me today.  I guess he must have heard that I
was upset about waking up alone.  He just kept
apologizing for not being able to stay.  I understood,
duty came first.

Cassie had not left my side since the surgery so I
finally encouraged her to go to her quarters and get
some sleep.  She refused to leave me, until I pointed
out that she hadn't had a chance to catch a turbowash
or run a brush through her hair.  I teased her about
needing to look good now that she was a free
commodity.  She just gave me a sad sort of wistful
smile at that comment.

But it worked.  She finally left me alone.  I didn't
waste a micron.  The moment I was sure she was out the
door I got up and started searching for my uniform.
Cassie had been kind enough to get me a new one,
neatly folded and waiting for me.  I nearly passed out
in my haste to get out of that bed, my vision blurring
when I stood up.  I grabbed onto the biobed and waited
for the dizziness to pass.

I even thought maybe I was crazy as I walked likeI don't really know how it happened.  I didn't mean
for it to happen.  But, well, he's so much fun, and I
really needed some fun that night.  I know I can
flirt, but I wasn't being totally serious.  Okay,
maybe a little serious, but not that serious.

It's just that, well, there we all were headed over to
the Rising Star for an evening to relax.  Boy did I
need it.  I had done two long patrols back to back.
Bojay had volunteered us for the second one.  Oh did I
have a few words for him once we were back out in deep
space!  I know he's trying to prove to Commander Adama
how the pilots from the Pegasus are more skilled and
can handle double the duty than the Galactica warriors
can handle, and I agree with Bojay.  But just this
once, could he prove his point without including me?
He knows that I have feelings for Apollo and would
like to someday be included in Apollo's family.  I
don't want to add anymore differences between Apollo
and I than there already are.

So there we were all headed o a
drunk those few steps to get my clothing.  But I had
to talk to Apollo.  I couldn't let him go out there
with things the way they were between us.  Bojay had
filled me in a little on what was going on.  But I
could also read between the lines of what he was not
saying.  Even Bojay knew this was serious.  I could
see the sympathy in his eyes.  He knew I had lost
Apollo, and if he knew, then so did everyone else, and
then it was final.  Then it was over.  And I was not
ready for it to be over.  At least not without me
talking to Apollo first.  I had to hear it from his
own voice that we were through.

And I needed to explain to him what happened.  I
needed him to understand why it had happened.  I guess
it didn't really matter to me in my distraught panic
that I didn't even know why it happened.  I guess I
thought I would come up with something once I found
him.  I just had to find him before he left.  I had
to.

I was able to get my clothing on, but almost lost it
trying to pull my bover to the Rising Star,
Apollo Athena Cassie Starbuck Boomer, Bojay, and me.
It's not often Apollo can find a sitter for Boxey, so
I was really looking forward to spending some time
with Apollo.  Only he was obsessed that evening with
some theory he and his father have been discussing
about when we find Earth and how to integrate our
people.  Commander Adama and Apollo both seem to think
that Earth won't be ready for us and welcome us with
open arms.  They both seem to think that finding Earth
will provide us with even more problems than we
already have.

I do believe in the dream of Earth, especially since
our encounter with the ship of lights.  But, I guess
I've had too many conversations with my father.
Finding Earth will mean nothing if we still have the
Cylons on our tail.  If we don't solve the Cylon
threat once and for all, then all we are doing is
leading the Cylons straight to Earth.  We need to be
attacking them and wiping them out before we find
Earth.  I thought after our victots on.  But I did it, and made it
out the door of the Life Station without Dr. Salik
noticing.

I was weaker than I thought I was, I made it about
halfway to the landing bay before my head began to
swim and the deck swayed beneath my feet.  I reached
for the bulkhead and tried to steady myself.  For a
moment I thought we'd been hit by a cylon rocket, but
as my vision started to get gray and blurred around
the edge, I knew it was just me.  I stood there taking
in deep breaths, closing my eyes so I wouldn't get
naseous from all the swaying.

That's when Starbuck found me.  I guess my knees had
buckled at some point and he picked me up from the
ground.  Gently he put his arms around me and without
saying a word helped me up to lean against him.  He
was sturdier than the corridor wall for me.  He held
me there, stroking my hair.  I'm not sure what he
said, I just know that it something soothing and soft.

He noticed when I got a little stronger on my feet.

"Are you okay?"  I nodded my heory over the basestar
and the huge rise in moral in the fleet, that Adama
would go more on the offensive.  But instead, he's
been trying to put as much distance between the fleet
and the Cylons as possible, racing towards the
coordinates we received from the ship of lights.

So, I really wasn't in the mood to discuss theories on
what to do when we find Earth.  I tried to add some to
the conversation during dinner, but Apollo went out of
his way to expound on why my father's ideas on wiping
out the Cylons were stupid and insane.  Oh, he didn't
say that straight out, but I got what he meant.

And as always seems to happen when we all get together
I ended up talking with Starbuck.  I don't really know
how it begins, it just seems that I finish almost
every evening that we all get together laughing and
joking with Starbuck.  I guess he's just what I needed
after two long patrols, someone to tell me a joke and
pour me a drink.  Plus he was really revved up about
some of the technical changes tad that was still
buried in his chest.

"Are you sure?"  I nodded again and weakly said yes.

"Well where do you think you're going?  You're not
going to get very far crawling down a corridor?  Does
Cassie know you are up and walking?"

I pulled back from Starbuck then, looked at him
pleadingly.  "I have to get to the landing bay.  I
have to talk to Apollo."

"Yeah, but he's about to leave on a mission."

"I know.  That's why I have to talk to him.  I can't
let him leave like this!"

"Okay, okay."  Starbuck answered almost panicked
himself.  "I don't think there's time to make it to
the landing bay, not in your condition."  He looked
down at me apologetically.  "I think you're just going
to have to wait for him to return."

"I've got to try!"  I pulled away from Starbuck and
started running down the corridor towards the bay.  I
didn't get very far.  Maybe 20 feet before my knees
buckled again and I fell to the deck plate.  Starbuck
was there the moment I hit, picking me back up andhey are talking about
for the new Vipers.  I had worked with the engineers
on some of the changes so I filled Starbuck in on what
he could expect.  He had some great ideas to add that
would really work with some of the changes already
being developed.  Like rear mounted lasers.  Boy,
won't those shock the Cylons!  Of course you'd have to
be really careful when you used them, don't want to
wipe out your own squadron.  Starbuck just laughed at
that and said that Athena had already done that in the
simulators with front firing lasers, so what harm can
she do with rear firing lasers.  Athena had a good
laugh at that one, pointing out that she took Starbuck
out first to save the rest of the squadron from
Starbuck.  I think Starbuck laughed the hardest of
them all at that one.

I guess that's what I like about Starbuck, why I wind
up talking with him every time.  He doesn't take
himself so seriously.  And he does listen to what I
have to say what everyone has to say.  He even sat and
listened t
throwing my arm around his shoulder and pulling me to
my feet.

"If you are bound and determined to get to the landing
bay, then let's get you to the landing bay.  But let's
say we get you there in one piece, just for my sake.
Cassie will tear me apart if she finds out I let you
go on your own.  So let's take it slow, and don't you
dare hurt yourself, okay?"

"Okay Starbuck, but hurry!"

"Okay, okay."

He tried to go fast, but I was almost dead weight on
him as my vision came in and out of focus, the gray
walls becoming swirling colors.  We got to the bay
just in time to watch Boomer launch.  The shuttle and
Bojay were already waiting in space.  Apollo was
lowering his canopy when I yelled at him to wait.  He
looked over at me.  I know he saw me standing there
with Starbuck waving at him, but he lowered his canopy
and launched anyway.  He flew out into space and out
of my life.

I stood there sobbing and Starbuck just held me for a
few moments.  But only a few before he started tryo Cassie's ideas for a new Viper, and she
has never even sat in one, let alone flown one.

So when Starbuck suggested we head over to the casino,
and almost everyone else said no thanks, I agreed to
accompany him.  Starbuck is really fun to watch
gamble.  I love the way he just knows what cards
everyone else has without even looking at his cards.
And watching him bluff, it's like going to the
theater.  He is that good at it, and yet he can pull
it off without angering the other players.  In fact
they usually all have a good laugh when they find out
they've been had.  He is....oh, I don't know how to
describe it really, gracious is the only word I can
think of.  He'll even explain to the other players how
he did it and where they believed him.  And yet
they'll fall for it again!

But it's the risks he takes at the tables that have me
mesmerized.  He is so much like my father when he's
taking a gamble.  It's nice to be reminded every now
and then of my dad, the dad I used to know.  My fatheing
to crack jokes with me.  I pulled away from him,
wiping the tears from my eyes.  He didn't wait too
long before he suggested he help me back to the Life
Station.

"No, I don't want to go back there."

"Yeah, I know what you mean."  He said.  "It's pretty
boring in there.  Well, you really aren't up to taking
a stroll are you?"

I laughed and shook my head.  "No, I guess I'm not up
to that right now.  Maybe later, okay?"

"I know, how about we go roll a viper around on a
rocky planet?  Sound like fun?  We'll call it a date!"

I laughed at that one.  "No, that's okay Starbuck.  I
don't think I'm up to that kind of fun today.
Besides, you're jumpseat is a little cramped and I
don't think Cassie would like me sitting on your lap."

"Oh, so you're feeling well enough to joke back with
me!  So this isn't a total tragedy, at least I can get
a good laugh out of you."

"Oh, Starbuck, I'm always laughing at you."

"You mean WITH me, right?  That had better be what you
meant or I'm goinr
loved cards.  When we were waiting for a big battle to
begin, when the tension would almost be too much, he
would sit down with some of the officers and play
cards, games like cribbage, hearts and spades.
(Author's note - sorry guys, too early in the morning
to think up BSG equivalents for these games)

My father was ruthless when he played cards, but he
always seemed tickled and thrilled when someone got
him.  He also, like Starbuck, enjoyed a good practical
joke, especially at his expense.  Like the time
someone stole his swagger stick.  It got to be a game
with the crew to think up ingenious new places to have
it reappear without him ever seeing who stole it or
who put it in the new place.  We could tell he enjoyed
it because he would purposely leave it out somewhere
trying to catch the thief.  Even when things were at
it's most intense, when we were raiding Gomorray on a
daily basis, we could still get a smile out of strict
Commander Cain by looking like you were going to steal
his g to let you just crawl back to the
Med Center."  Starbuck mock threatened me, his eyes
sparkling like they do when he's kidding around.

"Okay, okay, yes, I'm laughing with you."

"I was headed up to the bridge to monitor the mission,
want to come with me?  It's not as fun a date as
rolling around on a rocky planet, but we could make it
fun.  What do you say?"

I nodded okay and we headed to the bridge.  I guess
what I had to say to Apollo would have to wait.

~ ~ ~ ~

So that was it.

We were in the midst of launching when I saw them.  Starbuck and
Sheba,
standing there waving goodbye.  Arms around each other.  She was
clinging so
close to him, it looked like she'd fall down if he stepped away.

I guess that told me everything I didn't want to know, and left me
no choice
but to accept it.

Somewhere inside, I realized I'd still been hoping for an
explanation, still
hoping to hear that it had been a mistake, that everybody had
misunderstood,
that there was a way out of it...
swagger stick.  I miss my father.  I know some
think he's dead.  But I think he got away.  He's got
the Starbuck luck.

So I sat and watched Starbuck gamble, and that night
he was winning.  He tossed me a few cubits and told me
to give it a try and explained to me his new system.
It will never work, like most of his systems, but it
sure was fun finding out where all the flaws were.  He
looked like a little boy working a puzzle when he'd
lose a hand.  His brain was working so fast I swear
smoke was flying from his ears.

By the time we lost all of our cubits we had had quite
a few glasses of Ambrosia.  We had also lost track of
time.  It was very late and everyone had already
headed back to the Galactica without us.  Starbuck was
a little perturbed that no one had come looking for
us, I mean, we were in the casino the whole time.
It's not like they couldn't find us.

We were out of cubits, and mood a little ruined by our
friends ditching us, so we decided to head back to the
Galactica to
But that told me otherwise.

It was almost anti-climatic.  I'd imagined the scene in an endless
loop for
most of the day, the two of them in each other's arms, and how I
would feel
the first time I saw it.  Maybe I'd anesthetized myself against
it, but I
didn't feel much when I saw them.

Just...resignation.

I took a deep breath.  I had a job to do.  I launched.

~ ~ ~ ~

All was not well with my children.

I didn't expect the situation to ease immediately.  Despite my
comments to
Starbuck and Apollo both the evening before, I knew this was a
serious
situation, and had become a crisis for both of them, perhaps a
crossroad of
their friendship.

Apollo was trying too hard to focus on the mission.

I could see that Starbuck wanted to be part of this mission - he
had, after
all, been the one who had just brought back the scans of the
changing
situation.  But it was equally obvious, to me, that I could not
safely send
Apollo and Starbuck on the same mission, together, at this po.  Okay, that's a lie.  Starbuck did
suggest dancing, and I was all for it, but the club
was closed for the night.  So we headed for the
docking bay to wait for the next shuttle.  It turned
out we had a long wait, and nothing but the casino was
open so we sat and waited.  And talked.  And flirted.
He is so fun to flirt with.  Apollo just doesn't
understand flirting.  He doesn't understand the rules
how to flirt I guess, the parlay back and forth, the
jab and parry.  It's a game.  Starbuck is good at
games.  I think I have too much of my mother in me
because she loved to flirt.  I love to flirt too.

I knew I had had too much drink when I asked Starbuck
why he hadn't made a pass at me before.  He joked
about how he was upset I hadn't made a pass at HIM
before, as he was obviously so much better looking and
much more charming than Apollo.  I couldn't let the
challenge go by could I?  I think I have too much of
my father in me.  Starbuck kept baiting me by
mentioning how I seemed to enjoy taoint.
Not if I
expected either of them to come home again.

And when I passed him over, Starbuck went out of his way to be
underfoot and
irritating in his questions and comments.  I finally had to
intervene
myself.

Instead, I sent Athena and Boomer, and Bojay.  I knew that, Apollo
being
Apollo, he would keep an eye on his sister, and perhaps thereby
keep himself
from running thoughtlessly into a situation.  And Boomer would
keep his eye
on Apollo.  I figured, hopefully correctly, that Bojay would be on
Apollo's
side out of his publicly expressed current wrath with Starbuck.

I was on the bridge when the mission team launched.  Our
communications
would be very limited once they were away, and I knew myself well
enough to
know I would need to be there for whatever information they might
send.

I didn't expect Starbuck and Sheba to stagger onto the bridge
together.  It
only took a moment to see that Sheba was barely able to stand on
her own,
and to recall her surgery of the night lking to him more
than Apollo, and pointing out that I did seem to enjoy
Starbuck's company that evening.

I leaned over and put my hand on his chest and leaned
in and kissed him.  Mostly to shut him up I guess.
Okay, that's not really why.  It was the challenge,
and he was pretty handsome that evening.  And I guess
I had wanted to kiss him for a while now.  I guess in
a way it was a thank you for showing me some fun that
evening.  I don't know why I did it, but I did.

When I pulled back Starbuck had indeed stopped
talking.  He was looking at me so intensely.  Some
people think Starbuck hasn't a serious bone in his
body.  But after encountering Count Iblis, I know
differently.  I remembered what happened.  I watched
Apollo die, and Starbuck died too.  Starbuck offered
to change places with Apollo, and he really meant it.
I saw the look in his eyes on the ship of lights.  He
was more serious than anyone has ever been.

Starbuck's eyes were serious when he looked at me.
Maybe it was justbefore, and to realize that
without
Starbuck's help, she would have fallen.  But to a quick glance, it
appeared
quite damning.

He helped her grab the railing before turning to me.

"Lieutenants."  I kept my face impassive as I leaned close enough
to say,
"Starbuck, I thought you said you wouldn't do that again."

Starbuck looked at me apologetically, obviously understanding my
reference.
"We tried to catch Apollo before he left, but..."

"Indeed."

At that moment, my feelings were mixed, but it was neither the
time nor the
place to discuss them.

"Sheba needs to talk to him.  She wanted to talk to him before he
left.  I
found her crawling in the corridor, sir.  But we didn't get there
in time."

That wasn't much relief.  It didn't answer the other, underlying
questions
that had half the pilots walking on eggshards and the other half
betting on
the outcome.

"So why did you come here?"

He looked at me earnestly.  "For Apollo.  We need to be here.  For
him.
Because we care the ambrosia, but I kissed him
again.

That's when Cassie walked in.


~ ~ ~


When I went looking for Starbuck, the last thing I expected was to
find
him in the docking bay with Sheba.  Well, that's not entirely
true.
Everything else was closed but the casino, and I expected to find
him
either in the bay or in the casino.  I knew Sheba hadn't come back
to the
Galactica yet either, so I figured she'd be there too.

But I didn't expect to see them kissing as if their souls depended
on it.

After what happened at the attack on the basestar, somehow I
thought our
relationship had moved beyond this kind of thing.  For some
reason, I
didn't think I'd be walking in on Starbuck and another woman.  I
think
could have dealt with it, though.

If it hadn't been Sheba.

And if the two of them hadn't had...that *look* on their faces.

The shock hit me like the side of the building that broke my arm
in the
destruction.  All I could do was stare, while half-thoughts ran
through
my head about him and we need to talk to him and we need
to
straighten things out, both of us.  Apart.  From each other, I
mean.  I
think  And if anything happens, we need to be here for us."

That was about as naked a confession as I've ever heard from
Starbuck.

And it told me volumes.  He didn't intend to let anything come
between his
friendship with Apollo.  Not even Sheba.  What that would
ultimately mean, I
didn't know.

I nodded.  "You both have a right to be here."

And over the next few centars, they stayed.  One of the techs
brought some
caff for the staff, and remembered to bring extra for them.  Sheba
finally
agreed to sit down, probably two microns before she fell down.
Starbuck
started pacing, continually brushing back his hair and stopping to
stare
over Omega's shoulder until I thought Omega would take his turn at
decking
Starbuck.

At that point, I sent Starbuck, sternly, to get something for
Sheba to eat,
as I guessed, correctly, that she hadn't really eaten anything
 and bludgeoned me, each worse than the one before.

Kobol, how could my best friend do this to me?  Were they drunk?
If I
hadn't walked in at that moment, where would it have gone from
there?
Would they have waited til they got to a room or would it have
been a
floor show for the ship's security officer?  Had this happened
before?
Had they been hiding this from me?  Did Apollo know?  Did
everybody but
me?

Then Sheba jumped back or Starbuck pushed her back, I don't know
who
moved first.

