Title: Free*
Author: Athena13 (Athena13@ixpres.com)
Rating: PG-13
March 24, 1999

Summary: Post-Hand of God. Things come full circle for Starbuck and
Apollo and they're finally set free.

Disclaimer: This is a fiction story based on the series Battlestar
Galactica and its characters created and owned by Glen A. Larson.  This
story is not being sold for profit and no infringement of any copyright
rights are intended.  All unrecognized characters and plot lines are
mine and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely
coincidental.

*Inspired and named after "Free" by Rick "Zac" Springfield off his 1999
Karma CD. I urge all of you to get it! The lyrics are interspersed in
the story and in full at the end.

<><><><><><><><><>
So this is the cage that I built
why I built it I don't know
its bars made of anger and guilt
no lock but somehow it just wouldn't let me go
<><><><><><><><><>
Starbuck's Journal
     When Zac died I felt it. A part of me broke free and fell away. In
that empty place came something I had struggled so hard to dispel from
my psyche. Guilt and unworthiness.
     You see, for most of my life I've felt that I didn't deserve the
good things that happened to me. And that I deserved all the bad. After
all, every bit of love I could remember having had to be earned and
couldn't be counted on to last. Being responsible for Zac's death, how
could I believe I deserved the love his family offered me? Especially,
not the kind of love Athena, his sister, offered me.
     As an adult, I grew to see those feelings were based on a child's
need to explain the life I lived. But that didn't make it any easier to
dispel.
     My family and most of my neighbors died, yet I lived. Why? That
was my first question and my first brush with guilt. I may have only
been about three yahrens old, but I can still remember asking the
warrior that found me why everyone else was gone and I lived. After
that, I lived without a family and without viable prospects for the
future in a home for orphans. In quite a few such homes actually.
Staying just long enough to find my place before I was moved again.
     I am not saying it was inhumane like in some tragic play. The
people that ran the home did their best, but it's hard to make up to a
child for not having a family. Downright impossible actually. Nothing
can make up to a child for not having people that just love you
unconditionally. So I learned early that affection was something that
had to be earned. And when you're one of a few dozen kids you have to
make yourself stand out to even get a shot at that attention. 
     And once you gained that attention, of course that person would
leave or you would be sent somewhere else. 
     So the early lesson was to make yourself stand out and impress and
then maybe you'll get love. But of course, it would never be
unconditional and it could never be trusted to last.
     And that's something I never unlearned. Until the Academy and my
friendship with Apollo and Boomer. But they were special cases in the
grand scheme of things. Women, well, they never seemed to make it to
that special category. Well, not for long. Athena, and perhaps it was
because she is Apollo's sister that she was given the chance, almost
made it to that place. And then Zac was killed.
     After Zac's death, it only took one conversation for me to feel
comfortable again with Apollo and to see that his own guilt
overshadowed my own. But as for the rest of his family and friends? No,
the old patterns had reemerged. So, until I unlearned what I had
learned, I knew I would never be free.

<><><><><><><><>

     "Starbuck!" Cassi threw herself into the returning hero's arms as
soon as he exited the Cylon Raider in the Galactica landing bay. His
arms automatically surrounded her lithe form, even as his eyes scanned
the waiting crowds looking to see who was there and who was missing. It
was the part of battle he hated most. Discovering which comrades didn't
return. 
     Cassi was oblivious to his concerns as she murmured words of love
and relief in his ear. But even if he had been listening he wouldn't
have been able to hear her words. His ears were still buzzing from the
explosions on the baseship. He stroked her hair absently as he
concluded that no one from Blue Squadron appeared to be missing, he
would have to wait for the formal reports later on the other teams.
     Cassi pulled out of his arms and he smiled broadly at her and
stuck a fumarello into his mouth. As he looked into her joyous eyes,
her words came back to him. He hadn't had much time to think about her
words and actions since their parting in the launch bay, but something
told him he'd better start soon. 
     Cassi stayed by his side as he reached Boomer and the two men
embraced. "Told you we'd be fine," he told his friend.
     Boomer looked at him knowingly but refrained from saying what was
on his mind in front of everyone else. Starbuck winked at his friend,
he knew Apollo and himself would get an earful about leaving him behind
and almost getting their astrums shot down later. 
     "Apollo lost it, not me," he held up his hands in innocence.
     Boomer sighed and moved out of the way as Colonel Tigh moved
forward to greet the other warrior.
     "Welcome back," Tigh shook Starbuck's hand. "Good job."
     "Thank you, Sir." Starbuck appeared momentarily flustered at all
the official attention. In short order, however, he regained his cocky
grin.
     "You too, Apollo," Tigh clasped the other hero of the day's hand.
     "Thank you, Sir," Apollo nodded.
     "Your family is waiting in Adama's quarters," Tigh said in an
undertone. "Both of you are expected to join us for dinner," he looked
pointedly at Starbuck.
     "Is Sheba going to be there?" Apollo asked.
     Tigh and Starbuck glanced at Apollo in surprise. Sheba was always
included in family events and it seemed odd that Apollo was asking now.
Of course, it was odd she wasn't there to greet them in the first
place.
     "I believe she is," Tigh said slowly, apparently curious himself.
     Apollo flushed and looked away from the scrutiny. Clearing his
throat he looked around for something to distract the three men
studying him. Seizing the opportunity he walked quickly away and went
to greet some of his other squadron members. 
     "They must have had an interesting goodbye," Tigh said, not
bothering to disguise his salacious curiosity.
     "Colonel," Cassi berated him as she grabbed Starbuck's arm. "Why
don't you get showered and changed and meet me at Adama's," she
whispered in his ear. "Then there's a celebration in the O' Club and
then we can have our own celebration later."
     Starbuck felt a growing tension in his stomach, one that he didn't
think he could fairly attribute to the mission he was just on. Rather,
it seemed to be directly related to the mission he was apparently being
assigned right now. "Sure, um, see you soon," he mumbled and hurried
over to grab Apollo. 
     "Let's get cleaned up," he whispered urgently in his friend's ear.

