Battlestar Galactica: Connections
VS 5, Episode #10
By Eric Paddon
(Special thanks to Vance)

Prologue

     "Welcome back to the IFB's continuing coverage of Referendum Day. 
Where the people of the Fleet decide the question of our future.  Do we
continue with the journey to Earth we have followed for the last three
yahrens?  Or do we turn back and join the Battlestar Pegasus in the fight
to aid the Resistance movement in the Colonies?  For nearly two sectars,
since we learned of both the Pegasus' survival and the existence of the
Resistance movement, that question has been on the minds of many
throughout the Fleet.  And tonight, that question has been answered. 
With all ships in the Fleet reporting the vote totals of the eligible
population, the final votes show by a margin of nearly four to one, a
clear victory for moving forward."
     Zara then turned to face the man seated next to her in the IFB
Studio.
     "We are honored this evening to have with us, Sire Anton of Gemon,
former aide to the late President Adar, and former member of the Council
of Twelve to offer his thoughts and analysis on why the vote turned out
this way.  Sire Anton, are you surprised by the final margin that shows
close to 80% in favor of continuing to Earth?"
     Anton, known for his perpetually genial disposition, was living up
to it, "Well, Zara.....thank you for indulging my thoughts on this
subject.  I admit, I expected the Referendum to go decisively for
continuing, but.....the margin is indeed much higher than all your polls
seemed to indicate it would."
     "That is true.  Since the Council approved the Referendum resolution
five sectans ago, the consensus suggested  the 'Turn Back' movement would
likely gain as much as one-third of the final vote.  But as you can see
on our board, they are only drawing one-fifth.  What do you suppose
accounts for that?"
     "Oh, I can only speculate, Zara, but......I would imagine that
Professor Ila's message to the people certainly made an impact.  When you
have the most significant figure associated with the Resistance itself
saying that our best interest lies in continuing to Earth, that can't be
dismissed lightly.  Especially when she, as Commander Adama's wife, knows
full well the ramifications that means to herself.  When people see
that......it makes it easier to look past the potential personal benefits
of family reunification and see events through a more practical lens."
     "You don't think the Turn Back movement was harmed by the scandal
involving Siress Lydia?"
     "I doubt that made any impact at all, Zara.  The people I think,
understand and accept that her actions were entirely rooted in the
pursuit of personal power in which the Turn Back movement was merely a
means to an end.  Sire Xaviar waged his campaign entirely on matters of
principle and the people in turn judged his arguments strictly on their
merits."
     "What about the impact of the recent Earth transmission that was
picked up on the old gamma frequency just five cycles before the
Referendum?"
     "Ah yes," the smile and twinkle in Anton's visage grew, "That, I am
sure was an unexpected dividend to Commander Adama's side.  While we are
certainly accustomed to the presence of Earth natives in our ranks and
have learned so much about Earth, and have been told that Earth is not as
far away as it first seemed to us three yahrens ago, this transmission
offered a tangible reminder that we *are* getting closer to her and that
to continue does not mean waiting an entire generation or more for the
day of arrival."
     "Let's now show our viewers a brief excerpt of that transmission
that was picked up."
     The IFB monitor now showed a fuzzy looking video signal.  It
depicted a man seated behind a desk, looking somewhat somber as he
delivered a speech.
     "Accordingly......I shall resign the Presidency, effective at noon
tomorrow."
     The cut back to Zara.  "This signal was verified to be of Earth
origin by Commander Kevin Byrne, captain of the Constellation, as he
explained in this interview with me last sectan."
     "It was a tragic period in my country's history.  The first time a
President of the United States of America was forced to resign from
office because of a political scandal."
     "How long ago was this event in relation to when you originally left
Earth?"
     "Well over four decades earlier."
     Now a cut back to the IFB anchor again, "According to Dr. Wilker,
Chief of the Electronics Division, the time element of how long ago the
signal was made, placed in relation to where the Fleet is
now......reveals a promising answer for how much longer the journey to
Earth would be, if we were to continue."
     And now a brief clip of Wilker, as he'd been interviewed in his lab
aboard the Galactica.  Zara recalled how Wilker had taken so long to
answer the questions that it required centars of editing to get the
interview done to something manageable for ordinary person to follow. 
This clip would contain only the most important soundbite of the entire
interview.
     "There's no question that this transmission confirms what Risik
astronomical data already suggested.  The Fleet's proximity to Earth can
be measured as less than five yahrens of actual flight time, perhaps as
little as two or three."  
     Zara turned once again to the elderly ex-Council member, "Sire
Anton, notwithstanding the landslide margin of this referendum, twenty
percent of the population still constitutes well over 14,000 people in
the Fleet.  Do you have any concern that the decision to continue won't
be accepted by those who wanted to see us turn back?"
     "Well, I would hope those who felt otherwise on this issue are
willing to be respectful of what we as a people have decided," the smile
was no longer on Anton's face, revealing the seriousness with which he
regarded this matter.  "What I think needs to be stressed to them as we
move forward that a decision not to turn back does not mean we are
abandoning our brothers and sisters who are fighting the good fight to
free the Colonies from Cylon rule.  We will always be with them in their
journey, just as they will be in ours."
     "Thank you, Sire Anton.  And now......I am told that Commander Adama
is ready to speak to the people about the results of the Referendum.  So
now, through the IFB and Fleet Unicom, we take you to Commander Adama
aboard the Galactica."


     The scene now shifted to Adama's quarters.  He was seated behind his
desk in full dress uniform and cape..  To his left was Sire Xaviar.  The
Council's new Vice-President, who had been the leader of the Turn Back
movement had a dignified look and quality that didn't indicate his side
had just suffered an enormous beating.  
     "People of the Fleet," Adama began, "Today marks the conclusion of
an historic day in which you, through the noble tradition of exercising
your right to vote in accordance with the standards of Colonial
tradition, have reaffirmed what our future as a people will be.  The
completion of our journey to the Thirteenth Colony of mankind on the
planet Earth.
     "It is understandable that recent events concerning the Battlestar
Pegasus and news of the Resistance activities in our former home worlds
prompted many of us to step back and reassess our future and whether
continuing to Earth was right for us.  Such a debate and discussion was
necessary.  And I am proud to say that what ensued these last five
sectans since the Referendum date was set, was a debate that remained
rooted in ideas, and not personalities.  In which regardless of what side
of the debate we favored, we understood there were no villains in this
contest.  Only people of good will and integrity who felt strongly over
matters of deeply held principle."
     Adama turned to his left, "Sire Xaviar, as Vice President of the
Council of Twelve, has been the most articulate champion of the so-called
'Turn Back' position.  Throughout this campaign leading up today's final
vote, he has behaved with honor and integrity.  I salute him and his
supporters for making us study this question of what our future should be
in-depth.  And I also give my word to all who have supported him, that
your concerns will not be ignored even as we continue to move forward in
the journey to Earth.  For we must remain one people, united in purpose,
and sensitive to the concerns raised by the losing side if we are to
remain united in purpose.  And now......Sire Xaviar will speak further to
this issue."
     Xaviar bowed his head respectfully and began to speak.  There was no
sign of bitterness whatsoever in his voice.
     "Thank you, Commander Adama.  And thank you, to all who felt
strongly about this issue that you exercised your sacred right of vote to
express your feelings.  We have demonstrated as a people what it is that
has given us the right to declare ourselves superior to our enemies of
the past.  Whether they be the forces responsible for the Destruction of
our Civilization, or more recent adversaries such as the Ziklagi and
Risik.  We are committed to the belief that our destiny is not to be
dictated to us, but to reflect the expression of our free will as as a
people.  Tonight.....the majority has spoken, and it is incumbent on us
all to accept that result, regardless of how strongly we have felt on
this matter.  The time for debate has passed and we, who voted against
continuing to Earth, must respect that.  I know that for many who have
felt as strongly as I have about turning back to aid the Resistance, it
will not be easy to put aside negative feelings.  Some of you will we see
tonight's vote as a betrayal of our loved ones who have spent the last
two yahrens fighting the good fight.  Some of you will see it as a missed
opportunity to recover our homes.  But as one who championed your cause
in this Referendum, I call upon you to put these feelings aside.  Not out
of any mere political expedience that the will of the majority must be
respected, but because I and Commander Adama, who have been on opposite
sides of this debate, can offer you total assurance that your negative
emotions are unjustified.  Continuing to Earth does not mean abandoning
our brothers and sisters who are fighting for freedom and liberation. 
Our communications with the Pegasus will one day extend to the Colonies,
and when that linkage is established we will be able to interact with
them as easily as we can interact with each other in this Fleet.  We will
draw from our insights and experiences to provide them with help and
expertise where it can make a difference.......and one day, when they
have succeeded in liberating our homes, and we have established ourselves
on Earth.......the first step toward permanent reunification of the
Thirteen Tribes of Kobol will have taken place.  We must now look to how
continuing to Earth will in the end, do just as much for our loved ones
in the Colonies as if we were fighting alongside them."
     The camera now came back to Adama.
     "Thank you, Sire Xaviar.  Your graciousness in defeat and your call
for unity is in the finest traditions of statesmanship Colonial society
has ever known.  I am honored to have a man of your integrity serving as
Vice President of the Council of Twelve, and your insights and advice
will serve us well as we journey into our future.
     "As a final note of reassurance to those who voted to Turn Back out
of concern for knowledge of your loved ones and friends who may be alive
in the Colonies, I am pleased to make this announcement.  Professor Ila
is preparing a complete list of all people who are part of the Resistance
movements that she is personally aware of, as well as what she knows of
their backgrounds.  This will include all who are known to be based on
Caprica, as well as the prominent leaders of Resistance factions on the
other planets.  Upon receipt of this list, all names will be
cross-checked with those in the Fleet data base to see if there are
potential connections.  Colonial Security will be in touch with those for
whom the possibility of a connection can be established.  This will be
done with the highest level of priority to try to answer questions that
fill your hearts.  And it will be our way of assuring you once again,
that even as we complete our journey to the Thirteenth Colony.......the
original Twelve will never be forgotten."

Chapter One

     "Can you hear me, Sergeant?"
     The glazed eyes didn't blink.  The glazed expression didn't change. 
The head made no movement.  An untrained person would have taken one look
at him and assumed he was dead.  But the life monitors said otherwise. 
Respiration normal.  Heartbeat normal.  Bodily functions normal as his
nutrition needs were taken care of intravenously while a catheter device
handled all matters of bodily waste.
     Yet for nearly a yahren he'd said not a word or moved a muscle. 
Totally uncomprehending to the world around him.  As though he preferred
to be lost in a private world of his own making.
     Why do I even bother?  Dr. Tarnia sighed.  Nothing changes with him. 
No matter what I say.  No matter what we do.
     But she knew she had to keep persevering with him, just like with
all the other patients who were forced to reside in Hospital Ship #2. 
Known unofficially as "The Nuthouse" to the Colonial rank-and-file.  This
was where patients who were judged mentally unstable were brought, to be
kept in isolation from the rest of the Fleet because it was felt that to
have them mixed with the regular patient population in the various Life
Stations throughout the Fleet, whether they be on the Galactica or
anywhere else, was simply bad for morale.  The rank-and-file didn't like
to be reminded of those who were seemingly beyond all hope.  Far better
to think of them as if they were removed and kept in a place where the
masses could go on with their lives and pretend as though these people
didn't exist any longer.
     But they weren't dead.  They lived.  And a team of qualified
med-techs always took care of their needs to insure their bodies kept
living.  The problem was there were no true specialists in the areas that
could provide them with direct help to get at the root of their problems.
     Tarnia was the Fleet's lone specialist in the field of psychological
counseling.  But that wasn't the same as being a specialist in the more
technical field of psychiatric medicine.  She could study and treat
people who suffered from mental afflictions but she had no expertise in
terms of what specific medicines could be provided that could address the
organic causes of such illnesses.  That was the kind of specialist the
Fleet lacked.  It was a specialized area of study, one so special that
not one of the 70,000 survivors of the Fleet had that kind of training. 
It was a miracle enough that she, a psychological counselor, had been
among the survivors.
     Textbooks on psychiatric medicine and the drugs used to treat such
cases still existed.  If Tarnia had the time, she would have trained
herself to rise to that next level, but her duties were too overwhelming
as it was.  Providing counsel sessions to the people of the Fleet and the
Earth natives who had so many problems they always wanted to unburden to
someone in private.  Keeping up with special cases of interest to her
like Copernicus, who had been her patient before the Destruction on
Sagittaria and whom she'd risked her life to save.  And so much else. 
Even though Tarnia was still an attractive woman, she had no time in her
life for social relationships of her own.  Let alone the time needed to
move to another level of expertise.
     The man lying before her, Sergeant Mattoon, was someone who'd
baffled her for many sectars now.  A yahren ago, Mattoon had been a fine
viper pilot with an easygoing disposition.  And then.....his mind had
snapped because of the sudden and unexpected Detente with Baltar and the
Cylons of his baseship.  Like many warriors, the idea of working
alongside Cylons and accepting Baltar as a permanent ally who had
received a full pardon for past crimes, was anathema to Sergeant Mattoon. 
He was a survivor of the Battlestar Solaria who had not only lost all of
his crewmates when his ship was destroyed, but he'd also lost a wife and
child as well.  For Sergeant Mattoon, the idea of any kind of peace with
the demons responsible for destroying the neatly ordered plans of his
life was unacceptable and disgraceful.
     And so.....Mattoon had chosen to act.  By attempting to restart
hostilities all by himself.  Which had culminated with the taking of a
hostage and a threat to blow up the solium storage room of the Galactica
unless the Detente was broken.  Only the actions of Apollo and Starbuck
had stopped Mattoon......but in apprehending him, the Sergeant's mental
collapse accelerated further in that he'd gone into a total catatonic
state.  And ever since, he'd been quietly locked away aboard Hospital
Ship #2 as a sobering reminder to his fellow warriors of what could
happen if bitterness and anger over the Detente went to a dangerous
extreme.  In an ironic way, Mattoon's breakdown had done much to defuse
further open hostility among warriors about the Detente and whether it
constituted a surrender of principles.  With Tarnia making herself
available to warriors so they could "vent", they were able to find relief
and catharsis in ways that Sergeant Mattoon had been unable to find.
     But while the general problem of warrior resentment over the Detente
had largely faded, as warriors learned to work alongside their Cylon
colleagues (it tended to linger only in regards to Baltar) the matter of
Sergeant Mattoon remained an unresolved case.  Life for the Fleet had
changed in a yahren, but Mattoon was still the same.  Unresponsive. 
Silent.  Catatonic.  Unable to perform even the slightest function on his
own that the living were expected to do.
     For Tarnia though, the question was whether Mattoon was
unable......or just unwilling.
     Were she a psychiatrist and not a psychologist, she would know
something about experimental drugs that were used in the treatment of
such catatonic patients.  But that was never her field.  Hers was rooted
in "talk therapy" and other practices that separated the psychologist
from the psychiatrist.  But even if she were expert in those areas, there
was another problem.  The experimental drugs she knew had been used in
the psychiatric field simply didn't exist in the Fleet any longer.  It
would require recreating them from the natural resources of the plants
they passed along the way.  Because she wasn't an expert in pharmacology,
she couldn't begin to guess what resources would be necessary.  And
because the gathering of such resources would only at most impact the
lives of a select few, neither Adama nor the Council was inclined to
authorize risking lives in a landing party mission solely to find such
obscure resources.
     If it was a case of Mattoon being unable to respond, then he would
have needed such drugs to begin the recovery process.  And he would have
been without any realistic level of hope because of the obstacles to
getting them.  But.....if he were merely unwilling.  If his catatonic
condition was the result of a conscious decision to withdraw himself and
retreat into his own private little world.......then there was still
hope.  Hope that somehow, someday, there could be a piercing of that wall
and the breaking down of the resistance.
     The only problem.....Tarnia wasn't sure which it was.
     "Can you hear me, Sergeant?"
     Just like there'd been for the last yahren, there was no response. 
Which meant she wouldn't learn the answer today.  And so, all Tarnia
could do was sigh and walk away.


     The next place Tarnia went to was the merchant ship Pathmain so she
could check up on Copernicus, who was the most important person in the
whole Fleet to her.  She knew the gifted, but emotionally sensitive and
troubled man had recently gone through something of a catharsis when he'd
been compelled to reveal the details about friends of his, Miranda and
Meshach, who had been part of a "hacker group" and how they had been
unwittingly used by those involved in the conspiracy that led to the
sabotage of the Colonial Defense Network on the night of the Destruction,
allowing the Cylon attack to proceed unimpeded.  And how another friend
and fellow member of the "hacker group", living in anonymity in the Fleet
under a name different from his real one, had likely been responsible for
the outbreak of a computer virus that had nearly crippled the Galactica.
     To Tarnia's relief, Copernicus seemed over that now.  She'd noticed
how the troubled prodigy had a way of learning to accept the new
realities of life so long as the comfortable, secure world he'd found for
himself aboard the Pathmain remained intact.  Where he could spend his
days doing what he enjoyed without being a target of scrutiny or feel as
if the weight of the universe was being placed on his shoulders.  And
above all, where he could feel secure that Tarnia, his mentor, teacher
and the one person he felt closest to, was still pleased with him.
     So close was the bond they'd shared for so many yahrens that it was
impossible for even one so clinically professional as Tarnia was, to
avoid wondering if Copernicus harbored feelings for her that went beyond
that of student to teacher.  The young man's history basically made it
impossible for him to express himself that way to anyone.  Not that he
was awkward in the mere presence of women.  If they shared his passion
for electronics and gaming, like Miranda did, he could be quite
comfortable around them.  But when it came to matters rooted in emotional
feeling......that was something Copernicus still seemed incapable of. 
Except when he was in her presence and she was there to counsel and
encourage him just as she'd done for over eight yahrens now.
     As for Tarnia......she was well-versed in the canon of ethics that
no counselor could ever let herself become emotionally involved with any
patient.  She knew that professionally she would never do anything to
take advantage of Copernicus.  But that didn't mean there wouldn't be
moments in her life when she'd wonder......especially when her own busy
life was totally devoid of any kind of social life for herself.
     Today though, wasn't a day where one of those moments had intruded. 
She'd had a pleasant lunch with Copernicus and then returned to her
office on the main Hospital Ship, which was where she provided counsel
sessions to those not serving aboard the Galactica (who met her in a
separate office she maintained on the battlestar).  That included the
Earth natives living on the Constellation or the Adelaide.  Throughout
the period leading up to the recent Referendum,  she'd had sessions with
several of them.  Listening to their troubled thoughts about the rise of
the "Turn Back" movement, as well as hearing some of them vent about the
recent scandal involving Siress Lydia, and her attempt to frame Airman
Brandon Reynolds in a staged assassination attempt of Sire Xaviar.  The
fact that Lydia had mysteriously disappeared without a trace was
irrelevant to those who'd had sessions with Tarnia.  Indeed, they
resented the fact the Siress hadn't been apprehended and faced Tribunal
for her actions.  And some also in their hearts continued to feel some
resentment toward Sire Xaviar himself, notwithstanding his graciousness
in defeat and his pledge to respect the decision to continue to Earth.
     In each of these cases, Tarnia didn't see anything that represented
a cause for alarm.  To her, it was simply the Earthers finding their own
moments to "vent", much as the warriors had needed it a yahren ago in
response to the Detente. 
     Because that had been the norm for her with Earth patients, she
expected more of the same when Sergeant Lauren Wagner of the
Constellation arrived for her first scheduled session.  Remembering the
Sergeant's fiery temper regarding the Risk and the horror of what she had
endured as their prisoner, she expected to hear her unleash a similar
torrent of negative emotions about Sire Xaviar.  
     But to Tarnia's surprise, Wagner wanted to talk to her about
something else entirely. 
     "I'm going through something of a dilemma right now, Doctor," the
Air Force Sergeant said.  Like many patients, her eyes were instinctively
trained more towards the floor than towards the counselor.
     "What kind of a dilemma, Lauren?"
     She sighed, "Lieutenant Castor and I have become.....serious.  Very
serious."
     "You're in love?"
     "Yes," Lauren said without hesitation though her eyes were still
aimed at the floor.  "I think he's the most wonderful man I've ever met
in my life.  And.....that wasn't easy for me to acknowledge at first,
because I was seriously involved with a man back home when I
was.....taken by those goddamned Risik monsters."
     "What kind of a man was he?" Tarnia asked.
     She was slightly surprised by the question but didn't object to it,
"Well.....his name was Kevin McManus.  He was in law enforcement in my
home state, just like I was.  We had a lot in common and we um....." her
voice grew awkward, "We were living together at the time."
     "I'm not here to judge that kind of relationship, Lauren," Tarnia
said gently.  "Go on."
     "Well.....I always felt we'd be married some day.  It was one of
those relationships based on having so much in common because he'd served
in the military too.  We weren't engaged, but......that was because we
always felt we'd have plenty of time to get around to it."
     The psychologist nodded, "But you're over that, now?"
     "Oh, yes.  Once I had to accept the reality that when we come home
to Earth, it's going to be......who knows how many years since I was
taken.  I'm certainly enough of a realist to know that Kevin is either
dead or a very old man now who probably learned to move on from me.  I
can't cling to something or someone who isn't going to be there for me
any longer.  That's why.....what I have with Castor is very special to me
now.  I love him.  And....when we reach Earth, I want to be with him for
the rest of my life."
     "Then what's your problem, Lauren?"
     Lauren finally looked at her, "The problem, Doctor......is that I'm
afraid he'll ask me to marry him, now.  And if he did that......I
wouldn't be able to say yes."
     The psychologist lifted an eyebrow, "Why not?"
     She sighed regretfully, "Because.....I'd have to move in with him on
the Galactica.  And.....I can't do that.  I can't let go of what I've got
on the Constellation because that's been the key to why I've kept my
sanity since I was freed from that torture chamber.  I need to *be* with
people who come from Earth and speak the same language and know the same
history and the same culture and the same......things I'm familiar with. 
Without that kind of support group......I'd be lost."
     "I see," Tarnia noted, "And.....Castor would never want to transfer
to the Constellation?"
     "I'd never think of making him do that.  Castor's one of the most
important people on the Galactica as Chief of Colonial Security.  It'd be
wrong to make him give that up, because he's damned good at that job. 
Just like he's damned good in Elite Squadron."
     She knew she had to delicately probe some more, "How much time do
you actually spend with him?"
     Lauren smiled in a way that was both mischievous and blushing all at
once.  "At least two, three times a week.  And when I had my week of
detached duty on the Galactica, it was more like a beautiful vacation
getting to work with him every day and spend every night with him. 
He.....loved how I looked in a Colonial uniform."  The smile then faded. 
"But......to be there permanently, would be something else.  It would
mean cutting myself off from Amy and Jess and everyone else I've grown
close to.  I need that contact with them as part of my daily routine.  If
I had to let go of it......I'd grow miserable and restless after awhile,
and then before you'd know it, my relationship with Castor would be
ruined.  What we have......it's something that has to wait until we reach
Earth before I'd be ready to say yes."
     "Doesn't he understand that?"
     "He says he does," she was looking at the floor again.  "But I know
he wishes I'd say yes to him now.  And maybe he'll get impatient and not
want to wait for us to reach Earth, and that would mean......we'd be
finished," she shook her head, "I don't want to be finished with him."
     "We're not as far from Earth as we used to think we were," Tarnia
pointed out, "You heard Dr. Wilker's report on that Earth transmission we
picked up.  It practically confirms we're only two yahrens or so away."
     "I know," Lauren nodded, "But a lot can happen in two yahrens. 
Castor might......get impatient and force the issue when I'm not ready
for that.  Especially if it turned out that we *won't* reach Earth in two
years."
     Tarnia put her hand under her chin, "You were saying earlier that
you never had any doubt the people would vote to continue in the
Referendum."
     "Yes," she tried not to look puzzled by the question since she knew
there was a reason behind it.  "I just had the sense from the beginning
the people were on our side."
     "If you were so confident about how the people would vote, then how
come you're not confident Castor will wait until we reach Earth?"
     She sighed again, "It's because of the things that make me love him
so much.  He's so sweet and gentle under that tough warrior exterior. 
And.....I think the idea of being in such a long-term relationship
without being married isn't the sort of thing that would make him happy. 
For now, he's okay because this is all so new for us and we're learning
how compatible we are in so many ways.  But I just get the feeling  he'll
be less patient about wanting to wait for Earth."
     "But it's only a feeling.  He hasn't given you an ultimatum."
     "No," the USAF Sergeant admitted.  "Maybe I'm just being paranoid
because.....he's everything I want for the rest of my life.  When we
reach Earth, I want to go back to Montana and the big skies.  And I'd
love to be a deputy sheriff again and have Castor working alongside me
since he's great at law enforcement too.  I know he'd fit right in with
my lifestyle.  And if I lost him because he wanted to rush things....."
she trailed off.
     Tarnia shook her head, "Lauren....if you really love him that much,
you need to have faith in him to respect your feelings.  And then you'll
know for sure if he's worth loving.  If he's not willing to wait until
Earth.....then he's not treating you with the respect you deserve."
     She didn't respond but Tarnia could tell from her expression and her
body language that she understood her point.
     "But I would suggest this," the psychologist cautioned, "If he does
start to hint that he'd like to see things happen before we reach Earth,
don't lose your temper with him.  Try to talk things out as gently as
possible and make it clear that you'll say yes to him, if that's really
what you want, when the time is right.  Be gentle with him.  Don't fly
off the handle as if he were your Risik captor."
     Lauren let out a chuckle, "I wouldn't let myself.  In fact, that's
another reason why I love Castor.  Because of him, I don't spend hours at
night lying in bed having flashbacks to what it was like being a Risik
prisoner.  So much of the bitterness is gone from my life now.  And
that..... helped me a good deal when there were others all afraid the
Referendum was going to go the other way.  Thanks to Castor.....I never
had any doubts how it would all turn out."
     "Then count your blessings for what he's brought to your life and
don't worry yourself about losing him," Tarnia said firmly.  "Just keep
enjoying the ride.  Because even if, Lords forbid, it doesn't work out
long-term, you're better off for what you've already had."
     Lauren seemed to relax as she smiled at her, "Thanks, Tarnia."