"Cassie!" they both said at once, looking guilty as hades.

Maybe if I hadn't been drinking too, I could have reacted
differently.
But all I could think of was getting out of there.  So I ran.  I
couldn't
face them, I couldn't face anyone.


~ ~ ~ ~


That's when Cassie walked in and it took all I had to
pull away from Starbuck.

When I pulled away, Starbuck noticed her to.  We both
pulled back then like the electricity that was flowing
between us had zapped us.  We both went to get up, to
that day.

"Commander," I finally heard Tigh call.  "We're getting a signal."

"Yes?"  Now it was me standing over Omega's shoulder.

"Just a quick update from Captain Apollo - they've ridden out what
appear to
have been a pair of vestigial pulses...the radiation is
increasing.  He
reports the pulses and the radiation both appear to come from one
star
system.  So far, they're picking up two planets."  He looked at
me.
"They're going in.  And they're going in silent.  Unless you've
changed the
orders..."

"Confirm," I said evenly.

He nodded.

That was it.  Now all we could do was wait for their next
communique.

I turned to do a little pacing of my own, and nearly ran into
Sheba.

Her eyes were very wide.  "Commander?" she asked softly.

"They're all right.  So far."

She took a deep breath, and opened her mouth to say something
more.

"I don't expect to hear from them until they have something else
to report,"
I cut her off.

I didn't expect her next question.

"Do yo
go to her, to do something.  But before either of us
could come to our senses, Cassie had turned and fled.

"Oh frak."  Starbuck said as Cassie ran away.

"Oh Starbuck, I am so sorry.  This is all my fault."
I said.  And I really meant it.  I was the one who had
taken the challenge.  I was the one who kissed first,
not once, but twice.  I felt awful.

"No, it's okay."  Starbuck said, his head hung down.
Then he looked me in the eye again with that look,
that really intense look.  "It was bound to happen
sometime.  I mean, it's not like we hadn't flirted
before.  Besides, what had we really done wrong?
What, kissed, after a few drinks, no big deal right?
Cassie is making a big deal out of this.  I mean after
all, they did ditch us."

"Starbuck..."  I started to say, knowing that he was
starting to make excuses.  That he was doing the
routine he was famous for, getting caught and somehow
turning what should be something really big into
something minor, something he could slip out of.

u hate me, Commander?"

I pulled her a little away from the console.  "Why would I hate
you?"

"Because of that stupid thing I did.  Because I hurt Apollo.
Because I
screwed up whatever we might have had."

I could see the anguish in her eyes, and the honesty.  She was as
bitterly
upset with herself as everyone else involved seemed to be with the
situation.

"I can't say what will happen with you and Apollo," I said gently.
"It's
not my choice or my decision, and I can't change or force anything
between
you.  But Sheba, you have been part of my family since you came
aboard, and
nothing will change that.  Whatever happens between you and
Apollo, or
between you and Starbuck, you are still like a daughter to me, and
you
always will be."  I looked at Starbuck.  "As you will be a
son."

The tears welled up.  Sheba started to cry, and I saw Starbuck
swallowing
hard.  I held her for just a few microns, then waved to Starbuck.

"I think the strain has been too much for Sheba, to"Starbuck, we both know where this would have gone.  I
mean, you're right not that it meant anything, we are
both pretty drunk.  It's my fault, I sort of started
this.  Let me go talk to her."

I started to get up but Starbuck grabbed my hand, and
those blue eyes weren't trying to evade anything when
he said, "It's not just the ambrosia.  I've been
thinking about you for a while now."

I have heard women talk about those eyes of his and I
always thought they were just telling stories the way
some women will.  Exaggerating to make excuses for why
they gave in to such a scoundrel for an evening, when
we all know that scoundrels can be fun.  But at that
moment when he gazed into my eyes, Starbuck had me
captured.

Lords of Kobol forgive me, but I kissed him again.
Yes, I had to have been drunk.  I kissed him, and then
I got up to go look for Cassie.  I know, it doesn't
make any sense.  But I had to set this right.  This
was not the way for Starbuck and I to start anything
if we were to staday, after the
last few
days.  Call Cassiopeia to check on her, and see if she needs
anything."  I
wasn't going to be the one to tell her if she needed to go back to
Life
Center.

Starbuck nodded wordlessly, and helped her back to her chair.

I turned back to the bridge, and tried to focus on my day, while I
waited to
hear.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It was a very silent mission. I know we were supposed
to be running silent just in case the Cylons were
nearby and responsible for the pulses and radiation
waves we were receiving, but normally there is at
least a few words spoken back and forth between the
pilots. A little chatter to help pass the time. Not
a word was spoken by either Apollo or Bojay since
launch. I knew not to expect too much out of Bojay
other than him griping about Starbuck. But Apollo's
silence was unsettling, especially after what we had
all witnessed recently.
I waited until we were away from the fleet and on
autopilot before I finally turned to Athena who was
co-piloting thert anything.  I have so few friends
on the Galactica, I knew at that moment I couldn't
lose any of them.  Certainly not Cassie, and
definitely not Starbuck.  Maybe he and I would have
our moment.

But the moment had come and gone.  Gone down that
hallway where Cassie had headed.

It didn't take me too long to find her.  She had
stopped in one of the lounges, sitting in a chair
crying.  I took the chair across from her and waited
for her to notice I was there.

I expected her to be mad, but what came out of her
mouth were the most poisonous words I have ever heard.

"Like father like daughter.  I should have known what
a tramp you'd turn out to be.  And your mother was no
example of virtue either."

My soul will burn in Hades right with my father,
there's no doubt of that after what I said.  I should
have taken it.  I should have let her rant at me.  I
certainly deserved it.  I knew how she felt about
Starbuck and had seen their relationship grow stronger
after the basestar victory.   shuttle, and mentioned something about
Apollo's mood lately. I swear she grinned at me with
a really irritating "know it all" smile.
I had to promise her dinner on the Rising Star in the
Astral Lounge before she'd tell me everything. Not
that I was dying to know. For once I was out of the
loop. Neither Apollo nor Starbuck had come to me
about any of this, and while I could tell it was
causing an incredible strain between the two of them,
I hadn't really felt like jumping in. I guess because
I had a feeling right from the start that this had to
do with a woman, and where women are concerned,
neither Starbuck, nor Apollo for that matter, listen
very well. Oh, not that either of them would ever
admit to that fact. Apollo loves to lecture Starbuck
on being faithful and settling down, and Starbuck
loves to rib Apollo about cutting loose and having
some fun. They both think they are experts on the
matter.
I think they both have a lot to learn. I'm not an
expert either, but I think that's the diI knew what I did was
awful.

But Starbuck did kiss me back.  Not once, not twice,
but three times.  If things were so good between the
two of them, then he would have pushed me away.  He
would have said no.  He would have said, "Yeah, boy am
I drunk."  But he didn't.  And I didn't keep my mouth
shut.  Yeah, I'm like my dad.  I have a temper.

"Oh, yeah, Socialators are such a good judge of moral
character."

I expected Cassie to flinch at least to the sting of
my words.  Instead she just sat there, her eyes
burning a hole right through me.

"That's right."  She said.  "I was a Socialator, but
that doesn't mean I'm the only slut around here. And
for the record, Socialators don't go looking for men,
they come to us.  You had to steal my boyfriend."

"I didn't steal anything!"  I shouted exasperated.

"Oh, I suppose I should have told you straight out
`Hands off, he's mine.' But I thought you were my
friend.  I thought I didn't have to tell you what
Starbuck meant to me.  I thought yofference, I
know I'm not an expert. I don't pretend to be. My
few love affairs have been long lasting and
pleasurable. Maybe not as dramatic as either
Starbuck, or Apollo for that matter, but stable and
predictable definitely has it's own rewards.
But I knew from both Starbuck and Apollo's immature
reactions lately that maybe it was time I got
involved. When Athena filled me in I was even more
shocked. Athena admitted that she felt guilty that
she hadn't stepped in, but she figured that Sheba
would eventually resolve the issue. Athena and I both
agreed that of all those involved, Sheba would have
least appreciated an intrusion into the issue. I have
flown with her several times since she joined us from
the Pegasus. She is decisive, to say the least. And
her temper is not something I would want to be on the
receiving end.
So for much of the flight towards the two planets that
were the source of the strange readings, Athena and I
discussed how we were going to gather everyone
together and tu would respect
that."

"Sure, just like you respected my feelings when you
were dating my dad.  I asked you a thousand times to
just leave him alone, to stop dating him.  But you
never did.  We had to get lost in space to make you
leave him alone and respect my feelings."

That time she flinched.  I regretted saying those
words the moment she flinched.

Then I flinched when she punched me, hard.  I saw
stars.


~ ~ ~ ~


I hit Sheba.  I admit it.  I lost my temper.  I ranted at her.
And then
she came back with those same old cracks about socialators.  This,
from a
woman who only centons before had been kissing a man she knew I
loved.
This, from the daughter of a man who started dating me when he was
still
married -- which I didn't know until I saw his wife at a party,
with
another man.

Well, whatever distant relationship Sheba's parents had, I didn't
intend
to have that kind of relationship with the man I loved.  I wasn't
going
to share him with her.  Not behind my back liake the biggest hammer we could find and
knock some sense into their heads. Now granted, we
came up with a much more elaborate plan than that, but
the end result would hopefully be the same. I had
suggested meeting with each one of them separately but
Athena said she had tried a little with Apollo with no
success. She had a good point, several people were
involved by now. We needed to hold a quorum and work
things out. The thought made me nervous, but she was
right. A sealed room with padded walls was my next
suggestion.
It made her laugh and I realized how much I enjoyed to
hear her laugh. Perhaps if I were more humorous like
Starbuck I might have a chance with Athena. But then
again, she also had a temper. Calm and stable, that's
what I really need. Although, there is something to
be said for a good drama every now and then.
Athena and I were reaching our conclusions about the
time we were reaching scanner range of the two
planets. The readouts we were receiving stopped our
conversation.ke this.  Not that
night,
not ever.

They had to get "lost in space" for me to respect her feelings.
Her
feelings.  Naturally, it was all about her feelings.  Nothing
about mine
or Cain's.  No concern that I'd fallen in love with her father
before I
found out he was married.  No respect for the hard decision I had
to
make.  No grief for her mother dying so unexpectedly right after
that.
Not a thought for how Cain came to me after that and made a clean
breast
of everything.  No understanding of how hard it was to forgive and
trust
him again.

No, all she cared about were her feelings.  She never knew the
half of
the situation, and she acted like it was all personal to her!
Like she
was all that mattered!  Selfish, ego-centric little brat!

So I hit her.  She never saw it coming.  So much for her warrior
training.  She should have known it was war -- Athena would have.

And Sheba hit me back.

A micron later we were the ones doing the floor show.  Naturally,
that
was the moment  We had a mystery on our hands. We
checked the readings twice, three times, and then
checked them again. This was the source of the
pulses, the waves of radiation. But what we found
were two dead planets.
Bojay and Apollo flew countless orbits of the planets.
Both reported what appeared to be large craters and
evidence of recent explosions. Despite the radiation
and lack of life on the planets, the shuttle sensors
read enough essential elements that these planets
should have been capable of sustaining various forms
of life. The conditions may have even been right for
each planet to have been a paradise.
On one pass Apollo was able to discern what may have
been a city, ruins that upon closer inspection
resembled buildings, twisted metal and debris that had
to have once been something that was created, not just
found randomly in nature.
But we will never know for sure. The radiation was
too high for the vipers to land and the pilots to do a
survey. All we could do was gather what data we couship's security had to show up and arrest us both.

Rufus was the senior security officer that night.  He knew we'd
all come
over together.  He was considerate enough to hold us there while
he sent
somebody looking for Starbuck.

Well, either Starbuck had already gone back to the Galactica, or
he was
afraid to face us by himself.  It was over a centar before he
showed up
-- with Apollo and Boomer.

Both of them looked utterly bewildered.  I'm sure they had no idea
what
they were getting into.  Frankly, I was shocked Starbuck had the
nerve to
drag them into this.

That's when it hit me.  Apollo.  Oh, lords...  Here he was, come
to get
us out of trouble, and there was no way he could have known what
his best
friend and Sheba had been doing.  He was in the same spot I was
in.  What
was he going to think when he found out about their betrayal?

Yes, betrayal.  What else could you call it?

Apollo's a good man.  He deserved better then this.  That's all I
could
think of as I looked ld
from the sensors. Apollo discovered something new and
interesting with every pass and insisted on landing.
It was risky, too risky. Even with proper
precautions, the radiation would be too high. Apollo
would be landing without any protection but a
breathing mask. He kept insisting and even had Athena
agreeing that it was necessary. And they all say
Starbuck is the reckless one!
Bojay and I for once agreed, it was too dangerous. We
would have to live with the mystery of who, how, why.
We did know one thing, there would be no more pulses,
not origination from these planets anytime soon.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was able to focus on the mission. It was difficult at first,
but it became easier as we got closer to the star system from
which the pulses and the radiation had originated. With orders to
maintain comm silence, at least I didn't have the distraction of
pilot chatter and possible questions, for most of the trip.
We encountered two pulses on the way; with the shielding and the
decreasing strat them.  Apollo's word means something.  I
know
that sometimes he's too fixed on his duties, but when it comes to
the
people around him, he doesn't stint on his emotions.  I know what
he went
through with Serina.  I saw them fall in love; I saw their pain
when they
thought Starbuck was dead; I saw him struggle on alone when she
was gone.
 I saw how much family meant to him.  When he loves, he loves
deeply --
not like Starbuck, who treats it all like a game.  Apollo was
starting to
love Sheba.  I could tell.

Starbuck wouldn't even look at me.

I was torn.  At that moment, I wanted to lash out at Sheba and
Starbuck
both.  I wanted the world to know what kind of people they were.
But I
couldn't do that to Apollo, not there, not in front of Boomer and
Rufus.
Word would get out fast enough.

But there was something I could do.

I walked up to Starbuck.  He looked at me with those intense blue
eyes --
and I could see he was afraid.  He was afraid of what I would say.
I was
amazed, ength of the pulses, we rode them through with no
difficulties.
The radiation, however, was strong and it was increasing. It
seemed to infuse the entire system. We would be fine as long as
we stayed in our ships and in space, but I knew we wouldn't be
able to stay long anywhere we landed in that system. If we landed
anywhere.
Still, it was hard to resist. Those two planets were a mystery.
I have no doubt that they had contained an advanced society. My
flybys convinced me of that. There was debris above the
atmosphere, that could have been orbital satellites or defensive
weaponry -- or offensive weaponry. Every now and then, we could
pick up some of that debris entering the atmosphere, and
disintegrating in sudden bursts of flame. I saw the ruins of what
had to have been cities, apparently bombed into complete rubble.
I saw what might have been forests, just hazes of radioactive
smoke, still glowing. The air was hot and poisonous. It reminded
me, in an eerie way, of home, after the Cylons were done with us
-- maybe worse than what they'd done on Caprica.
There was no evidence of Cylon presence, however.
I suppose that's why I felt such a compulsion to go down there. I
wanted to know if this was the work of Cylons, or...something
else. I wanted to see if there was a chance anything had survived
down there, maybe in a shielded bunker, underground or undersea -
- even just animal life or...or maybe a flower, somewhere, in
some isolated area in a desert or on a mountain, just protected
enough from whatever had hit the planets, to have survived. But
there were no signs of life of any kind. The radiation and
whatever had caused it, had already done its work thoroughly.
There was no more life.
Boomer was right; we couldn't go down. We didn't have the
personal shielding to go planetside. We didn't have the medical
ability to handle that level of radiation. That didn't make me
any less reluctant to leave without confirming what had happened.
As we scanned the planets and the debris scatterbut I knew why.  I could have cost him his friendship with
Apollo
at that moment.  I really could have.  I could have destroyed it
with the
truth.  And I guess I've always known that Apollo's friendship
meant more
to Starbuck than anything else.  Anything except Sheba, I guess.
Too bad
Apollo didn't know that.

But I wouldn't do that to Apollo.

It was a struggle, but I kept the words inside.  I couldn't
control the
tears, though.  I guess the shock was over.

I slapped Starbuck.  And right there, in front of everybody, I
said,
"It's over, Starbuck.  There's somebody else I care about more
than you.
And I won't be unfair to him."

And then I walked past him.

It was true, I realized.  I cared more about not hurting Apollo
than
about getting back at Starbuck and Sheba.  Because he was the
innocent
one in all this.

I glanced at Sheba.  I think she knew what I meant.  I gave her
time to
handle this right.  But I wasn't giving her much time.

I don't think I've ever had a more sed around and
between them, and studied the lack of debris or signals in the
outsystem, I got the sick feeling that I knew what had happened.
These planets hadn't been destroyed by some outside enemy. All
the evidence said the attacks had come...from within the system.
From each other.
I thought about Terra. Would she have looked like this, in a few
days, if John hadn't used us to stop their war?
I know human history. It's no surprise that sentient beings can
turn on each other with all the vicious weapons and cunning at
their disposal. But it was a shock to see that, whatever beings
had lived here, had not merely destroyed each other, but their
worlds, utterly. They'd exterminated each other beyond any
salvation.
I wondered, sadly, what their political or personal differences
might have been, to have started them on the way to the war or
conflict that had resulted in this. What had been the final
escalation that unleashed their...their doomsday?
"There's nothing we can do here," I heard Athilent flight anywhere than the
flight
back to the Galactica.


~ ~ ~


Sheba took off after Cassie and I sat there in the
lounge for a moment kind of bewildered.  This is not
the evening I had planned.  This is not anything at
all like I had planned.  I had not intended for Sheba
to kiss me.

Yeah, I was having a little fun at her expense.  Lords
help me, but she is fun to flirt with.  Who can resist
that beautiful hair, and her eyes.  Oh yeah, out on a
long patrol, I've thought about it.  Come on, I'm
Starbuck, I've thought about almost every girl on the
Galactica.

But what just happened, it was nothing like I had
thought about.  It was better.

And then Cassie walked in.  Frak, I am such an idiot.
You know, I really should learn to say no once in a
while.

That's when I figured I'd better go find the two of
them and try to explain to Cassie.  It really wasn't
much that happened.  A kiss, or two, well okay, three.
 But that was it.  And I'm sure once Sheba sobered up,
she proena say, shaken.
Boomer took a deep breath - I guess we all did. "I think we can
be sure there won't be any more of those pulses."
"And it really won't matter if the Cylons come here or not,"
Bojay muttered. "There's nothing left for them to destroy."
I guess we'd all reached the same conclusion.
"We go back," I ordered.
All the way back, I couldn't help thinking about those two
planets. What had their inhabitants been like? What kind of
music, architecture, sculpture, and other arts had they created?
What forms of philosophy, politics, religious understanding, and
other thought? Had life evolved on one of the worlds and been
carried to the other? Were they both colonies of some other
place, long ago separated? Had they always been rivals, or had
they once been friends? And what kind of anger or hatred or
misunderstanding or misplaced passions had brought them to their
end?
And suddenly, I was thinking of Starbuck and Sheba...