     "What's the rush Starbuck?" Apollo asked in confusion as he felt
himself guided towards the warrior locker area. 
     "Apparently, I have a schedule to keep," Starbuck grumbled.
     Apollo looked at his friend's glowering mien and bit back a smile.
Starbuck had never taken to anyone running his life, not even his
military superiors. It was clear that Cassiopeia's seemingly endless
patience with Starbuck's need to live an unstructured personal life was
ending. While he might tend to be myopic about his own personal life,
he had been right to predict that the changes Cassi had brought to her
own professional life would spill over to her personal life in short
order. The only question was whether Starbuck could live with that or
was even willing to.

<><><><><><><><><>
All hail the messenger of love
I got your message loud and clear
Now I'm hungry to be healed
and you can't keep me away
<><><><><><><><><>
Apollo's Journal
     I have to admit that I've spent most of my life acting
circumspectly. 
     "Everything in its place and a place for everything." 
     There have been only three times in my life where even my
impulsive actions haven't been planned. I know, what does it say about
me that I count them.
     The first time was during the Academy when I indulged in an affair
with one of my instructors. Teleria. She was a beautiful, amazing woman
and my law instructor. People always wondered, and still wonder why I
became so interested with the law when I was studying to be a warrior.
She is the real reason. Not because I wanted to impress my father and
not because of some latent academic interest. Ironically, those studies
served me well a few sectars ago when Starbuck was accused of murder.
     The other was when I fell in love with Serina and married her in
the space of a few sectons. Very out of character, I assure you.
     I regret neither of those relationships yet I still hesitate
before doing things. I think and rethink my actions. I plan and I
ponder every possible permutation. Every move I make, even in battle,
is well thought out. The planning might only be a split-micron, but
it's there.
     So I bet you're wonder what the third time is? That was when I put
my body between Count Iblis' "shot" and Sheba. 
     Yeah, another impulsive action over a woman. The funny thing is
that I am now just realizing that everything I have ever done with and
for Sheba has been impulsive. I thought I was careful, but really I was
just blind. It wasn't until her words in that raider that I realized it
was all too late and I'd already fallen in love with her. 
     I had been so caught up in trying to remain true to Serina's
memory that I refused to admit that my need to fight with Sheba, to
challenge her and compete with her were not due to warrior pride - but
just pride. Male pride. Because I wanted to impress her and make her
notice me and only me.
     Dropping that signal on the baseship made me realize, once again,
that our time in this life is short. I know in my heart that Serina
would want me to be happy. And being with Sheba makes me happy, or
could. 
     Suddenly, I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my heart. Not
one that has suddenly occurred, but one that has been in the making for
longer than I had realized. So maybe this isn't as impulsive as I fear?
I don't know for sure, but for once maybe I can go with the not knowing
and let myself just be free?

<><><><><><><><>

     "Wipe the smirk off your face," Starbuck told his friend as he
began to strip off his clothes in the locker room. "You might as well
tell me now what's up with Sheba," he said with a smirk of his own.
     Apollo's smile faded. "Nothing," he shrugged. 
     "Give me a break, obviously you're nervous about seeing her."
Starbuck grabbed a towel and paused by Apollo's side before heading for
the turboshower.
     Apollo tossed the last of his clothes away and picked up his own
towel. An embarrassed flush was spreading over his cheeks. "She kissed
me," he mumbled.
     Starbuck let out a laugh. "About time," he clapped his friend on
the back. "And did you like it?"
     Apollo looked up suddenly and glared at his friend.
     "Oh ho, not willing to admit that you did," Starbuck nodded.
"We've all seen it coming since the micron she almost shot you down.
Lords of Kobol Apollo, you almost panted when her _father_ showed us
her image. Don't think I noticed that," Starbuck chuckled as they
walked to the showers. "Most men don't toss themselves in front of
demons for just any girl."
     "Didn't think you noticed considering how caught up you were in
Cassi's image," Apollo shot back defensively. "Speaking of which..."
Apollo trailed off meaningfully.
     "Don't try and avoid answering the question. So did you enjoy the
kiss and what are you going to do about it?" Starbuck turned the spray
on and let it shoot against the sore muscles of his body.
     "I don't know," Apollo admitted as he turned on his own spray and
let the water glide over his body.
     "I think you do know and I think that you should go for it,"
Starbuck pumped some soap into his hands. "She'd want you to be happy,"
he said seriously, referring to Apollo's slain wife.
     Apollo remained silent as the brought the soap in his hands to a
lather. The mention of his wife was the heart of the matter, after all.
He had spent sectars feeling disloyal for having feelings for Sheba and
he couldn't help but be afraid that he would lose her too. It was even
more likely since she was a warrior. But Starbuck was right. Serina
would want him to be happy. And her son as well, Boxey adored Sheba and
wasn't subtle in his comments to his father. Still, he wasn't sure he
was ready to fall headfirst into a relationship with Sheba. Perhaps a
slow exploration of their feelings was advisable?
     "I'll think about it," he nodded at his friend as he began to
spread the soap over his body. "So what's up with Cassi?"
     Starbuck snorted and began to rinse the lather from his form. "As
if you don't know."
     "She professed feelings and worry for you. She wasn't pleased that
you were going on this mission with ol' 'Suicidal Apollo'," Apollo
elucidated. "And that bugs you."
     "Well, she didn't call you that..." Starbuck trailed off. "I was
wondering when someone was going to say that to you," Starbuck said
seriously. "Sheba?"
     "Yeah," Apollo sighed and turned off his spray. "So when did you
get wind of that theory?"
     "Athena mentioned it to me after the fiasco with Iblis," Starbuck
admitted. "While I think you've been reeling since Serina's death, I
don't think you've taken on more than you would have otherwise, so I
didn't bother mentioning it to you. Your sister had just been asked
things and wanted my opinion. She was just worried," Starbuck defended
before grabbing his towel and headed back to the locker area to put on
a fresh uniform.
     Apollo stayed behind and rubbed his chest absently with a towel,
trying to absorb what his friend was had just told him. And what he had
seemed to decide for himself.

