Adapted for BSG by: B. Conway, sometime around 2000 A.C.E. Disclaimer: No money is being made from this story; it is strictly for the personal enjoyment (or not) of whoever wants to read it. It would be quite inappropriate, not to mention illegal, for anyone to try to use this for profit. Some of the ideas are mine, but the script is unabashedly lifted from the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail, written by Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Michael Palin, and Terry Jones. The Battlestar Galactica characters are the property of Universal Studios or Glen Larson, or their respective lawyers. Anything you'd want to do with it, other than laugh, would undoubtedly need the permission of all the lawyers involved. ********** Battlestar Galactica and the Search for the Holy Grail - Script Scene 1-The Immense Landing Bay of the Gemini Freighter [shuttle landing; two figures appear] [rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr] ADAMA: Stop here! [rrrrrrrrrrrrrr.] GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there? ADAMA: It is I, Adama, son of the Lords of Kobol, from the Battlestar Galactica. Commander of the rag tag fleet, defeator of the Cylons, savior of all the Twelve Worlds! GUARD #1: Pull the other one! ADAMA: I am. And this is my trusty lieutenant, Patsy. We have traveled the length and breadth of the fleet in search of worthy people who will join me in my quest for the mystical planet Earth. I must speak with your ship's captain. GUARD #1: What, holdin' a steerin' wheel from a landram? ADAMA: Yes! GUARD #1: He's makin' noises! ADAMA: What? GUARD #1: With 'is lips. He's makin' that 'rrrrrrrr' noise and you're holdin' a steerin' wheel. ADAMA: So? We have traveled since the deadly winter of our civilization's discontented undoing, through the Nova of Madagon, through-- GUARD #1: Where'd you get the steerin' wheel? ADAMA: We found it. GUARD #1: Found it? In the Nova of Madagon? There's no bleedin' wreckin' yards there! ADAMA: What do you mean? GUARD #1: Well, it's a bloomin' empty bloody piece of space, isn't it? ADAMA: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land. GUARD #1: Are you suggesting a steerin' wheel migrates? ADAMA: Not at all, it could be carried. GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a steerin' wheel? ADAMA: It could grip it by the rim! GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five micromet avian could not carry a half kilomet steerin' wheel. ADAMA: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your ship's captain that Adama from the Battlestar Galactica is here. GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every micron, right? ADAMA: Please! GUARD #1: Am I right? ADAMA: I'm not interested! GUARD #2: It could be carried by an Aquarian swallow! GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an Aquarian swallow maybe, but not a Caprican swallow, that's my point. GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that... ADAMA: Will you ask your captain if he wants to join my search for Earth?! GUARD #1: But then of course Aquarian swallows are not migratory. GUARD #2: Oh, yeah... GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a steerin' wheel back anyway... [rrrrrrrrrrrrrr] GUARD #2: Wait a centon -- supposing two swallows carried it together? GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use an old piece of rigger wire! GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? GUARD #2: Well, why not? Scene 2- The Dark, Dingy Hallways of a Baseship Somewhere MORTICIAN:Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! LUCIFER: Here's one -- nine cubits. BALTAR: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: What? LUCIFER: Nothing -- here's your cubits. BALTAR: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead! LUCIFER: Yes, he is. BALTAR: I'm not! MORTICIAN: He isn't. LUCIFER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. BALTAR: It's just a head-cold! I'm getting better, you addle-headed imbecile! LUCIFER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment. MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations. BALTAR: I don't want to go in the shuttle! LUCIFER: Oh, don't be such a baby. MORTICIAN: I can't take him... BALTAR: I feel fine! LUCIFER: Oh, do us a favor... MORTICIAN: I can't. LUCIFER: Well, can you hang around a couple of centons? He won't be long. MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to the next baseship -- they've lost nine hundred today. LUCIFER: Well, when is your next round? MORTICIAN: Thursday. BALTAR: I, I... I think I'll go for a walk. Yes, a walk's just the thing. LUCIFER: Baltar, you're not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isn't there something you can do? BALTAR: Lucifer, when I get my hands on you I'll tear you apart, circuit by cir... [whack!!] LUCIFER: Ah, thanks very much. MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday. LUCIFER: Right. [rrrrrrrrrrrrrr] MORTICIAN: [looking up] Who's that on the monitor? LUCIFER: I'm not entirely sure, but he looks familiar. MORTICIAN: Must be a commander. LUCIFER: Why? MORTICIAN: He's got 'is own steerin' wheel. Scene 3- Elsewhere Aboard the Gemini Freighter [rrrrrrrrrrrrr] ADAMA: Old woman! DENNIS: Man! ADAMA: Man. I'm terribly sorry. Who captains your ship? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven. ADAMA: What? DENNIS: I'm only thirty seven yahrens -- I'm not old! ADAMA: Well, I can't just call you `Man'. DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'. ADAMA: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.' DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? ADAMA: I'm very sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked-- DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! ADAMA: Well, I AM the commander... DENNIS: Oh commander, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated colonial dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!... if there's ever going to be any progress-- WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do? ADAMA: How do you do, good lady. I am Adama, Commander of the Battlestar Galactica and the Rag Tag Fleet. Who's ship is this? WOMAN: Commander of the what? ADAMA: The Battlestar Galactica. WOMAN: Who's the Rag Tag Fleet? ADAMA: Well, you are. We all are. We're all Colonials and I am your commander. WOMAN: I didn't know we had a commander. I thought we were an autonomous collective. DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship... a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would-- ADAMA: Please, please my friends. I am in haste. Who is in command of this ship? WOMAN: No one is. ADAMA: Then who is your ship's captain? WOMAN: We don't have a ship's captain. ADAMA: What? DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the secton. ADAMA: Yes. DENNIS: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bisectonly meeting. ADAMA: Yes, I see. DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- ADAMA: Please be quiet. DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- ADAMA: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is? ADAMA: I am your commander! WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. ADAMA: You don't vote for commanders. WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become commander then? ADAMA: The Lords of Kobol, [angels sing] by the power of their spirits, did bless this medallion I carry. It was bestowed on me in the most sacred of water rites, held aloft by the Lady of Compassion, she from who's bosom the pure waters of the Well of Caprica flow, signifying by their divine discernment that I, Adama, was to lead the people. [singing stops] That is why I am your commander! DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing medallions is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ADAMA: Be quiet! DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw an overgrown coin at you! ADAMA: Shut up! DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just because some moistened