~ ~ ~ ~

Word gets around this ship fast. I knew that. But bably slap me for all three of them.  Plus, she
kissed me!

I headed down the corridor and figured out where they
were by all the yelling.  I ran into the lounge to see
the two of them on the floor punching and clawing at
each other.

I stood there for a moment stunned.  They were
fighting over me.  I wasn't sure if I should be
flattered or disgusted with myself for starting the
fight.

I guess it was watching how absurd they looked, these
two beautiful women who were the best of friends
slugging it out, that I sobered up and another thought
punched me right between the eyes...Apollo.  I had
kissed Apollo's girl.

I have never ever gone after any woman that Apollo has
even hinted at that he thought was cute.  Not even in
the Academy when it was challenge between all of us
cadets to see how many women we could date.  I have
never even flirted or joked with a woman Apollo liked.
I know Serena used to always wonder about that.  She
saw how I laughed and joked with everyone else but
her.I still didn't
expect it when, over the course of a physical, one of the gunnery
technicians asked if I was interested in joining him for dinner on
the Rising Star that day.
Normally I handle that kind of thing with a smile and a little
teasing, ending with a strong hint that I'm not interested. Most
people knew I had been involved with Starbuck, so even those who
thought they'd take a chance usually backed off at that point.
Not today. Before I could even get to that point, Yolaus made a
point of saying, "Since you're not involved with anyone any more.
From what I understand. Unless I'm mistaken..."
Before I could respond that I needed a little time, he said, "I
hope you don't think I'm jumping the laser here, but I know
there's gonna be a line at your door, and I wanted to be first..."
By the time he got through the maze of not wanting to pressure me,
and realizing I might need some time to deal with things, and
having wanted to get to know me since the first time he saw me,
and envying Sta  But I think she knew, at least I hope she knew
before she died that it's because I didn't want to
have Apollo ever wonder whether his best friend was
making moves on his woman.  I wanted Apollo and Serina
to work out.  I wanted Apollo to have the kind of
relationship I'll never have.

But I sure blew it this time didn't I bucko.  I didn't
just flirt, I moved in for the kill.  And if Cassie
hadn't have walked in where would it have gone?

I shook my head to clear my thoughts and looked down
at the two women and thought maybe I should break it
up.  That's when I turned and ran the opposite
direction.  I don't know why, but I figured Apollo and
Boomer could handle this better than I could.

Or maybe I was afraid Cassie would hit me.  As I ran I
came up with a hundred lines to tell Cassie.  I'll
admit, not a one of them was the truth.  I think the
truth would hurt too much and I don't want to hurt
Cassie anymore than I already have.

You should have seen the look on Boomer's face when I
rbuck ever since, well, how could I say no? He was
sweet. He was an intriguing mix of shy and forward, based on that
conversation, although I suppose it's hard not to be embarrassed
when you're wearing a medical cover-up and nothing more! I also
remembered hearing that he was a genuinely nice guy, and that more
than one woman on the Galactica had been interested in him.
And if I was going to start figuring out what was right for me
now, I could do a lot worse than to get to know Yolaus better.
Then I could take a look at the rest of that line at my door!
So I let myself be talked into it, said yes, and watched him grin
from ear to ear.
I saw Salik watching me as Yolaus left. I just smiled.
"Well?" he asked.
"He asked me to the Rising Star for dinner," I told him. "I said
yes.
Why?"
"I don't usually play matchmaker," Salik admitted, "but Yolaus is
my nephew, and I can personally vouch for him. And if he gets out
of line, I will also personally ensure that his next physical is
far from pleasafinally found them and told him that Sheba and Cassie
were fighting.  I had to say it three times before
they would believe me, and even make punching motions
in the air before they would follow me down the
corridor.

I tried to stay behind, but Apollo grabbed me by the
arm and dragged me along, mumbling "What did you do
now Starbuck?"

How does he always know?  I guess that's why he's my
best friend.  Or was my best friend.  Boy I have
messed this one up good, didn't I bucko.

~ ~ ~


The shuttle ride back to the Galactica was awful.
Cassie sat on one end of the shuttle very quiet and
sullen, while Starbuck sat at the other end looking
truly tormented.

There I was in the middle, with Boomer and Apollo both
looking to me for answers since Cassie and Starbuck
were obviously not talking.

I couldn't look at Apollo.  I just couldn't.  Why
wasn't I thinking about him a centaur ago, because he
was certainly all I could think about now?

"What happened after we left?"  Boomer asked fint."
I couldn't help laughing. How had I not know the relationship? How
could I not have seen the family resemblance? I'd seen Yolaus
around Life Center before  I hadn't even considered that he might
have family there  all the time I'd been vain enough, especially
after his comments about wanting to get to know me, to think it
was just me that drew him there!
It was only a few centons later when Starbuck showed up,
supporting Sheba.
She was pale and looked like she was about to fall over.
Considering her condition when she'd sneaked out that morning, I
wasn't surprised.
"Help her to the life pod; Dr. Salik, do you have a moment?" I
called, then asked her, "So you weren't as ready to be released as
you thought?"
"Please don't be angry with me, Cassie," she said. "I had to see
Apollo, but he was gone before I could talk to him..." Her voice
was kinda faint, and pleading, and she seemed to be having a
little trouble finding enough breath for the words.
Starbuck looked just as pleading. "She's rst.

I tried to put him off telling him I was tired, it was
late, we'd all had too much to drink.  I was hoping
for a reprieve, or at least a chance to sober up.   It
was not a total lie to say ambrosia had a lot to do
with what happened that night.

But when I looked up, Apollo's eyes locked on to mine
and I knew that I'd have to tell him something, and
soon.  I had to tell him before Cassie said anything.
I knew she thought the worse, and there really wasn't
that much to tell.  But not here, not now.  It was bad
enough Cassie finding me and Starbuck kissing, and
then the fight.  Being arrested was the final insult.
Well, at least until Apollo mentioned something I
forgot about.

"Don't worry Boomer, we'll find out what happened when
we see the Commander."

I felt like crawling into a hole and dying.

"Unless you can explain it to us now and we can
explain it to the Commander."

I didn't know where to begin.  I looked over at
Starbuck.  He was no help.  In fact, I could tell by
tbeen on the bridge most
of the day," he said. "I know I shoulda brought her back sooner,
but we couldn't leave until we knew that Apollo was coming back,
and that he was safe."
"And is he?" I asked.
"Yes."
I looked at both of them. "So what are you going to do when he
gets back?"
"I need to talk to him, Cassie. I've got to try to make things
right.
Somehow. I don't know how, but I've got to."
I could almost hear Starbuck swallow. "You'll get the chance,
Sheba, I promise. If I have to drag him here, I will. And I'll do
everything I can to make things right, too, before I let him come
near you."
The tears welled up in her eyes. "Thank you, Starbuck," she said
huskily, "but somehow, I think this is something I have to do
first..."
Dr. Salik had reached us by then, and was running some
diagnostics. I saw him frown. I knew that wasn't good.
"At the moment, Lieutenant," he said crisply, "all you're going to
do is be checked back into Life Center  and you will not be
leaving until I clear you, he look on his face he had had enough time, and
ambrosia in him, to start to get mad about the slap he
received.  I hesitantly glanced at Cassie, only to
receive an icy glare.

Then I looked at Apollo.  I meant to tell the truth, I
really did, but when he looked at me with those
beautiful green eyes and I remembered how kind he has
been too me ever since losing the Pegasus, I just
couldn't do it.  I just couldn't hurt him.

"Well, Starbuck and I went looking for you guys, but
you had left.  So we sat down to wait for the shuttle
and got to talking."  I was hoping to leave it at
that.

"And what?  What does Starbuck have to do with you and
Cassie fighting?"

"Well, she came in and saw something that she
misunderstood.  It was really nothing."  I said it all
in a rush hoping that Apollo wouldn't ask just what it
was that Cassie saw.  "Well, Cassie got upset and said
something I took really wrong and I said something
very mean to Cassie and she had every right to punch
me one.  So she dithis time. Starbuck, would you step
outside, please? Cassie, help Sheba out of that uniform. Sheba,
I'll need to talk to you as soon as you're back in bed..."
Something felt wrong. I'd worked with Salik long enough to read
him, medically, at least, if not personally. "Yes, doctor."
When I had her back in bed, I stepped out to find Starbuck already
gone, and Salik ordering a surgical team to stand by.
"Salik?" I asked.
He looked worried. "She should never have left this morning  we
should have got her back in here right away instead of letting her
spend the day on the bridge. Something's pulled loose inside. The
diagnostics showed internal bleeding and pressure of some kind on
her lungs. And there's something else the diagnostic scans weren't
clear about. I have to get her back in surgery. Now."
I nodded, and glanced toward the door.
"I told Starbuck. He said he'd be back. Meanwhile, get scrubbed,
Cassie.
I'm going to go tell Sheba what we need to do, and get her consent
for surgery, and I'lld, and that's when security came in,
and well, I was pretty drunk.  I shouldn't have drank
that much.  It being so late, and me being so drunk,
they went ahead and arrested us."

I stopped talking and hoped that that would be good
enough.  I don't know what I was thinking.  Like the
whole evening, I wasn't thinking.

Very calm and patiently Apollo asked, "What did Cassie
see?"

I looked at Apollo almost begging him to not make me
answer.  But I saw the determination in his eyes, and
worse yet, his understanding.  He just wanted to make
everything right.  He just wanted everything to be
okay.  So did I.  I just wasn't sure what okay was.
I'm not sure now if I wanted things to just go back to
the way they were.  If things were so wonderful they
way they were before, then why did I kiss Starbuck.
Why didn't I regret it?  Yes, I regretted the pain it
was now causing two of my dearest friends.

But if Cassie I were such good friends, why did we say
the things we did?  Why was it so easy for want you there..."
"Yes, doctor."
He looked so somber. His words were heavy. Suddenly, everything
was wrong, and I was frightened...

~ ~ ~ ~

I headed towards the landing bay, and waited for
Apollo. I pulled out a fumarello to smoke, but never
really got around to lighting it. It helped me to
think when I had one in my mouth, but I wasn't really
in the mood to smoke.
I had no idea what I was going to say to Apollo. No
idea at all. I had spent the last couple of sectons
completely avoiding him, and yet it was still a shock
when he spent most of a briefing avoiding me. At
first I was pretty ticked about that. But now, well,
I felt hurt actually, and pretty stupid I guess.
I felt really stupid. It was pretty obvious to me now
how much Sheba loved Apollo. Hell, she'd risked her
own health, probably her own life just to talk to him
to set things right. I never knew anyone who loved
somebody that much. Did Cassie ever love me that
much? Would she have done that for me? I wasn't so
sure. Ma us to fight
as violently as we did?  Why did any of this happen in
the first place?  I knew it was too easy to blame the
ambrosia.  But maybe it was that ambrosia that made me
do something stupid at that moment, like tell the
truth.

"I kissed Starbuck."  I said.  I didn't let it go at
that though.  "But it really was nothing, just a
friendly kiss.  No big deal.  We'd just had a nice
night together and I was thanking him.  It was really
nothing."

Apollo's lips said "Okay," but his eyes said a
thousand things more than I wanted to hear.  I could
see the hurt, and then the wall came down.  He had let
me inside to a place he allowed few people to see.
And now, I was shut out.

But if Cassie I were such good friends, why did we say
the things we did?  Why was it so easy for us to fight
as violently as we did?  Why did any of this happen in
the first place?  I knew it was too easy to blame the
ambrosia.  But maybe it was that ambrosia that made me
do something stupid at that moment, like ybe once I would have thought she would. I
guess I'll have my answer to that question by how fast
she starts dating someone else. I'm sure there will
be a line outside her door. Maybe I can make a bet on
that one, the next guy to date Cassie. I could make a
nice profit on that one.
Maybe at one time I was that in love with Cassie. But
I guess I was starting to see that maybe Cassie was
right. We were a relationship of convenience. She
was always available for me, always had off when I had
off. It was easy to be with her. But did she go out
of her way to be with me? I guess so, she'd
rearranged her schedule several times to accommodate
my duty schedule. But had I ever rearranged mine?
Would I have ever gone out of my way for Cassie? I
wasn't so sure about my answer to that. It bothered
me that I couldn't really think of a time that I had
really gone out of my way to do something for her. I
felt like I had, but I couldn't really remember an
actual incident. I had no proof that I really loved
tell a lie.

"I don't know.  You'll have to ask Cassie."

Apollo looked at me hesitantly.  He knew me well
enough to know that I wasn't telling the truth.  But I
don't think he knew where the lie was.  But I knew he
wouldn't dig any deeper, not tonight, not with
everyone so upset.

I yawned deeply, adding to my lie by saying, "Honest
Apollo, I've had so much to drink and I just want to
lay down and sleep it off.  It's all kind of fuzzy
what happened."

It worked.  I seemed to have bought myself some more
time to think of what to do, what to say to save us
all from this mistake.

Apollo leaned back then and offered me his shoulder to
lay my head on.  I wasn't sure how to refuse without
him knowing something was wrong, so I gratefully laid
my head down and pretended to sleep.  But I couldn't
sleep.  It was more than just my conscience keeping me
awake.  I could still feel the heat of Cassie's anger.
 Her words were still echoing in my head.

It was the worst shuttle ride of my life.

her, not like Sheba now had for Apollo, that she had
dragged herself while injured down a corridor just to
talk with him and set things right. I hadn't even
tried to talk to Cassie, let alone set things right.
I had just walked away. I guess I had my answer.
I wanted to love someone the way that Sheba loved
Apollo. I think I did with Athena. I knew I didn't
want to lose her after the destruction. But I walked
away from that too.
I pulled the fumarello out of my mouth and looked at
the chewed up end. I couldn't smoke this one if I
wanted to now. I didn't like this line of thinking.
I didn't want to think that Cassie and I were together
just because it was convenient. I did love her, I
know I did even if I had a lousy way of showing it.
I'm pretty sure she loved me, or at least did. Maybe
she could again if pulled myself together and did
right by her. I'm not sure what that means, but I
guess talking with her would be a start.
But first I had to set things right with Apollo. I
owed Sheba th

~ ~ ~


It's hard to say at what point I started to get angry.
 You would think it was when Cassie slapped me right
there in front of everyone.  I mean, I wasn't the one
who started the fight and got the two of them
arrested.  For the most part I was pretty much an
innocent bystander in all this.  Okay, not totally
innocent, but I'm not the one security caught throwing
punches and clawing eyes out.  Cassie sure was taking
this to the extreme.

But that's not what made me mad.  I had that slap
coming to me.  I deserved it, and I took it.  Besides,
you've got to let Cassie be mad sometimes.  She almost
always comes back and apologizes.  It wasn't the slap
that had me mad, or even the fact that she sat as far
away as possible from me on the shuttle, glaring at
anyone who looked her way.

I think what really torqued me off was when Sheba laid
her head on Apollo's shoulder.  It was pretty obvious
at that point that she had told Apollo a lie, made up
some sort of story.  And that it woulat much. Hades, I owed myself that much.
Apollo and I went way back, and I wasn't going to let
the friendship end just because of my stupidity.
Maybe I ought to stop drinking for a while, ambrosia
sure can get me into trouble sometimes.
I stood there in the bay thinking about things in my
life I should probably change, and chewing up a
perfectly fine fumarello. I waited, and the longer I
waited the more clear thing became. I knew what I had
to do. I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to say.
I was tempted just to grab Apollo by his jacket and
drag him to the Life Center to see Sheba without
saying a word to him. To just let Sheba, explain it
all. But I knew that wasn't right. Besides, she'd
probably still be in surgery when Apollo landed.
I knew I had to handle this. Man to man, friend to
friend. If it meant letting Apollo take another swing
at me, so be it. Only this time I knew I'd swing
back. And I wasn't going to let him just walk off
again either. If I had to seal all the doors to
ld all come down
to me.  I'd be the one who would take the fall, take
the blame, and pay the price.  Oh yeah I know, it was
easy to blame me.  Starbuck, the ladies man.  I had a
reputation, justly deserved I suppose.  I probably
would have done the same thing.

Only Apollo wasn't getting mad.  He wasn't coming over
to talk to me.  In fact, he kept looking back at me
like he was sorry or something.  That's when it hit
me, Apollo believes all the rumors and stories.
Apollo isn't mad at me because he knows my reputation.
 He knows he can't trust me.  Probably never has.  He
knows what a screw up I am.

The thought made me mad.  For once I didn't start
this.  And there was Sheba, running to the safety of
Apollo.  Of course she'd pick him over me.  He's got
the connections.  He's got the pull on this ship.
He's a direct line to the Commander, and we all know
how she's used to special treatment being a
Commander's daughter and all.  Oh sure, it made sense.
 I'm just another warrior to toy with,anding bay then I would. He wasn't going anywhere
without me right in front of him. He was going to
have to knock me down in order to get by me. He was
going to have to listen to me whether he liked it or
not.
Not that I knew what I was going to say. I guess the
exact words don't really matter. What matters is that
Sheba loves him.
I kind of winced when I thought that. In a way I
guess it hurt. I thought maybe she had some feelings
for me, after that night and all. But it was pretty
obvious by now she didn't. For some reason I guess I
felt kind of jealous. I would like to have someone
love me that much. But instead I was alone again. I
threw down my fumarello in disgust. This was not like
me. I was always alone, it never bothered me before.
I was glad for Apollo that he had Sheba.
I just needed to make him see that he still had Sheba.
So I waited, and I thought about what I would say. I
didn't have to wait too long before he landed.
Boomer and Athena were the first to land. Boomer
started to use and
throw away.  I wonder how long before she convinces
Apollo to put me on the riskiest missions, or the
longest patrols.

Yeah, looking back it was stupid.  Sheba wouldn't do
that.  But I'd had a lot to drink, had lost all my
cubits, lost my girl and probably lost my best friend
too.  To say I was in a bad mood would be an
understatement.