     Tarnia's next appointment was something of a surprise since it was
someone from the Galactica, who ordinarily wouldn't have come to her on
the Hospital Ship.  It was also someone she had consigned to the realm of
the cured long ago.
     "Hello, Rigel," she said pleasantly.  "What do you want to talk
about?"
     The attractive Bridge Officer had a mildly troubled look on her face
as she seated herself.  "I......had a nightmare the other night, Tarnia. 
It's.....bothering me so much, I couldn't wait for your next open day on
the Galactica.  I needed to see you as soon as I could."
     She was sure she knew what was on her mind but she asked anyway,
"What kind of nightmare?"
     She drew herself up, "About......my being a programmed assassin for
that awful Commander Maris."
     Tarnia sighed.  It was only a little more than a yahren ago that the
event Rigel was talking about had happened, but it seemed more like a
million yahrens ago with everything else that had taken place since then. 
How the former commander of the Colonial Special Forces based on Caprica
had programmed her to act as a would-be assassin of first Athena, and
then indirectly,  Starbuck.  With Athena, it had stemmed from a
pre-Destruction attempt to cover-up what Athena potentially knew about
Maris's activities that included brainwashing warriors in his Special
Force unit with performance enhancement drugs that robbed them of their
personalities so they could act like programmed assassins.  The fact that
it would kill potentially many warriors in the process had mattered
little to Maris.  But when Athena had accidentally discovered the story
it had put her at risk.  Even though Maris had seen to it that Athena had
herself been programmed to forget what she'd seen, the ruthless Commander
of Special Forces was not a risk taker.  He had seen to it that a new
member of the Galactica Bridge Crew be subjected to programming herself
and be in position to kill Athena if she should ever happen to remember
the details of what she knew about Maris's operation.  The unwitting mole
had been young Flight Corporal Rigel, newly transferred from the
Battlestar Rycon to the Galactica just prior to the Destruction. 
     Exactly how Rigel had found herself in a position to be "programmed"
by Maris was something that to this day still wasn't known.  The only
reason why Rigel had been found out stemmed from her actions that had
nearly contributed to Starbuck being killed.  The unwitting deletion of a
flight plan Starbuck had filed  which was designed to aid Maris in his
efforts to dispose of Starbuck.  Like Athena, Starbuck deep inside him
"knew too much" about what Maris had done as Special Forces Commander and
was a target for disposal in the event he ever remembered things.
     Fortunately for Rigel, her actions had not led to tragedy.  There
had never been an actual attempt on Athena's life by her.  And Starbuck
had ultimately survived and the conspiracy surrounding Maris had been
smashed (which had also by total coincidence, overlapped with Sire Uri's
own conspiracy to cover-up his own crimes of treason).  With Dr. Salik's
assistance, Tarnia had helped Rigel undergo hypno-therapy sessions that
had successfully "deprogrammed" her of the unwitting role she had played
in Maris's ruthless conspiracy.  This has been followed by additional
"post-deprogramming" counseling from Tarnia.  At the time, Tarnia had
counseled Rigel that she had nothing to trouble herself about because
none of what happened had been her fault.  Whatever the circumstances had
been that had led to her being "programmed", she did not have to ask what
she could have done differently.  And so for more than a yahren, Tarnia
had considered Rigel cured of any traumatic after-effects of what she'd
discovered.  
     Until now.  As she listened, it was clear the nagging question of
how the programming had taken place, had never left Rigel completely. 
And now, this nightmare about *why* she'd been programmed had reopened
those concerns within her over *how* it had happened.
     "I saw myself in the dream holding my laser pistol pointed at
Athena," the beautiful bridge officer was saying, "And when I woke up, I
was shaking.  Shaking because I knew that *could* have been me if the
opportunity had presented itself and the order been given to me by that
code word Maris placed in me.  And I couldn't get back to sleep
because.....all I could think about was what did I do to put me in that
position?  Who took advantage of me to brainwash me as a would-be
assassin?"
     The psychologist was matter-of-fact, "You know how much time we
spent exploring that when you were under hypno-therapy, Rigel.  Unless
you can remember someone specific you came into contact with when you got
your orders transferring to the Galactica.......it'd be very hard to
address that.  It had to be someone who knew Commander Maris and who had
some affiliation with the Special Forces."
     "But I didn't meet anyone who had a connection with them!" Rigel
protested, "When I received my orders, I was part of a skeleton crew left
on the Rycon because she was in Space Dock for final repairs for the
Armistice Ceremony.  I went from the Rycon down to Caprica and straight
to District Headquarters.  The only person I talked to there was the
Staff Officer.  I don't even remember his name."
     "That's unfortunate," Tarnia leaned back. "It very well could have
been him.  But without hard information, we just can't pin it down."
     "All this time, I thought it really didn't matter," Rigel sighed,
"But then....after the report came down that Colonel Alesis----I mean
Captain Betz, was stepping down as commander of the Century, that seemed
to reopen the whole thing in my mind."
     "That's understandable, given how deeply involved he was in the
whole affair," Tarnia said.  Colonel Alesis had been Maris's deputy in
the Special Forces.  In the wake of the Destruction he had taken the
identity of a dead warrior, Captain Betz, commanding officer of the
Century, to cover up his own involvement in the scandal.  Alesis/Betz had
also shielded Maris's identity as well out of loyalty to his former
commander who was also his uncle.  Ultimately, Alesis had come to
recognize the cover-up had gone too far when he realized that Maris, with
assistance from Sire Uri, had attempted to reactivate the sleeper agents
that still existed in the Fleet for the even more sinister purpose of
trying to overthrow Adama.  And when Starbuck was nearly killed as a
result of this new plot, thanks in part to Rigel's unwitting deletion of
a critical flight plan Starbuck had filed (so that Starbuck would have
presumably just "disappeared")  he finally decided he no longer owed his
uncle and his former commander any further loyalty.  He had turned on
Maris and made a clean breast of things to Adama.
     "I'll never know why he still kept command of the Century for almost
a whole yahren," an edge of bitterness entered the sergeant's voice.
     "It's my understanding he was supposed to give up command of the
Century as part of his original plea agreement but because of all the
upheavals we went through with the Detente, the Otalagim and the Risik,
the Commander delayed replacing him until the military situation had
stabilized," Tarnia said and then added, "I wouldn't feel bitter about
that, Rigel.  It was strictly a military necessity from the Commander's
standpoint."
     Rigel nodded, "You're right, I shouldn't question the Commander
about that, but.....I guess I just can't believe Colonel Alesis didn't
know the details about how I'd been recruited for Maris's operation and
that's why......the whole subject is starting to haunt me again."
     "Colonel Alesis knew your identity, but according to him, it wasn't
his job to select you as a target.  His own deputy, Major Keitel had sole
responsibility for planning those operations. That way, Alesis would
never know the details of how a person was targeted for brainwashing and
how it was carried out.  In the event an assassination did take place,
Alesis and Maris could have total plausible deniability and the killer
could never be traced back to Special Forces."
     "Maybe he held something back," an edge of bitterness crept into
Rigel's voice, but Tarnia was quickly shaking her head.
     "No, Rigel.  Alesis was quite candid about everything once he
decided he'd had enough when it came to shielding his uncle.  He gave a
detailed summary of all aspects of the operation that he had personal
knowledge of.  He had no reason to withhold the details of how or why it
happened to be you that got chosen."
     "Unless he was protecting someone?"
     "He was asked that, point blank and it was made clear this was no
time to protect anyone's reputation any longer.  He understood that. 
That's why he was specific about Major Keitel being the one who planned
your brainwashing."
     "I never met Major Keitel.  You showed me his picture and even under
hypnosis I couldn't remember seeing him," Rigel went on, the bitterness
increasing.
     "That's how complex it was, Rigel.  Keitel planned the operation and
delegated someone to do it, but only he would know who that person was. 
And Alesis was quite emphatic that Keitel was killed in the Destruction. 
That's why the trail is cold as far as who it was that tricked you into
getting brainwashed.  There's nothing more Alesis can tell us."
     The Bridge Officer let out a frustrated sigh.  
     "I thought I'd licked this," she said aloud, almost more to herself
than to the counselor.  "I thought I'd been able to put this whole sad,
sorry thing behind me and accept what you said back then  about how none
of it was my fault.  But.....just at a time when I was *really* starting
to look forward to the future, it has to all start coming back to me
because of all the talk about  the Century getting a new CO. 
And.....that's just not fair."
     "What were you looking forward to, Rigel?" Tarnia decided it was
best she change the subject and explore her psyche further.
     "A lot," she suddenly looked down at the floor and Tarnia realized
it was the same posture she'd seen Lauren assume not too long ago.  "The
idea of Earth being closer makes me think things with Omega will keep
getting better.  He and I have been......seeing a lot of each other, and
I'm not saying we're headed toward something permanent, but......he's the
only man I like to be with.  I've felt that way about him since we
started working together, and I must have spent a yahren giving him
silent signals that I wanted him to ask me out before he finally found
the courage to do it.  He's so shy and laid back by nature, that.....I
think it would take our reaching Earth to finally get him to step things
up."
     "You're in love with him?" she tried not to find it amusing that it
was the second time she'd asked that question of a patient today.  It was
the sort of thing a counselor grew used to dealing with on a regular
basis.  Love and relationships of late were on the minds of so many
people throughout the Fleet.
     Like Lauren before, there was a blushing smile on Rigel's face as
she kept her gaze away from Tarnia, "That word's never passed between us,
because.......like I said, he's so shy by nature and I'd never think of
being aggressive with him because that's not *my* nature.  But he's the
only man on the Galactica I've let myself go out with.  And I want it to
stay that way because I'd rather take my time waiting for him then rush
into something with someone else."
     "Have you told him about what you went through?"
     The smile faded and the concerned look returned, "No, I haven't. 
And I never want to tell him.  But.....if this whole thing goes on, I
guess I'd have to, wouldn't I?"
     "I don't know, Rigel," she said simply, "That would depend on
whether you can be at peace about what happened.  But even if you do
become at peace with it.....you may find that you still have to be honest
with him if you're thinking about a long-term relationship that could be
permanent.  Still, that ultimately has to be your decision."
     Rigel nodded faintly, "And there's nothing I can do
about.....finding out who trapped me into doing Maris's bidding?"
     "There's no point investigating on your own unless you remember more
about your movements doing that period in question.  If you can remember
who you talked to at District Headquarters when you reported for
processing of your new orders, that would help most."
     An air of reluctant acceptance took hold of her, "I guess so."
     "And don't do anything impulsive," Tarnia cautioned.  "Don't try
contacting Captain Betz for instance.  That's not going to help at all
and would just get you into trouble."
     The beautiful brunette shook her head, "I won't.  I don't want to
make or cause trouble about this, Tarnia.  I just.....don't want to have
nightmares anymore.  I don't want to wake up wondering if there's someone
out there who did something to me and who could.....just as easily do
that to me again out of.....revenge for Maris or something like that."
     "Try to relax, Rigel," the counselor smiled and said gently. 
"Just....let yourself enjoy all the things that are going your way in
your life with Omega and everything else.  And maybe.....you'll go to
sleep and wake up and find out that none of this really matters any
longer."
     Rigel managed to smile back at her and nodded.  By the time she'd
left, Tarnia found herself marveling at the similarities between Rigel's
case and Lauren's.  One paranoid about the present.  The other paranoid
about the past.  Both in love with a man they were convinced was the one
they would share the rest of their lives with on Earth.  Both concerned
about the prospect of losing their man because of the things they were
worried and paranoid about.
     God, how I envy them both, Tarnia thought.  
     With the day cycle now over and with it, all of her scheduled
appointments, Tarnia was ready to lie back, relax and enjoy the evening
for herself.  There were other days when she might find herself
overloaded by cases of people complaining about mundane things in life
that could leave her feeling spent and frustrated, and wondering at day's
end if she was in need of someone to counsel herself.  Not today though. 
She was too much in a good mood about things for that.
     But just as she was letting herself start to feel comfortable, her
office telecom buzzed and she knew right away that it could only be Dr.
Paye, the Administrator of Hospital Ship #1 and Deputy Chief Medical
Officer of the Fleet.  
     "Sorry to bother you, Tarnia," he said, "But the Commander needs to
see you on the Galactica immediately."
     With a sigh of resignation, she rose from her chair and prepared for
the journey.

Chapter Two
     
     Commander Adama's day had begun with the news that a new wave of
messages from the Pegasus had arrived and were ready for distribution. 
That included a written text message only from his wife, Ila.  He knew
immediately what it was, since in their last live chat, on the day of the
Referendum, one sectan ago, he'd asked if she could compile a list of
people she knew for a fact were part of the Resistance Movement in the
Colonies.  And then, Adama could begin the process of informing the
friends and relatives of those people, that they were alive.
     Adama knew that beginning this process carried a risk.  Since Ila
had been absent from the Resistance movement for well over ten sectars
now, she could no longer guarantee that every name on the list was still
alive.  And some of these names were not uncommon names throughout the
Colonies and the worst thing that could happen would be for Adama to
notify someone in the Fleet that a loved one was alive in the Colonial
Resistance movement......only for it to be someone who simply shared the
same name.  That was why Adama had asked his wife if she could be as
specific as she could within reason about these people such as their
appearance, their age, and what she knew of their backgrounds.  Ila had
promised to oblige him on that point.  She could certainly furnish
details of upward of a hundred names from her own Resistance faction on
Caprica.  Other names based in the other Colonies were people she knew
largely by reputation only.
     Some of the names he was already aware of before the list's arrival. 
Commander Deval, the leader of the Caprican Resistance faction and the
man who had rescued Ila and her friend Zakiya from the wreckage of an
underground bomb shelter two sectans after Adama and the survivors of the
Exodus had departed the Colonies.  Deval was formerly Lieutenant Deval of
the Battlestar Solaria, one of the other capital ships destroyed in the
Cylon sneak attack at the Battle of Cimtar.  It was the search for his
own family on Caprica that led Deval to bypass landing on the Galactica
like other refugee pilots from other destroyed battlestars had done, and
instead land on Caprica and stay behind.
     Unfortunately, Adama noted as he read further, Deval's search for
his family had not resulted in the happiest of endings.
     "Commander Deval had a wife and daughter who lived somewhere in
District 8 in Caprica City," Ila's report read.  "When he searched for
them, he found his wife buried in wreckage with no trace of his daughter. 
It was because the effort to free his wife required two days of work and
the recruitment of others,  that he paid no heed to the evacuation
warnings broadcast all over Caprica.  By the time his wife was freed, the
last of the evacuation ships had departed and Deval knew from that point
on, his only responsibility was to organize the survivors and continue
the search for more in the wreckage or who were in hiding."  
     Adama shook his head in dismay as he read the next paragraph.
     "Commander Deval's wife, whose name I do not know because he does
not talk about her, only lived for one more sectan after her rescue (and
prior to my own).  Apparently while trapped in the wreckage, she had
inhaled noxious fumes from Cylon bombings that fatally damaged her
respiratory system.  Those of us who know Commander Deval best, feel this
tragedy had a 'steeling' effect on him, and allowed him to become the
obvious choice as our Resistance leader, since he is now a man who
refuses to let emotion dictate any of his command decisions and knows how
to adopt a clinical position at all times as a commander must."
     She could easily be describing how I had to act in those days, Adama
marveled.  How he'd only allowed himself but a centon of private grief
when he'd walked through the ruins of his house on Caprica and convinced
himself that Ila was herself dead and buried in the wreckage.  And coming
on the heels of losing his youngest son, Zac as well.  Adama had then
been forced to "steel" himself by facing the crowd that had gathered
outside to then tell them solemnly, "Let the word go forth....."
     The Resistance needed a man who was capable of doing the same thing
under such great pressure and emotional strain.  Thank the Lords they
found him.
     The irony was how the picture Ila painted of Deval as a born leader
was quite different from what Adama had learned about the man from the
only active warrior on the Galactica who had firsthand memories of Deval. 
That was Flight Sergeant Giles, who had started out on the Solaria for
his initial training and then transferred after a yahren to the Galactica
where he'd been ever since.  Adama had asked Giles once if he remembered
Deval, and Giles had said yes, he did remember Deval as a newly
commissioned Ensign from the Academy at the same time Giles and his group
of enlisted recruits had begun their service.  
     "He was a bit overly self-conscious about being an officer with
Academy training while the rest of us were on the bottom of the rung as
recruits working our way up," Giles had said.  "A good pilot but not the
most personable man I've met.  Still, I guess that did set him up right
to become a leader some day."
     Giles had described a competent but not exceptional man.  Adama
wished there were others who could reveal more insights and he knew there
was one other Solaria veteran in the Fleet who would have remembered
Deval even better than Giles.  But Adama knew that person was beyond
talking to.  Sergeant Mattoon.  Locked away for no doubt the rest of his
life aboard the so-called "Nuthouse."  Adama hated that term, but he also
knew why it had become the preferred description.
     He returned to the list and looked over the other names.  From Ila's
group headed by Commander Deval, the only name he instinctively
recognized was her friend Zakiya, whose telecom call to Ila the night of
the Destruction inviting her to a reception at the Astral Needle had
saved Ila's life.  Insuring she wasn't at home when the Destruction took
place and leveled the home she and Adama had tended to for so long. 
Zakiya was nearly ten yahrens older than Ila and the last Adama
remembered of her was a woman who tended to carry her age more visibly
than could be said of Ila.  It was hard to think of her as an active
Resistance figure, but then again, he had little doubt that even the aged
had found ways to pitch in.  Perhaps not on commando missions (which even
Ila had taken part in more than once), but certainly in some kind of
meaningful support capacity.
     He noticed how each entry tried to be as detailed as possible,
usually running a full paragraph at minimum.  The one curious exception
was for a Colonel Antony, which was terse.  "Forty yahrens old. 
Exceptional fighter and warrior.  Previously attached to Caprica City
District Headquarters.  Before that, served  on the Battlestar Columbia
in Colonial Security."
     Adama couldn't help but note that if Antony was an exceptional
fighter, that had to mean he was someone Ila had worked with on a number
of occasions.  He might have expected a little more detail based on that. 
Perhaps that was because Colonel Antony was the kind of warrior who like
Starbuck, kept things close to the vest.  
     His eyes moved past the list of twelve children in Ila's group since
he couldn't imagine any of those names being familiar to him      At the
bottom of the page was the first group of names of those not based on
Caprica.  He immediately recognized the name of Baltar's cousin, Count
Mikkos.  And also the woman Ashera.  He had learned much about them
recently through Copernicus regarding their actions prior to the
Destruction when they had been involved in their own parallel plot of
treason organized by Sire Uri.  These things, Ila had not been aware of
until Adama informed her in a message a sectar ago, and when she'd
answered him about it, she acknowledged that she hadn't been aware of
their past duplicity but that it did explain certain things about them. 
She'd never elaborated on that, but he could only surmise that Mikkos and
Ashera were likely motivated by a guilt complex to make amends for their
past transgressions and thus be more productive in their work as members
of the Resistance.  Much in the same way, he had to acknowledge, that
Baltar had been making amends.
     Adama was about to turn the page to the next group of non-Capricans
when his eyes suddenly caught side of a name at the top he'd moved past
before.  It was in the list of Caprican children in Ila's group.  A name
that he suddenly realized had a ring of unexpected familiarty.  "Abby. 
Ten yahrens old.  Found in the rubble of a Caprica City apartment complex
in District Eight the same night Commander Deval rescued his wife and one
sectan before his rescue team  later found Zakiya and me.  Woman believed
to be her mother was dead, lying next to her.  Father was a warrior
Commander Deval evidently knew aboard the Solaria although he's never
mentioned his name, just as he never mentions the name of his late wife
and daughter.  Deval takes a special interest in little Abby as if  she
were his own daughter, which given the loss of his own is understandable. 
Abby is a quiet girl for the most part.  Apparently Deval is the only one
she ever talks to because she feels relaxed in his presence.  Around
others, she hardly says a word, though she always listens and obeys when
she's asked to do something."
        Adama stared at the entry, frowning.  Abby?
     An idea was going off in the back of his head and he knew he had to
check it out further.  He quickly set the message down and went to work
on his personal comp so he could summon up a file.  Even though he was
already 95% sure he was correct,  he needed to make sure about the last
5% before he did anything else.  As soon as he saw the confirmation on
the screen, he reached for the Com-line to the Bridge.
     "I want Dr. Tarnia to report to my office, immediately."