<><><><><><><><>
(I'm free) When we are one I am complete
(I'm free) And I'm undone and I will be healed in your eyes
<><><><><><><><>

     "Buck up old buddy," Starbuck clapped a hand on Apollo's back as
they stood in front of Adama's quarters.
     "Same to you," Apollo cast a sideways glance at his friend.
     "Hey, I still know the old steps," Starbuck quipped with a shrug
of his shoulders.
     "Planning on dancing away from this relationship?" Apollo asked
sarcastically.
     "Don't burst my bubble just yet. I don't know what I'm going to
do," Starbuck nudged his friend with his elbow, trying to lighten the
mood.
     "Since when don't you know exactly what you're doing,?" Athena
slipped in between the friends. "My," she tilted her head back and
contemplated the door in front of them. "This _is_ a pretty door. I
never considered looking at it. So gray and smooth."
     "You're such a funny Brat." Apollo put his arm around his sister's
shoulder and yanked on her hair. 
     "The funniest," she put her arm around her brother's waist.
"Welcome back heroes," she slipped her other arm around Starbuck's
waist. "Good job out there and nice waggling," she winked at Starbuck.
     "That was Starbuck's idea," Apollo pointed to his wingmate.
     "Because _he_ lost the signal," Starbuck pointed his thumb at his
wingmate, winking back at Athena.
     "A team that should never be broken up," Athena nodded. "That's
what I always say. So, shall we go in and enjoy some culinary
delights."
     "Hmmm, I think you're feverish," Starbuck reached hand out to
Athena's forehead, colliding with Apollo who obviously had the same
idea.
     Breaking up with laughter, Athena pressed open the door and the
trio entered, still laughing and tangled up together.
     "Look what I found," Athena disentangled herself and walked over
to Boxey. "Someone just left them laying around in the corridor," she
pointed back with her thumb.
     "Dad!" Boxey ran past his aunt and into his father's welcoming
arms. "You're a hero again," he slipped his arms around Apollo's neck.
"You too Starbuck," he looked up at the other warrior.
     "Thanks kid," Starbuck ruffled Boxey's hair before walking past
them and looking for a drink. "Thanks Sheba," he hugged his friend as
she handed him a cup of ambrosa. He looked over Sheba's shoulder and
noticed that Athena was busy pouring a cup for herself and Boomer had
wandered over to get a refill. He moved out of Sheba's embrace and took
a sip of his drink. Over the rim of the cup, however, he watched
carefully as Boomer's hand slipped itself onto Athena's lower back and
she laughed at something he said, her long hair floating over her back.
     _That_ was something he had never noticed before. 
     "So are you planning on standing her all by yourself?" Cassi asked
him as her hand slipped into his.
     "Ah, so glad you're all here," Adama entered the room and everyone
turned around to look at him. 
     "Apollo, Starbuck, this evening is in your honor. Once again
you've saved us from the brink of disaster." Adama walked over and
clapped his son on his back. Apollo turned and embraced his father. 
     "Let's sit down and eat," Adama moved away from his son to clasp
Starbuck's hand before pulling his honorary son into an embrace.
Starbuck awkwardly clapped his Commander on the back before pulling
away. 
     "Come, come," Adama put a hand on Cassi's back and led them to the
table. 

<><><><><><><><><>
Starbuck's Journal
     No matter how often Adama and Ila treated me like an honorary son
I found it awkward. Honestly, I still find it awkward when Adama
reaches out to me. Mostly because he's my commander, but partly because
I know he finds it awkward too, even with his own children.
     Yet, there is another reason. Guilt. Guilt over Zac's death. Guilt
over the way I've treated his beloved daughter. A vicious cycle really,
since it was guilt over Zac that caused me to act towards her like I
did. How could she love me when I was responsible for her brother's
death? I had even found some way to feel responsible for her mother's
death. Her words to me in the locker room cut like a knife through my
heart, confirming my feelings. Or more accurately, what I chose to hear
of her words. I was so justified in walking away after that. I mean,
here I was laying my heart on the line before her and she was pushing
me away. All I took away from that stilted and sad conversation was the
belief that I was right and she couldn't possibly love me
unconditionally. Her own pain and pleas for time went unheard.
     Once I realized what I fool I had been, I also realized she
deserved better than me. So when she tried to make up to me, I treated
her worse to chase her away from someone as tainted as me. Only Cassi,
a former socialator could understand and accept me in my tortured
psyche.
     And I know how insulting those sentiments are to both women. 
     I worried about others loving me unconditionally, when in fact it
was me who was unable to give such a gift. I was in a cage of my own
making and I had to grow up and break free.

<><><><><><><><>

     Starbuck took his usual seat next to Cassi and was pleased to see
a bottle of ambrosa placed in front of him. Eagerly, he opened the
bottle and refreshed his own drink and Cassi's. Jovially, he turned to
his right and was about to fill Athena's cup when he suddenly realized
that it wasn't Athena sitting there.
     "Colonel!" Starbuck exclaimed, almost spilling the bottle in his
surprise. "Um, would you like some ambrosa?" he recovered his composure
quickly.
     "Why yes, Lieutenant. How gentlemanly," Tigh smirked at the
embarrassed warrior. "I know I don't have blue eyes and long brown
hair, but sometimes I like my ambrosa poured for me too," Tigh
whispered, almost causing Starbuck to drop the bottle entirely.
     Starbuck looked around and was relieved to see that no one else
had heard the exchange, not even Athena who was slipping into a seat
across from him.
     "Would you like some ambrosa Athena? Starbuck is serving," Tigh
asked his bridge assistant.
     Athena looked at her superior suspiciously before responding.
"Sure." She handed her cup to Starbuck. Her eyes narrowed as she took
in Starbuck's flushed face and Tigh's almost smile. She had definitely
missed something. 
     "Me too," Boomer passed his cup across the table, having taken the
seat next to Athena. 
     Starbuck glared at his friend as he handed him a full cup back.
     "A toast," Adama raised his glass. "To a successful offensive and
to the men and woman who made it possible. And to our continued
journey," Adama concluded.
     Everyone clinked their cups.
     Starbuck awkwardly clinked his cup with Tigh and turned to Cassi,
who was concluding her toast with Bojay who was seated on her other
side.
     "To you, to us," Cassi turned to him and murmured as she clinked
her cup with Starbuck's. 
     Starbuck forced a strained smile and turned to Athena and Boomer
across from him. His eyes narrowed as he saw Athena and Boomer laughing
together. They hadn't bothered to toast with him! He bit back a comment
and sipped his own drink and then caught sight of Tigh looking at him
over his own cup.
     Starbuck looked at Tigh and raised his eyebrows. He had seen
Tigh's glance slide over to Boomer and Athena to his right and back at
Starbuck. Starbuck flushed, realizing he had been caught pouting and he
looked away. Looking for something to distract him, he noticed that
Cassi and Bojay were engaged in conversation and his eyes strayed
towards Apollo sitting next to Boomer. 
     'At least someone's evening seems to be going well,' he thought
self-pityingly as he saw the glances that Apollo and Sheba were giving
each other.