Before we docked Boomer made a point of coming over to
me to ask what happened.  Boomer can always tell when
I'm about to boil over.  He's got this weird sixth
sense, or some sort of "Starbuck's mad" radar.
Believe me, he has kept Apollo and me from coming to
blows with each other, and with anyone else too for
that matter.  I didn't know what to say to him.  I
didn't know what Sheba had told him and Apollo,
although I could guess.  I grunted something at him
pretty noncommittal, mumbled something about Cassie
being mad at me, and he let it go at that.  I tried to
find out what Sheba had told him, but he was pretty
vague.  It just seemed to c to head over towards me, but Athena caught
that look in my eye. She knew why I was there and
distracted Boomer away from me. He flashed me a
fleeting look before heading towards decon. He was
worried as usual. But this didn't involve him. Best
if he just stayed out of it for now. He could maybe
help Apollo and I patch ourselves up later. My jaw
still hurt from where Apollo hit me. I'm not sure if
I could take him if he tried again. I guess I'd find
out soon enough.
Bojay was the next one in. He wasn't pleased to find
me there waiting. But he was smart enough to keep his
mouth shut. He tried to head past me without saying
anything. I didn't move towards him. I waited until
just before he entered decon to tell him about Sheba.
He was mad that I didn't take her back to the Life
Center the moment I found her in the corridor, but he
was too worried about her to take the time to yell at
me like he wanted to. He rushed through decon and
sprinted for the Life Center.
Last in was Apollo. Commanderonfirm it for me.  Boomer
would never say straight out to me "Starbuck you
screwed up."  Instead he says things like, "You know
you shouldn't drink so much."  Or what he said to me
in the shuttle, "You know, you could have handled it
better."

Yeah, I could have handled it better.  And what Boomer
said worked because I started to cool down.  That is
until we docked.

The moment the hatch opened, Cassie was out like a
laser bolt.  "Good, fine, leave me alone."  I had
mumbled aloud.  That's when Boomer put his hand on my
shoulder and suggested I head back to the barracks and
sleep it off.  I waited for Apollo and Sheba to exit
before I followed Boomer off the shuttle.  I watched
Apollo and Sheba get on the lift, and Sheba cast me an
apologetic wave.  I gave her the same face I give
people when I'm playing pyramid, blank, empty,
slightly confused.  It worked because she quickly
dropped her hand and looked away before the lift
closed.

Boomer said something to me again about heading to the Adama had come down to
the bay just before Apollo landed.
He came over to me and asked, "Waiting to talk to
Apollo?"
I didn't even look at him. I guess I didn't really
feel like talking to him about it. I didn't want to
involve him either.
"Yes sir." I answered.
"Tell Apollo I want to see him when you're done."
He turned and walked away. Just before he left the
bay he called out to me, "Good luck."
When Apollo landed I was the only one left in the bay.
The ground crew had even cleared out. Apollo popped
his canopy and looked around in confusion at the
emptiness of the bay. Then he spotted me, leaning
against a stanchion with my arms crossed. I heard him
sigh before he took off his helmet and got out of his
viper.
I waited for him to come towards me. I still didn't
know what I was going to say.

~ ~ ~ ~

I saw Starbuck in the bay, standing there as if he were waiting
for me. For a micron I contemplated going the other way, using the
decon chamber at the other side of the bay, but that
barracks, but I walked away from him and headed
towards my viper.  I needed to think, or at least cool
down, and I knew he wouldn't follow me as long as it
looked like I was just going to be alone with my
viper.

When I got to her, I slumped down on the deck near
her, leaning against one of the nearby supports.  I
was still feeling the ambrosia.  I don't know how long
I was there before Athena came up and startled me.

"Hey bucko, rough night?"  She said making me jump.
"Wow, you're jumpy tonight."

"Yeah, well, I was afraid you were Cassie coming to
plow me one."  I patted the deck beside me.  "Have a
seat and I'll give you the blow by blow."

"Yeah, I heard about that.  So who won?"

"You don't sound that shocked about it.  Is there
something you know I don't?"  I asked, truly curious.
It's not like Athena to take something like this so
casually.  I mean, she is good friends with both
Cassie and Sheba.

"No, actually I don't know too much, just what I
caught from overhearing sec would have
been the coward's way out, and it would have been pretty obvious.
Besides, my thoughts were still pretty jumbled up.
All the way back, I'd been thinking. About those two planets, and
how they'd destroyed each other, and what had been lost because of
it. About the long yahrens that Starbuck and I had been the best
of friends, all the things we done and shared. About Sheba, how
sad and apart she'd been when she first came aboard, and what it
took to draw her out and make her one of us. They were both
loners, in a way, each needing people around them, needing to be
accepted for who and what they were. And they were both people I
cared about...people I loved. Maybe not in the same way, but I did
love them both.
Who was I to say they had to be unhappy, if they found happiness
with each other? And why should I deny myself the glow of that
happiness, and their friendship, even if it was from...outside?
Lords, this wasn't going to be easy. I was still hurting. But I
wanted my friends to burity transmissions about a
fight between two gals from the Galactica, and they
mentioned Sheba's name.  I know what a temper Sheba
has so I didn't think too much of it until they
mentioned it was another military personnel from the
Galactica.  I wasn't sure it was Cassie until the
shuttle landed."

"Oh yeah, it was something.  You should have been
there.  Oh that's right, you were busy ditching us at
the time."  I said, taking out a cigar to smoke.

"I was not ditching you!"  She said taking a playful
swipe at my arm.

"Oww!  Have you been taking lessons from Cassie?"

"Oh very funny.  No, seriously, what happened over
there?  When we left, you and Sheba looked like you
were having a good time in the casino."  Athena
settled in beside me.  It was nice to feel her warmth.
 Nice and comfortable.  I was always able to talk to
her, to tell her almost anything.  At least I hadn't
totally screwed that up when I fraked up our
relationship.

Something about having Athena there beside me made happy. I couldn't make them miserable
because my feelings were hurt. No. I wasn't going to make life
difficult for them, I was going to accept it and smile for them.
Because they were worth it. And their friendship is important to
me. I'll bury anything else.
"Hi, Starbuck." I tried to smile a greeting, but I suspect it was
more of a grimace.
"Apollo, we gotta talk..." he started, talking fast.
I held up my hand. "Just wait, Starbuck, let me say something
first."
Before I lose my courage and the hurt shows, I added to myself.
"You know that I know what happened that night on the Rising Star.
If anything else happened, well, that's between the two of you. I
saw you and Sheba when I left, together. Look, you're my friends.
I want what's best for you both.
I want you both to be happy. And I'm going to be happy for you.
Okay, Starbuck? Just give me a little time, okay? Because you both
matter to me-"
"What?" His jaw dropped to the deck. It took him a centon or two,
but he finally forced out, e me
tell her almost everything.  Okay, so I dropped a few
details from the story, like Sheba kissing me three
times, and that I liked it.  I figured one kiss, a
short one, would be enough to get the story across.
You know, sometimes Athena really amazes me.  She
listened to me tell the whole story, listened to me
ramble about all the things I was feeling.

And then she put her arm around me and made me feel
better.  She told me that Apollo trusted me.  She knew
it was so or Apollo wouldn't have let me date her.
She assured me that Apollo had never worried about me
stealing his girlfriends.  She even offered to be the
one to talk to Apollo for me.

I told her not to bother, that I was pretty sure Sheba
had told him everything.  And if she hadn't, Cassie
probably would.  I told Athena not to be offended if I
kept a low profile for a while.  I had a feeling
nobody would want me around for a while.

She gave me a small kiss on the cheek at that point
and told me she'd always want me around"Apollo, you're an idiot. That woman
loves you. Enough to risk her life and to sacrifice everything
else to make it right with you. And she's worth it. I should know,
I kissed her - and then I spent two sectons watching her be
miserable because she knew she'd hurt you! And watching you be
miserable, too!"
I stared at him. This wasn't how I'd imagined the scene going at
all.
"Starbuck," I finally said, "look, I'm telling you, I've had a lot
of time to think about this. Don't feel you need to say or do
anything on my behalf or for the sake of our friendship. You
wouldn't be happy, I wouldn't be happy, and I know Sheba wouldn't
be happy-"
"Sheba doesn't love me," he said flatly. "And when I think about
it, I don't love her either. Not the way she wants to be loved.
But she does love you. And we both regret, more than you'll ever
know, what happened that night and how we screwed up all our lives
afterward. Apollo..." He swallowed; I think he swallowed fumarello
spit, he looked a little green as , at least as a
friend.  I told her she'd better not kiss me again,
that's how all this mess got started.  She laughed at
that.  I miss her laugh.

When my cigar was finished I was feeling pretty tired
by then and I walked Athena back to her quarters and
then headed back to the barracks.  I thought about
heading by Cassie's, to see if she was all right.  I
thought about it, then thought I'd better not.  I
wasn't sure if I could handle her taking a swing at me
right then.


~ ~ ~


Back on the Galactica, I didn't talk to anybody.  I went straight
to my
quarters and locked them, and poured myself about half a bottle of
something I'd been saving for a special occasion.  Don't ask me
why - I
know it's not like me, but I'd already been drinking, somehow it
seemed
the appropriate thing to do when you just found out your best
friend and
your lover might be...well, might be more important to each other
than to
you.

Somebody knocked, later.  I didn't open the door.  I didn't
answer.  I
he choked on it. "I'm sorry. It
was wrong. I was drinking, so was she, but that doesn't excuse it.
I was wrong. I hurt you, and...I"m sorry..."
He suddenly seemed to run out of words, but I'm not sure I even
noticed. It was finally starting to sink in, what he was saying -
and I was starting to believe he meant it. He really meant it.
And suddenly I didn't know what to think anymore. Everything
went...still.
Emotionally, I just didn't know... Was it relief? Was it
exhaustion? Was it hope? Was life worth living again? Okay, it was
what I wanted to be true, but...
I know I said her name. "Sheba..."
Starbuck sounded drained. "She's in life center, Apollo."
"I know." Still recovering from the injuries she sustained on the
planet, I knew.
"No, not just that. Something..." He shook his head. "She
shouldn't have sneaked out of life center. We shouldn't have spent
the day on the bridge.
She's back in life center, in surgery. It sounded serious, Apollo.
She needs you there. I know it. Or she won't m
still have no idea who it was.  But I didn't want to know, then.
If it
was Sheba, we'd've resumed the fight.  If it was Starbuck, I
didn't want
to hear the excuses and the lies.  And if it was anybody else, I
was
afraid I'd wind up crying and telling the whole story, and I
didn't want
anybody else to know.  I was drunk and I was feeling sorry for
myself.  I
kept thinking of dire things I could do to the both of them, and
none of
them seemed dire enough.  After yelling at the walls for a while,
I
finally cried myself to sleep.

Funny, everybody thinks I'm so in control and that I can handle
everything.  But this...

The next morning, it seemed like everything I touched was a mess.

My gown was totally ruined after being fought in and slept in.
The hem
was torn in three places.  There was a rip that started with a
hole that
must have come from Sheba's heel.  And the cleavage doesn't fit
the way I
remembered it the day before.  The stains, well, I think I'm
responsible
for those.

ake it. Because I
don't think she'll even want to try, if what we did had cost us
both your friendship...and your love."
Every thought narrowed down to Sheba in life center, in surgery,
dying without me there to hold her hand and call her back and tell
her I didn't want to live without her either.
I guess I was already moving. I think I heard Starbuck saying
something more, something about my father wanting to see me, but
it didn't matter.
Nothing did. I had to get to her.


~ ~ ~

I watched Apollo sprint for the Life Center, and I
know I should have followed. I wanted to go after
him, to be there for him. But I would have been out
of place there. I didn't belong there right now.
Maybe not ever.
I stood there in the bay just thinking about things
for a few minutes. I was very confused. Apollo
actually thought that Sheba and I were, were what? In
love? Lovers? Together? I couldn't believe Apollo
thought that Sheba and I would betray him so casually.
And that he was actually standing her
I had a hangover.  My head was throbbing.  Breakfast was out of
the
question.  My eyes were red.  I had bruises on my arms, my shin,
and a
particularly nasty one on my hip and backside - thankfully, none
on my
face where Salik would have noticed.

Salik knew something had happened, though, and he knew it involved
Starbuck.  He always knows.  After giving me something for the
hangover,
he made me sit down in his office and tell him the whole sordid
story.
What I'd seen, how I'd felt, what I'd done.  And then he held me
while I
cried again.  It felt safe telling him.  He's been a friend and a
mentor
to me ever since I came aboard.  He's been a surrogate uncle, the
kind
you can tell anything to.

Then he told me to go back to my quarters and get some sleep.  He
was so
understanding that I cried some more.

I didn't expect to find Apollo there looking for me.  For a moment
I
thought maybe he'd been the one who knocked during the night.

"You didn't get the hint last night?" I asked be in front of me
telling me it was okay. That he was happy for me.
It was just too much. I didn't know what to make of
it. I guess I didn't plan on Apollo forgiving me. I
had planned on his anger. I had thought I'd have to
do something drastic to win his friendship back. I
knew I'd have to remind him that Sheba loved him
but.But I didn't think he'd completely give up on her.
I didn't know what to make of it. In some ways I felt
even worse that Apollo expected me to steal his girl,
that he was okay with it. But then again, it felt
good to know that had Sheba and I really gotten
together that Apollo would have accepted it. He
wouldn't have let it ruin our friendship. And that
made me feel worse again. Apollo was a true and noble
friend. He was the bigger man and could forgive me
for what I couldn't forgive in myself.
I stood there paralyzed by the confusion going on in
my head before I finally got control of it all and
shoved it aside. It was too much to figure out now.
I knew I had to do soluntly.

He looked a little puzzled at that.  "What?"

"You didn't knock on my door in the middle of the night after I
went to
sleep?" I lied.

He shook his head, studying me.  "No.  To be honest, Cassie, I was
worried about you last night, but I figured if you needed to talk
to
anybody, it would be Sheba or Athena."

Oh, how little he knew.  Yesterday, I would have told Sheba
anything.
And I would have told Athena just about anything - which shows how
far
we've come in the past sectons, when Starbuck's not the issue.

I really hoped he wasn't going to start asking questions.  I still
didn't
know what to say.

He looked a little uncomfortable then, shifting his feet a little
bit and
glancing away, like he was trying to figure out how to ask me
something.

"Uh, it's pretty obvious you and Starbuck had a fight last
night...."

My first thought was, oh, let Apollo keep thinking that was all it
was.
Let him just back off and give us all time to sober up and pretend
nothing happenmething. What I didn't know, but
I had to do something. I couldn't just stand there in
the bay thinking about it all.
I didn't want to head back to the barracks. I knew
I'd probably run into Boomer wanting to know what was
going on. Or worse yet, run into the other guys as
they were laying bets on me and my friend's personal
lives. I'm not sure the Commander would appreciate me
starting a fight right now.
I started pacing, searching for a solution. I was in
the mood to talk to Cassie, to solve all of this right
now while I was on a roll. But I knew she would
either be in surgery with Sheba or getting some much
needed rest. I knew she would still talk to me if she
was resting, but that would be selfish of me to wake
her just so I could talk about what a jerk I've been.
That's when it came to me. I had pretty much made up
my mind as to where I should go and what I should do
when Athena showed up.
"Hey Starbuck, you coming to the Life Center?"

"Naw, thought I'd stay out of the way and let ted.  Maybe in a few days everything will somehow be
right

Then I though, like hades.  Something did happen.  All I needed
was a
reason to have broken up with Starbuck so publicly.  And frankly,
the
reason was right there.  The truth.  But only to the extent it
needed to
be told.

"Did Starbuck send you here?" I asked bluntly.

"No.  He hasn't said anything - and believe me, we've asked.
Look,
whatever it was about, you know Starbuck, it blows over, whatever
you
fought about-"

"It wasn't a fight, Apollo," I said to cut him off.  "Blows over"?
I'm
sure Starbuck would love for this to blow over!   But there are
consequences to actions.  And this time, I'm part of those
consequences.
Apollo is part of those consequences.  Sheba is part of those
consequences -- no, she part of the action that's going to cause
those
consequences.  And Starbuck's going to face them.  One way or
another.  I
know I was being cruel, thinking that way.

I think I could forgive Starbuck if it had been anyhem do
their jobs for a change." I flashed her one of my
sheepish grins. But I never could fool Athena.
"Starbuck, you okay?"

I flashed her my A-ok smile hoping that that smile
would do the trick. "Yeah sure, great!"

"Starbuck! It's me, okay?"

I dropped all pretenses of trying to bluff my way out
of talking to her. "Yeah, really, I'm okay. Just
got a lot on my mind."

"Apollo told me you two worked things out." Athena
said taking my hand.
Sometimes I wish she wouldn't be so touchy with me.
Reminds me of old times and I know I could easily slip
back into being with her. But I know it's not what
she really wants. She's just trying to be friendly
and it's just her way. I'm more like a brother to her
now and it's probably best this way.
"Yeah, I hope we have. I guess we'll see after Sheba
gets better." I stopped and thought for a moment and
realized that the answer to my dilemma was standing
right in front of me. "Hey Athena, you're a girl
right?"

"Uh.yeah, last I checked Starbuck.body else.  It
was
Starbuck, I understood that.  I would have hurt, bad, for a long
time,
like I hurt when I found out Cain was still married.  But I could
have
moved beyond it.  Knowing Cain taught me that.  I have a deep
capacity
for forgiveness, more than I should, at times.  Part of what let
me do my
job so well.

But not when it was this kind of betrayal.  My best friend...who
claimed
she loved his best friend.  No, this was something that shouldn't
be
forgiven.

I realized I was focusing on what Starbuck had done -- somehow it
made it
easier than accepting that Sheba had been part of it.  I think,
inside,
we have higher expectations of our friends than our lovers,
sometimes...

"Look, Apollo, I saw Starbuck kissing another woman.  And I meant
what I
said about it being over between us.  I've put up with that for
the last
time.  I trusted him.  I thought we had something.  But last night
showed
me just how little I mean to Starbuck.  It showed me how easily
relationships c I kind of thought
you already knew that though."

"No, what I mean is, could you help me with
something?"

Okay, I'll admit, Athena gave me the strangest look,
like I was crazy or something. And then her look
changed, like she was debating some heavy issue. She
answered very slowly.
"Starbuck.what are you talking about?"

She started to laugh when I explained it all to her,
like I was telling the funniest joke. She agreed to
head over to the Rising Star with me and help me solve
my problem.

~ ~ ~

When we came out of surgery, Commander Adama and Captain Apollo
were both waiting. Adama was sitting, trying hard to look calm
and patient. Apollo was pacing, and from the look on Galen's
face, he'd been doing it for a long time. (Galen is a very
competent med tech, but his bedside manner is a little brusque.)
"Sheba?" Apollo asked as soon as he saw me. He wore a look of
dread coupled with exhaustion.
"She made it through the surgery," I told him. "You'll have to
ask Dr. Salik for the pran be broken and how sometimes you can't trust the
people
you should be able to trust the most."  Maybe I shouldn't have
added that
last, but I couldn't help it.   I needed to say something or I was
going
to explode.  I turned away, biting my lip to keep from saying
anything
more.