     "Well?" he asked the Fleet's resident expert in psychological
counseling as she finished reading Ila's message.
     Tarnia looked over at him, "'Father was a warrior Commander Deval
knew aboard the Solaria," she quoted before putting the slip of paper
down,  "I'd say there's definitely a very high probability it could be
Sergeant Mattoon's daughter.  And that would account for why Deval takes
a 'special interest' in her, as your wife puts it, since Deval and
Mattoon served together at the time of the Destruction.  Deval might see
the daughter of someone he knew as as a surrogate for his own daughter
who died."
     "If we're agreed that Abby is Sergeant Mattoon's daughter, then what
does that potentially mean for his case?"
     Tarnia shook her head, "I can't say, Commander.  First off, even
though it's a high probability, it's also possible the name is just a
coincidence.  And even if it is his daughter, it doesn't necessarily mean 
this could help him."
     "Why not?"
     "Commander, even if it's true, Mattoon can never see her again. 
Especially now that we've had the Referendum to make it official.  And
unlike you and your wife, he can't talk to her either.  Not until the
Pegasus makes it back to the Colonies at least, and even when they do,
it's certainly no guarantee something could be arranged. "
     "I understand your concerns, Doctor," he said, "But I have to ask
you this.  Assuming we tell Sergeant Mattoon nothing, what are the
prospects of  him ever coming out of this catatonic shell he's been in
for nearly a yahren?"
     The psychologist's mouth formed a straight line, "Sergeant Mattoon
has been an enigma from the very beginning.  If his catatonic condition
is something that would require drugs that we don't have access to
anymore, then he's beyond hope.  But it's also possible it's something
he's conscientiously imposed on himself and that the right level of talk
therapy might force him out of the shell.  But......after all this time
it's hard for me to tell whether his condition is chemical/organic or
whether he's just putting on a self-justifying act.  If it's the former,
then nothing I say to him will ever work because he won't be aware of my
presence.  But if it's the latter, it would require some tough talking to
get him out of it."
     "What kind of talk therapy have you tried in the past?'
     "Commander, when I'm dealing with a patient in that kind of
condition, the only way to force the patient out of it is to first
establish they can hear me and understand what I'm saying.  And *then* it
requires a plan of attack rooted in there being a broader incentive for
forcing the patient to come out of his shell.  The reason I've never done
that with Mattoon is because I haven't been able to establish that he can
hear me at all.  Without that, it would be a waste of my time mapping out
an aggressive attack plan of talk therapy aimed at him."
     "I understand, Doctor.  But what you're saying means that if you
never say anything to him at all, he'd just stay in his shell."
     "Exactly," Tarnia admitted.  
     "Then what you're describing is a long-term condition that
represents cruelty at its worst," Adama said, "I don't see the advantage
in leaving him in that state for the rest of his life.  It seems to me
there's absolutely nothing to be lost in telling him his daughter *could*
be alive whether he can hear you or not.  You'd have absolutely nothing
to lose under the circumstances."
     "Commander," Tarnia said gently, but firmly, "I'd be willing to see
it that way, if you could nail this down further before I proceed.  If I
can go into a new approach aimed at breaking him out of his shell, it has
to be because *I'm* convinced his daughter is alive.  If I got him out of
his shell and it turned out it was all because of a misunderstanding and
a false hope.............that would be even more cruel than what he's
presently going through."
     "Noted," Adama conceded.  "I'll.....see if I can do something about
that."


     Adama had asked the Bridge to make direct contact with the Pegasus
to ascertain if Ila was available to talk to him for no more than five
centons.  A brief message then came back indicating that Adama's wife
would be signaling him in ten centons.
     This was the kind of direct contact that both battlestars, forever
traveling in opposite directions from each other, tried not to overdo
since maintaining a direct live video chat placed a greater strain on
power resources, though in the Galactica's case it was technically
Baltar's Baseship that experienced the power level drop caused by direct
transmission.  The Galactica sent its messages on a relay signal to the
actual transmitter/receiver housed aboard the Baseship which in turn sent
the signal to the far-off Pegasus and when the second battlestar
established its link, it again relayed itself from the Baseship to either
the monitor on the Bridge or to Adama's quarters. 
     For every centon of actual conversation, the level of power drainage
increased.  It had earlier been estimated that a sixty centon
conversation could produce as much as a 20% drop in power requiring a
multi-centar recharging operation for all systems, and ever since the
first direct contact, no live chat had ever gone that long.  The fact
that pre-recorded video messages and text files could be sent in an
instant and be received, no matter their file size, was the compensatory
blessing in the whole thing.  It meant information could move more freely
and fully between the two battlestars as they pursued their separate
destinies.  Leaving an understanding that live chats were to be done
sparingly and usually when it was a matter of great importance.  That
hadn't stopped several "family chats" from taking place, especially when
it gave Ila and Cain a chance to see their grandchildren.  But even with
those, the time limit had been more strict than that first occasion.
     This time, Adama intended to make sure that things were as short and
simple as they could possibly be.  Because the only reason why he wanted
to talk live to his wife, so far away across the stars, was rooted
entirely in a professional matter.
     Ten centons after he'd put in the request, the monitor on Adama's
desk burst into a bright white glow and then with clarity he could see
his wife looking back at him from what he was sure were her quarters on
the Pegasus, which also served as her private office.  Most of the time,
Ila's duties kept her busy at work on her own personal comp, but she also
spent significant time in the Electronics Lab, working with he section
chief Dr. Arnoff and the two Cylons attached to the lab, Festus and
Serpentine.  It might have ordinarily surprised Adama to see how Ila had
been able to channel her natural skills as an Academician away from her
chosen fields of Music and Drama and into the very different disciplines
of history, science and political analysis.  But with just a minimal
amount of reflection, he realized that by nature, Ila had always been a
"concrete" thinker applying that mindset to the more abstract disciplines
of the arts.  That was what set her apart from other Faculty members and
why she was so popular, because she had a way of making abstract
principles understood in simpler, concrete terms.  And now, with
circumstances in life forcing her to deal with more concrete disciplines,
she'd made the switch with total ease.  And accomplished so much in both
the Resistance and as Cain's top advisor and confidante.
     He allowed himself just a brief micron to think of how beautiful she
still was.  How not even the strains and traumas of the last three plus
yahrens had diminished that.  He had said it to her more than once in
their renewed messages.  And she had told him how he was still the
dashing, handsome man she'd always known, which always made him look in
the mirror afterwards and wonder if it was just love and devotion that
made her say it, since he could only see the face of one who had aged so
much with the weight of so many responsibilities.  But then again,
perhaps those scars had a way of fading whenever Ila could see him. 
Because every time she could, it certainly made him feel so much younger
inside.
     "Hello!" she smiled and waved at him.
     "Hello, Ila," he smiled back and nodded his head, "This.....has to
be brief, because it concerns a matter we're researching in the Fleet
about one of the names on that list you sent of known survivors in the
Resistance."
     The smile on her face faded, and for just a fleeting instant, he
felt a certain vibe that he hadn't experienced in yahrens.  The vibe that
came from whenever Ila was afraid he was going to ask her about something
she didn't want to talk about.  
     "Which name is it?" he noticed that there was a cautious edge in her
voice as well.
     "A ten yahren old child named Abby," her husband said.  And
immediately the vibe she'd been giving off vanished.  As if she had
expected him to mention another name entirely.  
     "Oh, yes," Ila nodded.  "Commander Deval practically adopted her. 
She was the first child his team found when they went looking for
survivors."
     "And her mother was dead when she was found?"
     "I wasn't there when it happened, but I was told that another body
was lying nearby and Deval confirmed later that it was her mother."
     "And you say that Abby never talks to anyone but Deval?"
     "Well, she's not mute.  She'll say 'thank you' or 'okay' to other
people, but Deval is the only one she converses with and because of
Deval's duties, that isn't as often as she'd like it to be.  I guess it's
a comfort zone thing for her.  Deval was the first face she saw after she
went through such a horrible experience that night, seeing her mother die
right next to her, and then spending a sectan trapped next to her dead
body in the rubble."
     "How many children again are there in your group?"
     "About a dozen from age four to fifteen.  More than half of them
were orphaned.  Abby goes to the instructional class we set up for all of
them and she does the work that's expected of her, but she doesn't
interact with the other children.  When it's over she goes back to her
own room.  Deval tries to make sure he spends a centar or two of his day
with her whenever he can and that's the only time she brightens up and
behaves like a normal child."
     "This is important, Ila," Adama raised his voice in emphasis.  "You
mentioned that Abby's father was a warrior Deval knew on the Solaria. 
Did Deval tell you that?"
     "Well.....actually I didn't learn that directly from Deval," his
wife admitted.  "I got that second-hand from Deval's deputy......Colonel
Antony.  Deval doesn't talk much about his own past because of what
happened to his own wife and daughter.  But apparently one night, he was
a little more candid with the Colonel over a bottle of ale."
     Adama noticed how Ila had briefly hesitated before mentioning the
name of Deval's deputy, which was the same man she'd been so terse about
in her written summary.  But he quickly let it pass since he had more
important things to ask.
     "So was that the reason Deval was looking for survivors in District
Eight?" he asked.  "Because he knew that's where Abby and her parents
lived?"
     "Not initially," the blonde Academician shook her head. "That was
where his wife and daughter lived and he spent two days digging his wife
out, but she eventually died from noxious fume inhalation within a
sectan.  There was no trace of his daughter.  Until I got that
second-hand story from.....Colonel Antony, my first impression was that
he found Abby because he was still searching for his own daughter
elsewhere in District Eight."
     He again noticed the hesitation but let it pass.  "So you wouldn't
know the name of the warrior Deval knew on the Solaria?"
     "He didn't tell the Colonel, so I couldn't help you there.  I think
I told you in my report that I don't even know the names of his own wife
and daughter," she then frowned slightly, "I'm assuming you have a reason
for asking me all this?"
     "Yes," Adama decided that the preliminaries had gone on long enough,
"We have
reason to believe Abby's father is among us.  His name is Sergeant
Mattoon, a pilot who was on the Solaria that night just like Deval."
     His wife's blue eyes widened, "Mattoon?"
     "Yes.  Have you heard that name before?"
     "Not....exactly, but.....was he ever known as 'Matty'?"
     The memory of a personal letter in Mattoon's locker that Adama had
confiscated came back to him, "Yes, he was, though not among us."
     "My goodness, that explains everything," Ila shook her head in
amazement.  "I remember there was one night, a couple yahrens ago when I
needed to see Deval about something and he was in Abby's room sitting
next to her bed looking down at her.  He didn't know I'd come in, and
before he realized I was there, I heard him say something that sounded
like, 'I'm taking care of her, Matty.'  Until this  micron, I never knew
what he was talking about and I knew it wasn't my place to ask."
     "Well that clinches it then," Adama said with relief that they'd
gotten final confirmation.  "Ila, thank you.  That's all I needed to talk
to you about.  We'll be able to proceed with this and make sure Abby's
father knows about his daughter."
     "Of course," and then she impulsively pressed her hand against the
screen, "I love you."
     He smiled back at her, knowing that he should have warned her about
Tarnia's presence in the room.  "I love you too, Ila.  Until next time."
     "Until next time," she repeated softly.  And then the transmission
from so far away in defiance of the normal laws of physics, ceased.
     Adama had yet to lift his head from the now blank screen when he
heard Tarnia say, "I really admire you, Commander.  You and your wife."
     He looked up at her and saw the admiring expression on the
psychologist.
     "For the two of you to carry out a small, casual conversation like
that and not be overwhelmed by the permanent separation......it's a
testament to the strength of your marriage."
     "I appreciate your compliment, Dr. Tarnia," Adama said with
appreciation, but he didn't want to dwell on the subject.  "My wife and I
have accepted the situation as it is......and we've learned to appreciate
what we still have."
     The Commander then shifted his tone and added pointedly, "And it
seems to me that Sergeant Mattoon might be willing to appreciate the fact
that his daughter is alive....and well."
     "Of course," Tarnia nodded.  "Now that we know.....he has to be
told."
     "If he can comprehend it."
     "That's what I intend to find out when I go there tomorrow," the
psychologist said.  "I'm going to change my tactics with him....and then
I'm going to know if he's been able to hear me all along and doesn't need
drugs to start talking again."
     "I wish you luck with your efforts."
     Tarnia started to rise and then abruptly sat down again, as though
she'd forgotten something.
     "Commander, there's just one other thing I meant to talk to you
about.  I had lunch with Copernicus today, and he seems to be at ease
over that whole business of his friends in the hacker group.  I was
wondering if there was anything you could tell me about the follow-up
investigation you commissioned."
     Adama hesitated for just an instant, but decided this was something
Tarnia was entitled to know, given her devotion to Copernicus.
     "Well......I can tell you the investigation is concluded.  Security
Officer Micah gave me a full report some time back, and I finally signed
off on his conclusions.  The virus did originate with the fourth member
of the original hacker group.  The man named Hawking."
     "The anonymous member of the group," Tarnia said.  "The one living
under a new identity in the Fleet that even Copernicus didn't know
because he hasn't actually seen him since before the Destruction."
     "Yes.  Micah found out after he did some further digging.  As you
know, Ensign Miranda is his fiancee, so he was able to handle things with
more gentle discretion than anyone else could have.  It turned out
Miranda and her brother Meshach had deduced Hawking's current identity
and location in the Fleet because they had spent time trying to figure
out where their old friend was, whereas Copernicus never thought it was
any of his business."
     "Which is totally in keeping with his character," Tarnia sighed,
"Why did this....Hawking send out the virus?"
     "A total accident.  It had to do with that gaming network Copernicus
is part of with many others throughout the Fleet.  Hawking is part of it
too under his new identity, and it was during that networking that he
inadvertently sent out the old 'Specter Protocol' program to several
people in his group, which included two aboard the Galactica whose comps
were plugged into the central system.  And that's how the virus spread
and the trouble began."
     "And it wasn't deliberate?"
     "Micah had a chance to talk to Hawking face-to-face after he learned
where he was and I've seen the interview.  Micah was pretty forceful with
him, and made it clear that the absolute truth was necessary.  Hawking
was in tears and insisted it was an accident.  He'd meant to send a new
program to the friends in his network but by mistake he used the old
Specter Protocol without thinking.  He said he realized his mistake
within microns after he sent it but by then it was too late.  And once he
knew what had happened to the Galactica's systems, he just panicked and
tried to cover his tracks so it wouldn't be traced back to him.  He
didn't bargain on the fact that Copernicus would be called in to study
the virus and identify it......and then reveal everything about the
hacker collective.  Not to mention the connections to Sire Uri's treason
plot that was totally independent of Baltar's."
     "Was Hawking more deeply involved with that?"  Tarnia was fascinated
by these revelations, since they dealt with what her patient had been
involved with when he'd been outside her direct supervision prior to the
Destruction.  It made her wish she'd found a way to get Copernicus to
open up about those details of his life that he'd kept hidden from her. 
Including the fact he was the illegitimate son of Sire Uri, who had
ultimately used his son and his friends for sinister purposes rooted in
treason.
     "Only to this extent.  Hawking was the one in the group who first
came up with the idea of using the Specter Protocol to hack the security
systems of several major banks in the Colonies just to prove that it
could be done.  That wasn't something Copernicus or Miranda or Meshach
would have thought of on their own.  Clearly, Hawking was the unofficial
"leader" of the group who knew how to think big in terms of how to apply
their knowledge.  And that was why Sire Uri, after learning about the
group and their activities from Copernicus, had one of his operatives pay
Hawking a visit.  To make a long story short, Hawking, without realizing
the implications of what he was doing, ended up giving Uri's operatives
the information they needed to duplicate the hack work on the banks. 
That enabled them to get the money they needed to pay off two very
prominent people who were part of the treason plot."
     "Let me guess," Tarnia said, "Siress Rosalind and Ashera."
     The Commander nodded, "Exactly.  Ashera's role as an intelligence
operative meant she could give Uri and Count Mikkos access to the reports
President Adar was getting from Baltar on the state of the talks with the
Cylons.  And Rosalind of course, as Adar's mistress, could fill in the
personal details of what Adar was thinking and planning to do.  Without
that inside knowledge they got from bribing the two of them, it's not
likely they could have implemented the rest of their plot which meant
exploiting the hacker group to get what they needed to sabotage the
Colonial Defense Network."
     "In which they used the man Baltar thought was working exclusively
for him, when all the time Charybdis's first loyalty was to Sire Uri's
group."
     "For which Charybdis ultimately paid with his life," Adama said,
"And because Hawking had been more important to serving Uri's interests
than anyone else in the hacking group, that's why he stayed anonymous all
this time.  He knew from the start he was the only one in the group Uri
would have sent one of his henchmen after."
     "He's lucky Copernicus wasn't interested in knowing," Tarnia was
amazed, "Given what kind of a monster Uri was, I'm sure he would have
tried to get Copernicus to reveal Hawking's identity if he knew.  If that
had happened and Hawking been killed, I can't imagine what that would
have done to Copernicus's mental state.  That would have likely sent him
over the edge."
     "The Lords be praised it didn't come to that," the Commander smiled. 
He knew that if anything like that had happened to Copernicus, it would
have likely destroyed Tarnia as well. 
     "So what ultimately happens to Hawking?"
     "Nothing," Adama said firmly.  "Any crime he's technically guilty of
in relation to the Destruction is moot in light of Baltar's pardon.  As
for the virus......I believe Micah's conclusion it was an accident. 
Hawking wouldn't have gained anything tangible from sabotaging the
Galactica given what all the facts about him show.  So he doesn't have
anything to worry about, just as the rest of Copernicus's friends don't
have anything to worry about."
     "I'm glad to know that," the psychologist said with gratitude as she
finally rose from her chair, "Because that means Copernicus is truly at
peace about the whole thing, and.....well you know how much he means to
me, Commander."
     "I do," Adama acknowledged, "And my prayers for him that he remain
at peace."
     "Thank you, Commander," Tarnia bowed with gratitude.


     Once Tarnia had gone, Adama's thoughts returned to the conversation
with Ila and that brief vibe she'd given off.  He was convinced she'd
been concerned about a name he was going to ask about.  And the way she'd
twice hesitated in saying the name of Deval's deputy, combined with the
terse entry for that same person on the list could only lead Adama to
conclude that Ila wasn't particularly anxious to talk about Colonel
Antony.
     With just a bit of hesitation, he decided to do some probing.  He
picked up the telecom and punched the access number for Boomer and
Athena's quarters.  Since it was the evening shift now, both were
off-duty and likely spending time with the twins, little Ila and little
Zac.
     Boomer answered it, knowing right away it was him, "Hello,
Commander."
     Adama couldn't help but smile how even in an off-duty setting, his
son-in-law was still instinctively formal with him.  He attributed it to
the fact that for many yahrens, Boomer had seen himself peering from just
outside Adama's inner circle,  which had always included Starbuck. 
Because Boomer's relationship and subsequent marriage to Athena had been
more whirlwind in nature, there was a part of Boomer that still hadn't
fully come to terms with the idea of being Adama's son-in-law.  A status
that for so long he'd been convinced would one day be Starbuck's.
     "Hello, Boomer.  I didn't interrupt anything?"
     "Well, as a matter of fact, Athena's giving me a nasty look right
now because my answering this telecom took me away from my promise to do
all the changing of the twins tonight."
     His father-in-law chuckled, "Then in that case, I'm going to make
this very quick and then order you to carry out your designated
assignment *immediately*.  What I need to know is, are there any pilots
still in Red Squadron who were originally attached to the Columbia?"
     "Yes," Boomer said.  "Ensign Barton is the senior one from that
group."
     "And no one else served longer on the Columbia than him?"
     "No, sir.  Not among the living.  Captain Killian, Lords rest his
soul, was on her for something like fifteen yahrens, but......you know
what happened to him."
     "Yes, I remember," Adama briefly recalled the memory of the strike
captain who had died at the hands of the Ravashol pulsar weapon.  "That's
all, Boomer.  Thank you."
     "Anytime, sir."
     "And Boomer....," he added with a sly edge, "*Carry on*!"
     "*Yes, sir*!" Boomer said with mock formality before hanging up.
     Adama allowed himself another chuckle as he contacted the Bridge to
give the order to have Ensign Barton report to him immediately.  Ten
centons later the blonde warrior had arrived.  "Ensign Barton, reporting
as ordered, *sir*!" he stood at attention.
     "At ease, Ensign," Adama said.  "You.....were recently promoted I
believe?"
     "Yes, sir.  As a result of all the new pilot graduates from the
Viper cadet program, a number of us who were originally pre-Destruction
Recruits were finally as a courtesy given officer rank."
     "It's well-earned, Ensign.  Warriors like you may not have learned
at the Academy, but you've paid your dues over the yahrens."
     "Thank you, sir," Barton was appreciative, though inside he didn't
have the slightest idea why the Commander would have summoned him.
     "Let me get down to why I asked you here, Ensign," Adama said.  "How
long did you serve on the Columbia prior to the Destruction?"
     "Seven yahrens, sir.  I was assigned there straight out of Recruit
training."
     "That meant you had to put in time in Colonial Security first,
before you received viper training."
     "Yes, sir.  A full yahren."
     Adama carefully paused and decided it was time to ask, "Did you know
anyone on the Columbia named Antony?"
     A surprised look came over Barton as he impulsively blurted, "Pretty
Boy Antony?"
     Now it was Adama's turn to be surprised, "'Pretty Boy' Antony?"
     "I'm sorry, sir," Barton's face reddened.  "I just.....never
expected to hear that name again."
     The Commander leaned back in his chair.  This was going to be *very*
interesting.
     "Lieutenant Antony was the head of the Colonial Security division
when I first signed on," Barton recovered himself.  "He was transferred
off the Columbia at about the same time when I became a viper pilot."
     "To Caprica District Headquarters."
     "That I wouldn't know, sir."
     "No, I guess not," Adama said, knowing he had to probe carefully and
not cause any undue suspicion.  "What sort of a man was he?"
     "Well, as a division leader and as a warrior, he was quite good.  I
think I must have participated in at least three or four ground assault
missions with him and he knew how to react under fire in a pressure
situation."
     "Did you like him?"
     Barton uneasily drew himself up, "Sir, I.....don't know if it's my
place to comment."
     "This is all off the record, Ensign," Adama said gently. 
     That seemingly relaxed the Columbia veteran.  "Very well, sir.  I
didn't like him.  And neither did anyone else in the division."
     "And that's why Commander Fairfax had him transferred?"
     "Well.....no sir.  Not because we didn't like him.  It had more to
do with his....reputation.  The reputation that got him his nickname. 
You see, Lieutenant Antony had a certain way with women that......well I
don't know how I can put this delicately but......compared to him,
Starbuck was a Gemonese monk."
     For the first time, Adama was getting an inkling about the meaning
of that uncertain vibe he'd felt earlier today.
     "I.....see," the Commander said delicately.  "Was it
something.....specific?"
     "Well.....yes sir.  The lieutenant's reputation for always dressing
to the nines and romancing any woman in sight during a liberty leave was
soon spreading on to the Columbia itself.  There was a woman pilot in our
Blue Squadron group.  I've.....forgotten her name, but Antony came on
strong to her once and when that happened she told Captain Killian about
it, and the Captain blew his top and went straight to Commander Fairfax
and told him that if Antony wasn't transferred off the Columbia, then he
was going to put in a transfer request for himself.  The Commander wasted
no time getting Antony reassigned."
     "Did he protest the order?"
     "No, sir.  He accepted it and then he was gone.  That's the last
time I ever saw or heard of him until just now."
     Adama nodded.  "I understand.  This is very helpful, Ensign.  I
appreciate the information," he then paused and added, "We've received
confirmation that Lieutenant Antony is among the survivors on Caprica
taking part in the Resistance."
     Barton lifted an eyebrow, "Oh, really?  Well, Commander, regardless
of what I thought of him personally, I'd never question his skills as a
warrior.  If he's part of the Resistance, I'm sure he's doing an
absolutely professional job when it comes to his duties."
     "His record appears to indicate that," Adama said.  "I have to
assume he has no living relatives in the Fleet, based on what you've told
me.  But we do have to make sure we have a full accounting of those known
to be alive for our Central System."
     "Of course, sir," the Columbia veteran acknowledged, "Will there be
anything else?"
     "That's all."
     As soon as Barton had gone, Adama found himself leaning back again
and pondering the meaning of the information.  If his hunch was right,
then the reasons for that vibe Ila had given off clearly lay with the
enigma that was Lieutenant-now Colonel-Antony.  As if Ila was in some way
well aware of Antony's past reputation that Barton had vividly described.
     But he didn't believe for a micron that Ila was hiding something she
felt ashamed about.  Ila had told him point blank in their first
conversation that she had been faithful to him since the night of their
parting.  He knew that was true.  If she'd wanted to confess something to
him, she would have told him point blank, just as he would have done so
if he'd had something to say.  They both understood the situations they'd
been placed in.  It would have been all too easy for either of them to
have found the need for companionship and love during their respective
ordeals since both had operated under the belief they would never see or
speak to each other again.  That neither of them had, was a testament to
how powerful the bond between them was, even with the vast physical
separation they'd been forced to endure.
     But even staying faithful all this time couldn't have meant there'd
been no temptations.  Adama knew how true that was since for a very long
time, Siress Tinia had been a temptation to him.  She had never made any
forward gesture, but ever since she and Adama had cemented an alliance on
the Council, he'd become aware of the eye contact and the vibe she'd
given off that indicated a potential interest.  He'd chosen to play
things cautiously.  Not willing to reciprocate by making the first move,
but at the same time not wanting to openly convey that he wasn't
interested.  From Adama's perspective, he was leaving the door open, but
not too widely and he'd had no intention of pushing it further for some
time at least.  Now though, the door was permanently shut.  And he knew
Tinia realized that.  Ever since the revelation about the Pegasus and
Ila, Adama noticed how the look in Tinia's eyes at Council meetings was
gone now.  As was the vibe she'd once given off.  Tinia understood
precisely where he stood and she had the integrity to know she had to
keep things in the respectful distance of friendship only from now on.
     Given all that, Adama would have expected Ila, with her beauty,
intellect and resourcefulness, to have received her share of temptations. 
And in light of  Colonel Antony's prominence in the Caprican Resistance
as Commander Deval's deputy, the opportunities for her to be tempted by a
man with such an easy reputation with women, had to be numerous. 
     I know she's never given in.  But she doesn't want to mention she's
been tempted by him or talk about him, because she no doubt respects and
admires the work he's done in the Resistance.  She would never want to
disrupt the importance of that.  
     And one thing Adama was never going to do was give her any reason to
think he harbored suspicions or jealousies of any kind.  That would be a
betrayal of trust.  If Ila wanted to mention Colonel Antony or anyone
else who might have tempted her in the past, he'd wait for her to tell
him in her own good time.  And if she did tell him.....then he had every
intention of opening up to her about Tinia as well.
     By the time Adama turned in for the night, he regarded the matter of
Colonel Antony to be a closed subject.
     For now.

