"This is journalator Aphrodite, here to interview the heroic and charming Lt. Starbuck as part of the Warrior of the Centar Show.... Videolater Paparazzi: (Groaning.) Again? Starbuck: What's wrong with interviewing me? Aren't I worth interviewing? Don't the civilian ladies love it when you interview me? Are your ratings higher than for any other warrior interview? Especially when I take my shirt off? Incidentally, I'm due to take my shirt off again, it's been quite a few episodes, and besides, it's in my contract. Paparazzi: (Groaning louder.) Again? We gotta stop letting Aphrodite pick her own interview subjects - she always wants to interview Starbuck! Aphrodite: Well, if you don't like it, you can always watch this thirty-fifth secton anniversary episode of.... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 245 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where- Paparazzi: No, no! Interview him, interview him! Aphrodite: Too late. You're stuck. Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where.... (Has Paparazzi stopped sobbing? Good.) Where Starbuck is strolling the deck, looking bored. Starbuck: I'm bored now. Apollo's off on the bridge with Commander Adama trying to save the universe from Iblis. Tigh and the other colonels are playing bridge with a full house and half a deck. Boomer's lost somewhere in time with Barbarella and the mysterious Doctor trying to save us all from this alternate timestream. Lords only know what's happened to Jolly over there on that ship full of children and the ominous Damian. Nobody's paying any attention to me. I think it's time I take a Viper and sneak off on an adventure. Attractive dark-haired tech: Hi, Starbuck, what are you doing hanging around the landing bay? Starbuck: Oh, nothing much. I'm certainly not planning on taking a Viper and sneaking off to have an adventure, if that's what you mean. Same tech: You're not? Oh, darn. Things have been so quiet around here, I've been hoping for somebody to do something adventurous and exciting. Starbuck: Well, actually, if you promise not to tell anybody, that's exactly what I'm planning on doing. Same tech: Ooh, goody! Is it something where you're likely to lose your shirt? Starbuck: I hope so. Same tech: Me, too! Good luck! Have fun! And try not to meet any blondes this time! Between Cassie and Tenna and Miri and Gabrielle, I'm starting to get a complex. Starbuck: Hey, I've tried the brunettes. They're too much trouble. You'll notice that since Aurora and Athena, I've switched. Same tech: Hmm, maybe I should dye my hair.... Starbuck: Maybe you should. Maybe you should do that right now, while things are so quiet. Same tech: You're right! The timing's perfect! And it'll give you a chance to jump into the nearest Viper and sneak away for that adventure! I just finished tuning up that one, by the way. By the time you're back, I'll be a blonde! Or maybe a redhead! Which would you prefer? Starbuck: Consider the way I've been losing blondes, maybe I should switch to redheads. Same tech: Red it is! (Races out of the bay.) Starbuck: All right, she's gone. Now's my chance! (Jumps into the nearest Viper - not the one the tech suggested - and launches.) [Rigel and the dread captain Robert appear from behind a fortunately not-quite-so-near Viper.] Rigel: Whew! I thought he'd never leave! Robert: Come, sweet Rigel, let me take you away to the Bakeryship and bestow the sweetest of my sweets upon the sweetest of the sweet.... Rigel: Oh, Dread Captain Robert, you say the sweetest things.... [They disappear into the Bakeryship shuttle, and launch. Meanwhile, out in space:] Starbuck: Hmm, I wonder how come the bridge didn't ask who was launching without clearance and try to stop me? Did Rigel go on furlough without telling anyone to take over her duties? That doesn't bode well.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a member of Red Squadron say, "Nothing exciting ever happens around here." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 246 Scene: Back in the O Club, where several members of Red Squadron are clustered around a table, drinking their drinks and looking bored. Tom: I am so bored.... [A panel on the wall pops open, and a group of Miri Feathers warriors jump out, spears in hand.] Missouria: Take position here, warriors! We'll get 'em as they come out! Avona: Think they'll risk the light? Missouria: I'm more concerned with them risking the alcohol! [The Miri Feathers quickly take protective stances behind tables, chairs, and columns; one of them hops across the Red Squadron table, nearly upending a baharii as she does so.] Harry: Hey, watch it! You nearly spilled my baharii! Thamesa: Sorry. Dick: *Sigh.* Nothing exciting ever happens around here.... [Out of the open panel can be heard the sounds of low growling. Several sets of green glowing eyes appear in the darkness. Tom gets up and heads toward the bar - just as Thamesa throws her spear through the open panel. It narrowly misses him, and vanishes into the darkness. The eyes vanish for a moment, then reappear.] Thamesa: Hey, watch it! You nearly got in the way of my spear! Tom: Sorry. Harry: I mean, can we help it if we're not in Blue Squadron? Aren't we entitled to a little action? Couldn't we lose a shirt once in a while? [A mysterious gurgling sound can be heard from somewhere above. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a ceiling panel drops to the floor, and a veritable flood of suds comes pouring into the O Club, sending waves lapping against the wall, upending furniture, and then streaming into the open panel in the wall. Red Squadron quickly grab their bahariis and hang on dear life; the Miri Feathers cling to their spears. From the open wall can be heard the sound of half- drowned pooches yipping as the spectral dire daggits flee the unwanted bath. The flood leaves behind a group of very wet and sudsy warriors - the women of Blue and Red Squadrons, last seen in mutiny on the laundry ship.] Brie: (Pushing hair out of her eyes.) Where are we? Dietra: (Standing up and shaking off the water.) We're in the O Club of the Galactica! We made it! Gemi: Hey, as long as we're here, let's have a few bahariis! Brie: Don't you think we're wet and sudsy enough? Gemi: To drink, this time. Dietra: I'm all for that.... [The women cluster around the bar.] Samson: Here you go, ladies. Tom: I just wish something would happen around here once in a while that we could be part of. You know, that 'live the adventure' thing we were promised when we signed up to become warriors. [The door opens, and one of the regulars enters.] Crowd: Norm! Diana: Norman. Norm: Hey, Sam. Anything exciting happening today? Samson: Nah, nothing unusual. Same old, same old. Baharii? Norm: Actually, I'm in the mood for something different today. How 'bout a vino? [Silence falls over the Club; everyone stares in disbelief.] Dick: Norm ... wants a vino? Harry: Not ... a baharii? Tom: Lords of Kobol, it must be the apocalypse.... Let's get out of here! [In two microns flat, the club is empty - Miri Feathers, dire daggits, wet women warriors, every Tom, Dick, and Harry, even Samson is gone. Norm glances around, then grins and goes around the bar.] Norm: Gee, I guess I have to help myself ... to a couple of bahariis.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "We're not on the Galactica any more." X-UIDL: e8="!hI2"!mV="!=3D!! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 247 Scene: On board the TARDIS, where Boomer and Barbarella are now the companions of the mysterious Doctor. The TARDIS console panel is making its usual peculiar selection of noises and the panel is rising and falling, indicating travel in progress. Boomer's still in uniform, Barbarella's still in Ganymede's original taking-over-the-universe Flash Gordon style gown and headdress, and the Doctor's in a cricket outfit. Sport, not bug. Although he might be luckier with the bug, considering what's going to happen.... (Fortunately, they did get a chance to finish their caff - one good thing about being able to grab a few extra centons here and there.) Barbarella: (Studying everything in the control room, looking dubious.) So you're trying to tell me that this contraption of yours can go anywhere in time and space? Doctor: That's why it's called a TARDIS. Barbarella: That's not logical. Boomer: Is it logical for this machine of his to be so much bigger on the inside than it is on the outside? Barbarella: (Pondering.) Well, no. Boomer: Is it logical for the Doctor to be a blonde when, the last time I saw him, he had a mass of curly dark brown hair? Barbarella: What's unusual about that? It's called a dye and perm. Boomer: But can they become young blonds of 25 yahrens or so when they were 125 yahrens old with gray hair when I first met them? Barbarella: They can - but only their hairdresser and plastic surgeon know for sure. Doctor: (Shaking his head.) Your people approach this aging thing far too scientifically, Barbarella. You ought to try regenerating. Totally unscientific, always interesting, usually unpredictable, and generally lots of fun. It works for us Gallifreyans. Barbarella: What are you a doctor of, anyway, Doctor? Doctor: Oh, this, that, whatever strikes my fancy. [The control panel settles down with a wheeze, and falls silent.] Doctor: Ah-hah! We're here! Let's go! [The doors open, and the intrepid trio steps out of the TARDIS ... into the middle of a very wet, dripping, rain foresty place.] Barbarella: Uh, where are we and what happened to the ship? Boomer: We're not on the Galactica any more. Barbarella: But we were only in the TARDIS for a few centons - there wasn't time to leave the ship. Doctor: (Grinning.) Not only did you leave your ship, but we're now over ten thousand light-years and two thousand years away from it. Barbarella: What's a light year? Doctor: Oh, that's right, you use yahrens, not years. Barbarella: Ten thousand light-yahrens away from the Galactica? In a few centons? That's impossible. It's as unbelievable as ... as a backpack-sized mass spectrometer being operational in the middle of a rain forest without any available power source! Boomer: It may be impossible and it may be unbelievable, and it's certainly not a backpack-sized mass spectrometer - but it's the truth. And if you look around, you'll see we are in the middle of a rain forest. Barbarella: And two thousand yahrens? Doctor: Well, I was shooting for thirty. Barbarella: Hmmm. Doctor, are you sure you can control where this TARDIS of yours goes? Doctor: Well, sometimes the old girl has a mind of her own. Boomer: Sort of like Barbarella? Doctor: Exactly. Barbarella: So we aren't exactly where you intended to be? Doctor: Not exactly. [Boomer and Barbarella exchange glances.] Boomer: How far off are we ... and where are we ... exactly? Doctor: Uh.... Barbarella: I was afraid of that.... So what do we do now? Doctor: Considering what just came out of the rain forest and is heading for us, I'd suggest ... run! Boomer and Barbarella: Aaaaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the Doctor say, "Boomer, you're as inventive as always." X-UIDL: [J6!!dVV"!Xb'#!T9_!! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 248 Scene: A rain forest, where Barbarella and the Doctor are huddled together under a bunch of large generic leaves which protects them from the view of a group of metallic beings moving through the forest. Barbarella has a number of leaves stuck in her headdress. Three things: Exterminate! Exterminate! Barbarella: (Whispering.) What are those? Doctor: (Also whispering.) Those are Daleks! Barbarella: What's a Dalek? Doctor: That is. Barbarella: But what's that? Doctor: A Dalek. Barbarella: I think I can see where this conversation is going.... [Boomer appears out of nearby underbrush.] Boomer: I left a false trail, they should go right by us. Doctor: Excellent Boomer - you're as inventive as always. Barbarella: So what do Daleks do? Doctor: Go around trying to exterminate all sentient life as we know it. Barbarella: That's not nice! Doctor: Daleks are not known for being nice. Barbarella: (Studying the creatures.) Of course, there's one saving grace.... Doctor: A saving grace? To Daleks? Barbarella: No legs. A tall enough flight of stairs, and we can save the world. Doctor: Smart woman. They also don't handle ledges very well. But you'll notice we don't have any stairs or ledges here. Boomer: (Grinning.) But we've got mud. Lots of mud. Very thick mud. And a lot of it is hidden under these water puddles everywhere. [Even as he speaks, as if prophetic, the lead Dalek begins to sink....] Dalek #1: I am in a mud puddle. I am sinking into the mud. Dalek #2: I cannot help you. I am also sinking into the mud. Dalek #1: We must exterminate the mud. Dalek #2: Mud is not alive. We cannot exterminate mud. Dalek #3: Why are we following a trail into the mud? Dalek #1: Because that is where the trail goes. Dalek #3: Then we must follow it. Dalek #2: We will all sink into the mud. Dalek #3: But if the humans have come this way, they must also be in the mud. Dalek #1: Then we will exterminate them in the mud. Dalek #2: It could be interesting. I understand humans have a sport called mud-wrestling. It looks like fun. I have always wanted to try it. Dalek #3: We do not try human sports. Dalek #1: I am going under - burble, burble..... Dalek #3: I think I will take my next vacation on Arrakis. Dalek #2: Been there, done that. Got sand in my gears and froze up for a month burble, burble.... Dalek #3: Burble, burble.... [The trio come out from under the generic wide leaf, dripping wet underbrush. All are thoroughly soaked - but not sudsed.] Doctor: That's very clever, Boomer! Boomer: Starbuck's not the only one who can come up with great ideas. And if they ever stopped treating me like a jack-of-all-flunkies, they'd know that. Barbarella: What's a month? Doctor: (Shrugging.) Just a time unit. All very relative. Boomer: Since I'm guessing this isn't where I need to be- Doctor: It isn't. Boomer: Then let's get back to the TARDIS and leave this mudhole. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Barbarella say, "But Doctor, the TARDIS is in the other direction." X-UIDL: m-o"!S]G"!e$7!!/Wc"! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 249 Scene: The beautiful New England countryside. A blue British police box materializes in the middle of ... nowhere. Barbarella: Where are we? Doctor: Somewhere in New England. Barbarella: Where's New England? Doctor: Here. Barbarella: But- Boomer: Let's not go there again. Doctor: But you haven't been here before, how can you go here again? Barbarella: How about Old England? Doctor: You haven't been then either. Barbarella: Then? Not there? Why not? Doctor: Well, if we can convince the TARDIS to go then- Boomer: How about if we just figure out what we're doing here and now? Barbarella: What's the difference between Old England and New England? Doctor: Depends on the year. Barbarella: What's a year? Doctor: On Earth, 365 days, and a bit. Boomer: We're on Earth? I thought you said we were on New England! Doctor: New England is on Earth. And here we are, now. Barbarella: My head is spinning. Doctor: (Helpfully.) I'm sure if you got rid of that hat it would help your head. Boomer: At least you wouldn't bump into things every time you turn around. Doctor: I know I felt better after I got rid of that awful old hat I used to wear. Barbarella: Hmm, good idea. I think I will. (She removes the hat and ruffles her hair.) Doctor: See? Boomer: I liked your old hat. Doctor: I've still got it somewhere in the TARDIS, you can have it if you like. Barbarella: Doctor, you're right! I feel much lighter. In fact, I think I'm thinking better already! Doctor: And what are you thinking? Barbarella: I'm thinking we'd better get out of here before those junior Cylons reach us. Boomer: Junior Cylons! Doctor: Those aren't junior Cylons, those are Cybermen! Boomer: What's the difference? Doctor: Practically? None. They both wear suits of metal, they both hate humans, neither of them have good aim, and they'd both try to kill us. Run for it! This way! Barbarella: But Doctor, the TARDIS is in the other direction! We can just leave! Doctor: Well, what kind of adventure could we have if we ran in that direction and just left? Boomer: I'm not here for an adventure, I'm here to fix time! Doctor: Trust me, there's always time. Cyberman #1: We have been observed by humans. Cyberman #2: We must destroy them before they can report our presence. Boomer: Frak.... [Our heroes take off as fast their little tootsies will carry them.] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Hallelujah!" X-UIDL: ~GA"!+&m"!((P!!4&%#! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 250 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where one Commander Adama is about to explain to his three sons, his one daughter, and his three colonels about they're going to save life, the universe, and everything from Iblis. Adama: Now, my sons- Athena: *Ahem!* Adama: Now, my children- Cordelia: (Rushing onto the bridge.) *Shriek!* Adama: Oh, no! Not her! (Taking one step back and falling off the command dais.) Athena: I'm getting out of here - oops! (Trips over stack of books and videos, falling into the hole Omega dug back in Episode 244 and vanishing from sight.) Zac: Thank Kobol I'm not operating now! (Crouching behind Athena's console, just as the stack of books she tripped over tumbles over and falls on top of him.) Zeb: I can hear my guitar strings popping already - but I'm not moving, I'm not moving! I'm not going to fall off or trip over anything.... (A ceiling panel drops on top of him.) Voice of Miri Feather warrior echoing from conduit: Oops, sorry, Commander. Majer: (Sighing.) I'll get maintenance.... Cordelia: (Pausing and posing dramatically.) Apollo! Oh my dear, beloved Apollo, whom I worship more than life itself and would do anything for! Apollo: Cordelia! Oh sweetest of the sweet.... (Falls over his own two feet as he steps toward her.) Tigh: Isn't that Dread Captain Robert's line? Apollo: (Staring up at her from the deck.) I love you too and would do anything for you - but this isn't a good time. Cordelia: But we have to talk, Apollo! It's important! It's about our sealing! Apollo: What about our sealing? Adama: (Climbing back to the dais.) Can't you talk about that later? Cordelia: No, we have to talk about it now! Athena: (From the hole, where, if one looks closely, she is clinging to the edge by her fingertips.) Has this got to do with my bridesmaid gown from Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe? Cordelia: Much more important than that! Zeb: (Finally shoving aside the ceiling panel enough to sit up again.) If it's about the music, you have to stay away from me so I can live long enough to finish my music video. Cordelia: It'll include the music, but not at the moment.... Apollo: Do you want to move up the date? We could get married tomorrow, if you like. Cordelia: Ummm, let me check my palm pilot.... Apollo: I thought I was your palm pilot. Adama: (Grumbling.) No, you're just the pilot in the palm of her hand, wrapped around her little finger. Cordelia: No, tomorrow won't work. Tigh: Could you please just tell them what you need to talk about so we can get on with Adama briefing his children on why they need to help him save the fleet? Pascal: Good question! Why should we save the fleet?! Adama: We're saving the fleet and that's final! Apollo: So what is it, Cordelia, with eyes of sky blue, hair of golden sunshine, rosy fingers of dawn, and the figure of a Greek goddess? Not that I know what a Greek goddess is, of course, but it must be wonderful if it has a figure like you.... Audience: Ewh! Cordelia: I'm sorry, dearest of dear hearts, eyes of warm jade, hair of midnight on a moonless night, my reason for living and breathing - but I can't marry you after all! (Sniffing delicately, she turns and rushes off the bridge.) Apollo: Cordelia! No, wait! You can't do this! You can't leave me like this! [Apollo prepares to rush after Cordelia, but trips over the ceiling panel that Zeb is still half sitting under and nearly squashes him, rolls into Zac and sends him flying, then stumbles into the hole in the deck, and disappears from sight. The last sounds heard are the shrieks and thuds as Athena and Apollo go tumbling off into the conduit.] Adama: Hallelujah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "I'll kill him." X-UIDL: QdA!!aCY!!OaG"!7;m!! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 251 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where Adama is performing an impromptu jig. Adama: Woo-hoo! Cordelia's not going to marry my son! I don't have to send him off on any more long-range missions! I don't have to be the bad guy and forbid him to get married! I don't have to spend sleepless nights worrying what's going to go wrong next! I won't get a call from life center every twenty centons - and that's not counting what might happen the wedding night! Tigh: Sir, that's undignified. Adama: Uh ... you're right. We must be dignified. (Holds up a hand for a high five, which Tigh obligingly gives him.) Pascal: What was that!? Majer: I'm not sure.... Tigh: It's a high five. It's another reason Adama will never trade me in as executive officer. I'm the only one who understands his secret hand signals. [From the hole in the deck come the sounds of scrabbling and scuffling. Everyone freezes and gasps.] Majer: Oh, no, is it the spectral dire daggits? Pascal: Maybe it's the Miri Feathers with their pointy things! Tigh: It must be Cylons trying to sneak up on us! Adama: (Peering into the hole.) No, it's just my children trying to get back to the bridge. Here, Apollo, take my hand.... Apollo: (Hollowly, from the hole.) Thank you, Father. (Clambers out.) Athena: (Hollowly, from the hole.) Hey, what about me? [Bridge crewman Tiki rushes to assist, gazing adoringly at Athena as she climbs out.] Tiki: I'll help you, Athena.... Apollo: (Glancing around wildly.) Cordelia! Adama: (Catching his arm.) I'm sorry, son, but she's gone. It's one of those things we have to accept in life. Remember the good times and let go of the bad. Look at it as a learning experience and move on. There's more than one fish in the sea. Apollo: There's more than one book in the library too, but that doesn't mean I want to read them all! Adama: Apollo! Don't talk to your father that way! Pascal: Right! Captain Apollo, don't talk to your father that way! Adama: Stop sucking up. You're not going to be my executive officer. Pascal: Darn! Adama: Apollo, where are you going? Apollo: I'm going to kill him. Adama: What? What are you talking about? Apollo: Cordelia. Pascal: Hey, she's not a him! Adama: You're going to kill Cordelia? Well, if you must... Apollo: No, not Cordelia! (Heading for the door.) I've figured it out. I left her on the Rising Star, at Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe.... Majer: You're going to kill Amanda? That could be interesting.... Apollo: No! She was with that waiter of Sire Uri's.... Tigh: At least we're getting the gender right.... Adama: You can't kill Sire Uri! I mean, much as we'd all like to, he is an important person in this fleet, and the owner of the Ultra Salon. Without him- Apollo: No, not Sire Uri.... Mauser, that was his name. Adama: Oh. So you're going to kill the waiter? Pascal: That should be all right, nobody will miss the waiter! Majer: Until somebody has to wait for something! Apollo: No, I'm not going to kill the waiter! I'm going to kill Starbuck. Everybody: Starbuck! Why? Apollo: It's obvious! I left Cordelia on the Rising Star. Mauser must have taken her out to the Salon - and Starbuck must have been there gambling. They must have met - somebody probably introduced them. Then he probably started flirting with her, maybe he even took his shirt off, and the next thing she knew, she was in love with him, just like Athena used to be, and Cassiopeia, and Noday, and Miriam, and Sheba, and Belloby, and every other woman in the script.... So I'm going to kill him. It's for the good of the fleet. I have no choice. (Leaves the bridge, leaving everyone else still trying to follow the logic before they can follow Apollo.) Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear journalator Koppel say, "This is journalator Koppel, with breaking news from the Galactica...." X-UIDL: ASd!!MD"#!A^,"!!