<><><><><><><>

     "You're going to run out of room on your dress uniform with all
those medals," Sheba commented with a smile.
     "Being suicidal does have it's downside," Apollo raised an
eyebrow.
     Sheba flushed and looked down at her plate. That was a comment she
knew she deserved, now was not the time, however, to discuss that
topic.
     "Sorry, I couldn't resist," Apollo leaned over and whispered in
her ear.
     "No, I deserved that. And a lot more I might add," Sheba started
to speak.
     "But not here and now," Apollo finished for her. "You got me
thinking Sheba, in the short time I've had to think."
     "About what," Sheba looked up at him, fear and hope mingling in
her eyes. 
     "What do you think," Apollo said wryly.
     "So when?" Sheba looked at him challengingly.
     "After dinner?" he suggested.
     "Party in the Officer's Club," Sheba shook her head.
     "After the party?" Apollo suggested.
     "Are you sure you'll be ready?" Sheba narrowed her eyes and
studied his face.
     'She knows me well,' Apollo smiled to himself as he watched Sheba
searching for the hesitation in his face. He couldn't blame her for her
doubts. If he came right out and said that he was suddenly over Serina
and didn't feel guilty Sheba couldn't be expected to believe him. _He_
wouldn't believe him, yet somehow looking into her doubting eyes right
then, he almost felt as if it were true.
     "I'll be ready," Apollo assured her.

<><><><><><><><><><>
I had to close a door in my life for another one to open
so I could go through though I had no guiding light and no signs 
somehow it still lead me to you
<><><><><><><><><><>
Officer's Club
     "Where did Apollo go?" Cassi asked Sheba as they stood trying to
talk amidst the crow in the Officer's Club.
     "He had to think some things through," Sheba shrugged, not wanting
to give away too many details before there were any details to give
away.
     "So are things working out?" Cassi asked curiously.
     "Well," Sheba looked into her cup for inspiration. "I said my
piece before he left on that mission. The timing could have been
better, but I think that good things might come of it," she admitted,
her cheeks tinged with pink as she thought of all the good things that
might come of it.
     "What about you and Starbuck?" Sheba changed the subject.
     "Well, I said my piece before Starbuck left, but unlike you I
don't think good things are going to come of it," the smile fled from
Cassi's face.
     "What do you mean?" Sheba asked in a concerned tone of voice.
     "He's been distant since he got back," Cassi admitted.
     "He usually acts distant after some heavy emotional revelation and
then he bounces back your way," Sheba reassured her friend.
     Cassi shook her head as her eyes sought out her boyfriend in the
crowd. "No. Things have been...different for a while now. Strained.
Since the Rising Star stuff. He thinks I doubted him," Cassi said
softly. "But to be honest..." she started to explain and broke off as
she was jostled by a passing warrior.
     "What, Cassi," Sheba put a hand on her friend's arm to encourage
her to finish.
     "I don't things are going to work out," she admitted in a rush,
looking at her friend sadly. "We've had some good times, some really
good times. We've gotten close, but never for long. He's never been all
there, if you know what I mean," Cassi tried to explain.
     "I know," Sheba nodded understandingly. "Does he love you?" she
asked.
     "He cares for me, he's said he loves me. I just...sometimes he's
so distant from me and I can't reach him. I've seen it dozens of times
in my former career," tears flooded Cassi's eyes. "I really did know
better than to let this happen."
     Sheba shook her head to indicate she didn't understand. 
     "I know about men, especially warriors like Starbuck. You know he
is a lot like your father. Even when he was with me, Sheba, it was your
mother he was thinking about. Except he couldn't have her back," Cassi
revealed a long-hidden truth to Cain's daughter.
     "And Starbuck?" Sheba's own eyes were awash with tears as she
thought of her parents, and Apollo and Serina.
     "Athena. Things between them didn't just end, not naturally
anyway. I was an escape, a buffer. From the things he's said I think it
had to do with Zac," Cassi elucidated.
     "You think he still loves Athena?" Sheba asked in surprise.
     "See, you don't doubt he loved her at one time, you take it as a
given. I didn't see it, or refused to see it when he and I got
involved. Truthfully, I never expected to fall for Starbuck. I knew,"
she laughed bitterly. "One way or another I knew he was bad news. So
yeah, I think he still loves her and I think he's just begun to realize
it himself. Look at him," Cassi pointed to the man in question.
     Sheba looked over and saw that Starbuck was engaged in
conversation with a group of warriors. His eyes, however, were focused
on Athena who was standing with another group of warriors in his line
of sight. Athena, for her part, seemed oblivious to his scrutiny. Part
of it, Sheba admitted, could be because she just didn't notice; but
part of it seemed to be just that Athena took his scrutiny in stride,
as if it was expected. Thinking back, Sheba realized that it was
something she had seen a dozen times, but the implications had never
impinged on her consciousness. 
     "I've taken it in stride, too," Sheba whispered under her breath.
     "I don't think Athena even realizes it anymore. It was probably
always this way with them," Cassi heard her friend's whisper.
     "Oh, Cassi, I'm sorry. I never noticed," Sheba was immediately
sorry for her thoughtless comment.
     "I have," Cassi shrugged. 
     "What are you going to do? Fight for him?" Sheba asked, her
warrior instincts coming to the fore.
     Cassi laughed at the characteristic question. "No, I've tried. I
think it's time to bow out gracefully. There are other fishes in this
sea."
     Sheba looked at her friend and noticed that her gaze was on Bojay
when she said it. Sheba's eyes widened at the revelation. Bojay and
Cassi. What else hadn't she noticed while her sight was fixed on
Apollo. "Do you like Bo?" she asked her friends.
     "He's a good man, a lonely man," Cassi looked at his wingmate for
confirmation.
     "Yes, but do you like him or is he an alternative?" Sheba had to
ask, Bojay was one of her best friends.
     "I think I like him," Cassi admitted.
     "Oh," Sheba said weakly.
     "Don't worry, I'll end things with Starbuck first. But probably
not tonight, it's Starbuck's big night ya know," Cassi took another sip
of her drink.
     "There you are," Starbuck suddenly appeared in front of them.
"Where's Apollo?"
     Sheba raised her eyebrows, but refrained from asking to whom was
he speaking. "He went to think," Sheba told him.
     "I bet I know where he's hiding," Starbuck slipped his arm around
Cassi's shoulder. "I think I'll go drag his astrum back to the party in
his honor."
     Sheba turned her head and noticed Bojay watching them. "Why don't
you go with him Cassi," she said impulsively.
     "Go where," Athena and Boomer joined them. 
     "To find Apollo," Starbuck answered Athena's question.
     "Won't be hard to find, I bet," Athena chuckled at her brother's
predictability.
     "That's what I was thinking," Starbuck smiled at her,
unconsciously watching as she swallowed her drink.
     Cassi looked from Starbuck to Athena. Despite her efforts to hide
it, Cassi could see the longing in Athena's eyes as she evaded
Starbuck's gaze. 'Maybe she does notice?' she wondered. Sheba was
right, this shouldn't go on any longer.
     "I think I will go with you," Cassi said firmly as she moved out
of Starbuck's embrace. She looked to Sheba for her reassurance, which
was given with a barely perceptible nod. 
     "Oh, okay," Starbuck seemed startled as he turned back to his
girlfriend. "Let's go then. See you soon," he waved at their friends as
they headed out of the club.
     "Is everything all right?" Athena asked Sheba curiously as she
watched them leave.
     "Not yet, but it will be soon," Sheba said cryptically. Looking
away from Athena she caught Boomer's knowing look.