I heard Apollo suck in his breath.  I knew he wouldn't push the
issue.

"I suppose I'm probably not the person you most want to talk to
about
this," he said, obviously awkward, "but you're a friend.  If you
need to
talk, I'll be there for you..."

I know that was hard for him to say.  He doesn't always know how
to
express his emotions, sometimes you just have to know the feelings
are
there.

"Thank you, Apollo."

Then he left.

And I realized I'd been biting my lip so hard it was bleeding.
Salik's
potion hadn't completely kicked in yet.  I barely got to the
turboflush
before I was throwing up.


~ ~ ~


What's going on?

And do I really want to know?

Somehow, I suspect not.  Sometimes, Stognosis."
Apollo went pale at that. I wasn't trying to be cruel, but from
the grave concern on Salik's face during the surgery, I didn't
really know what to say. I hadn't had time to talk to him myself.
I knew, though, that he was worried about Sheba. I didn't want to
make promises to Apollo that would get his hopes up, only to be
dashed in a few centons - and I certainly didn't want to tell him
to fear the worst.
Salik came out at that moment, and Apollo all but pounced on him.
Adama stood up too.
"Doctor?"
"Thank the Lords of Kobol you're out of there," I heard Galen
mutter. "If he'd asked me one more time, how much longer it was
going to be, I'd'a decked him, and not cared that the Commander
was here watching."
I gestured that he should take a break. Galen nodded thanks and
left.
He wasn't the only one who needed a break, I thought. Apollo had
a sort of fragile look to him, and if he didn't like what Salik
was about to tell him, I was afraid he might break. And knowing
Apollo, he wouldnarbuck's love life is one of
those
things I take on a "need-to-know" basis.  And a lot of the time, I
don't
need to know!

Everything was fine, last night.  We all went over to the Rising
Star for
a well-earned night out.  Things haven't really settled down since
we
took on that base star.  We've been getting as far away from that
sector
as possible, and keeping our eyes and scanners open for Cylons.
And
we've finally had a little breathing room to try and make a few
technical
improvements.  We never know when the Cylons could reappear; we
need any
edge we can get or create for ourselves.

And we have a destination, in what the Ship of Lights gave us.
Lords of
Kobol, I so want it to be our answer.  I understand my father's
yearning;
I feel the same.  If this is our refuge, our sister Colony, we
must get
there as soon as we can.  We have to bring our people to
sanctuary.  And
if the Cylons are hunting humans through out the universe, we need
to
bring them warning.  We don't know h't want witnesses to that.
"She came through the surgery," Salik was telling them. "I'm sure
you don't need all the details - suffice it to say, Sheba exerted
herself too quickly after the first surgery, and there were some
... unexpected side effects to some of her organs from the
extended chemical exposure she suffered on that planet. If she
gets through this night, she should make it."
"Can I see her?"
Salik frowned uncertainly. I stepped in.
"I think that would help her, Salik," I said. I didn't need to
give him details - he knew, like almost everyone else, what had
been going on the past few sectons. More than most, I guess,
since I'd confided in him several times.
After a moment's hesitation, he nodded. "Stay with her a while,
if you like. But put on steriles first. She's heavily sedated, at
the moment, and probably won't regain consciousness for a day,
but it'll do no harm if you talk quietly to her."
Apollo rushed past us all.
I saw the flash of gratitude in the Commander's eyes. "Thow much time we may have.

That a given, I was looking forward to an evening away from duty.
Even I
get tired of reports and patrols, though I know some of the
warriors
think I live and breathe them.

I don't really remember when Starbuck and Sheba disappeared.  We
weren't
worried about them - the Rising Star's not that big, and we all
knew
where Starbuck would be.

When the rest of us wound up in the bay, waiting for the return
shuttle,
Cassie decided to go looking for them.

Next thing I knew, I was back on the Galactica and turning right
around
because Starbuck showed up looking...well, I'm not even sure how
to
describe it.  He almost looked...scared.  Now, Starbuck isn't
scared of
much, except women, when you come down to it.  Now that he'll
admit,
anyway - and he won't admit he's scared of women, either.  But
I've seen
enough of his relationships over the years.  Everything's great as
long
as he's in control.  But when things go wrong, they tend to go
wrong
badly.

That ank you
both."
Then his gaze steeled. "Salik, your real expectation? Will she
come through this?"
"I wish to God I knew, Adama." He sighed and began peeling off
the sterile surgical robe, then glanced from me to the recovery
ward door for a micron.
"But I think there may be valid reason for optimism."
"Commander?" I asked. "Is he here because he heard?"
"Yes," Adama acknowledged. "But he and Starbuck had already
talked. Apollo told me, while we were waiting. He knows how they
both feel, about ... the situation."
"So it'll be all right," I said softly. "Apollo and Sheba will
work through this." I didn't add, "if she lives."
Adama nodded. "I have to return to the bridge. Keep me informed,
Cassie."
"I will."
With a glance at the door to the recovery chamber, Commander
Adama left, and I was alone with my thoughts.
So somehow Starbuck had made it right.
I wondered how he'd done it.
I felt a moment's sadness that my relationship with Starbuck
seemed likely to be the only real casualty of the lmust have been what happened last night.

Sheba said she thought Cassie saw something.  And by the time
Cassie and
Sheba hooked up, Cassie was mad.  Somehow, one of them said
something
that started a physical confrontation. I might have expected that
when we
first encountered the Pegasus - Sheba made no secret of her
contempt and
bitterness where Cassie was concerned.  But the mission to Gamorah
opened
both their eyes, I thought.  And their friendship seemed firmly
based.

So I was as shocked as Starbuck was.  Especially when Cassie
slapped him,
and announced that it was over between them, that she cared for
somebody
else.

But I didn't push it.  All three of them - Starbuck, Sheba, and
Cassie -
looked like they'd had plenty to drink.  From the way Sheba almost
seemed
to pass out when I poured her into bed, I thought maybe they
wouldn't
even remember it this morning.

But they do remember.  Or at least Starbuck and Cassiopeia do.

Sheba's acting like her usual self, and she getsast few
sectons' turmoil. But it had been inevitable - sooner or later,
something like this would have happened with him. I wondered, if
it had been later, with that much more time invested in each
other, would it have been even more painful to see our
relationship shatter? Would we have drifted to a point where it
didn't really matter or we didn't even notice? Had we already
been fooling ourselves, and this just revealed our delusion?
Would Apollo and Sheba find it easy to repair their relationship,
now that they both seemed to have decided they wanted to keep it?
It would be easy for Apollo not to trust her, after this, or to
have doubts rear their head any time they argued - and I knew
them both, they were each headstrong and determined, they argued,
a lot. Apollo wasn't the type to throw something like this in a
person's face, once he decided to forgive and put it behind him,
but it could be a wound inside him for a long time.
And Sheba... Well, knowing her, I wouldn't be surprised if she
 this blank look
when I
ask her what happened last night.  I think she feels guilty for
drinking
too much and losing control and getting into a fight with her best
friend.

Starbuck isn't saying anything - not to me, and not to Boomer,
either.  I
asked him last night.  I asked him again this morning.  Nothing.
His
jaw just tightens up and he gets this odd look in his eyes.  I
know it
must be serious.  When Starbuck stops talking, when he doesn't
even give
you a line, it's serious.  And sometimes all you can do is give
him space
and time to think it through for himself, just let him know you'll
be
there when he's ready to talk, and you won't hold it against him
that he
acted like an astrum in the interim.

So I went to Cassie.  She's a pretty clear-thinking woman, and she
understands more about life and men than most of us give her
credit for.
However mad she was last night, I figured by this morning she
would have
had time to calm down, and would be ready to confront whatever
happened,
and deal with it.  Or at least, she'd be able to give me a clue so
I'd
know how carefully to tread while Starbuck's getting over it.

I wasn't prepared for what she told me.

Cassie said she walked in on Starbuck kissing somebody.  I can see
why
that made her angry - I remember how angry Athena was when she
walked in
on Starbuck and Aurora, that one time, a long time ago. It wasn't
very
long ago that I wouldn't have really been surprised for one woman
to have
caught my buddy with another.  But recently...  Well, it seemed to
me
that things had changed.

Since Aurora, in fact.  When we found her alive, Starbuck seemed
to
revert to his old ways.  That didn't surprise me.  He seemed to do
a lot
of soul-searching.  And since then...well, looking back and
thinking
about it, I don't remember him seeing anyone else.  It's pretty
much just
been Cassie.

When she said it was over, I didn't know what to believe her or
not.  I
didn't know if she was being dramatic or deadly serious. 
insisted on carrying this like a burden and brooding over it. I
could see her wondering, at every future argument for a long time
to come, if this ... incident was the reason for it, if Apollo
was holding it against her. And she would bring it up - she would
ask him, in her own forthright way, if he distrusted her judgment
or her opinion because of this.
No, they might have decided they loved each other and belonged
together, but it was not going to be an easy voyage back to
trust.
If she lived.
I had the sudden conviction that she was going to live. Apollo
was with her now. She'd risked her life to try to reach him, and
to explain. He was with her, and he seemed ready to believe what
she said and give it another try. She would live.
"Hi, Cassie."
I came out of my thoughts with a start, and saw Yolaus in the
doorway, grinning at me. I must've looked troubled; his
expression immediately changed.
"What's wrong?"
I realized I'd forgotten - we were supposed to be going to the
Rising Star.
By With
Athena, I
think I'd've said it was dramatic.  But with Cassie...it was more.
I
could sense it - her anger was deep.  Whatever it was she actually
saw,
whoever it was, it hurt her badly.  She was holding in the rage by
force
of will alone, I think.  I don't think I would have wanted to be
in the
line of fire, if she hadn't.

Maybe that's what provoked it last night.  Maybe she saw Starbuck
and
whoever.  Maybe Sheba pried into it more than she should have.
Maybe
Cassie just lost control.

All I could do was tell her that I'd be there if she wanted to
talk, that
as a friend, I would help any way I could.  That's what I always
told
Athena when she cried about Starbuck - that I'd be there.

I should've kept a closer eye on my friends.  I was the senior
officer
there, in some ways I'm responsible for what they did, even though
we
were off-duty.  I should have paid more attention.  Maybe it
wouldn't
have happened if I'd been there...

I was the only other person who knew what wa then, he'd taken in my appearance as well as my expression.
"Surgery, huh? Was it bad?"
"Long," I admitted. "And kinda rough. It's ... a friend in
there."
He stepped in, looking concerned for me. "Do you want to stay,
just ... just in case, or just to be here?"
"If it's not too much trouble..."
"Nawh." He shook his head. "I understand. I can take a
raincheck."
I suddenly had to explain. "I'm not trying to get out of
anything, it is my friend in there... It's Sheba, we ... we go
back a long time, though we just got to be friends here..."
Now he looked taken aback. "No, really, I understand. My mother
was a doctor - that's how she met my father - he was Uncle
Salik's brother - they were at the medical academy together, he
introduced them. You wouldn't believe how many evenings Mother
got called in to the medical center for emergencies, and how many
times Father had to reschedule dinners and make last-centon
excuses for them at social events. Just a fact of life for a
surgeon."
For a micron s going on, and all I
could
do was watch as the friendships fell apart and the silences grew
longer.

I mean, what could I say?  Tell the truth to everyone?  Face my
brother
and tell him the woman I think he loved had kissed another man -
publicly?  Betray Starbuck's confidence by repeating what he'd
told me?
Destroy Cassie's effort to keep her head up, knowing her best
friend had
shaken up her life so thoroughly?  And Sheba - well, there were
two
possibilities.  I would either be dragging back into the light
something
she was trying to put behind her and was ashamed of, or opening up
emotions that nobody seemed ready to face.  And the longer I
waited, the
harder it was.

So all I could do was watch, and wish there was something more I
could
do.

Starbuck had confessed to me that he and Sheba had kissed, that
night on
the Rising Star, and he said he was going to keep a low profile.
So I
wasn't surprised that he basically disappeared over the next
secton.  He
had the furlon cominI couldn't believe it. Lords of Kobol, he really did
understand and it wasn't the end of the world or an unforgivable
infringement on his plans... Would he be just as understanding
about ... other things? Everything? I wanted to find out.
"Um, it could be long night shift," I said tentatively. "I could
probably use a quick cup of caff to keep me going, and a few
centons of different scenery and company, after I get rid of
these steriles..." Things would be fine if I were gone for half-a-
centar, I was certain.
His eyes lit up. "The mess hall isn't the Rising Star, but I'd be
happy to buy you a cup of caff and keep your company, if you
don't mind having somebody around who probably talks too much and
who'll try to divert your thoughts and make the night less long
and worrisome," he replied quickly with a smile.
"Let me get changed..."
We were on the way to the mess hall, talking, when we saw Giles.
He started when he saw me, like he was thinking about going the
other way.
Was it just seeing mg, so it wasn't as though he were ducking out
on his
duties.  And since we'd seen no Cylons since the base star battle,
we all
felt a little safer, a little freer.  But Starbuck so seldom takes
time
off, alone, without the rest of the squadron, that it was a bit of
a
surprise.  And he didn't tell anybody where he was going to spend
it.
Not even Boomer, and Boomer wasn't part of this.  Not even me, and
he
said he valued my friendship and could be honest with me, now that
things
weren't complicated by other emotions.  I suspected he'd gone to
visit
Chameleon, but if he wasn't going to say, I wasn't to press it.

Cassie continued to let it be known that she and Starbuck were
through.
She also let it be known that there was another woman involved,
although
she didn't say who.  She was tight-lipped about anything more, but
she
avoided the warriors like a plague, and told anybody who asked
that she
didn't want to talk about it.  Everybody respects and like her, so
they
respected her desie, the way things were, or seeing me with
another man?
I know I hadn't been the most social with Starbuck's friends, the
last while, but...
"Hi, Giles," I said with a smile. "Do you know Yolaus?"
He kept shifting from foot to foot as I made introductions, and
gave him a quick update on Sheba, with the word that Apollo was
with her, that things were still uncertain, but so far, so good.
Giles seemed pleased to hear it, but his mind was obviously
elsewhere.
Still, I didn't expect it when he blurted out, "You heard about
Starbuck and Athena?"
"Uh ... heard what about Starbuck and Athena?"
I heard him mutter something about being in the bovine droppings
now, then he said, "He and Athena ... they went to the Rising
Star ... together...."
I realized he must have decided that I was with somebody else
because I'd heard Starbuck was with somebody else. Didn't Giles
remember anything that had happened in the last few sectons?
"I hope they have a good time," I said. "I've certainly got no
reason to wre not to talk about Starbuck - they understood
why.
But Sheba...well, nobody really understood the fight between them,
but
everybody knows Sheba's temper and occasional arrogance.  They
assumed
Cassie had simply gotten tired of it and that whatever was said
between
them that night had been the last straw.

Sheba...well, I'm not sure what was going through her mind. She
didn't
talk about that night.  She spent a lot of time with Apollo the
first few
days after it.  But then...well, she started disappearing too.
She
started spending more time with casual acquaintances than with her
closer
friends.  She avoided me -- I can understand that, I must have
been a
constant reminder of Apollo and Starbuck both.  I assumed she was
trying
to make some decisions; it's what I would have been doing.
Starbuck
figured she was going to tell Apollo what had happened, but it was
pretty
obvious to me that she wasn't.

My brother...  I'm not sure how much he really understood and how
much he
was hopiish them otherwise." I smiled sweetly. "I need to get
back to Life Center pretty soon, so I can't talk long. See you
later, Giles."
Maybe Giles wasn't completely in the loop. Maybe he expected
that, with Apollo and Sheba getting back together - and the word
was already going around, too, I was to discover - maybe he
figured everything else was going to be back to what it had been
before, and that I'd be back with Starbuck too.
That wasn't going to happen. There was no reason for it to
happen.
Starbuck and Athena. That was interesting. They'd been a serious
item before I showed up, if the tales be true, and if Starbuck
was capable of being serious about anything. She and I had our
little competition, before I even realized I wanted to compete
for his affections. We'd become friends, and I thought she'd been
pretty clear that she and Starbuck were just friends, for a long
time now.
Starbuck and Athena. I wondered just what was going on, and which
of them was planning what...

~ ~ ~

What dng would blow over.  I know how personally he takes some
things,
and I could see he blamed himself for that whole night.  He tried
to talk
to Starbuck, but Starbuck disappeared.  He tried to talk to
Cassie, but
she told him, in so many words, that there was nothing he could do
about
it.  And Sheba wasn't saying anything so he didn't even realize
she was
so much more a part of it than she admitted.  It was obvious he
didn't
know.

I think that made me angriest of all.  Sheba wouldn't say
anything.
Starbuck, well, we know him.  If Apollo had known what happened,
he would
have been hurt, terribly hurt.  But I think he and Starbuck would
have
fixed it between them.  After all, I didn't destroy their
friendship, and
there was a lot more emotional investment there than in one
drunken kiss.

But Sheba...she pretended nothing happened.  She wasn't being
honest with
any of us.

At least Starbuck had the grace to be ashamed of what he'd done -
oh, he
belittled it, that night he talked to id I expect when I tiptoed into that chamber?
I'm not sure.
I've seen a lot of men and women die. I've seen a lot more
recover, slowly, with all the help that our modern medical
science can give them.
There was Sheba, lying in her life pod. There seemed to be twenty
different monitors all around her, recording everything from
pulse and respiration to renal output and eye movements for
centon, for all I could tell. All kinds of little pulses and low-
toned beeps and moving lines on computer screens.
All the evidence that she was alive.
I couldn't tell it from looking at her, from the door. She was
absolutely still, which is unusual for Sheba in the first place,
as anyone who knows her could tell you. I couldn't tell that she
was
breathing. Her eyes were closed. She was pale. There was one of
those caps over her head, and I couldn't see even a stray wisp of
hair.
It's amazing how much difference a little thing like that can
make. I stared at her for several centons, and I didn't see any
hairme, but his actions after
ward
proved it.  He was ashamed of it, as well as angry, I think, both
at
himself and at Sheba.

Sheba ignored it as though nothing had happened.

Or at least, that's what I thought, until...

I'd better explain how it happened.

It was about a secton after that night when we first picked up
those
mysterious intermittent signals.  They didn't correspond to
anything in
our code or warbooks.  The tension on the bridge was too thick to
cut
with a laser.  The fleet was heading into that sector of space; it
was
the heading the Commander was determined to follow; we had to
investigate.