=R!! "This is journalator Koppel, with breaking news from the Galactica. This stupendous, shocking, totally unexpected news has left this journalator stunned, unable to so much as articulate a single thought. This news will leave the fleet reeling, shaken to its very roots, incapable of comprehending the depths of what this news might mean. This news could have incalculably traumatizing effects on our very existence. Details at eleven. But first, the thirty- sixth secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 252 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where everyone is still shocked at Apollo's decision to kill Starbuck - especially since Starbuck left seven episodes ago, although they don't know that yet. See what happens when a few vital cogs in the performance of the ship's daily functions leave? No Omega, no Rigel, and nobody knows what's going on- Audience: Cut the minor character bias and get on with the episode! Narrator: (Sulking.) Oh all right.... Tigh: Sir, we've got to stop Apollo from killing Starbuck! Tiki: Why? Tigh: The audience would never stand for it! Majer: He must have gone insane from being dumped! I know that would make me insane. Pascal: Doctor Zac! You must do something! You're the doctor! Zac: Hey, I'm a doctor, not a therapist! I can sedate him but I cannot make him sane. Athena: All because he thinks Cordelia fell in love with Starbuck? My brother's an idiot. Nameless Female Crewman: I'd'a been in love with Starbuck, if it woulda meant I got a line. Athena: Believe me, you'd have gotten a line - but it wouldn't have been in the script. And you'd probably have wound up on the cutting room floor. Or on some other floor. Nameless Female Crewman: At least I'd'a had a name. For that, I'd even have put up with a Viper launch tube in Alpha bay! Athena: Sorry, hon, already taken. Adama: Stow it, Athena, female crewman, this is no time for your feminine whining. We've got to worry about Apollo. Athena: (Glaring.) Who's whining? Am I whining? Did I whine to anybody here? Majer: Not me. Tigh: Uh-uh. Zac: Medically, I would definitely not call that whining. Although the other gal could technically have been whining.... Zeb: Uh, while you're all deciding if there's been whining, and since Apollo's gone anyway, can I leave now too? I've got a music holovid to finish, and we're paying for those leonines by the centar from the Featherstar. Adama: No! You have to stay here so we can face the greatest danger to the fleet since the Destruction of the Colonies. Tigh: Worse than the attack at Carillon? Pascal: Worse than what happened at Arcta?! Majer: Worse than the Terran Alliance episodes? Tiki: Worse than the laundry strike? Adama: Yes, worse than all of them rolled into one! Everybody: (Making various shocked, offended, and nauseated faces.) Ewh. Adama: And we must get Apollo back here immediately, before it's too late. Athena: If it's that urgent, why did you let him go in the first place? Adama: Never mind that now, Athena. Tigh, call Reese, tell him to get Apollo back here, to drag him if he has to! Tigh: He'll do that cheerfully, I'm sure.... [The lights suddenly flicker and turn red, and eerie, demonic music swells, replacing the usual heroic soundtrack.] Tigh: Oh-oh.... Tiki: Are we under attack? Is it a red alert because of the Cylons? Adama: It's not the Cylons - it's an enemy far, far worse, far, far less predictable, far, far more evil and vile, with far, far more reaching powers, who's far, far more intent on our utter and absolute and total destruction. Tiki: I don't suppose it's an enemy that's far, far away? Adama: No. Tiki: Darn. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Iblis say, "Ah-hah! I have you now!" X-UIDL: U1>!!eZ_"!Q"D"!RF+!! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 253 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, with eerie red lights and dramatic music. The door to the corridor swishes open. A swirl of low fog creeps in, extending its tendrils about the feet of every crewman there. Lightning flashes in the corridor, following by echoing rolls of thunder. As the crew gradually begins to see and hear again, a figure steps into view in the door, and is revealed as ... Damian, looking just as handsome as he did when he left the Jolly and Cassie ship, wearing a rippling black cloak that sorta seems like it might be alive - or else, like there's a very strange and localized wind blowing through the corridors of the Galactica; with him are Jolly and Cassie, appropriately mesmerized, glowing somewhat green, looking like something out of Black Lagoon and Bride of Frankenstein movies - and wearing bustiers, garter belts, fishnet stockings, the works. Yes, folks, the Rocky Horror Picture Show had nothing on these guys.... Damian: I am Damian! I am the son of Iblis! I am the dread, dire omen of the utter end of all things! Pascal: I thought the Cylons were the end of all things! Majer: I thought we left Judge Dredd back in the Colonies. Damian: Be silent, mortals! (A flash of lightning from his fingers, and both Colonels become Kentucky Fried.) [Damian enters the bridge, followed by Jolly, Cassie, a dozen spectral dire daggits, and half a dozen pilots and techs, picked up on the way from the bay, all appropriately attired for the occasion. (Heh-heh, use your imagination.) All are high-stepping it.] Tiki: (Faintly.) Jolly does not have the legs for fishnet hose.... Nameless Female Crewman: But Giles looks kinda cool in that bustier.... Tigh: What are they doing? High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: The Quorum was daft, The day our worlds got the shaft, And that's how we got blown away.... Athena: It looks like ... dancing.... High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: But Adama was there, And Apollo, so square, To hurry back and save the day.... Zeb: And it sounds like singing - I guess.... High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: Then something went wrong, When we got to Carillon, And from there we flew on into the Void.... [As Adama and crew stare in amazement, shock, and varying degrees of disgust or interest, a column of mist, smoke, or something white and cloudy appears, forming ... Awh, you guessed it, Iblis.] Iblis: (Grandly.) I have arrived! High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: There Serina got killed, And later Arcta was chilled - And Terra made the fans get annoyed.... Zac: I'm not wearing a garter belt! Run for it! We've got to get out of here! Zeb: But the door is blocked by spectral dire daggits and mesmerized warriors in fishnets and bustiers! Bad karma, very bad karma.... High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: Science fiction ... BG feature, Dr. Wilker ... built a creature, See androids serving ... Mike and Sarah, Fred Astaire stars as ... Starbuck's papa, Wo oh oh oh oh oh.... Iblis: Mortal fools, there's no escape for you now! Zac: There's still the hole in the deck! Zeb: We're outta here.... [The twins dive for the hole, knock noggins, and tumble down into the darkness.] Adama: Come back here! I need you beside me to defeat Iblis! Athena: (Staring into the hole.) Forget it, Father - they knocked themselves out with that dive, and they're unconscious. Tigh: Frak. Not even a French judge would give them points for that.... High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: We knew our great commander Worked up into a lather When Belloby got took to the cave.... Iblis: Ah-hah! I have you now! You stand alone, Adama! Your sons have all fled, abandoning you and the fleet to your fate! And with my son at my side, you can't resist me, none of you can! Damian! Now! [Damian locks stares with Athena - who stares back. After a breathless couple of microns of locked stares, the two step closer together - and then lock lips.] High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: And our eyes got all bleary When we saw young sweet Miri Kissing Starbuck the warrior knave.... Adama: No! Iblis: I may have lost Sheba, but my son won't lose Athena! Bwahaha.