<><><><><><><><><>

     Apollo played with the controls on the Celestial Dome's power
console. He just knew there was more the signals than a Cylon ploy.
Something in his gut was screaming it loud and clear.
     Closing his eyes and listening, Apollo realized that wasn't the
only thing he was hearing. Or feeling. Against his lips he could feel
the phantom touch of Sheba's lips against his. He searched back in his
memory and tried to conjure a similar memory of his wife's lips. For an
instant he thought he could feel it, but it slipped away like a
gossamer veil. Weak. Compared to the recent feel of Sheba's lips, the
memory was weakened. But for the first time it didn't cause his stomach
to turn or his heart to pound with guilt.
     Not like all those times in the past when he had allowed his hands
to stray to Sheba's waist or back. 
     Or even to "accidentally" touch her soft hair. 
     Or when he had felt her nails scratch innocently against his wrist
or hand as they battled over something inconsequential. Or laughed over
a shared joke.
     No, tonight, not even the memories of those brief touches pained
him.
     It was like a signal was finally coming through. Not just through
the gamma frequency, but through his heart.
     "Sheba." 
     He tested the name out on his tongue. Comfortable. Yet, not dull.
That was the best description he could give the feel of her name
falling from his lips in the empty room surrounded by the stars.
     Being held by the hand of God. That was how he had explained it to
her when he had shared his place with her. At the same time he had
shared it with his best friend. And it felt right having her there,
seeing her feeling the same awe he felt every time he came here. Even
then he couldn't help but wonder if she would have that look of awe on
her face every time he made love to her.
     Then the thought frightened him. Now a day and another brush with
death later, the idea didn't scare him anymore. Perhaps because she had
been the first to lay it on the line. So innocently and bravely. So
unaware that his feelings ran just as deep as hers. Looking back he
could sense that she had been trying to reveal only a part of her
feelings so as not to scare him. But in truth, even he could see that
they had both gone past where she had placed their attraction.
     Tonight.
     He had promised to speak to her tonight. Originally he had planned
to suggest that they start dating and see where they went. But they
were already there because of their friendship, professional
camaraderie and utual respect.
     And tonight he was ready to walk through that door.

<><><><><><><><><>

     "Starbuck," Cassi reached out and gripped Starbuck's arm. 
     "What?" Starbuck stopped walking and looked at her, the impatience
in his eyes blazing at her. 
     This was right. She had to do it now. Before another night passed,
before more hurt was caused on all sides. "I didn't come out here to
find Apollo with you."
     "Then why? I really am going to find him and I'll be right back,"
Starbuck sighed.
     "Starbuck, before you left on the mission..." Cassi started to
explain.
     "I heard you then, I don't want to hear it now. I'm having a good
time. Can't we discuss this later?" Starbuck turned away.
     "No," Cassi refused to let him leave. "I said some things, things
that you weren't prepared to hear. Things that I know you resent."
     Starbuck let out a breath and looked back at her. "You know how I
am Cassi. I know you care about me. I care about you too, but before a
mission, no I wasn't ready to deal with all that then. You've never
asked me not to go on a mission before. I'm a warrior," Starbuck said,
as gently as he could, but the anger underlying his words came through
anyway.
     "No, I shouldn't have asked you not to go and I shouldn't have
berated you for being a warrior. Honestly, my feelings took me by
surprise. I know I care about you, love you, but I was so frightened
that you wouldn't come back," she admitted.
     "Thanks for the faith," Starbuck tried to joke.
     "Starbuck, what if it was Athena who was saying those things to
you?" she asked him, raising her chin.
     "Athena? She might not like it, but she wouldn't ask me not to go.
Or tell me before a mission she had anything but absolute confidence in
my ability," he told her even though he didn't understand the point of
the question.
     "What about when you proposed to her?" Cassi asked him, feeling a
jolt of satisfaction at his apparent surprise. "Yes, I found out about
that a long time ago. It didn't matter. But she told me herself she
berated you for risking your life like her brothers did. And that she
couldn't bear to be with you and wait to lose you."
     "She had just lost everything Cassi, it's not the same thing. It
wasn't her normal reaction, I walked out because I was a jerk," he
defended Athena vehemently. 
     "You still love Athena," Cassi told him, fighting back tears.
     "No! You don't know what you're talking about. I love you,"
Starbuck argued with her. 
     "No, you don't. You just defended her to me for saying basically
the same thing I said today. I see you watch her all the time. You
couldn't stop dating her and probably still would be dating her if she
hadn't broken it off," she told him.
     "I..." Starbuck tried to argue, but words failed him. Shaken, he
leaned back against the corridor wall.
     "You still have feelings for Athena. Just admit it and move on. I
don't want to lose your friendship, Starbuck. But what kind of woman
would I be if I continued to stand between you two. She still cares for
you, if that helps you admit to yourself how you feel," Cassi said
sympathetically.
     "Did she tell you that?" Starbuck asked, obviously still reeling
from shock.
     "No," Cassi sighed. "I observe people, I was trained in this sort
of thing, remember."
     "Cassi, I never meant to hurt you," Starbuck clasped her hands.
     "And I never meant to let you," Cassi patted his hand before
pulling free. "We'll both be all right."
     "Still, Cassi, I'm sorry," Starbuck looked at her, pain in his
eyes.
     "Goodbye Starbuck," Cassi kissed his cheek and walked away.

<><><><><><><><><>
I learned a lesson here in love and it's ringing loud and clear
Now I'm ready to reveal the things that before I could never say
<><><><><><><><><>

     "So what's your rush?" Apollo asked as they left the engine room
and removed their ear protectors.
     "I have some unfinished business of my own to take care of,"
Starbuck told his friend.
     "And does this business have to do with a game of pyramid or a
certain Med Tech," Apollo laughed.
     "Is that how it's been?" Starbuck asked his friend.
     "What?" Apollo was startled by the serious turn of the
conversation.
     "Has it always been a question in your mind whether I was going to
spend an evening playing pyramid or with a woman?" Starbuck clarified
his question.
     "What's going on Starbuck?" Apollo asked his friend.
     "Yeah, that's what I thought too," Starbuck took his friend's
refusal to answer as an affirmative. 
     "Wait," Apollo grabbed his friend's arm. "That wasn't meant as an
insult. Where is this coming from?"
     "Cassi dumped me," Starbuck told him.
     "What? I'm sorry," Apollo told his friend, his surprise evident in
his tone.
     "Believe me, you probably will be sorry when you hear why,"
Starbuck chuckled. 
     "What does her dumping you have to do with me?" Apollo was getting
confused.
     "She dumped me because I still have feelings for Athena. Because,"
Starbuck took a deep breath. "Because I still love Athena."
     "You love Athena?" Apollo repeated dumbly.
     Starbuck looked away for a moment before turning back to face his
friend. "Yeah, I do. I never told you that before, but I loved her
then. And I still love her."
     "I thought you did," Apollo admitted, a grin spreading across his
features. "I thought you still did, but I never thought I would hear
you say it. First there was Aurora in the background, then Cassi."
     "I never had a chance to end things with Aurora. I was planning to
after the armistice. Did you know I proposed to Athena?" Starbuck
asked.
     "What?" Apollo was shocked.
     "Yeah, she turned me down. Well, I thought she did. She asked me
for some time to think. It was right after the Destruction," Starbuck
admitted.
     "I had no idea, neither of you ever told me!" Apollo seemed
peeved.
     "Not something I like to brag about, but I wanted you to know
now," Starbuck said sheepishly.
     "So you're going to try and win her back?" Apollo said with a
resigned sigh.
     "Yeah, what, afraid to have me for a brother?" Starbuck smiled.
     "Oh, you're so sure she's going to just take you back?" Apollo
crossed his arms.
     "Athena, just take me back easily? No way...she just might,"
Starbuck tiled his head thoughtfully.
     "She always did love you unconditionally, you fool," Apollo put
his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Glad to see you're ready to accept
it. Surprised, but glad. "
     "You know she loves me?" Starbuck blinked.
     "Yeah," Apollo revealed.
     "And you knew I loved her?" Starbuck had to know.
     "Yeah, but I didn't think you would realize it. I figured she
would get over it and move on and you would get sealed to Cassi,"
Apollo told him. 
     "I probably would have done all that if it weren't for Cassi,"
Starbuck admitted. "So what about you and Sheba?" he was ready to
change the subject.
     Apollo's grin widened. "I think it's a night for both of us to
move on," Apollo told his friend.
     "Now, that's a long time in coming. Good luck, buddy! Let's get to
the Club, Brother," Starbuck chuckled.

<><><><><><><><><>
Officer's Club

     "Apollo," Sheba looked up at the late arriving Captain. "Have a
good think?" she asked, unable to hide the hopefulness in her tone, and
in her eyes.
     "I have," Apollo placed his hand on her back. "Would you take a
walk with me?" 
     "Yes," Sheba placed her half-full cup on a nearby table.
     "Excuse me," Starbuck broke in. "Sorry to interrupt," Starbuck
looked at Sheba, hoping she wouldn't shoot him for hurting her friend
and that she would answer his question.
     "She left right after you and Cassi did," Sheba looked at
Starbuck, forgiveness in her eyes. "We can't help how we feel," she
whispered to him before walking with Apollo out of the Club.
     Starbuck stood for a few microns, trying to figure out where
Athena would have gone.