Starbuck was still on furlon, still somewhere else in the fleet.
He
wasn't due back for another day.

Apollo and Boomer were on deep patrol, also not due back for a
full day.

Sheba volunteered.

I don't want to sound suspicious; she's volunteered for missions
before.
But for a woman who once accused my brother of taking all the high-
risk
missions, she did a pretty thoro. For the first few microns, I felt panicked, like I was in
the wrong room, this wasn't Sheba, where was her hair? And that
was followed by a flash of panic that maybe they'd had to cut it,
shave it off or something, and what might that mean?
She was proud of her hair. Not in that vain way, but she was
happy with that willowy blonde color and the way it waved and
flowed, in an absent-minded sort of way. She rolled or tied it up
out of the way for patrols and battle, very functional, but when
she let it down for celebrations, it was beautiful, it made a man
want to run his fingers through it. It wasn't vanity, it was just
... confidence in herself, in her appearance. A man recognized
that.
My feet started moving on their own, I guess. I didn't realize I
was walking toward her until I was standing beside that life pod,
looking down at her.
Then I could see that she was breathing, her chest moving up and
down.
Slowly. Shallowly. Steadily. Every breath monitored and measured
through those tubes ugh job of it herself.  In fact,
Jolly
and Cree both volunteered before her, but she overruled them.

Bojay even tried to take the mission away from her.  He outranked
her,
and secretly, I think my father was glad he didn't have to send
Sheba,
and then explain it to Apollo when he and Boomer got back.

But Bojay made the mistake of stopping to discuss up some
additional
information from Omega.  He was still on the bridge when Sheba
launched.
Then, it was too late.

And what happened after that, we're still waiting to find out...


~ ~ ~


I got back from patrol to find Starbuck waiting for me
in the bay.  I knew it had to be something important
because he had been pretty scarce ever since that
night on the Rising Star.  I thought maybe he was
gonna finally tell me what happened between he and
Cassie, and why it somehow had something to do with
Sheba and Apollo.

I know it really was not  clear to anyone else that
Apollo was somehow involved, but I knew.  I had seen
the way Starin her nose. No flicker to her eyelids. No
movement of her lips.
Dr. Salik had said it was very unlikely she'd regain
consciousness tonight.
There was a chair in the corner. I pulled it up beside the life
pod and sat down beside her.
Nobody had said I couldn't touch her. I put my hand over hers.
Salik said I could talk to her. So I did.
"Hi, Sheba," I began. "I'm here. It's me, Apollo."
I didn' know what to say after that, but I guess it didn' really
matter. We had a long night ahead of us. There would be time to
say everything I wanted to say to her. Even if she couldn't
answer.
I squeezed her fingers a little. I know it was my imagination,
but it felt like she squeezed back. I jumped a little, but there
was no change in any of the monitors, so I knew it couldn't have
really happened.
After that, I just let the words come out when I felt I could say
them, between hard swallows and long pauses. If she could hear
me, great. If she couldn't, well, at least I'd said them. If she
... didn't mabuck avoided Apollo, and even me for that
matter.  I think that's really what tipped me off that
somehow all of this was about Apollo.  If it was just
a matter of love or women, Starbuck would have
eventually told me, or at least let slip enough
information to where I could deduce that it was an
affair of the heart.  But Starbuck also knows that I'm
good friends with Apollo.  So to tell me, would almost
be like telling Apollo.

And rather than risk telling me or letting something
slip, he slunk away.  He even left the Galactica for
several days.  I tried to find him at Chameleon's, but
communications were shut down as soon as the Galactica
started picking up those odd signals.  They weren't
Cylon, but Adama isn't one to take any chances.  The
fleet went quiet.  I couldn't get through to the
senior ship, and I couldn't get time off to search the
rising star.

Plus, Athena had let something slip one evening in the
OC.  Something about how she hoped Starbuck enjoyed
his time away and maybe ke it, I needed to have said them. And if she did
make it, I was sure it would be easier to say them the second
time, when she was awake to hear them.
"I hope you want me here."
"Starbuck told me what happened."
"About that night on the Rising Star, and how you both had too
much to drink."
"And it happened. You didn't plan it. He was sorry. You were
sorry."
"You didn't know how to deal with it."
"He said you were trying to reach me before I left this morning,
to talk to me, to explain ... and to tell me you didn't want to
lose me."
"Funny thing is, on that mission today, seeing those two dead
worlds, I made a decision."
"I was going to step aside for the two of you, because I thought
that's what you both wanted or needed."
"And I wasn't going to stand in the way of the happiness of two
people I care about so much and would do anything for."
"And then I came back to find out you'd nearly killed yourself
trying to tell me the truth and make it up to me."
"You didn't have to do that, you knohe could figure his head out.
Then later in the conversation she said something
about Sheba acting strange.  Athena had given out
enough information to where I figured out she knew
more than she was telling.  From the look that she
flashed me, she knew that I knew that she knew what
was going on.  Oh hades, this is getting complicated.

So I was surprised to find Starbuck waiting for me and
Apollo when we got off patrol.

"Hey Bucko, enjoy your time off?"  I greeted him
clapping him on the shoulder.  I was glad to see him
again and thought maybe he'd finally spill all of it
and we could all go back to being good friends again.

He looked past me to Apollo before he said, "Sheba's
missing."

We headed straight to the bridge to find out that
Bojay was supposed to go on a mission to check out the
strange signals the Galactica has been picking up on
the long range scan.  Sheba had originally wanted the
mission, but the Commander chose Bojay.  Only Sheba
beat Bojay to the bay and launched ww. I don't want you to die. I
mean, come on, if you kill yourself, what good would it do me to
know you loved me?"
"And then I wouldn't have been able to tell you..."
"I love you."
"Please, live. Please live, Sheba. I love you..."

~ ~ ~

What can I say? Starbuck can really surprise me
sometimes. That night on the Rising Star was like no
other I have ever had with Starbuck. It was the most
exciting time I have probably ever had.
I guess the most shocking thing to me was the amount
of cubits he had on him. I don't think I've seen that
many cubits in one place before, at least not since
the destruction. He even had a whole fistful of Orion
checks. But then it dawned on me, what had he been
doing the last couple of sectons straight? Hanging
out on the Rising Star, gambling. If he couldn't
womanize, he would certainly be doing his next love in
life, gambling. Or was it his first love? I think
several women would argue it was his first love.
Apparently he'd found a new system, and won big!
ithout orders.
Adama let her go and put Bojay on reserve.  Sheba had
said something about seeing these kinds of signals
before, so Adama gave her the mission and told her to
take no chances.

Starbuck said that's about when he came back to the
Galactica.  He decided to report for duty early.  He
went up on the bridge just as Sheba was going out of
scanner range.  That's when it happened.  The
Galactica picked up a strange signal, only it wasn't a
signal.  It was a large electromagnetic pulse.  All
the scanners on the bridge went blank for just a
micron.

Starbuck said it was the eeriest micron of his life.
He did not know the bridge could be that silent.  "It
was like a tomb."  He said.  Then all the scanners
came back to life at the same instant.  "It was like
fireworks going off," he described, "with all the crew
going `Oooh, ahhh' in relief."

But Sheba was gone.   They had not picked up her
signal since.

As Adama briefed the three of us on where the signal
had originated and wheStarbuck treated me to dinner first, which he didn't
have to. I was more than willing to help him with his
problem. I've been around Starbuck long enough to
know that when he is unhappy, well, he has this unique
way of making everyone else pretty miserable. I guess
it's the consequences for the fact that when he's
happy, he can make everyone else feel great too.
Anyway, I wasn't up for the miserable part. We had
all had enough of that.
We couldn't get into the main dining lounge, but that
was okay. We ate at one of those little cafes that
are starting up around the ship. We had a really good
meal and started planning for the future.
"So Athena, I was thinking that maybe I would need to
buy a gift or something. You know, to make up for
everything in the past."

"Oh most definitely. Something very very nice. It
looks like you can afford it. And we all know how you
are with money Starbuck. You'd better spend it quick
before you lose it in some stupid bet with one of your
squadron mates." Athre it was aimed, I knew Starbuck
and I would be going out to find Sheba.  Officially
Apollo and I were assigned to head back out again and
begin searching, and to also investigate the pulse.
But Starbuck disappeared too quickly, before Adama was
done briefing me and Apollo.

Apollo saw it too.  He knew.  Starbuck has done this
before, with Serina.  It truly amazes me sometimes the
twisted way Starbuck's mind works.  At that moment it
would have taken a herd of wild Borays to force
Starbuck to talk to Apollo face to face.  He was that
frightened of facing his friend with whatever happened
that night on the Rising Star.  But Starbuck thought
nothing of taking a mission on which he had barely
been briefed, to face an unknown enemy and the void of
space.

I realized that day also how much Apollo values
Starbuck's friendship, because he let him go.  As we
left the bridge Apollo slowed down and then stopped
just before the lift to the Viper bay.  "Boomer," he
said, "I'm not sure what's going oena replied between sips of fine
ambrosa.
"Hey, none of my bets are ever stupid!"

"Please Starbuck, don't make me remind you of your
academy days. Let's see, there was the time you and
Ortega.."

"Okay, okay. You've got a point." Starbuck
interrupted. "Besides you're right. I can't keep
this much out of circulation. Might throw off the
whole fleet economy."

"You certainly did win big. So how did you do it?" I
think I'm one of the few women who enjoy listening to
Starbuck talk about his betting systems. I guess it's
funny to me how if you ask him to run a couple of
equations on the bridge he'll give you a blank bovine
stare and claim he can't add or subtract. But his
betting systems are the most elaborate equations I
have ever heard of. Plus it was nice to see a little
bit of the old Starbuck again, the happy Starbuck.
These last few sectons had been hell for him. Believe
me, of all the people in the fleet I know how close he
is to Apollo. This last few sectons are probably the
longen with all our
friends, and I'm pretty sure you're in the dark too."


I assured him I was as lost as he was.  Something that
started out as just an evening out with friends was
obviously causing some tremendous strife.

"You head out on the mission.  I'll catch up.  I need
to talk to someone first."  I watched Apollo take off
at a dead run down the corridor.

Sure enough, when I got to the bay, Starbuck was fired
up and launching.  I skipped the preflight check to
catch up with him.  I'll admit, I didn't know much of
what was going on, but I knew that Starbuck was going
to tell me what happened that night on the Rising Star
or I was going to blast him down myself!


~ ~ ~


Sheba was missing.

On a mission to investigate mysterious transmissions and an
electromagnetic pulse that had paralyzed the entire fleet for a
long
centon.

For a wild micron, I assumed the worst.  I've seen too many
friends die,
and too many others left behind to face their unknown fates alone.

Then I st the two have gone without talking and palling
around. And neither of them seemed the same without
the other around. I remember a time when the two
would finish off each other's sentences, or sometimes
would be with each other for centaurs without saying a
word, because they already knew what the other one had
to say. It was nice to know that they're friendship
had weathered through this crisis. Maybe not
completely unscathed, but I did know one thing about
Starbuck, one of his most admirable qualities. When
he decided on an action, there was no stopping him. I
could tell he'd decided to set things right with
Apollo.
Apollo could tell to. I'm glad Apollo had the sense
to forgive Starbuck. But then again, Apollo knew
Starbuck better than the rest of us. I'm sure he knew
it was easier to forgive Starbuck than to deal with a
miserable and forlorn Starbuck.
Starbuck completely lost me as he went on to describe
not one system, but three. Apparently he'd had more
time on his hands than I thougvowed Sheba wasn't going to be one of those.  At the very
least, I
would know what happened to her.  I cared too much about her not
to try.

I think that was the first time I really admitted to myself how
much I
cared.  Oh, Lords...  The thought of losing her, the way I'd lost
Serina,
was suddenly too much to bear, too much even to consider.  Even
the
possibility seared into my heart and soul like a burning sword
through my
body.

I was going after her.  No question.  I knew I didn't have to ask
Boomer
- he would go too.

Starbuck....  I wasn't sure about Starbuck.  I wasn't sure if he'd
cleared his head of whatever was eating at this the last few days,
and I
wasn't going to assume that he was even interested in this
mission, much
less in any state to go.  I wasn't going to push him.

But he was determined.  I could see it in his eyes.  There was
something,
something almost panicked, something fanatical.  He was going,
whether he
was assigned or not.  I didn't try to stop him.  Iht. Or was it that he'd
tried to cram his head so full of systems and
equations so he didn't have to think about anything
else? Well, it certainly had paid off. His emotional
vault may be a little empty right now, but his pockets
were full of cubits.
After we finished eating we began the debate on the
right kind of gift.
"I was thinking flowers." Starbuck said.
"Isn't that a little impractical? Besides, how are
you going to find flowers, every tiny bit of dirt is
going to growing food."

"Well, I know a few connections I could try."

"It's going to be expensive." I added.
"Money is not an issue right now. I don't give
rodent's astrum about the money!" Starbuck said with
a little more vehemence than I would have expected
from him. He was really serious about this. I guess
that shocked me even more than his overflowing
pockets.
"Okay, so flowers. What about some jewelry too.
Women love something they can hang onto and remember
you by."

"Oh I know that. Why do you think I always gave o let him go on
ahead.
I was grateful.  I figured our chances of finding Sheba, saving
her, and
coming back alive, had just improved a thousandfold.

I told Boomer to go on ahead.  I...  For some reason, I had to
tell
Cassie.  I know she and Sheba fought; I know they're been avoiding
each
other.  But I was sure that if Sheba didn't come back, Cassie
would
grieve as much as much I would.  Their friendship was that close.
She
had to know.  Maybe...well, maybe I thought that having her
thoughts and
prayers with us would be a help.

I know Starbuck would laugh at that.  He's like Tigh, he doesn't
have the
faith in the Lords of Kobol that my family does, not really.  But
I've
had time to know Cassie.  She does.

I never reached her.

Instead, I ran into Reese and one of his buddies, on their way to
wherever Council Security hangs out when they're not on duty.

I saw the two of them were talking; I heard Sheba's name, and
figured
they'd already heard.  When they saw me, the other guy sut
my insignia pin? You have no idea how many
inspections I have failed for lack of my insignia
pin." Starbuck said with a wistful smile on his face.
"That's information I just do not need to know
Starbuck! So are you serious about this or not? I
don't think an insignia pin is going to cut it." I
said laughing.
"Okay, how about my star cluster medal? That's got to
mean something?"

"No Starbuck, you need to think about what the woman
wants this time. It needs to be something totally
selfless. Think you can do that?"

"So what were all those suicide missions all about
then?" Starbuck asked sarcastically.
"Sure, it's easy to be brave when you're in your fully
armed viper facing a tin can for an enemy. But for
this mission you're going to need some real courage.
Are you sure you're up for this?" I really did have
my doubts about his ability to pull this off, to be
serious for a change.
He stared deep into my eyes and I was truly dazzled by
the conviction that shown in them. In all serioustarted
sniggering
a little and turned around, almost running off down a corridor.
Reese
had an odd look on his face, like his emotions were warring
between a
snigger and shock and sympathy.

"You heard about Sheba?"  I stopped long enough to tell him to
keep his
mouth shut and not worry the civilian population - if word was
already
out, who knew what the stories would be in a centar or two.

"Yeah...I heard...  Sorry, Apollo.  We may not have been pals, but
I know
what it's like to find out  something like this..."

"We'll get her back."  It sounded odd, but at that point, I was
grateful
for his good wishes, no matter what  motivated it.

"You really want her back?  After that?"

That took me back.  Hades, yes, I wanted her back!

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, her and Starbuck...."  He paused, looking at me.  "You
don't know,
do you..."

He had my full attention now.  "Know what?" I snapped.  At the
moment,
this was keeping me from joining Starbuck and Boomer, but somness
he said, "Yes, I'm up for this. Win or lose, I have
to at least try."

I took in a deep breath, "Okay, then I suggest
jewelry, something with diamonds, and maybe sapphires.
To remind a woman of your blue eyes."

"Alright, I think I know where we can find something
like that. Ready for some fun?" Starbuck's eyes
gleamed with mischief.
"Okay, where to next?"

"Let's check out some quarters I know of." Starbuck
settled the bill with the waitress. I was amazed. It
is the first time I've seen Starbuck not flirt with a
server. She still smiled at him prettily. He had
left a big tip.
Starbuck showed me things that night I have never seen
before. He took me places I have never been. I
learned more about Starbuck than I ever thought I'd
know, or ever want to know.
Of course a good girl like me, Commander's daughter
and sister to a Colonial Captain had no business going
where we went. I understood right away why Starbuck
had insisted I change into civilian clothing before
heading over to ehow
I
couldn't just walk away.

"About her and Starbuck kissing...a secton ago..."

"What?!"  I think I nearly took his head off, then and there.

He stepped back, looking a little concerned.  "Kairon saw it, on
the
Rising Star.  He was monitoring the bays that night, saw it with
his own
eyes...  They were snuggling together, kissing, practically
rolling on
the deck.  Cassiopeia walked in, that's what started the fight..."

I was frozen.  Stunned.  I couldn't believe it.  My mind couldn't
even
begin to process such a story.  It made no sense...

It made perfect sense.  Everything fell together.

Can you imagine how that felt?  I'd barely admitted to myself that
I
cared for this woman, that I might even love her - and suddenly
I'm
hearing that she's been kissing somebody else.  My best friend...
From
the heights, to the depths...  The fall is so much worse, it hurst
so
much more, that way...

But everything fell into place - Cassie, Starbuck, Sheba, the last
secton...

Did Ithe Rising Star. There is no way we
would have pulled all this off with me in my bridge
uniform. At every quarter we checked out, every
hidden hideaway and sleazy back corridor I was
questioned. Starbuck would just reply, "She's okay,
she's with me." That seemed to be enough to satisfy
everyone. It let me know that this was not Starbuck's
first dealings with these kinds of people. Scum is
probably what my brother would have called them.
Black market dealers my father would never have
approved of. It was shocking really. Shocking how
much Starbuck could procure that I would have thought
extinct from the fleet.
The flowers turned out to be no problem. The expense
was higher than I thought. Starbuck didn't even
flinch at arranging a steady stream of deliveries to
be made. I had forgotten how beautiful a simple rose
could be. But Starbuck didn't stop there. He ordered
live varieties too, pretty orchids in graceful pots,
water lilies set in wine goblets.
The jewelry turned out to be more of a c wait too long?  Did I say the wrong thing?  Did I not say
the right
thing?  What didn't I do or say or be that Starbuck did?

Lords, I felt so...sick.  Hurt.  Humiliated.  Like I'd been kicked
where
it counts and was groveling on the ground being sick in front of
the
entire Colonies.