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Athena! You traitor!" X-UIDL: !$i"!=2d"!-;["!LF:"! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 254 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Damian and Athena are in a liplock to end all liplocks, and it shows no signs of quitting. And the Rocky Horrors are still at it.... High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: Lloyd Bridges made Cain The commander of fame Whose exploits no one else could come near.... Iblis: You see, Adama - your sons have abandoned you, your warriors sing my song, and your daughter is in the thrall of my son. I've finally won! Adama: Athena! You traitor! High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: In the War of the Gods, "I want your souls and your bods," Said Count Iblis with a terrible leer.... Tigh: (Staring between Iblis and the dancing, singing entranced warriors.) It's enough to make a person wonder what's under that cloak of his.... A very l-o-n-g moment later, the liplockers break for air. Damian: (With a heavy sigh.) Father, I can't be part of your plot to take over the universe. Adama: Athena! You angel! Iblis: (Sputtering.) What???? High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: In a ... science fiction ... BG feature, Dr. Wilker ... built a creature, See androids serving ... Mike and Sarah, Fred Astaire stars as ... Starbuck's papa, Wo oh oh whoah.... [Suddenly confused, they all stop singing and dancing.] Damian: I'm in love with a mortal. I love Athena. Adama: But ... but..... Iblis: But ... but.... Damian: Father! Commander! Please, she's got other fine attributes than merely physical! Iblis: When did you have time to notice? Adama: But what about Bojay? Athena: Bo-who? Tigh: You don't need to cry about it, he's not that bad. Iblis: Oh yes, he is! He's my son, he's bad to the bone! Adama: Bojay's your son too? Iblis: No, not Bojay, just Damian. And right now I'm not very happy with him! Damian: But father, don't you want me to be happy? Athena: (With stars in her eyes - well, gleams anyway, not real stars; all things considered, we wouldn't want anybody to get the wrong idea.) Father, I've finally met somebody who really loves me for who I am! Adama: Based on one kiss?!?! Iblis: But how can I take over the universe without my son beside me? Adama: I know I wouldn't try to take over the universe without my sons - I wouldn't even want to be commander without them. Hey, does this mean I've won? Iblis: (Glaring.) For now, Adama, for now! But I'll still destroy you! Damian: You wouldn't do that to the father of my beloved bride, would you, Father? Adama: I know it's not unusual for in-laws to hate each other, but this is ridiculous! Iblis: (Ominously.) This isn't over yet.... (In a swirl of cape and fog, he vanishes.) Damian: Let's go, hon. (In another swirl, Damian and Athena vanish, clinging to each other.) [The dire daggits glance around, growling, then jump into the hole in the deck and vanish into the conduits. Jolly, Cassie, and the other fishnet-clad warriors blink and gaze around in confusion.] Cassie: Where ... where am I? Jolly: What ... happened? Oh, no, how did I get here dressed like this...? [Adama wordlessly hands him his cloak.] Jolly: Thank you, sir.... Other crewmen: Thank you, sir.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Reese say, "I may be late, but at least I got to punch out Apollo." X-UIDL: /-&!!>[`"!iNL!!!Qa!! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 255 Scene: The somewhat depopulated bridge of the Galactica. Journalator Koppel rushes onto the bridge, videolator trailing behind, camera at the ready. Kent: Did I miss it? Did I miss it? Adama: If you mean, did you miss the defeat of Count Iblis through the power of love, you missed it. I wish I'd missed it.... Kent: You mean.... Tigh: Leave the Commander alone, Kent. His daughter Athena just vanished with Iblis's son Damian. Kent: Really? Wow, a scoop! So, Commander Adama, how do you feel about your daughter eloping with the son of the Prince of Darkness? Adama: It could be worse. At least it's not Cordelia's brother. Nameless Female Crewman: *Sigh.* First she gets Starbuck, then she gets to be a princess.... Tiki: *Sob.* I loved her and she never knew.... Tigh: I think she knew, she just didn't care. Kent: So tell me, Officer Tiki, what are you thinking and feeling at this moment, having seen what you've seen and knowing what you know? [Tiki sniffles once, glares at Kent, then hauls off and lays him flat with a right hook.] Tigh: Officer Tiki, don't hit the journalator. Tiki: I already did. Tigh: Well, don't do it again. At least not where I can see you. I suppose we'll need to call a med tech to take care of him and the two sons in the hole in the deck.... (Staring at the charred ashes of the Kentucky-fried fellow colonels.) And somebody call a maintenance tech to take care of them too.... Nameless Female Crewman: Will I get a name if I do that? Tigh: Sure. Nameless Female Crewman: All right! (Turns eagerly to console.) Med tech to the bridge! Maintenance techs to the bridge! ASAP! Emergency! Haul butt, techs! (Turns back to Tigh, still eager.) I did it, sir, I called them! So what's my name? Huh? Huh? What's my name? Tigh: (Studies her.) Hmmm. How about Elm? Elm: Elm? Ewh! I don't like that name! Tiki: Don't worry, Elm. You can come back next episode with a different name and designation. Elm: (Cheering up.) That's true.... [The door swishes open, to reveal security officer Reese, dragging a decidedly unconscious Apollo behind him.] Reese: (Looking very pleased with himself.) Here we are! I got him here, sir! I got Apollo to the bridge, using any means necessary, just like you ordered. Adama: You're too late, Reese. Iblis has already been here and gone, and so has his son Damian - and my daughter Athena. Reese: (Still looking pretty satisfied.) Oh. Well, I may be late, but at least I got to punch out Apollo. Tigh: He wouldn't come back with you when you told him Commander Adama wanted him on the bridge at once? Reese: (Shuffling a little.) Well, I didn't exactly tell him that.... Tigh: You told him his father needed him? Reese: (Shuffling some more.) Not exactly.... Tigh: You reminded him that the safety of the fleet might rest in his hands? Reese: (Glancing at the door.) Uh, no.... Tigh: What did you tell him? Reese: Umm.... I didn't want to give him a chance to get away, so I hit him first. Tigh: Hmm, probably a smart move. Adama: You hit my son without giving him a chance to obey me? (Hauls off and hits Reese, who goes down without another sound, to the cheers of the remaining bridge crew, who never really liked him anyway....) Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boxey say, "I miss the crawl-ons." X-UIDL: ?c)"!jN!!hZm"! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 256 Scene: The Jolly and Cassie ship, where Jolly and Cassie have just returned from the Galactica, landing their shuttle in the landing bay. Jolly: (Still wearing the commander's cloak around his shoulders, concealing all but the fishnet stockings.) We're home. I will be so glad to change into my uniform.... Cassie: (Looking spectacular in bustier, stockings, garter belt, and not much else.) I kinda like my outfit. Jolly: It does kinda remind me of the stuff you used to wear as a socialator.... Cassie: Think I should keep it, sweetie? Jolly: (Giving her a lecherous grin and twirling his mustache.) Only if you want to ... and only if you wear it just for me.... Cassie: (With a coy grin.) And who else would I wear it for? [From the nearest corridor bursts forth a crowd, a mob, a veritable horde of children, barely shepherded by a very frazzled looking Chameleon. The children swarm around Jolly and Cassie.] Children: Papa Jo! Mama Cass! Chameleon: Jolly! Cassie! Thank the Lords you're back.... I mean, welcome back! The children are so glad to see you again.... Dennis: What did you bring us? Luna: Did you bring us some new turbotoys? Calvin: Did you bring us mushies? Children: Mushies, mushies, where are the mushies? Jolly: On the shuttle - now remember to share! [The children swarm aboard the