<><><><><><><><><>
(I'm free) When we are one I am complete
(I'm free) I'm undone and I will be healed at last
<><><><><><><><><>

     Sheba held her tongue, though there were at least a dozen
questions she wanted to ask to end the silence between them, but this
was Apollo's turn to speak. She had taken her chance earlier and she
would have to endure the uncertainty a bit longer.
     "I told you I had time to think today," Apollo began. "I wasn't
entirely honest."
     Sheba looked up at him worriedly but refrained from speaking.
     Apollo admired her self-control briefly before continuing. "I
haven't just been thinking about this tonight. It's been a long time in
coming between us Sheba. Probably since the moment you threatened to
blast me out of the stars," Apollo chuckled, remembering his first
impression of what he termed "that uppity warrior."
     "One of my greatest pick-up lines," Sheba deadpanned.
     "Until recently, I couldn't think about my feelings for you
without feeling guilty about Serina. You were right about that. I was
so used to it I lost track of when those feelings were real and when I
began to use it as an excuse. I still love Serina and miss her, and yes
she was a lovely woman," Apollo shot Sheba a sideways look. "But she's
gone and our time, we don't know how long we have. We don't have the
luxury of mourning for yahrens; we have to live for now. I see that now
and I can't continue to deny my feelings for you indefinitely, I know
that Serina would understand that. And I can't deny that Boxey adores
you and has not so subtly hinted that you would make me a good wife, so
he's no excuse here either."
     "So what are you saying you want here?" Sheba broke in when Apollo
finally stopped speaking.
     "I'm saying, trying to say, that I want to give 'us' a try,"
Apollo had known her patience would only last so long. "So what do you
say?" he placed his hands on the sides of her head and stroked her
hair.
     "Yes," Sheba shook her head and tears ran down her cheek. "Oh, and
kiss me," she laughed through her tears.
     "Yes, Sir," Apollo nodded and obeyed her command.

<><><><><><><><><>
(I'm free) When we are one I am complete
(I'm free) I'm undone and I will be healed at last
<><><><><><><><><>