Chapter Three

     "Can you hear me, Sergeant?"
     Of course I can hear you.  I hear you ask that same stupid question
every day.  When are you going to get it through your thick head that I
don't want to talk to you?  Or anyone else?  Leave me alone.  Hearing
your voice just intrudes on everything. 
     Everything for Sergeant Mattoon was closing off the world around him
and retreating to his private fantasy.  The private fantasy of four
yahrens ago and the last furlon he'd shared with his beloved wife, Jana
and their six yahren old daughter, Abby.  It was a short furlon of just
three cycles.  The Solaria was in for some repairs at a space dock and
once they were completed, the Battlestar would resume deep space
operations along the Cylon frontier.  
     Every part of that furlon from beginning to end he allowed to replay
in his mind in an endless loop.  His arrival at the Caprica City
Aerodrome on a military shuttle, and seeing Jana and Abby waiting for him
with the other warrior families.  Abby running up to him and shouting,
"Daddy!" as he picked her up and gave her a hug and kiss.  Then setting
her down so he could let Jana come up and let them share an even bigger
hug and kiss.
     Because Jana could only afford a downtown apartment on his warrior
pay, they'd spent an afternoon in the city park where he could play with
his daughter.  And to his delight, Abby didn't gravitate toward the mock
Viper that usually attracted the attention of children.  She instead
preferred the old fashioned swing set because it meant her Daddy could
give her a push high up into the sky which he loved doing.  For over a
half centar he'd push and oblige her. "Higher, Daddy!" requests to the
point where Jana found herself getting just a trifle uneasy.  But Mattoon
would always give his wife a reassuring laugh and then slowly start
dialing things back so that Abby was pushed less high until finally she
came back down to a stop.  With her father ready to give her another big
hug as he lifted her out of the swing.
     And then, they went back to the apartment where they left Abby in
the care of Jana's next-door neighbor for the evening while Mattoon took
Jana out for dinner in the revolving restaurant atop the Astral Needle in
downtown Caprica City.  Where they could take in the breathtaking view of
the downtown pyramid structures beneath them and then over the course of
their dinner see the view change to the western horizon, where the lights
of small water craft on the ocean cast their firefly like glow from so
far away.  The sight of those boats always made Jana wonder what the
people so far away out on the ocean were doing at that very centon. He'd
noted  they were probably looking back at the lights of the distant
Astral Needle from their vantage point thinking about all the people
enjoying a lavish dinner in the restaurant like them.
     "Some day, Matty, when we're old and gray, we can buy our own boat,
take it out on the ocean at night, and then we can look back at the
Needle and do all the wondering from that vantage point."
     He'd smiled back at her, "Maybe not when we're old and gray."
     "Come on," she playfully teased him, "They'll have to drag you out
of your viper, first.  You love flying."
     "Yeah, Jana, I do," her husband said as he looked into her blue
eyes.  "I love flying.  I love being a good viper pilot.  But.....I don't
have to serve aboard a Battlestar forever just to keep flying.  When I
hit ten yahrens of front-line service, I'm going to put in for a transfer
for duty here on Caprica.  Whether it's at District HQ or the Aerodrome I
don't care, but I'm not going to be away from you and Abby when she
starts entering the most important yahrens of her life."
     Jana idly twirled her finger in her long blonde hair, "You really
mean that, Matty?"
     "With all my heart," he said sincerely.  "I'm not like some of these
warriors who view their wives as people who have to take a back seat to
their career aspirations.  You and Abby are always first with me.  If it
weren't for the fact we really need the money for her university fund
that I'll get once I reach ten yahrens on the front line, I'd be putting
in for a transfer now." 
     She took a sip from her ambrosia chalice and after putting it down,
she let out a deep sigh of contentment.
     "Four yahrens to go," Jana said longingly, "Four yahrens and.....I
won't have to go to pieces waiting for you at an aerodrome again.  Unless
of course.....you let yourself get careless the next time a Cylon comes
on your tail."
     "Who me?" he said with mock innocence, "The tin cans never stand a
chance when they're up against me."
     "Of course if things go wrong, there's always good old Deval to bail
you out," a twinkle entered her blue eyes.
     Her husband let out a chuckle, "Good old Deval is the best wingmate
a pilot could have, but what makes him a great wingmate is that he knows
when to give his junior ranked partner space to breathe while blasting
Cylons to Hades for infinity."
     "You mean machines actually go to Hades?" she teased.
     Mattoon's voice suddenly became deadly serious, "Hades is too good
for those murdering, mechanical scum."
     And then he frowned.
     No.  Wait, stop!  That's NOT what I said!  I didn't talk about what
soulless monsters all Cylons are!  It was all happy talk......about our
future.  Why is everything being ruined, all of a sudden?  Making me say
things I didn't say that night?
     "Can you hear me, Sergeant?"
     Damn her.  DAMN HER!  She has to open her mouth again and ask that
same stupid question over and over.  Day after day.  LEAVE ME ALONE! 
You're ruining everything.  Taking my mind off Jana and Abby and making
me think about how we're now working with their murderers.  Now......I
have to let everything go back to the beginning.  When I arrived at the
aerodrome.........
     Suddenly the tone of the voice asking the question, which had always
been gentle, abruptly became harsh and unsympathetic.
     "I really shouldn't keep asking you, Sergeant, because I know what
the answer is.  You can hear me.  And you've been able to hear me since
probably the very beginning when you were brought here.  After a while, a
person in my field can tell whether someone needs drugs to get them out
of their shell or whether they're just faking it to justify retreating
into their own private little escapes from reality.  And there's no doubt
in my mind that you're the ultimate faker I've come across in all my
yahrens in the profession."
     Who are you calling a faker?  You think all of this is a joke?  You
think I wanted to be in this place?  I was *forced* here!  Forced by
politicians and leaders and even warriors who betrayed everything I stood
for as a Colonial Warrior, and shamed the memories of the only people I
loved!
     "You've been treated with kid gloves long enough, Sergeant.  It's
time to get at the root of your problem.  You were so upset over the
Detente and the idea of working with Cylons from now on,  you decided you
had to do something about it and try to restart the war all by yourself. 
You decided you had the right to play God and tamper with the destinies
of everyone else in this Fleet.  All so you could get yourself into the
joy of the afterlife with the ones you lost."
     Shut up!  Shut up!
     "So now, having been thwarted, you decide to retreat.  Where are you
retreating to, Sergeant?  Happy days of the past?  Reliving them over and
over in your mind?  And you don't want to acknowledge the real world any
longer because it takes you away from that fantasy realm of yours?  Too
lazy to eat and empty your bladder and bowels all by yourself any longer
because that's too much of a distraction?  I don't think it's because you
want to escape to the past,  it's from not wanting to face the shame of
admitting you betrayed your oath as a warrior......for nothing."
     I was a good warrior!  My record was the best of any pilot who came
from the recruit ranks!  All that ever mattered to me was serving the
Colonial Nation because I *believed* in what we were fighting for!  I
never betrayed my oath.  Only Adama and all those cowards who decided to
make deals with the demons, especially Baltar!
     "You thought life was unfair because without war, there was no
justice for the ones you loved and who were taken from you.  That's why
you went off the deep-end, wasn't it, Sergeant?" the voice dropped to a
whisper but it was still hard and unsympathetic.  "But the irony of it,
Sergeant......is your whole reason was for nothing.  *Nothing*!"
     What do you mean NOTHING?  If I'd succeeded, then Jana and Abby
would have been avenged!  We would have gotten our integrity as a people
back and not shamed the memories of those we lost!
     "Nothing," the voice repeated, "You would have gained......nothing
if you'd succeeded."
     "Felgercarb!" Sergeant Mattoon suddenly shouted at the top of his
voice while his arms and legs tried to flail about but were held back by
the restraints.  And then......his head turned and he could see Tarnia
seated by his bed and  looking down at him with an expression reminiscent
of his Drill Instructor in Recruit Training after the DI had succeeded in
provoking an outburst from one of his recruits.  Right down to the faint
curl of a smile at the edge of her mouth it was a perfect copy.
     "Well, well, Sergeant Mattoon," the psychologist said, "It looks
like you've decided at long last to reconnect with reality."
     "You bitch," he slowly shook his head, "How could you do that to me? 
Why couldn't you leave me alone?"
     "Because it's my job, Sergeant," Tarnia said, unfazed.  "I don't
like to deal with cases that aren't beyond my ability to make some
headway.  It took me this long to realize your condition isn't chemical
at all, but a deliberate game on your part.  The game of a child who
didn't get his way and decided to run off to his room and lock the door
because he couldn't face reality any longer.  So for nearly a yahren
you've let yourself go off into this warped game of make-believe in which
you pretend you're someone who's beyond the simpler methods of basic
therapy when it comes to treatment.  But basic therapy is all you've ever
needed.  You just weren't man enough to go looking for it and decided
instead to lash out at the entire Fleet, and it didn't matter how many
people you would have killed in the process."
     Mattoon lowered his head with the air of a child who'd been given a
stern parental lecture he didn't want to hear.  Tarnia was sure that if
his hands were free he'd be sticking his fingers in his ears as a sign of
protest.
     "And now that you've finally opened the door and acknowledged you're
part of the real world, we can finally dispense with all of this
felgercarb," she waved her arm around, "and get you out of this section
where you're taking up a bed someone else might need, and leeching off
valuable med-resources you shouldn't be using and wasting the time of
med-techs who have other people to serve."
     "Who's going to make me?" he didn't look at her.
     "I am," Tarnia said coldly, "Because if you don't accept transfer to
a normal Life Station bed on Hospital Ship #1 where you will learn to eat
through your mouth again and learn how to use the turboflush again, then
you go straight to a solitary confinement cell on the Prison Barge
instead.  Charges of treason against you have been held in abeyance, but
all it takes is one telecom from me to Sire Solon and that's where you're
going.  *Unless* you be a man for once and start cooperating."
     Slowly, Mattoon lifted his head and faced her.
     "What difference does it make if I do cooperate?" his voice was
suddenly calmer.  "The treason charge won't go away whether I cooperate
with you or not."
     "What happens to the treason charge depends on you and how you
respond to therapy," the psychologist said.  "You clearly weren't in your
right mind when you did all the things you did.  And now it's my job to
make you a normal productive member of society again."
     A smirk came over the Sergeant's face.  "How do you define 'a normal
productive member of society'?"
     "Living a normal life and accepting things as they are," Tarnia
didn't lessen the coldness in her voice.  By nature she wasn't the kind
of person who liked to take the 'tough love' approach with a patient but
she'd gone into this deciding that she had nothing to lose.  If Mattoon
was really beyond help, nothing she said would have made any difference. 
And she'd already decided that whispering gently to him that his daughter
was alive was the kind of thing his cloistered mind would dismiss as a
lie.  She realized she needed to make him angry and force him back into
the real world and only *then* would it be safe to tell him the truth.
     But she wasn't going to do that now.  She knew she had to get
Mattoon acclimated to the real world once again.  To put him in a
position where he'd never be able to close himself off once again.  And
only then.......would she tell him.


     She'd gotten Mattoon moved to a private room on Hospital Ship #1. 
The fact that it was actually a step-up in accommodations for the
Sergeant was balanced by the fact that he was now taken off his
intravenous diet and put under supervision to insure that he was eating. 
In addition to that, he was put into physical therapy to get some muscle
movement back into his legs to prepare him for walking again.  And Tarnia
saw to it that the med-tech who was assigned to him as a physical trainer
had a bedside demeanor like that of a hard-edge Recruit Drill Instructor. 
For this critical phase of acclimation, she had decided that Sergeant
Mattoon could be shown no mercy.  Challenging him without mercy had
broken down the self-imposed walls of isolation and gotten him to start
talking.  Putting him through the same in physical therapy, she was
convinced would achieve similar success.
     Tarnia steered clear of him for four days, making sure she got
reports on how he was responding to physical therapy and whether he was
eating normally again.  Once she heard the reports were good, she decided
it was time to go see him again.
     "Good morning, Sergeant," she said pleasantly, but still keeping the
edge of the stern authority figure present.
     He only grunted in acknowledgment.
     "I didn't come to hear you make guttural sounds," she sat down in
the chair next to his bed, "Let's hear something better than that."
     "Good morning," he mumbled in a distinctly unfriendly way.
     "That needs improvement but it'll do for a start," Tarnia pressed
on, "I've read the reports on your physical therapy progress.  You've
come a long way in just four days."
     "Yeah," his voice remained a mumble as he kept looking away from
her.
     "And be honest.  Even concentrated protein is easier to take through
the mouth than through the arm, isn't it?"
     "So long as my tastebuds remain dead," he said impulsively which
made Tarnia laugh.  He looked at her and he frowned.
     "It wasn't that funny."
     "No," the counselor admitted, "But recovering your ability to be
sarcastic is a definite sign of improvement, Sergeant."
     He rolled his eyes and turned away from her again.
     "Let's talk, Sergeant."
     "About what?"
     "About things in general.  About.....life in general. 
About.....coming to terms with how things are in the universe now that
you're going to be part of it again.  There's a lot that needs to be
said.....by you."
     "And if I choose to remain silent......" he then stopped and then
added, "Scratch that.  You'll just tell me I'll end up in the Prison
Barge, right?"
     "Most likely," she didn't bat an eye.  "And I don't think you're a
fool, Sergeant Mattoon.  You may have wanted to shut yourself off from
the universe, but you know you won't be able to do it on the Prison
Barge.  So at this point, you have nothing to lose whatsoever by
loosening that tongue of yours and everything to gain."
     For the first time, a smile formed at the corners of the sergeant's
mouth.  More of a contemptuous smirk, but a definite first.  "Is this
your bedside manner with all of your patients, Doc?"
     "Different cases mean different approaches," Tarnia said, "I don't
give the kind, gentle sympathetic ear to people who think the solution to
their troubles is to either sabotage the Detente or blow up the
Galactica's solium tanks.  That's when the so-called 'tough love'
approach is called for."
     "Oh, you're in love with me, Doc?" he taunted, "Sorry, but you're
not my type."
     "I treat all my patients like they were my own children," Tarnia was
more than ready for the taunts and challenges that would be coming her
way.  "Most of the time, my children act like adults.  You belong in the
category of the two yahren old throwing a tantrum because the key to
unlock the jar with all the mushies is out of his reach."
     "Yeah, and what sort of problems are these 'adult' patients of yours
dealing with?" he scoffed, "The usual laundry list of personal problems? 
'My boyfriend doesn't understand me?'  'I can't take the pressure of my
job?'  'There's this cute girl I'm in love with but she doesn't know I
exist?'  All that kind of felgercarb, right?"
     "Sometimes.  And sometimes the problems are even bigger than yours,
Sergeant."
     "Double felgercarb," he said sourly.
     Tarnia decided it was time to lower the boom, "Were you ever
programmed to be an assassin, Sergeant?"
     His eyes narrowed slightly.
     "Have you ever *seen* a loved one die in front of your eyes,
Sergeant?  I don't mean heard about it after the fact, I mean *see* in
front of you someone who meant something to you go through the act of
dying before your eyes?"
     Now she could see Mattoon biting his lip.  Tarnia knew she could
reveal these general nature type of cases she'd dealt with since there
was no way of Mattoon ever knowing who she was talking about, nor would
he ever ask about them.
     "How about dealing with the aftereffects of being imprisoned for a
crime you *didn't* commit, Sergeant?"
     "All right," he held up his arm, "All right, you made your fracking
point."
     "Good," she smiled coldly, "So now that we've dispensed with that,
we can start getting to the matter of why your case, which isn't
dissimilar from so many other people in this Fleet, led you to do what
you did."
     The hostility and combativeness were rapidly dissolving from
Mattoon's countenance.  As though he finally realized he was beaten and
could do nothing else from now on but cooperate.
     "Before we go on," his tone was now quiet, "Is the Detente still in
place?"
     "It is."
     "Those tin cans have.....behaved?"
     "Oh yes."
     "And.....the people have.....accepted it?"
     "People are prone to grumble a little from time to time, but the
answer is yes, Sergeant.  The people haven't protested or rioted or
ousted Adama from leadership because of the Detente.  And all of your
fellow pilots have learned how to keep doing their jobs and learning how
to work *with* their Cylon counterparts.  In short, Sergeant, your
escapade didn't serve as an inspiration to anyone."
     He lowered his head and for the first time she could see a sense of
what she knew to be shame coming over him.
     "But there was one good thing that did come out of it, Sergeant,"
she said, "You made your fellow warriors realize that keeping emotional
anger bottled up and harboring bitterness isn't the way to go.  Many of
them learned the value of just talking things out with me or with their
close friends.  And it did wonders for the soul for so many of them." 
She paused and when she spoke again she was gentle sounding for the first
time, "Didn't you have any close friends you could have talked to,
Sergeant?"
     "No," his voice was quiet as he gently shook his head, "Not on this
ship.  Not in this Fleet.  They were all.....gone."
     "Back on the Solaria?"
     "Yeah," an edge of sadness crept in.
     She decided it was time to zero in, "Who was your best friend on the
Solaria?"
     "My best friend?" he let out a sad chuckle, "Frack.....that's too
easy.  My wingmate.  Lieutenant Deval."
     Tarnia tried not to show any reaction to this.  Even though it
potentially could be the ultimate game-changer as far as Mattoon's case
was concerned.
     "Tell me about him," she said.
     Mattoon let out a sigh, and then, resigned to the fact there was
nothing else he could do....he started to talk.
     "Well.....when I was assigned to the Solaria out of Recruit
Training, Deval was a newly commissioned Ensign out of the Academy. 
And.....new Academy graduates when they meet enlisted pilots who come out
of Recruit Training......they tend to have a knack for putting on airs
right away, even though from a comparative standpoint our level of
training isn't that different.  At the beginning, Deval was no different
from the rest.  He wasn't worse than the average Academy guy, but there'd
be the usual things like expecting the enlisted man to stay a step or two
behind you when walking to your Viper.  Remembering to "not speak unless
spoken to" when we started to fly.  And of course always making sure that
when you did make contact or speak to him, the first word out of your
mouth was 'sir'."
     "And you didn't like him at first."
     "I didn't dislike him.  I just felt like he was too aloof to get
close to.  But....after about six or seven sectars I think was when he
started to change and began to act more friendly to me and even started
cutting back on all those 'I'm an officer and you're not' type of airs. 
I found out later that what made him start doing that was when he saw how
Commander Remus treated us.  Remus was the type of skipper who didn't
care about the fine point of ranks unless there was a mission taking
place.  Off-duty he wanted it to be a friendly, relaxed group.  Maybe
Deval decided he had to change because it would put him in good stead
with our C.O., but.....once he changed he learned how to treat me as an
equal when it came to flying and when it came to hanging out.  And that's
when we became close."
     "You trusted him."
     "Oh yeah.  Completely.  Anything I needed to say he'd listen.  And
he trusted me too."
     Tarnia knew her next set of questions would be critical.
     "Did he have a family?"
     "Yeah, he was married.  Her name was Esther.  They had a little girl
named Dani," for the first time a genuine smile came over his face, "We
were such good friends."
     "Who?" she felt the momentum was really starting to pick up.
     "Us.  My family and his.  We both had apartments in Caprica City in
District Eight.  Not the same building, but we were just three blocks
from each other and it always made it easy for Jana and Esther to get
together for lunch or go shopping."
     "And the kids would play with each other?"
     He slowly shook his head, "Not often.  Mostly because of the age
difference.  Deval's girl, Dani was three yahrens older than Abby because
Deval got married while he was still in the Academy and I didn't marry
Jana until after I'd been assigned to the Solaria.  That's too wide a gap
at that stage where the older child doesn't want to hang around the
younger one much if she can avoid it.  But still......it was a close bond
between all of us.  It made our wives feel secure to know their husbands
were always looking out for each other whenever we were flying missions
together."
     "Was it a happy marriage for Deval?"
     "Completely.  Deval and I were lucky.  We.....had wives who weren't
the complaining type about long separations.  They understand what we
were doing and what we were up against. And Deval.....he was like me in
one other way.  We were both planning to put in ten yahrens of front-line
duty, take advantage of the pay bump and put in for transfer back to
Caprica.  We were both....anxious to be there when our daughters' hit
their maturing yahrens and be there for them.  And.....Deval and Esther I
think were planning on having a second child by then too.
     Tarnia brought her fingertips together, "Were you with him the night
of the Destruction?"
     "Yeah," Mattoon's tone grew quieter and somber, "Our Blue Squadron
Group was mostly hanging out in the Officers Club because......we were
all in a stand-down mode.  Waiting for the rendezvous with the Cylon
Fleet at the Star Kobol so the President and the Imperious Leader could
sign the treaty formally ending the war.  Half the pilots were getting
crocked..  That was a night when Commander Remus's fatherly image didn't
serve us well, because....he wanted his men to celebrate and be happy so
as a result of that......our pilots weren't even close to a state of
readiness when the bottom dropped out and the ambush began."
     This was a detail about the night of the Holocaust Tarnia had never
known.  And she realized for the first time why so many other battlestars
in the Colonial Fleet had been caught flat-footed and unable to launch
many vipers of their own.  They had been lulled into a state of
complacency over the pending Armistice they thought was coming.  And so
when the Red Alert klaxons sounded......the men who were supposed to
respond to them were not in the condition they'd been trained to be in.
     "But you and Deval got to your vipers."
     The Solaria veteran nodded.  "Only because he and I skipped the club
celebration.  We were scheduled for the first post-Armistice patrol the
next morning and neither of us wanted to have our brains fogged up from
too much grog and ale.  We wanted to be dead sober when the Rendezvous
took place and celebrate quietly.  As far as we were concerned the big
celebration would come the next time we were on Caprica with our
families.  And Remus was planning to give us furlon in about another two
sectans after things became official."
     He exhaled and continued, "We were in the corridor when we felt the
first explosion hitting us *before* the Red Alert sounded.  That's how
caught off-guard we were.  We then sprinted like mad to the launch bay
and there were at least one or two more bad hits on us before we got off. 
And.....when we both came out, it was the most horrible thing I'd ever
seen in my life.  Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw with two
waves of Cylon fighters swarming on the Solaria and the Atlantia all at
once.  I had to blast my way through a three Raider column to avoid
getting pinned in and then I managed to hook up with some fighters from
the Galactica and the Columbia that had gotten off.  I found out later
the Columbia was the only other battlestar that managed to get a large
chunk of her ships off.  Commander Fairfax I guess had been playing
things more cautiously than Remus did."
     Tarnia carefully chose her next question.  "When did you lose sight
of Deval?"
     "Almost right away," the edge of sadness returned.  "I was fighting
for my life the instant I came out of the launch bay to get past the
group that was pelting the Solaria like a stuck porcine in the mud.  By
the time I reached the other vipers, I couldn't tell where Deval was and
there wasn't time to raise him because I had to fall-in with the others
and take part in whatever strategy they were concocting on the fly. 
Captain Killian of the Columbia's Blue Group was the one I ended up
staying with until we all landed on the Galactica  a centar later after
it was all over and all the other ships were gone."
     "What do you think happened to him?"
     Mattoon sighed, "He had to deal with columns thicker than mine
because he came out second and after I blasted my way through, I had just
enough time to look back for a fraction of a micron and see the other
fighters I'd gotten past close in and pack together so that nothing else
that launched would have had a chance.  He.....probably bought it within
a matter of microns or maybe a centon if he was able to take down some of
them first."
     Do I tell him now?  Do I dare tell him now?  Is it safe for me to do
it?  Or do I need to get him to talk more about other things, first? 
About how he handled losing his wife and daughter and why he felt he had
to do what he did?  Should I wait for him to admit that what he did was
wrong, first?
     All of these were professional questions that Tarnia  had just
microns to answer in her mind.  She had to make her best professional
judgment and then live with it.  She decided that for now, the news about
what had really happened to Lieutenant Deval.......would wait.
     She allowed Mattoon to keep talking about the rest of his experience
in the battle. The moment he saw his battlestar, the Solaria, explode in
a giant fireball.  And that had sent him into a stupefied auto-pilot mode
for the rest of the battle until he finally landed on the  Galactica  a
centar later. 
     "I was a walking zombie for I don't know how long," his voice was a
whisper.  "I was wandering the corridors, trying to delude myself I was
still on my ship because the layouts are nearly identical, but all I saw
were people I didn't know.  And then.....by a miracle there was someone
who recognized me.  Sergeant Giles had been part of my Recruit class and
he'd been with me on the Solaria my first yahren until he transferred to
the Galactica.  He.....helped get me through the night.  I.....was so
much in a state of shock over the Solaria and Remus and Deval and
everyone I knew being gone that.....I didn't even have a micron to think
about Jana and Abby."
     His voice had faded to a whisper, "I'm still ashamed of myself for
not thinking about them, that night.  Instead.....I just thought about
myself and......the Solaria."
     "It's understandable," for the first time, Tarnia's voice took on
the softer, maternal tone she used with other patients.  "You'd just seen
your friends and your co-workers who'd been part of your daily life for
six yahrens die suddenly and without warning, and there you were all
alone aboard a strange ship with only one person from a while back you
knew.  It's a classic case of survivor guilt taking hold, Sergeant.  And
it's totally understandable."
     She then added, "You didn't know yet about the Colonies that night?"
     Mattoon shook his head faintly without answering.
     "All right," the counselor slowly rose from her chair, "That'll be
all for today, Sergeant.  I'll be back tomorrow after you've eaten and
had your physical therapy session.  We'll talk about....what you had to
confront next."
     She started to walk away from him but then she heard Mattoon's voice
calling after her.
     "Doctor?"
     Tarnia stopped and turned around.  The sadness was still clear on
the Sergeant's face, but she could tell right away that it wasn't the
overwhelming sadness of grief and despair.  Instead, it was more the look
of sadness that resulted from.....catharsis.
     "Doctor, I......appreciate what you're trying to do.  I
think....maybe you're on to something with me."
     She smiled at him.  The smile of empathetic warmth she liked to give
to all her patients after a session.
     "I hope we are, Sergeant," the counselor said gently, "I hope we
are."


     With some relief, Tarnia returned to her office on the other side of
the Hospital Ship.  It was time for her to resume her regular office
appointments for the day.  With people who had their own stories to tell
that required help, advice and counsel.
     It's a wonder I don't lose my own mind from it all, she thought. 
When she'd first come to the attention of Adama because of her
guardianship of Copernicus on the Sagittaria, it had led to a request
that she lend her broader services to the entire Fleet because of the
absence of trained professionals in her field.  Her sheltered position on
the Sagittaria caring for Copernicus had left her unaware of just how
much the Fleet was lacking in this area of the medical profession, or
else her sense of duty and honor would have made her step forward and
volunteer her services much sooner.  Because of that, she'd thrown
herself into her broader responsibilities with an intensity beyond what
she'd thought herself capable of.  As if working round the clock as she
often did could get herself caught up with the yahren she'd missed out
on.
     From a clinical standpoint she knew that it was foolish to reproach
herself over that lost yahren.  Not when Copernicus, who meant everything
to her, still needed her close supervision.  But now that Copernicus had
settled into a quiet existence of independence for himself aboard the
Pathmain with his electronics kiosk, his need for her constant
supervision had diminished, and she could throw herself into her new
duties without any apprehension that she was leaving the one person she
loved most without guidance.
     Where's the guidance for me, though?  She thought.  At what point am
I going to end up overloading myself to the point where it's too much for
me to handle?
     She knew the solution lay in training more people to learn the
skills she possessed.  But training took time.  And time was too often
the thing she didn't have enough of with all the patients she needed to
attend to.
     And so for now, all she could do was soldier on and hear her next
patient, who was about to arrive.


     "I'm here because Commander Byrne felt it was necessary," Airman
Brandon Reynolds, USAF said as he sat across from Tarnia.  "He said he
needs to have a written statement from you that I'm not bitter or
resentful over what.....almost happened to me."
     "I understand," Tarnia said.  "You don't resent having to come
here?"
     "Oh no," Reynolds shook his head.  "I understand why Commander Byrne
needs something official for his records.  And I'm.....quite aware the
reason I nearly got myself into trouble was because of my big mouth about
Sire Xaviar."
     "But let's move past that, Airman," the counselor said.  "You were
upset with Sire Xaviar because he's been so vocal about turning back to
join the Pegasus.  Because you were afraid it would mean losing a chance
to go home, right?"
     "That's right, ma'am" the Airman admitted, "There are lot of us who
were worried about that.  But.....Sire Xaviar took me aside after that
whole conspiracy of Siress Lydia's was blown open, and he assured me that
even if the Fleet did turn back, he'd make sure that nothing would
interfere with our ability to get to Earth....that is, all of us who are
waiting to get back to Earth.  And the way he handled himself during the
whole Referendum campaign proved that, and the way he's acted since only
proves it more."
     "I understand he came by and spoke to all of you the day after the
Referendum."
     "Yes, he did," Reynolds nodded, "It was really a nice informal talk
with all of us who are from Earth.  He apologized for some of the things
he'd said about all of us getting 'special privileges' and all that.  And
Commander Byrne told him we understood why that impression had come up,
and that in the end there were apologies to go around in all directions. 
Not a 50-50 split, but.....well, we all had to recognize that we're not
perfect."
     "Do you really feel that way?" Tarnia asked.
     He seemed puzzled by the question, "Ma'am?"
      "Do you really feel that apologies were needed in both directions?"
she zeroed in, "Or was that just something said in order to be polite to
Sire Xaviar?"
     Seeing his confusion, she added, "Some of your friends have come to
me and admitted that deep down, they're not completely over what Sire
Xaviar said about 'special privileges.'"
     "Oh.....well ma'am that's not how I feel.  I mean....after what I
went through, and how Sire Xaviar was kind enough to talk to me
personally the day after all that happened......I'm not bitter toward
him.  And I do think there were things that made people like him *think*
we were getting special privileges and we should have recognized that
sooner.  Especially after the news broke about the Pegasus and the
Resistance.  Like I said, I wouldn't say it was a 50-50 deal, but.....we
all had something to learn from the whole thing."
     "That's commendable," Tarnia said.  "The gap between your people and
Sire Xaviar wasn't like the gap that existed with Siress Lydia."
     A flicker of disgust came over the airman's face, "No, indeed."
     "I understand Xaviar got the Council to make one modification to the
new uniform policy in the Fleet?"
     "Oh yes," Reynolds said.  "We still wear Colonial battle dress for
official duties off the Constellation because that's in keeping with
wearing proper working attire, especially if we draw detached duty on the
Galactica.  But Xaviar said that we'd never have to wear Colonial dress
uniforms at any ceremonial function even if it took place elsewhere in
the Fleet.  I know Lieutenant Sanderson appreciated that when she
officially got her shuttle pilot wings on the Galactica."
     The psychologist nodded, "Sounds like a fair compromise."
     "Yes, and.....I think we all came away thinking that if we learn to
be sensitive to what the Colonials have gone through all this time, and
how the people who wanted to Turn Back can see us as friends who
empathize with what they went through......there won't be any bad feeling
the rest of the way to Earth."
     "So you feel okay about things in general, now?"
     "Yes, ma'mm, I do.  I've gotten some good words of wisdom from Jess
Clemens about what the right attitude should be about all this,
and......I'm okay with everything, now."
     "What about Jarvik?" Tarnia asked, "He used you to get you to talk,
and it was his report that made Lydia decide on you as the fall guy in
her plot.  He even went ahead and had his face altered to look like you
so that if he'd carried it out and taken a shot at Sire Xaviar, you would
have been blamed."
     Reynolds smiled, "But he didn't carry it out.  And....I know he had
his face done up to look like me, but he only went that far so he could
fool Lydia into thinking he was still on her side when he wasn't. 
I.....don't have any hard feelings toward him, especially now that I've
been told he's gotten his old face back from that plastic surgeon," the
smile then faded, "Not that I'd ever want to spend any time with him
again.  But I don't wish him ill."
     "That's understandable.  And it is best you never see him again
because in all likelihood you wouldn't be able to move past the incident. 
You'd always be self-conscious about it.  And so would he."
     "Truthfully, ma'am, the *only* thing about this whole mess that
would get me.....if you'll pardon my saying, pissed off, would be if that
Lydia bitch were still around.  She's lucky to have just disappeared
because if I ever saw her again, I'd......want to do things I was taught
by my Daddy that you *never* do to a lady."
     "That's interesting you feel that way," Tarnia put a hand under her
chin, "I would have thought you'd be upset she wasn't captured to face
Tribunal.  I won't mention any names, but some of your comrades have told
me that's what they wished."
     "Not me, ma'am," Reynolds shook his head.  "It would have meant me
being part of the proceedings, and learning all kinds of things about how
Lydia snooped into my file and why she targeted me.  After everything
else I went through, that's the last thing I would have wanted to go
through, because I would have probably lost my cool and-----," he
shuddered and shook his head, "Anyway, it's better for me that Lydia
disappeared and is out of the Fleet forever."
     "I understand, Airman," Tarnia nodded, "But I hope you don't spend
your idle time daydreaming about what you'd do to Lydia if you ever saw
her again."
     "Oh no.  Believe me, ma'am, I don't think about her.  I just know
the Good Lord above was looking after me when He kept things from getting
out of hand.  And I learned my lesson about what I did wrong to put me in
that position.  I'm over it.  Completely.  Whatever happens regarding how
we get to Earth......I'm just leaving that in the Good Lord's hands."
     The counselor smiled, "Then I guess we can consider this session
over and you can tell Commander Byrne he'll be getting a report from me
by tomorrow."
     "Thank you, ma'am!" he grinned.
     As soon as he was gone, Tarnia idly looked at the chronometer.  The
cycle was finally over for her.  Tomorrow though, would bring the
second......and hopefully the final phase of Sergeant Mattoon's
confrontation with his past demons.

Chapter Four

     "Rigel?"
     It took the Bridge Officer all of her self-control to avoid jumping
at the sound of Athena's voice.  The nightmare had come again last night
and while it didn't leave her waking up and screaming as she'd thought a
recurrence of it would cause, it had still left her mind distracted all
day long ever since she'd reported to the Bridge.  When Omega had tried
to make some small talk with her, she'd found herself unresponsive to her
boyfriend and that already left him concerned.  And now, she had to
interact with the person she'd once been programmed to kill.....and might
have if one word had been given to her.
     I'm going to need to see Tarnia again at some point, she thought as
she adjusted herself and faced Athena.
     "Yes, Lieutenant?"
     "Rigel, I want you take this list down to Sergeant Komma in
Security," she handed her several papers.  "These are all the known
survivors in the Resistance that Professor Ila has accounted for.  The
Commander wants Security to start working on notifying all relatives that
can be matched to these people.  And he wants Komma to mark off the ones
he's successful in finding relatives for on this paper copy so he can
have it for his personal files."
     Rigel felt relieved she was getting a request that would take her
off the Bridge for just a little bit.  From her standpoint, a walk down
to Security would give her a chance to clear her head and get herself
back to an even keel.
     "Right away, Lieutenant," she removed her headset and rose from her
chair.  As she left the Bridge, Athena's eyes followed her.  The
Lieutenant could tell that Rigel wasn't her usual spunky self.  Something
was clearly bothering her.
     She carefully edged her way over to Omega's console.  The man she
knew loved Rigel was stoically fixed on his monitor.
     "Omega?"
     The Bridge Officer turned around, "Yes, Lieutenant?"
     "No ranks," she said with concern, "Is Rigel okay?"
     He sighed, "She's.....been a bit distant of late, Athena.  I tried
asking her about it, but she said I couldn't help her with it."
     Right away, Athena could tell that Omega's instinctively shy,
cautious nature had kept him from pressing his girlfriend about it.  That
told her it was pointless to try and ferret out anything else from him.
     Some day, he's got to learn to stop being so cautious.  Or else he's
going to lose her.

     
     Rigel reached the corridor that would take her to the turbo-lift and
then down two levels to Colonial Security's main office.  Getting away
from the din of the Bridge and the crowds of people already was relaxing
her.  It especially felt good to be away from Omega and Athena for now. 
It seemed to take the pressure off her mind over what had been happening
recently with the two nightmares.
     How will they ever end though?  Damn it, why can't I remember *how*
it happened?  Why couldn't they have found out *who* was working for
Maris and did that to me?  If I just knew how it was carried out, it
would make me understand what it was I did wrong that put me in that
position.
     She stopped in front of the turbo lift and pressed the button.  As
she waited for it, she idly began to read the names on the list she was
supposed to give to Sergeant Komma.
     And then she stopped and her eyes widened in stunned horror.  
     "Oh my God," she managed to whisper.  
     So great was the sensation that filled her entire body it made Rigel
oblivious to the fact that the turbo lift doors had opened
     "Rigel?" a puzzled and concerned voice spoke up.  "Rigel, are you
okay?"
     She looked up and saw Sergeant Mackin, the reserve viper pilot,
staring back at her with deep concern.  She quickly took a breath and
collected herself as she stepped on the turbo lift.
     "I'm fine," Rigel managed a smile, "I'm just headed for Security
operations now.  Press the level for that for me."
     Slowly, Mackin pressed the button.  But the look on her face
remained concerned.
     "I'm okay, Mackin," Rigel said reassuringly, "Really.  It's
nothing."
     "All right," Mackin nodded and decided she'd gain nothing by
pressing her any further.
     The only thought going through Rigel's mind was whether she should
bypass Security and go straight to Adama's quarters instead.  She knew
that would carry a grave risk since to see the Commander without going
through proper channels would be a serious breech of protocol.  In these
circumstances it could easily get her into more trouble than she could
have asked for.
     But then Rigel realized that she didn't care.  She wanted the
nightmares to end.  And she wanted them to end now.
     She would go to Security operations first and do what she'd been
ordered to do.  But after that she planned on going someplace other than
the Bridge.

     
     Tarnia's morning session had seen her listen to three patients
before it was time for her to go back to Mattoon's private room for her
follow-up talk.  Where she hoped to hear him go further about his family. 
If he did that.......then that would be the time when she was sure she'd
be able to reveal what she knew about his best friend.....and his
daughter as well.  To tell him too soon before he'd fully exorcized all
of his inner demons could likely damage his long-term recovery.  But if
everything was out before he learned the truth, Tarnia was convinced
Mattoon would react the right way.
     Lords help me if I'm wrong about that, she thought as she entered
the room.  Mattoon she noticed had his legs out from under the sheets and
was slowly flexing them in the air.  Which was already a good sign from
her perspective.
     "Getting the feel of them back, Sergeant?"
     Mattoon looked over at her, and a faint smile crossed his face. 
"Yeah, Doc.  They told me to keep flexing them after I do the sessions
with the physical therapist."
     "How soon before you start walking on your own?"
     "They think in less than a sectan.  I got to admit.....it feels
pretty good at this point."
     She sat down across from him, "And is your sense of taste starting
to come back?"
     "Yeah," he admitted, "But.....I'd prefer a good cut of roasted
bovinus instead of protein concentrate."
     "Soon," she said, "Why don't we pick up where we left off?"
     He stopped flexing his legs and she could see some tension come over
him.  But it was the tension of someone who knew he had to get it over
with.
     "When I found out about the Colonies?"
     "Yes.  You found out the next morning after you'd been sleeping off
the Destruction of the Solaria?"
     "Yeah," his voice was a whisper.  "Sergeant Giles woke me up and
told me everything.  He was being a good guy again.  Knowing that it'd be
a lot easier on me if I heard it from someone I knew rather than a
Galactica pilot."
     "Did you think right away that your wife and daughter were dead?"
     "I.....knew it was more likely they were dead given what they were
describing of the devastation.  Because we lived in a high population
zone in District 8, I knew that a couple strafing runs in that area would
make that part of Caprica City go up like an inferno.  So.....I wasn't
feeling much optimism.  I suppose all the trauma over losing the Solaria
and everyone else aboard her was already conditioning me to be
pessimistic."
     "What did you do next?"
     "Well.....all of the non-Galactica pilots had to first report to
Colonel Tigh and log ourselves in.  The Commander I think had gone to the
surface of Caprica with Captain Apollo.  The Colonel decided the Columbia
pilots would stay together as a unit but because I knew Sergeant Giles he
decided I'd be grouped in Blue Squadron.  Our orders were to stand by to
make shuttle surveillance checks of Caprica to look for any heavy
concentrations of survivors."
     "Did you go down to Caprica?" Tarnia shifted in her chair and found
herself fighting an urge to cross her legs.  She didn't want to make any
kind of unintentional gesture that might be misinterpreted.  This was a
precaution she'd always taken for yahrens whenever dealing with male
patients.  More than once she'd run into her share who'd break the
pattern of a session by remarking how attractive she was, or who in their
sad naivete would confuse professional sympathy for something else.  That
was why in regular sessions she preferred to sit behind a desk.  It was
only because this had to be a bedside session that she had to be extra
careful.
     "I.....didn't land on Caprica, but I did fly a shuttle
with.....Starbuck, Boomer and Giles to do visual checks of the general
Caprica City environs.  If we spotted a mass gathering of survivors out
in the open or in some city blocks then we were supposed to guide them to
the aerodrome facility and take aboard some of the more wounded ones
ourselves.  And....the Lords bless Starbuck, he actually asked me if
there was a spot I wanted to eyeball during our flyover, and I told him
to take a pass over District 8 where my apartment was.  Well.....that was
just perfect for Starbuck because he wanted to eyeball District 7.  An
old girlfriend of his lived there.......I think it was that Aurora woman
who later turned up alive on the Celestra.  And Boomer's relatives lived
in District 4 so we were going to check that out as well."
     "What were you hoping to see?"
     "Oh.....I guess what I was hoping to see was a perfectly undamaged
section of town with people milling about.  In fact......I got Starbuck
to promise to set down in the middle of the street where my apartment was
if the building was intact.  I would have had  five centons to go inside
the building and see if there was any sign of them."
     "But it wasn't intact."
     "No," Mattoon shook his head and sighed sadly.  "One pass over
District 8 was enough to tell me there wasn't any hope.  My
building.....was half-caved in.  The surrounding buildings were even
worse.  So there wasn't any room to set the shuttle down and even if
there had been, we had explicit orders not to do any digging.  Our first
priority was to find uninjured survivors who were wandering about and
only handle the injured people who were with a group."
     Tarnia chose her next question carefully, "What about Lieutenant
Deval's building?"
     He seemed slightly surprised that she was asking him, "I......don't
think I gave Deval's building any thought that day, though Kobol knows I
should have since Esther had been such a dear friend and their girl Dani
was like a niece to Jana and me.  But.....I do have a kind of mental
picture of what the damage pattern was like in District 8.  And moving
back from where my apartment was......." he closed his eyes but this was
clearly in concentration.  A few microns later he'd opened them again,
"His building was practically leveled.  Not vaporized like some of the
adjoining blocks, but.....there was a lot of noxious smoke still rising
from there.  It's hard to believe anyone there oculd have lived."
     That ties in with what Ila said about why Deval's wife died after
she was pulled from the wreckage, the counselor thought as she kept
listening to Mattoon.
     "Of course I knew it was  possible that maybe Jana and Abby had made
their way with survivors to the Aerodromes, but......once Colonial
Security finished the job of logging every name into the database, I knew
I had to accept that they were dead.  So.....I learned to live with that,
and the only way I could do it was just......go back to my job and do the
best I could as a warrior to help us keep fighting the Cylons off where
we could."
     Tarnia's eyebrow went up and she decided she'd found something else
to zero in on.
     "That's all that mattered to you from that point on?" she asked.
     "What?" he looked at her.
     "Fighting the Cylons off.  Not helping our people escape to safety,
but.....fighting them off.  As if it was still a continuation of the war
as you'd always known it, even though it never was, Sergeant."
     He exhaled, "Nothing had changed from that standpoint to me.  I went
out to patrol for Cylons and if I saw them, I killed them, just like
before.  Maybe the bigger objective behind fighting them was different
now, but......it was still the same to me."
     "How many Cylons did you personally kill as a Galactica pilot?"
     "Oh, gosh.  At least five at Carillon.  Three at Kobol.  Four at
Gomorrah.  Four when we destroyed that lone baseship.  Two in the last
battle when suddenly I was told not to fire on half of the Cylons because
they were........" a look of distaste came over him, "Switching sides."
     "And it was a matter of pride to you, every time you killed a
Cylon?" Tarnia was raising the level of her voice just a bit.  "Something
you.....enjoyed?"
     "Yes," Mattoon was nodding his head without hesitation, his gaze now
askance.  But then his eyes narrowed and he turned back to look at the
counselor with a defensive air, "Look, I'm not saying I was ever for
doing something stupid and reckless just for the sake of taking them on. 
I'm just saying that.....whenever the opportunity presented itself to
kill Cylons, then yes, I enjoyed it."
     "It had to be for more than simple thrills," Tarnia pressed, "If all
it meant to you was a thrill.....then you wouldn't have cared if an
engagement was 'stupid and reckless' as you put it.  There had to be
something.....symbolic in what killing a Cylon meant to you.  Something
rooted in a higher principle."
     There was no response from Mattoon, who was now looking up at the
ceiling.  Tarnia didn't think it was defiance that was causing his
silence.  She could tell it was inner pain.  Pain from having to face the
truth of his actions and what they'd meant.
     "Remember always, Sergeant," her voice reverted to the caring,
friendly tone, "I'm your friend.  What you say is just between you and me
and is something you never have to repeat to anyone else."
     He looked at her, "Even though I can try your patience a lot?"
     "Everyone in my profession learned that impatience is a vice none of
us are permitted."
     Her words seemed to relax him, allowing him to gather his strength
once again.
     "Every time I saw a Cylon fighter blink on my attack computer, and
it was time for me to press the red button and kill then, I always said
one of two things," he said, "The first shot it was always, 'This one's
for Jana'.  The second one I'd say 'This one's for Abby'.  So.....every
time I killed one of them, I felt like I was......making it up to them. 
Letting them feel like they were still remembered and that the ones
responsible for how they died could pay for what happened to them."
     "And the Detente takes that away from you," Tarnia zeroed in,
"That's why you couldn't accept it.  Because if you couldn't kill Cylons
any longer......you felt like you'd lost......your whole reason for
continuing ever since the Destruction happened.  To derive the
satisfaction that killing them gave you."
     Mattoon wasn't looking at her which she knew was deliberate, "I'm
not going to disagree with any of that, Doc," his tone was one of defeat.
     "And that's why.....you felt you had to take things into your own
hands.  Even though you knew you'd die if you succeeded?"
     He kept looking at the ceiling, "My life hasn't been much since it
happened, Doc," he said, "Giles is the only bare acquaintance I've ever
had on this ship, but he and I didn't know each other well before he
transferred off the Solaria.  Maybe it would have been different for me
if......Deval had survived or just a *few* of the pilots from my ship. 
Then we could have bonded together the way the Columbia people do, and
the way those who are ex-Pegasus in the Fleet do.  I was always.....the
Outsider in the group.  I'm not saying I wasn't accepted or treated
wrong.  Guys like Starbuck and Boomer are good guys, but......it's just
never clicked for me.  And......not having any of my personal gear from
the Solaria.......that hurt too.  All my pictures of Jana and Abby went
up with the Solaria.  Things that helped me feel close to them whenever I
was away.  That hurt even more.  It got to a point where.....the only
time I could still feel close to Jana and Abby was when I killed a Cylon
for them."
     "So when the Detente started, you felt like you were losing that
forever.  Your only way of being close to them," Tarnia didn't find all
of his explanations too surprising, but it was still spellbinding to hear
these deeply personal revelations from him, "How did you handle the long
absences before that when we weren't facing the Cylons?"
     "I'd play a few exercises on the simulator to get it out of my
system," Mattoon said.  "It didn't matter to me if the Cylons lost track
of us.  But.....to have to face Cylons as a routine presence in my life?"
he visibly shuddered.  "I couldn't handle that.  I just couldn't.  I felt
like that was the final insult to Jana and Abby's memories.  I couldn't
share a picture of what they'd looked like to anyone.  I couldn't go to a
memorial site to pay tribute to them.  I couldn't talk with anyone who
remembered them.  All I could do was.....do something for them whenever I
killed a Cylon, and now all of a sudden......that was gone.  I couldn't
even use the simulator to vent anymore because after the Detente broke
out, the simulators were changed so we wouldn't be shooting at Cylons any
longer."
     "So you felt you had to restart the war......for Jana and Abby's
sake."
     Mattoon lowered his head and the pained expression on his face said
much to Tarnia.  It told her that he was past the point where he could
openly defend his actions to anyone.  
     But then again, Tarnia cautioned herself, there was always the
prospect that Mattoon was putting on an act.  For nearly a yahren he'd
been able to act like a catatonic patient and prevent her from taking a
chance on using some tough talk to break down the barrier.  There was
always a chance that he was just saying what he knew she wanted him to
hear for the sake of avoiding the Prison Barge.  And if he could avoid
the Prison Barge and avoid a treason charge.....then maybe the cause he
still deep down believed in, was achievable?
     That's why I've had to wait to tell him everything else.  I have to
get him this far at least.  So that if he *is* just faking this penitent
routine, the revelations will have a bigger impact on him.  And if he
*isn't* faking it......then they'll help him more than he could have ever
imagined.
     "Sergeant?" she gently pressed.
     "I.....was deluding myself into thinking I could restart the war all
by myself," he said, "But I wanted to die.  I wanted to see Jana and Abby
again.  I even.....wrote a letter to Jana just before-----," he stopped
and looked at her with concern, "Did you read that?"
     "I know about the letter," Tarnia wasn't going to lie to him, "But
Commander Adama destroyed it and he never showed it to me.  He felt it
was.....much too personal a thing to share with anyone.  Even me."
     Mattoon seemed relieved, "I'm glad to know that.  I.....said things
in it, that I'd never want to repeat even to you."
     "I understand," she said, "But.....you were preparing yourself to
die?"
     "Yeah......I put myself through some of the old Kobollian rituals
reminiscent of how the Ancient Lords would prepare themselves for
burial," he absently touched his moustache, "I grew this back because I
wanted to have it again when I died.  Jana loved it.  Thought it made me
look dashing and Abby loved to touch it.  I shaved it off the day after I
realized they were dead so I could try to move on, but......I wanted them
to see me again the way they knew me."
     "Is that still how you want it to be, Sergeant?" she could feel an
edge of tension inside her because she knew events were heading toward a
climax of some kind.  "If you wanted to.....would you still kill yourself
if you had the chance?"
     He looked her in the eye and took a breath.
     "Doc.....you've been very kind.  And this has been a necessary
catharsis for me.  I know what I did was wrong in trying to take my anger
out on everyone in the Fleet and putting everyone's life at risk.  If
they've learned to live with the tin cans in this.....Detente, then
obviously it's not my right to interfere with that.  But.....what life is
there for me in this kind of universe?  How could I adjust?  How could I
*not* have flashbacks to what I've lost and not have a sense
of.....worthlessness like I have now?  The whole universe has passed me
by.  I don't belong in it anymore.  I can never be a warrior again
because I disgraced what it means to be one and it's obvious I lost
everyone's trust.  I'm sure they feel sorry for me, but they know they'd
be fools to want me to work with them again."
     "There's more to life than just being a warrior, Sergeant," Tarnia
said, "And even when we've lost things that are dear to us.......we learn
to move on.  Like so many of us in this Fleet."
     "I can't," he shook his head.  "I'll never be able to, Doc.  Not
unless I had something I can never have again.  So....maybe I won't do it
tomorrow, but......it's the only fate I can see for myself.  And as good
as you are, and as kind as you are.......I don't see how even you can
make me avoid it.  I know that others may have suffered worse than I have
and have learned to move on with their lives, but......I don't see it
happening for me."
     Now it comes.  It has to be now.
     "Sergeant Mattoon," Tarnia said with all her strength, "There are
things about this universe you say you hate that I haven't told you
about.  But I'm going to tell you now."