bink had lobbed a bloody handful of change at me they'd put me away! ADAMA: Shut up! Will you shut up! [boxes Dennis' ears] DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. ADAMA: Shut up! DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! --- HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! ADAMA: Bloody Saggitaran! DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh?... that's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you? Scene 4 - Visiting a Very Dry and Sandy Planet [rrrrrrrrrrrrr] [battle sounds] [Darth Maul, Dark Lord of the Sith, defeats a troop of Cylons in a fierce light sabre battle as Adama watches] ADAMA: You fight with the strength of many men, Dark Lord of the Sith. [pause] I am Adama, Commander of the Galactica. [pause] I seek the finest and the bravest warriors in the galaxy to join me in my Quest for Earth. [pause] You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me? [pause] You make me sad. So be it. Come, Lieutenant Patsy. DARTH MAUL: None shall pass. ADAMA: What? DARTH MAUL: None shall pass. ADAMA: I have no quarrel with you, Dark Lord, but I must cross this bridge. DARTH MAUL: Then you shall die. ADAMA: I order you as Commander of the Galactica to stand aside! DARTH MAUL: I move for no man. ADAMA: So be it! [hah] [drawing of weapons, hiding behind trees, firing shots, much twirling about of lightsabres for show] [ADAMA blasts DARTH MAUL's left arm off with his laser] ADAMA: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary. DARTH MAUL: 'Tis but a scratch. ADAMA: A scratch? Your arm's off! DARTH MAUL: No, it isn't. ADAMA: Well, what's that then? [points at severed arm laying in the bushes] DARTH MAUL: I've had worse. ADAMA: You liar! DARTH MAUL: Am not! Didn't you see my last movie?! Come on you pansy-astrum! [hah] [more firing of lasers, twirling of lightsabres, ducking behind large rocks] [ADAMA blasts DARTH MAUL's right arm off] ADAMA: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee oh Lords of Kobol, that in thy merc- [Darth Maul kicks Adama in the head while he is praying] DARTH MAUL: Come on then. ADAMA: What? DARTH MAUL: Have at you! ADAMA: You are indeed brave, Dark Lord of the Sith, but the fight is mine. DARTH MAUL: Oh, had enough, eh? ADAMA: Look, you golmonging snitrad, you've got no arms left. DARTH MAUL: Yes I have. ADAMA: Look! DARTH MAUL: Just a flesh wound. [Headbutts Adama in the chest] ADAMA: Look, stop that! You're getting makeup on my medallion! DARTH MAUL: Poulon! Poulon! ADAMA: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! [zingggg] DARTH MAUL: Right, I'll do you for that! ADAMA: You'll what? DARTH MAUL: Come 'ere! ADAMA: What are you going to do, bleed on me? DARTH MAUL: I'm invincible! ADAMA: You're a loony. DARTH MAUL: The Dark Lords of the Sith always triumph! Have at you! Come on then. [zingggg] [ADAMA blasts DARTH MAUL's other leg off] ADAMA: All right, we'll call it a draw. Come, Lieutenant Patsy. DARTH MAUL: Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh?... You yellow borays! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off! Scene 5 - A Bit Further Down The Road On The Same Very Dry and Sandy Planet [Borrelian Nomen walking single file, chanting and hitting each other over the head with heavy, very ancient and sacred looking stone tablets leading to...] CROWD: A Cylon! A Cylon! A Cylon! We've got a Cylon! A Cylon! VILLAGER #1: We have found a Cylon, might we blast her? CROWD: Blast her! Blast her! TIGH: How do you know she is a Cylon? VILLAGER #2: She looks like one. TIGH: Bring her forward. CYLON: I'm not a Cylon. I'm not a Cylon. TIGH: But you are dressed as one. CYLON: They dressed me up like this. CROWD: No, we didn't -- no. CYLON: And this isn't my hat, it's a bloody upside down empty paint can they put on me 'ead. TIGH: Well? VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the hat. TIGH: The hat? VILLAGER #1: And the hockey gloves -- but she is a Cylon! CROWD: Blast her! Cylon! Cylon! Blast her! TIGH: Did you dress her up like this? CROWD: No, no... no... yes. Yes, yes. A bit. VILLAGER #1: She has got a chronometer. TIGH: What makes you think she is a Cylon? VILLAGER #3: Well, she blasted me heart clear out of me chest and splattered it on the wall with her laser. And it was really gooey and quite a fine special effect if I say so myself. TIGH: She did? VILLAGER #3: I got better. VILLAGER #2: Blast her anyway! CROWD: Blast! Blast her! TIGH: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a Cylon. CROWD: Are there? What are they? VILLAGER #2: Do they hurt? TIGH: Tell me, what do you do with Cylons? VILLAGER #2: Blast! CROWD: Blast, blast them! TIGH: And what else do you blast, apart from Cylons? VILLAGER #1: More Cylons! VILLAGER #2: Fighters! Metallic things! TIGH: So, why do Cylons blast apart so well? [pause] VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of metal.. ? TIGH: Good! CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah... TIGH: So, how do we tell whether she is made of metal? VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her. TIGH: Aah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone? VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah. TIGH: Does metal conduct electricity? VILLAGER #1: No, no. VILLAGER #2: It does! It does! VILLAGER #1: Electrocute her! CROWD: Get the battery! TIGH: What also is electrified? VILLAGER #1: Bread! VILLAGER #2: Apples! VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks! VILLAGER #1: Ambrosia! VILLAGER #2: Uhhh, gravy! VILLAGER #1: Protein bars! VILLAGER #2: Mud! VILLAGER #3: Pyramids-- pyramids! VILLAGER #2: Mushies -- mushies! ADAMA: A bovine-prod. CROWD: Oooh. TIGH: Exactly! So, logically... VILLAGER #1: If... she... can prod a bovine, she's made of metal. TIGH: And therefore--? VILLAGER #1: A Cylon! CROWD: A Cylon! A Cylon! A Cylon! TIGH: We shall use my largest bovine! [yelling] TIGH: Right, have her touch its tail! [There is an unfortunate crackle of static electricity-- it is dry, you know-- the bovine falls over, dead of surprise] [whumph] CROWD: A Cylon! A Cylon! CYLON: It figures. CROWD: Blast her! Blast her! [yelling] TIGH: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? ADAMA: I am Adama, Commander of the Galactica. TIGH: Commander! ADAMA: Good Colonel, will you come with me to the Galactica, and join our Rag Tag Fleet? TIGH: Commander! I would be honored. ADAMA: What is your name? TIGH: Colonel Tigh, commander. ADAMA: Then I promote you to, uh, Colonel. Colonel of... well, the fleet. And you can fill out all the reports and long forms that have to be done in triplicate and boss the pilots around. [Narrative Interlude] NARRATOR: The wise Colonel Tigh was the first to join Commander Adama's warriors, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Lieutenant Starbuck the Brave; Captain Apollo the Pure; and Sergeant Reese of Council Security who had nearly fought the Toddlers of Paradeen, who had nearly stood up to Starbuck once and who had personally wet himself during Baltar's Escape; and the aptly named Corporal Not-Appearing-In-This-Story. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the millenia, the Warriors of the Once Mighty But Now Really Only Present In Tiny Small Bits Of Intergalactic Space Dust, Twelve Colonies. Scene 6 - Still On The Road To The Galactica. Well, On The Road To The Shuttle That Might Eventually Take You To The Galactica As Long As It, Unlike The Landram, Is Not Imaginary. [rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr] TIGH: And that, commander, is how we know which button to press to make the vipers fly backwards. ADAMA: This new learning amazes me, Colonel Tigh. Explain again how ovine bladders may be employed to prevent hemorrhoids. TIGH: Oh, certainly, sir. STARBUCK: Look, Commander! [Heavenly music] ADAMA: The Battlestar Galactica! APOLLO: The Galactica! STARBUCK: The Officers Club! PATSY: It's only a model. ADAMA: Shhh! Officers, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us shuttle... to the Galactica. [cut to warriors singing] We're warriors of the Galactica We dance when e'er it's practica' We do routines and parlour scenes With footwork most exotica We dine well in cafeteria We eat spam pudding mysteria [dancing] We're warriors of the Galactica Our shows are most stupendica But many times, we're given rhymes That are quite undependica We're opera mad on th' G'lactica We sing from the diaphragmica [tap-dancing] Oh we're tough and very practica And really quite expendica Between patrols we'll paint our toes And impersonate George Lucas It's crowded on the G'lactica I wish we had an attica. ADAMA: Well, on second thought, let's not go to the Galactica -- it is a silly place. Right. Scene 7 - The Heavens Open And God's Pure Light Shineth Down Upon The Noble Warriors Whose Most Blessed Quest We... GOD: Oh, can it with the heavy-handed scene titles already. You make me want to puke! Adama! Adama, Commander of the Rag Tag Fleet! [Hearing God, Adama kneels on the ground] Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. ADAMA: Sorry!! GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'. What are you doing now!? ADAMA: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord. GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off! ADAMA: Yes, Lord. GOD: Right! Adama, Commander of the Rag Tag Fleet -- your Colonial Warriors shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. ADAMA: Good idea, oh Lord! GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Adama, this is the Divine Starchart for the Planet Earth. Look well, Adama, for it is your sacred task to seek this, your most Holy Grail. That is your purpose, Adama -- the Quest for the Holy Grail. ADAMA: A blessing! STARBUCK: A blessing from the Lord! APOLLO: God be praised! Scene 8 - Um... Still On The Planet. Near A Fortress. [clop clop] ADAMA: Halt! Hello! Hello! CYLON: 'Allo!-Who-is-zis? ADAMA: It is Commander Adama, and these are my Colonial Warriors. Who's castle is this? CYLON: This-is-the-castle-of-my-master,-Guy-de-Luminum! ADAMA: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. CYLON: Well,-I'll-ask-him,-but-I-don't-think-he'll-be-very-keen... Uh,-he's-already-got-one,-you-see? ADAMA: What? APOLLO: He says they've already got one! ADAMA: Are you sure he's got one? CYLON: Oh,-yes,-it's-a-very-nice-a [snickering to another centurion] (I-told-him-we-already-got-one) ADAMA: Well, um, can we come up and have a look? CYLON: Of-course-not! You-are-a-Colonial-types-a! ADAMA: Well, what are you then? CYLON: I'm-Francais-Cylonais! Why-do-think-I-have-this-outrageous- accent,-you-silly-commander! APOLLO: What are you doing in our comedy? CYLON: Mind-your-own-business! ADAMA: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force! CYLON: You-don't-frighten-us,-Colonial-porcine-daggits! Go-and-boil your-bottoms,-sons-of-a-silly-person. I-blow-my-metal-nose-at-you, -so-called-Adama-commander,-you-and-all-your-silly-Colonial- wahhhhhhhhhhh-riors. Thppppt! APOLLO: What a strange Cylon. ADAMA: Now look here, my good machine! CYLON: I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you-no-more,-you-empty-headed-animal- food-trough-wiper!. I-fart-in-your-general-direction! Your-mother- was-a-hamster-and-your-father-smelled-of-elderberries! APOLLO: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? CYLON: No,-now-go-away-or-I-shall-taunt-you-a-second-time-a! ADAMA: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. CYLON: Fetchez-la-vache! OTHER CYLON: Quoi? CYLON: Fetchez-la-vache! [moo!] ADAMA: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall- [twang - large bovine sails just over their heads] [moooooooooooooooooooooooooo] Sagan's Toupee! Right! Charge! ALL: Charge! [All warriors charge] CYLON: Ah,-this-one-is-for-your-mother! [twang - overhead shadow of bovine looms larger] ALL: Run away! CYLON: Thpppt! [after running away...] STARBUCK: Tin heads! I'll tear them apart! ADAMA: No no, no no! TIGH: Security Sergeant! I have a plan, Security Sergeant. [later] [chop saw chop saw] [rumble rumble squeak] [Wheeling trojan rabbit up to castle gates and leaving] [Slowly gates open a crack and Cylons peak out] MUTTERING CYLONS: C'est-un-lapin,-lapin-de-bois. Quoi? Un-cadeau. What? A-present. Oh,-un-cadeau. Oui,-oui. Hurry. What? Let's-go. Oh. On-y-va. Bon-magne. Over-here... [rumble rumble squeak] [wheeling trojan rabbit inside] [loud clang as gates close] [Colonial warriors crouch below the castle, awaiting the next phase of the plan] ADAMA: What happens now? TIGH: Well, now, uh, Starbuck, Apollo, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French-Cylons by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! ADAMA: Who leaps out? TIGH: Uh, Starbuck, Apollo, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and uh... ADAMA: Oh... TIGH: Oh... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger-- [twang - overhead shadow of large wooden rabbit looms larger] ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! [splat] CYLONS: Oh,-haw-haw-haw. Scene 9 Vids for Instructional Period, take 8. DIRECTOR: Action! HISTORIAN: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened Commander Adama. The ferocity of the French-Cylon taunting took him completely by surprise, and Adama became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Adama, having consulted his highest ranking officers, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did- Lieutenant Starbuck... [clop clop] [An unknown warrior runs by and kills the narrator] HYSTERICAL WOMAN: Greg! Scene 10 NARRATOR: The Tale of Council Security Sergeant Reese.... So each of the warriors went their separate ways. Security Sergeant Reese rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Security Sergeant Reese, rode forth from the fleet. He was not afraid to die, o' Brave Security Sergeant Reese. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave, brave Security Sergeant Reese! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Security Sergeant Reese! His head smashed in and his heart cut out, And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off, And his penis... REESE: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot. DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom. WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud. [encounter 3-headed centurion] ALL HEADS: Halt! Who-art-thou? MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Security Sergeant Reese, brave Security Sergeant Reese, who-- REESE: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through. ALL HEADS: What-do-you-want? MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and-- REESE: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust to um, just to p-pass through good centurion. ALL HEADS: I'm-afraid-not! REESE: Ah. W-well, actually I am a member of Council Security and Commander Adama's ground forces. ALL HEADS: You're-a member-of-Council-Security? REESE: I am. LEFT HEAD: In-that-case-I-shall-have-to-kill-you. MIDDLE HEAD: Shall-I? RIGHT HEAD: Oh,-I-don't-think-so. MIDDLE HEAD: Well,-what-do-I-think? LEFT HEAD: I-think-kill-him. RIGHT HEAD: Well-let's-be-nice-to-him. MIDDLE HEAD: Oh-shut-up. LEFT HEAD: Perhaps- MIDDLE HEAD: And-you. LEFT HEAD: Oh-quick-get-the-sword-out-I-want-to-cut-his-head-off! RIGHT HEAD: Oh,-cut-your-own-head-off! MIDDLE HEAD: Yes,-do-us-all-a-favor! LEFT HEAD: What? RIGHT HEAD: Yapping-on-all-the-time. MIDDLE HEAD: You're-lucky,-you're-not-next-to-him. LEFT HEAD: What-do-you-mean? MIDDLE HEAD: You-snore. LEFT HEAD: Oh-I-don't -- anyway,-you've-got-bad-breath. MIDDLE HEAD: Well-its-only-because-you-don't-brush-my-faceplate. RIGHT HEAD: Oh-stop-bitching-and-let's-go-have-some-turbo-oil. LEFT HEAD: All-right-all-right-all-right-we'll-kill-him-first-and- then-have-turbo-oil-and-biscuits. MIDDLE HEAD: Yes. RIGHT HEAD: Oh,-but-not-biscuits. LEFT HEAD: All-right-all-right-not-biscuits,-but-let's-kill-him- anyway. ALL HEADS: Right! LEFT HEAD: He-buggered-off. RIGHT HEAD: So-he-has,-he's-scarpered. MINSTREL (singing): Brave Security Sergeant Reese ran away REESE: No! MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away, away