"Apollo?"  Reese's voice was actually compassionate - I was
looking right
at him but I couldn't see his face, I didn't feel his hand on my
shoulder...  "You didn't know, did you...  Look, I'm sorry.  I'm
sorry it
happened, I'm sorry you had to find out this way...  Can I help
you with
anything?  Do you-"

Somehow I held up my hand and shook my head.  "No," I said.  I
know my
voice was too deep and I was breathing too fast.  "No, thanks, but
I'm
fine.  I...need to get to my ship..."

My Viper.  I needed to get to my Viper.  I needed to get into
space, away
from everybody, from the looks, from the whispers, from the
sniggers,
from people who knew, from the spreading rumor.

Maybe it wasn't true, I thallenge.
Diamonds were easy to find, surprisingly. But
sapphires were rare.
"Okay, I know one last place to try. I don't really
trust the guy. He's known for turning his own
customers into the Blackshirts for black market
activities." Starbuck told me as we headed into one
of the nicer areas of the Rising Star. "But the man
does have connections."

"Well, if you're not up to the risk Starbuck, I
suppose we could just give up." There's nothing quite
like daring Starbuck. Works every time. He knocked
on the door with determination.
We got lucky. The man had the most exquisite sapphire
necklace and matching earrings, the sapphires offset
by a sprinkling of diamonds. They took my breath
away.
"So do you think these will do?" Starbuck asked as I
gazed in awe.
"Oh yes! These are wonderful!" I hugged Starbuck in
my enthusiasm. "These are going to look wonderful on
Cassiopeia!"


It was very late in the cycle, almost the beginning of
the next cycle when Salik finally ordered me to get
someried to tell myself.

But I knew better.  I could see with perfect clarity, and
everything
about the last secton made sense.  And it hurt more than I had
hurt since
Serina's death.

I had to get to my Viper.  The only way I could make sense of any
of it
was to get Sheba back, and confront her.  Her, and Starbuck.


~ ~ ~


If I was Starbuck, then the planet below me would be a
tropical paradise full of gorgeous people.  But I'm
not Starbuck.  And as my luck would have it, the
planet is dry and barren, the atmosphere next to
toxic, too much carbon dioxide, not enough oxygen to
sustain life for long.

It's not like I have a choice though.  The pulse
disabled most of my systems.  By the grace of the
Lords of Kobol I was able to get the lifesupport
operational.  I have finally gotten some spark to the
engines, but all of my navigational equipment is
fried.  My steering capabilities are minimal.  I've
checked my coordinates three times now, only to get
three different answers from the rest. He had to threaten me to make me go to my
quarters, as I was planning on just catching a nap on
one of the empty beds.
I knew he was right though. I needed some real sleep,
and I knew he would come get me when or if Sheba
awoke.
I was half-asleep by the time I reached my quarters
and almost stepped on it. The most beautiful single
red rose was lying there before the door. There was a
simple card attached that read, "To Cassie, hoping for
a future together."

I was shocked. I had no idea how Yolaus had found
something so rare and precious. It must have cost him
a secton's pay. I was touched.
I had certainly received flowers before, dozen upon
dozen of them in my old career, my old life. I always
took them for what they were, a man trying in the only
way he sometimes could that he enjoyed my company. A
polite thank you of sorts. Some of the other
socialators actually resented receiving flowers,
perhaps wanting something more tangible. I took them
for what they were, a selfless act b navcomp.  I'm not
even sure if I can trust the scanners on the
composition of the planet below me.

But I don't have a choice.  I have to land and try to
get my communications back on line.  Maybe I can fix
the navcomp.  Maybe.  I'm not much of a technician,
but I know that I can't just keep wandering around out
here in space until I run out of fuel.

Why did I take this mission?  Why didn't I just let
Bojay take the mission?  It's not like I'm trying to
prove something to Adama.

Or am I?  No, it's not Adama I'm trying to prove
myself to.  It's Apollo.  I'm trying to prove to him
that I'm worthy of him.  But I don't feel very worthy,
not after what happened.

I wish he would stop being so nice to me.  I wish he
hadn't have believed me that night.  It was so easy to
lie to him.  Too easy.  I shouldn't have lied.  I
should have told him the truth.  I know now that he
probably would have forgiven me.  He hasn't pushed the
issue at all to find out why I fought with Cassie.
Instead he's y a man, something
frivolous perhaps, but still with a wonderful thought,
a gift of beauty.
But not since the destruction had I received flowers.
I was struck by how brilliant the red was compared to
the steel gray floor it rested on. It was truly
beautiful.
I place the rose in water, knowing it would not last
long. I took one deep whiff and fell asleep with the
scent on my mind.

~ ~ ~

I woke to the smell of that single rose, permeating my small,
cramped quarters, and the memory of Yolaus' silly grin after
telling me a joke that made me laugh. I couldn't help smiling all
the way through my turboshower and getting dressed. True, it was
too soon to be talking about a future together, but it was such a
romantic expression, it was lovely.
I was definitely going to hold him to that promised dinner! Who
knows, I might even buy!
I was almost out the door when I thought, why leave the rose
here? It was a short-blooming flower, to leave it here would
waste too much of its time. I decided to tabeen open and understanding.  He's been
attentive and available.

And I'm an Aquarian slug.  I have had a thousand times
to tell the truth.  I don't know why I haven't.  It
just gets harder and harder to admit that I lied.

It didn't help either having Starbuck act so cold
afterwards.  I tried to talk to him once.  I caught
him in the O Club.  But he breezed in, saw me there,
and breezed back out.  I tried to catch up with him,
but I couldn't make it look too obvious.  I made it
out to the corridor just as he was catching a lift.  I
yelled for him to wait, that I really needed to talk
to him.  He flashed me a look full of fire and
passion, but it quickly turned to a look of hate just
before the lift closed.  He didn't even try to stop
it.  Then he went on furlon off the Galactica.  Nobody
has seen him since.

I thought about talking to Cassie.  I tried to that
night, after Apollo put me to bed.  I couldn't sleep.
I really felt awful for the things I said to Cassie.
Plus, in a weird way,ke it with me to life
center. I could put it on my console. I could enjoy it my entire
duty shift. And others could
enjoy it with me. After all, how many opportunities did most of
us have to enjoy the true, fresh scent of a real, blooming
flower?
Walking down the corridor, thinking about the night before, I
found myself subject to more than a few surprised and outright
envious stares. Real flowers are rare and valuable, in the fleet.
Such a gift, for such a little time together - half a centar and
a cup of caff, a little walk to stretch our legs. Okay, a long
walk, and then he'd sat with me in life center for a while, too.
We'd talked about our designations and our days. He'd heard what
was going on with Apollo and Sheba - I suppose everyone has.
That's not going to make it any easier for them to work things
out, knowing everybody's watching them and gossiping. He helped
me take my mind off
it all, with his sense of humor. He had a way of making even a
day spent inventorying munitions sound  she is like my last link to my
father.  I went to her cabin to talk to her.  But she
wasn't there, or she wasn't answering.  I wandered the
ships corridors for a while feeling awful before I
finally headed back to my bunk.  I saw Starbuck
heading to his and I almost stopped him, but something
made me duck around a corner so he wouldn't see me.  I
just couldn't forget that look he gave me as I got on
the lift with Apollo.  I laid in my bunk until it was
time to get up trying to figure everything out.  I'm
still trying to figure it out.  I'm so confused.  I
love Apollo, I really do.  But, that kiss.  There was
something there that I haven't felt in a long time.
Apollo has been so good to me.  But sometimes it feels
too safe, too comfortable.  What I felt with Starbuck
was...oh I don't know.  I still haven't figured it
out.

Okay, time to try landing on this rock.  Wow, my
landing gear seems to be operational.  That's good.
Oh frak, it just folded back up.  What the hades, now
it's coming binteresting and funny!
We'd talked about where we came from. His mother was half-
Gemonese, and he spent yahrens on Gemon, as a youth - that
explained a few things, too. My having been a socialator before
the Destruction was neither the end of the universe nor cause for
joke or proposition, to him. It was ... a fact of my life, my
past. It didn't even need to be "understood," it just ... was.
I reached life center almost without noticing it.
It was quiet, at this time of morning. My first stop was Sheba's
ward. Her vital signs seemed to have stabilized during the night.
She hadn't regained consciousness, but we didn't expect her to,
just yet. In fact, it was better if she didn't, until her body
had more time to heal. Sheba was a difficult patient - she didn't
like being in life center and she would no doubt be insisting she
could leave far before she was really ready to be discharged.
Apollo was still with her, asleep in the chair beside her life
pod. His head had dropped to the pad beside herack out, and folding back up again.
Whatever that pulse was it has all my systems acting
like denubian slime devils.  Okay, the landing gear is
back out.  It's holding.  I'd better land now before
it folds back up.  Okay, here goes.  Oh what I
wouldn't give for some Starbuck luck now!


~ ~ ~


"Have a medical shuttle standing by."  That was the order.

"How many should we be prepared for?"

"Unknown.  Hopefully none.  We have one missing pilot, Lt. Sheba.
We
have three others on a search mission for her.  If we need you,
you may
not get much notice."

"We'll be ready."

Salik turned to me.  He studied me for a long moment.  I tried to
look
professional, but I knew he was seeing through the facade.  He was
remembering the kind of friendship Sheba and I had seemed to have,
before, and how many friends I'd had to worry about and watch die.
He
was remembering how hurt and silent and lonely I'd been over the
past
week, and knowing it was Sheba who'd caused it, wondering how I'd
han, and one of his
hands rested on hers. I had no doubt his being there was a big
part of her improving condition.
His face looked more at peace that I'd seen it in the last few
days. I noticed, after a few microns, that they were breathing in
unison, though his breaths were deeper than hers.
I let Apollo sleep, though I did shift the chair angle a little
so he wasn't so likely to drop his head from the life pod.
At my console, I double checked the patient roster and their
conditions, as I always do, and the nightshift medical activity.
Other than Sheba, there was nothing serious. No one had been
admitted during the nightshift. The crew seemed to be in
remarkably good health and avoiding injuries, these last few
days. That helped maintain my mood, too, although every centon or
so, it seemed, I kept glancing at my rose as the bud ever-so-
slowly opened, and its rich perfume spread.
Salik came in, sniffing the air. "Is that really a rose?" he
asked in wonderment.
"Yes," I couldn't help grinning.dle
it.  He wanted to spare me both pains.  Of seeing the suffering of
a
friend.  Of having to help someone I now despised.

"I know you're on the rotation, but I can send someone else," he
finally
said.

"I know my duty," I told him.  "Personal feelings don't get in my
way
when there are hurt or sick people."

He smiled briefly, an expression that turned his edgy, craggy
features
into something comforting.  "I figured that, Cassie.  But I wanted
to
give you the choice."

"Thank you..."  My throat tightened up, then, and I couldn't say
anything
more.  I'd had several crying spells over the secton, and he'd let
me go,
every time I needed a few moments alone to compose myself.  Salik
never
complained, or took me to task for them.  He never hovered,
either, or
acted like an over-protective father.  He just gave me the time I
needed.

I finally just nodded and began collecting a little extra
emergency gear
that I thought could come in handy.  The med shuttles are always
kept
supp "And where Yolaus got it, and on
such short notice, I don't know, but I'm going to thank him for
it appropriately."
"Yolaus-?" Salik looked astounded. "Yes, that was short notice -
he was only in here this morning, asking what you liked that he
could give you to thank you for what he called a wonderful
evening!"
"This ... morning?" That took a centon to sink in. "No, last
night - this was at my door when I reached my billet last
night...."
"Oh." Pause. "I don't think it's from Yolaus."
"But who else would...."
Hebe called Salik away at that moment, leaving me to wonder.
If it hadn't been Yolaus who gave me the rose, then who?
One of those other men who were supposedly going to be lining up
at my door? I laughed a little at that, feeling a bit
embarrassed. "Hoping for a future together" seemed a bit
presumptuous for that! I mean, there have been times, in my old
profession, when I would receive flowers or other gifts from
several men at one time, including men who wanted to meet me and
hadlied and ready, but sometimes, a med tech just feels there are
extras
that might be useful, and since I had time, I stocked up.

Then I headed for the shuttle bay to wait for the call that might
come.
The call that might mean Sheba was hurt, or dead, or with
condition still
unknown but being pulled from a damaged Viper.  The call could
come in
centons, or centars, or tomorrow, or never.

I wondered which I would prefer -- wounded or dead; sooner, later,
or not
at all.

Sheba.  The friend who betrayed me, who betrayed the man who might
love
her, who caused the man I loved to betray me.  The daughter of a
man I
had loved, for a long time, who could have been my own-age
daughter, too,
if time and circumstances had been different.

She had never accepted that her parents were estranged, that they
put on
a public face when needed because dissolution was out of the
question for
a hero of the Colonies, that their young love had faded into
apathy and
maybe even distaste over the years Cain spent in space.  In her
eyes,
they were still star-fated lovers, and always would be, and I was
the
reason for any long silences in the few times they were privately
together.

I found myself remembering Cain, and our times together.

Starbuck and Cain were a lot alike.  I always said I wouldn't
compare
them, but I couldn't help it.  They were both mavericks, excellent
flyers, skilled warriors, thinking in unconventional ways,
dedicated to
their friends, convinced that their own way was, if not best and
in
complete compliance with orders, at least forgivable for the
inevitable
good results.

Lucky at everything but love, it appeared.  Or maybe too lucky,
too
often.  Cain loved often, in his youth.  Then he married a
Councilor's
daughter in the heat of passion and maybe with a subconscious eye
toward
public appearance, and regretted with time.  But he had a
daughter.
Starbuck loved often and with passion, but never, it appeared,
deeply
enough to remain with the passage of time. plans to offer. But those men who wanted to meet me usually
identified themselves so they'd be sure I knew who to thank!
Starbuck-? No. He'd just gone to the Rising Star with Athena, why
would he be sending me a flower the next morning? He couldn't be
that crass, could he? Well, this was the man who'd taken both of
us to dinner on the same evening and given each of us one of his
insignia pins!
Or was it just an apology for the past few sectons?
No, "hoping for a future together" didn' sound like a simple I-
apologize-and-let's-be-friends-and-maybe-even-start-over gift.
I hoped it wasn't him. I wasn't sure I could deal with that
without exploding - or laughing. Could he really think, after
what had happened in the past few sectons, and my firm
declaration that I was moving on, that a flower was going to ...
to buy me back? Had he heard about Yolaus already and was trying
to cut in?
I mean, think about it. It was ludicrous. It was so ludicrous I
couldn't help but laugh. And then I couldn't stop.
"Oh, Starbuck," I whispered through the residual giggles, shaking
my head.
"That would be just like you - you think this has just come down
to a spat that you can get out of with some of your boyish charm
and daggit-eyes and a little-boy present. You really don't see
it, do you? Apollo went back to Sheba, so you think I'm going to
come back to you. You want it all to be just like it was. You
don't see the difference in the relationships we had...."
I couldn't help feeling sad about it - but it wasn't going to
make any difference. I wasn't being hard-hearted. I wasn't
demeaning his intent. I wasn't planning to make him suffer for
hurting me. I just ... realized I wanted something else, at this
point in my life, something he couldn't give me, at this point in
his life.
It wasn't even necessarily a future. It was something else, from
a relationship or maybe without a relationship. I wasn't even
completely sure yet what it was, but I did know, now, that I
hadn't found it with Starbuck.
I nee  And if he had left a
child
anywhere, he hadn't stayed long enough to know it, and none had
come from
the past to confront him.

Was Sheba somehow looking for her father?

We had finally become friends, here on this ship, after Gamorrah.
She
was lonely, alone; I had finally proven something to her, after
all the
years.  We shared confidences, maybe too many of them.  We ate
meals
together.  We attended triad games together.  We helped each other
select
or make clothing.  I joined her on her medical trips to the Orphan
Ship,
to help hold children's hands and offer smiles of encouragement.
We had
other friends in common, and spent time with them...

Were we friends because of Cain, or just because I was with
Starbuck and
she was trying to be with Apollo?  Was she so lonely that she
tolerated
me?  Was she a way for me to remember Cain and what we had?  Had
we
merely drifted together inevitably because of all those things?

Would we have been anything more than nodding acquaintancesded time to figure out what it was, and then to decide how
best to find it for myself.
And I'd told him that.
Had he ever heard the meaning of half of what I said?
I shook my head again. How should I deal with this?
Maybe I should just ignore it? I certainly wasn't going to
mention it to Yolaus - I didn't want him to think I was angling
for gifts. I spent enough time in the presents-for-my-presence
business, as some of the socialators put it!
Besides, there was always a chance, admittedly slim, that it
wasn't Starbuck, and in that case, I'd be making a fool of myself
as well as embarrassing him, if I took him to task over it.
No, I would simply go on with my day, and enjoy my flower -
although its scent seemed a little less sweet than it had only a
few moments before.
Maybe Starbuck would get the hint, from my lack of response, that
I wasn't expecting anything from him and wasn't going to come
cooing back to him now that Sheba was publicly not an issue to
him. If this was a one-time charm ef but
for all
that?

We had all been lonely, after the Destruction.  Few of us had
surviving
family or friends.  We were all in shock.  We were all just trying
to
survive.  We all grabbed onto anything that reminded us of home,
of
before.  Friendship, love...we all needed something to hold on to.
Did
that make it wrong?

Maybe "friendship" is the wrong term for what Sheba and I had.

Maybe "love" was the wrong word for what I thought I had with
Starbuck.

Maybe I had the wrong expectations.  Maybe I had the wrong
priorities.
Maybe I needed to reconsider a lot of things.

I was emotionally and mentally exhausted, worn out beyond the
ability to
think rationally about philosophical questions that I was a little
afraid
of the answers.

Sheba might be dying.  She might be dead.  And Apollo and
Starbuck, and
Boomer, were the ones who would find her.  If she could be found.

The tears started again, and I couldn't have even said who they
were for.


~ ~ ~


The flight was a drefort on his part, I would
just let it go.
And knowing Starbuck, his publicly-known availability would soon
be attracting its own attentions, which he would probably be just
as incapable of ignoring as he had been incapable of not kissing
Sheba, when the opportunity arose.
I realized that with resignation - it was simply a facet of
Starbuck's personality, at this point in his life. And it was so
much easier to look at from the perspective of friend or
acquaitance than it had been as lover...
"Cassie?"
I had to blink myself back to reality. "What is it, Salik?"
"It looks like our break is over. We just got a call from the
Orphan Ship - we seem to have an outbreak of some kind of flu,
and they're asking for help just to take care of the ill children
and inoculate as needed. I'm sending a couple of people over -
can you double check the shift roster and reorganize if needed to
make sure we're covered here?"
"Certainly." I glanced at Sheba's door.
"You'll be staying on the Galactica," he added. am.  No, a nightmare.  A silent, endless
nightmare.