shuttle like a maddened horde of starving locusts. A micron later, they hear one short scream from the pilot.] Jolly: Oh-oh, I bet that's the last time we convince Aurora to fly us along when she's delivering parts.... Cassie: (Looking around.) Hmm, things have changed a little since we were last here. Chameleon: Yes, and very suddenly too - the walls stopped running red and green, the deck stopped heaving - and so did I - we stopped hearing strange sounds in the depths, and the furniture stopped talking. Cassie: That's a relief. I hated it when the mirror would whistle at me in the morning. Jolly: So things are pretty much back to normal? Chameleon: (Glancing down at the fishnet stockings.) Well, on the ship, anyway. Jolly: (Muttering.) I'm going to go change.... (Heads out of the bay.) Cassie: I'll join you in a centon. So, did the children behave for their Grampa Cham while we were gone? Chameleon: Well ... actually ... um ... not really, but well enough. Since the rest of the ship started behaving, things have been looking up all the way around. Did you figure out what was causing it, anyway? Cassie: Yes. The ship was possessed by Damian, the demonseed spawn of Iblis, who was working with the Prince of Darkness to take over the ship as part of a greater plan to take over the fleet, the galaxy, and the universe. And we were possessed too, which is why I looked like the Bride of Frankenstein and Jolly was turning into Aquaman. But now that Damian's decided to elope with Athena, he's no longer working with Iblis, and things can get back to normal here. [A cluster of children emerge from the shuttle, cheerfully snacking on the mushies that Jolly and Cassie brought back for them.] Cassie: Hello, children! Well, are you all happy to have things back to normal here? Boxey: I sorta miss the crawl-ons. Especially the big green ones with the yellow spots and the red eyes. They reminded me of moving solstice bushes. And they made great pets. Dennis: Especially when they let us throw tinsel on them! Calvin: That wasn't tinsel, that was leftover pieces of string and wire and parts from the daggit innards! Luna: Ewh! Boxey: Shh! We don't talk about the daggits.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say "Why couldn't you leave your daggits at home?" X-UIDL: `Be"!BTK!!Zp6"!6=C"! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 257 Scene: In the main control room aboard the TARDIS, where Boomer, Barbarella, and a dozen daggit droids are hanging around. The Doctor has most of his body tucked inside a console, just his feet sticking out, with parts scattered around him. TARDIS parts, not person parts. Just to be clear. Barbarella: Fetch, Buffey - short for Buffit, of course! (She tosses a component, and one of the daggit droids takes off after it, yipping annoyingly, and brings it back to her.) Good daggit.... Boomer: Are you sure you should be playing fetch with TARDIS components? What if the Doctor needs that piece, and your daggit's covered it with daggit droid oil-spit, and the ship short- circuits, leaving us stranded somewhere in time and space with no way to get back to the Galactica? Barbarella: Won't happen. The Doctor said he was replacing these parts. Boomer: But that looks like a new part. Barbarella: Oops. (She quickly wipes off the daggit oil and replaces the part, taking one of the old ones.) Fetch, Fluffit. Boomer: Why couldn't you leave your daggits at home, anyway? Barbarella: But nobody knew about them. Who would have taken care of them? Boomer: They're droids! They don't need to be taken care of! They're like Muffey was, they can wander around for days and not need to be fed or watered or walked! Barbarella: But somebody might have found them, and they would have been destroyed. You know Adama's new standing order about daggits! I just couldn't stand that happening to my sweet little droid daggit pups. Could we, Snuffit? And Luffit? And Duffit? And- Boomer: We don't need the full list. Anyway, they're nothing but trouble. We've had them lost in the TARDIS twice already, and they refused to come with us when we met the Daleks. Barbarella: But they saved us from the Cybermen when we were cornered - short-circuited them completely by chewing through their kneecaps! Boomer: The only reason they went after the Cybermen was because the Cybermen refused to pet them! Barbarella: (Pointedly.) They figure out pretty quickly who likes them and who doesn't! Doctor: (Sliding out from the TARDIS console.) There, that should do it! Boomer: But you've got parts left over. Doctor: (Shrugging.) Oh, that's all right. The old girl often has parts left over. Every time I fix her. Strangest thing. [Boomer and Barbarella exchange glances.] Boomer: Then why did you put the parts in, in the first place, if they're left over? Doctor: Well, this one was in for repairs when I got it.... And besides, you've never heard of redundancy factors? Boomer: What if one day you need that redundancy factor and it's not there because some daggit somewhere is playing fetch with it? Doctor: It's happened before. Barbarella: Fetch, Stuffit! [Tosses the part, which goes through the open door into another part of the TARDIS. The daggit goes after it, yipping mechanically all the way. A micron later, the sound pitch changes, there's a scrabbling of daggit feet, and the sound of something falling a long, long way....] Barbarella: Stuffit! (She rushes after the daggit, her other daggits in hot pursuit.) Doctor: Oops. Boomer: Oops? Doctor: The stairs. Seems the TARDIS every now and then decides to rearrange herself. Sometimes she puts a staircase right through that door.... (Shrugs apologetically, but with a sly smile.) And I don't think she likes daggits.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "At least we're in the right part of the galaxy." X-UIDL: i]O!!ZQ$"!%jM!!hI$"! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 258 Scene: A chilly, wind-swept, snowy plateau, surrounded by a sweeping vista of majestic mountains and deep caverns that fall away into unseen nothingness below. A blue box mysteriously appears, dwarfed by the surrounding landscape. The door opens, and.... Barbarella: (Stepping out, followed by Boomer.) ...At least I was able to repair my little daggit - Lords of Kobol, what is this?!? [Boomer and Barbella stare around them at the vast whiteness.] Boomer: At least we're in the right part of the galaxy. Barbarella: How can you tell? Boomer: See that mountain peak over there, with the sheer cliff face except for that gash that looks like Commander Cain's eyebrows when he's frowning? And the rocks over there that look like three little Cylons marching under a bridge that's starting to fall on top of them? And those other rocks that look like Captain Columbo's trenchcoat and a couple of fumarellos? Barbarella: I see them. Boomer: There's only one place I know of with formations like that - Arcta. Barbarella: Where the fleet was nearly blown up by the Ravashol pulsar? And where you and Apollo and Starbuck and a group of convicts and a couple of other warriors had to infiltrate the installation, take out the Cylons, save the Theta clones, and rescue a missing cadet? Boomer: That's the one - say, how do you know so much about that mission? The details were classified! Barbarella: (Shrugging - or is it shivering? It's pretty cold out, after all....) I read the tech specs on the pulsar. Boomer: How did you get access to those? Barbarella: From Omega, of course. How does a person get access to anything on the Galactica? Boomer: Omega, huh.... Barbarella: You know something? It's cold here! Boomer: Yeah, Arcta was cold when we were there. I'm not surprised it hasn't changed. Doctor: (Steps out and hands them each some nice warm fuzzy jackets.) Here. [The humans quickly don the jackets. At the door, a couple of daggit droids appear, take a tentative step or two out into the snow, then retreat, yipping, to the warmth and safety of the TARDIS.] Doctor: Looks like they're not going with us again. Barbarella: And Boomer says my daggits aren't intelligent.... Boomer: Hold it, where do you think you're going? Doctor: Out to see what we can see! Boomer: Oh, we can pretty much see what there is to see on Arcta from here - snow, ice, and other cold white stuff. Barbarella: How about Dr. Ravashol? I'd love an opportunity to talk with him about some of his theories - his one about the feasibility of self-contained, backpack-sized mass spectrometers with internal power sources in particular. Boomer: But Ravashol's not here anymore. He and his Thetas decided they'd had enough ice, and headed for a warmer location - and I suggest we do the same. Doctor: Well, there's no harm in taking a look around then, is there? Barbarella: I suppose.... Boomer: Hold it! I know you, Doctor - and you should know him by now too, Barbarella. We leave the TARDIS, and the next thing you know, we get caught up in some adventure or other, whether we want to or not. Now, normally, I am not opposed to an adventure - but we're supposed to be fixing time, not messing with it further! Doctor: We're not messing with anything! And you didn't seem to mind having adventures the last two times you traveled with me. Barbarella: Two times? Boomer: Things didn't quite have the same urgency then as they do now. Doctor: How do you know? Boomer: Just a gut feeling. We've got to fix things before time becomes irrevocably mired in its wrong path. And I've got a bad feeling about any more delays.... Doctor: Oh, posh... Voice from behind them: Oh, really? [They whirl as one.] Doctor: *Gasp!* It's the Master! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sire Uri say, "There's a riot on the Rising Star!" X-UIDL: ~U/!!BWn!!/N3"!WXR!! "This is journ'lator Kent, spittin' out a lost toof - frakkin' Tiki - to brin' you t'is t'irty-sevent' secton an'vers'ry episode of.... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 259 Scene: The Rising Star. A mingling crowd at the Ultra Salon, from which can be heard muttering, growling, and various other threatening sounds. At the edge of the crowd are two people we recognize as escapees from the prison barge.... Zara: That crowd doesn't sound happy. I wonder what's going on. Paye: We're just here for caff, what do we care? Zara: Maybe the barrista is in the crowd. Besides, my finely-tuned journalator instincts are kicking in. This could be a story. We should ask- [Maitre d' Horatio, journalator Koppel, and videolator Paparazzi enter the Salon, looking around as if searching for somebody in the midst of the crowd. Horatio gestures their general direction.] Paye: Oh, no, a journalator! If he recognizes us, we'll be caught! We'll have to go back to the prison barge! Zara: And since I was a Colonies-renowned journalator who worked with every great and well-known public figure in the Colonies, I'm bound to be recognized! Uri: (Brushing past as he hurries toward Horatio and the IFB people.) Out of my way, bimbo. Can't you tell when someone important is passing through on his way to an interview? Zara: (Sniffling, tears welling up in her eyes.) He ... didn't recognize me.... Paye: Zara, that's a good thing! Zara: No, it's not! It's just like back when Serina was around - everybody knew and loved her, nobody paid any attention to me, it didn't matter what I did.... Paye: (Aside.) Oh, no, that Serina thing again.... I've got it! (To Zara.) Uh, c'mon, Zara, let's get out of here before Uri puts his glasses on! Zara: (Perking up.) He's got glasses? Paye: Yes, but ... he's too vain to wear them in public! Zara: How do you know that? Paye: Uh ... I'm a doctor, remember? He was over at life center all the time because he couldn't see! Why do you think he makes the girls sit so close to him? Zara: Quick, let's get out of here before he puts his glasses on and sees me! Paye: (Aside.) Whew, she believed it! (To Zara.) This way, we'll duck into Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe! Zara: Goodie! We can do some shopping while we're here! [They vanish into the Shippe while Horatio spots Uri.] Horatio: Here he is, Sire Koppel. (Fades away into the background.) Koppel: Sire Uri! We picked up your transmission about trouble on the ship. Care to update us on what's going on, and why? Uri: Yes, there's a dire situation building on this ship, and somebody needs to report it to the rest of the fleet. Koppel: That's why I'm here. What's the situation? And why are you reporting it to the media instead of to Commander Adama or the Quorum of Twelve? Uri: I can't get through to the Galactica, and the Quorum of Twelve refuses to recognize how serious this is! Koppel: How serious what is? Uri: There's a riot on the Rising Star! Koppel: A riot! Where? Uri: (Pointing to the mob.) There! Koppel: (Studying the muttering crowd.) They don't look like they like they're rioting. Uri: Well, that all depends on how you define it. Riots for the rich are different from regular riots. Besides, they're just part of the riot - the worst of it is scattered through the Rising Star, spreading through every deck of this luxury liner ship! Koppel: Indeed! That's pretty serious. And what is the mob rioting about? Uri: I don't know, they won't tell me! [Koppel and Paparazzi look at each other.] Koppel: Have you asked them? Uri: And mingle with the common rabble? (Shudders.) No! That's why I called you here! The warriors are ignoring me, and Council security claims they're too busy guarding the Council, but I knew you couldn't resist the lure of a good story. You deal with it! [And Uri abandons scene like the sniveling hedonistic pleasure-seeking coward he is....] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a rioter say, "You can use your Visalator card - but they don't take Colonial Express." X-UIDL: GNR"!QN7!!Q-N!!~$R!! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 260 Scene: The Ultra Salon of the Rising Star, where journalator Koppel and videolator Paparazzi have just been left by Sire Uri to face the muttering crowd - and they're just curious enough about the reason for the riot, that they'll stick around to find out - the fools. Koppel: Okay, Sire Uri didn't bother to find out what's provoking this riot, so I'll ask them. Paparazzi: Are you sure that's a good idea? Muttering crowds tend to be notoriously fickle and unpredictable - remember what happened when Apollo first landed on Caprica after the Destruction. Koppel: Hey, we're not warriors, we're from IFB! Maybe they'll tell the press about their woes when they've lost all hope in their leaders. Paparazzi: Maybe we should have some ship security standing by, just in case? Koppel: Nawh! Who'd hurt us? You! (Grabs the shoulder of a scowling woman to get her attention. Several of her friends also cluster around.) Why are you rioting? Has there been a degeneration in the quality of life here on the Rising Star? Scowling Woman: No, things have always been pretty nice here. Koppel: Is there a shortage of food and beverages? Another Woman: There's no shortage of anything on this ship, as long as you've got the cubits - or you can use your Visalator card - but they don't take Colonial Express. Koppel: Has some new and ridiculous rule or regulation been passed by the Council that has everyday citizens of the fleet up in arms in defense of their rights? Third Woman: (Waves airily.) Don't be silly. The rules don't apply to us on the Rising Star. Koppel: Have the shops run out of original gowns, now that Ganymede the couturier is gone? Fashionably Dressed Woman: (Laughing with condescending disbelief.) Surely you jest. With Siress Amanda still in business, we've got plenty of new and wonderful and original clothes. Koppel: Name's Koppel, not Shirley. Then what is it? Scowling Woman: Haven't you heard? Starbuck's been gone since episode 245, and they still haven't sent anybody out to find him! Wouldn't that be enough to make anybody riot? Another Woman: And we've been waiting to see Starbuck take his shirt off again - I ask you, how long are we supposed to be patient? Koppel: Indeed! (Turns to videolator Paparazzi.) Got that? Good. And that's the news from the Rising Star - Starbuck is missing, he hasn't been seen for fifteen episodes now, nobody is out looking for him, and as far as anybody knows, he