     Rigel had delivered the sheets of paper to Sergeant Komma without
exchanging a word with Colonial Security's designated tech-wizard (much
to Komma's disappointment).  The Bridge Officer then, as she vowed she'd
do, headed straight for Adama's quarters and without any hesitation
inside her, pressed the chime.
     "Enter."
     Adama was studying something on his personal comp monitor when she
entered.  When he looked up, he was startled to see her.
     "Sergeant Rigel?" he couldn't recall a time when he'd ever seen her
off the Bridge.  "What bring you're here?"
     "Forgive me, Commander.  I'm committing a breach of protocol in
coming here, but.....a matter of great importance that requires your
attention has come up, and I must speak to you about it."
     "Sergeant," a disapproving scowl came over his face, "The proper
thing to do was to notify Colonel Tigh of your desire to see me and I
would have arranged it at the earliest convenience."
     "I know sir, but......this could not wait."
     "Then you'd better explain yourself *immediately*, Sergeant!" the
displeasure entered his voice as the angry scowl deepened, "If I find
your explanation unsatisfactory, you'll leave me with no choice but place
you on report, and subject to further disciplinary action."
     "I understand, sir, and I am prepared to accept your discipline if I
must," Rigel was at perfect ramrod attention, with her hands behind her
back.  "This concerns what happened to me in the.....Maris incident."
     Immediately the angry scowl disappeared from Adama's face.  
     "All right, Sergeant," he brought his fingertips together, "You've
got my attention."
     "Sir......I've been having nightmares about what I was programmed to
do, but thank the Lords didn't.  They've come back because I still don't
know *how* they did it to me or *why* they targeted me to be the one who
was supposed to kill Athena.  Colonel Alesis said he didn't know the
details because he left all that to an underling of his who's dead now."
     "Yes, Major Keitel," Adama nodded, "We looked into that as much as
we could, Rigel.  But it was a total dead-end."
     "I know, sir.  And for a while I was learning to live with that,
but.....not lately.  Not since......the announcement that Colonel
Alesis.....or I guess I should say Captain Betz, was  being relieved from
command of the Century.  That just reopened all the nightmares.  And
what's worried me is the thought that whoever did it to me is someone who
might still be in a position to use me again, even though I was
supposedly 'deprogrammed'."
     "I understand your concerns, Rigel," Adama's tone was more fatherly
now, but there was still some disapproval, "But you should be telling all
of this to Dr. Tarnia.  Not me."
     "Commander, I've already been seeing Tarnia.  The reason why I came
here is because.....Athena gave me that list of names in the Resistance
that your wife sent over from the Pegasus......."
     As soon as she mentioned the Resistance names, Adama's eyebrows went
up and all traces of disapproval within him were gone.
     ".......And before I turned it over per your orders to Security for
processing to help them look for relatives, I had a chance to see some of
the names and......sir, I'm convinced the man who set me up is on that
list."
     "Who?" Adama wanted to know immediately because this was something
he knew Ila had to know about.
     "Captain Antony, sir."
     

     "Sergeant Mattoon," Tarnia felt as if she were at a crossroads now,
"You've learned you can trust me, correct?  That whatever I say to you,
you can believe?"
     "Yes," he was completely puzzled as to where she was going.
     "Good.  You need to understand that, completely, Sergeant," she
paused, "A lot more has happened to the Fleet than just the continuation
of the Detente.  Things I've refused to let any of your med-techs or your
physical therapist tell you about, because I wanted to hear everything
about your situation in your own words, first.  I didn't want anything
you said to be tainted by what I'm about to tell you now."
     "Go on," he was clearly intrigued, but still puzzled.
     "Well to begin with, we've found a number of people who come from
Earth," Tarnia decided this was all going to be introduced gradually so
that Mattoon had the full context for everything before he got the big
revelation.  "Some of them came from lost space expeditions, and others
were Earth natives who were abducted yahrens ago by a hostile alien race
we've also gone up against several times.  Altogether there are some 60
to 70 Earth natives in our population now, and they're as anxious to get
home as we are to finding Earth."
     "Okay," the Sergeant nodded.  That was interesting information to
him, but nothing that he could find significant from his standpoint.  
     As if she'd sensed his most indifferent reaction to that news,
Tarnia added, "I'm telling you this so you can understand just how
important our goal of reaching Earth has become.  You've given me the
impression that whether we find Earth or not doesn't matter to you."
     "Not particularly," he admitted.  "Whether I spend the rest of my
life on the Galactica or a strange planet among strangers.....it's all
the same to me."
     "But more so with everyone else, and it remains our primary
objective especially since we're probably within two or three yahrens at
most of reaching it.  We've come through a lot of obstacles to get this
far, Sergeant.  We've tangled with at least four hostile alien races in
the intervening period and taken our share of losses.  Eventually, the
names Ziklagi and Risik in particular will become quite well-known to
you."
     He suddenly smiled thinly, "And having a baseship of Cylon allies
has made the difference.  Is that what you were about to say?"
     "It's helped," she admitted, "A great deal."
     "I'll take your word for it, Doc."
     Good.  "Now that brings us to the next important thing that's
happened.  We've re-established contact with the Pegasus."
     Unlike her comments about Earth, this produced a more visible
reaction from him.
     "They're alive?" he asked with pleasant surprise.
     "Yes.  We've had a breakthrough in communications that lets us talk
directly to them across very long distances.  Totally in defiance of the
known standards of physical science.  Apparently it's rooted in the forms
of technological communication our Kobollian ancestors possessed.  The
bottom line is we can talk to them and send messages to them any time we
want, even though they're moving in the opposite direction from us and
we'll never be able to physically reunite."
     He digested that information, "So Cain's still fighting his own
battles with the Cylons?"
     "Yes.  But that doesn't tell the whole story about them, Sergeant. 
You see.....they're going back to the Colonies to give help to
a.......Resistance movement."
     Mattoon suddenly came upright in his bed, his expression now
stunned.  And clearly wanting more information from her.
     "They learned about this Resistance movement because they
intercepted a one-person shuttle sent from the Colonies that was looking
for the Galactica but instead found the Pegasus because they were closer. 
The person inside was Commander Adama's wife, Professor Ila, who was
presumed dead in the Destruction."
     "Wait a micron," this was going much too fast for Mattoon as he
waved his hands.  "There's a Resistance movement fighting the Cylons in
the Colonies.....and Commander Adama's wife is alive?"
     "That's what I'm saying, Sergeant.  And we've been able to talk to
Professor Ila and learn a great deal about the Resistance movement. 
Apparently, there are Cylons in the Colonies just like the ones on
Baltar's baseship who aren't too happy with what the Cylon Empire's been
doing.  As a result, many Cylons are giving assistance to the Resistance
and that's enabled them to survive and fight back against the High
Command."
     He shook his head disbelievingly, "More Cylons.....helping."
     "It just goes to show that not all Cylons are alike, Sergeant,"
Tarnia felt the beginnings of a surge within her because all of the
preliminaries were over now.  She'd gone as far as she could in setting
things up and now it was time to bring everything home to the moment of
truth.
     "Now we come to the final piece of news I have for you," she said. 
"And before you get mad at me for not telling you this sooner.....I'm
only going to tell you that it had to wait until the right moment.  When
I'd had a chance to hear you say everything you *had* to say to me first
about what you've gone through.  And then I'd know if you'd be able to
handle what I'm about to say now."
     "What?" his voice rose, "Tell me what?"
     Tarnia looked him in the eye, "Your daughter is alive."
     Mattoon's eyes rolled upward slightly before his body collapsed back
into the pillows in a dead faint.

Chapter Five

     It took Adama considerable self-control to not show an inappropriate
reaction to Rigel's revelation about the same man he'd already spent a
good deal of time trying to learn more about, and for reasons that were
rooted completely in the personal.
     When he spoke, the commander was as calm and dispassionate as if the
name had meant absolutely nothing to him.
     "You're referring to the man named Colonel Antony on the list,
Rigel?"
     "Yes," Rigel still stood at attention.  "He was Captain Antony at
the time."
     "And....you're sure he's the one who was responsible for your
being......brainwashed?"
     "Yes sir, I am.  For some time, I've felt there was only one place
where this could have happened, and it wasn't until I saw his name on
that list that it finally came back to me.  I think it was a mental block
on who it was that kept me from remembering, but now that I've seen the
name, I'm suddenly remembering a lot more."
     "All right," Adama said, "But....before we go any further, I'd like
to point out  the name Antony is not unique.  The Antony who is
associated with the Resistance is not necessarily the one you're
remembering now."
     "Commander, I'm convinced it's the same man," Rigel shook her head,
"It says in the write-up that he's about forty yahrens old and his last
assignment was at Caprica District Headquarters.  The age is right and
the Antony I met was the staff officer at District Headquarters when I
went to have my transfer order to the Galactica processed."
     "And what do you remember specifically that makes you believe that
it was at District Headquarters when you were.....programmed?"
     "A lot, sir," she said, "A lot of it is coming back to me now and
quite vividly.  It's as if....I'm feeling an after-effect of my earlier
hypno-therapy being released now that I've overcome the mental block on
who the officer at District Headquarters was."
     Before Adama could reply, he heard the com-line from the Bridge
buzz.  He answered it and saw a visibly annoyed Athena looking back at
him.
     "Commander, I've got a problem up here.  I sent Rigel down to
Security to turn over some documents and she hasn't returned yet.  I'm on
the verge of putting out a Security unicom announcement but wanted to
clear that with you first."
     "Stand by, Athena," her father put the transmission into a "hold"
mode and then looked over disapprovingly at the bridge officer.  But it
was with the air of paternal disapproval rather than the disapproval of a
commander to a subordinate.
     "We'll resume this later at my convenience, Sergeant," he said
gently, "You've every right to have this matter settled and it *will* be
settled.  But at a more appropriate time."
     "Yes, sir.  I'm sorry, sir!" her posture grew more rigid.
     "No need, Sergeant.  This information is important for reasons that
go beyond your case.  However.....because you left your post without
orders, your duty shift for today is extended an additional two centars."
     "Yes, sir!" she saluted.
     "At ease," he ordered and she finally relaxed but the troubled look
remained.  
     "Rigel," all disapproval was gone from him, "Unofficially and off
the record......you did the right thing coming here."
     "Thank you, Commander," she said with gratitude and relief.
     "Now get yourself back to the Bridge immediately.  I'll notify you
to come when I'll be revisiting this matter."
     "Yes, *sir*!" the beautiful brunette nodded vigorously and was gone
from the room as quickly as she could leave it.
     Adama sighed and released the hold on Athena's message.
     "There'll be no need for a Security announcement, Athena.  Rigel's
on her way back."
     "Thank goodness," his daughter said with relief, "We're all getting
concerned about her.  Omega especially."
     "I think you'll find her in better spirits.  In the meantime,
Athena, I need you to do this.  Find out the status of Captain Betz and
have him report to me as soon as possible.  Also, I'll be needing both
Apollo and Dr. Tarnia when Betz arrives."
     Athena didn't answer at first.  Adama knew why since the very
mention of the name Captain Betz told her what it had to be about.
     "Father," she asked quietly, "Does this have anything to do
with----,"
     "Yes," he cut her off.  "I'll fill you in on the details later,
Athena."
     He switched off the tel-com and leaned back in his chair, bringing
his fingertips together as he let out an incredulous sigh.
     So there's even more to Colonel Antony than I could have expected. 
And if it's true that he was interested in Ila......Good Lords of Kobol
is it possible it was for a more sinister reason?
     So much to ponder.......and the frustrating thing from Adama's
standpoint was that it could well be many sectars before the final
answers to his questions could become clear.
     And in the meantime, he knew that eventually he'd be forced to have
a talk with Ila that unlike all their previous conversations, was not apt
to be a pleasant one.
     Damn.


     "Sergeant?" Tarnia gently patted his cheek with her right hand while
holding the vial of ammonium under his nose.  "Sergeant?"
     Slowly, Mattoon came to and looked up at her immediately with his
eyes bulging in disbelief, "Tell me I didn't dream what I heard you say!"
     "You didn't dream it, Sergeant," the counselor settled back in her
chair.  "Your daughter Abby is alive.  I wish I could say the same about
your wife, but I can't."
     "But....how?  *How*?" he wanted to reach out and grab her, but it
was only because of his respect for Tarnia as a woman that he held
himself back.  "And how could you know?"
     "Because Professor Ila, who is aboard the Pegasus and been in touch
with us, has seen her," Tarnia emphasized.  "Abby was rescued from the
wreckage of your apartment by Lieutenant Deval."
     His shock deepened, "Deval?  He's alive too?"
     "Yes.  And he's the leader of the main Resistance faction on
Caprica."  She took a brief pause, "The reason you got separated from him
was because he decided to go to Caprica."
     Mattoon was clearly in a daze as he shook his head, "He ran out on
me," he whispered.  "He actually ran out on me."
     "I wouldn't hold a grudge against him over that, Sergeant," Tarnia
injected a note of coldness in her tone, "If Deval hadn't 'ran out' as
you say he did, your daughter wouldn't be alive.  He went to Caprica
because he realized what was going to happen to the Colonies and wanted
to see if his family was safe.  According to Professor Ila, he found his
wife alive inside his home but she eventually died from toxic fume
inhalation.  He never found his daughter.  But he clearly thought enough
of your family to then go digging in *your* apartment complex because
that's where he found them.  Jana was unfortunately dead, but Abby was
alive and he's been looking after her ever since, even though he has a
lot of responsibilities as the head of the Caprican Resistance faction."
     She could see Mattoon trembling as the magnitude of this revelation
sunk in.  And then he began to ramble some more.
     "When I saw the apartment when Starbuck and I flew over it, and it
was caved-in.....that means she was alive in there!  And I could
have----,"
     "No, you couldn't have!" Tarnia cut him off rapidly and grabbed his
shoulders.  "Remember what you said about your orders?  You could only
land and check if the apartment was *intact*!  Starbuck wasn't going to
let that shuttle land under any circumstances for a digging expedition. 
You weren't going to get a chance to look.  You're looking at the chalice
half-empty, Sergeant.  Try concentrating more on the part that's
half-full.  Your daughter is *alive* because your best friend was willing
to go looking for her when he had trauma of his own to deal with.  And
he's taking care of her now!  Think about *that* and compare it to what
you've been believing all this time!"
     She let go of him and she could see Mattoon slowly sink back into
the bed.  Letting her words sink in.
     "Now before we go further, we need to understand the reality of the
situation, Sergeant," Tarnia was in full teacher mode.  "The Galactica is
*not* turning around.  We're proceeding to Earth because that's what a
majority of the population wants to do, and because there are too many
risks for us involved in going back.  But the Pegasus is going back to
the Colonies to help the Resistance liberate them with help from Cylons
who've defected.  Now someday..... *someday* when the Pegasus arrives in
the Colonies, it will be possible to get a communications link in place
and when that happens, I'm sure every effort will be made to let you
speak to Abby.  But we're talking a minimum of at least a yahren, and
maybe longer.  That element is *out* of our hands.  What you need to do
is to keep on living, Sergeant.  Living for your daughter so that when
the day comes when it will be possible to talk to her.....you'll be able
to look at her and be proud of her just as she'll be able to look back
and be proud of you!"
     Tarnia let her words hang in the air and then went on in the gentler
mode.
     "That's the reality that exists, Sergeant.  I know it's not a
perfect reality for you.  If it were perfect, I'd be able to tell you
that Jana is alive too, and that it's possible to speak to them both
right now.  But I can only give you things as they are, and what they are
is something you should be getting down on your knees and thanking the
Lords above for.  Your daughter still has a life ahead of her.  She's
being looked after by someone you *know* you can trust because you called
him your best friend on the Solaria.  And if you keep trusting in the
Lords, then some day you'll be able to see her again and it *won't* be
because of some suicide ritual you were preparing yourself for."
     And then, another gentle touch on the shoulder.
     "Your place is with the living, Sergeant.  You still have something
to live for.  That's what Jana would want you to do.  Your learning about
Abby is the first step in the process.  Making sure Abby knows about you
is the next step.  And one day, you'll both be rewarded."
     The man who had many times been a decorated warrior for his bravery
under fire and his generally unflappable nature in a cockpit and who had
kept all of his inner emotions bottled up inside him for so long, finally
for the first time allowed them to be released as he collapsed sobbing
into Tarnia's arms.  The sobs of one undergoing catharsis and release.
     As Tarnia held Mattoon and let him expend his emotions, she found
herself grateful that she'd done right by him in guiding him back from
the abyss.  So much could have gone wrong.  So much could have gone the
other way if her instincts had proved wrong or if she'd said the wrong
thing at the wrong moment.  But the Lords had given her the strength to
do right by her patient.  And now, she could see that he was on the road
to a recovery that had once seemed impossible.
     Thank you, God, she thought as she held him.  Thank you.
     When she returned to her office a half-centar later, she felt
drained.  Of all the cases she'd handled since she'd taken on the task of
becoming the Fleet's Primary Counselor, this one had taken more energy
out of her than any of them.  She was ready to mentally unwind for the
rest of the day.  To get her mind off the problems of others.  To let her
think about.....herself.  And how lonely and isolated she could often
feel because she had no one in her life to offer the shoulder for her to
cry on when she needed it.  How despite the fact that so many would tell
her that she was an intelligent and attractive woman, she had no social
life of her own.  Too many people she interacted with, especially the men
she had tried to date in the pre-Destruction past, couldn't get past
seeing her as a counselor first and a woman, second.  They always seemed
to *expect* her to give advice to them about their problems or feared
that in any kind of relationship, she'd be quick to analyze them because
of her professional instincts.
     I love my work but.....it can be so exhausting, she thought as she
hoped she could have some needed respite this evening.
     But a message from Adama requesting her presence quickly changed
that, and with another reluctant sigh, she found herself boarding a
shuttle for the Galactica yet again.


