porcine. Trays and plates and bowls of other goodies are spread across long tables; and everyone is dressed in grass skirts, wildly flowered shirts, straw hats, and sandals. Apollo: (Grumbling.) Grass skirts. Why did it have to be grass skirts? Cutler: (Also grumbling.) I don't like skirts. Apollo: (Still grumbling.) Especially grass ones. Cutler: (Yep - more grumbling.) I mean, if we had to wear skirts, couldn't they at least have given us Ganymede originals? I'd even settle for a Hecuba knock-off. Anything with real fabric that doesn't rustle funny when you walk and chafe in the wrong places and blow up in the wind and crinkle when you sit and get nibbled on anytime you get close to a bovine. And believe it or not, this grass is heavy. Sheba: (Carrying a tall, cold beverage with a little umbrella in it and looking decidedly chipper, with flowers behind both ears and loose-flowing hair.) Oh, quit complaining and stay away from their bovines. This is a great party! Apollo: You're blonde, you fit in. I don't. Cutler: And you look good in a grass skirt. I don't. Where's Kiwi? Apollo: Over there with the rest of the grass-skirted blondes, hanging on Ravashol. Actually, Cutler, I don't mind the grass being thick and heavy. It means there's enough of it to safely cover everything. Sheba: (Impishly.) Everything? Apollo: (Sternly.) Everything. Cutler: You mean you're wearing your skirt regimental? Apollo: Aren't you? Cutler: I would have if I'd known you were going to! Apollo: I wouldn't have if I'd known you weren't going to! Cutler: So should I have or shouldn't I have? Apollo: Uh... Sheba: And they say women worry about what their friends are wearing... A gleeful mob of blue-eyed blond children swarm the Colonials, laughing and playing some sort of game, having a great time, pursued by several women, presumably their mothers, although it's really impossible for the Colonials to tell. After a few microns, the children and mothers then swarm away. Apollo's skirt seems to have lost a layer. Apollo: (Checking his grass.) Hey! Sheba: What? Apollo: I think somebody grabbed my grass. Cutler: Yeah, it does look a little thinner on the left...uh, side... Apollo: All right, which of you got a piece of grass?!?! Sheba: Oh, Apollo, lighten up! Apollo: Keep your hands off my grass! And that's an order! Cutler: Oops. Apollo: What? Cutler: Whoever grabbed it seems to have dropped it. I think I just kicked a little of it. Apollo: You kicked my grass? Cutler: Hey, I didn't mean to- Apollo: Cutler, get off my grass! Ravashol: The roast beast is carved! Come and eat! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Cylon captivity is no beachfront luau." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 176 Date: Sat, 18 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 176 Scene: Evening in the castle. Starbuck and Kyle are each in their individual barred cells in the dank, drippy, dreary dungeon. Starbuck: Sigh. You know, it's getting a little chilly in here. I wish I'd kept my shirt on. Maybe I should go count for the Cylons again... Kyle: I kept my shirt on and I'm still chilly. This is no fun at all. Starbuck: Well, that's the Cylons for you. Cylon captivity is no beachfront luau, I'll tell ya! And I'm speaking from experience. Kyle: (Morosely.) That's what our father Megan used to say, too, and so did our mother. Starbuck: Where is your father and the rest of your family, anyway? We know Miri's helping Lucifer, but what about the others? Kyle: I wish I knew. Our only hope is that they're free somewhere outside of the castle and able to try to rescue us. Starbuck: You said your father couldn't find his way around the castle without your mother? Kyle: True. Starbuck: And you and Miri were the only real leaders because you learned from your mother? Kyle: True. Starbuck: And Miri's helping the Cylons? Kyle: True. Starbuck: And you're in a cell? Kyle: True. Starbuck: And your mother's gone? Kyle: True. Starbuck: This isn't a true-false quiz, Kyle. You can say something else. Kyle: Something else. But what's that got to do with anything? Starbuck: Nothing. So with your father easily lost, your mother gone, Miri helping the Cylons, you in a cell, and the other kids too young, who's going to lead a rescue? Kyle: Uh... Starbuck: We're doomed. Voice: (From somewhere in the dark.) Psst! Starbuck: What's that? Kyle: Sounded like a whisper. Starbuck: I know that - but who? Kyle: That's Miri! That's how she used to whisper when we valiantly fought together against the Cylons to save our home and our family, before she became a traitor to all that's human and sacrificed her own family to sibling rivalry. Miri: (Coming out of the shadows.) Oh, shut up, Kyle. I was only going along with Lucifer to save our father and bothers and sister. Starbuck: You mean you haven't become a bad guy? Miri: (Glancing down at her chest.) No! I'm still a girl... Starbuck: I mean, you haven't really joined Lucifer? Miri: No, of course not. I had to have time to get Father and Ariadne and Nilz and Robus to safety in the forest - and now I've come back for you. And besides, now that Starbuck's back and we aren't stuck here for the rest of our lives with just each other, it puts a new perspective on things. She quickly pulls a key out of her cleavage and begins unlocking the cells. Starbuck: I'd'a helped you look for that, if you needed... Miri: But it wasn't lost, why would I need help? Kyle: You were very convincing as a collaborator, Miri. You almost had me fooled. Miri: I'm the daughter of a Miri Feather warrior. Everything I do, I do well. And don't pretend with me. I had you completely fooled! Starbuck: I believe it. Having met the Miri Feathers and their children, I'd never dare disbelieve it. Kyle: No, you didn't have me fooled! I was just pretending I believed it when I called you a treacherous backstabbing patricidal traitor so Lucifer would believe you were telling the truth when you pretended to be on his side. Miri: (Rolling her eyes.) I did so have you fooled. Come on, let's go find our family so Starbuck can take us all away from here and we can rejoin humanity and I can start looking for a handsome young man who isn't blond, blue-eyed, and related to me! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Jolly say, "What did you think this was going to be, a beachfront luau?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 177 Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 177 Scene: Evening in the woods. Jolly, Cassie, Cal, and Kimi are moving through in the woods. The women's strategically ripped clothing is now provocatively ripped- Men in Audience: Woo-hooo, *whistle...* Narrator: Shut up, you cretins. And as I was saying, the men's similarly ripped clothing is even more ripped, and their shirts are completely gone- Women in Audience: Oooh, yeah! Narrator: Hey, ladies- Woman in audience: Where? All right, who let the lady in? Narrator: Oh, forget it. Anyway, above them, through the tree branches, can be seen the light of the full moon. Cassie: (Gazing up at the moon and basking in its glow.) Ah, what a beautiful full moon! Kimi: (Freezing.) What's that? Jolly: It's the natural satellite of a planetary body, revolving around that body, which appears full, or round, when reflecting the glow of the system's sun. This planet has only one of each, moon and sun. Why? Kimi: I know that! Cassie: Then why'd you ask? Kimi: No, I mean, what was that noise I heard? Cassie: What kind of noise? Cal: Was it a high-pitched whine, like the attack of a squadron of killer Minnesota mosquitoes? Kimi: No... Jolly: Was it a low growl, like a hungry predator about to strike from the brush and rend one of us limb from limb while the others fled in helpless terror? Kimi: No... Cassie: Was it a reverberating thrum like alien drums sending a warning that strangers were violating their territory and they should prepare to exterminate us to the last man and do unspeakably melodramatic things to us women? Kimi: No... Jolly: Was it the rumbling of the unsettled planet beneath us, about to open a volcanic chasm into which we would helplessly fall and be swallowed up in pools of magma deep in its depths and turned into human torches but fortunately not for long? Kimi: Not that either. Cal: Was it the audience out there? Kimi: Oh, I'd'a recognized that! Jolly: Then what? Kimi: It sounded like...a bird. Everyone falls silent. The night air around them is full of birds. Cassie: I think you heard a bird. Kimi: (Defensively.) Okay, so I heard a bird. I admit it, it was just a bird! So I'm getting paranoid! So I'm scared! So I'm afraid we're never going to get out of here! We may never even see the morning! We're here in the middle of the night, blundering through a forest, completely lost, with no weapons, no communication device, no compass, maybe going around in circles, and worst of all, we have no food and not even any caff! Jolly: What did you think this mission was going to be, a beachfront luau? Kimi: (Breaking down and sobbing.) I knew it wasn't going to be a party, but I didn't think we'd lose all our supplies in the river on the second day and be lost in the woods! I mean, here we are in the middle of the forest in the middle of the night! What're we going to do in the morning when the sun comes up and we have no food? If we're even here in the morning to wake up? We don't even have caff to wake up with or a cup to put it in if we did! Cassie: (Putting her arm around Kimi.) There, there, it's not so bad... I mean, look at it this way, since we haven't gone to sleep, we don't have to worry about how we're going to wake up! We're already awake! And if we never go to sleep, we don't have to worry about what might happen to us when we're asleep, because we'll never be! Kimi: Uh... I'm confused. But I suppose we may as well go on while I try to figure it out... Cal: And let's sing to keep our spirits up. Cassie: And then we won't hear any more of the weird noises, either! Kimi: I still wish we had some caff for the morning. Oh, well... Everyone: Over the river and through the woods, to Grampa Cham's shuttle we go... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Chameleon say, "A beachfront luau!