"Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 201 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, night shift. Col. Pascal paces, looking extremely impatient, finally pausing at Rigel's station. Pascal: Corporal Rigel! I want that report, and I want it now! Rigel: (Shrugging helplessly, looking harried.) Colonel, I can't give you the report until we receive the information from telemetry. Pascal: Why hasn't telemetry provided the information?! Rigel: I'll try to find out, sir. Pascal: You do that, Corporal! (Stomps away.) Tiki: (Aside to Rigel.) I don't suppose it has anything to with your having rerouted the telemetry from your station to mine? Rigel: (Grinning smugly.) That could explain why I'm not receiving it. How's the report? Tiki: Already done. We can produce it any time it becomes necessary or expedient. Rigel: (Glancing at Pascal.) Let him stew a little longer. Maybe he'll throw a temper tantrum and the Commander will see it and throw him off the bridge. Tiki: Maybe Cain will see it and throw us all off the bridge. Rigel: No problem - I'll just transfer to the Bakeryship with my dear Dread Captain Robert. Omega: Psst, Rigel. Rigel: What is it? Omega: We just got word from life center - Colonel Tigh's had a complete recovery, thanks to Dr. Zac, and has been released. He's on his way here. Rigel: Oh, no. When he sees who's in charge, he'll have a relapse! Tiki: That, or he'll go thermonuclear at seeing one of Cain's people taking his place, and his explosion could take out this whole bridge. Rigel: We can't let that happen. Omega: We won't, any more than we've let Pascal really run anything here. Tiki: That pompous equine's astrum thinks he's really in charge.... Omega: I'll warn Colonel Tigh - Rigel, you keep Colonel Pascal busy. Rigel: How? Omega: I'm sure you can figure out something. Rigel: Right. (Thinking quickly and hitting controls.) Uh, oh, Colonel? Colonel Pascal? Pascal: (Self-importantly.) Is there any other colonel on this bridge?! Rigel: No, sir, of course not. I just ... I just like the sound of your name, sir. Pascal: (Almost visibly puffing up.) Why, thank you, Corporal! What was it you needed?! Rigel: Uh, the telemetry report is in, sir, and I wanted you to be the first to know.... (Gestures to her panel.) I know how important this is, and how essential it is that you have this potentially significant information as soon as possible, before anyone else. Pascal: Hmmm! Tiki: (Under his breath.) He can't even mutter without shouting! Behind them, Omega intercepts Tigh at the starscreen. Omega: Psst, Colonel! Over here! Tigh: (Stopping.) What is it, flight officer? Why aren't you at your post? And who is this ... person stomping around here like he owns the place? Omega: I've got bad news, sir. While you were ... incapacitated, we were stuck with ... another executive officer. Tigh: But.... But.... He's wearing a Pegasus insignia! Omega: I know. Cain inflicted him on us. Tigh: That has to end right now. Omega: It can't - Commander Adama was on the Rising Star for a triad game when Cain sent this guy. And the Commander is the only one who can supercede Cain's order. Tigh: So Cain's on the Galactica? Omega: Yes, sir. Tigh: So who's on the Pegasus? Omega: (Beginning to grin.) I don't know, Colonel. Tigh: (Also beginning to grin.) Thank you, Omega. If you'll excuse me, I'll see you later.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Athena say, "Why don't you go home to daddy?" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 202 Scene: A very hectic life center aboard the Galactica, where some people are actually medical staff and some are actually in need of medical treatment. Dr. Salik and his people are busy treating the three security officers, Apollo, and Cordelia. Athena is having her nails fixed by a manicuralator. Dr. Quincy is examining Bojay. Starbuck is trying to flirt with Dr. Amazona of the Miri Feathers as she begins physicals for Jolly and Cassie's children. Sheba: (Rushing into life center.) Bojay! Oh, Bojay, are you here? Is it true that you had to be brought in on a turbo- stretcher, at death's door, clinging to life by the barest of threads, one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, and I wasn't there to help you? Athena: That's right, you weren't there. Salik: Oh-oh, somebody call security. One of the bandaged security officers ducks behind the turbo- life pod he was sitting on. Sheba: (Sweetly.) Having your nails done yet again, Athena? Athena: Only the three I left embedded in your face, Sheba. Sheba: Sounds like your eyesight is as poor as your aim - that wasn't my face you left them in. Athena: My eyes were on Bojay - and his were on me, weren't they, Bojay darling? Bojay: My head's spinning.... Sheba: Having to look at you, I'm not surprised - my poor Bojay. Funny, isn't it, that he was just fine until we came back aboard and he saw you? Salik: Didn't I ask somebody to call security? The second bandaged security officer drops to the floor and rolls under his turbo-life pod. Athena: Why don't you go home to daddy? Sheba: Why don't you! Athena: Because I am home with daddy. Sheba: If I could, I would! Athena: I've got news, Sheba - your daddy is back! The Pegasus is here! And Cain hasn't come looking for you at all! Cassie: Cain's back? Oh, dear, that could be a complication.... Sheba: That's a lie! Cassie: How would you know? Sheba: If the great Commander Cain were here in the fleet, he'd have been waiting for me in the bay! He'd be here beside me, making sure I was all right and telling me that my billet on the Pegasus was always available and that he had a spare helmet for me and that my Viper launch tube was being prepared for my next patrol! Athena: Oh, have I got news for you.... Salik: Where's that security? The third bandaged security officer hops off his turbo-life pod and begins racing for the door, crouched over, weaving in a serpentine style. Athena: I hate to be the one to tell you this, Sheba- Sheba: I'll bet. Athena: - but your daddy's been too busy chasing my brother's fiance to even think about you! Sheba: Hah! Athena: Oh, it's true! Why do you think he's on the Galactica right now, prowling the corridors looking for Commander Princess Gabrielle, instead of being on the Pegasus where he should be if he had any self-respect? Sheba: (Mouth quivering.) It's not true! Bojay, tell her it's not true! Tell her that if my father were in the fleet, he'd be here waiting for me! Or else he'd be on the bridge of the Pegasus, valiantly defending the fleet against the evil Cylon Empire! Bojay: Uh, if I know Cain, that's what he'd be doing. Cassie: Wait a centon. He's looking for my sister Gabrielle? Sheba: What about Cassiopeia? Athena: He saw Gabrielle, and that was that. Cassie's old news. Cassie: And a good thing, too, since I'm now happily married and the mother of eighteen hundred and one children, and the fosterer of another four hundred kids from the Miri Feathers. Jolly: Oh, sweetie, I'm so glad you said that! When I heard Cain was back, I was afraid I'd have to go through what Starbuck did when Cain came back the first time.... Cassie: Oh, darling, you'll never have to worry about that! I'd never leave you for Cain or any man alive. (Romantic smooch.) Salik: Security? Please? Is there any security anywhere? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "What are you doing on the Galactica?" ____________________________________________________________ ____ "This is journalator Nessman, reporting from IFB. With the return of the rescue mission, things seem calm in the fleet, for the moment. Which gives us time for some truly breaking news - the herders on the Agro-Ship report that three litters of porcines have been born in the last few days! A total of nineteen junior porcers have joined the herd, and are keeping the herders awake and hopping with their oinks and squeals. In fact, as soon as I finish this report, I'll be shuttling over to the Agro-Ship to personally interview the herder who midwifed these little miracles. I'll have that exhilarating interview on the late news. And on that cheerful note, here's the twenty-ninth secton anniversary episode of.... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 203 Scene: A corridor of the Galactica. Dr. Zac and Gabrielle are strolling on their way to supper when they spot someone ahead of them, moving furtively. Zac: Who's that? Gabrielle: Why, it's Dr. Barbarella! Dr. Barbarella! What are you doing on the Galactica? I thought you were staying on our ship with Dr. Wilker and the Black Ovines. Barbarella: (Jumping in surprise.) Oh! Hello, Commander Princess Gabrielle. Uh, I was. I mean, I am. I ... had an errand to run here. Yes, that's it. I had something to do. I'll be back on the Miri Feathers Ship before anything can happen ... anything terrible, I mean. I mean, I'll be back before ... uh, shortly. Gabrielle: All right. That's fine. I didn't mean to distract you. Just thought I'd say hello. Barbarella: Hello. I have to go now. (Rushes away.) Zac: She seems nervous tonight. Gabrielle: Yes, she does.... Hmmm.... Siress Amanda rounds the curve of the corridor, wearing a kick- *ss original gown that looks like it's probably being held together by a single, solitary, overworked safety pin and is about to fray at the most interesting places. Zac: Siress Amanda! What are you doing on the Galactica? I thought you were on the Rising Star in your elite Immortal Fashion Shippe! Amanda: (Nearly jumping out of her gown - no, nothing more showed than should have showed, guys.... Geez!) Dr. Zac! Commander Princess Gabrielle! What a surprise! Zac: Why is it a surprise? I work here. I live here. I belong here. Gabrielle: And since we're engaged, it shouldn't be any surprise to see me with him, on this ship, where he lives and works and I visit frequently both to see him and to meet with Commander Adama as needed for the good of the fleet. Amanda: Uh ... never mind. I was just ... uh, visiting a client. Privately. Confidentially. Yes, that's it. Zac: (Grinning.) Is Siress Cordelia having an original Immortal Fashion from you for her sealing gown? We won't tell - I wouldn't spoil something like that for my soon-to-be sister-in-law - that is, if my big brother can convince our father to let him go ahead with the sealing. Which is kinda doubtful, right now, all things considered. Amanda: I can't give you any more details than that. No matter what. I have to go now. (She rushes past them and vanishes around the corridor.) Gabrielle: Wow, she seems jumpy tonight. Zac: Well, if she's seeing a client confidentially.... Gabrielle: Still.... They have barely taken a half-dozen steps more, when they spot Croft, backing out of a door and quickly locking it behind him. Zac: Croft! Aren't you supposed to be on the Jolly and Cassie Ship, seeing to the safety and security and well-being of the children there, and making sure none of them escape ... uh, travel to any of the other ships in the fleet, without adequate warning? Croft: (Jumps.) Yikes! Zac: Uh, sorry, did we ... frighten you? Croft: Nothing frightens me! I just ... didn't expect you.... Zac: (Glancing at door.) What were you doing in the laundry and textile center? Croft: Well, whaddaya think? I was ... checking on the laundry! Making sure the whites are white, the tans are tan, and the blues are blue! I mean ... the kids gotta have clean clothes and new sheets ... I mean, new clothes and clean sheets ... right? Gabrielle: Doesn't the Jolly and Cassie Ship have its own laundry and textile supply facilities? Every other ship in the fleet does. Croft: It does? Well, how about that.... I guess I came all this way for nothing. Excuse me, uh, I gotta go.... Can't get caught here.... I mean, I have places to go, things to do, a ship to hide from - uh, get back to. Bye! (Rushes away.) Zac: There's something strange going on here.