hasn't even taken his shirt off! People of the fleet, it's time to make your feelings known! Crowd: We want Starbuck, we want Starbuck! No Longer Scowling Woman: Fifty cubits for Starbuck's shirt! Another Woman: Seventy-five cubits for the chance to take his shirt off myself! First Man: That's ridiculous, why would you pay to take his shirt off yourself? Why would you wear his shirt in the first place? Koppel: Uh, yeah.... Well, you've heard them, folks.... Second Man: Hey, a journalist! Mosh pit time! [The crowd grabs the two newsmen and hoists them up, passing them along overhead.] Koppel: Hey, wait! Someone call security! Paparazzi: Help! Horatio-! Horatio: Don't look at me. I'm just the maitre d'. I can't really do anything. Staff on the Rising Star have to be very careful. Third Woman: Hey, do you have the authority to give me a name? Horatio: Don't I recognize you from the bridge? Third Woman: Uh, no, of course not. What would I be doing here if I was a bridge character? I'm just a nameless female Rising Star passenger who wants a real name. Horatio: Oh, well, certainly, I can do that. Just another service, after all. How about ... Linden? Linden: Linden! That's as bad as Elm! Crowd: We want Starbuck, we want Starbuck! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Bring him back alive." X-UIDL: *iE"!D6+"!jU/"!P:B!! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 261 Scene: the bridge of the Galactica, all cleaned up from the battle with Iblis. Adama, Tigh, and Apollo (sporting a great shiner) observe the IFB news report on the riot on the Rising Star, and the demand for the return of Starbuck. Adama: (Turning on Tigh.) Why wasn't I informed of Starbuck's absence? Why did I have to hear about something this monumental on IFB and not from my own officers? Tigh: (Glancing at Omega's empty station, then at Rigel's empty station, then at Athena's empty station.) It would appear somebody didn't do their job. What happened to our bridge crew? Tiki: We know what happened to Athena - she went away with Damian. *Heavy sigh.* And Omega vanished down the hole in the deck, before Iblis even got here. Haven't seen Rigel in episodes ... not since the one where Starbuck disappeared. Tigh: I wonder if there's a connection.... Adama: Couldn't be. Rigel and Starbuck? Nah. She and the Dread Captain Robert couldn't be pried apart with a crowbar. But what about Boomer? He should have told us that Starbuck was missing - they're best friends, after all. Apollo: Hey, I resent that! I'm Starbuck's best friend! And Boomer's too! [Adama and Tigh exchange skeptical glances.] Adama: So where is Boomer? Apollo: Beats me. I haven't seen him in even more episodes than I haven't seen Starbuck. Adama: We've got to find the missing crew - especially Omega and Rigel. This ship can't function without them. We'd all just stand around looking important but getting nothing done. And even more importantly, we've got to find Starbuck - the civilians in the fleet are getting restless! The fleet might not be able to hold together without him. Apollo, you're the captain. It's your job. Go find Starbuck. Apollo: I'm not going after Starbuck. Adama: My son, I'm ordering you to go find your best friend, save him, and bring him back alive. With or without his shirt. Apollo: Can I kill him when I do? Tigh: He wouldn't be alive if you kill him. I don't think the crowd would approve of that. Adama: Tigh's right, Apollo. You cannot kill Starbuck. That would defeat the whole purpose of finding him. Apollo: Then I don't want to find him. I want to find Cordelia and find out why she won't marry me, and what Starbuck had to do with it. Adama: Well, maybe Starbuck will already be dead when you find him. Then you can have a nice scene of grief-stricken angst and go on a vengeance trail against the dastardly beings responsible for his untimely demise. And then when you come back, you and Cordelia can console each other and maybe even get back together. Apollo: Hey, that's an idea! On my way, Father! (Abandons bridge.) Adama: (Yelling after him.) Oh, and if you find Boomer, that would be a good thing too! I know nobody's rioting for him, but sooner or later somebody's bound to notice he's gone. Tigh: Sir! You'll really let him and Cordelia get back together? Adama: Are you kidding? I'll do anything to prevent that. Tiki, get some extras to fill these empty stations - and get me ... Council Agent 002. Tigh: 002! Sir, surely you can't be serious! Adama: Get me 002. And don't call me Shirley. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "That does it, I'm taking over." X-UIDL: DTf!!K3-"!_5e!!,BV!! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 262 Scene: An ice cave on Arcta, where Boomer, Barbarella, and the Doctor are prisoners of ... the Master. Barbarella: (Hugging her arms around herself in her thick parka.) Cold cells. I hate cold cells. Boomer, why aren't you shivering in this frosty air and icy surroundings and chilly benches? Boomer: (Shrugging.) Spent a yahren on Ice Station Thule. Cold doesn't bother me. Barbarella: Well, you still don't have to hang around in your skivvies! Boomer: Oh, all right, I'll put my uniform back on ... but I thought we were due for somebody to take off their shirt. (Dresses.) Doctor: This is terrible. We've got to do something. But first, we've got to figure out what the Master is doing on Arcta, and why he's holding us prisoner, and what he intends to do with us. Boomer: As I recall, Doctor, the Master hates you and would like to see you dead. Doctor: So? Barbarella: That would explain why he's holding us prisoner - and probably gives us a good idea what he intends to do with us - and it doesn't sound good for us! Doctor: Hmm, that's logical. Well, I'm sure I'll figure something out - otherwise, I'll just have to regenerate.... Barbarella: That's fine for you, but what about us? Doctor: You'll have to trust me. Boomer: I've heard Starbuck say that about his pyramid systems. Doctor: And it works, right? Barbarella: Oh-oh, I've heard about Starbuck's pyramid systems.... Boomer: That does it, I'm taking over. And I've got an idea. Barbarella, would your daggits come if you whistled for them? Barbarella: Of course they would - if they could hear us. But it's a long way to the TARDIS. And even if they heard us whistle, the Master would probably hear us too, and do something to stop them before they could reach us. Boomer: Not necessarily. I've got an idea. Give me some of the bugle beads and a couple of sequins from your dress, Barbarella, and I'll use one of the buckles from my boots, and Doctor, I'll need your sonic screwdriver. Doctor: (Handing over the sonic screwdriver.) What are you going to do with all that? Barbarella: (Looking enlightened as she hands over the beads and sequins.) Ah-hah! You're going to build a subspace turbo-techno- whistlator! Boomer: You read the specs on that too? Barbarella: Of course. Doctor: I don't believe I've heard of that. What is it? Boomer: (Tinkering quickly.) It's based on another one of Ravashol's theories. It sends a high-pitched whistle over subspace carrier waves to given destinations, simultaneously. In this case, the bugle beads catch the breeze and focus the resulting sound, reflecting it across a series of sequins, which act like mini satellite dishes, set at the appropriate harmonic intervals on my buckle. If I set these right, the daggit droids aboard the TARDIS will hear the whistle, and will come rushing to our rescue. Doctor: But they don't like the cold - that's why they wouldn't come with us in the first place! Barbarella: They always come when I whistle. Boomer, I think that third sequin needs to be moved a few nanometers and the angle shifted zero-point-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero- two of a degree to the right. Boomer: I think you're right. (Tinkering some more.) There. All right, Barbarella - blow! Master: (Entering the cave.) Ah-hah! I've got you now! I know you're up to something! What are you doing? Doctor: Oops.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Barbarella say, "Universal domination indeed!" X-UIDL: