Baltar's Gift    
by Robert Hanczyk
6/30/98

    What does one do with a little red trolley who zings and
Zangs around the place DINGing his presence?
<DING Ding Ding DING>
    That's right. You send Mr. Trolley to Baltar as a "gift."
-------
     Lucifer made his dignified entry through the glass doors
into Baltar's main audience chamber always lacking in decor.
Baltar knew Lucifer was waiting for the famous words, but
tried to make the head of lights become impatient.  It was to
no avail.
     Baltar swung around on his high chair.  "Speak."
     "By your command," Lucifer said as he bowed.  "We
detected an object looping around this ship.  We intercepted
and examined it."  Lucifer paused.
     "Out with it, I don't have all day!"
     To himslef, Lucifer whispered, "You don't have anything
else."
     "WHAT WAS THAT?"
     "Yes.  It is a gift to you from an anonymous admirer."
     Baltar's evil, wicked, dastardly smile spread across his
Face.  "An anonymous admirer, hm?  Well, where is the gift?"
     Mr. Trolley rolled his way into the chamber as if on
cue.  Faster than a tumbling Cylon, Mr. Trolley circled
around the base of the high pedestal of Baltar's chair.
He began doing doughnut spins and flopper tails as his
fast spinning wheels failed to find good traction on the
cold deck.
     <ding ding ding>
     "What is Hade's Hole is that, Lucifer?!?!?!?"
     <ding ding ding ding ding>
     "Your gift. Is it not what you expected?" Lucifer
replied in a very innocent voice.
     "I can't even see it!!!" Baltar shouted as he leaned
forward in his chair in hopes to catch a glimpse of
what was circling the base.
     Mr. Trolley continued showing no signs of stopping.
He knew his mission.  He extended his distance from the
base and increased his speed to compensate for the
additional area to cover.
     Lucifer suggested, "Perhaps, if you turned with it, you
could see it."
     "I was just about to do that."
     Baltar sat back in his chair and began to do a slow
rotation.  He gradually increased the speed to try and match
that of the "gift."  Soon, the chair spun too fast for Baltar
too keep his feet down.  He lifted them into the chair as
the speed increased beyond its limits.  Faster and faster
Baltar swirled around and around.  He tried to reach the
stop button on the arm of the chair, but failed.  The G-force
of the spin kept him pinned.
     Baltar squeaked, "Lucifer... Stop... This..."
     "I'm afraid I am unable to comply.  That type of order
is not in my programming."  The lights in Lucifer's head
brightened as did the upper half of his mouth to make it
look like a smile.
     It was not until the chair motor broke did Baltar cease
spinning.  He was green in the face.  Baltar's feet sloppily
hit the base.  He doubled over to throw his weight forward
enough to get him out of the chair and onto his knees.  That
chair was the last thing he wanted to be on.
     Lucifer looked up at the pitiful excuse for a leader.
Out of undeserved courtesy, he asked, "Are you feeling okay?"
     Baltar had enough energy to lift his head while clutching
his stomach.  He head spun enough to make him lose his
balance and fall off the high pedestal to floor at Lucifer's
feet.
     "Oh my.  You are not looking good."
     Baltar only moved his mouth.  "You... have... not...
heard... the... last... from... me!"