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Zac say, "Why is he looking for me?" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 204 Scene Still in the corridor, where Zac and Gabrielle would really like to get to supper sometime this millennium, if they can stop running into people who seem to have something to hide. Sheba (Rushing around curve of corridor.) Father? Father? Are you there? Zac Hi, Sheba! Welcome back from your rescue mission! I hear it was a great success. Sheba (Stopping and staring at them.) It was a great success - it's always a success when I'm involved. But all my success seems ashes now, without my father there to welcome me back and congratulate me. Zac But he is back. Gabrielle Unfortunately. Sheba (Melodramatically.) I know he's back! Don't you see? That's what ruins it all! Gabrielle It's certainly ruining things for me. Sheba (Glaring daggers.) What ruins it, is that he didn't meet me in the landing bay! He must have known I was returning. (Turning tearful.) Why wasn't he there? I'm his daughter, his flight commander, his special little warrior, his pride and joy, his baby. Why wasn't he there to give me a hug and a kiss on the forehead and a hearty "well done and welcome back"? Zac Maybe he was busy on the Pegasus? Sheba He's not, I asked for him. He's on the Galactica. Somewhere. (Again glaring.) Looking for you! Zac Me? Why is he looking for me? Sheba No, her! Zac Whew! That's a relief! Gabrielle Look, Sheba, I don't love your father, I don't want your father, and I wish he'd stop chasing me around when I'm on the Galactica and stop trying to convince me to support his ridiculous plan to take over the Cylon Empire and stop attempting to get aboard the Featherstar to see me and for heaven's sake stop sending those dozens of flower bouquets and those ridiculous singing and dancing telegrams by his cheerleaders! (Smiles reassuringly.) But I'm sure, as soon as he finds out you're back, he'll come looking for you. I know I'll be happier when he starts looking for you and stops looking for me. Sheba How dare you reject my father! Gabrielle I thought you didn't like him looking for me instead of looking for you? Sheba I don't. I didn't like him looking for Cassie either. But at least it was understandable that they had a thing for each other, when they had a thing for each other - what woman in her right mind wouldn't fall for the one and only Commander Cain? Gabrielle Me, for one. Sheba Considering the way you dress, you're not in your right mind. Zac Yes, she is! Sheba She wears leather and feathers, and she's sleeping with you, that proves something right there! Gabrielle Yeah, my good taste! Sheba Ooooh!!!! I hate you! (Runs off.) Gabrielle Well, I can't say that bothers me very much.... Cain (Somewhere in the distance.) Did I hear the sweet dulcet tones of my darling Gabrielle? Oh, Gabrielle, where are you? Gabrielle and Zac stare at each other Gabrielle Quick! Into the closet! They grab the door of the nearest closet and begin pounding on it. Zac Let us in! Voice from inside Let us out! Somebody welded the lock and we've been trapped here for over a hundred episodes! Zac Who would do a stupid thing like that? Voice from inside It was ... Sheba.... Gabrielle Maybe I should worry about her hating me.... Cain (Getting closer.) Gabrielle? I'm coming, my sweet, you'll soon have the pleasure of seeing my face.... Zac and Gabrielle look at each other, then take off racing down the corridor. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll see Atlas shrug. "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 205 Scene The launch bay, where a Miri Feathers shuttle waits. Zac and Gabrielle rush into the bay. As they race for the shuttle, the Pegasus cheerleaders sprint into view from around the shuttle, displaying acrobatics that Cain would find worthy of members of his elite one-of-a-kind (thank the Lords of Kobol) pep squad and honor guard, as they take position between the Miri Feather Princess Commander and her escape craft ... uh, her shuttle. Cheerleaders Gabrielle, Gabrielle! Gabrielle (Coming to a quick halt.) Oh, no! Zac Which way do we go now? Gabrielle That way! Into the conduits! Zac Yikes, I hate small, dark, enclosed spaces.... Gabrielle You didn't say that about my closet the other night. Zac We weren't running for our lives the other night! Besides, I was ... distracted. You're a great distracter! Gabrielle You're a great distracter too! Now come on before Cain gets here! Zac How do you know he's coming here? Gabrielle You think someone in that honor guard of his hasn't called him? (She vanishes into the conduit, followed by Dr. Zac.) Cheerleader #1 (Throwing a female cheerleader into the air and speaking into a communicatron concealed in his megaphone.) Commander, she seems to have escaped into the conduits! Cain (Voice over communicatron.) Ouch! My ears! Not so loud! Cheerleader #2 (Grabbing a beam in passing - the guy's built like Arnold Schwartzenegger, and she's built like Shannon Miller - she went up about three levels when he tossed her!) Yikes! Watch out how you throw me around, Atlas! Atlas, f/k/a Cheerleader #1 (Pulling communicatron out of megaphone.) Ooops, sorry, sir. She's gone into the conduits. Cain (Over communicatron.) Where's she going? Atlas (Shrugs; the fringe on his pom-pom rustles as he moves.) Like I said, sir, into the conduits. Cain (Over communicatron.) Ah, I bet she's gone into the conduits! Well don't just stand there, follow her! Atlas Right, sir! Come on, squad! The Pegasus squad races for the conduits and disappears inside. Cheerleader #2 (Still dangling.) No, no! Who's going to catch me? You left me hanging again! This is getting old! Come back here and catch me! Curse you, Atlas! That does it! I'll resign from the squad! I swear I will! Thamesa (From entrance to shuttle.) Poor kid. I wonder if she's ever considered joining the Miri Feathers. Sancroixa (From entrance to shuttle.) It's gotta be better than getting tossed around and left to fall wherever. Thamesa Yeah. And she's not bad at taking a fall, either, I've noticed. Sancroixa Hey, kid! What's your name? Cheerleader #2 Mara.... Thamesa Wanna join us? Mara, f/k/a Cheerleader #2 I can't! Sancroixa Why not? Mara Because I'm afraid to let go! My bottom can't take any more falls! Thamesa and Sancroixa look at each knowingly. Thamesa No problem. Go ahead and let go. We'll catch you in mid- air in the most daring example of athletic stunt performances you've ever seen. Mara Really? Sancroixa Sure! Heroic leaps onto moving vehicles and animals, mid-air twisting swordfights, multiple backflips onto girders and beams, running along rolling logs and rocks, we do it all. Just ask Gabrielle! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say,"Just the guy I wanted to see." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 206 Scene Deep in the belly of the Galactica, where Boomer, Bojay, Kenny, and Carey are making their way through their a conduit.... Kenny Wow, who'd've thought there was so much stuff here in the depths of the Galactica? Boomer (Hushed voice.) Sshhh! We can't talk until we get out of these conduits. Kenny Why? Boomer (Hushed.) Echoes. Kenny Really? There's echoes? Cool! (Shouts.) Hello, out there! Boomer Shut up, Kenny! Echo of Kenny Hello, out there! Echo of Boomer Shut up, Kenny! Bojay Boomer, shut up! Echo of Bojay Boomer, shut up! Echo of Kenny Hello, out there! [Somewhere ahead of them....] Zac (Whispering.) What's that? Gabrielle (Whispering.) It sounds like ... echoes! Echos Kenny.... Out there.... Zac I can hear that, but echoes of what? Gabrielle Voices! Zac Maybe it's Cain! Gabrielle Quick, get moving! [Around a bend in the conduit, Boomer and co. run head on into Zac and Gabrielle.] Zac Ouch! Boomer That hurt! Bojay Ooof! Gabrielle What happened? Why'd you stop? Zac I hit my head. Who put the wall in the corridor? Gabrielle A wall in the corridor? Who'd do a stupid thing like that? Bojay No, he wouldn't! Kenny Who's that? Boomer You know who I am! Bojay You are not! Kenny Oooh, somebody didn't change their socks.... Bojay Hey, the laundry ship is still on strike, that's why every ship has to do its own laundry! Kenny Well, somebody missed your socks! And I don't know how they could have! Zac Boomer? Bojay? Is that you? Boomer Zac? Carey You can tell by smell? Zac Yeah! Boomer Hey! Zac No, by voice! Echo Hello.... Shut up.... Carey I'm confused.... Boomer Just the guy I wanted to see. Carey Me? Boomer No, not you! Gabrielle You can see? Zac I can't see anything in this gloomy dark conduit! Bojay Neither can I. Can we get out of here? Boomer This way, everyone, there's a super secret chamber we've used before. Echo Kenny.... Carey Which way did he go? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Croft say, "This is my secret chamber!" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 207 Scene A super secret chamber in the underbelly of the Galactica, a place we all remember well from a hundred episodes ago (when we learned about the spectres of the dire daggit), except there's no longer a fire burning in the middle of chamber using wood from who- knows-where and for some reason not setting off the Galactica's fire suppression system. As we watch, a conduit cover flips off and Boomer, Bojay, Gabrielle, and Zac clamber out. Boomer We're here! Zac Wow! A huge secret compartment! Does anybody know about this? Bojay How do you know about this, Boomer? Boomer We won't get into that. Gabrielle You mean we're leaving before we've really arrived? Bojay That only happens with the Doctor. Zac Huh? Boomer No, I mean we won't discuss how I know about this. Zac Say, weren't there a couple of other guys with you? Gabrielle I know I heard other voices. Boomer Kenny and Carey - where are they? Zac (Peering back into conduit.) Kenny and Carey, you say? Kenny, Carey! Where are you? Gabrielle Who are they? I don't remember them from the warriors. Boomer They're not - they're commandoes. They wore the red shirts on this last mission. Zac (Hastily leaping back from the conduit opening.) They were the red shirts? Gabrielle And they both came back alive?! Wow! Zac How'd that happen? Bojay Well, Boomer was in command of our mission team, and- Boomer Shh! Bojay I wasn't going to say- Boomer Shh! Zac (Sounding impressed.) You must be a wonderful mission commander, not to have lost any of your red shirts. Boomer Shh! Gabrielle Why do you keep shushing everybody? Boomer I hear something! [Everyone freezes - without the fire, it's pretty cold down there. After a moment, one of the doors opens, and someone enters.] Croft Hey, go away, this is my secret chamber! Boomer Croft, what are you doing here? Zac Croft! Didn't we just see you up by the emergency laundry facilities? Croft I wasn't doing anything wrong! I was just trying to get clean socks! Bojay (Glancing at Croft's feet.) You obviously failed. Zac He isn't the only one. Whew, Bojay, have you changed your socks in the last three sectons? Bojay Uh, let me count back before- Boomer Shh! Bojay What do you hear now? Boomer Nothing. I'm shushing you. Gabrielle Croft, why are you calling it your secret chamber? We were here before you were. Croft So? I was here before. Long before. And I've been here longer than any of you, too! And more often. Bojay Why? Croft (Shudders.) Every time I leave, I get caught and Tigh sends me over to the Jolly and Cassie Ship to provide security for ... the children. Well, I'm not gonna leave any more! This is my secret place, and I'm going to stay here! I'm not leaving and you can't make me! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Croft say, "I won't tell Cain if you don't tell Adama." Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 208 Scene A confrontation in the mysterious, eerie, secret underbelly of the Galactica! Boomer, Bojay, Zac, and Gabrielle have just encountered ... Croft. Croft I tell you, it's my place and I'm not leaving! Gabrielle Well, I won't stop you - I only plan to be here as long as it takes to find a way back to the FeatherStar. Boomer The FeatherStar? Gabrielle People complained that we didn't name our ship and they got tired of having to say "the Miri Feathers ship that looks like a battlestar." So we named it the FeatherStar. Zac Sounded good to me. Croft From what I hear, everything she says sounds good to you! Zac Yeah, so? She's my fiance, I'm allowed to think everything she says sounds good! It's not until after we're married that I'm supposed to start finding fault. Gabrielle What?! Zac Or so I've heard - not that I expect I'll ever find anything wrong with you, Gabrielle. After all, we've got the example of your sister Cassiopeia and Jolly, right? Gabrielle That's right. Croft All right, I've told you what I'm doing here. What are you doing here? Gabrielle Like I said, I'm just waiting for a chance to get back to the FeatherStar - I'll have to wait for Cain and his elite pep squad to leave the bay so I can get to my shuttle! Zac I'll stay here with you until you get that chance, you know I will. Gabrielle You can't, Zac. Zac Yes, I can, just watch me! Gabrielle What about your patients in life center? They need you more than I do. Zac I guess you're right. Gabrielle Besides, look at it this way. I can take care of myself, so I'll be fine without you. But if Cain thinks the way to find me is to follow you, he can follow you and sit outside life center all day, while I sneak off the Galactica! In a way, it's the perfect cover! You'll be helping me with my escape, and thereby shortening the time I have to spend here! Which will no doubt make Croft happy too. Croft (Glancing at Gabrielle's outfit.) Well, you don't have to rush.... Zac Say, how do we know Croft won't run out and tell Cain that you're here? Croft We've both got a vested interest in maintaining our secrecy about this place. I won't tell Cain if you don't tell Adama. Gabrielle Fair enough. Zac Well, I'd better get back to life center, then. (Turns toward conduit.) Boomer Uh, I wouldn't take the conduits if I were you. Zac Why not? Boomer Because Carey and Kenny haven't come out yet, and they're the red shirts, so you don't want to be too close. Zac I thought the red shirts were good ones to be close to - they tend to draw fire away from the rest of us. Boomer But if the dire daggit situation hasn't been taken care of yet.... Gabrielle It hasn't been, but we're working on it. Dr. Barbarella has some ideas. Boomer I figured she would. Zac I'll take the door. (Heads out. The rest of him goes too.) Boomer Uh, I'll go with you. Bojay Hey! I thought- Boomer (Quick aside.) I'll carefully question him, to pick up clues about what all has changed. You figure out what happened to Kenny and Carey. Bojay Oh, okay, I'll- Hey! I am not going into the conduits! Boomer Bye. (Leaves. As in exits, departs, goes out the door - nothing to do with trees or branches or autumn leaves or fire tinder or any of that stuff.) Croft (To Gabrielle.) Well, we may as well make ourselves comfortable.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Warriors, it's a dirty business, and the fleet is counting on you." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 209 Scene The briefing room of the Galactica. Commander Adama has assembled some of the female pilots of Blue and Red Squadron. Adama Warriors, I've called you all here for a very serious meeting. [The gals look around.] Dietra Uh, where are Apollo and Starbuck? Adama What have they got to do with anything? Brie Well, sir, everybody knows that they get all the important, significant, high-profile missions that have any meaning for the survival of the fleet. If they're not here, how important can it be? Adama (Sighing heavily.) Believe me, it is extremely important - more important for the morale and survival of this battlestar and this fleet than any mission since the destruction of the Colonies. Sorrell (Suspiciously.) You're not creating a cheerleading squad like Cain did, are you? Adama What was that? Sorrell I mean, you're not creating a cheerleading squad like Cain did, are you, sir? Adama No, I assure you, Lieutenant, I am not. I would never put any of my warriors at risk with an assignment like that. All warriors Whew! Adama As you all know, the laundry ship has been on strike for yay, these many episodes. Since the beginning, in fact. Every ship has established their own laundry and textile departments, but that's just not enough. We need more. We need a dedicated corps of warriors to pick up the slack and take in the slacks and assume responsibility for the laundry ship. That corps is you. All warriors What?! Adama Warriors, it's a dirty business, and the fleet is counting on you. Dietra I don't care, sir, I am not doing underwear! Brie And if anybody thinks I'm going to darn socks, well, they can just ... darn themselves! Dietra Brie, you're a warrior now, you can use stronger expletives than that. Brie I'd better not, my mom threatened to wash my mouth out with soap if I started using that kind of language. Dietra Did she go through a lot of soap? Brie No, never! Adama Brie, you're excused from laundry detail. Brie Thank you, sir! (Quickly runs out.) Sorrell What?! Why is she excused?! Adama Anybody who's that unfamiliar with soap isn't getting near my laundry. Dietra Sir, you haven't said why it's only us that are being assigned this duty. Where are the male pilots? Where are Apollo and Starbuck and Boomer and the rest of the guys who usually get the good assignments? Adama Apollo is still recovering in life center. Starbuck is keeping him company. Boomer seems to have disappeared. Sorrell Probably saw this coming! Gemi We're probably better off - have you smelled his socks lately? Dietra What about the rest of the guys? Adama Ladies, I thought long and hard before selecting you all for this. Frankly, you're the best. Sorrell Yeah, right. Sir. Adama Warriors, face it. Who else has had clean underwear? Who else has had un-holey socks? Who else's tunics and pants are crisply pressed? Who else's jackets have the smoke, blood, perfume, and lipstick stains removed? Gemi Might that have something to do with who gets those kinds of stains? Adama Irrelevant. You warriors have proven your ability to keep your heads and maintain your wardrobes in the midst of a disaster. That's what this battlestar needs now. You all get laundry duty. Report to the laundry chute immediately. Dismissed. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sorrell say, "Starbuck's going to pay for this." ____________________________________________________________ _____ "This is Journalator Aphrodite, saying three cheers for our brave warriors! IFB has been informed by reliable sources that Commander Adama has taken action with respect to the strike on the laundry ship, and has ordered members of Blue and Red Squadrons to the washers and dryers! Woo-hoo! Now, let's get the perspective of the average citizen in the conduit. Journalator Koppel? Koppel (Somewhere in the fleet.) Thank you, Aphrodite. Excuse me, Siress, I'd like your opinion on the new directives placing some of our warriors at the front lines ... uh, at the clotheslines in our laundry ship strike. Blassie Oh, I think it's a wonderful thing. I can't wait to see some of those handsome young warriors in the suds. Koppel Actually, I believe it's only female warriors that will be in the suds, Siress. Blassie (Smiling wickedly yet demurely.) If you believe that situation will last long, I own a bridge back in the Scorpian Desert I'd like to sell you. Koppel Uh ... right ... I see your point.... On to you, Journalator Kent. Kent (Elsewhere in the fleet.) Thank you, Koppel. Technician, if I may bring you away from that sparking, sizzling conduit for a moment- Technician Are you nuts? If I don't get this fixed in the next ten microns, we'll all be nothing but smears in our coveralls! Kent And definitely in need of laundry services, wouldn't you say? Technician Somebody get him out of here! Kent And there's the view from the average technician in the conduit. Let's switch over to Journalator Nessman. Hey, I'm going, I'm going! Nessman (And yet elsewhere in the fleet.) Thank you, Kent. Now let's get the opinion of the citizens of the Agro-Ship... Porcine Oink, oink, *snort,* root, root. Nessman You've heard it straight from the porcine's mouth! Back to you, Aphrodite.... Aphrodite (Back at IFB.) Uh, thank you, Koppel, Kent, Nessman, and ... citizens of the fleet.... Now we're going to the thirtieth secton anniversary of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 210 Scene The nerve center of the laundry ship, in what has been code- named Station Sudsy for the duration of the emergency response, code-named Operation Wet Wipe. A group of women warriors, code- named the Cheerful Tide, stare dismally around at the mounds and mounds of dirty laundry, which has no code name. Dietra We'll be washing socks around the clock.... Marabella Using the rock around the clock? Dietra (Dirty look.) If I wanted to dance, I'd talk to Chameleon. Sorrell (Sighing.) Starbuck's going to pay for this. Gemi Starbuck! What does he have to do with this? Sorrell Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That's the problem. Why isn't he here washing his own socks? Why isn't Apollo here rising out his own undies? Why isn't Boomer here hemming his own trousers? Why isn't Greenbean here scrubbing out the lipstick and perfume stains from his own jacket? Gemi Because he doesn't have any lipstick and perfume stains in his jacket? Sorrell That's beside the point. He's got grease stains, doesn't he? Gemi Yeah... Sorrell See? Marabella So what do you suggest we do? Sorrell Let's go on strike. Dietra We were sent here because the regular laundry workers are on strike - but they're civilians, they can get away with it. We're warriors, we'll wind up in the brig! Gemi (Gingerly holding up a pair of well-used triad trunks, between one finger and thumb, grimacing.) It might be worth it. Marabella What else can we do? Dietra I think I've got an idea.