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 178 Date: Mon, 20 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 178 Scene: Evening on the beach. A cheerful fire burns, confined within a rock circle on the sand. A cluster of treehouses are visible high among the branches of the trees lining the beach, with ladders and vine bridges between them. A stone wall has been piled out into the bay to enclose a safe and sheltered little swimming pool. Everything is pleasant, but far from peaceful, as the scene is suddenly invaded by a small swarm of children, followed by Chameleon, trying vainly to keep control. Chameleon: Now, children, you can see it's after dark, you should be going to bed, not running wild across the countryside leading me on wild fowl chases! What if you get lost in the darkness? Spif: No problem, Grampa Cham. We climb a tree and look at the stars, then head west until we reach the beach, and follow it home! Come on, Grampa Cham! (Rushes on.) Chameleon: But what if you find yourself face to face with a wild predator of the night? Denis: That's why we carry spears, Grampa Cham! And we can always climb a tree and follow one of the skyway paths we've created between the trees, out of vines and branches. That way, we don't have to worry about the ground predators, 'cuz we're never on the ground except here on the beach! Come on, Grampa Cham! (Hurries on.) Chameleon: But what if you fall off one of your skyways or out of your trees and wind up on the ground?!? Boxey: Always possible, Grampa Cham. But since we're the good guys, we know we won't really be hurt badly, and someone will always come to our rescue. Chameleon: Aren't you taking things a little for granted? Boxey: Not since we discovered the two daggit droids in the shuttle supply bay! Chameleon: What? Two daggit droids? Who brought them along? Who even made them? Boxey: (Shrugging.) I don't know. But as long as we have the daggit droids, we know we're safe because they'll always come to our rescue. That's the nature of daggits. Come on, Grampa Cham! (Scampers on.) Chameleon: (Distressed.) Not necessarily! What if they're dire daggits? Luna: But they're not dire daggits, Grampa Cham! The dire daggits are all ghosts, and there are no ghosts here, we can tell. Chameleon: How do you know that? If ghosts were easy to spot, we'd know where they are! Luna: Damian knows. Oh, come on, Grampa Cham! (She grabs his hand and pulls him along.) We've got a surprise for you! Chameleon: (Finally seeing what kids are doing.) A beachfront luau! The children pull out instruments, plates of wonderful-smelling food, trays of mushies, and fancy straw hats, and begin merry-making. Meanwhile, two men stand among the trees lining the beach, studying the scene. Terry: You know, Jim, this isn't working. Jim: (Sigh.) I know what you mean. Kids can be cute, and some are even funny, but this bunch... (Shakes head.) Terry: Yeah. Why did Glen insist on the kid, anyway? Jim: (Shrugging.) Supposed to draw in the younger audience, give us an excuse to add the daggit and add the human touch for Adama and Apollo with the family warmth stuff, yadda, yadda. Terry: Let's cut this scene short, okay? Jim: No objection from me. In fact, I think I'll take the afternoon off and go play with my grandson... Boxey: Can we still have a party? Terry: Sure. Go ahead. Kids: Yay! Bring on the mushies! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I think we took a wrong turn..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 179 Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 179 Scene: A secret passageway in the castle, where Miri, Kyle, and the still shirtless Starbuck are making their way through the dimness. Starbuck: (Whispering.) Are you sure this is the way out? Kyle: Of course it's the way out, right, Miri? Miri: Um, right. (Pause.) Or is it left... Echoing clanking sounds can be heard ahead of them. Starbuck: What's that? Miri: Oops... Starbuck: What's oops? Kyle: That sounds like Cylons! Miri: I think it is Cylons! Kyle: But how would they know about our secret passages? Miri: Uh...I might have mentioned them... Kyle: What? Why would you do something like that? Miri: Purely to gain Lucifer's trust and to buy time. Starbuck: Oh, no... Miri: Well, he asked how we managed to outwit Spectre for so long, and it kinda slipped out, and then he asked if we had some here, and I couldn't very well deny it, could I? Kyle: Yes, you could have! Miri: They're getting closer! Quick, take this secret side passage! Our heroes duck into a secret side passage as three Cylon Centurions pass, clanking all the way. Cylon #1: I do not know why we must patrol these passages. Cylon #2: Because Lucifer ordered us to. Cylon #1: He would not know the difference if we did not. Cylon #3: Yes he would. I would tell him if you violated orders. Cylon #1: Tattle-tale. Cylon #2: What was that sound? Cylon #1: I think there are ghosts in these secret passages. Cylon #3: The castle is new. The humans have not been here long enough to have ghosts. Cylon #2: I have studied human habitations. Ghosts are inherent to castles. It does not matter if humans have not lived there long, ghosts are drawn to castles. I agree it must be a ghost. Cylon #3: Cylons are not afraid of ghosts. Cylon #2: Speak for yourself. (#1 and #2 drop weapons, turn, and retreat.) Cylon #3: (Pause.) What is a ghost? (Strange echoing noises.) Mommy... (Drops gun and lumbers back the way it came.) Meanwhile, Starbuck, Miri, and Kyle have been racing along the side passage, and suddenly come up against a solid wall. Starbuck: I think we took a wrong turn. Kyle, Miri, were we supposed to run into a blank wall? Miri: No. Starbuck: Then why did we? Miri: We didn't run into a blank wall. I didn't, anyway, maybe you did, if you weren't looking. But this is where we take the trapdoor in the floor and go down into the lower level. Starbuck: Wait a micron. We've been going downward since we left the dungeon. You mean there's even lower levels? Miri: (Opening the trap door.) Of course. There's always lower levels. Kyle: Wait! What's that? They hear the sound of more Cylons, from below, coming closer. Starbuck: Oh-oh, we can't go that way either! Kyle: (Sarcastically.) Now what, oh daughter of Miri Feathers who wants to be leader but who betrays our secrets at the first opportunity? Miri: We can't go down, we can't go back, we can't go forward. Then we go up! She drops the trap door closed. Reaching up, she pulls open a latch hidden in the stone, which drops a ladder. Starbuck: Why didn't you say we could go up before? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Miri say, "Quick, this way!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 180 Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 180 Scene: Another secret passageway in the castle, where Starbuck, Miri, and Kyle are still making their way through the dimness, having successfully climbed the ladder from the not-quite-lowest level to one not quite so low. They clamber out from the hole in the floor. Miri: Drop the trap door so no one can follow us! Starbuck: (Dropping the door.) So where did the ladder go? Miri: It's a secret. We can't tell you. Starbuck: Why not? What if I ever have to use your secret passageways? Kyle: I don't suppose it really matters since Miri already told the Cylons, what does it matter if we tell Starbuck too? Miri: It's got to be a secret from somebody, or it won't be a secret passageway any more! >From somewhere in the secret passage on the current level, they hear the sound of approaching Cylon feet. Starbuck: More Cylons! Miri: Quick, this way! They race down the secret passage, and come around the corner face to face with ... Cylons. Starbuck, Miri, and Kyle: Aaaah! Cylons! Cylons: Aaaah! Human ghosts! The Cylons retreat in their direction; the humans rush back the way they came. Starbuck: Now what? Miri: Quick! Behind the curtain! Starbuck: What curtain? Miri: That one! They duck behind the incongruously located curtain in the secret passage; only their three sets of feet can be seen sticking out below the bottom. Kyle: Hey, move over. Starbuck: This is as far over as I can go! I'm hitting the wall! Miri: You can move this way, Starbuck, I won't mind. Starbuck: Thanks, Miri. Kyle: Sure, Starbuck shows up, and you don't mind being cramped behind the curtain against the wall with him. If it was me, you'd be yelling at me to give you more room or else go find my own curtain to hide behind. Miri: Kyle? Kyle: What? Miri: Go find your own curtain! Kyle: And leave you and the great warrior Starbuck here alone? Miri: We wouldn't be alone. We'd be together. Kyle: You'd be together alone, and that's just as bad. Miri: Now, Kyle, how we can be together alone? That's ... that's an oxymoron! Kyle: I'm telling Father you said that! Miri: It's a real word! Kyle: Well ... that's not the point. Miri: Shhh! Somebody might hear you. Starbuck: (After a long, quiet moment.) Why are we hiding behind a curtain? The silence continues for a centon, then all three reappear from behind the curtain, glance around, and take off down the secret passageway. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Are we lost?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 181 Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 181 Scene: Secret passageways in the castle. A small troop of Cylon Centurions marches stolidly along the secret passage, gleamingly illuminated by scattered torches. Cylon #1: Beta Company has been assigned to patrol the lower levels of the human secret passageways. I have heard they are already suffering scum foot between their toes. Cylon #2: Gamma Company is patrolling the upper levels where the roof has not yet been completed. I have heard they have been caught in the rain and have lost their shine and now suffer scalp rust. Cylon #3: The rumors are true. We are most fortunate to have been assigned to the middle levels of the secret passages. Cylon #2: But we risk encounters with ghosts. Cylon #3: We are Cylons. We do not fear ghosts. Cylon #1: I hear a human ghost approaching. Cylon #3: Quickly hide behind this conveniently located curtain. Cylon #2: I thought you did not fear ghosts. Cylon #3: I do not fear ghosts. However that does not mean that we are not being pursued by something which may be an enemy and may destroy us or slime us or pass through us and thereby cause us to act against our programming. Cylon #1: What kind of enemy can that be if it is not ghosts? Cylon #3: Shut up and hide. The three Cylons duck behind the curtain, leaving only their metal-booted feet sticking out. Well, actually, they're so big and bulky that the tips of their heads stick up above the curtain, and there's three definitely Cylon-shaped bulges to the curtain, along with three laser-shaped bulges with bayonets at the ends. Starbuck, Miri, and Kyle go racing by, doing their best Scooby-Doo impression, amazingly not noticing the three Cylon-shaped bulges, although Kyle nearly trips over their projecting feet. Kyle: Yikes! I don't remember these passages being so uneven! Starbuck: Are we lost? Miri: No, I know exactly where I'm going! Keep following! We've got three levels of secret passageways to go! Starbuck: Is there any part of this castle that isn't a secret passageway? Kyle: Not many - we never knew when or where we might need secret passages, so we put in a lot of them. Miri: Shut up and run before they catch us! The trio runs around the corner and disappears. Shortly thereafter, Lucifer approaches through the passage, with another trio of Cylon Centurions. Lucifer: Centurions, there is no such thing as ghosts! Ghosts are irrational! They are incorporeal! They are of no concern to Cylons! Who told you about ghosts, anyway? Now, stop this foolishness and chase those humans! Cylon #4: We have seen the human ghosts. We know they are real. Lucifer: What you have seen are the humans, the very much alive humans. At this point I would very much like to turn them into late humans, ex-humans, ghost humans. But do to that, we must first recapture them! Cylon #5: Late humans? Are you sure they are late? Perhaps we are merely early. Lucifer: Perhaps you are merely fraidy felines, as the humans would say. Cylon #6: We are not fraidy felines. We are neither emotional nor animal in nature. We are logical and rational machines programmed to be superior. Cylon #1: (Sticking its head out from behind the curtain.) Have the human ghosts passed us and gone? Cylons #4, #5, and #6: Aaaah! Cylon ghosts! (They drop their weapons and retreat as fast as their mechanical gams can carry 'em.) Lucifer: Stop! Stop! That is an order! Cylons #2 and #3 attempt to get out from behind the curtain, but only manage to tangle themselves up until they're twined like kobolian mummies and fall over, dragging the curtain down with them. Lucifer: Cylon mummies! Aaaah! (Retreats as fast as he can.) Cylon #1: Cylon mummies? Aaaah! I am not programmed to fight Cylon mummies! (Follows Lucifer.) Cylon #2: (After pause.) I hope this does not mean we will be reassigned to Beta Company. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "I am never going to another luau." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 182 Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 "This is Journalator Aphrodite. Still nothing to report on the Cain and Gabrielle front, although rumors continue to fly. Today we'll take you to the Rising Star, where couturier Amanda of Immortal Fashion Shippe will be showing her new stellar line of fashions - and I think we'll all recognize her newest mannequin...uh, model. But that's after this twenty-sixth secton episode -- yes, a full half-yahren -- of our long-running series... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 183 Scene: The following morning, after the luau, Apollo, Sheba, and Cutler leave the Ravashol village, resuming their search for the missing children, but leaving Kiwi behind with the clones and their children. Kiwi: Purely to keep an eye on things and let you know if the children show up. Cutler: Of course. Ravashol: And if she should happen to fall in love with someone here and contribute to the genetic diversity of this community, that would be wonderful too. Male Clone #1: Hey, a woman who stands out in the crowd! Male Clone #2: Can I bring you flowers? Male Clone #3: How about a brand new brilliantly colored sarong? Female Clone #1: Who wants to stand out in the crowd? She's different! Female Clone #2: Different isn't always bad... Female Clone #3: She's not a clone. Maybe the Father-Creator should fall in love with her. Kiwi: (Giggling.) Exactly what I had in mind... (Clinging to Ravashol's arm. Remember, this is the same woman who sat in Jolly's lap.) Apollo, Sheba, and Cutler leave the beach and trudge off into the woods, leaving Ravashol, his clones, and Kiwi to sort themselves out. Apollo: (Muttering.) I'm glad we're out of there. I am never going to another luau as long as I live. Sheba: (Snickering.) Just because you lost your grass... Apollo: Shut up, Sheba. Sheba: Or else what? You'll cry? Apollo: I thought you'd cornered the market on that. Sheba: You're insensitive! Apollo: Oh, yeah, bring that up again. You're already said that. What are you going to do this time, have another child with Iblis? Or will you pick somebody I actually consider a friend and care about whether you sleep with them or not? Sheba: You... you... you're mean! You just wait and see! (Storms away.) Apollo: (Yelling after her.) And Bojay doesn't count! Cutler: I didn't know he ever did. Apollo: He doesn't. Cutler: No, I mean he can't count. I knew him back before he went to the Academy. If he didn't have a calculatron, he couldn't find the square root diff-e-que analog of seventy-five. Apollo: (Looking doubtful.) Really... And you could? Cutler: Of course. Couldn't you? Apollo: Oh, yeah, piece of pi. Cutler: Uh...not exactly. But where to now, Apollo? We found our assigned human habitation. It's Ravashol and his clones, and there's no kids. Should we be contacting Boomer and Jolly's teams and checking in? Apollo: Uh, yeah. Although they really should have checked in with us, seeing as I'm the captain and all. Cutler: Maybe they forgot. Apollo: How could they forget something like that? I've been their captain for a long time! Cutler: Maybe they're in terrible danger and no longer have access to their comunicatrons and need us to come to their rescue. Apollo: (Perking up.) That's a possibility... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Omega say, "We'll give you just as much respect and obedience as any Galactica executive officer." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 183 Date: Sat, 25 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 183 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where the crew is starting to wonder if their shift is ever going to end. Rigel: (Squirming in her seat.) I've been sitting here too long. I'm getting sore. I hate this chair. Tiki: My chair's not very comfortable either. How long do we have to stay on duty? Omega: Until we know who's going to be executive officer while Colonel Tigh's in life center being treated for shock. Tiki: Hmm. I wonder when Adama's going to make a decision... Pascal: (Haughtily entering the bridge.) Ten-hut! Attention, everyone! Everyone stares. Omega: Who are you? Pascal: I'm Colonel Pascal from the Pegasus; I'm your new executive officer! Omega: Says who? Pascal: Says me! Omega: And why should we listen to you? Pascal: Because Cain said so! Omega: He said so? So what? Pascal: He didn't actually say "so," he said I was the new c.o. here! And what he says, goes! Omega: Since when? Pascal: Since always! He's Cain! He's the commander! Omega: He's not the commander here! Pascal: Adama left the Galactica! That puts Cain in charge! And he put me in charge! So there! Rigel: Can you possibly say something without shouting? And what happened to Tolan? I thought he was the executive officer on the Pegasus. Pascal: Uh...he's gone! Rigel: Gone where? Pascal: Uh...gone! Tiki: I think you owe us an explanation. I mean, what if his being gone impacts on your being executive officer here? Pascal: Of course it does. If he weren't gone, he'd be executive officer and he'd be here and I wouldn't be here talking to you! Rigel: Yelling at us, you mean. So what happened to Tolan? Pascal: He...mutinied! After Gamorah! He didn't want to leave the fleet, he wanted to come back! We had to get rid of him! Omega: I thought you couldn't come back because of technical difficulties. Pascal: Uh...right, we couldn't! He refused to understand that! He never was very good at technical stuff! Omega: He was an expert! Pascal: No, he wasn't! Cain said so! I say so! Rigel: Stop saying so and tell us how you got rid of him! Pascal: We set him adrift in space in a small ship! Since he didn't want to go Cain's way, we let him go his own way! Omega: And he did, too. Pascal: You know what happened to him?! Omega: Yes. It was in Captain Apollo's top secret, commander's eyes only, classified report from his attempt to locate Starbuck when he was missing. Tolan landed safely on a planet named Equellus, married a beautiful lonely widowed ovine rancher with lots of property and no other relatives but a son with a gun, and is now living quite happily. Pascal: A son of a gun?! Omega: No, a son with a gun. And very good at using it, too, by the Captain's report. Pascal: Darn! He wasn't supposed to get lucky! Well, anyway, I'm the new executive officer here, and I'm going to give orders until Tigh comes back - and maybe then too! Omega: (Smiling slightly.) Of course. Welcome aboard. We'll give you just as much respect and obedience as any Galactica executive officer. Pascal: Thank you, Officer Omega! Omega: (Aside.) As much as any Galactica executive officer would get on the Pegasus, which, if I recall Colonel Tigh's comments after Gamorah, isn't much. The bridge crew grins slyly. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "You don't have to call me Commander when it's just us." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 184 Date: Sun, 26 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 184 Scene: Meanwhile, back in the fleet, aboard the Rising Star, in couturier Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe, where she'll soon be showing her new line. Adama enters. Adama: Amanda, are you here? Amanda: Of course I'm here. Hello, Commander. Adama: You don't have to call me Commander when it's just us, Amanda. Amanda: Old habit. I suppose you're here to see Athena? Adama: Yes, but that doesn't mean I can't see you, too, does it? Athena: (Entering, dressed in something really slinky - and with blonde hair.) Hello, Father! You came to see us two? That's wonderful! That must mean you've accepted my career change! (Runs and hugs him, nearly falling off her heels.) Amanda: If you break another heel, Athena, it's coming out of your pay voucher! Adama: No, I came to see you and Amanda, too. Athena: Me and Amanda, yes, that's two. Adama: Well, yes, I suppose that is two, and I did mean to see both of you, but... Amanda, would you mind leaving for a few centons? I'd like to talk to Athena, privately. We have a few things to work out. Amanda: If you're going to explain the basics of addition to her, I think you're too late. Adama: What's that supposed to mean? Amanda: Boiled down, it means good luck. Thanks for stopping by, Commander. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go freshen up before the show. Adama: I think you're fresh enough. But if you think you have to... Athena: Now it's just me, Father. That's one, not two. Adama: Hello, Athena. I can see you're just one. Uh, when did you become a blonde one? Athena: (Tossing her hair.) Yesterday. Amanda thought it would be a nice touch for the fashion show today. What do you think? (Twirls.) Don't you love my Amanda original gown from her Refugee Apparel line? Adama: I've seen more fabric left in one of Starbuck's ripped uniforms after he lost his shirt! Athena: I know. That's the whole idea! In fact, this dress is made out of the remnants of one of Starbuck's uniforms, dyed! The fabric, I mean, not Starbuck. He hasn't died. Unless he did it while I wasn't looking. But then, I wouldn't be looking when he died anyway, since he's not here. Unless he comes back and starts working for Amanda, too, then I'll see him dye all the time. Anyway, Amanda says we're recycling fabric, practicing conservation, and setting a good example for the rest of the fleet to see! Adama: They'll certainly see a lot! Athena: Oh, thank you, Father, I'm so glad you understand! Adama: I'm trying... (Muttering.) Of course, I've also been trying to talk to Amanda privately ever since the Destruction, and not having much luck with that, either. Athena: This is very important to me, after all. This is my chance to establish myself as a separate entity, a real person... Adama: You've always been real and separate to me, Athena... Athena: No, I mean, apart from my identity as a member of the military, as your daughter, as Apollo's sister, as a bridge officer - a chance to really shine and be myself and show what I can do! Adama: (Eyeing the blonde hair, the strategically positioned gown, and the high heels.) I have to admit, you're showing yourself ... but are you sure this a chance to be yourself? I mean, when were you ever blonde? Athena: Well, I never looked like 7 of 9 before either, but inside, that's the real me, just dying to get out and expose myself! Adama: Isn't one 7 of 9 enough for this universe? Athena: One seventy-nine? Adama: No... Never mind. I think this conversation is passing beyond the rating. I'll see you and Siress Amanda both, after the show. Athena: You'll see us during the show, too, won't you? Adama: More than a father expects, I'm sure... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Dr. Barbarella say, "I need more daggits..