Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 From: Erin Gieg Well, here's the latest...a long time in coming, if I do say so myself :) Special thanks to Robert for the storyteller idea and identity . Cinderbuck "Once upon a battlestar, there lived a poor orphan named Starbuck. Once cycle, he was adopted into a family, and suddenly, he had a Father, Adama, and a brother and sister, Apollo and Athena." The Storyteller paused after that last sentence to wrinkle his nose in an expression of disgust. "Hey mister," a little girl with pigtails said, "Is Starbuck's new family bad?" "Yes, well, I'm getting to that," the man glanced at the children grouped around him. "Soon after, Starbuck discovered that his new family was of an evil sort, bent on tormenting him in any way possible." At that, a grown-up stepped forward from the wall, tapped the storyteller on the shoulder, and whispered harshly in his ear. "Now, Baltar, this is rehab. If you're going to complete it and ever gain a pardon, you'd better not scare the children. Keep it less violent, please." Baltar's lip pushed out in a childish pout, but he nodded his head, then resumed the story. "They even gave Starbuck a new name; Cinderbuck." "That doesn't make any sense," a little boy spoke up. "Oh, but it does," and Baltar chuckled a tad fiendishly. "Starbuck had taken to napping in the fireplace because he was so tired all the time; his new family was constantly piling more work on him." "Meanies!" "Yes, quite," Baltar said, and patted the child on the head. "Wait a cent! Fireplaces aren't allowed in the fleet," a tow-headed little boy said. Baltar narrowed his eyes. "Well they had one." The boy wisely left that one alone. "Anyway, one cycle, the king announced that his daughter, Princess Cassiopeia, would be choosing a consort at a ball that he would be hosting." "What's a consort?" "Um...kind of like a prince...yes, a prince. You know, happily ever after stuff," Baltar said, starting to sweat just a little. "Oh, ok." Baltar gave a small sigh of relief. "So Apollo began to order Cinderbuck around, keeping him busy with preparations for his costume and such. Athena pestered Cinderbuck too, but that was only because she didn't want to be left out. The cycle of the ball finally arrived, and Apollo hollered until Cinderbuck came running. 'Do my hair,' he ordered." "I'm a warrior, not a hairdresser," Cinderbuck muttered under his breath. "Shut up," Baltar said petulantly and squeezed his eyes shut. "It's my story!" He opened his eyes again to see a ring of curious faces inches from his own. "What?" "Who are you talking to?" "Um...no one. Where was I?" "Cinderbuck was going to do Apollo's hair," a little girl said, and giggled as her imagination got the better of her. "Right. So Cinderbuck did Apollo's hair just the way he was told to...and of course, Apollo ended up looking quite hilarious." "Why?" "Well...because...because...um," Baltar sputtered. "'Cause it looked like this!" The little girl pointed to a poster on the wall. "Yes, actually, it looked quite like that," Baltar said. "Who is that?" "Mr. McJolly!" "Oh, of course," Baltar said out loud, then muttered to himself. "Bright red hair and happy meals. Disgusting." "Huh?" "Uh, never mind. Anyway, now that Apollo's hair was all done up, he was all set for the ball." "What do you do at a ball?" "Um, mostly dance." "That doesn't sound very interesting," a girl with pig-tails spoke up. "Yes, well, it was to them," Baltar snapped. The young girl promptly burst into tears, which caused one of the guards to step forward. "There, there," Baltar patted the girl on the head, and rolled his eyes. The guard stepped back as the girl stopped crying. "There is usually food at balls," Baltar said by way of appeasement. "Oooh," the children chorused. "Aaaanyway, after Apollo had left for the ball, Cinderbuck was quite depressed. After a while, he began to notice that it was sort of shiny in the front entrance, as if he had left a light on or something, so he stopped his pouting and went to investigate." "What did he find?" "I'm getting to that," Baltar said crossly. Then, not wishing to call the wrath of the guards down on himself, he continued quickly. "When he reached the entrance, Cinderbuck found that he hadn't left a light on after all. (Which was quite a good thing, you know, because Athena would get quite upset if there was wasting power floating around. She fancied herself a planet-mentalist [author's sidebar - not to be confused with environmentalist, which sounds not near so interesting and sci-fi-ish].) Instead, he found that there was a strange being in the hall, reflecting the night-lights. 'Hello, who are you,' Cinderbuck asked. 'I am your Fairy Siress Cylon.' 'I didn't know Cylons came in Siresses. Are you a new model?' 'That is beside the point.' 