I don't know what exactly was going through the others' thoughts.
Mine
were a jumble.

I couldn't focus on anything.  I kept staring at my read-outs and
not
seeing them.  I felt like I couldn't breathe.  I kept flashing
back to
that night on the Rising Star.  I kept wondering what exactly
Reese's
friend had seen, and what Cassie had seen when she walked in.  I
kept
imagining the situation...and every time I tried to block it out
and
focus on the mission, I kept drifting back to the Rising Star.
And every
time, the images were harder to deal with.

If I'd been thinking clearly at all, I would have realized that I
wasn't
fit to be out there.  I should have turned the mission over to
Boomer and
gone back to the Galactica, and let them follow her course and try
to
find her.

But I wasn't going to do that.  I couldn't.

I couldn't go back without finding Sheba, or at least learning
what
happened to her.  I needed to find her, and"After the last
two days you've had, I think you've earned it."
So I did. I was to wonder, later, if I shouldn't have asked to
go...

~ ~ ~

When I woke up the next cycle, I was feeling better.
Much better. At least I knew I could walk around
today without fearing a fist fight with Apollo.
Okay, it wasn't an "Everything is right with the
universe" kind of feeling, but I certainly felt better
than I had in a while. I've got to give Athena
credit, she was right. It was profitable in a sense
to do something nice for someone else.
I lay in my bunk for a few minutes just kind of
enjoying the smell of the bunkroom for once. Yeah,
the roses only masked the underlying odor of boots and
bodies. But for just a few moments I could forget
that Jolly has some of the rankest boots this side of
the Cylon Empire.
I finally decided that I'd better get up and deliver
those flowers before they started to take on the odor
of the bunkroom. Before hitting the turbowash I
walked over and took in a deep lung  I needed to find out
why she
did what she did.  The questions were shredding my concentration.

I couldn't go back and leave Starbuck out here, with all those
questions
that were running around my head.  Jealous and petty as it sounds,
I
wasn't going to let him be the one who found her and brought her
back.

I couldn't trust myself to talk to Starbuck.

And somehow, I found myself wondering if Boomer knew what had
happened.
That wasn't fair, I knew.  We'd just come back from long patrol,
nothing
had been different; he couldn't have kept something like that from
me,
we'd been friends too long...

But, a whisper said, it was my close friend Starbuck who had been
kissing
the woman I cared for - and she had kissed him back.  I didn't
which of
them had initiated the relationship, but somehow it felt like it
must
have been Starbuck.

Strange, I didn't want to believe that he could do that to me.  I
just
couldn't believe it.  But that meant Sheba had kissed him...

And that hurt jusfull of their
fragrance. No one had touched the vase holding the
dozen roses. I knew my note would deter even the
sneakiest of thieves. It simply read, "To Sheba, from
Apollo".
I swear Giles must have been perched up there on his
top bunk just waiting for me to wake up. If you want
someone to know something fast, just tell Giles. He's
worse than the IFB. I could tell by the grin on his
face and the way he was swinging his feet back and
forth that he had some gossip for me. But first, he
wanted to pump me for some more juicy morsels.
"So Starbuck, have a good time on the Rising Star last
night?" Giles tried to sound innocent, but failed at
it.
"Yeah I did Giles, what's it to you?" I took in
another deep sniff. Lords they smelled good.
"I heard Athena had fun too."

That got my attention. You know, sometimes I think my
old flight instructor was right. He used to swear
that I was mentally deficient, that I was a little on
the slow side sometimes. I had to agree with him this
time. I never t as much...

Finally, I deliberately shut myself off.  It wasn't easy.  I had
to keep
telling myself that the only way I could do my job was to turn off
the
emotions and forget about what had happened.  I had to focus so
completely on the mission that nothing else could even get into my
head
to matter.  It was cold and empty there, but it was where I had to
be.

I'd barely managed to force myself into that chill when it
happened.

Boomer noticed it first - he was probably the one of us most
focused on
the mission.

"Another signal!" he yelled.  "It matches the one we picked up in
the
fleet!"

"Locate the source if you can.  Any sign of Sheba?"

"No-"

That's when the second pulse hit us.

Everything went wrong.  My ship lost power.  My navicomp went out.
My
internal computer whined and then seemed to shut itself down.  I
could
smell ozone, which mean something was wrong with life support.  I
was in
the dark.

I tried to reach Boomer or Starbuck, but my comm system seemed even thought how it would look heading
over to the Rising Star with Athena. I mean, we are
just friends now. Oh sure, I could see it now in
living color, thanks to our own personal broadcast
system named Giles. It made sense for him, and
everyone else, to think I was after Athena again.
Technically I am a free commodity right now.
That thought was a jolt to the system. All this time,
all these sectons, it never really dawned on me. I
could be dating anyone I wanted. I could have had
almost any server I wanted over on the Rising Star. I
could have been patrolling the lounges, locking on
target with several young women. I guess the shock to
me was, I didn't. I wasn't interested in that.
Then I got the other shock that almost stopped my
heart. I didn't want anyone else. I really wanted to
be with Cassie.
Those shocks were minor tingles compared to the
lightning bolt Giles delivered next.
"It seems Cassie had a good time too, right here on
the Galactica. Yolaus sure didn't waste any time
makito
be
dead.  My voice echoed in my own headset with a strange emptiness.

As warriors, we're trained to deal with ship malfunctions and
battle
damage, and to make quick short-term repairs.  There are back-ups
and
built-in redundancies for the most vital systems.  We carry tool
kits,
survival gear, and some replacement parts.

I needed everything I had, skill and technology and a lot of luck.
I
don't know how long it took me to get light back, and to make sure
my
life support was functioning - even my wrist chron was dead.  It
felt
like centars were passing, but I know it couldn't have been that
long.

My next priorities were scan and comm systems.  I had to know
where I
was, and what was around me, and I had to be able to find out what
had
happened to the rest of my team.  That, of course, assumed they
were able
to get their comm systems operational and could respond to me.
But at
least I could contact the Galactica and let them know what had
happened.

"Blue One calling Blue Fng his move. Who would have thought he had it in
him? So do you think you could take him in a fight?"

"Why, what are the odds on Yolaus?" I kind of enjoyed
the weird look I got back from Giles. "You know
Giles, you're just not that clever. I know what
you're up to and it's not going to work."

I turned and headed for the turbowash. It was not
going to work. I was not going to let him get to me.
So he know something about Cassie and Yolaus. So
what. I knew she'd have a line outside her door the
second I was gone. She's gorgeous, smart, funny,
talented, and her past career didn't hurt her chances
with half the guys on the Galactica either.
I wasn't going to let it get to me. I knew I'd had
competition. At least now I didn't have to waste time
figuring out who. In fact, I kind of liked the fact
that I might have a little competition. It certainly
kept the game more interesting. Besides, I knew that
it was a long shot that she'd even speak to me again,
let alone date me again. So let her havour and Blue Six."

"Welcome back, Captain."  Boomer's voice was relieved, but somber.

I wasn't surprised Boomer already had some of his ship's systems
back
online.  He's a technical whiz.  Wilker's already put in a request
for
him if he ever decides to retire from his Viper.

"Hi, Boomer.   What's your status?"

"Not good.  I think I can limp back to the Galactica, but there's
no way
I can stay out here.  How about you?"

"I'll let you know in a few centons."  I had to wait a micron
because I
could ask, "What about Starbuck?"

A long silence.

"I don't know."

"He's not back on line?" I asked.

"He's gone."

Gone...  All I could think of was that he was dead, and I felt my
guts
savagely kicked again and every molecule of air expelled from my
lungs.

"Boomer--"

"I've got scanners back, a little.  There's no debris, I don't
think his
ship exploded, but I know he's not here.  I don't know how long we
drifted, or what direction, but we're still in formation. He
should still
be with us.  But he's not."

I stared out my window at the darkness and the distant stars.
They
seemed very far away, out of reach.  I felt inconsequential, as
though no
one out there, no force or entity anywhere, could hear me or cared
what
happened to me and my friends, at that moment.

"I don't know where he is, Apollo.  He's...not here..." Boomer
said more
softly.

Neither of us wanted to think about the alternatives.

"We'll find him," I said.  It was automatic.  It was what I was
supposed
to say in times like this.  It....  I'm not sure I meant it.  I'm
not
sure I felt anything.  I wasn't lying, I wasn't deluding
myself...I don't
know what I felt or meant.

Now that I had Boomer's expertise available, I was able to make a
few
more repairs pretty quickly.  Then we turned back to the Galactica
to
limp home.  There was nothing else we could do, at that moment.

But the search wasn't over.  No, it wasn't over...


~ ~ ~


I know why Sheba took that mission.  I would he some fun,
find out what's out there. It would give her a better
perspective. Make her realize that I was the best.
For one brief moment, when I knew I was alone in the
turbowash, I had the urge to bang my head against the
wall. I almost did, but pulled back at the last
moment, just resting my forehead on the cold tile as
the water ran into my eyes. I stayed that way for a
while, taking in deep breathes.
I couldn't let it get to me. Seriously, I couldn't,
even if I had wanted to. It's just not my style. I
knew that this was a long shot and I had made up my
mind that win or lose, I was going to follow it
through to the end. I had a plan of action and no one
was going to deter me from my objective. When this
all was done, at least Cassie would be able to say
that I tried.
I got dressed, grabbed the flowers and went looking
for Apollo. I stopped off at the galley first and
picked up some food for Apollo. I figured if I found
him where I thought he should be, he wouldn't have
eaten. I figureave done
the same thing had I been on the Galactica.  I should
have been on the Galactica.  Then it wouldn't have
been an issue at all.  I would have taken the mission.
 Or at least I would have taken the mission with
Bojay.

But I knew why she took it.  The same reason that I
snuck out of the Commander's briefing and ran for the
landing bay.  Sheba and I are a lot a like sometimes.

Boomer and Apollo would catch up to me eventually, but
I hoped that by then I would have a good fix on where
Sheba was.  I could tell from where we last picked up
her signal and based on her current trajectory where
she would most likely be found.  I didn't see the
point in listening anymore or waiting up for Boomer
and Apollo as their vipers were refueled and checked
out when I knew mine was primed and ready to go.

I was surprised when I saw Boomer launch so quickly
and then heard his voice in my com, "What's up Bucko?"


I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.  He knows me
pretty well.  I didn't answed it was the least I could do since it
was kind of my fault that he was there, that she was
there.
I had no idea that she was that ill. Hades, had I
known, I would have carried her right back to the life
center the moment I found her crawling down that
corridor. I wish that's what I had done. But let's
not go there. There were about a million things I
wished I had done different. No sense going there.
Just focus on what I'm going to do now.
As luck would have it I ran straight into Cassie at
the life center. I am truly amazed sometimes at the
small amount of sleep she can survive on. I'm
starting to wonder if she ever sleeps. She has got
any warrior beat. I had checked her duty schedule and
she was supposed to be off this cycle. But then I
should have known with Sheba still in the danger zone,
Cassie wouldn't take time off.
I wasn't ready to face her yet. It wasn't in the game
plan yet. I wasn't supposed to meet up with her again
until the next round. I hadn't planned what I was
going to r him at first.  It wasn't
a simple question.  I didn't have a simple answer.

Boomer didn't know all that was going on, and I liked
it that way.  I didn't want him to be the one to tell
Apollo how I screwed up.  Boomer always winds up being
the one to clue Apollo in to whatever stupid thing
I've done.  I was kind of enjoying the fact that for
once Boomer was in the dark, too.

Besides, I figured Cassie had told them all about it
already, so what was the point in Boomer hearing it in
my words.  Cassie was still seething with rage at me.
I could feel it's heat all the way over on the Rising
Star.  On my furlon there were certain waitresses,
friends of Cassie, who wouldn't serve me, looked the
other way like I wasn't there.  Even Chameleon noticed
it, made some comment about how you would think the
ladies would be happy that the charming Starbuck was a
free man again.  He finally asked me straight out why
they were being so hostile towards me.  I shrugged it
off, made up some story about gesay. It was too soon.
I knew she had gotten my rose because the first words
out of her mouth were, "Starbuck, I can't accept
these."

I didn't give her time to go on. I knew it would be
another speech about how we don't belong together, how
we had grown apart, we should move on, or something
along those lines. I didn't want to hear it right
now. Besides, I was on a mission.
"Cassie, don't take this wrong, but they're not for
you."

I breezed past her before she could say anything else.
Athena had been right, even if she was a little crass
about how she said it. During all this I needed to
keep my mouth shut and let my actions speak for
themselves, she told me.
"Starbuck, you're not good at verbalizing your
emotions. Everything comes out sounding like a line."


I breezed past Cassie and headed for Sheba's room.
Apollo looked like hades. I could tell he hadn't
gotten much sleep, and he had lines on his face like
he had fallen asleep on something uncomfortable. He
was holding Sheba's htting too drunk one
night.  It was the truth, sort of.

Plus I figured that Athena would have told someone by
now.  I guess that's why I told her so much that
night.  I was kind of hoping she would tell Apollo in
her own way.  Okay, so I told her out of anger too.
Anger at how Sheba so easily turned back to Apollo
like nothing happened.  If nothing happened, then
Sheba is a better bluffer than I am.  I wanted Athena
to let her brother in on the secret, that his
girlfriend wasn't as wonderful and sweet as everyone
thought.  It wouldn't sound quite right coming from
me, Starbuck, the ladies man, the rogue, the
two-timer, the man who cheated on his sister, and now
with his girlfriend.  But I didn't kiss first!

That was my line of thought when Boomer asked again,
"Starbuck, what is up with you!"

I answered him angrily, "I know where Sheba is.  I
didn't see the point in wasting anymore time talking."


"That's not what I'm talking about Bucko.  Come on,
spill it."

I thought about it. and and talking to her softly.
He didn't notice me right away I tried to just leave
the flowers and the food and sneak out. I had gotten
in the way enough already. Damn those metal trays the
galley uses, it clattered as I set it on the floor.
Apollo jumped at the sound.
"Hey, I'm sorry. I thought maybe you might need some
food. I'm going." I tried to make my exit, but
Apollo stopped me.
"Thanks Starbuck. You don't have to go."

"Yeah, I do. I really shouldn't be here. Uh, these
are for you." Apollo gave me a puzzled look as I
handed him the vase of roses. "No, um, not like that.
They're for you to give to Sheba. If you want to I
mean. I just thought it would be nice."

Boy was Athena right, I don't verbalize well at all.
"Thanks, that was nice," Apollo said slowly, then
started to hand the vase back to me. "But I can't
afford to pay you back for these."

"Heck, you paid for them. Not me." I interrupted
him. "I mean, every time you invested in one of my
systems and lost. Well, the inves I really thought about it and
realized that I should tell him and then he could clue
Apollo in like he always does.  He was good at it.
That was Boomer's job I guess, being my conscience.
And I would have told him everything if Apollo hadn't
launched right then.  I knew Apollo would be in com
range soon.  Boomer knew it too.  I wasn't about to
tell Apollo, not yet, not while we were out searching
for his lost girlfriend.  Even I have some tact.

"Later Boomer."  I said.  "For now, let's just find
Sheba, okay?"

"I think that would be easier to do if you told me
what was going on."  Boomer said with a sigh and
pulled his viper into formation behind mine.

"What's going on?"  Asked Apollo as he came in range.

I cut Boomer off before he could say anything.  "I'm
pretty sure where we can find Sheba."

There was a long pause before Apollo answered me.  In
fact I wasn't sure if he was even going to answer me.
When he did it was the cold and detached voice I knew
so well from being on dutytment finally paid
off. So in a way, you paid for them, not me."

Apollo smiled at that. "Yeah, I guess I did pay for
these then didn't I?"

"You sure did. Only don't ask me where I got them.
I'd hate to lie to a superior officer."

Apollo shook his head at that one.
"Okay, I won't ask. Yes, I would like to give these
to Sheba," he hesitated, as if on the verge of tears,
"when she wakes up."

I gave him a moment to pull himself together before I
asked. I hated myself for asking, but I had to know.
"Is she going to be okay?"

"They don't know yet." Apollo turned back to Sheba.
I quietly said, "I'm sorry", but I don't think he
heard me. I slipped out before I got all choked up
myself. I knew she was there because of me, and there
was nothing I could do about it. No amount of cubits,
dozens of flowers or fancy gemstones was going to
change that. I suddenly felt like punching something
or someone.
Don't worry, I didn't. Even when I ran into Giles
lurking in the corridor, I just gave him with Captain Apollo when he
had other things on his mind.  That pause told me
everything I needed to know.  He blamed me for Sheba
taking the mission.

And he was right.  It was my fault.  I should have at
least been on the Galactica.  Sheba took this mission
because of me.  It sounds crazy, but it's true.  I
know and Apollo knows.

I headed towards the planet I had calculated on a
hunch that Sheba should be.  I kicked in full turbos
without saying anything to Apollo and Boomer.  Boomer
tried once or twice to get some conversation going, or
to let us know what he was picking up on scanners.
All he got was silence.  I was starting to kind of
feel sorry for him, stuck in the middle the way he
was.  I was about to say something, to at least answer
him,  when I picked up another signal, like the ones
the fleet had been receiving.  I knew before Boomer
said anything the location of the signal, and what
would happen after the signal.  I aimed the nose of my
viper as precisely as I could and g a glare. I
knew I didn't want to punch him, or anyone else. I
wanted to punch myself. I would have too, if I
thought I could keep from ducking.
Instead I went to work on the next phase of the game
plan.
ot ready to flip to
my engine's back up generator.  I knew I'd only have a
milicenton to pull this off if it was going to work at
all.  I didn't have time to tell Boomer and Apollo
what I was going to try to do before my instrument
panel went dark.

I would never have bet on the odds of the maneuver
working, of being able to switch power sources at the
same moment as an elctro-magnetic pulse went through
my systems, and the engines still keeping a spark.
But it worked.  There I was hurtling through space,
engines ablaze, with no navigation controls, no life
support, no emergency lights to see by, no instruments
whatsoever.  Even my helmet had gone dark.  I grabbed
my emergency air tank from under my seat.  I wasn't
going to touch a thing until I got closer to the
planet for fear that my engines would cut off and I
wouldn't be able to get them to spark again.  I had no
way of knowing if Apollo or Boomer had time to
complete the same maneuver.  My scanner was dark and
looking out the window