REESE: I didn't! MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled REESE: No! MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Security Sergeant Reese turned about REESE: I didn't! MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet REESE: I never did! MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat REESE: Oh, lie! MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Security Sergeant Reese REESE: I never! Scene 11: In The Woods Near A Big Dark Castle. NARRATOR: The Tale of Captain Apollo [Apollo valiantly fights the forces of nature: thunder, lightning, rain and wind] [angels sing; suddenly Apollo spots the light of the Grail over castle, stumbles to door] [pound pound pound] APOLLO: Open the door! Open the door! [pound pound pound] In the name of Commander Adama, open the door! [squeak thump] [Apollo falls thru open door] ALL: Hello! AMNESIA: Welcome gentle warrior, welcome to the Castle Anthrax. APOLLO: [looking up at the lovely female face staring back down at him] The Castle Anthrax? AMNESIA: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh, but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need! APOLLO: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? AMNESIA: The what? APOLLO: The Grail -- it is here? AMNESIA: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Vella! Sarah! VELLA and SARAH: Yes, oh Amnesia! AMNESIA: Prepare a bed for our guest. VELLA and SARAH: Oh thank you thank you thank you-- AMNESIA: Away, away varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft -- and very, very big. APOLLO: Well, look, I-I-uh-- AMNESIA: What is your name, handsome warrior? APOLLO: Captain Apollo... the Chaste. AMNESIA: Mine is Amnesia... just Amnesia. Oh, but come! APOLLO: Look, please! In Sagan's name, show me the Grail! AMNESIA: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious! APOLLO: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the-- AMNESIA: Captain Apollo! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. APOLLO: Well, I-I-uh-- AMNESIA: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear... We are just not used to handsome warriors. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded! APOLLO: No, no -- i-it's nothing! AMNESIA: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down. [claps hands, doctors appear] DR. SHEBA: Ah. What seems to be the trouble? APOLLO: They're doctors?! AMNESIA: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes. APOLLO: B-but-- AMNESIA: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Sheba, Doctor Serina, practice your art. DR. SHEBA: Try to relax. APOLLO: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? DR. SERINA: We must examine you. APOLLO: There's nothing wrong with that! DR. SHEBA: Please -- we are doctors. APOLLO: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity! DR. SHEBA: Back to your bed! APOLLO: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! DR. SERINA: There's no grail here. APOLLO: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen - - [runs from room, frantically searching] [stops in his tracks just inside change/bathing room filled with... gasp... girls!] GIRLS: Hello. APOLLO: Oh-- VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. [Woman who answered castle door appears] APOLLO: Amnesia! BRENDA: No, I am Amnesia's identical twin sister, Brenda. APOLLO: Oh, well, excuse me, I-- BRENDA: Where are you going? APOLLO: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle! BRENDA: Oh no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Amnesia! APOLLO: What is it? BRENDA: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Amnesia! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. APOLLO: It's not the real Grail? BRENDA: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Amnesia! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her! GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! BRENDA: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me. VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. And me. And me. BRENDA: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! BRENDA: And after the spanking, the oral sex. GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex! APOLLO: Well, I could stay a BIT longer. STARBUCK: Captain Apollo! APOLLO: Oh, hello. STARBUCK: Quick! APOLLO: What? STARBUCK: Quick! APOLLO: Why? STARBUCK: You're in great peril! AMNESIA: No, he isn't STARBUCK: Silence, foul temptress! APOLLO: Now look, it's not important. STARBUCK: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape! APOLLO: Look, I'm fine! STARBUCK: Come on! APOLLO: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! BRENDA: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed! STARBUCK: No, Apollo, come on! APOLLO: No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily! BRENDA: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily. GIRLS: Yes, yes! APOLLO: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them! BRENDA: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance. GIRLS: Yes, yes. [Starbuck pulls Apollo out the castle door and shuts it soundly behind them. Slam!] BRENDA: Oh, felgercarb! [outside] STARBUCK: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril. APOLLO: I don't think I was. STARBUCK: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril. APOLLO: Look, I'm going to go back in there and face the peril. STARBUCK: No, it's too perilous. APOLLO: Look, it's my duty as the captain to sample as much peril as I can... STARBUCK: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on! APOLLO: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril? STARBUCK: No, it's unhealthy. APOLLO: Bet you're gay! STARBUCK: No, I'm not. NARRATOR: Lieutenant Starbuck had saved Captain Apollo from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, Commander Adama and Colonel Tigh, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away -- four, really, if they had a landram steering wheel on a rigger wire between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging-- CROWD: Get on with it! NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Adama discovers a vital clue, in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling -oolp! Scene 12: With A Crazy Old Man Before A Roaring Fire. OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha! ADAMA: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail? OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he! ADAMA: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered. ADAMA: And the Grail... The Grail is there? OLD MAN: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed. ADAMA: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!? OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death. ADAMA: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail? OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha! [Old man disappears] Scene 13: Traveling Again Through The Deep, Dark Woods. [rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr] [eerie music] HEAD CYLON: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! ADAMA: Who are you? HEAD CYLON: We-are-the-Cylons-Who-Say... Ni! ADAMA: No! Not the Cylons Who Say Ni! HEAD CYLON: The-same! TIGH: Who are they? HEAD CYLON: We-are-the-keepers-of-the-sacred-words: Ni, Ping, and Nuu-wom! OTHER CYLONS, AT RANDOM: Nuu-wom! ADAMA: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! HEAD CYLON: The-Cylons-Who-Say-Ni-demand-a-sacrifice! ADAMA: Cylons of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. HEAD CYLON: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! ADAMA and PARTY: [clutching ears painfully] Oh, ow! HEAD CYLON: We-shall-say-'Ni'-again-to-you-if-you-do-not-appease-us. ADAMA: Well, what is it you want? HEAD CYLON: We-want...-a-shrubbery! [dramatic chord] ADAMA: A what? HEAD CYLON: Ni! Ni! ADAMA and PARTY: Oh, ow! ADAMA: Please, please! No more! We will find a shrubbery. HEAD CYLON: You-must-return-here-with-a-shrubbery-or-else-you-will- never-pass-through-this-wood...