     Adama glared at the man seated across from him who had just finished
answering his questions.  Answers that had left the Commander less than
satisfied.
     "Colonel Alesis," he said calmly, "Are you trying to tell me that
not *once*, in all the time you were Commander Maris's deputy, you kept
yourself up to date on *how* these sleeper agents of his were recruited?"
     "I was more than just his deputy, Commander," the man who was known
to the rest of the Fleet as Captain Betz said defensively.  "Maris was my
uncle, too."
     "I'm aware of that," the Commander said patiently, "And that of
course was why you kept protecting his identity as well as your own for
much too long.  Never realizing that he ultimately planned to reactivate
those agents of his in a would-be coup.  Collaborating with a traitor in
Sire Uri......"
     "Commander," Alesis cut him off with irritation, "Didn't I go
through this already last yahren?  I signed a full statement and
cooperated.  I went through Fleet Records and helped you root out the
last traces of any agents from the program who were still a potential
threat.  I held *nothing* back.  And in return I was assured there'd be
no charges filed against me but that I'd have to give up command of the
Century once the military situation was stable and a successor trained to
take my place.  Now that I've had to go through that painful experience
in the last sectan, the last thing I expected was to get raked over the
coals again about something  I don't have anything more to say about.  I
just want to start my new duties on the Academy Ship and live the rest of
my life in peace."
     "Unfortunately, Colonel, there are some people still not able to
live their lives in peace because of what Maris and you did for all those
yahrens on Caprica!" Adama raised his voice to a near angry level, and
watching from the other side of the room, Apollo felt himself wincing in
disbelief.  He still had no idea why Maris's nephew and former deputy had
been summoned to reopen the matters of this case, which stemmed from
Maris's illegal drug treatments of Caprican Special Force warriors to
turn them into mindless "super warriors" and in which several had died as
a result of the illegal experiments.  How Athena and Starbuck had
accidentally learned about the program in the period just before the
Destruction and found their own lives placed in jeopardy as a
consequence, which had seen their minds drugged in an effort to erase
their memories.  But to insure that a "back-up" contingency was in place,
other "sleepers", including Rigel had been put into place to insure that
if Athena or Starbuck ever remembered what they'd seen......they would be
eliminated.  Those contingencies had still been in place even after the
Destruction when Maris and Alesis had survived and found themselves with
new identities aboard the Senior Ship and Century respectively.  And how
Maris had tried to get those old contingencies implemented as part of a
delusional conspiracy with Sire Uri to use old sleeper agents to bring
Adama down.  Which for Uri would serve the added benefit of insuring that
his own past crimes involving his own parallel treason plot to that of
Baltar's remained hidden.
     Despite all of the near tragedies that had arisen from the aftermath
of the Maris conspiracy, which had ended with Uri's suicide and Alesis
disposing of Maris, Apollo had long since considered the matter closed
once Alesis furnished the names of all the sleeper agents that still
existed in the Fleet, which included the unsuspecting Rigel. 
Deprogramming had followed and Alesis was allowed to return to his life
as Captain Betz aboard the Century, albeit with the proviso that his days
of command would eventually end.  The Maris incident had receded into the
distant past for Apollo given everything else that had happened since,
starting with Baltar's defection and the Detente.  But now, to his
surprise, his father was reopening the matter.  And as he watched and
listened to him, Apollo was getting the distinct feeling that something
unrelated to the Maris conspiracy was driving his father.
     But what?
     Alesis was still incredulous as he tried to understand Adama's
anger.  "All right, Commander.  What else do you want me to say?"
     "I want you to explain how it was possible for Major Keitel to have
such free rein over planning the recruit operations, and for you and
Maris not to have known how he went about it."
     "I *told* you, Commander, it was to make sure there was no
connection between a sleeper and myself or Maris," Alesis hoped this
would be the last time.  "I couldn't very well allow a document to exist
in Fleet Records revealing that I or Maris had arranged for someone's
transfer to a ship where we wanted them to take action if necessary. 
That was all Keitel's job.  All I wanted from him was the list of names,
their code words for activating them, their current assignments and
*nothing* else.  He kept all other details out of my office."
     "Very well," Adama said with displeasure, "And you are thus, totally
incapable of offering *any* suggestions as to *how* Keitel carried out
your orders?"
     "That would be empty speculation on my part, Commander," Alesis held
his ground.  "It wasn't my job to do any of that.  My job was
coordinating the activities of the Special Forces, and that included the
ones who were *good* as well as the bad ones in our ranks.  I'd like to
remind you there was a good deal of the Special Forces that *wasn't*
corrupt.  That's the reason why I wanted someone like Keitel who could
keep all the dirty parts of our operation out of the main office."
     "Father----," Apollo tried to interject, wishing Adama would bring
this to an end.  But the Commander impatiently waved his hand to indicate
silence.
     "Then let me put this to you, Colonel," Adama said, "Is it not
beyond the realm of possibility that Keitel would have needed someone on
the inside at District Headquarters in order to carry out any of these
tasks that you ordered him to do?"
     "That would have been helpful, yes," Alesis admitted.  "I obviously
can't confirm that, but it would have been a logical place for Keitel to
have someone on the inside working for him."
     The Commander leaned forward, "At *any* time that you can recall,
did the name 'Captain Antony' come up in any discussions with Keitel, or
in any other context in your office?"
     "Antony?" Alesis frowned.  "No.  Not that I can recall."
     "That's not good enough for me, Colonel.  Concentrate hard until you
can tell me with absolute certainty that you never heard the name
'Captain Antony' once."
     Alesis threw up his hands, "Sir, I could *never* be absolutely
certain.  In the military you always hear names and go over rosters and
unless there's a reason for one of them to stand out, you won't likely
remember one over the other."
     "He was staff officer at District Headquarters," Adama said sharply,
"It was his job to finalize transfer assignments.  Including that of
then-Corporal Rigel when she was transferred from missile station duty on
the Rycon to the Galactica Bridge!"
     So that's it, Apollo thought.  But the way he says his name, it
can't just be because of what happened to Rigel!
     Alesis was taken aback, "Well.....the name isn't familiar to me,
Commander, but.....obviously if that was his position, then yes, I
couldn't rule out that Keitel would have made someone like him part of
his team.  It would have obviously helped getting the would-be sleepers
where we wanted them to be," he paused, "Is this Captain Antony somewhere
in the Fleet now?"
     To the surprise of Alesis as well as Apollo, the anger and fury
disappeared from Adama.  Instead he turned away from him and his voice
dropped to a mundane, matter-of-fact level.
     "That will be all, Captan Betz.  You're free to go and this matter
is now closed."
     Alesis, his expression dubious, slowly rose from his chair.  He kept
his eye on Adama as he made his way to the door, as if he thought the
Commander would throw him one last surprise before he exited.  But to his
relief, Adama said nothing, and the man with the past he was trying to
keep secret for his future, was gone.
     "Father," Apollo came up to him, "What was *that* all about?"
     Adama sighed, "I was testing him, Apollo.  I had to be convinced
beyond any doubt that Alesis held nothing back from us that would have a
bearing on what I'm interested in now.  Now that I'm convinced he told us
everything, he can go back to his new assignment in peace."
     "Do you really think it was a good idea to force him to give up the
Century?"
     "That was part of the plea agreement, Apollo.  If we hadn't stumbled
into the Detente just a few cycles after we exposed the whole Maris
affair, I would have made him give up the Century then.  It's only been
out of practical necessity that his reassignment's been delayed until
things were stable and Captain Janus was fully trained to replace him."
     "But hasn't his work since then merited reconsideration?" his son
pressed. 
     Adama shook his head, "There was never any chance of
reconsideration, Apollo.  In fact.....you may as well know this.  When we
got everyone connected with the Maris affair to sign secrecy oaths, the
one person who required the most persuading was the one who'd suffered
the most from his treachery."
     Apollo right away knew who his father meant, "Croft."  The head of
Elite Squadron had once been a loyal and honest member of the Special
Forces who had not been aware of what his Commander had been up to, and
when he'd reported what he thought was the work of disobedient
underlings, Croft, along with his wife Leda had found themselves banished
to an ice garrison.  Setting off a chain of events that had seen Croft,
Leda and two others, Wolfe and Thade take part in an attempted robbery of
a Cylon platinum mine that had seen all of them end up arrested and
imprisoned......where they still had been when fate had tapped them to
take part in the mission to destroy the Ravashol pulsar on Arcta.  A
mission that had seen only Croft survive.  He had won his commission
back, but lost the woman he'd loved in the process.  Ever since, Croft
had performed his duties admirably and taken on the new task of heading
the Fleet Intelligence Unit group, but there would always remain scars on
the Major that would never fully heal.  Scars that had been directly
caused by Commander Maris and those in his inner circle.
     "Exactly," Adama said, "As far as Croft was concerned, Alesis was
just as responsible as Maris for the fact that he'd eventually lost Leda. 
He didn't like it that Alesis would still be allowed to maintain his
identity as Captain Betz and wouldn't face charges.  To get him to sign
the secrecy oath, I had to assure him that eventually Alesis would be
relieved of command once the time was right.  When we finally cleared
Risik space for good, that's when it couldn't be put off any longer."
     Before Apollo could say anything else, the door slid open again and
Tarnia entered.  Apollo noticed how exhausted the counselor looked.  As
though she'd been through a very long and hard day.
     "Commander, I'm sorry I'm late.  I was tied up with Sergeant
Mattoon's case, and then I had trouble with the shuttle connection."
     "That's all right, Tarnia.  What you missed was purely preliminary." 
He pushed the unicom button, "Attention.  Sergeant Rigel will report to
the Commander's office, immediately."
     "This concerns Rigel's case?" the counselor asked as she brushed
back a strand of her usually well-coiffed hair that had become
disheveled.  A testament to how drained she still was from her session
with Mattoon and the hurried rush she'd gone through to get to the
Galactica.
     "Yes," Adama nodded, "She came into my office earlier today and said
she finally remembers how Maris's operatives got the chance to program
her."
     "And that's why you were grilling Alesis with all those questions
about this.....Captain Antony person?" Apollo added things up.
     His father nodded, "That's who she says it was.  I didn't have time
to let her give me the details earlier today, but she's going to do it
now in your presence, Doctor.  And I want you to hear this too, Apollo
since you were involved with the original investigation."
     Inside, Apollo was still certain his father was holding something
back.  Even though he'd been deeply involved with the original
investigation involving Maris, this still struck him as a tangential
matter that didn't require his presence.  He could understand getting a
summary on this later, but why he had to be around for this, he still
wasn't sure.
     I guess he'll tell me the real reason he's fixated on
this.....Captain Antony, later.
     "Before Rigel gets here I should let you know something important,"
Tarnia said and then glanced over at Apollo, "Captain, did your father
tell you about Sergeant Mattoon's daughter?"
     "Yes, he told us the other night that you were working on his case
to see if he'd respond favorably to that." 
     "Well he has," Tarnia felt pleased she could share this, "I've made
a breakthrough with him.  I think he's now on the way to recovery."
     "That's wonderful, Tarnia!" Adama brightened.  "So he knows about
his daughter?"
     "Yes.  And.....I've made it clear what the situation is regarding
his ability to learn more about her.  And.....I think he realizes that if
he ever does want to talk to his daughter again, he has to keep living
and wait for that moment when it finally comes."
     Adama and Apollo continued to shower her with congratulations about
Mattoon for the next two centons until Rigel finally arrived.  Adama told
the Bridge Officer to sit down and make herself comfortable so she could
tell in her own words exactly what she now remembered about her
experience that had resulted in her brainwashing as a would-be assassin.
     "I was serving on the Rycon in missile control when I received my
orders reassigning me to the Galactica.  Because the Rycon was in Space
Dock at the time getting a refit to be prepared for the Armistice
ceremony, that meant final processing of my transfer had to go through
Caprica District Headquarters and I couldn't just shuttle over from the
Rycon to the Galactica.  I went straight from the Rycon to District
Headquarters in Caprica City and I was told by the duty officer to report
to Captain Antony in the Staff Section on the fifth floor."
     "Let's stop for just a micron," Adama held up his hand.  "Before you
left the Rycon, did anything unusual happen that would indicate Maris's
inside man could have been stationed there?  I want to make sure we've
eliminated all other possibilities."
     "No sir, no," Rigel shook her head emphatically.  "My last two
cycles on the Rycon before the orders came down were spent primarily in
the Rejuvenation Center playing Table Ball with my friends from Missile
Control.  I didn't encounter any strangers, nor was I alone with anyone
other than my bunkmate, Callie, until I left the Rycon for the last
time."
     "Continue, Sergeant."
     "I took a shuttle down to the Caprica City Aerodrome and then a
military sky bus that ran direct from the Aerodrome to District
Headquarters.  When I arrived, the duty officer sent me to the Staff
Section Office on the fifth floor and it was Captain Antony who let me
in."
     "There was no one else in the office but Captain Antony?" Tarnia
asked, trying to summon some of her stamina back.  
     "No one else," Rigel said.  "That should have told me something.  I
think there was an outer office area with space for at least two or three
secretaries, but.....Captain Antony was all alone and he took me back to
his inner office."
     "What happened next?" this from Apollo, who was growing fascinated
by her account.
     "Well, I remember how perfectly dressed he was.  His uniform had
creases in places I'd never seen them before.  He looked.....impeccable. 
Hair perfect.  Perfectly shaved.  And.....he had some rather powerful
cologne that was hard to ignore.  He was.....definitely trying to make an
impression on me."
     "'Pretty Boy Antony," Adama muttered under his breath.
     "What did you say, Father?" Apollo frowned.
     "Nothing, nothing," Adama waved his hand again.
     "Did you find him attractive?" Tarnia asked, knowing she was the
only one in the room who could ask that question without making her feel
uncomfortable.
     Rigel let out an involuntary chuckle, largely devoid of mirth,
"Well.....I couldn't deny he looked handsome, but.....there's a
difference in finding a man attractive and being attracted *to* him, and
I certainly wasn't with him."
     "Was he giving a bad vibe or making you feel like you were in any
kind of danger?"
     "No," the beautiful brunette shook her head, "That was my mistake. 
I was just.....too naive to think a Colonial officer would do something
like that.  All of my experiences with warriors had been positive in
Recruit Training and on the Rycon.  I.....clearly wasn't prepared for
what I know happened next."
     "What happened?"
     "I......gave my name and what my orders were and he nodded and
opened up his desk to get them.  He seemed to be taking his time going
through his files.  And.....I think I began noticing how warm it was in
his office.  As if he had the heat up for some reason.  I can remember
starting to feel uncomfortable with my jacket on but I wasn't going to
take it off.  I....remember, he was still going through the files in his
desk and then he glanced up at me and seemed to notice how uncomfortable
I looked.  He asked if he could get me anything.  And....that's when I
asked if there was a water dispenser someplace and......he pointed to one
on the other side of the office and I got up and got some water from
there and......that's when I know it happened."
     "He drugged the water?" Adama asked.  "You're sure of that?"
     "I'm sure," Rigel nodded.  "All these yahrens I've had this nagging
feeling in the back of my mind I lost a few centons that day but I could
never pinpoint where or how.  But now.....now I can remember finishing
the water and throwing the cup into the wastebasket, and going back to my
chair in front of his desk......and the room seemed to move slightly and
I closed my eyes to try and fight off what seemed like a dizzy spell. 
And......today it came back to me when I finally remembered Captain
Antony's name that......I could hear a door opening but it wasn't the
door behind me to the outer office, it was.....in front of me as if there
was a door near the Captain's desk.  And two men were talking, but even
now I still can't remember the words.  One of the voices was Captain
Antony.  The other....an older, harsher sounding man.  I.....can remember
opening my eyes for just a micron and closing them again because I still
felt dizzy but I had just enough time to see a bald man in what.....kind
of looked like a med-tech tunic.  A really.....ugly looking man."
     Adama looked over at Apollo and immediately his son was nodding.
     "Dr. Excerebro," Apollo said aloud, "Maris's inside man at the
Caprican Medical Center.  That description matches him perfectly."
     "And Alesis already said he's dead, so we don't have to give him any
further thought," Adama said, "Continue Rigel."
     Rigel nodded, "After that.....the next thing I can remember is
looking straight ahead at Captain Antony and he was smiling politely and
telling me that my papers were in order and that I was to report back to
the Aerodrome by 0800 the next day to catch a transport to the Galactica. 
And that was it.  Until today everything I recalled about that visit was
perfectly normal until those lost memories of getting a drink from the
water dispenser and having that dizzy attack finally came back to me."
     "Theoretically, you should have recalled those memories under
hypno-therapy," Tarnia said, "It's clear your failure to remember Captain
Antony's name was blocking that memory even under therapy.  As if
forgetting his name was part of your programming so you could never, if
placed under investigation, link the brainwashing to your visit to
District Headquarters.  You were to treat Captain Antony as just a
faceless bureautician who stamped your orders for approval and made no
impression on you."
     "And all I had to do was see his name on Professor Ila's list to
remember?" Rigel was still finding all of this amazing.
     Apollo, who'd received no heads-up about Antony's name being on a
list of Resistance members sent by his mother, was caught off-guard by
Rigel's throwaway reference.  Now, some of the mystery behind his
father's behavior began to make sense.  But he still had the
uncomfortable feeling there was more to it than that.  He decided to say
nothing for now.
     "This is only speculation, Rigel," Tarnia said, "But it may be that
it required seeing the name 'Antony' with a specific link to District
Headquarters that acted as a trigger for unblocking those memories.  Had
Professor Ila's summation left that part of Antony's background out, you
probably wouldn't have reacted to the name at all."
     "Maybe so," Rigel sighed and looked up at the Counselor again, "What
does it all mean from this point on?"
     Tarnia smiled reassuringly, "Rigel.....I think it means you
shouldn't be having anymore nightmares.  Now that you know *how* it
happened to you, you know it wasn't because of any mistake you made.  You
were following your orders as they'd been given to you with no reason to
believe that someone in a position of authority would take advantage of
you the way Captain Antony did."
     Rigel nodded, "I guess so.  And.....thank the Lords, it wasn't
because he took advantage of me in an......" she struggled for the next
words, "Inappropriate way."
     "No," Tarnia acknowledged.  "But.....if you hadn't gotten a cup of
water, he undoubtedly would have tried some other approach to make
you......vulnerable."
     "Bastard," she said the word with clear hate.
     "He can't do anything to you anymore, Rigel," Adama said gently,
trying to block out the underlying issues of concern to him, "As you know
from the list, he's not in the Fleet any longer and can't do anything to
you."
     "I know, Commander," she said, "But.....what about other people who
worked with him?  Is it possible there are others still in the Fleet I've
forgotten about?  Are there people Antony knew who were also aware of
what he did and-----,"
     "Don't worry about that, Rigel," Adama gently cut in, his voice
soothing and paternal,   "Everyone else who was part of Maris's
conspiracy is either dead or has been dealt with.  As far as you're
concerned, this entire affair and your unwitting part in it, is all in
the past.  You have no reason to ever be troubled by it again."
     Rigel tried to come to terms with his words,  "I appreciate what you
say, Commander.  But.....can I ever truly escape all of it?  The only
reason why I'm on the Galactica is because I was picked to be a potential
assassin and-----" she broke off and shuddered.
     "Rigel," his tone grew even more gentle, "All that's mattered to any
of us is what you've actually *done* as a valuable member of our crew,
and as a loyal friend to so many.  Whatever the circumstances were that
caused you to be first assigned here.....I thank the Lords that it
happened, because if it hadn't......we'd have one less member of our
extended family among us."
     The Bridge Officer looked deeply touched by his words.  She could
even feel the beginnings of a tear in her eye which she blinked rapidly
to get rid of.
     "Thank you, Commander," she said with gratitude, "That means a lot
to me."
     Adama smiled, "You can go now and enjoy yourself the rest of the
day, Sergeant.  My order extending your duty shift is now rescinded."
     She rose from her chair and started for the door but then stopped
and looked back at him, "Commander, if it's all the same......I'd rather
finish my shift."
     "Oh?" he lifted an eyebrow.  "Any particular reason?"
     Rigel forced a smile, "Yes sir.  There is.  Someone
else.....volunteered to share my extended shift with me."
     Adama nodded in understanding.  Everyone knew she was talking about
Omega.
     If you have half a brain in you, Omega, you won't ever let her get
away,  Apollo thought.
     "Very well, Sergeant.  Dismissed."
     Her smile brightened and she gave him a firm salute before leaving.
     "Well," Adama said aloud, "That would appear to settle matters
regarding the Maris affair, once and for all."
     "But not about Colonel Antony," Tarnia noted, "In light of his role
with the Resistance, it's obvious you'll want to mention what we now know
about him to your wife."
     Adama kept a perfect Pyramid face, "Perhaps so, Doctor. 
But.....that's something you don't have to concern yourself about."
     The Counselor looked at Apollo, who seemed deeply confused.  But she
knew that whatever else Adama wanted to say about Antony would be for his
son's ears only.
     "Then I'm free to go?"
     "You are.  Thank you for coming, Tarnia.  And.....thank you again
for your help with Sergeant Mattoon."
     "It was my pleasure," she then added, "Before I go, Commander, there
is one thing.  If you can get your wife to record a message personally
for Sergeant Mattoon so she can tell him everything she knows about Abby
and what she's seen regarding Commander Deval's looking after her, that
would be a big help.  He needs to hear everything he can from a firsthand
source."
     "I will mention it to her," Adama promised, "Good evening, Doctor."
     "Good evening, Commander."
     As soon as the door closed and father and son were alone, Apollo
looked over at Adama with deep suspicion.
     "Father----,"
     "Yes, son, there's a lot more to talk about," Adama sighed, "A lot
more."


