Date: Tue, 12 Jul 1994 From: "Eugenia Horne" Subject: I found it...hahaha... I finally found the "Ferrari story" and in the spirit of "crossovers" and other silliness; here is the opening: WARNING: This is a comedy and not meant to be taken seriously. There is also no logic to this story, so applying such may be hazardous to your health. Part I: "Earth? You guys actually found your destination? I can't believe it!" Count Baltar strolled around Adama's office, laughing. "So guess what you've been volunteered to do?" "Volunteered?! Those little green Earthers will kill me!" The Count wasn't laughing now. "Why me?" "Because you have expendable written all over you." Adama gave him an evil grin. And then Adama gave Baltar a shuttle and sent him down to Earth.... Meanwhile, on Earth, a certain actor was missing on the set. Everyone was trying to call him and trying to find out where the heck he was. (Too bad he didn't have a car phone, since he was stuck in one of those infamous Los Angeles traffic jams.) "Where is that guy? He gets all these lines and he doesn't show up," Dirk Benedict complained, waving his fake prop guy around. "Wait 'til I catch him." "Oh, come on. I'm sure he just got delayed or something. He'll get here," Maren Jensen teased. "I think the role has gotten to him. Next, he'll be living it," he muttered and wandered off to another corner of the set. He hadn't got far when he heard a loud crash. "What in the name of the Lords was that?" "'Living the role', huh? Speak for yourself!" Maren giggled. "'Doubled parked'? I don't know what 'doubled parked' is! It looked like a good place to put a shuttle!" Count Baltar walked backwards into the building as he addressed someone outside. "If you want to try to move it, go ahead!" He turned around and murmured, "but I've got the keys." He chuckled just as Maren grabbed his arm. "Athena, what are you doing here?" "Don't be silly, John. It's nice you're already dressed; everyone's been looking for you." "John? Who's John?" "Knock it off. You've obviously been listening to Dirk and have decided to drive him up the wall." "John? Dirk? Athena, are you feeling well?" "I'm fine." Maren shoved a script into his hands and walked off. "Look at your lines and get ready for your big moment," she said over her shoulder, giving him a sly smile. "Lines?" the Count murmured and flipped through the pages. "What's this? I've been directed to shoot at Apollo and Starbuck. What fun." He laughed, reading more of the script, observing how the scene was to be set up. To his delight, he learned he was to hold the Council of Twelve hostage and terrorize the commander of the GALACTICA. Meanwhile, the actor was still held hostage on the freeway. The director siezed Baltar and led him to the set. "Okay, you're with these Nomen and the elevator doors open. You see Starbuck and Apollo, pull your gun, and shoot at them." "All right, if you say so," Baltar agreed quite modestly. He let the director move him into position and watched as the stage crew shut the doors. They were fake sliding doors; a backstage person actually operated them manually. Baltar heard someone shout, "LIGHTS...CAMERA...ACTION!" The doors slid open, and Baltar saw Apollo and Starbuck aiming their weapons rights at him. In panic, he drew his own gun and fired. A large smoking hole appeared in the wall next to Starbuck's face. "Arghhh! It's REAL!" Dirk Benedict gasped and dove for the floor. Richard Hatch didn't take the time; he was already running. The actors playing the Nomen backed away from the Count. "Well, you told me to shoot at them!" Baltar said, looking at the chaos one shot had caused. "Where...did you get that gun?" the director asked, hiding behind a camera. "Adama gave it to me. It's to protect me from little green Earthers." Baltar was now nonchalant about the whole incident; while he was talking, he waved his gun around - which was about to give the rest of the cast heart failure. "Will you put that down!" yelped the director, still behind the camera. "Okay, you don't need to get so uptight about it! Sheesh!" Baltar holstered the gun. "Everyone take a break. I'm going to get the person with the bizarre sense of humour in the prop department." The director managed to sound a little more authoritative but he was still shaken (not stirred). Meanwhile, a red Ferrari swung up to the entrance of the studio. It stopped at the guard's station and the guard leaned out the window to check the driver's identification. "Good morning, Mr. Colicos. Couldn't get your shuttle working this time?" "Huh? Is this studio getting to you? Never mind," he said and drove on. However when he reached his customary parking spot there was a large gray shuttle occupying it (and then some). So he parked in Larson's space. ------------------------------ Subject: Part 2...It's too quiet... WARNING: This is still a comedy and still not meant to be taken seriously. (It still has no logic.) PART 2: Count Baltar wandered around the set and down the hall where the dressing rooms were located. Halfway down the hall, a studio flunky met him and shoved some buff coloured papers into his hands. "These are the latest script revisions," the flunky mumbled and went off in search of his next victim. Baltar looked at the papers and then at the door he was standing next to. There was a sign on the door that read "John Colicos". Baltar remembered someone addressing him by that name so he opened the door and walked into the room. Meanwhile, John Colicos meandered onto the set. He noticed the lack of people and muttered to himself: "Where is everyone? It's too early for lunch." Maren Jensen walked up to him and gave him a puzzled look. "Why did you change back into your street clothes? You're not finished filming yet." "Maren, are you feeling well?" He asked. "Knock it off! You've already asked me that once today. Are YOU feeling well?" "As a matter of fact, I'm a little confused." he gave her his most charming smile. "Why don't you straighten me out, hmmmm?" Maren sighed and shook her head. "You're impossible," she murmured and walked away. The actor looked around, bemused, and saw one of the stage crew watching him in apparent terror. The stage crew was currently engaged in repairing a wall of the set that had what looked like a large hole burned through it. "So, what happened to the set?" Mr. Colicos called out in a pleasant tone. The crew dove for cover. "Don't you remember?" one of the crew yelled back from behind the set somewhere. "Never mind..." The actor was definitely confused. He headed for his dressing room to change into the green uniform that he was so used to. As he made his way down the hall, he began to read the script he was carrying. At any rate, he wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings when he reach his dressing room door. Baltar looked around the small dressing room. How could anyone possibly live in such a tiny space? It was worse than a prison cell. They didn't even supply the occupant with a bed. What did he do; sleep on the floor? Disgusted with the apparent barbarism of the "little green Earthers", the Count turned back to the door and flung it outward as he left the small room. The actor never knew what hit him. "Stop sleeping on the job!" Adama leaned over the unconscious actor, who woke to hear that bass voice yelling at him. "What? Is this some kind of joke?" Mr. Colicos murmured, sitting up, shaking his head, and starting to collect his script, which was all over the floor. Adama (and this was really Adama, who had come to collect Baltar, who was late in returning) siezed the actor by the collar and dragged him down the hallway. While Adama was unknowingly dragging Mr. Colicos to the GALACTICA, Lorne Green was about to have an encounter with Count Baltar (sounds ominous, doesn't it?). Meanwhile, Glen A. Larson was having a conversation with the security guard at the entrance to the parking lot. "Get that red Ferrari out of my parking space!" Larson stalked off, leaving the guard to his own devices. As the guard started to call a towing service, he saw Adama dressed in his blue uniform, hauling Mr. Colicos across the parking lot. "Come on, Lorne. Let go of me. You're breaking my arm! Not to mention wrecking my new suit..." The guard ran to intercept them. He saw Adama shove Mr. Colicos into a prop shuttle and slam the door behind them. A moment later the guard scrambled for cover as the shuttle took off. He watched the shuttle as it disappeared into the blue sky. "This job is getting too weird for me." Unfortunately, the guard did not know what was yet to come. While Mr. Colicos was becoming the first actor to make it into space, Count Baltar had returned to the set. Most of the cast, remembering the incident which had left a large hole in the set, avoided him. "Okay, Baltar, in this scene you do NOT shoot at ANYONE," the director said, a bit cautious, but time was money. "You just stand by this shuttle and wait for Adama to come up to you. Then you say your lines." (This shuttle was a prop, of course.) "Adama's HERE?!" Baltar yelped, startled. "He's supposed to be on the GALACTICA." "Of course he is here. He works here." The director decided he would never understand actors. "Now, please, wait by the shuttle." Baltar strolled over to the shuttle while the other actors gazed at him suspiciously. He decided that Earth was not the place to save the Colonials from the Cylons. Speaking of Cylons, they had just found out where the GALACTICA was hiding. Lucifer was delighted. Not only had they found the GALACTICA, they had found Earth. The Cylons could wipe out all the humans at once and achieve universal domination. ------------------------------ Subject: It continues...Part 3.... WARNING: If you don't like silliness, crossovers, or such, this is your chance to bail out. NOTE: Before we start Part 3, let's have an update on the story. (This is mainly for the writer to figure out just what is going on.) Count Baltar is hanging out on the set waiting for Lorne Green to show up, but he thinks Adama is coming after him. Lorne Greene is in his dressing room. (I guess.) John Colicos is on a shuttle on a little trip to the GALACTICA. Adama is piloting the shuttles. He snatched the wrong person. (Wait 'til he finds out.) The red Ferrari is still in Larson's parking space waiting to be moved. (By what, we don't know yet.) Lucifer and his Cylons have just found Earth and are about to invade. Maren Jensen is still trying to figure out what is wrong with her fellow cast member. Athena hasn't entered the story yet, but she will. Dirk Benedict and Richard Hatch are in a bar trying to recover from the unexpectedly REAL laser gun blast which almost ended their careers. Starbuck and Apollo are not important to the this plot and therefore is doesn't matter where they are at the moment. (Unless they wander in for a cameo spot later.) Now that we know everyone is (I hope)... PART 3: Having just found the GALACTICA and Earth, Lucifer contemplated the slaughter to come. However, he was curious as to why the GALACTICA had traveled so far to reach this insignificant planet. It was not a very advanced place, and all that Lucifer could find in the way of space travel was a few primitive satellites. Since there was no way that this planet could defeat the Cylon Empire, and to satisfy his curiosity about the place, Lucifer sent down a patrol of Centurions to the location to which the GALACTICA was sending shuttles. Meanwhile, on Earth, Count Baltar was still waiting for Commander Adama to make his entrance. He leaned against the fake shuttle, nonchalantly inspecting his gun. He didn't want anyone shooting at him again. Lorne Greene came onto the set and walked up to him. "Don't fire that at me, okay? I heard about your practical joke." "But they shot at me first!" the Count replied, puzzled. Shouldn't Adama be yelling at him, like he usually did, or at least throwing the party to end all parties since he had found the miserable lost Colony? "But what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on the GALACTICA?" "I work here. I heard you were acting weird," Lorne muttered and left, leaving Baltar gazing at him, totally confused. "I'm weird? Earth is weird, that's what is weird. I'm getting out of here." Count Baltar holstered his gun and headed for his shuttle. Adama could handle "the little green earthers" for all he cared. On the GALACTICA, Adama was still hauling a certain confused actor around by the arm. He got to his office and shoved the actor into a chair across from his desk. Adama sat down in his chair behind the desk and leaned forward. "We found the Cylons hanging around Earth. What's going on?" Adama snapped at him. "I don't know. Read the script." "Don't get funny with me!" Adama yelled. "I'm not. Lorne, could you hold it down? I have a massive headache," the actor moaned, rubbing his temples. "If you don't straighten up, Baltar, you're heading for a one-way trip out the airlock!" "I don't know what is going on! I don't care! You guys are just getting even with me for parking in Larson's spot, aren't you?" Mr. Colicos counter-accused. "Listen, Baltar, if you're up to your old tricks again, I'll - " "I'm not Baltar! He's a figment of Larson's imagination and so is Adama. Leave me alone; I've had a miserable day," the actor ended on a plaintive note. Adama thought about it for a moment while watching Mr. Colicos, who looked positively dazed by the whole mess. Maybe the "little green Earthers" had done something to him other than changing the green velvet uniform for a black three-piece suit. Maybe they had brainwashed him. After all, Adama had found him lying on the floor in a hallway. Adama thought about that for a moment and then sent for Cassiopeia to examine the confused actor. The real Count Baltar, who, if he had known about the conversation on the GALACTICA, would have denied he was a figment of anyone's imagination, was walking toward his shuttle. As he strolled across the parking lot, the guard stopped him. "Here's your keys. We found them in the hall. Now move that red Ferrari," the guard said, and handed the Count a set of keys, then left before Baltar could say anything. The guard had had enough of strange happenings for one day, and didn't intend to get involved any further. "Red Ferrari?" Baltar looked at the archaic metal keys in his hand. He shrugged and went to his shuttle. Just as he was about to board the shuttle shuttle, he noticed the vehicle next to it was red. Was that the red Ferrari? He went over to it and opened the door. He climbed into what appeared to be the driver's seat, shut the door, and began to look for the ignition. As he leaned over to look under the dashboard, a troop of Cylon Centurions marched by. (Yes, they had made it down to Earth and were now checking the defenses.) "Ah, here we go," Baltar murmured as the Ferrari started. He glanced at the controls of the vehicle and decided it couldn't be too hard to operate. Surely Adama wouldn't begrudge him one quick trip in a native vehicle. He backed out of the parking space and began his tour of Los Angeles. Meanwhile, on the GALACTICA, Adama learned that the person he had picked up was not Baltar. Cassiopeia had discovered, after comparing personality profiles and brain wave patterns, that Baltar and Mr. Colicos didn't think the same way. She did cure the actor's headache. "Well, you look like him." Adama tried to figure out the weird coincidence. "Well, you look like Lorne Greene." The actor decided to play out the joke. Surely it was some kind of set-up. "But if you're not Baltar, where is he?" "I don't know. I just hope he's not driving my car." TO BE CONTINUED... Will L.A. survive Baltar's trip in the red Ferrari? Will the red Ferrari survive Count Baltar? What are the Cylons doing? Will the Cylons destroy Earth? WHO will save the Earth and the Ferrari? The answer to these and other fascinating questions may be forthcoming in the exciting conclusion. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 29 Jul 1994 Subject: Part 4...(aka - the exciting conclusion) WARNING: Consider yourself warned.... A red Ferrari sped down the streets of Los Angeles. Unlike most silly stories about space visitors to Earth, the driver got the hang of the prevailing rules of the road, and did not commit any massive errors. (In other words, count Baltar stopped at red traffic signals and did not cause any wrecks. He might have been many things, but at least he was reasonably intelligent.) Anyway, Count Baltar was having a good time touring the town. He found that ladies loved the car and would wave at him as he passed. Let's face it; he liked attention from lovely ladies. Meanwhile, of the GALACTICA, Count Baltar's misplaced counterpart was receiving attention from another lovely lady named Athena. Adama had told her to look after Mr. Colicos while he tried to figure out the current situation. "So what is Earth like?" Athena asked the actor. "Like Earth, what else?" He was still a little bemused by the whole unreal happening. He was also a little worried about the fate of his car. "No, what's down there?" "Cities, people, cars - the usual things" "But don't you know about the other Colonies?" "No, we were lost, remember?" Mr. Colicos gave Athena his most charming smile. "But now you've been found. Isn't that delightful?" "Great, but why did I have to be your first contact? I'm sure someone else would have appreciated the honour more." He added to himself: "And the confusion." "You just had the bad luck to look like our emissary." Athena shrugged. "Larson's behind this set-up, isn't he?" Larson, unfortunately, had other problems at the moment. It seemed the Cylon patrol had decided to use the set as their center of operations. They had taken over and driven everyone off the set. Actually the cast was at lunch and was elsewhere, so the robots didn't have a hard time seizing control, and hadn't even killed anyone. Anyway, the Cylons were rearranging things to suit themselves when a red Ferrari swung through the parking lot and stopped at the entrance of the building where the sets were kept. "Hey, what are you doing here?" Count Baltar hopped out of the Ferrari. He hoped he could persuade Adama to let him keep it; it was so much fun to drive. "We-were-sent," one of the Centurions answered. It seemed that when Baltar had disappeared, no one had bothered to reprogram the Centurions. They still thought he was one of their commanders. "Who sent you?" Baltar asked, remembering that these robots were short on words and did not volunteer information. "Lucifer." "Really? So where is he?" "On-the-basestar." "Hmmm..." Baltar thought a moment. "Carry on here. I'll be right back." "By-your-command," came the predictable reply. Count Baltar smiled and trotted around the corner of the building. Now maybe he could get even with Adama for sending him down here to get slaughter by "little green Earthers." He came to the shuttle that Adama had lent him and opened the door. "I was wondering when you would return," Adama said, stepping forward with a gun in his hand. "Ah, I was just about to call you..." Baltar muttered, disappointed by the turn of events. "Is my car still in one piece?" someone called from the back of the shuttle. Adama had brought Mr. Colicos back to Earth, much to his relief. He wanted to end this bizarre joke. "Who's that?" Baltar yelped as the actor came to the front of the shuttle. Mr. Colicos studied Baltar for moment, then spoke. "Nice make-up job. So where's Larson?" he muttered as he descended the steps of the shuttle, leaving Baltar in a state of shock. Adama grabbed the collar of Baltar's uniform and shoved him into a shuttle seat. "Where did the Cylons come from?" he snapped. "I don't know. I just took a little trip, and when I came back, they were here." "Okay, you live." Mr. Colicos re-entered the shuttle. "My car is still in one piece." "Who cares about your car? What about the Cylons? You Earth people gonna do something about them?" Adama had had a long day. Mr. Colicos was unphased. After