-alive! ADAMA: O Cylons of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery. HEAD CYLON: One-that-looks-nice. ADAMA: Of course. HEAD CYLON: And-not-too-expensive. ADAMA: Yes. HEAD CYLON: Now...-go! Scene 14: Aboard another Huge Freighter In The Fleet- The Swamp Ship. NARRATOR: The Tale of Lieutenant Starbuck. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: [gesturing in the direction of the ornately decorated door] One day, lad, all this will be yours! WESLEY: What, the curtains? [Yes, I know they're not from BSG. The whiny little tart should really have been Boxey, but his dad, who would have been integral to the scene, was busy recovering from his earlier... um, peril... and couldn't be disturbed. So I borrowed another annoying child actor. So shoot me...] CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the corridors of this ship! This'll be your kingdom, lad! WESLEY: But, Commander-- CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Captain, lad, captain. WESLEY: But Captain, I don't want any of that. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Listen, lad. I've built this ship up from nothing. When I started, all there was was swamp. The Federation said I was daft to build a ship from a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one launched. An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the space-worthiest ship in this fleet. WESLEY: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather-- CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Rather what?! WESLEY: I'd rather... just... [music swells]... sing! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Stop that, stop that! [music grinds to a noisy halt] You're not going to do a song while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty centons you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest ship in the fleet. WESLEY: But I don't want a big ship. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Listen, Alice... WESLEY: Wesley. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Wesley... we live on a bloody swamp ship. We need all the dry space we can get. WESLEY: But I don't like her. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... [gestures with hands] aft thrusters... WESLEY: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music swells]... something... CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Cut that out, cut that out! [music grinds to a noisy halt] Look, you're marryin' Siress Beloby, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smacks Wesley] Guards! Make sure Wesley doesn't leave this compartment until I come and get 'im. GUARD #1: Not to leave the compartment even if you come and get him. GUARD #2: Hic! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: No, no. Until I come and get 'im. GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the compartment. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: No, no, no. You stay in the compartment and make sure he doesn't leave. GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him. GUARD #2: Hic! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Right. GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the compartment. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: No, no. Leaving the compartment. GUARD #1: Leaving the compartment, yes. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: All right? GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we... CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Yes, what is it? GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh-- CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Look, it's quite simple. GUARD #1: Uh... CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the compartment. All right? GUARD #2: Hic! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Right. GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the compartment with us? CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: N- no no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure-- GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him-- CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: No, no, just keep him in here-- GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,-- CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: No, not anyone else, just me-- GUARD #1: Just you. GUARD #2: Hic! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Get back. GUARD #1: Get back. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Right? GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. GUARD #1: What? CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Wesley? CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. [points at other guard] Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Is that clear? GUARD #2: Hic! GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going? GUARD #1: We're coming with you. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right. WESLEY: But, Captain! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Shut your noise, you! [door shuts behind Picard] [door opens again] And get that suit on! [door shuts behind Picard] [music swells] [door opens once more] And no singing! [music grinds to a noisy halt] GUARD #2: Hic! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Oh, go get a glass of water. [door shuts one final time] [Wesley sidles over to desk as clueless security guards look on] [scribbles a note] [ties it to an arrow with a rather fetching pink ribbon] [sidles over and picks up bow] [sidles over to window] [yes, yes I know there are no open windows on a ship but the gits who wrote this scene were drunk half off their astrums on cheap ambrosia when they wrote this. You're lucky they remembered to use Colonial time units. Quit yer gripin' and just keep reading...] [Wesley sets arrow on bowstring] [nonchalantly shoots arrow out window] [guards smile stupidly- pretty much as you've come to expect from Council Security...] Scene 15: Also Aboard The Swamp Ship... well, I don't know how they got there all of a sudden- it said so in the script. Come on, use a little imagination, would you?! [the warriors are hopping downed girders as they walk- the place is a mess] [Corporal Komma carries all of Starbuck's gear in a huge backpack- it sucks to be enlisted] STARBUCK: Well taken, Komma! KOMMA: Thank you, sir! Most kind. STARBUCK: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, Komma! [thwonk! Arrow with message wrapped 'round it strikes Komma mid-chest] KOMMA: Message for you, sir. [fwump! Komma falls over] STARBUCK: Komma! Komma, speak to me! [Starbuck unrolls note from arrow and begins to read] 'To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in a terribly cramped cabin with nowhere near enough closet space in the Swamp Ship.' At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Komma! You shall not have died in vain! KOMMA: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir. STARBUCK: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! KOMMA: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir. STARBUCK: [a bit disappointed at the lack of peril] Oh, I see... KOMMA: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you-- STARBUCK: [somewhat melodramatically] No, no, sweet Komma! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring, heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh) KOMMA: Idiom, sir? STARBUCK: Idiom! KOMMA: No, I feel fine, actually, sir. STARBUCK: Farewell, sweet Komma! KOMMA: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah. Scene 16: Still Aboard the Huge Freighter- The Swamp Ship. [Starbuck charges the castle, laser blasting] STARBUCK: Ha-ha! Ho! [Carnage and mayhem] GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're- [zap!] GUARD #1: ugh! STARBUCK: [bows and kneels before Wesley] O lovely one, behold your humble servant Lieutenant Starbuck of the Battlestar Galactica. I have come to take -[looks behind Wesley for the damsel he thinks he's rescuing, then notices Wesley]- oh, I'm terribly sorry. WESLEY: You got my note! STARBUCK: Uh, well, I got... _a_ note. WESLEY: You've come to rescue me! STARBUCK: Uh, well, no, you see-- WESLEY: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... there must be... [music]... someone... CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you? WESLEY: I'm your son! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: No, not you. STARBUCK: I'm Lieutenant Starbuck, sir. WESLEY: He's come to rescue me, Father. STARBUCK: Well, let's not jump to conclusions. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Did you kill all the guards? STARBUCK: Uh... oh, yes. Sorry. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: They cost fifty cubits each! STARBUCK: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything. WESLEY: Don't be afraid of him, Lieutenant Starbuck, I've got a rope all ready! [ties one end to bedpost, throws other end out window] CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: You killed eight wedding guests in all! STARBUCK: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: I can understand that. WESLEY: [climbing out window] Hurry, Lieutenant Starbuck! Hurry! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all! STARBUCK: Well, I really didn't mean to... CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Didn't mean to?! You shot your laser right through his head! STARBUCK: Oh, dear. Is he all right? CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune! STARBUCK: Well, I can explain. I was in the corridor, um, coming up from the landing bay, when I got this note, you see-- CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Shuttle? Are you from, uh, the Galactica? WESLEY: [outside window, hanging onto rope] Hurry, Lieutenant Starbuck! STARBUCK: Uh, I'm one of Commander Adama's warriors, sir. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Pretty nice battlestar, the Galactica. Uh, pretty big landing bays... STARBUCK: Um, yes... WESLEY: Hurry, I'm ready! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink? STARBUCK: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you. WESLEY: [still clinging to rope] I am ready! STARBUCK:... I mean to be... so understanding. [Captain Jean-Luc Picard innocently cuts rope] WESLEY: Oooh! [splat] STARBUCK: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Oh, don't worry about that. Scene 17: In the Large Main Hall of Swamp Ship, After All the Mayhem Caused by Lieutenant Starbuck. [wailing] CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Well, this is the main hall. [Points to a bulkhead] We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room. RANDOM: There he is! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Oh, bloody hell. STARBUCK: [draws laser] Ha-ha! etc. [more carnage and mayhem] CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Hold it, hold it! Please! STARBUCK: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone. RANDOM: He's killed the best man! [yelling] CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Lieutenant Starbuck from the Battlestar Galactica -- a very brave and influential warrior, and my special guest here today. STARBUCK: Hello. RANDOM: He killed my auntie! [yelling] CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Wesley, has just fallen to his death. But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father-- RANDOM: He's not quite dead! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Since the near fatal wounding of her father-- RANDOM: He's getting better! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,-- [nods to guards] [guards kill her father] [ugh] RANDOM: Oh, he's died! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense. [applause] And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Lieutenant Starbuck of the Galactica-- STARBUCK: What? RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince! KOMMA: [guiding Wesley] He's not quite dead! WESLEY: Oh, I feel much better. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep! WESLEY: No, I was saved at the last centon. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: How?! WESLEY: Well, I'll tell you... [music] CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it! [music swells louder and louder] SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: Shut up! SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! KOMMA: [To Starbuck] Quickly, sir! Come this way!!! STARBUCK: No, it's not right for my idiom. I must escape more... [sigh] KOMMA: Dramatically sir? STARBUCK: Dramatically!!!! [He jumps heroically] [crash!] [Starbuck hovers on chandelier swinging faintly over crowd] Excuse me, could, uh,... could somebody give me a push, please? Scene 18: On the Planet, in a Nearby Town. [clop clop] ADAMA: Old Crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? [dramatic chord] BELLOBY: [nervously] Who sent you? ADAMA: The Cylons Who Say Ni. BELLOBY: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. ADAMA: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... `Ni!'. BELLOBY: Agh! Do your worst! ADAMA: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... Ni! BELLOBY: No! Never! No shrubs! ADAMA: Ni! COLONEL TIGH: Noo! Noo! ADAMA: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'Nee!'. COLONEL TIGH: Noo! ADAMA: No, no -- 'Nee!'. You're not doing it properly. COLONEL TIGH: Noo! Ni! ADAMA: That's it, that's it, you've got it. ADAMA and COLONEL TIGH: Ni! Ni! MAGA: Are you saying 'Ni' to that old woman? ADAMA: Um, yes. MAGA: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `Ni' at will to old ladies... There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. ADAMA: Did you say `shrubberies'? MAGA: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name is Maga the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. COLONEL TIGH: Ni! ADAMA: No! No, no, no! No! Scene 19: Back in the Deep Dark Woods. ADAMA: Cylons of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? HEAD CYLON: It-is-a-good-shrubbery. I-like-the-laurels-particularly. But-there-is-one-small-problem. ADAMA: What is that? HEAD CYLON: We-are-now-... -no-longer-the-Cylons-Who-Say-Ni. RANDOM: Ni! HEAD CYLON: Shh-shh. We-are-now-the-Cylons-Who-Say- "Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble". RANDOM: Ni! HEAD CYLON: Therefore,-we-must-give-you-a-test. ADAMA: What is this test, O Cylons of-- Cylons Who 'Til Recently Said Ni? HEAD CYLON: Firstly,-you-must-find-... -another-shrubbery! [dramatic chord] ADAMA: Not another shrubbery! HEAD CYLON: Then,-when-you-have-found-the-shrubbery,-you-must-place- it-here-beside-this-shrubbery,-only-slightly-higher-so-you-get-a- two-level-effect-with-a-little-path-running-down-the-middle. RANDOM: A path! A path! Ni! HEAD CYLON: Then-when-you-have-found-the-shrubbery,-you-must-cut- down-the-mightiest-tree-in-the-forest-... -with-... -a-herring! [dramatic chord] ADAMA: We shall do no such thing! HEAD CYLON: Oh-please! ADAMA: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. CYLONS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! HEAD CYLON: Don't-say-that-word. ADAMA: What word? HEAD CYLON: I-cannot-tell. Suffice-to-say-is-one-of-the-words-the- Cylons-of-Ni-cannot-hear. ADAMA: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? CYLONS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! ADAMA: What? `Is'? HEAD CYLON: No-not-`is' - we-couldn't-get-very-far-in-life-not- saying-`is'. COLONEL TIGH: Commander, it's Security Sergeant Reese! MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering off And chickening out and pissing off home Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge... ADAMA: Oh, Sergeant Reese! SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: Commander! It's good to see you! CYLONS: Aaaaugh! HEAD CYLON: He-said-the-word! ADAMA: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail? MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering off- SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it. HEAD CYLON: He-said-the-word-again! SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: I was looking for it. CYLONS: Aaaaugh! SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: Uh, here, here in this forest. ADAMA: No, it is far from-- CYLONS: Aaaaugh! HEAD CYLON: Aaaaugh! Stop-saying-the-word! ADAMA: [to triple-headed Cylon] Oh, stop it! CYLONS: Aaaaugh! HEAD CYLON: Oh! He-said-it-again! ADAMA: Lieutenant Patsy! HEAD CYLON: Wait! I-said-it! I-said-it! Ooh! I-said-it-again! CYLONS: Aaaaugh! Narrative Interlude NARRATOR: And so Adama and Colonel Tigh and Security Sergeant Reese set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 12. Beyond the forest they met Starbuck and Apollo, and there was much rejoicing. ALL: Yay! Yay! NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Arcta they were forced to eat Security Sergeant Reese's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing. ALL: Yay! NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day... Scene 20: In a Mysterious Mountainous Land of Enchantment. ADAMA: Warriors! Forward! [boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom] [various lightnings and pyrotechnics] ADAMA: What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder? CROFT: I... am an enchanter. What does it look like? ADAMA: By what name are you known? CROFT: There are some who call me... Grid Rat? ADAMA: Greetings, Grid Rat the Enchanter. CROFT: Greetings, Commander Adama! ADAMA: You know my name? CROFT: Well, yeah! It's not like we weren't in an episode together. And a two-parter, at that. Sheesh, how quickly they forget! [whoosh, more pyrotechnics] CROFT: You seek the Holy Grail! ADAMA: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Grid Rat. CROFT: Quite. [pweeng boom] [appreciative applause from the gathered warriors] ADAMA: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. WARRIORS: Yeah, It is, yes, yup, yup, yeah hmm. ADAMA: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it. WARRIORS: Yes we are, we are. COLONEL TIGH: We have been for some time. SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: Ages. ADAMA: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very... helpful... APOLLO: Look, can you tell us wh-- [boom] ADAMA: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh-- CROFT: A what... ? ADAMA: A g--, a g-- CROFT: A Grrrrrrrrrail?! ADAMA: Yes, I think so. WARRIORS: Yes, that's it. Yes. CROFT: Yes! WARRIORS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine. [boom pweeng boom boom] ADAMA: Look, you're a busy man, uh-- CROFT: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail. WARRIORS: Oh, thank you. CROFT: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Caerbannorg -- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedweer of Rheged [boom] make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grrrrrrail. ADAMA: Where could we find this cave, O Grid Rat? CROFT: Follow! But- follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four-fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave warriors, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth. [makes rather bizarre pointy-toothed face and motions with hand like a big claw] ADAMA: (aside) What an eccentric performance! Scene 21: Near the Cave of Caerbannog... [clop clop whinny] APOLLO: The equines are nervous, Commander. ADAMA: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount! [Warriors lift one leg as if dismounting. Men holding coconuts stay behind] CROFT: [pointing] Behold the cave of Caerbannog! ADAMA: Right! Keep me covered. APOLLO: What with? ADAMA: Just keep me covered. CROFT: Too late! [dramatic chord] ADAMA: What? CROFT: There he is! ADAMA: Where? CROFT: There! [gestures emphatically] ADAMA: What, behind the rabbit? CROFT: It is the rabbit! ADAMA: You silly sod! You got us all worked up! CROFT: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: You tit! I soiled my uniform, I was so scared! CROFT: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a parsec wide, it's a killer! APOLLO: Get stuffed!!! CROFT: It'll do you up a treat, mate! [shakes his finger at Apollo] APOLLO: Oh yeah?! SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: You mangy Boray's git! CROFT: I'm warning you! SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: What's he do, nibble your astrum? CROFT: [excited] He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones! [gestures at the piles of clean, white bones surrounding the fluffy little white bunny] ADAMA: Go on, Lomas. Blast his head off! LOMAS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up! CROFT: Look! [Squeak!!!!!!!!! The rabbit leaps for Lomas' throat and gnaws his head off, leaving a bloody stump] LOMAS: Aaaugh! [dramatic chord] ADAMA: Jesus Christ! TIGH: Who's he? Oh, is that the new cadet with the robe who keeps wandering all over the ship pardoning everyone? ADAMA: Oops, sorry. Slipped out of character there for a minute... I mean micron! Centon! Whatever it is I mean! Damned special effects department... CROFT: I warned you! SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: I done it again! CROFT: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always-- ADAMA: Oh, shut up! CROFT: --But do they listen to me?-- [continues to rant] ADAMA: Right! CROFT: -Oh, no-- WARRIORS: Charge! [Squeak!!!!!! Squeak!!!!!!! Leaps at the warriors' throats] WARRIORS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc. WARRIORS: Run away! Run away! CROFT: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw. ADAMA: Right. Damage report- how many did we lose? STARBUCK: Tasha... APOLLO: Yar... ADAMA: And Lomas... That's five. APOLLO: Three, Sir. ADAMA: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's solenite. SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? ADAMA: Oh, shut up and go and change your uniform. [Reese sulks away] APOLLO: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake. ADAMA: Like what? APOLLO: Well... STARBUCK: Have we got solenite? ADAMA: No. STARBUCK: We have the Holy Hand Grenade. ADAMA: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Kobol! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Chameleon carries with him! Brother Chameleon! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! [angelic singing] STARBUCK: [whispering to Chameleon] What? You're no monk! You dealing in the illegal trade of holy relics, now? Where did you pick up this piece of felgercarb? CHAMELEON: My dear boy, I may not look like a holy brother, but I am as devout and pious as the next man. Uh, as long as it turns a profit... ADAMA: How does it, uh... how does it work? STARBUCK: I don't know, Commander. ADAMA: Consult the Book of The Word- Armaments, Chapter Two. CHAMELEON: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One. [motions to acolyte to read] BROTHER: "And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --" CHAMELEON: Skip a bit, Brother. BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Kobol towards thou foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'" CHAMELEON: Amen. ALL: Amen. ADAMA: Right! One... two... five! APOLLO: Three, Sir! ADAMA: Three! [Throws grenade- BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!] [police are seen interviewing the Historian's widow and conducting their investigation] Scene 22: Inside the Cave of Caerbannog ADAMA: There!! Look!! STARBUCK: What does it say? APOLLO: What language is that? ADAMA: Brother Chameleon, you're our scholar! CHAMELEON: It's Aramaic! APOLLO: Of course! Joseph of Arimathea! STARBUCK: [muttering to himself] Aramaic, my pogees! I'll bet he's 'ara-'making it up as he goes along. ADAMA: What? STARBUCK: Oh, nothing, Sir. Just wondering about the price of mushies on the free market exchange today... ADAMA: Right. [To Brother Chameleon] What does it say? CHAMELEON: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of uuggggggh'. ADAMA: What? CHAMELEON: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'. TIGH: What is that? CHAMELEON: He must have died while carving it. STARBUCK: Oh, come on! CHAMELEON: Well, that's what it says. ADAMA: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd just say it! CHAMELEON: Well, that's what's carved in the rock! APOLLO: Perhaps he was dictating. ADAMA: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else? CHAMELEON: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'. STARBUCK: Aauuggghhh. ADAMA: Aaauuuuuugggghhhhhh TIGH: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh? APOLLO: Where's that? TIGH: Two quadrants back, I think. STARBUCK: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall? ADAMA: No, that's Saint Ives. STARBUCK: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives. SEVERAL: Iiiiives. TIGH: Oooohoohohooo! STARBUCK: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh. TIGH: No, no, no, oooooooh, in 'surprise and alarm'. STARBUCK: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh! TIGH: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh! ADAMA: Ooooh!! APOLLO: My God!! [ROAR!!!!!! Animated, cardboard cutout monster appears] CHAMELEON: It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh! [Brother Chameleon gets eaten] ADAMA: Run away! ALL: Run away! Run away! [ROAR!!!!!!!] NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Adama and his warriors seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [ulk] The cartoon peril was no more. The Quest for Holy Grail could continue. [police are seen beginning a hot pursuit] Scene 23: At the Bridge of Death! ADAMA: There it is! The Bridge of Death! SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: Oh, great. ADAMA: Look!! There's the old man from Scene 12! TIGH: What is he doing here? STARBUCK: He looks familiar... ADAMA: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions-- APOLLO: Three questions... ADAMA: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- APOLLO: Three Questions ADAMA: Three questions may cross in safety. STARBUCK: He looks kinda shifty... SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: What if you get a question wrong? ADAMA: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: Oh, I won't go. STARBUCK: He looks kinda like Count Iblis on a bad-hair day! APOLLO: Who's going to answer the questions? ADAMA: Security Sergeant Reese! SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: Yes? ADAMA: Brave Sir Security Sergeant Reese, you go. SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Starbuck go? STARBUCK: Yes, let me go, Commander. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east-- ADAMA: No, no, hang on, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five questions-- APOLLO: Three questions... ADAMA: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray. STARBUCK: I understand, Commander. ADAMA: Good luck, brave Lieutenant. God be with you. COUNT IBLIS: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. STARBUCK: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid. COUNT IBLIS: What is your name? STARBUCK: My name is Lieutenant Starbuck of the Battlestar Galactica. COUNT IBLIS: What is your quest? STARBUCK: To seek the Holy Grail. COUNT IBLIS: What is your favorite color? STARBUCK: Blue. COUNT IBLIS: Right. Off you go. STARBUCK: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: That's easy! [runs forward to take his turn] COUNT IBLIS: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid. COUNT IBLIS: What is your name? SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: Sergeant Reese of Council Security. COUNT IBLIS: What is your quest? SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: To seek the Holy Grail. COUNT IBLIS: What is the capital of Assyria? SECURITY SERGEANT REESE: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [flies over handrail into the Gorge of Eternal Peril] COUNT IBLIS: Stop! What is your name? APOLLO: Apollo, Strike Captain Apollo. You must be Count Iblis. COUNT IBLIS: What is your quest? APOLLO: I seek the Grail. COUNT IBLIS: What is your favorite color? APOLLO: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh! [flies over handrail into the Gorge of Eternal Peril] COUNT IBLIS: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name? ADAMA: It is Adama, Commander of the Rag Tag Fleet. COUNT IBLIS: What is your quest? ADAMA: To seek the Holy Grail. COUNT IBLIS: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? ADAMA: What do you mean? An Aquarian or Caprican swallow? COUNT IBLIS: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [flies over handrail into the Gorge of Eternal Peril] TIGH: How do know so much about swallows? ADAMA: Well, you have to know these things when you're a commander you know. Scene 24: Beyond the Gorge of Eternal Peril. Wandering in The Mist. Lost. Of Course. ADAMA: Starbuck! Starbuck! Starbuck! TIGH: Starbuck! Starbuck! [Starbuck is seen elsewhere being led away in shackles by armed police officers, while the Historian's widow points and cries] ADAMA: Starbuck! Starbuck! TIGH: Starbuck! Starbuck! [angels singing, grail-shaped light appears over castle in the mist] ADAMA: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy- [Twong! Baaaa!!!!!!!! Sheep flies overhead] ADAMA: Jesus Christ! TIGH: Can't you stay in character?! We're almost finished! GUARD: 'Allo, daffy-Colonial-warriors-and-Monsieur-Adama-Commander, who-has-the-brain-of-a-duck, you-know! So, we-Francais-Cylonnais- out-wit-you-a-second-time! ADAMA: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Lords of Kobol, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us! GUARD: How-you-Colonials-say, I-one-more-time-a-unclog-my-nose-in- your-direction, sons-of-a-window-dresser! So, you-think-you-could- out-clever-us-Cylon-folk-with-your-silly-knees-bent-running-about- in-dancing-behavior! I-wave-my-private-parts-at-your-aunties,... you-cheesy-lot-of-second-hand-electric-donkey-bottom-biters. ADAMA: In the name of the Lords of Kobol, we demand entrance to this sacred castle! GUARD: No-chance, Colonial-bedwetting-types. I-scrape-my-rust-at-you- and-call-your-door-opening-request-a-silly-thing. You-tiny-brained- wipers-of-other-people's-bottoms! ADAMA: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [oily Cylon waste splats down upon them] ADAMA: In the name of God and the glory of our-- [splat] ADAMA: Right! That settles it! [turns and trots off] GUARD: Yes, depart-a-lot-at-this-time-and-cut-the-approaching-any- more-or-we-fire-mammals-at-the-tops-of-your-heads-and-make-castanets- out-of-your-pogees-already! Ha-ha! ADAMA: Walk away. Just ignore them. GUARD: And-now-remain-gone-illegitimate-faced-buggerfolk! And-if-you- think-you-got-nasty-taunting-this-time, you-ain't-heard-nothing-yet! Daffy-Colonial-warriors! Thpppt! ADAMA: We shall attack at once! TIGH: Yes, Comander! ADAMA: Standby for attack! [massive troops gather from out of nowhere] ADAMA: Francais Cylonnais! Today the blood of many a valiant warrior shall be avenged. In the name of God we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen. Charge!!!! TROOPS: Charge!!!!!!!!! [sirens blare] [police cars arrive] [attack degenerates into confused milling about] HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure. INSPECTOR: Come on. Anybody armed must go too. [police arrest everyone in sight] OFFICER #1: All right. Come on. Back. HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Get that one. [points at Adama] OFFICER #1: Back. Right away. Come on. Come along. INSPECTOR: Put this man in the van. OFFICER #1: Clear off. Come on. TIGH: With whom? INSPECTOR: Which one? OFFICER #1: Oh-- this one. INSPECTOR: Come on. Put him in the van. OFFICER #2: Get a blanket. OFFICER #1: We have no hospital. GATHERED CROWD: Ahh. GATHERED CROWD: Ooh. OFFICER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on! [moves crowd back behind police tape barricade] OFFICER #2: Run along! Run along! OFFICER #1: Take that off 'im. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is. [points at landram steering wheel] OFFICER #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along. INSPECTOR: Everything? OFFICER #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in. [policeman's hand looms over the camera lens- crash!!!!!] CAMERAMAN: Christ! *Finis*