'Oh, well then, isn't that a long and unwieldy name?' 'I can wield this blaster just fine. If you don't stop asking pointless questions, I will use it on you and that will be the end of the story.'" At that point, Baltar looked up at the guards again, sure one would interrupt him, but as none did. He concluded that this storytelling business really was quite mesmerizing and made a note to himself to remember that technique for later escape attempts. Then, seeing all the anxious young eyes fixed on him, he continued his tale. "'This must be a new model,' Cinderbuck said to himself, 'as it can say contractions. I wonder if they have put an emotion chip in it. (tee hee).' Then to the Fairy Siress Cylon, he said, 'Well then what are you here for?' 'I am here to aid you in attending the ball.' 'O how wonderful!' 'Yes, quite. Now, you can't go looking like that.' Cinderbuck looked quite wounded. 'I'll have you know that this is my favorite outfit. It's worn in and comfy.' 'Whatever. You still can't go looking like that. This is a ball, after all.' 'Hey, that rhymes,' Cinderbuck giggled." "The hero can't giggle," a little girl said sternly, shaking her finger at Baltar. "Excuse me," Baltar said. "He chuckled then, is that better?" "Yes." And the girl sat primly back down. "Anyway, Cinderbuck was just thinking about what he should wear to the ball. 'I wonder what I should wear to the ball.'" "You said that already!" a few voiced chorused in impatience. "Not exactly," Baltar sighed. "Moving right along...Cinderbuck hemmed and hawed so much that the Fairy Siress Cylon got very annoyed with him, (as if she wasn't already). She decided that she'd just pick some clothing for him. 'I'm not going to wear that! I'll look silly,' Cinderbuck said. 'I did not ask if you liked it. You can wear this...unless you'd like to pick something?' 'Well, I don't know...' The Fairy Siress Cylon looked at him and said, 'Or else.' 'Oh, ok, sure...um...I think just a nice simple suit would be wonderful.' 'Presto,' said the Fairy Siress Cylon, and a very dashing suit appeared, rotating in mid-air. 'Presto? That's so unoriginal,' Cinderbuck said, then went on quickly, 'I guess I'd better put in on, huh?' 'Yes, you'd better. And be quick about it.' Cinderbuck grabbed the suit roughly and headed off to change. 'And don't crease it.' 'Yes, ma'am.' He returned back fully dressed (thank goodness) and started to head out the door. 'Where do you think you're going?' the Fairy Siress Cylon asked. 'To the ball...' 'Not yet, you're not. How do you think you're going to get there?'" "Yeah, how is he going to get there?" one child asked. "I'm getting to that," Baltar said (oddly, with no trace of annoyance). "I still wanna know what's so great about balls...food or no food," mumbled one little guy. Baltar chose to ignore that one. "'Um, not by !SuperBike!, I hope. Those episodes didn't go over too well. Bad memories, you know.' 'You humans are so picky.' 'Okay, fine, whatever you can pull up,' Cinderbuck shook his head in resignation. 'Presto,' said the Fairy Siress Cylon, and a nice equine-drawn hover sled appeared (Outside the door this time, you know how small house entrances usually are.), without the equines, naturally." "Mr. Baltar, why didn't you just say hover sled instead of saying it was equine-drawn with no equines?" Baltar frowned; he hadn't thought of that. "Never mind that, I just felt like saying that. You can't change a story partway in once you've said anything. All the listeners will just get confused!" "Oh," said one child, looking quite confused himself. "Humph," Baltar said. "Anyway, 'Quite nice,' Cinderbuck said. 'Glad you like it.' 'Uh, but where are the equines?' 'Warriors these cycles have no patience. Try and learn that trait quick, or you'll have lisping cucumbers pulling your sled instead of equines!' 'That's scary,' Cinderbuck said, shivering. 'Patience. Right.' 'Presto-the-sauce-without-the-pasta-oh-wait-that's-the-wrong- brand-it's-Prego-anyway-I-want-some-equines-for-this-over-rated- hover-sled-so-give-'em-to-me-now!' Cinderbuck stared at the Fairy Siress Cylon with wonder in his eyes. 'I didn't know that Cylons had it in their vocorders! Bravo!' 'Well thank you,' the FSC said." (Okay, it's a lot of work typing out that whole title every time, so I won't any more!) "What do you mean you won't? This is my story and if I want that title in there, then by Crais I'll have it even if you have to type it!" (Is that so? Who do you think is typing your words, anyway, hmmm, Baltar?) "I don't care! And who is Crais, anyway?" ( Haha! You don't know, do you?) "Would I have asked if I did?" (That's because it's one of my famous obscure crossover references, and I put it in there. I can make you say whatever I want! Get over it.) "Well I never!" (That's just peachy, Baltar. You'd better get back to your story. The children are a little weirded out by the vacant look on your face while you're talking to me.) Baltar shook his head, then his eyes focused again. A group of faces were staring at him, inches away from his nose. "Are you ok?" "Just peachy," Baltar started, then scowled. "So a bunch of equines appeared." "Were they white?" a little girl wanted to know. "Sure, yeah, they can be white." 