all, it was either an elaborate practical joke or a dream. "I'll take care of the Cylons," he said. He pointed at Baltar, who was still in shock. "You stay here for a moment. Okay, Lorne or Adama or whoever you are, show me your Cylons." "This way," Adama muttered as he stepped out of the shuttle. Mr. Colicos, unarmed and without hesitation, marched up to one of the Centurions, working in a small group. "Okay, Centurion, who am I?" "Commander-Baltar." (Like I said, these robots didn't speak more than they had to.) "Are you sure?" "Yes." "And would you say that Cylons are perfect? That's why you are hunting down the human race; because they're less than perfect and they have to go in order to make room for the perfect Cylons." "That-is-the-general-plan," the Centurion intoned in his raspy metallic voice. "So you Cylons never make a mistake, right?" "Never" "What? Never?" "Never." (Cylons have never heard Gilbert & Sullivan either.) "But what if you did?" The actor continued on. "Cylons-do-not-make-mistakes." The Centurion was actually sounding a little angry. "But, my dear piece of junk, you just made a mistake." "I-have-not-made-a-mistake." The Centurion was getting really angry. "But Centurion, I am not Baltar, therefore you made a mistake." Mr. Colicos was really getting into the spirit of the thing. He looked back at Adama and pointed to the shuttle. Adama disappeared into the shuttle and returned with Count Baltar, who was still baffled. Who was the Earther who looked just like him? And why was he talking to the Cylons? However, he had to admit his counterpart had a neat ground vehicle. "Now, my dear walking tin can, who is that?" Mr. Colicos asked the Centurion, pointing to Baltar. "It-is-Commander-Baltar." "But you just said I was Baltar. Are there two of us?" "There-is-only-one," the Centurion stuttered. Mr. Colicos closed in for the kill. "If there is only one Baltar, why did you say there were two? You made a mistake you inept machine. So much for the PERFECT Cylons. Admit it, you robots couldn't rule an asteroid, much less the universe." He laughed (and it sounded a trifle evil) and watch the Centurion as sparks began to fly. The Centurion's logic circuits were soon reduced to melted metal, which affected its entire existence. It fell on its face at Mr. Colicos' feet. Its companions, also in hearing distance, followed its lead and died in glorious pyrotechnics. "How did you do that?" Count Baltar yelped, watching his former minions keel over without a single shot being fired. Mr. Colicos turned and faced Baltar. "How did I do that? I watched an old episode of Star Trek." Meanwhile, back on the basestar, Lucifer watched, startled, as the Centurions monitoring the patrol's actions suddenly fell over. Those Earthers must not be as primitive as they appeared if they had something that could take out Centurions long-distance. He gave orders to depart from the Earth system before the humans destroyed his own logic and existence. Let Imperious Leader get his mind destroyed, them Lucifer would take over and conquer something more willing to be subjugated. The basestar left the vicinity and Earth was saved. (Hurrah!) Back on Earth, Starbuck and Apollo arrived just in time for a cameo appearance. (It was in their contracts.) "Okay, we're here to save Earth," Starbuck announced cheerily as they reached Adama, Count Baltar, and Mr. Colicos. "You're too late. He already saved it." Adama indicated Mr. Colicos. "Baltar saved Earth?" Apollo gasped. "No, I saved Earth. Baltar is still too stunned to say much," Mr. Colicos snapped. "Where did you hide the cameras? I hope you got this elaborate hoax on film. It must have cost a fortune to stage." "There aren't any cameras. This is real." Adama looked exasperated. He had come all this way and no one was taking him seriously. "Fine, Lorne, whatever you say," Mr. Colicos sighed wearily. They just wouldn't give up. "I'm going to find something to drink." He wandered off, leaving the rest of them baffled. "I'm going back to the GALACTICA. At least the Cylons are consistent," Starbuck muttered as he and Apollo departed. Adama stared at Baltar for a moment. Before Adama could say anything, Maren Jensen came back from lunch. Hey, John, you promised to give me a ride in the Ferrari, remember?" She came to his side and tugged on his arm. Count Baltar smiled (which looked a trifle wicked) and pulled out the keys. "Anything for you, my dear." He escorted her to the Ferrari as Adama watched. Before Adama had recovered from his shock, Baltar had settled Maren and himself in the Ferrari and had started the car. "Wait just a micron! Let go of my daughter!" Adama yelled, starting for the car. "Too late, Adama. Athena wants to go to Las Vegas, wherever that is!" Baltar's laugh faded into the sunset as Adama watched the red Ferrari speed out the parking lot and down the road. THE END (Aren't you glad? Thank you to the folks who sent nice messages and thank you to the folks for their kind tolerance of this silliness.)