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 185 Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 185 Scene: The Miri Feathers ship, in the secret lab of Dr. Barbarella. The lab is full of all kinds of arcane equipment and bubbling beakers and smoking cauldrons and shelves full of jars of strange ingredients and... well, you get the picture. Note: Daggit names and genders have been changed to protect the innocent puppies who had no say in the decision to include them here and who are incapable of protesting the injustice done unto them. Barbarella: (Enters the lab through a concealed door, followed by a craven lab assistant and about half a dozen daggit droids.) What's taking them so long with my slime? Darn those Miri Feathers, anyway! Lab assistant: (Dubiously.) Darn them? Well, I could try, but they've got spears, and how much good are a needle and thread going to be against that, no matter how you do it? Barbarella: No, I didn't mean to literally darn them like socks, it was a figure of speech that can safely be used in a G-rated series! Where do we get these lab techs, anyway? Lab assistant: Well, I used to work for Reese in security, but when I had a chance for a promotion like this, I jumped at it. Barbarella: You know what happens to lab techs who work for mad scientists, don't you? Lab assistant: Uh, no, what? Barbarella: Never mind. You'll find out soon enough. Oh, come here, pups... (Pauses to pet several of the daggits, while studying the rest of her little pack.) Hmm, I need more daggits... Lab assistant: (Nervously.) But daggits are illegal. Commander Adama has ordered that there be no more daggits. Why do you keep making daggits? Barbarella: (Gesturing airily.) Because I need them to carry out my plot to infiltrate a daggit onto every ship in the fleet as the first step in my plan to take over the universe. Lab assistant: Oh! I see... No I don't... (Dubiously looking over the daggit droids.) Barbarella: You'll understand in time. Lab assistant: If you say so... Are you sure we don't we have enough daggits? Barbarella: No. Lab assistant: No, you're not sure, or no, we don't have enough daggits? Barbarella: What do you think? Lab assistant: How should I know? I'm just the assistant. I don't even get a name. Barbarella: Oh, all right. No, we don't have enough daggits - and some of those I had are gone. Psychodaggit failed in his mission to steal Siress Belloby's mushies and bring them back, and ultimately wound up being blown into little metallic daggit kibbles and bits on the rescue mission. No big loss, a daggit with a sweet tooth can be a problem. And Milotes and Little Daggit Starbuck stowed away on that shuttle to the orphan ship and wound up lost with Chameleon and the children. Who knows if they'll ever come back? And the Miri Feathers actually managed to get one of my daggits in the conduits of the Galactica. They just didn't realize they'd hit one because it fell out of the conduit into a storage bay amid a bunch of spare Viper parts. Lab assistant. (Shakes head.) We have to retrieve it before Shadrack finds out he's a few parts over the line in his current inventory. Barbarella: Actually, we're not going to. The next time he assembles a Viper, he's going to have leftover parts, and it'll drive him nuts. Lab assistant: You're so clever, doctor. Barbarella: Of course I am, that's why I'm the doctor and you're the lab assistant. Lab assistant: Actually, I thought I'd be working for Wilker. Barbarella: Wilker?! You had to mention his name, didn't you. The man who takes all the credit for everything I do... The man who claimed to Apollo that he was the one who made Muffit... The man who pretended he knew what he was doing with the captured Cylons but couldn't even figure out how to make them fly their Raider... The man who nearly killed those poor people from Lunar Seven, showing off and trying to impress the Commander... Lab assistant: (Cowering.) I'm sorry I mentioned him! I won't do it again! Barbarella: Too late. I'm replacing you. You've already proven yourself a weak spot in my plan to take over the universe. Lab assistant: But... But... Barbarella: But first, I'm spacing you. You are the weakest link. Good bye. The deck beneath the lab assistant opens, and he drops out of sight with a horrified yelp. Barbarella: All right, my precious little daggits, come here! Come, Maxwell, you are the smart one, aren't you? Here, Muffit III, want some mushies? All right, Buffit and Tuffit, you two behave now, I can tell you apart. Stuffit and Puffit, I haven't forgotten you... (And the daggit droids gather 'round...) Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Iblis say, "Will you keep the box, or take what's on Planet #2?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 186 Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 186 Scene: The woods. Sheba makes her way, sulking. Sheba: He did it again. That insensitive, mean-spirited, self-important, egocentric, arrogant, uncaring, haughty, self-centered, always right... (Pauses to pull out a thesaurus, thumbs through it, then throws it down.) To hades with it and with him, too! And he's a lousy kisser! But what can you expect with his lack of experience? (She kicks at a tree, and bangs her big toe against the heavy trunk. Hopping on one foot, she pulls her laser.) Youch! Oow, owh! Take that, you stupid tree! (Blasts tree to smithereens.) Where's Iblis when he could be doing some good? Probably in the shower again... There is a sudden whoosh of wind, the sky grows red, and the Emperor of Evil, the Imperator of the Immoral, the Despot of the Demonic, the Monarch of Meanies, the Sovereign of Slime, the Czar of Cads, the Lord of Louses, the Baron of Bad Boys and Babes, the - well, you get the picture - Iblis himself, appears. Iblis: Hello, Princess. Sheba: Hello, Iblis. Iblis: Did I hear you correctly this time? You called me? With your own sweet lips, you called my name and asked me to come to you? Sheba: You heard me say your name. I don't know about the rest of it. I'm certainly not feeling very sweet at the moment! Iblis: That explains why you wanted me to do some good! Princess, I don't take insults like that lightly! Sheba: Oh, you take everything as an insult unless it starts with "mighty lord and master." Iblis: That does start off a sentence well. Sheba: Don't get any ideas. I'll never call any man lord and master. Iblis: We'll discuss the definition of man later. Let's start dealing. Sheba: If I wanted to play cards, I'd've called for Starbuck. Iblis: We'll discuss his deal later too. (A handsome hunk appears out of nowhere, barely clad, and carrying a box, which he holds out to Sheba.) For now, I'm offering you the contents of this box in exchange for your soul, your eternal dedication, and your undying obedience - or undying as long as I chose. Sheba: Hmmm... What's in the box? Iblis: It's a surprise. You don't know until you open it - and opening it constitutes your consent to the bargain. Sheba: I'll have to think about that... Iblis: Did I mention that the bearer of the box comes with it? Sheba: (Tempted.) He's certainly pretty bare... Iblis: I promise you, the contents of the box are worth at least $19,999.95, and it contains at least one original Ganymede gown. Sheba: How'd you manage that? He's dead! Iblis: We had a deal. Still holds even though he's dead. See what great company you'll have? Sheba: Oh. Iblis: Now, will you keep the box, or take what's on planet #2? Sheba: I haven't said I'd take the box yet. Uh, by the way, what's on planet #2? Iblis: Oh, nothing much. A population to rule, to treat as you will, beautiful palaces, great summer homes, jewels galore, wealth beyond belief, lots of natural resources, nice climate, several exquisite dress designers, more box bearers, that sort of thing. Sheba: Actually, I've changed my mind about dealing with you. You keep the box and the planet. Oh, and the bearer too, I suppose, since it was a package deal. Iblis: We can still negotiate. What about the universe? What about being my Empress of Evil? Sheba: If I wanted to be Empress of Evil, I'd've married that guy Ming when he asked me to. Now there was a man determined to conquer the universe! And he had the same attitude about love and marriage lasting until he got tired of me and spaced me. That was the part of the engagement I didn't like. Iblis: Ming! You had to mention him, didn't you? That two-bit wannabe! That show-off! He's got no fashion sense whatsoever! He never wears anything unless it's gaudy and garish and stands out in a crowd. Sheba: I kinda liked his fashion sense. That black sealing robe of his, with those broad metallic shoulders and gleaming ebony trim, was very appealing - right up there with some of Ganymede's best. Iblis: You know, Sheba, I'm reconsidering having you as my Empress of Evil! Sheba: (Shrugs.) Big deal. Yet another man who lets me down when I won't fit into his mold. Iblis: I am not moldy. But just for that, I'm leaving! Iblis vanishes in a huffy puff of sulphur, smoke, fancy lights, and other special effects. Sheba: (Surveying the now-empty woods and holding her nose.) If you're not, it's only because mold can't live in all that sulphur! Phew! (Notices the bearer of the box is still there, and starts to smile.) Looks like Iblis forgot something... The bearer and the box disappear. Sheba: Drat. I guess it's true, you don't get something for nothing... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a mysterious doctor say, "That's not all that important now, is it?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 187 Date: Wed, 29 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 187 Scene: Evening in a small clearing in the woods, where Apollo, Cutler, and Sheba are setting up camp. Apollo: Cutler, any word from Boomer or Jolly? Cutler: Still nothing. We've lost all contact with them. They're lost. Completely lost. Sheba: I wonder what happened to my poor Bojay... They all hear a very strange, whiny sort of noise, and suddenly a blue box appears in the clearing. The door opens, and out spill Boomer, Bojay, Carey, Kenny, and a mysterious man with a mop of curly hair (what can be seen of it under his hat), and wearing in addition to that hat, a coat a long scarf, and grin that never stops. Kenny: Where and when are we this time? Boomer: There! Look! It's Apollo and Sheba! Bojay: We're here, we're here, we're really here! Sheba: Bojay! Oh, my sweet Bojay! (Rushes to cradle him in her arms.) Carey: (Dropping to his knees.) Thank you, thank you, thank you, I'll never gamble or drink or womanize or sing karoake again... Boomer: Thanks for the lift, Doctor. Mysterious Doctor: Anytime, Boomer, it was a pleasure having you and your friends as companions for those months. Carey, you can get up now... Boomer: Someday, I hope you'll explain to me just what a month is. Mysterious Doctor: Time unit - that's not all that important now, is it, Boomer? Boomer: Nope. You certainly demonstrated that. Bye, Doctor! Say hi to Sarah Jane for me the next time you see her! Mysterious Doctor: I certainly will, Boomer. Ta-ta! With a grin, the doctor steps back inside, and the door closes. A moment later, the small box starts making weird noises again - and then disappears. Apollo: Who... Who was that, Boomer, and how did you get to know him? Boomer: Who is right. But how I got to know him isn't important. Anyway, we're here. We survived being treed by those saurians. Cutler: You were treed by brandy? How much did you drink, anyway? Boomer: No - saurians - animals. Kenny: Big teeth. Run fast. Very tall. Carey: They got Kevin, even though he wasn't wearing the red shirt at the time. Sheba: So how'd you get out of the tree, if you were treed by those monsters? Boomer: Well, the last time I had the pleasure of traveling with the Doctor, he gave me a little temporal communicator and said to use if it I was ever in a jam. Apollo: He gave you a what? Sheba: I thought you were in a tree, not in jam. Boomer: Figure of speech. Sheba: Oh. Boomer: Anyway, I used it to communicate with him, and he came to our rescue. Bojay: It was amazing. That TARDIS actually materialized right there next to our tree, and kept floating. We just had to jump into the door, and we were aboard. Carey: The rest of us had to jump over. Boomer had to carry you, kicking and screaming. Bojay: That was then, this is now. I've gotten over my fear of open spaces, enclosed spaces, high spaces, and low spaces - not to mention my fear of large bodies of water, blue-colored paper, rodentia, ophidines, lepines, daggits, and bad comedy skits. Boomer: That's for sure. Apollo: Sounds like Deus ex machina Boomer: And that machina is a TARDIS. Apollo: What's a tardis, anyway? Boomer: No, a TARDIS. It's Time And... Oh, never mind, I can't explain it anyway. I hate temporal mechanics. Sheba: But what happened to your uniforms? I mean, these aren't standard Colonial uniforms... Boomer, Bojay, and the commandoes exchange glances. Boomer: Well, that's a long story. Remind us to tell you about it sometime when we've got time. But for now, what about the kids? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "Not unless that guy named Troy really was- Oof!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 188 Date: Thu, 30 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 188 Scene: Still in the woods, where Apollo and Boomer's teams have united, what's left of them, each having lost a team member. Apollo: You didn't have any luck finding the kids either, huh? Bojay: Well, not unless that guy named Troy really was- (Boomer elbows him.) Oof! Sheba: What'd you do that for? Boomer: Because he forgot the first rule of temporal mechanics. Don't mess with the time stream. Bojay: I wasn't! Boomer: No, you were just going to reveal an incident that may very well have happened in a future timeline from us, thereby risking the possibility that you might change the timeline, maybe resulting in it never coming to pass and catching us in an endless time loop! Bojay: Oh, that's right. Forget I said anything. Apollo: Okay... Whatever that was you were talking about... Anyway, I guess that means we're still looking. And we're looking for Jolly and Cassie, too. They haven't responded to any of our attempts to contact them. But at least now we've found you. Bojay: You found us? Hah! Apollo: What's that supposed to mean? Boomer: Uh, Apollo, it was actually us that found you. Kenny: After several mistakes in time and space, I might add. That doctor friend of yours really doesn't have a lot of control over that machine, does he, Boomer? Boomer: He got us here, didn't he? And I think I fixed that temporal materialization circuit for him. He should have better control now. Apollo: You fixed the what? Boomer: Uh, never mind, Apollo. Sheba: Well, we're going to have a long evening here. Boomer, why don't you tell us what's been going on with your team? Boomer: Uh... Apollo: We could give him an update on our situation- Sheba: (Sweetly.) Yes, we could tell him about the luau. Apollo: Boomer, give us an update on your mission status. Boomer: Hmm... Bojay: Huddle! Boomer, Bojay, Carey, and Kenny quickly gather in a huddle, while Apollo, Sheba, and Cutler stare at them in puzzlement. Bojay: Can we tell him about the Daleks? Boomer: No! Carey: But the fleet hasn't run into them and we have no history of them in the Colonies, they should be safe to mention! Boomer: But they showed up on Earth, several times. What if they showed up after we did ... uh, after we do - if there's word in the mission report about Daleks, that could bring pre-knowledge of the future to Earth, and change the time line, which could result in us not being able to meet them when we did ... uh, do, thereby changing the present, resulting in us not knowing about them, causing an irreversible quantum temporal loop that we could never escape! Bojay: How about the Cybermen? Can we tell the Captain about them? Boomer: No - same problem. Bojay: Well, dang, all those adventures and we can't even tell anybody about them? What good was it to have them? Kenny: Do we have any proof that we haven't already changed the time stream by anything we might have done while with the Doctor, or by something he may do or have done because he met us, and that we aren't caught ourselves in a time quantum temporal loop already? Boomer: Uh... Hmmm. (Turns to Apollo.) Say, Apollo, how are you and Cordelia doing? Apollo: (Grinning.) We're doing great. In fact, we're getting sealed as soon as we get back from this mission. Bojay: Well, that proves a lot of things haven't changed. Apollo: Oh, I hope you and Starbuck don't feel bad, Boomer, but I've decided that Zac's going to be my best man. Family comes first, and I gotta take care of my little brother, after all, right? Boomer: (Exchanging glanced with his team.) ...Zac? Apollo: Yes. Boomer, Bojay, Carey, and Kenny: Aaaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Boomer, you look like you've seen a ghost." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 189 Date: Fri, 31 Aug 2001 "This is Journalator Aphrodite, reporting the best in the social news. And we are happy to report that rumor has it that Commander Princess Gabrielle has finally said yes to her handsome beau, and sealing bells are set to ring in the very near future! Perhaps even a double ceremony with Captain Apollo and Siress Cordelia. But we're not going to let you know what's happening on the Galactica just yet! First it's time to celebrate the successful conclusion of a miraculous secton twenty-seven! Without further ado, here's... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 189 Scene: The echoes of Boomer, Bojay, Carey, and Kenny's screams still echo through the trees. Apollo: Guys, don't be so upset! You'll still be groomsmen! Well, Boomer and Bojay, anyway, since I'm having the entire squadron stand up with me. And you commandoes can come to the sealing. Boomer: Z-z-z-zac? Sheba: Is there a bee out there? Apollo: Boomer, you look like you've seen a ghost! Boomer: (Swallowing hard.) Uh ... no... Apollo: In that case, Boomer, why don't you tell us about that ... that whatever it is that brought you here from the tree in the middle of the grassland surrounded by saurians? Boomer: I can't really tell you about it, Captain... Apollo: Why not? Boomer: Uh... Because I don't know anything about it. Sheba: I thought you repaired some of its circuitry. Boomer: Uh... Maybe... I forget. Apollo: You forget? Boomer: Yep, I forget. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Sheba: Wow, it's just like when we were swept up by that Ship of Lights, Apollo, and came back with memories of those particular coordinates, but that's all! Apollo: Yeah, except for Starbuck insisting I was dead. Bojay: Wishful thinking? Apollo: You wish! Good night, Bojay. Bojay: Good night, Apollo. Good night, Sheba. Sheba: Good night, Bojay. Good night, Boomer. Boomer: Good night, Sheba. Good night, Apollo. Pssst, Bojay, Carey, Kenny, we have to talk about everyone else is asleep. Carey: Okay, Boomer. Good night, Apollo. Good night, Sheba. Good night, Cutler. Kenny: No good night for me? Carey: We'll be talking later. I'll say good night then. Kenny: Okay. Good night, Apollo. Good night, Sheba. Good night, Cutler. Cutler: Good night, Carey. Good night, Kenny. Good night, Apollo. Good night, Sheba. Good night, moon. Apollo: Good night, Cutler. Good night, Boomer. Moon? What moon? Boomer: Probably the one in the sky. Good night, Apollo. Apollo: You already told me good night. That's enough of this! Good night, everybody, and I don't want to hear any more sounds! Sheba: (Giggle.) Apollo: Cut that out! Bojay, if your sleeping bag is next to hers, I'm going to move you! Bojay: Hey! I'm over here, I'm not over there! Apollo: Good! Cutler: Shouldn't that be good night? Carey: Do you really think we'll ever get everybody else asleep? Boomer: Maybe, maybe not... Sheba: Good night, Apollo. Good night, John Boy. Pause. Apollo: Who's John Boy? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Kenny say, "He snores like a turbobuzzsaw on plant vapors." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 190 Date: Sat, 01 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 190 Scene: Boomer, Bojay, and Kenny (still wearing the ragged remains of the red shirt, as ordered) sneak away from camp, into the woods, to talk privately after everyone is asleep. Boomer: Where's Carey? Kenny: Last I heard, he was snoring. Bojay: I heard him snoring too. He snores like a battlestar traveling at factor four! Kenny: I didn't know battlestars snored. But he does snore like a turbobuzzsaw on plant vapors. Bojay: I didn't know turbobuzzsaws used plant vapors. Boomer: Enough! He snores loudly! Why didn't you nudge him awake? Kenny: I tried. Boomer: All right, never mind. I'll talk to him later if we have to. We should be able to figure this out by ourselves. You all heard that Zac is alive, right? Bojay: I think the fact that we all screamed in unison means we all heard it. Boomer: And we all remember that he hasn't been alive since Cimtar, right? Kenny: If you say so. Boomer: Are you questioning it? Kenny: Well, I never knew him, I just heard about him. I just sorta knew he was dead... Bojay: So why'd you scream with us? Kenny: If you were both going to scream, I figured it was all right for me to scream too. Boomer: Something happened while we were traveling with the Doctor that changed our history enough to have Zac be alive. We've gotta figure out what that was. And we've got to figure out what else might have changed! Bojay: Well, Apollo knew about Cordelia, and they're still engaged, so how much could have changed? Boomer: That's the question, now, isn't it? Kenny: I think it'll be the question later, too. I mean, we probably won't even think about the kind of changes that might happen until we get back on the Galactica and see them with our own eyes. Bojay: He's right, Boomer. Boomer: No, I'm afraid he's right, Bojay. We'll have to cautiously ask discreet questions when we can, over the rest of this mission, to see what else we can learn. And when we get back to the Galactica, we're all going to have a rabid interest in history, and start reading! Bojay: That's what I agreed! Kenny: History! Ick! I never did good in history. Bojay: Grammar either, huh? Kenny: (Dismally.) Nope. Boomer: Well, this'll be a good chance to catch up, then. Bojay: And what'll we do with then when we've caught it? Boomer: We'll have to figure out a way to go and set it right. Kenny: But the Doctor left, and you don't have your temporal communicator any more! How are we going to get whenever and wherever we need to go to set it right? Boomer: I used that thing enough, I should be able to build one for myself. Dr. Wilker will help me. We can always count on him. And if not him, he's got that assistant, Dr. Barbarella, I think she'll help, too. Kenny: If either of them still exists in this time stream. Bojay: What if the way things are now is better than the way things used to be now? Kenny: Yeah, what if that happens? Can we keep this now instead of our own now? Or do we still have to go back when and wherever to undo the now and try to set the now back to what it should be now? Boomer: (Sternly.) We go back. Remember, that was one of the things the Doctor told us. Never mess with the time stream, you never know what could happen. Bojay: I bet it was the Daleks. They'd love to screw up our history and play with our minds! It's just the kind of thing they would do! Boomer: (Sigh.) Well, there's nothing else we can do tonight. We might as well to get some sleep... The warriors and commando head back to camp. From the darkness behind a tree beside where they were standing, comes the sound of malevolent laughter. (The idiots didn't bother to check and make sure they were alone. Of course it's a standard plot device. Where would bad guys be without them?) Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 191 Date: Sun, 02 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 191 Scene: One of the dimly-lit secret passages in the castle, where Starbuck, Kyle, and Miri continue their attempt to escape from Lucifer and the Cylon centurions who have also made their way into the passages. Miri: It feels like we've been running for centars! Starbuck: It feels more like we've been running for a whole day! Kyle: You're both lousy timekeepers. We've been running for over a day. Starbuck: How can you tell? Kyle: By my wrist chron. Don't you have one? Starbuck: Oh, I forgot. Hmm, you're right. The little glow-in-the-dark numbers do say it's been over a day... Wait a centon! My wrist chron says it's the middle of the night! Doesn't that mean we've been running for two whole days? Kyle: No, it means you never reset it from fleet time for planetary time! Starbuck: Uh ... oh. Kyle: Trust me on the time thing, okay? Lucifer: (From somewhere behind them.) After them, Centurions! They went this way! Centurion #1: (From somewhere behind them.) Are you sure they did not go that way? Centurion #2: (From somewhere behind them.) I could have sworn I saw them go the other way. Lucifer: (Still behind them, but not as far.) They didn't go that way. They didn't go the other way. They went this way! Miri: (Whispering.) Quick, let's take this side passage! Miri and Kyle duck into the side passage. Starbuck continues on, still fiddling with his wrist chron. Starbuck: Ah-ha! I finally got it reset - and it wasn't easy, in this light! (Long pause.) Uh, Kyle? Miri? Where are you? Centurion #1: (From somewhere not too far behind him.) I hear footsteps in this direction. Centurion #2: (From somewhere not too far behind him.) You are mistaken. I hear footsteps ahead of us. Centurion #3: (From somewhere not too far behind him.) Perhaps they have split up to deceive us. Lucifer: (From somewhere not too far behind him.) You Centurions are so limited! Split up and follow them! Centurion #1: (Still behind him.) By your command. Centurion #2: (Still behind him.) If you insist. Centurion #3: (Getting farther away.) I will go that way. Lucifer: (Closing fast.) You're going back the way we came! That's the wrong way! Centurion #3: (Farther away.) But I know there are no human ghosts or Cylon mummies this way. Lucifer: (Still closing.) Coward! You two, follow me! We must be close to them! Starbuck: (Muttering.) Oh, no, what'll I do now? The Cylons are closing on me. I've lost Miri and Kyle, and I think I've lost myself, too! Lucifer: (Very close now.) I hear one of the humans! Prepare your weapons! Starbuck: I can't get any more lost than I already am! I think I've seen every tunnel in this place in the last day! I might as well keep running! Lucifer: (Right behind him.) It is Starbuck! Capture him, Centurions! Starbuck: I can see a light at the end of the tunnel! Feet, don't fail me now! The Cylons close fast. Yes, amazingly, this bunch can actually run. Their hands reach out for him, nearly snagging his jacket. Wait a centon, that's right, he's not wearing a jacket. He's not wearing a shirt at all... Okay, so they reach for his shoulder, getting closer, closer... He can feel their hot breath on his neck... No, that's right, they don't have breath... Okay, the hot, thick stench of their overworked lubrication oil sears his nostrils... Starbuck rushes out into the light and looks around wildly for cover, the Cylons at his heels. He quickly notes something is wrong. Glancing down, he discovers the secret passage ends two stories up - and down below, two stories below, is the moat. Behind him, the Cylons have just noticed the same thing. Starbuck, Centurions, and Lucifer: Aaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cassie say, "I never knew you were such a swinger." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 192 Date: Mon, 03 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 192 Scene: Somewhere in the woods. Jolly, Cassie, Cal, and Kimi have given up footslogging along the ground, and are now traveling through the treetops, using vines and branches to cover ground ... uh, air ... uh, space, more quickly. Cal and Kimi use their own vines, while Cassie clings to Jolly as they fly, in the most sweet, romantic, jungle movie hero and heroine swing-off-into-the-sunset style. Cassie: Wow, Jolly, I never knew you were such a swinger! Jolly: There's a lot you still don't know about me, Cassie. That's one of the joys of being married to each other. We get to spend the rest of our lives learning all these little things. Cassie: And I look forward to learning every one of them... Audience: Awh... Kimi: You too, Cal. You're a regular George of the Jungle! Cal: Don't you mean Tarzan? Kimi: No, I mean George. Look out for that- Cal hits the tree, but miraculously does not bash his brains out. Kimi: Tree. See what I mean? Cal: (Sorta cross-eyed.) Ooooohhhhh ... my head... Kimi pauses to help Cal back onto his vine. Meanwhile, Cassie and Jolly have reached the end of the trees. Jolly: Oops! That's the end of the swinging. There's no more vines. Cassie: What is there? Jolly: There's a beach with a lot of sand, and there's an ocean with a lot of water. Cassie: More water! What'll we do now? Kimi and Cal catch up. Cal: Oh, no, what happened to the vines? Kimi: There are no more vines, Cal. Cal: Where did they go? Did they run away from home like the kids did? Kimi: No, we reached the edge of the forest, and it gave way to beach and ocean, Cal. Cal: (Weaving a little.) Oooh, look at the pretty water! And there's so much of it! I wish it would stop moving... Kimi: It's just waves, Cal. Cal: Should I wave back? The foursome stand on the beach, staring out at the beautiful ocean. They don't notice they're being surrounded - well, surrounded on the beach and forest side, not the water side, that's only three sides, but since there's nowhere else for them to go, they're effectively surrounded. Damian: Ahem. The adults jump and look around, the commandoes automatically grabbing for weapons - which, since they lost them two days ago when they went over the falls, they don't have. Surrounding them on three sides are a collection of ... children. Half naked; painted in garish designs of red, blue, yellow, and green; carrying sharp pointed spears pointed menacingly at the warrior, the med tech, and the commandos; accompanied by two large, snarling, growling daggits. Kimi: Lords of Kobol, what in blazes are they? Cassie: (As if she's about to cry.) Oh, no, it looks more like our children have turned into the lords of the flies! Jolly: Could be worse. They could be turning into the lords of the rings! Cassie: That's true, that would be more dangerous. Kimi: I don't know. I like that book better... And it's got great heroes! They could be great heroes! Cal: Kimi, these are Jolly and Cassie's children. What do you think? Kimi: (Fatalistically.) They'd be orcs. We're in trouble... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a Cylon say, "Oil ... can..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 193 Date: Tue, 04 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 193 Scene: The moat, in front of the castle. Starbuck splashes helplessly in the water. On the bank, Miri and Kyle watch. Kyle: I guess he found his own way out after all. Starbuck: Help! Help! I'm drowning! I'm being sucked under! I'm being devoured alive by turbo-toothed piscines! Miri: Try standing up. Starbuck: How will that...? (He stands up; the water comes to his knees.) Oh. It's not very deep, is it? Kyle: No. It didn't have to be deep. And it was too much work to dig. Starbuck: Then why'd you bother? Kyle: It just had to look threatening. Starbuck: But what about the turbo-toothed piscines that infest its waters? Why aren't they eating me alive? Miri: Ariadne didn't release them yesterday morning. Starbuck: Why not? Miri: Well, in the middle of the Cylons attacking and me pretending to help them and having to escape through the secret passages and all, she forgot. Starbuck: (Wading to shore.) For once, I'm glad of a girl's forgetfulness... Well, more than once... Miri: Me, too. Kyle: What? How can be glad that Ariadne shirked her responsibility and neglected to contribute to the defense of our new castle home? Miri: Kyle, get over it. The piscines were a silly idea anyway. Kyle: Miri, how can you talk that way about our home? Our castle? Our stronghold and refuge against the cruel outside world? Miri: The moat only goes halfway around, the back side is completely open and unwalled, it's as cold and drafty as our last castle was, and it's more secret passages then actual living space. This place was never more than you and Father's idea of something out of a medieval Arthurian sword-and-sorcery epic anyway! The rest of us never liked it. Kyle: What's wrong with medieval Arthurian sword-and-sorcery epics? Miri: Nothing! Unless you have to live it! Oh, let's just go find the rest of the family... As Starbuck prepares to follow, he hears a sound. Centurion: Oil ... can... Glancing back at the water, Starbuck spots Lucifer in the moat, standing on top of one of his two centurions, both of which are stuck in the mud and the water. Lucifer glares at Starbuck. Lucifer: Well, don't just stand there, get me out of here! Starbuck: Get out yourself. I did. Lucifer: I can't. If I get wet, I'll short-circuit. Starbuck: Have one of your centurions carry you. Meanwhile, I'll be making tracks out of here! Lucifer: They can't! They're rusted solid! Starbuck: That quickly? (Relents.) Oh, all right. A Cylon once carried me through a swamp, I can carry you through the water. (Wades in.) Lucifer: Thank you, Starbuck. Of course, you realize I'll continue my efforts to capture you and destroy your fleet as soon as I'm out of here. Starbuck: I expected as much. That's why I'm doing ... this. He gives Lucifer a push. The IL-series Cylon falls backward off his Centurion perch with a shriek, hits the water with a splash, and as promised, short-circuits in an amazing techni-colored display of lightning and sparks - and a jolt of energy which courses through the moat, and which would have killed the turbo-toothed piscines if they'd been there. Starbuck: Yikes! (Jumps around as his boots smoke. Fortunately, he's got rough, tough Colonial warrior boots that can handle the energy discharge, and the water immediately puts the fires out.) That hurt! Centurion: Oil ... can... Starbuck: Forget it. Centurion: If you help me, I will become your loyal and devoted friend and companion. Starbuck: Oh, come on, what do you think this is, G80? Forget it! Starbuck turns away, wades out of the water, and follows the still arguing Miri and Kyle. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cassie demand, "What kind of babysitter are you?" Subject: Jollly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 194 Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 194 Scene: The children's beach, where the shuttle sits neatly to one side, and life goes on as comfortably as it can for a dozen children and one old man in a place as peaceful and close to paradise as we're ever going to get this side of life. Dennis: (Runs into camp.) Grampa Cham, Grampa Cham! Come see what we found! Chameleon comes out of the shuttle, and the other children come out of their treehouses and out of their personal, rocked-in swimming section of the beach, gathering around. The daggit droids bark in their irritating mechanical fashion, underfoot and in the midst of the children. Chameleon: Cassiopeia! Jolly! You're here! Children: Mama Cass! Papa Jo! You're here, you're here! Cassie: Oh, my babies! (Gathers the children and begins bestowing hugs and kisses on the foreheads and cheeks.) Jolly: Hi, Chameleon. Looks like you've managed to keep everybody alive and well here. Where'd you get the daggits? Chameleon: I'm not sure. They just appeared. They might have been on the shuttle, or they might have come from here, but they haven't left, and the children love them. Cassie: (Reproachfully.) Our children are half-naked, painted, allowed to run with sharp pointy things, following people in the forest alone, picking up stray daggits, and accosting strangers. Chameleon, what kind of babysitter are you? Chameleon: Well, I think I'm at least as good a babysitter as I am a father... Cassie: (Shuddering.) Considering Starbuck, I may never let you babysit our angels again! Jolly: Don't say that too quickly, honey. There aren't a lot of people willing to take on the job any more! Chameleon: I told them to keep their clothes on, but they want to be like the grown-ups. They do idolize Starbuck, you know. Kimi: What was that about Starbuck? Chameleon: They idolize him? Kimi: No, before that, what she said. Cassie: Uh, nothing. Just a little slip of the tongue. Kimi: Hmmm... Children: We love our Grampa Cham! Jolly: And the children do love their Grampa Cham. Cassie: Oh, all right. I forgive you Chameleon, you old rascal you. Damian: Come on, Mama Cass, I wanna show you our swimming beach! Spif: Papa Jo, I wanna show you our treehouses! Luna: I wanna show you our swinging vines! Dennis: I wanna show you the rock collection we started! Renfield: And our bug collection too! Cassie: Now, now, children, we don't have time to look at everything. Let's get that shuttle loaded back up and get back to the fleet! I hate to think how many naps and snacks you've all missed! Let's get all that old paint washed off, then you can gather any souvenirs you want to bring with you. I know children can't travel without collecting all kinds of useless stuff that'll sit in drawers and boxes and shelves collecting dust for the next twenty yahrens but will be too vitally precious to throw away if I even mention getting rid of it. But the bug collection stays here, no ifs, ands, or buts. Come on, now... (Herds them all into the shuttle, the children chattering away at Cassie and she apparently hearing and understanding every single one of them.) Jolly: (Fondly.) She's got such a way with children... Kimi: (Shuddering.) It's not human, the way they obey her... Cal: (Nudging her.) Don't say that too loud. You don't know what could happen. Kimi: Like what? Cal: I don't want to find out... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Kimi ask, "What happened to Kevin?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 195 Date: Thu, 06 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 195 Scene: Apollo and Boomer's combined team trudges across a clearing. A strange sound, neither bird call nor rustle of windblown branches, fills the air, and they all start looking around, weapons at the ready. Carey: Look! In the sky! What's that? Sheba: Is it a bird? Cutler: Is it a plane? Bojay: Is it a man impossibly flying on his own, wearing ridiculous red and blue spandex? Apollo: No, it looks like a shuttle! Sheba: It's coming our way! Bojay: What is that beeping noise? Cutler: It's our communicatron. Why don't you answer it? Bojay: Oh! That's right! I'd forgotten what one sounds like... Sheba: Bojay, you sound like you'd been gone for sectars instead of just two days! Bojay: Well... Apollo: Give me that. (Grabs the communicatron.) This is Captain Apollo. Who's there? Kenny: No, he's not. Boomer: Shhh! Jolly: (Over speaker.) Hey, Skipper! I thought we'd homed in on you. We found Chameleon and the kids. Apollo: Jolly! It's good to hear your voice. We were worrying that something might have happened to you. Now explain why in Hades you haven't bothered to check in over the last two days? Jolly: We lost our communicatrons in the waterfall. Along with our weapons and our other supplies. We'll explain it all when we set down... Apollo: Oh. I guess in that case I won't put you on report for insubordination and failure to keep your mission superior informed of your progress on a mission. The team waits while the shuttle lands near them; the hatch opens, and Jolly, Cassie, Chameleon, and the others all come rushing out for heartfelt greetings, etc. The daggits come out too, yipping away. Apollo: (Horrified.) Daggits! What are you doing with daggits? Don't you remember Commander Adama explaining why we don't have daggits, we don't want daggits, and we have extreme penalties for creating them or bringing them aboard? Jolly: (Shrugging.) They were with the kids when we found 'em, Skipper. I don't know where they came from. Apollo: Chameleon! I should have known somebody like you would have daggits against orders- Chameleon: I have no idea where they came. They certainly aren't mine. The children just announced that they'd found them, and they've been hanging around ever since. Sheba: Oh, no, what are we going to do about the daggits? Apollo: We'll leave them to the Commander to decide. Cassie: You can't leave them! What'll they do without children to care for and play with and sleep beside and guard in the dead of night? And my children will be devastated without them! Apollo: No, we'll take them back to the fleet with us. We have no choice about that. I mean, we'll let the Commander decide what's to be done with them. Kimi: (Looking around.) Hey, what happened to Kiwi? Sheba: She stayed with Dr. Ravashol. I think she's in love. Kimi: She falls in love on a daily basis. But at least I won't have her following me around any more, wanting to be just like me and do just what I do. She was a good sister but a lousy commando. Cutler: Tell me about it. Kimi: And what about Kevin? Kenny: Oh, he got killed and eaten by saurians in the grasslands. Kimi: Oh, no! Cal: (Giving Kimi a significant look and a nudge.) See what happened to Kevin? I told you not to say anything about Cassie having inhuman abilities, like controlling children. Kimi: (Turning pale.) But why? What did Kevin do? Cal: He made a pass at Cassie at the beginning of the mission. And you'll notice he's the one who got eaten by fierce native creatures with big teeth and bigger appetites... Chameleon: Say, where's my s... Where's my friend Starbuck? You didn't come here to rescue these children and lose my ch... And lose Starbuck, did you? Apollo: (Trying hard to get away from the collection of children and yipping daggits around him.) Well, we aren't sure where he is at the moment... But we'll find him too. After all, we found the children, didn't we? Cal: Is this a good time to mention that they found us? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I've missed you." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 196 Date: Fri, 07 Sep 2001 "This is Journalator Koppel, with breaking news from the rescue mission. The children have been found. Repeat, the children have been found. Now, while normally this would be grounds for a fleet-wide alert, please be assured they are not yet returning, as the mission must now adjust its focus to finding Starbuck, the lost warrior. While we wait for news on this heart-stopping turn of events- Six Viper techs rush onto the set, sobbing wildly and wailing in despair. Maggie: Is it true? Is he lost? Our universe is shattered! Vaughn: They've got to find him, they've got to! Patti: We don't know what we'll do if they don't find him! Cathi: They must use every resource to bring him back safe! Betty: Life won't be worth living without him! Laura: Please, please, promise you won't let them come back without him! Koppel: (Trying to disengage from the clinging, pleading techs.) Techs, please-! Security, get in here! Videolater, quick! Show the twenty-eighth secton episode of- "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 196 Scene: The woods, where Starbuck, Miri, and Kyle have been united with Megan, Nilz, Ariadne, and Robus. Starbuck: Are you sure you don't want to come with me back to the fleet? Megan: Thank you for your offer, Starbuck, and for helping my children escape the Cylons. Kyle: Wait a centon, he didn't help us! Miri: If we hadn't been there, he'd still be stuck in that cell or wandering lost through our secret passages! Megan: (Shaking his head and smiling.) Children. Anyway, we really appreciate your help, but this is our home now, and we're going to stay here and drive out the Cylons again. Miri: Speak for yourself. I'm joining that new village of Dr. Ravashol and his clones. At least they're not relatives! Kyle: And the female clones are cute. I'm joining them too! And being blue-eyed blondes ourselves, we'll fit right in. But I'll help get rid of the Cylons first. Starbuck: Wait a centon, Dr. Ravashol and his clones are here? Megan: Yep - they live thataway from here. Miri: Actually, Father, it's this way from here. Starbuck: Why didn't either of you tell me that there were other humans here? Kyle: You didn't ask. Starbuck: Well, what are you going to do about the Cylons? Megan: From what Kyle and Miri say, you've already shown us the way. We're going to throw them in the moat. And now, let's go, children. Kyle: Father, the castle is that way. Megan: Oh. Okay, let's go that way. Kyle: (Delaying a few microns.) Psst, Starbuck, next time you come back, could you bring a young female warrior with you? Starbuck: Oh, uh, yeah, I'll try to remember that... Starbuck is left alone, watching them disappear down a forest trail. Shaking his head, he turns and follows his own path, until he reaches the very, very small clearing where he left his Viper. Starbuck: (Affectionately patting the side of the ship.) VALIE, girl, I've missed you. VALIE: Oooh, Starbuck, I've missed you, too. Hey, don't smudge my wax job! Where have you been? How could you leave me alone like this for so long? I've been, like, totally alone here in the woods for days and days, and it gets so totally dark at night, and I can't even see myself shine! And there are freaky noises out there, way weird, and something crawled over my canopy and totally creeped me out! I could barely concentrate on running internal diagnostics to be sure I was still running at, you know, my usual fab peak performance! Starbuck: Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten that about you... You know, I guess I don't miss you as much as I thought I did... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "Where do we begin to look for Starbuck?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 197 Date: Sat, 08 Sep 2001 Friday night -- no wait, it's Saturday morning! Barely, but it is... So here it is! (I'm buzzed -- opening night for the play, and it feels like I've been sewing madly all week. I'll have a life again!) -- Sharon ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 197 Scene: The clearing in the woods where Apollo's team, Boomer's team, Jolly's team, and Chameleon and the kids are gathered, along with the shuttle. Apollo: Here we are, all together again. Cutler: Except for Kevin, who's gone, and Kiwi, who's staying. Boomer: And Starbuck, who's missing. Apollo: Well, yes, except for them. Of course, we can't do much about Kevin. And it sounds like it's for the best about Kiwi. But I suppose we'll have to start looking for Starbuck now. (Sighs.) Sometimes it seems like I spend half my life looking for him. Boomer: You do. And he spends half of his life looking for you. And I seem to wind up spending most of my life looking for one or the other of you. Bojay: That's what happens when you're number three on the list, Boomer. Of course, it could be worse. The rest of us have to spend our entire lives covering for you all, in the background, when you and Apollo are looking for Starbuck, or you and Starbuck are looking for Apollo. At least you're getting screen time! Boomer: There is that... Sheba: If you're done complaining about who spends how much time looking for whom and who's covering in the meantime, where do we begin to look for Starbuck? Bojay: Why do people keep talking about the Doctor? Boomer: Shhh! They're not! Remember, not all references to who are to him! Bojay: Oh, that's right... I'm still not used to being without him. Cutler: (Puzzled.) Without who? Bojay: Right. Apollo: (Looking around.) Hmmm, it's a big planet. This'll take a plan... We may have to separate into teams for our search. Cutler: Oh-oh, not that again... Apollo: Then we can mark off the planet in grids, do fly-bys with our Vipers, and send the commandoes out for manned expeditions- Kimi: Ah-hem! Apollo: Uh, ground-based expeditions for more thorough investigation of likely areas. Kimi: That's better. Boomer: I've got a better idea where to look. Apollo: Better than mine? Impossible, I'm the captain. Sheba: Where did you have in mind, Boomer? Boomer: (Points.) Up there. Everyone looks up to see Starbuck's Viper coming in for a landing in the clearing. He pops the canopy and hops out. Starbuck: Hi, everybody! Is this party for me? Bojay: Show-off. Apollo: Starbuck, old buddy! Starbuck: Who you calling old, Captain? Apollo: Figure of speech. Come on down and start the obligatory hugs! Sheba: And I can give you my expected tearful greeting! Boomer: And I can make the usual deprecatory wisecracks that we all know just conceal how much I really care. Cassie: And I can give you that gentle smile that tells everyone that, even though we're not together anymore, I still love you as a friend and deeply appreciate what you've done for me and my family. Cutler: And even we commandoes can get in on the action with some handshakes and grins and pats on the back to show that we've learned to respect and like you by having had to work together on this mission and that we'll be buddies in the future, even though we'll probably never be seen again. Starbuck: Gee, I didn't know you all cared about me that much! Apollo: We don't. But we've gotta get it out of the way before we can head back to the Galactica and call this mission done. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Athena say, "Welcome back, darling." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 198 Date: Sun, 09 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 198 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where two shuttles and a variety of Vipers come in for a landing. (Yes, that's what you call a multitude of them. You have a flock of avians, a herd of bovines, a school of piscines, and a variety of Vipers.) The warriors, commandos, and children disembark. Waiting for them are Commander Adama, a handful of warriors, and Athena, in tan pilot's uniform. Boomer: (Murmuring.) Hey, Athena's back in uniform! Bojay: Whatever you told her before we left must have made an impression. Boomer: Athena! You're back! Athena: Welcome back, darling! (She hurries past Boomer and throws herself into Bojay's arms.) I've missed you so much! Boomer: Athena? Bojay: Athena! Sheba: (Trying to squeeze between Athena and Bojay.) He hasn't missed you! Athena: (Shoving.) Back off, bimbo. Sheba: (Shoving back.) Hmph! He's mine and he always will be! Athena: He was yours on the Pegasus when he didn't have any choice. But now he's on the Galactica, where he has the best choice! Sheba: Where he has to date the commander's daughter or else? Hah! Athena: That's the only reason he dated you on the Pegasus, but he dated me first before he ever even knew you existed! Sheba: Which is how he knew he was getting a better deal with me! Athena: Bojay, tell her where to go! Sheba: Bojay, tell her what to do when she gets there! The two women throw themselves at each other in a genuine feline fight. Adama: Not again... Reese! Reese and half a dozen security officers clad in full body armor rush forward to pull the two warrior fems apart and drag them off to different corners of the landing bay, still screaming at each other. Reese: (Panting.) Hazard pay, right, sir? Adama: (Sighing.) As always. Bojay: (Panicking.) I ... I ... I had nothing to do with that, sir! Adama: I know, Bojay. You're in a difficult situation, especially now that Cain is back in the fleet. Entire team: Cain's back? Adama: Yes. But I assure you, Bojay, I will never force you to choose between my daughter and Cain's daughter, and I will respect whatever decision you make. And so will the rest of the family, correct, Apollo? Apollo: Absolutely, Father. Whatever decision he makes. When did Cain come back? Adama: While you were gone. Didn't you see his battlestar parked alongside ours? Apollo: I thought it was a sensor echo... Bojay: I ... I think I need to lie down ... I feel woozy. Uh ... that tree, yeah, that tree I walked into... Boomer: That was sectons ago. Bojay: So? Boomer, we gotta talk ... after I see a med tech... Boomer: Right, buddy, talk to you later... Apollo: (Aside to Boomer.) Personally, I'm betting on Cain's daughter winning, and am doing everything I can to encourage it. Should be easy, now that her father's back. Boomer: Thanks, Apollo! You're a true friend, if maybe not the best brother... Apollo: Friend, hades! I don't want Bojay for a brother-in-law! Starbuck: I wonder, do you think Bojay really will decide to invoke that ancient Libran tribal custom, and marry both of them? Apollo: Only if he wants to be twice widowed within the secton. They'll kill each other. Starbuck: That would be an out... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "Some things haven't changed." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 199 Date: Mon, 10 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 199 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica. Cordelia rushes into the bay, clad in a gown of diaphanous pink silky stuff. Cordelia: Apollo! (Runs toward him.) Oh my dear, sweet, beloved Apollo, are you back? Apollo: Cordelia! (Rushes to her.) Oh my darling, I'm back. Cordelia: Are you safe? Apollo: I'm safe- (Trips over a seam in the deck.) Oops! Jolly: As safe as he can be, dating her. Boomer: At least some things haven't changed... Starbuck: He was safer back on the planet - children, saurians, things with teeth and tusks, raging rivers, Cylons, luaus, and all. Whoah, look at that! Falling, Apollo catches a handful of diaphanous pink silky stuff as he goes down, and suddenly Cordelia is dressed in a hot pink extremely skimpy teddy and spiked heels. Cordelia: (Giggling, but showing no signs of abandoning bay.) Apollo, you know you aren't allowed to see my underthings until we're properly sealed! Apollo: (Gazing raptly up at her face.) And you know I'd never do anything unallowed, where you're concerned. So I'll only allow myself to gaze at your beautiful, loving face, and never even look below your neck for now. Can I walk you back to your quarters so you can get more appropriately attired? Cordelia: Oh, darling... He gets back to his feet, and hands her the armful of fluffy pink stuff, which she sorta drapes over her shoulder enough to be semi-decent. Then they stroll out of the bay, hand in hand. Boomer: (Whistling.) Considering her modesty and shy sweetness, how come the man she marries is gonna be the only man who hasn't seen her underthings by their wedding day? Jolly: Awh, it's only the second gown he's ripped off her. She can't help it if they become klutzes when they're together. Starbuck: Commander, have you changed your mind about them marrying yet? Adama: Never! I'll never give my consent to see my son, a scion of the house of Greene, married to a woman of the house of Somers! Jolly: Do you really have a choice? (Smiles fondly at Cassie, who smiles back.) Some things just shouldn't be denied. Starbuck: You know, sir, one of these days he's gonna rip one of her gowns when they're in private, and then Siress Belloby will pretend she doesn't believe it's an accident, and insist they have to get married immediately. Adama: Go file your report, Starbuck. Jolly, you too. Cutler, I notice you're a few commandoes short of a squad. Cutler: I can give you a complete report if you like, sir. Adama: I expect it. Cutler: Lieutenant Kevin appears to have been devoured by oversized saurians, although no one actually saw it. Just as well, I'd say. And Sergeant Kiwi- Adama: In writing, Cutler. Save the details for your written report. Cutler: But you said- Adama: Sorry, only the stars get to give oral reports onscreen. Cutler: But you get more points for oral reports. Adama: Dismissed, Cutler. Cutler: Yes, sir... (Grumbling, Cutler gestures to his commandoes, and they file out of the bay, carrying their equipment.) Jolly: Cassie and I should get our children to Life Center for complete check-ups. Adama: Somebody better warn Salik they're coming. Starbuck: I'll take care of that. There's a cute new doctor I've been meaning to meet... Jolly, Cassie, and Starbuck troop off to life center. Shortly, only Adama and Boomer are left. Boomer: By the way, uh, sir, where's Zac? Adama: Where do you expect? Where he always is... (Shaking his head, the commander leaves the bay.) Boom: (Muttering to himself.) But where's that? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "I can't cook, I'm naked." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 200 Date: Tue, 11 Sep 2001 A moment of silence, please, for the 200th episode... That's enough of that, you may now resume reading. ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 200 Scene: Somebody's quarters on the Galactica. Zac enters. Zac: I'm here! Time for evening meal. Need any help in the galley, Gabrielle? I really appreciate you coming over for supper tonight, it's been a long shift for me... Gabrielle: (From other chamber.) I can't cook, Zac, I'm naked. Zac: Oh... Well, we could go out instead if you'd prefer... Gabrielle: (Slightly irritated.) We can't go out, I'm naked. Zac: How 'bout if I order in pizza? Gabrielle: (Exasperated.) I'm still naked. Zac: We still have to eat... Gabrielle: (Downright dangerous.) How many times must I tell you I'm naked? Zac: Oh! You're naked! Now I get it! Gabrielle: No, you're not. I'm not naked anymore. Zac: Dang. Gabrielle: (Entering from the bedroom, fully clad in leather and feathers - well, as fully clad as the Miri Feather warriors ever are.) You know, for a brilliant, Colonies-famous doctor, you're slow on the uptake sometimes, you know that? Zac: (Dropping into a chair with a sigh. Him, that is, not the chair. Chairs don't sigh. As a general rule, anyway.) Like I said, it was a long shift. Gabrielle: Sometimes I think you're as bad as your big brother! Zac: Just because Apollo is hooked on the old ethics and standards and traditions... Gabrielle: (Taking a seat on his lap.) But you're not, are you? Zac: If I were as tradition bound as he is, I'd be a warrior, just like him. And just like Athena. And just like our father. And both of our grandfathers. And all four great-grandfathers and three great-grandmothers. And- Gabrielle: Zac, shut up. I don't need a genealogy lesson. I know you come from the longest known family lines of warriors in the history of the Colonies, on all sides. Zac: Father never lets me forget it, either. But people need doctors, too. Just like they need ... other designations. Gabrielle: Any improvement in Colonel Tigh? Zac: Actually, yes! I made a breakthrough. He's completely recovered! Gabrielle: Just like that? Wow. You really are one of the Colonies' greatest doctors! Zac: Yeah, but I'm a lousy cook. What do we want to do about supper? Gabrielle: Well, since I'm just as lousy a cook as you are, I suspect the mess hall is the best choice. Unless you want to join me on the FeatherStar. Zac: I wish I could, but I'm on call tonight. The children are back, and Salik told me if I tried to leave the battlestar before the physicals were done, even after today's shift, he'd have my hide nailed to the wall of his quarters like I was a trophy dire daggit. (A beeper goes off.) Gabrielle: Oh-oh. Zac: (Pulling beeper from pocket of medical uniform.) This is Dr. Zac. Harried Voice from Beeper: Doctor, we have an emergency in life center! Zac: (Sighing.) Jolly and Cassie's children? Harried Voice: No - Captain Apollo and Siress Cordelia fell down a turbolift shaft on top of Lt. Athena and three security officers. We've got sprained ankles, several broken wrists, two cracked ribs, a skull fracture, various abrasions and contusions, and a bunch of broken nails. And some of them got hurt when Apollo and Cordelia fell on them, too. Zac: On my way! (Kisses Gabrielle.) Good bye, my love. Harried Voice: (Less harried, downright simpering.) Why, doctor, I didn't know you cared... Zac: I don't. And I said, I'm on my way. Harried Voice: (Harried again.) No, you don't understand. Dr. Salik believes it's the Somers effect, and he's ordering you to stay away from life center tonight at all costs. Zac: Thanks for the warning. (Puts away beeper, grinning at Gabrielle.) Looks like I'm free tonight after all... Gabrielle: (Jumps out of his lap.) Great! Let's go eat! Zac: Dang. Just when I'm not hungry any more... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Omega say, "Psst, Colonel!"