'But I like black better,' Cinderbuck complained. 'You'll have white,' the FSC said. 'Sure, no problem.' Anyway, now that Cinderbuck was all outfitted with new duds and transportation too, he was all set to go to the ball. 'Now you can go,' the FSC said with a wave of her fairy blaster. 'Yes, ma'am,' Cinderbuck headed for the door. 'One thing. You have to come home by midnight, or you will turn into a pumpkin.' 'Huh? I thought that the hover-sled would turn into a pumpkin! Isn't that how this usually works?' 'I make up my own rules.' 'If you say so.' 'Ok, you're right, everything that is magic will disappear at midnight.' 'A Cylon with a sense of humor, now that's just plain scary,' Cinderbuck shook his head, then walked outside, got in he sled, and off he went to the ball. * Cinderbuck arrived at the ball in style, and everyone noticed. There was much whispering and glances thrown his way as he walked to the ballroom. 'Ouch!' "You big baby," Baltar said, and wrinkled his nose in disgust. 'Am not!' Baltar decided to let that one go for fear that the story would never end. (It has to eventually, you know.) "At any rate, as Cinderbuck arrived, Princess Cassie noticed. Since she loved to dance, she hustled on down from where she had been sitting and asked him to do just that. The pair danced all night. Cinderbuck didn't step on Cassie's toes once. 'You're such a good dancer,' Cassie said. 'Why, thank you!' Just then, the timepiece started to chime. It was midnight! 'So?' " Baltar rolled his eyes. "How soon we forget our kind Fairy Siress Cylon, hm? 'Oh, right,' said Cinderbuck. 'And what is it I'm supposed to remember, again?' "Midnight." 'Oh!' Cinderbuck gasped and pulled away from Cassie, who was likely wondering how sane this catch was. He ran out of the ballroom, down the front staircase, into the hover sled and zoomed off toward home, leaving Princess Cassie staring after him. In his haste, he almost ran over the poor equines as he'd put the hover sled into hyper mode. (The equines are just for effect, after all.)" "Mister, what about the Princess?" "I'm getting to that," Baltar said. The cluster of faces gathered a wee bit closer. "So Cinderbuck arrived at his 'home sweet home' sign just as the bells ceased their ringing, and immediately, everything magical vanished. He rushed inside to get some clothes on." * A few cycles later, Princess Cassie was knee deep in reports. She'd begun a search the morning after Cinderbuck had disappeared on her, using an aged photo of him. (Okay, so that's a little over the top. No time for photos. Hm. Ok, how about a hair sample? Ah yes, that's it.) Cassie had teams scouring the country...er...battlestar-side, equipped with DNA scanners that were set to match with hairs that she had found on her dress shoulder. Her teams had searched every town, every house, except for one. (Hm, guess which one that was...)" "Cinderbuck's!" a couple of excited children bounced up and down slightly. "Yes, you're right," Baltar smiled. "Cassie was called in for this one, since they'd tried all other options; this had to be it. She knocked on the door, and Apollo answered. 'Yeah, what do you want?' 'This can't be where he lives. They seem very rude here,' Cassie muttered. Then, louder, 'I am here looking for someone.' 'Oh, is that so?' Apollo opened the door and stuck his head out. 'Oooh, Princess Cassie! Come in, please.' Cassie decided that this fellow was a little too phony for her liking, but took him up on his offer. DNA tests were done on each person in the house -- even Adama, but no matches were found. 'Oh no,' Cassie lamented, 'this was my last, best hope (we're not talkin' peace here...). Is there no one else that lives here?' 'Well...' Athena said reluctantly. 'Where is he?' Cassie asked, her eyes narrowing. Athena tossed her hair and left the room, returning a few centons later with Cinderbuck in tow. Cassie knew right then that he was her prince in shining...Armani, but she waited patiently for the DNA test to confirm it. It did, naturally." "Yay!" a host of small voices cheered. "And Cassie and Cinderbuck were soon sealed and lived happily ever after. The End." "Really? Ever after?" "How long is that?" Baltar groaned and shook his head. THE REAL END Erin Gieg My Webpage: http://www.connect.ab.ca/~giegabyte/index.html Battlestar Galactica Fanfic Archives: http://www.oct.net/~red/piper/index.html