     All day throughout his shift, Omega had felt a churning mass of
anxiety deep inside him.  For the last several days, the woman he cared
so much for had been troubled about something she didn't want to talk
about.  And he wasn't sure whether he should respect that, or whether he
should be bold with her and tell her that he needed to know because he
cared that much for her.
     That's always been my problem with her.  I'm too cautious.  Too shy. 
Too careful.  It took me almost a yahren after the Destruction to finally
ask her out for a date, even though she'd been making eyes at me for
sectars begging me to do it.  It's why even now, after all the dating
we've done, there's only a kind of......silent understanding between us. 
I've never been able to find the strength to tell her openly how I really
feel about her.
     His guilt over that was why when she'd returned to the Bridge and
received a punishment of an extended shift, he had insisted to Athena and
Colonel Tigh that he put in the extra centars as well.  He wanted to be
next to her during what he knew was a troubling time for her.  And when
the shift was over.....he wanted to find the strength to say things he'd
never been able to say to her before.
     When she'd left again in response to the Commander's unicom
announcement, he felt his inner tension increasing.  Was she about to
receive more discipline for disobeying orders? 
     "Omega, I told you to have Fleet speed reduced by one-fourth."
     Colonel Tigh's voice shook him out of his mental drift and he
quickly implemented the order he hadn't heard the first time.  Trying to
not flush a deep red of embarrassment.
     That really proves how stuck I am on her, he thought as he made an
adjustment to his console.  And then he stopped and realized that he
wasn't being honest with himself.
     Stuck isn't the right word.  I love her.  I absolutely love and
adore her!  
     "Hi!"
     He looked over to his right and he saw Rigel descending the steps
from the upper deck so she could sit down at the console next to his. 
Unlike earlier in the day when her expression had been troubled and
withdrawn, there was only a buoyant smile lining her beautiful face.  A
happy spring in her step as if a weight had been taken off her shoulders.
     "Hi," he managed to smile back at her as she settled into her seat. 
And then he turned away from her and looked straight at his console,
"Everything go okay?"
     "Everything's great," from the corner of his eye he could tell she
was still looking at him.  Still smiling.  "Nothing's bothering me
anymore.  I couldn't be better."
     "I'm glad to hear that," he managed to say as he kept his eyes
forward.  Feeling that tight, locked-in sensation that always came over
him whenever he was this close to her.
     Damn you, why don't you let her know how you really feel?
     Impulsively, he reached over and squeezed her hand.  Rigel, who had
finally turned away from him and started looking at her console, felt a
rush go through her as she felt his hand clasping hers.  She slowly
turned her head back to face Omega who seemed on the verge of trembling,
but who was still keeping his body upright and facing forward.
     "I love you," he whispered, and then finally forced his head to turn
so he could look into her eyes, "I love you, Rigel."
     The beautiful brunette felt her eyes glistening as she smiled
adoringly at him.
     "I love you too."
     For the first time, his posture relaxed and an air of confidence
came over Omega.
     "We'll talk later."
     "Yes, we will." Rigel nodded.
     He let go of her hand and the two of them went back to work for the
rest of their shift.
     One level above, both Tigh and Athena, who had seen the whole thing
unfold were both smiling and resisting the urge to break into applause.


     "How much more is there, Father?" Apollo was still bewildered.  
     "A lot," Adama sighed, "And......it's putting me in an awkward
position, Apollo.  Telling your mother that a prominent figure in the
Resistance was involved in an assassination attempt against Athena isn't
the kind of news I'd enjoy sharing with her."
     "Then don't tell her," his son said firmly, "Mother doesn't have to
know that.  Not now at least.  And if Antony's doing good work in the
Resistance, does it really matter what he did before the Destruction? 
They don't go by the same rules we have to go by."
     "True, they don't.  Even if someone committed an actual termination
pre-Destruction it wouldn't make any difference to them any longer. 
Still......" he trailed off.
     "What?"  Apollo pressed, "What's there to discuss?  Don't tell her. 
She's got enough things to worry about in the near-term, especially since
the Pegasus is still a long ways off from reaching the Colonies."
     His father didn't answer him.  He was looking away from him
completely, seemingly lost in another realm.  It was enough to make
Apollo feel very uneasy.
     "Father," he knew he had to choose his words carefully, "What *else*
do you know about this Colonel Antony?"
     Adama felt torn inside about what he should or shouldn't say to his
son.  Everything he'd been wondering about Ila and Colonel Antony was
rooted entirely in speculation.  Speculation rooted in a firm belief that
absolutely nothing had gone on between them but an attempt by Antony to
seduce her that Ila had turned down.  But because he was convinced of
that, he was becoming more convinced of other things without any actual
basis for believing them.  If he voiced those concerns to Apollo, he'd
likely receive a well-earned rebuke for them.  If he'd expressed them to
Tarnia, he'd likely get explanations or advice he wouldn't be
automatically inclined to follow.
     I've made more of this than I should, probably.  And the last thing
I want to do is make Ila think I don't trust her, or that I'm bothered by
this.  But......the problem is I *am* bothered by this.  That's what's so
terrible about it all.
     "Father?" Apollo pressed again, "You're not telling me something."
     Finally, Adama waved his hand with a dismissive air, "There's
nothing else to say, Apollo.  I'm just concerned about what my
responsibility it as to whether I should tell her about this, because
I've already done that with other Resistance figures we know have shady
pasts like Ashera and  Baltar's cousin, Count Mikkos.  If I'm to be
consistent, I have to tell your mother everything.  But whether that
would be a jolt for her.....that's what I'm not sure of."
     You're holding something back, Father, Apollo thought.  It's not
like you to do this.
     Apollo wanted to challenge him on this point to find out what the
real reason was, but the fact that this concerned what Adama was going to
say to Ila held him back.  However much he wanted to be candid, he also
had enough respect for the basic idea that it wasn't the place of a son
to tell a parent how to talk to another parent.  This was clearly
something that fell more in the category of private business between his
father and mother.  He had to respect that.
     "What are you going to do?" he found he had nothing else he could
ask, short of provoking a needless argument with him.
     Adama turned in his chair to face him at last.  "Contemplate the
matter.  Turn to the Lord and pray for insight.  And then......I'll make
the decision I think best.  There's nothing else I can do."  He then
smiled. "Go spend some time with Sheba and your children, Apollo."
     Reluctantly, his son nodded and left the room.  Once he was alone,
Adama let out a sigh of relief that his son's respect for his elders had
kept him from voicing his speculations about how much further Ila's
relationship with Antony conceivably went.  
     Realistically, he was coming to the conclusion that to not tell Ila
the hard facts he had learned about Antony's role in the Maris plot would
do her a disservice.  He had been candid with her in the past about other
Resistance figures with dark secrets of their own like Count Mikkos and
Ashera.  He had also opened up to her about his own dark secret regarding
Major Dorian that he'd kept for so many yahrens and which had nearly
resulted in his being charged for a murder he didn't commit.  Ila had
also gone through so many other shocking revelations and weathered them
that he knew she could handle the news that a man who was a valuable part
of the Resistance movement had a dark secret of his own that had nearly
impacted the life of Ila's daughter.
     That much he would tell her.  As for what he had been letting his
mind speculate about Antony and any possible interest he may have taken
in Ila......he would say not a word or even hint that he had ever
harbored such suspicions.  He owed her that much at least.  
     With a rising level of confidence, he switched on the message
recorder, picked up his microphone and began to dictate.
     "My dearest Ila........"

Epilogue

     "Sergeant Mattoon, my name is Professor Ila.  I'm Commander Adama's
wife, and as I'm sure you've been told, I was part of the Resistance
movement based on Caprica for nearly three yahrens until I was sent into
deep space in the hope of reaching the Galactica.  As it turned out, I
was intercepted by the Pegasus instead, which is where I am now, headed
back to Caprica so the Pegasus can become part of the Resistance.
     "I am sending you this message at the request of my husband and Dr.
Tarnia to give you my personal assurance that your daughter Abigail is
alive and well, and living in our underground community based in the old
Caprica Agricultural Institute.  Your former wingmate on the Solaria,
Lieutenant Deval, is now Commander Deval and is our leader.  But in the
midst of his pressing duties as the head of our Resistance faction, he
has gone out of his way to become a surrogate father to little Abby.  I
know for a fact this is because he values deeply the friendship he knew
with you aboard the Solaria, and the friendship his family shared with
yours over so many yahrens.  He is not a man prone to share his inner
feelings and emotions much, but what I've witnessed from working
alongside him for nearly three yahrens tells me that Abby is in good
hands in his care, and the care of everyone else who is part of our
community.  This is not to say that Abby hasn't had issues of her own in
adjusting to life as we know it in our underground shelters.  But that
makes her no different than the rest of us, adult and child alike who
went through the horrible experience of the Destruction.  I believe that
with Commander Deval's guidance, driven by the memories of his friendship
with you, he will see to it that Abby becomes a fine young woman.  And
with the help of the Lords, the members of the Resistance will see to it
that when Abby becomes a fine young woman, it will be in a Caprica freed
from the terror of Cylon occupation and rule.
     "Tempered with my good news that I have to offer you regarding Abby,
is the sad news I must also give you about the death of your wife, Jana. 
Having lost my youngest son the same night you lost your wife, I know
what it's like to feel the pain such news brings you.  We've all felt and
experienced that pain in one form or another.  And yet.....in the miracle
of Abby's survival, and the miracle of our ability to communicate over
such vast distances now, I think you can appreciate anew what it means to
still have hope despite the painful scars that never fully heal
themselves.  And the ultimate expression of that hope will come on the
day when I will personally see to it that you are able to talk directly
to Abby on Caprica, and that from that point on, you and your daughter
will be part of each other's lives again despite the physical separation
that for now, can't be overcome.  But speaking from my own experience,
where I must know the same physical separation from my husband, my
children and my grandchildren, I have learned to look instead at the joy
being in contact with them still brings me.  And I know that when that
day comes for you and Abby, you will also look more at the joy than the
sorrow.
     "The Lords bless you and keep you always, Sergeant.  Just as they do
your little Abby."
     The video message ended.  Tarnia, who had already pre-screened it
and decided it was safe to let Mattoon see it without any edits, had been
staring at the Sergeant's face the entire time.  Watching his reaction to
get her best judgment as to whether the message from Ila about Abby was
more help than hindrance to him. 
     When the message ended, Mattoon turned to face Tarnia.  His face had
an air of peace and serenity that the counselor had never seen before. 
     "Thank you, Doctor," he said with quiet gratitude.  "Thank you for
making this possible for me."
     "The Lords made it possible, Sergeant," she said, "I was just the
carrier of the good news to you."
     "But you gave it to me the right way," he said.  "If you
hadn't.....talked tough to me and forced me out of that hole I crawled
into......I wouldn't have believed any of this.  You could have told me
Abby was alive and I wouldn't have believed it.  You could have played
that message in my ear a million times and I wouldn't have believed it. 
But.....you knew you had to get me back from the abyss first and back
into the real world before I could confront the news.  And.....I'll never
thank you enough for that, Doctor."
     Tarnia allowed herself a faint smile of satisfaction.  But as
always, she knew that the only answer she could give him needed to be
steeped in humility.
     "It's my job, Sergeant," she said, "And I'm glad I was able to do my
job well for you.  And whenever you need my help again, or just need to
talk......I'll be here for you."
     "Thank you," he repeated, "You're a wonderful woman, Dr. Tarnia."
     "Take care, Sergeant," she gave him a final wave before leaving the
room.
     It was only when she was back in the privacy of her office, that she
felt like collapsing from both the exhaustion and the burden of being so
depended on by so many people in the Fleet who expected so much of her. 
And never able to know the meaning of having someone she could depend on
to meet her needs.


     Aboard the Constellation, Sergeant Metxan, the Colonial Security
Guard assigned to the ship as deputy master-of-arms, pressed the door
chime of the executive officer's quarters.  Over twenty microns went by
before the door slid open and he found himself looking into the
sleepy-faced visage of Captain Dante.  The executive officer was wearing
a robe and was clearly not happy to have been awaken.
     "What is it, Sergeant?" Dante mumbled.
     "I'm sorry sir, but.....I have a message for your wife."
     Dante lifted an eyebrow, his annoyance giving way to confusion,
"What for?"
     "Personal matter, sir.  I understand she's spending the weekend with
you, which is why I was asked by Security to deliver this."
     Dante idly shook his head and turned around, "He wants to talk to
you!" he called over.
     A few microns later, Dante's wife, Lieutenant Hunley, also looking
tired from too little sleep, came up to the doorway.  As a viper pilot
based on the Galactica, she was required to spend five of every seven
cycles aboard the Battlestar.  The other two she got to spend with her
husband aboard the Constellation.  
     "Yes?" she pushed a lock of her disheveled hair away and stifled a
yawn.
     "Lieutenant Hunley......you have a relative on Gemon named Anders?"
     Immediately all the sleepiness disappeared from Hunley as well as
her husband.  "Yes.  Yes!  He's my second cousin.  And his sister
Magdalena is living in the Fleet."
     "That's what we thought, but because of your warrior status, we
wanted to go to you first for confirmation," Metxan said.  "Professor Ila
reports that Anders is alive on Gemon.  According to her, he's the leader
of the Resistance faction on that planet with a woman named Ashera."
     "The Lords be praised!" Hunley felt a surge of excitement going
through her, "Thank you for telling me this!"
     "Of course we can't offer any confirmation of what's happened to him
and the rest of the movement since Professor Ila left Caprica, which was
well over ten sectars ago," Metxan cautioned.  "And it's going to be
awhile before the Pegasus will get there to provide any new information."
     "No, I understand that, Sergeant, I do," Hunley's mind was racing at
light speed.  "Thank you for letting me know this!  Thank you."
     "Of course," Metxan glanced at Dante and to his relief, the
executive officer was smiling, "Sir."
     "Good night, Sergeant."
     As soon as the door slid shut,  Hunley's excitement continued to
bubble over, "Anders alive!  I always sensed it somehow.  That the spark
in him had never died."
     "Yes," her husband tried to keep his emotions in check, "You were
right.  And that means......you can't hold back any longer.  You *must*
use the power you two share to try to make contact.  We can learn so much
about the Resistance before the Pegasus even gets there."
     "And tell them that help is coming," Hunley slowly collected
herself, "But----,"
     "But what?"
     "Can I reach him from so far away?  And......is he capable of
receiving me?"
     "If he's the leader of this faction on Gemon, he *has* to be using
the full scope of his mental capabilities," Dante said.  "At the very
least, you have to try."
     "I must," the woman born to the Otori Sect nodded.  "Lords yes, I
must!  But if I'm successful......then what do I do?"
     Her husband had no answer because he knew that presented a dilemma
for his Otori wife.  She had the ability to learn information of vital
importance......but to reveal it would mean revealing a secret about
herself that could easily put herself at risk.  That her advanced
intelligence was even greater than she'd let on to anyone else in the
Fleet.  Only Dante, her sister Lala, and Magdalena, brother of Anders,
knew about her special gift rooted in telepathic contact.  A gift that
Anders shared as well.
     Anders was older than his sister Magdalena - exactly seven yahrens -
and had been conceived during the same 'blessed' time of Sun-storm that
had produced Hunley's older sister Lala.  He was tall, dark brown of hair
and eyes, athletic and charismatic, to say nothing of having been born
something of a prodigy. While he was never arrogant about it, he just
seemed to always know things when she knew him growing up, particularly
how to do complex math quickly in his head.  It hadn't hurt that, as a
male, he was given more - though not much - leeway than a female in
showing 'defiance' of the sect's restrictive ways.  Given his good looks,
natural charm and seemingly unlearned alpha-male confidence, he'd had no
problem making friends as an adolescent, despite the 'suggestion' that
Otori limit their associations with non-adherents.  She'd become close
with him, feeling a connection early in their acquaintance, before she
even knew what they had in common.  It was in the dark times after her
mother's suicide that she came to learn from her cousin that what she'd
perceived as a 'turbo-blast' of intelligence following her childhood
trauma was much *much* more.  Something he could describe perfectly, for
he too had gone through the same experience.
     He would, in the wake of the events that saw them both escape the
Otori community along with Lala, sponsor her for the Colonial Military
Academy, which he'd entered a yahren earlier - though not out of a sense
of patriotism. At the time, what he'd wanted most was an education and
accreditation, as well as a Triad court to showcase his athletic talent
with a view toward a lucrative professional career. Later, though, he was
offered a highly secretive position with the Fleet Intelligence Unit. His
exposure to the so-called 'spooks' resulted in a wholesale change of
attitude.  Anders never told her exactly what it was that brought about
this change, he only told her, in their last conversation just twelve
sectans before the Destruction, that there was something on the horizon,
something potentially 'game-changing' that could potentially win the war
for the Kobol's Twelve Colonies.  What that was though......Hunley had
never found out.
     Now.....with the knowledge that Anders had survived and still lived
somewhere on Gemon, Hunley knew it was possible to learn the answers to
so many questions before any one else in the Fleet or even on the Pegasus
could know.  But to do so.....would carry its own risks for herself. 
Once before, Hunley had found herself at risk from the fanatics of the
Otori because she had abandoned the sect.  Now.....even though the danger
from Otori fanatics was far in the past, she knew she could easily be a
target for the unscrupulous elements that surely existed in the Fleet
because of her telepathic gift.  A gift that could be exploited for
purposes rooted in evil.  
     As she and Dante went back to bed, it gave her a chance to think
about who she might seek out for advice.  Not Commander Adama or anyone
else in the ranks of political or military leadership.  Not Tarnia who
likely would have approached things in a more clinical way.  But someone
who could more easily relate to the meaning of her gift in an empathetic
way.  Someone she'd wanted to meet for some time.  And who had a
connection to a friend of hers in her viper group, who had recently
graduated from the cadet program, Ensign Luana.
     She would go to the Malocchio the first thing in the morning and see
the Empyrean Wise-Woman, Ama.
     
     
     Adama had just turned in for the night when suddenly his sleep
period was disrupted by the sound of the overnight cycle chime from the
Bridge.  Unlike the normal telecom chime, this one was louder and
purposefully designed to wake him up from the soundest of sleep.  He
bolted up and wondered if this meant the Fleet was under attack, before
he remembered that if that were the case, a Red Alert klaxon would be
sounding.  When he reached his desk, he hurriedly answered it, "Yes?"
     "Commander, I'm sorry to wake you," the apologetic voice of the
Night Watch duty officer said, "But your wife is contacting you on the
Pegasus circuit."  
     Adama felt all traces of residual sleep evaporate, "Thank you,
Lieutenant.  Give me a centon, and I'll take the relay here."
     He hurriedly threw on his robe and quickly straightened his hair so
that he'd look presentable.  Wondering what it was that would make Ila
decide she needed to use the more power-consuming mode of live chat.  And
then.....he remembered that by now, she would have had time to read every
part of his last message to her.
     With trepidation, he turned on his desk light and then turned on the
monitor that would relay the Pegasus transmission to his monitor.
     "Hello, Adama," Ila smiled brightly at him, "I'm sorry if I got you
up.  I didn't realize it was the night cycle where you are now."
     "It's all right, Ila," he smiled back, "Any time is always perfect."
     "I'll keep it as short as I can," his wife took a breath, "About
your last message.....and what you had to say about Colonel
Antony......."
     Inside, Adama felt his body tense.
     "Adama......thank you for sending that to me.  I needed to know."
     He felt a wave of relief pass through him, "Ila.....believe me, I
don't think what he did then has any bearing on his importance to the
Resistance now."
     "I don't think it does either, Adama," she said with gentle
reassurance.  "Antony is a brave man and a courageous warrior who's
always performed well under fire.  My view of him as a Resistance leader
won't change because of his role in this.....ancient matter of the past."
     "I'm glad of that, Ila," Adama's relief deepened.
     "But.....that's not the reason I felt I had to make this a live
chat."
     He felt some of his trepidation return.
     "Oh?"
     She sighed, "Adama......the first night we talked to each other, I
told you I've been true to you all this time and I meant it.  But.....I'm
sure it wouldn't surprise you that in that time......I've had my share of
offers."
     Adama smiled weakly, "A woman of your beauty and intellect Ila.....I
would have been surprised if you *hadn't* received any."
     "You're such an easy flatterer," she smiled, "But.....at any
rate.....the one who was the most persistent was......Colonel Antony."
     He was amazed to hear her reveal this.  He had purposefully made
sure  his message gave no hint of suspicion on his part that Antony had
been interested in her.  Nor had he offered any knowledge of Antony's
reputation as 'Pretty Boy Antony' as Barton had called him.  He'd tried
so hard to be totally dispassionate and confine the subject of his
message to the revelations about Antony's role in the Maris affair.  And
yet, Ila had managed to see right through him.  She'd gotten her version
of the vibe he'd received from her in their previous live chat.
     "Antony.....from what I gather, has always fancied himself a ladies
man.  Even more than Starbuck at his peak did.  But.....he was largely
going the gentle, romantic approach with me.  I guess because I am a
decade older than him, he thought a different approach was better than
the women he was typically involved with in the past.  But.....to make
this story shorter and simpler......when Dr. Ravashol came up with his
shuttle that was designed to send an emissary from our group out into
space in the hopes of finding you so you could learn about the
Resistance.......Antony kept trying to talk me out of going.  And more
than once, he kept using the excuse that he was in love with me and that
I needed to forget about a forlorn hope of being able to reconnect with
you.  That I should think instead of what he and I meant to each other
now, on Caprica.  He.....was keeping it up all the way to the night
before I went into suspended animation and was launched into the stars. 
But every time he pleaded.......I told him no.  And I told him to stop
trying to influence me." 
     Adama didn't dare let himself say a word.  He wanted to hear
everything first in her own words.  His legs were so locked with tension
that he wouldn't have been able to rise from his chair if he needed to.
     "And ever since I made my decision to go back to the Colonies with
the Pegasus, I've had this......fear inside me about what Antony will say
to me when I return.  Because.....I'd convinced myself that Antony would
interpret my decision to go back as a sign that I cared more for him than
I did you, which of course isn't true.  But if Antony believed that, and
tried to use it as a way of picking up where he left off before my
departure from Caprica......then he'd be putting me in a terrible
situation when I return.  And yes......I was worried about that, Adama. 
And that's the reason why the list I sent you has such a short entry
about Antony.  I just......didn't want to focus on him or leave you any
impression  he was anyone important to me.  But.....I guess my tactic
backfired and made it seem suspicious."
     "I never thought it was suspicious, Ila," he jumped in and said with
tender reassurance.  "And I've no right to be jealous of anyone who sees
in you what I've already seen for so long.  I'm so sorry I gave you that
impression.  Please forgive me."
     His wife let out a  laugh of total irony.  "Adama......oh, Adama,
dear sweet love of my life.  You're so afraid of being jealous, you don't
realize why I'm glad you told me about Antony's involvement with that
plot?"
     Her husband frowned.
     "Adama," Ila smiled gently, "That news is the best news I could have
heard as far as easing my burden for when I get back to Caprica."
     "Ila......I don't follow you."
     "Don't you see, Adama?" she kept smiling, "Now I know the *real*
reason why Antony kept throwing himself at me and tried to keep me from
going.  He's not really in love with me at all.  He didn't want me to go
because he was afraid I'd find you and discover Athena was dead because
of something he was involved with.  Because how could he know for sure
Sergeant Rigel's programming never kicked in and that our daughter was
alive and well?  But if I never left Caprica.....he could keep that
secret safe forever."
     Finally, everything clicked for Adama.  And with it......the sense
of a needless burden leaving every part of his body.......just as he
realized that a needless burden had also left Ila's.
     "I don't think he was being evil or malicious," Ila went on, "I
think deep down.....Antony feels guilty about the role he played in that
whole business.  And if I returned to the Galactica and found out Athena
was dead because of something he'd done.....that would have been a
terrible burden for him to cope with, given how close we *have* been to
each other as members of the Resistance.  But.....when I get back, Adama,
I know I can be honest with Antony.....and I'll tell him that he has to
be honest with me about *everything*.  For the sake of our ability to
keep working together in the Resistance."
     She then smiled again.  "The important thing Adama......is I know
where I stand.  Just as I know where you stand.  And.....we can be
content with that."
     "I am," he had to hold back the tears from forming in his eyes, "I
love you so much, Ila."
     "'My cup runneth over with love,'' Ila softly sang the last line of
their song.  And then, she blew him a kiss and gave him a final wave
before she ended the transmission.
     It was a long time before Adama felt strong enough to rise and get
back to his bed.


Fleeing from the Cylon tyranny.....the last Battlestar.....Galactica,
leads a  ragtag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest.  A shining
planet.....known as Earth.