     Athena was walking in the deserted launch bay when Starbuck found
her. She was running her hand along the side of his viper, the stars
acting as a backdrop to what he knew was intended as a private moment.
But he couldn't stop watching her.
     =You still have feelings for Athena= Cassi's words echoed in his
mind as he watched her slow, almost reverent movements. 
     Her hand was tracing the seams of his viper and the silver braid
of her uniform and the shine of her hair were almost indistinguishable
from the stars. What little light they shined into the darkened bay lit
her face and she appeared almost ethereal to him. 
     His mind flashed back to the times she had run her hands along his
body, the same awed and intent look on her face.
     As he watched, Athena's hand suddenly stopped and her body froze.
Suddenly, she spun around and her eyes fixed on Starbuck's form, hidden
in the shadows. 
     "Who's there?" she asked, her hand hovering over her weapon. 
     "Don't shoot, it's me," Starbuck stuck his hands in the air and
approached her. 
     "And that's an incentive not to shoot?" Athena dropped her hand
despite her words.
     "What are you doing here?" Starbuck dropped his comical pose and
stopped by her side, encouraged as he noticed the tension leaving her
body as he stood as close as her dared.
     "A little too tired for a party and too wired to sleep," Athena
shrugged and turned her face away from him. 
     "So you thought you'd come and fondle my viper? You never fondled
me that way, I'm jealous," he quipped, moving closer.
     Athena made a face at him, but didn't move away.
     Starbuck noted for the first time the dispirited droop of her
shoulders. "Athena, what's wrong?" his hand closed over her shoulder
and pulled her back.
     "I told you, I'm tired," she said, not turning around. "What are
you doing here? Alone? Or am I interrupting a rendezvous in the launch
tube?" She sounded almost angry to his ears.
     "Not much in the mood for a party myself," Starbuck tightened his
grip on her shoulder and ignored her other questions. "Did something
happen between you and Boomer?" he asked quietly.
     "Boomer?" Athena turned her head in surprise.
     Starbuck couldn't help the grin that spread across his features at
her instant denial. "Never mind," he shrugged. "So what's wrong?"
Starbuck placed his other hand on her shoulder and turned her around to
face him.  Starbuck held his breath as Athena looked into his face
searching for a hidden motive behind his words. He couldn't blame her
considering how bad things had deteriorated between them since Zac's
death. "Hey, it's me." He moved a hand to cup her cheek. "I know it's
been sectars, but it's just me."
     Athena's eyes closed and her throat moved convulsively. "I've
missed you," she said roughly, instantly understanding the message
behind his words. Her eyes opened and held his gaze. "What's going on
with you? Where's Cassi?" she still needed the words.
     Starbuck opened his mouth to speak, but something stopped him. He
tried again, but was unable to figure out what he wanted to say. With a
frustrated sound he pushed his hand into Athena's hair and pulled her
face towards him. "This," he growled as his lips claimed hers.
     Slowly, he moved his lips over mouth. Tenderly, he urged her mouth
open and slipped his tongue inside and began to explore familiar
territory. The taste, the heat and the feeling were everything he had
remembered, but clearer and stronger somehow. For the first time, he
realized, he was accepting everything the kiss symbolized.
     After a few centons, Starbuck pulled back and breathing heavily he
looked into Athena's eyes. "Cassi's not here, it's just you and me."
     "What is this about?" she asked him, sounding as breathless as he
felt.
     "I've been a fool," he said simply.
     "That's not good enough," Athena pulled away. "What have you been
a fool about? What is this?"
     Starbuck closed his eyes and his head dropped to his chest. He
could feel his need for this woman, but she was right - she deserved
more than his lust. "After Zac was killed on my patrol..." he began.
     "No!" Athena rushed back to him. "No," her hand went to his chin
and pulled his head up until he was looking at her. "I never blamed you
for that," she said softly.
     "No, maybe you didn't, but I blamed myself and I thought you
blamed me. When you refused my proposal," he whispered.
     "No, that's not why," she whispered. "He was my brother and I love
him dearly and I suddenly realized how very much I loved you and I was
afraid I would lose you that way too. Having to listen as I sat
helpless on the bridge," a tear slid down her cheek. "And I was angry
with myself for being even minutely grateful it hadn't been you. Do you
know how guilty I felt?"
     Starbuck bit into his lower lip with his teeth. He could feel
Athena's breath against his lips and her closeness was playing havoc
with his self-control. Now that he had admitted what he wanted it was
overcoming his control. But he had to finish this. His hands shot out
and grabbed Athena's arms. He spun her around until her back was
against the viper and he trapped her with his arms. 
     "Yes, I understand your guilt. I blamed myself and was sure you
blamed me, so I did everything I could to destroy what we had. I even
lied to myself and others. I told them what we had wasn't as special as
it was. I told myself you were a child..."
     "I didn't help that," Athena mumbled.
     Starbuck's face broke into a grin. "No, you didn't. But that's my
feisty woman you're making fun of," he chuckled. "But you were right on
Carillon and all those other times. You were, are, the only woman I
could tell my feelings to. The only woman I'd want to."
     "What about Cassi?" Athena asked, raising her chin in a challenge.
     "She was a shield, I came to care about her and we were compatible
for a while, but it didn't erase what we had between you and I. I
didn't cover what was already there, although it took her telling me
that I still loved you to get me to see the light," he admitted. His
heart was pounding. He had laid it all on the line before her, again.
So the question was whether she was going to reject him again.
     "And if I ask you for time again, are you going to take that as a
rejection?" Athena asked.
     "Maybe a reprieve?" Starbuck joked.
     A smile full of knowledge and promise lit Athena's face. Her hands
slipped around Starbuck's middle and slid along to his back. Her hips
thrust forward and she pulled Starbuck against her. "So are you saying
you still want to get sealed to me?" she asked as she pressed herself
against him.
     "No fair," Starbuck breathed into her hair.
     "Mmmm, but it feels so good," she breathed. "Besides, I'm willing
to give you time to think about it."
     "So is this just a sample?" Starbuck moaned, his hands slipping
around her neck.
     "My mother always said one should test out something before
buying," Athena bit his earlobe.
     "I doubt she meant _this_," Starbuck slipped his hand up her tunic
and stroked the soft skin of her back.
     "You'd be surprised then," Athena chuckled.
     Athena slipped Starbuck's jacket from his arms and let it drop to
the floor with a satisfying thud. 
     "And how much of a sample did your sainted mother advise?"
Starbuck began to kiss her neck.
     "Oh, as much as you can get for free? She always loved a good
bargain as much as I do," Athena's head slipped back as Starbuck began
to take control of the seduction.
     They had to stop. He didn't want their first time to be fully
clothed in a launch bay. "Athena, we have to stop," he mumbled against
her lips.
     "Why?" she asked breathlessly.
     "Because this should be romantic," his fingers slipped into her
hair and pulled her head back.
     "Why?" Athena asked again.
     "Because I love you dammit," Starbuck said violently as he
realized he was losing control.
     "You love me?" Athena's body froze.
     Starbuck pulled his head away and stared at her. 
     "You love me?" she repeated, her body still rigid with shock.
     "Oh my Lords," Starbuck couldn't catch his breath. He had said
those words to Cassi a few times, as well as Aurora. He'd even admitted
how he felt for Athena to her brother and had discussed getting sealed
with her, but somehow he had never said those three little words to
Athena. 
     Staring into her clear blue eyes and seeing the stars reflected in
their wet surfaces he suddenly acknowledged that it was because he
didn't know what love was before this moment. "I love you," he
repeated. "I love you Athena," he whispered, tears slipping from his
own eyes. "I want to grow old with you, I would give up my life to save
you, I would walk away if it would make you happy, I would die happy if
I could just see you smile," he whispered. 
     "I wake up thinking about you and I go to sleep thinking about
you. When I think my life is about to end, you're what I think about.
It's the silly things we used to do that make me laugh or give me
courage when I'm on patrol. You're my best friend's sister and I risked
that friendship to be with you and to run away from you. I love you!"
he exclaimed.
     Athena thought she was going to drown in the tears slipping down
her face and staining Starbuck's tunic. "You're right, we can't do this
here," she said between sobs. "We need," she struggled to say the
words.
     "What do we need," Starbuck asked, his hands cupping her face.
     "We need to start over," she laughed. "We need to do this all
over," she sucked in a breath.
     "Do what over?" he asked in a confused tone.
     "All of this, us," she leaned her forehead against his.
     Starbuck dropped his hands and pulled her into his embrace.
"You're probably right, you usually are," he chuckled. "You're brother
is going to kill me for sure this time."
     "Nah, he's too busy with Sheba," Athena hugged him to her and
chuckled through her tears.
     "Hopefully, hopefully," Starbuck whispered into her hair.

THE END!

Here's the full lyrics:

Free
Music by Rick Springfield and Bob Marlette
Words by Rick Springfield
((c) Super Ron Music ASCAP and Black Lava ASCAP)

So this is the cage that I built, why I built it I don't know
Its bars made of anger and guilt no lock but somehow it just
wouldn't let me go All hail the messenger of love
I got your message loud and clear. Now I'm hungry to be healed
and you can't keep me away

(I'm free) When we are one, I am complete
(I'm free) And I'm undone and will be healed in your eyes

I had to close a door in my life for another one to open
so I could go through I had no guiding light
and no signs somehow it still lead (sic) me to you
I learned a lesson here in love and it's ringing loud and clear
Now I'm ready to reveal the things that before I could never say

(I'm free) When we are one, I am complete
(I'm free) I'm undone and I will be healed at last