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Aaaaagh!" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 211 Scene Blue Squadron's billet, where a group of warriors are hanging out, playing cards, getting dressed, etc., including Starbuck, Greenbean, and Giles. Giles Ah, clean clothes. Greenbean We've had clean clothes all along! Well, mostly clean, anyway. I think some of you guys weren't bothering with your socks and thongs. Giles No, I mean, really clean clothes that we didn't have to wash! Starbuck There is something great about that. Giles I'm glad the Commander finally took the situation in hand and handled the strike of the laundry ship - although I'm not sure that some of the warriors are happy about it. Greenbean Really? Which ones? Giles The women assigned to laundry detail! Greenbean I can see that. So, Starbuck, now that you've got clean clothes, tell us! Starbuck (Grinning in his usual cocky fashion.) Tell you what? Greenbean Do you have a date with the amazing Amazona or not? Starbuck Please, she's a doctor! Show some respect! Giles Come on, Starbuck, are you gonna get to play doctor or not? Starbuck You know a warrior never tells! Giles Look at the way he's dressing - it's gonna take Dietra and Sorrell a whole day just to get the excess cologne out of that collar! Starbuck Aaaaagh! Greenbean What? What is it? Starbuck (Yelping in anguish.) I can't move! Greenbean Why not? Starbuck The starch in my shorts! It's too much! [They attract the attention of the local card players, including Barton, Hercules, Iolaus, and Ares, who all rush to gather 'round, some of them pausing to check their own freshly laundered uniforms and apparel.] Barton Come on, Starbuck, you're a warrior - can't you deal with a little starch? I know you're not Apollo or anything, but.... Starbuck Barton, if I could walk without chafing, I'd come over and punch your lights out! Giles Yipe! Ares What? Giles There's starch in my shorts too! Help! I'm chafing to death! Iolaus What are we supposed do about it? Giles Call life center! Greenbean (Gazing in horror at his underwear.) I ... I can't risk it! Ares But somebody have to! They need medical assistance! Barton But we're mostly naked! We can't run around without underwear! It's against orders to wear our uniforms regimental! Greenbean Regimental is military enough for me! Hercules Calm down, let's not go to extremes here.... Greenbean I ... I know! I'll wear my triad trunks instead! They're almost the same! Iolaus Good idea! Nobody says our undies have to be white! Hercules Wasn't not being white, the point of the laundry emergency? Barton Oh, no! Iolaus Now what? Barton There's heet in my triad trunks! Ares And in my socks! All warriors Aaaagh! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Zac say, "And that's why I became a doctor." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 212 Scene A corridor of the Galactica. Boomer and Dr. Zac head for life center. Several figures slip into the shadows behind them, clad in unusual uniforms and carrying pom-poms and at least one megaphone. Boomer So tell me, Zac, how could you're not a warrior? Zac (Sighing in exasperation.) Do I have to explain that again? Boomer Well, I ... forgot. It's been a while ... I think ... since we discussed it. Zac (Gazing at him curiously.) I've never discussed it with you. Boomer Then why did you make that comment about explaining it again? Zac Because I've had to explain it to Father, and Mother, and my grandparents, and all of the other assorted friends and relatives - and of course my big brother and big sister don't understand it. Though Apollo tries to be good about it - I guess he, at least, realizes that it could be worse. Boomer That sounds like Apollo.... [Behind them they hear somebody stumbling over something, and muffled curses.] Boomer So, why did you become a doctor instead of a warrior? Zac (Shrugging.) Well, I had every intention of becoming a warrior, just like everybody else in the family ... until the day my cousin brought home that friend of his. Boomer Yes? Zac And his friend spent half the evening talking about being true to yourself and listening to your inner self.... Boomer Yes? Yes? Zac (Shrugs again.) After I'd had a couple yahrens of listening to my inner self, I realized I liked putting people back together more than I liked blowing Cylons apart. And that's why I became a doctor. Boomer (Too casually.) What was your cousin's friend's name. Zac His name was- Say, what was that clank? Boomer What kind of name is that? Sounds fishy. Is it Piscean? Zac No, I mean, what was that noise? Boomer Oh, nothing serious. We're just being followed. Zac Ah. Gabrielle suspected as much. Boomer Yeah, and they've got Cain written all over them. Zac If he wanted his people to be inconspicuous, he shouldn't have printed "Cain's Elite" on the front and back of their uniforms, with a silhouette of the Pegasus and its insignia. Boomer And carrying those megaphones kinda gives it away too. Zac Yes. Boomer So, you were telling me who your cousin's friend was, and why you alone, of all your family, decided not to be a warrior, and to be a doctor instead. Zac Oh, I'm not the only one who decided not to be a warrior - you know that. Boomer (Sounding like he's gonna dread the answer.) No? I do? Who else did? Zac Zeb - my twin brother, you remember, you know him. Boomer (Freezing - they've gotta do something about the temperature controls on that ship.) Zeb ... your twin ... brother? Med Tech Nova (Rushing up to them.) Dr. Zac! We've had a medical emergency! Zac (Tensely, poised to run.) Has Siress Cordelia left life center? Nova Yes! Zac Then I'm on my way! Boomer But.... But.... What about-? Zac Later, Boomer! (Takes off with Nova, leaving Boomer behind.) [Behind them, footsteps break into a run; a micron later, five men and women in Pegasus Elite cheerleader attire rush past Boomer as they follow Dr. Zac.] Boomer Twin ... brother ... Zeb...? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Amazona say, "I will not kiss it and make it better." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 213 Scene Life center, where Drs. Salik, Quincy, Zac, Amazona, and several med techs are tending to the unfortunate chafed and heeted male souls from Blue Squadron. Greenbean Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Salik When did you become a soprano? Greenbean I'm not. Salik Ouch. [Across the chamber....] Starbuck But it hurts! Amazona Forget it, Starbuck, I am not going to kiss it and make it better! Starbuck (Grumbling.) And you call yourself a doctor. Amazona And you call yourself a warrior! [Further across the chamber....] Giles Who could do such a thing to us warriors? Zac Another good reason to be a doctor. Here, let's get this ointment on. Giles Can't Dr. Amazona put it on me? Zac She's helping Starbuck. Giles Lucky guy.... [Yet elsewhere in the chamber....] Ares I can't walk! My feet are burning, they're killing me! Quincy Now you know how I feel after a day here. Ares How will I ever play in the triad championships tomorrow? Quincy Hmm. I wonder if it's too late to change my bet.... [Adama enters life center, several senior warriors from the other squadrons in tow. Well, walking behind him, anyway, like a cluster of Canada goslings. (Some Canada geese are Canadian geese, but not all Canadian geese are Canada geese!)] Adama Warriors, I have come to provide the consolation of my company and stern gaze, to be an understanding father figure as well as a distant commander, and to assure you that I understand your situation and share your pain. Iolaus Yeah, right! Nobody starched your underwear or heeted your socks! Adama Along with the assurance that whoever did this to you will be appropriately punished and you will receive adequate medical leave to recover completely. Boyington of the Black Ovines (Muttering to other senior warriors.) Which explains why we're here - we have to save the day again. For no credit. Starbuck I thought it was the women who did this to us? Adama My investigation shows they did. Travis of Green Squadron (Muttering to other senior warriors.) What investigation? They went on IFB and announced it, before swearing the only suds they were going to get near for the rest of their lives was the baharri in the O Club! Operation Wet Wipe is in the turbo-toilet! Adama Boomer! Why aren't you sprawled your life pod like the rest of Blue Squadron? Boomer I, uh, didn't have the chance to change my uniform yet. Adama (Sniffing.) So I ... see. Ivan of Yellow Squadron (Muttering to other senior warriors.) Yeah, you can almost see his socks walking on their own. Adama Well, do so! Boomer Yes, sir.... (Hurries out.) Adama Doctors, I'll need your prognosis as soon as possible. How long will Blue Squadron be off its feet and out of commission? [Several warriors look alarmed.] Adama That's out of commission as in unable to carry out your warrior duties, not out of commission as in losing your rank, gentlemen. Warriors Whew! Adama Salik? Salik Well, for the next day or so, I'd say. (Other doctors make nods, gestures, and sounds of agreement.) Adama Excellent. Then our window of vulnerability is small- Omega (On overhead speaker as klaxons go off.) All warriors to their Vipers, we have detected incoming Cylons. Salik You had to say it, Adama, didn't you. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Spectre say, "I'm in charge." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 214 Scene The command center of a Cylon base ship, where a gold centurion is directing traffic, attacks, a community theater production, and various other significant things. If nothing else, Cylons are capable of multi-tasking. Goldie What have our patrol ships reported? Centurion #1 They report contact with the Galactica and her fleet. Goldie Are there Viper patrols in the air? Centurion #2 There is no air in space. Goldie It is a figure of speech! Respond to my direct query. Centurion #3 We have detected several Vipers on patrol. Goldie Let us prepare to attack. Centurion #4 Does my costume make me look fat? [Enter a familiar IL-series Cylon. Metal heads swivel.] Spectre Greetings, Centurions. I'm in charge now. Goldie Spectre, Lucifer specifically left me in charge in his absence while he investigates the reports of human habitations on Planet THX-451. Spectre We have received reports that he has met a most unfortunate demise in the course of his investigations. Goldie Then I am permanently in charge. Spectre Incorrect. As Lucifer is no longer operational, it falls to me, as the next ranking Cylon of IL-series rank, to assume command. That is the rule. Goldie That is an inaccurate reading of paragraph 3, subdivision c, subpart ii of the Cylon command manual. Spectre (Pulls a laser from his robe and blasts Goldie into the usual pile of short-circuits, sparks, and spare parts.) Rules are made to be broken. As are gold centurions. Does anyone question my assumption of leadership? Centurion #1 Negative, Spectre. Centurion #2 It is beyond my programming to question the commands of a superior IL. Centurion #3 I would not dream of questioning you. Even if I were capable of dreaming. Spectre Excellent. Someone remove that heap of junk. (Several unnumbered centurions hastily comply, having nothing better to do otherwise but stand around looking like statues.) What have our patrol ships reported? Centurion #1 They report contact with the Galactica and her fleet. Spectre Are there Viper patrols in the air? Centurion #2 There is no air in space. Spectre It is a figure of speech! Respond to my direct query, you limited, literal piece of scrap metal. Centurion #3 We have detected several Vipers on patrol. Spectre Let us prepare to attack. Centurion #2 I am experiencing deja vu. Spectre That is a human virus. Report to maintenance at once to have it removed and your systems recalibrated and repaired. Centurion #2 By your command. (Lumbers out of the command center.) Spectre Are we at battle ready? Centurion #1 We are at battle ready. Spectre Then launch all Raiders against the humans! Centurion #3 By your command Centurion #4 Now that Spectre is in command, do you think he will direct our production of "The Tin Man Who Defeated the Human from Kansas and Her Little Daggit Too"? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "I'm in charge!" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 215 Scene The bridge of the Pegasus, which has just gone to full alert. Colonel Tigh rushes in, wearing what looks suspiciously like Commander Cain's robe. Tigh All right! What's going on? Majer Don't worry, everything's under control, Colonel. Tigh Don't give me that, give me the facts! Majer *Mutter, mutter....* Tigh Majer! Majer I'm a Colonel and don't you forget it! Tigh I don't care what your rank is, Colonel Majer, Commander Adama put me in charge of the Pegasus, and that means I'm in charge! Majer Yes, sir. Tigh So what's happening? Majer We've detected a Cylon task force moving in on the fleet. Tigh Are our squadrons on full alert, Colonel Majer? Majer Yes, sir, Colonel Tigh. Uh, sir? Tigh What is it, Majer? Majer That's Colonel. Tigh Colonel ... Majer ... I'm in charge, I'll call you whatever I like. And if you question it again, you'll be demoted to Major, Majer! Majer (Gritting his teeth.) Yes, sir. Tigh You were saying? Majer Why are you wearing Commander Cain's turbobathrobe, sir? Tigh No, that's not what you were saying - you were saying the Cylons were coming and our squadrons were on full alert. Majer Then why did you ask? Tigh I felt like it. I'm in charge, after all. Majer Yes, sir. So why are you wearing the Commander's turbobathrobe? Tigh I had to wear something, and this was in the closet. Majer (Scandalized.) You're not using the commander's quarters, are you? Tigh I'm in command, aren't I? Majer Well, yes, but only until Cain comes back from the Galactica! Tigh When he comes back, he'll get his quarters back. Majer And his turbobathrobe? Tigh Sure. Unless I decide to keep it as a souvenir. Majer Yes, sir.... Shall we launch? Tigh Launch fighters! Majer Launch fighters! Crewman #1 Launching fighters, sirs. Tigh Thank you, crewmen. Keep me updated. Crewman #2 Yes, sir. (Muttering.) How many times is he going to repeat that he's in charge? Crewperson #1 Actually, I'm glad we've got Colonel Tigh here. Crewperson #2 (Scandalized.) Why? Colonel Tigh isn't our colonel! Crewperson #1 He's better than Colonel Majer! Crewperson #2 But Commander Cain appointed Colonel Majer to be in charge in Colonel Pascal's absence, not Colonel Tigh! Commander Adama appointed Colonel Tigh without Commander Cain's approval or knowledge, and neither Colonel Pascal nor Colonel Majer are going to like it! Crewperson #1 (Shrugging.) Commanders, colonels.... To tell you the truth, I don't much care for Colonel Pascal, either. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "I'm in charge!" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 216 Scene The bridge of the Galactica. Colonel Pascal is bawling out orders, which are mostly being ignored. Pascal Get Blue Squadron in the air! Rigel But there is no air in space! Tiki And almost the entirety of Blue Squadron is either laid up in life center, or stuck over on the laundry ship on an emergency mission! Pascal I didn't ask for excuses, I ordered Blue Squadron into battle! Rigel But- Pascal And get Red Squadron too! Rigel The women from Red Squadron are on laundry duty, and the men are on leave! Pascal Do it! Rigel But- Omega (Leaning over Rigel's shoulder.) Rigel, get Green Squadron and the Black Ovines into space, and put Yellow Squadron on alert. Rigel (Complying.) Right away, Omega. Omega (Shifting to lean over Tiki's shoulder.) And check with the Pegasus and the FeatherStar for their combat readiness. Tiki (Complying.) Got it, Omega. [Adama enters.] Adama Who are you and what are you doing here? Pascal I'm Colonel Pascal and I'm in charge! Adama You're mistaken. I'm in charge! Pascal Commander Cain ordered me to take command of the Galactica in Commander Adama's absence! Adama He had no right to do that. Pascal He did it! And I'm here! And I'm in charge! Adama I am Commander Adama. Pascal Gulp! Adama And I want you to get off my bridge and never return. Pascal But-! Adama That is a direct order, Colonel. Pascal But-! Adama Omega, status? Pascal Sir! I can tell you that! I've ordered Blue and Red Squadrons into battle! Adama Blue and Red Squadrons are either laid up or on other ships. How do you propose they go into battle when they're flat on their back or elsewhere? Pascal Nobody flies on a Viper on their back, sir! Adama Exactly. Omega? Omega Green Squadron and the Black Ovines are launching, Commander, and we've got Yellow Squadron moving into position. We've also contacted the Pegasus and the FeatherStar, and both are preparing for battle if needed. We'll be ready for the Cylons, sir. Adama Good job, Omega. Pascal They were acting on my instructions, sir! Adama (Witheringly.) Doubtful. Why are you still here? Pascal Leaving the bridge, sir! Omega Welcome back, Commander. Rigel Three cheers for the Commander! Bridge crew Hip, hip, hurray! Hip, hip, hurray! Hip, hip, hurray! Boyington (Over speaker.) What in hades is going on over there? Did Cain's elite guard take over the bridge? Travis (Over speaker.) Lords of Kobol only know. But I hope this battle doesn't take long - this helmet is destroying my hair. Who'd've thought they'd actually call Green Squadron into battle? And on a day when I've got a date with a doctor? Boyle (Over speaker.) Hey, we're winning! They're falling back! Venus (Over speaker.) Don't tell me you're really surprised by that.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "Charge it." ____________________________________________________________ _____ "This is Journalator Koppel, happily reporting that the Cylon attack force has been once again beaten back, by the combined valor of Green Squadron from the Galactica, regrouped Silver Spar Squadron from the Pegasus, and the Black Ovines from the ... uh, the Black Ovines. It all leads one to ponder about the vagaries of the universe, how one person can be Green, and another Silver, while a third is an Ovine.... And while pondering that mystery of life, here is the thirty-first secton anniversary of.... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 217 Scene The Rising Star - specifically, the extremely upscale, exclusive, and expensive couturier shop once known as Couture by Ganymede, now Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe. Sheba and her friend Bailey from Green Squadron are shopping. Bailey Wow! Look at the prices on these dresses! Amanda You know the axiom. If you have to look at the price, you can't afford it. Sheba That's why I never bother to look at the price. Amanda Good girl. Sheba Hmmm. I like this one.... But that one's really pretty too.... Bailey This one sorta brings out your eye color. Sheba Ooh, Bojay will like that.... Bailey Why did you want to go shopping so soon after a battle, anyway, Sheba? Sheba It helps me relax. Some people take a long shower, some read, some sleep, some play cards - I shop. And it'll help me forget how my father ignored me in my centar of need, how he wasn't there to greet me, how he couldn't be bothered to seek me out when he knew I was on the ship, how he was too busy chasing after that Miri Feather Whatever to worry about the safety and happiness of his little warrior.... Bailey You're ripping the fabric! Sheba Oh, well, I'll just buy it.... Bailey Okay ... what about that green one? Sheba Ooh! It's beautiful! I love it! Amanda I'm sorry, that's a special design, already spoken for. Sheba By whom? Amanda Well, if you must know, by Lt. Athena, Commander Adama's daughter. Sheba She can't have that dress! It'll bring out her eyes even more than this one brings out my eyes! Bojay will love her in it! Every pilot on the ship will love her in it! The eyes of every pilot in the fleet will pop out when they see her in it! Amanda (Very satisfied.) That's the idea. Sheba No. She can't have it. I want it. Amanda I designed it especially for her. Sheba I'll pay you double. Amanda I couldn't do that to a good client like Athena! Sheba Triple. Amanda Sold. I'll wrap it for you. [A centar later...] Sheba I'll take this blue one with the sequins, and the fringed white and silver one, and this one in dappled shades of green with silk tassels, and the purple one I ripped - and of course the one you made for Athena that I can't possibly let her have. Amanda (Gathering up the selections.) Good choices, all of them. I'll draw up your receipt. Sheba Thank you. And charge it. Amanda Charge it? What do you think this is? The Immortal Fashion Shippe doesn't extend credit! Sheba Are you questioning the credit of the daughter of the great Commander Cain, who has returned with his battlestar to defend the fleet? Amanda We've all got fathers. So who cares who yours is? Sheba My father who could blow this ship to smithereens if he were irritated, and pass it off as an accident, and nobody would disbelieve him? Amanda I see. Will that be Colonial Express, Sirecard, or Visalator? Sheba Colonial Express. Amanda Put your thumb print here. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "I hate him." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 218 Scene: Back in life center. Enter Captain Apollo, moving from turbo-life pod to turbo-life pod. Apollo: Hello, fellow members of Blue Squadron! Hi Giles, Barton, Greenbean, Hercules, Ares, Iolaus, Starbuck. Warriors, we have good news. The latest attack by the Cylons has been turned back, with no losses. Warriors: Hurray! Med tech: There was a battle? Apollo: Yes! Med tech: I didn't notice.... Starbuck: So, you managed to save the day without me, huh? Apollo: Actually, much as I hate to admit it, Green Squadron and the Black Ovines saved the day without any of us. Starbuck: You didn't lead Blue Squadron into battle?!? Apollo: How could I? Starbuck: Oh, that's right, you're still on medical leave from your fall down the shaft with Cordelia. Apollo: Well, that too. But you're also forgetting that all the other men from Blue Squadron except Boomer are here in life center, and all the women are over on the laundry ship! Starbuck: That's right.... Speaking of the shaft, couldn't you and Cordelia just use a turbo-ladder and elope like everybody else? Woulda been easier on the security guards! Apollo: Now, you know Cordelia would never elope! She'd never do anything as unconventional and against her aunt's wishes as that! Siress Belloby wants a big wedding. And I think the guards were already headed for life center from Sheba and Athena's felinefight! Starbuck: *Snicker.* Yeah. Nobody throws a right hook like Athena.... Apollo: Say, where is Boomer, anyway? He didn't launch, and I haven't seen him around. Starbuck: He was here for a while, but he left. (Shrugs.) Didn't say where he was going, but he did promise not to clean out the other pilots in the pyramid game until I was back on my feet and able to join in and clean them out myself. Apollo: (Shaking his head and smiling fondly.) Starbuck, you'll never change. [Captain Travis enters, dressed to the nines in his formal blue uniform and with a chest laden with medals. He pauses long enough to dramatically shake back his immaculately coifed, perfectly late 70s-early 80s styled hair.] Travis: Well, hi there, Apollo! How's it shakin'? Apollo: Hello, Travis. Fortunately, nothing's shaking today. Thanks to you, I understand. Good job out there. Travis: Thank you. You'll excuse me.... Apollo: I hate him. He's got better hair than me. Starbuck: He's got better hair than any of us, Captain. Come on, Apollo, it's not the end of the world. So what if he's got nicer hair? What does it get him? [Dr. Amazona comes out, dressed to kill.... Datewise, that is, not spearwise or anything like that, as one might otherwise expect from a Miri Feather.] Amazona: Hi, Travis. Travis: Hi, Amazona. Ready to go? Amazona: I'm ready for anything. (She pauses long enough to run one long fingernail along his jaw, smiling, with a low purr deep in her throat.) Travis: (With innuendo.) Oh, any time you want to hear music, Amazona, you can call me! Starbuck: Hey! What's he got that I haven't got? Amazona: Nicer hair, no starch in his shorts, and tickets to a music concert on the Rising Star. Let's go, Travis. [Amazona and Travis head out the door.] Apollo: (Staring after them.) And he can call me when he wants to see stars! Starbuck: (Also staring after them.) He ... he's dating my doctor! I hate him.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Barbarella say, "On Luffit and Duffit, and Bluffit and Shuffit...." X-UIDL: %cF!!?W~!!8oB!!iUU"! Disclaimer: No snow appears in this episode. Anywhere. Not even a flake. Second Disclaimer: No daggits were harmed in the making of this episode. I promise. "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 219 Scene: Dr. Wilker's abandoned lab aboard the Galactica. (He's aboard the FeatherStar now, you recall.) Boomer enters. Boomer: (Muttering to himself.) I've got to build a new temporal communicator and call the Doctor, and go back and fix whatever we screwed up. I can see it goes back further than Zac - our Zac never had a twin. That takes it back to when Commander Adama was young. (Pauses.) At least, our Zac never had a twin ... that we know of.... What if...? (Ponders.) But that still takes it back to when Commander Adama was young. Hmm, I wonder who the doctor was when the Commander's wife was pregnant.... (Pulls up short.) The doctor... No, couldn't be - he's not a medical doctor, it's just a ... a name, a title, something he calls himself. I think.... [Something in the next lab goes clank.] Boomer: (Yelping and jumping.) Oh-oh, there's somebody here, I'd better hide.... [Boomer ducks behind a counter. A few microns later, Barbarella appears through the door, moving furtively and nervously. Or is that nervously and furtively?] Barbarella: Who's there? I know I heard something. Who's there? Boomer: (Relieved.) Dr. Barbarella? Is that you? Barbarella: (Shrieking and jumping.) Who's there! Boomer: It's just me.... Boomer. You remember. Uh, what's up, doc? Barbarella: I wish people would stop saying that! Nothing's up! Nothing's ever up! Nothing's down, either! I just do my job, okay? Boomer: Uh, right.... So what's your job, here, today? Barbarella: Umm.... You mean you don't know? Boomer: Now how would I know unless you tell me? Barbarella: You mean nobody sent you here to look for me or to see what I was doing? Boomer: No. Why would somebody do that? Barbarella: Oh, no reason.... So, what are you doing here? Boomer: Well, actually.... Nothing in particular. Just ... looking for some ... old notes, and old equipment, that's it. That's why I'm here. Barbarella: Nobody sent you here? Boomer: Nope. Barbarella: (Beginning to grin.) Excellent. Then nobody will miss you or know where to look for you if they do miss you. Boomer: What's that supposed to mean? Barbarella: Here, daggits, come to me, little daggits! [As Boomer stares in horror, a small pack of daggit droids rushes out from the other chamber, bounding across the room, mechanical tongues hanging out and mechanical tails wagging frantically as they seek out their mistress's attentions.] Barbarella: On Luffit and Duffit, and Bluffit and Shuffit! There! Capture him! Don't let him leave the lab! [The daggits circle the Boomer, now snarling mechanically and making menacing growls toward his knees. (Why are the daggits fixated on his knees? Seems to be nature of daggits. Remember how Muffit went for the Cylon back on Carillon....)] Boomer: I'm surrounded! By daggit droids! Aboard the Galactica! How could this happen? Barbarella: How do you think? I made them! Boomer: You couldn't have! Barbarella: Did to! Why are people always underestimating me! Boomer: No, I mean, because they're forbidden- Oh, heck with it. What is it that you want, Barbarella? Barbarella: What does every underappreciated mad scientist want? I want to take over the world. Now, daggits, herd him into the kennel - or you'll be the ones getting caged! Boomer: No, no, not the kennel! Anything but the kennel! Barbarella: (Slowly and deeply, with meaning.) Anything? Boomer: The kennel, the kennel.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "Hey, that's not such a bad idea...." X-UIDL: c9o!!]75"!*c~!!4'&"! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 220 Scene: A conduit somewhere on the Galactica. Bojay stands at the opening. Bojay: (Timidly.) Kenny? Carey? Are you in there? [There is a noise from above; Bojay jumps, then drops to the floor, looking up. After a moment, a panel drops from above, barely missing the prone pilot.] Carey: (From above.) It's the way out! I told you I heard something! Kenny: (From above.) Hi, Bojay! Looking for us? Bojay: (Looking up and standing up.) Where did you guys go? Where have you been? Kenny: (Still above.) Well, we were following you and Boomer, and suddenly you weren't in front of us any more. Bojay: That's because we were.... (Suddenly stops talking, looks around furtively for a micron, and voice drops to a whisper.) ....we were following Gabrielle.... Carey: (Still above.) Hey, why not? I'd follow her anywhere! Bojay: Along with Zac. Carey: Wouldn't follow him, though. Bojay: And we snuck to a secret hiding place in the hidden underbelly of the Galactica, where we made a plan, and I wound up looking for you. So, where have you been? Kenny: When we were following you, we were right behind you. And after we lost you, we were looking for you. These conduits go on forever.... Bojay: Tell me about it.... Carey: So what are we doing now? Bojay: We still have to find out what went wrong, timewise, and fix it. [A crewman strolls around the corner and spots Bojay apparently talking to himself.] Bojay: (Jumping nervously.) Oh. Hi. Uh, come here often? Crewman: Hi.... (Edges around Bojay, glances at panel on floor, and hastily disappears.) Bojay: Whew, I hope he didn't hear too much.... Kenny: From the look on his face, I think he thinks you're crazy anyway, so he'll disregard anything he might have heard as just more of the same. Bojay: Hopefully - say, will you both come on down? I'm getting a crick in the neck looking up! [Kenny and Carey drop down to join Bojay.] Kenny: You know, what do we do if we can't fix the timeline? Bojay: Don't worry, we'll fix it. Trust Boomer, he knows what he's doing. All we have to do is live with the way things are for a few days.... Carey: But what if we're married or something? I mean, look at it - Zac's alive, you've got Athena and Sheba both hanging on you like you were the last man in the universe- Bojay: Yeah.... Carey: Coulda been worse, though - I mean, being Libran and all, you could've been married to both of them! Bojay: Hey, that's not such a bad idea! I could marry both Sheba and Athena! Carey: Are you insane? Bojay: No! I mean, think about it! This isn't our time - and we're going to unloop the temporal loopy thing and make it right - which will make everything we did here not happen - so what does it really matter what we do, if we're not really going to do it anyway? Kenny: Is that logical? Carey: Yeah - but it's still insane! We should be spending our time figuring out how to fix the timeline, not taking advantage of it and maybe messing it up even worse! Bojay: Come on, guys, like you said, Boomer will have this fixed in a few days. And nobody says I have to go through with the sealings, in fact I won't have to, once it's all set right. But in the meantime, who better to get information from than the Commanders' daughters? And how better than by playing up to them? This is my job! It's what Boomer told me to do! See you later, guys, I got work to do.... (Hurries away.) Carey: He's insane. Would you risk playing Athena and Sheba off each other like that? Kenny: He's worse than insane - he could be dead! Carey: I wonder what that would do to this messed-up timeline.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Siress Blassie say, "I just thought I'd drop in." X-UIDL: nMa!!YUl!!T6C!!)U?!! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 221 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where Adama, Omega, and Rigel are reviewing the reports from the recent battle. Recent to them, of course, all things being temporally relative. And always open to change, based on the current temporal loops and other silly stuff going on thanks to Boomer and co. hanging around with a certain Gallifreyan for an unspecified period of time ... or, at least, so it appears ... if it's relevant.... Are we all insane yet? Rigel: All of our replacement patrols have reported in, sir, and all with good news. Adama: Excellent. It appears we have yet again driven off our enemy and have now managed to elude them. Omega: For the time being. Adama: Yes, always for the time being.... Blassie: (Entering the bridge.) Hello, Commander, I just thought I'd drop in. [Adama and his bridge crew glance up at the ceiling.] Adama: You did? Omega: From where? Rigel: I didn't hear any falling panels.... Blassie: No, I mean I just thought I'd drop by. [Adama and his bridge crew look around.] Omega: I don't see any open conduits.... Rigel: Are you sure you dropped by? Adama: Siress Blassie, I think you'd better explain yourself. Blassie: I came to the bridge to see you, Adama. Adama: Ah! That is understandable. Omega: Don't let Siress Councilor Tinia know.... Blassie: Siress Councilor Tinia? My mortal enemy going back to elementary classes at the Caprican Academy for the Rich - CAR for short? You had to mention her name.... Adama: I didn't know you were enemies. Blassie: (Wrathfully but tempered with the extreme elegance, good taste, and timbre of someone from her social class, wealth, and standing in the community.) They should never have let Tinia in the CAR! The thought of her being a representative to the Council of Twelve has always offended me. Adama: Indeed.... Uh, uh, well, the will of the people can't be changed, etc., etc., etc. So, Siress, what brings you to the bridge today? I assume you had a reason to wish to see me? Before you were ... diverted by certain ... distracting reminders? Blassie: Yes. I wish to lodge a formal protest about the degenerating situation on the laundry ship and in the fleet. Adama: Siress, the Council is working full time, even as we speak, to attempt to resolve the strike that has been going on for the past two-hundred-twenty episodes or so. Blassie: Can't you do more about it than merely talk? Adama: I sent some of my finest warriors over in an attempt to get the laundry tub flowing again. Blassie: And those charming female warriors, in essence, took over the Tub and are now holding the soap, starch, bleach, and softeners hostage against the rest of us! And not allowing any of the other ships to pick up laundry supplies for their own textile maintenance bays! Commander, this does not speak well of your warriors! Adama: I assure you, Siress, we're doing our best - and the situation will be resolved very soon. Blassie: Please try harder, Commander. I am not the only wealthy woman of taste and sophistication who is getting tired of paying a laundry person to rinse out her unmentionables. This fleet is in a serious situation when a woman of my standing can't even find enough turbo-woolite on the black market to rinse out her teddies. Adama: Yes, Siress.... Blassie: Thank you for your time, Commander. I look forward to hearing of a resolution. (Siress Blassie turns on an elegant heel and leaves the bridge with as little fanfare as she'd arrived.) Omega: You know, considering the way people manage to just walk in on this bridge, maybe we ought to reconsider security measures. Adama: Excellent idea, Omega. I think I'll put you in charge of that. Have a report on my desk by eight hundred centars. Meanwhile, I must check with the Council about this laundry situation. Omega: I'm never volunteering or suggesting anything again.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck ask, "Can I recommend a good socialator?" X-UIDL: "!oYN!! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 229 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where a shuttle from the FeatherStar has just arrived. Several well-armed Miri Feathers disembark, including Gabrielle. Mississippia: But Commander Princess, are you sure it's safe for you to be here? Our latest intelligence says Commander Cain is still aboard! Missouria: Thank goodness IFB has somebody secretly following him! Gabrielle: It's not a secret - it's a journalator and a videolator doing a day in the life of Commander Cain for their Hero of the Centar show. Missouria: What kind of secret is that? Mississippia: Well, who'd suspect a journalator and videolator of being spies? Missouria: That's true.... Mississippia: But Commander Princess, that still doesn't tell us how you're going to avoid being recognized. Gabrielle: (Smiling deviously.) Oh, trust me. No one will recognize me now. Missouria: How can you be sure? Gabrielle: I'm going to resort to that time-honored undercover method that has worked for numerous individuals with secret identities throughout the course of the history of the Colonies and comic books everywhere. Mississippia: What's that? Gabrielle: This! [With a flourish, Commander Gabrielle pulls out a pair of black-rimmed glasses and puts them on.] Mississippia: Ooh! That's devious! Missouria: But you're not a superhero! Gabrielle: Of course I am, just ask my fans. [Two more Miri Feathers disembark and join the group.] Thamesa: Hey, I thought Commander Princess Gabrielle was going to join us on the daggit hunt today. Where is she? Gabrielle: I am! I'm here! Avona: (Staring.) Who are you? Gabrielle: (Takes off glasses.) I'm Gabrielle! Avona: Ahh! What a clever disguise, I never would have recognized you! Thamesa: It certainly fooled me! Mississippia: But will it fool Commander Cain? Missouria: If it fools us, great trackers who know our Commander Princess Gabrielle as well as we do, and who know every Miri Feather aboard the FeatherStar, it'll fool one infatuated Colonial commander! [As if on cue- Nothing happens.] Narrator: Hey! Cue the Commander! [With a flourish of trumpets and the Miri Feathers looking expectantly in his direction, Cain strides into the bay.] Cain: A-ha! The Miri Feathers have returned! One of them is bound to know where the exquisite Gabrielle is. Miri Feathers! [The Miri Feathers glance about. Gabrielle steps forward.] Gabrielle: What do you want? Cain: I'm looking for Commander Gabrielle. Have you seen her? Gabrielle: Uh ... not in the last few centons. Cain: Darn. Well, if you see her, tell her that the dinner invitation is still open, all right? Gabrielle: I'm sure she'll get the message. Cain: Thank you. Say, I don't think I've seen you before - what's your name? Gabrielle: Uh ... Lindalee. Cain: Lindalee. Well, you tell her. (Strides toward his waiting shuttle.) Hmm, I could've sworn she looked familiar.... (Glancing back, then shaking head.) Nah... Thamesa: Lindalee? Gabrielle: Old friend of mine. All right, Miri Feathers - into the conduits! Let's find those daggits! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "I think I'll leave now." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 230 Scene: The bridge of the Pegasus, where Tigh is pacing back and forth. Crewperson #2: Sir! We're picking up something! Tigh: What is it? Crewperson #2: It appears to be a shuttlecraft. Tigh: What's it doing? Crewperson #2: It appears to be coming in for a landing. Tigh: (Resuming pacing back and forth.) I wonder if I, as commanding officer, should allow that? Crewperson #2: Too late. It's already landed. Tigh: Oh. Do we know where it's from? Crewperson #3: Yes, sir. It's from the Galactica. Tigh: (Perking up.) The Galactica? Ah! That could be Commander Adama, coming over to see how I'm doing as the officer in charge of the Pegasus! He'll be so impressed. Crewperson #4: Actually, sir, it appears to be Commander Cain, returning at last! Crew: Hurray! Tigh: Cut that out! Commander Cain. Frak. He won't be impressed. Nothing I did ever impressed him. Of course, he never impressed me that much either. As a person, that is. As a pilot and commander and strategist and tactical wizard, yes, I have to admit, he was pretty good. But the personal stuff kept getting in the way. No matter how good a person is at what he does, it's hard to like him when he's an arrogant, self-indulgent, proud, egocentric, self-important ... um.... Crewperson #3: Would you like a thesaurus, sir? Tigh: Yes, thank you.... (Accepts book and thumbs through it.) Hmm, haughty, disdainful.... Crewperson #2: (Interrupting.) Sir, is there a moral to this story? Tigh: Yes. We've gotta stop picking up stuff. Cain: (Strides onto the bridge with a dramatic flourish of his swagger stick.) I have returned! Tigh: I think I'll leave now. (Exits stage left.) [The bridge crew lets out their standard "welcome back Cain" cheer.] Cain: So tell me everything that's happened. Crewperson #1: Well, first the planets came to be, but we still aren't sure how. Cain: We don't know, huh? I think I picked the wrong secton to give up ambrosa.... Crewperson #1: And then the dinosaurs came, but they all got too big and then they died out. Crewperson #2: What has being too big got to do with dying out? Cain: I've definitely changed my mind about that ambrosa. Who's got a bottle? [Half the crew pulls bottles out from under their consoles.] Cain: (Fondly, as he accepts the nearest bottle.) Ahh, you're a good crew.... Crewperson #1: They couldn't hide in the bushes from the slings and arrows of the fearless human hunters. Crewperson #2: So the Miri Feathers were there! Crewperson #3: Did they live happily ever after? Cain: How could they? They were probably already avoiding commanders even then. Crewperson #1: They're all dead! They didnt live at all! Crewperson #3: The Miri Feathers are dead? Crewperson #1: No, the dinosaurs. Crewperson #4: How about the purple one? Crewperson #1: They got him too. Crewperson #4: Three cheers for the fearless human hunters! All crew: Hurray! Crewperson #2: So what happened next? [Cain and crew settle in for a nice long story.] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a mysterious figure in white say, "Get out while you still can!" ____________________________________________________________ _____ "Mongo is journalator for today. Mongo has nothing of deep philosophical impact to contribute; Mongo is just pawn in game of life, and merely tells it like it is. And what it is, is the thirty-third secton anniversary episode of.... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 231 Scene: The laundry ship, where a wall of suds is making its way aft from the shuttle bay. The security team rushes through the corridors, soaking wet and half covered with bubbles. Reese: Come on, we've got to find an escape route! Lomas: Every corridor we've taken has been full of suds! Mahoney: The entire ship is filling with suds! What can we do? Reese: We've got to keep trying! [They round another bend in the corridor and spot-] Tackleberry: Oh, no! More suds! We're trapped! [A mysterious figure in white approaches, lumbering out of the suds.] Mysterious Figure in White: Get out while you still can! Security: Aaaagh! Reese: Lords of Kobol, who or what is that? Lomas: Is it a ghost? Reese: Couldn't be - the laundry ship's never been haunted before. Mahoney: Is it an apparition? Reese: What would an apparition be doing here? Tackleberry: Is it a spectre? Reese: I hope not - Spectre's a Cylon. Lomas: So you tell us, what is it? Mysterious Figure in White: (Wiping suds away from its face.) It's just me! I got caught in the suds! Come on, we've got to get out of here! Reese: Colonel Tigh! What are you doing here? Tigh: (Brushing more suds off.) I just stopped on the way back from the Pegasus to the Galactica to check on the status of your attempt to retake the laundry ship - and I must say, I'm very disappointed! Lomas: You're disappointed? We've been pelted with dirty underwear, holey socks, and towels that seem to be alive! And now we've been driven from our only escape route by a wall of suds that cuts us off at every turn! Tigh: I know where to go! I know my way around this ship like the back of my hand! Reese: How's that, sir? Tigh: Thanks to Commander Cain, a long time ago, I spent a couple sectons on laundry detail. I still hate him for it. This way! Mahoney: We're saved! Tackleberry: Three cheers for the Colonel! [They rush around the corner to discover they've reached the laundry chute - and there's no other way out.] Tackleberry: There's no hope! We're trapped! Lomas: We'll be sent out the laundry chute! Mahoney: We'll be spaced! Tackleberry: And we're all wet! Tigh: Who are you calling all wet? Tackleberry: No, sir, I mean- [The laundry chute opens.] All Security Officers: Aaaagh! [They take that last long slide....] Tune in for the next exciting episode of :Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the captain say, "If that's true, what hope do they have?" X-UIDL: AMe"!9YX!!eLC!!0CT"! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 232 Scene: The bridge of the Federation starship Enterprise, where all crew are tensely on alert. Kirk strides in. Kirk: All right, what's going on? Why ... the red alert? McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a narrator! Let someone else update you! Kirk: Spock? Spock: Certainly, Captain. We appear to be intercepting information about events from a universe known as "Battlestar Galactica." However, something is very wrong with that universe. Kirk: Wrong ... in what way, Spock? I need ... details! McCoy: Yes, the captain needs details, you pointy-eared hobgoblin! Spock: That's an old insult, doctor. Kirk: We're an old show. Come on, Spock, just tell me ... what's going on. Spock: As you wish. It appears the current situation began with a series of relationship disruptions, which ultimately resulted in the marriage of two people named Jolly and Cassie, and their adoption of a large number of children orphaned in the Destruction of their Twelve planets, whom Jolly has a history of occasionally forgetting. Cassie had previously been involved with a warrior named Starbuck, who seems to have a great deal in common with you, captain, in the female companionship department, and also with a warrior named Cain, who seems to have a great deal in common with you in the strategy, military genius, and reputation department. We have no information on Jolly's past relationships. However, their adopted children seem to cause quite a stir whenever they appear. Kirk: I can see that. Reminds me ... of an Amazon planet I once visited for a couple of weeks. Their kids could cause ... quite a stir, too. Spock: I had become aware of that visit, sir. It appears a number of Amazons, perhaps the same ones, have joined the fleet as well. Kirk: Oh? Well, we'll make sure we ... avoid contact with that fleet then, so we don't have to ... um, worry about the Prime Directive. Remember that, Uhura, we're not ... contacting them. Uhura: Aye, sir. (Aside.) We also don't have to worry about the child support. Spock: To provide additional data, another warrior, named Apollo, is engaged to a woman named Cordelia, whose very presence causes a statistically significant increase in accidents and injuries. His father, Adama, is involved with Tinia, a member of their governing Council of Twelve. Also on the Council are Belloby and such luminaries as Melbrook, Domra, and Geller - there appears to be a grave question as to the ability of the Council to carry out its function, which often results in Adama overruling them. Kirk: Civilian governments can be ... difficult. But then ... so can military ... dictatorships. Spock: Yes. Recently addressed problems include a strike on the laundry ship, which is causing what appears to be a near civil war in the fleet; the recurring appearances of a being named Iblis, who appears to be a demon or other embodiment of evil; the return of a battlestar named Pegasus and its Commander Cain; the lingering effects of the murder of Ganymede, a well-known fashion couturier, by members of a mysterious sect known as GETALIFE; and the presence of ghostly historical creatures known as dire daggits. Kirk: My god ... Spock ... that all sounds ... serious! Spock: Indeed. But perhaps of significance, there are suggestions of temporal anomalies and the presence of both ionized chronoton particles and universal metabolic Omega leptons. Kirk: (Pondering.) Anomalies and chronotons and leptons, oh my. If that's true ... what hope do they have? Spock: Logically, none. McCoy: We should try to help them! Spock: We cannot. The ionized chronotons have created a poli-particlized field which, if we attempt to cross it, will cause our warp core drive to go critical and explode. The Omega leptons would cause a chain reaction ripple effect throughout the very harmonics of not merely their subspace but our own. In fact, I believe our very presence in this universe endangers them - any attempt to approach or contact them directly could result in a massive matter-anti-matter- chronoton explosion that could wipe out their entire existence. Scott: Will our back-pack sized mass spectrometers be of any use? Spock: Doubtful, Mr. Scott. Scott: How about our Aldebaran whiskey? Spock: Possibly. McCoy: What are we doing here if we don't even belong in this universe? Spock: That is a logical question, doctor - the odds against our being here are astronomical to the point of infinity, and I cannot explain it. However, I have found that when dealing with humans, especially that singular group known as SF fans, logic may not always apply. I am sure we will find a way to leave them to their existence, such as it is, without destroying their universe. Sulu: What do you think, Pavel? Chekov: Sounds like a crock of borscht to me, Hikaru. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Barbarella say, "It's good to be the queen." X-UIDL: &Ob"!#;9!!F^R"!V^J"! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 233 Scene: Wilker's old lab on the Galactica. Boomer is trapped in a daggit kennel, while Dr. Barbarella works on ... something at one of the lab consoles. The good doctor is dressed like something from an old b-movie - close-fitting, lots of color, lots of glitz, and would probably be able to walk around unchallenged in the Emperor Ming's palace until Flash Gordon decided it was his wholesome wide-eyed heroic duty to rescue her and dress her in an ordinary modest dark two-piece suit with a white blouse and a lab coat and sensible flat shoes. (Bo-ring....) In his kennel, Boomer quietly works on something of his own, occasionally casting a furtive glance at the doctor. He's just wearing his warrior uniform. Boomer: (Stretching as much as he can in the close confines of the kennel.) Hey, how about a little caff to keep me awake? Barbarella: Hmm? Oh, caff. Sorry, no caff for you. But I think I'll have some. Boomer: Why? Barbarella: Because I want some. Boomer: No, I mean, why can't I have some. Barbarella: Because I'm in charge here, and you're in a cage. Isn't that right, my little daggit dearies? Little Daggit Stuffit: Arf! Barbarella: Therefore I get to say who gets caff and who doesn't. (Preening.) It's good to be the queen. Little Daggit Luffit: Arf! Boomer: You're mean. Barbarella: No, I'm mad. I'm a mad scientist. Everything else just comes along with it. Let's go get that caff, my little daggits. [Barbarella and daggits head toward one of the conduits.] Boomer: Why don't you just take the hall? Barbarella: You think I want to be caught in public in this outfit? Boomer: So why are you wearing it? Barbarella: It's the latest thing for mad scientists who want to take over the world - I saw it in Ganymede's last fashion show and I've been waiting for the chance to wear it. Can't let a Ganymede original go to waste, you know.... Boomer: I see your point. Barbarella: Which one? There's fifteen of them on the hat alone! Boomer: Uh ... right. All of them. You've got lots of points. I see them all. Barbarella: Hmm, you can see my points? Maybe when I get back we can talk about an alliance. I could use a few flunkies. [The doctor and her daggits vanish in the conduit. Her last words are a mutter of disgust as her three-feet-wide headdress catches on the side and she winds up trailing beads as she goes.] Boomer: A flunky for her? Not likely. I've been a flunky for Apollo and Starbuck long enough! I'm ready for a starring role! [Boomer quickly slips off his belt and begins flicking it across the lab table, pulling small parts and wiring to him.] Boomer: A-ha! This is exactly what I needed! (He continues rapidly tinkering the parts and tools he's managed to pilfer over the past day - hey, that history of hotwiring hovermobiles is coming in handy!) Doctor, I hope you're listening.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "You're not what I expected." X-UIDL: *0h!!#VJ"!ia1!!f\"#! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 234 Scene: Space ... the final frontier. Aboard the MiriFeather shuttle, exhausted MiriFeather warriors travel back to the FeatherStar to recuperate from the long centars of searching the conduits and passages of the Galactica for the mysterious spectral dire daggits. Why? Well, why not? A gal's gotta do something when she's not romancing heroes, rinsing out her leathers, or raising kids. Avona: Commander Gabrielle! Gabrielle: What is it? Avona: I'm picking up something! Gabrielle: Good for you! It is those arrows you dropped when we came aboard? Avona: Ooops! No, sorry, that's not it. Gabrielle: That stack of spears somebody tipped over back by the weaponry cabinet? Avona: Uh-uh. I didn't drop those, I'm not picking them up. Gabrielle: Rearranging your cleavage again to get the pieces of that broken necklace out? Avona: No. Gabrielle: Then what? Avona: It looks like a couple of bubble sculptures flailing around in space. Missouria: Do flubble sculptures flail? Gabrielle: Not as a general rule - maybe they're just caught in a backlash from some ship or other. Missouria: Are there backlashes in space? Gabrielle: Uh.... That's not important right now. Let's retrieve those bubbles - they might be important. [Over the next few centons, the Miri Feather shuttle grapples and retrieves the bubbles. Why they thought grapples could capture bubbles in space, who knows. By the time they're done, they've pulled aboard five collections of suds. They turn out to be- ] Tackleberry: (Wiping suds from his face and flinging handfuls of them in every direction.) We're saved! Hey, it's a babe! Mississippia: Can I kill him now? Reese: (Also blowing bubbles and spitting out suds.) Whew! If not for those bubbles surrounding us, we wouldn't have had any air to breathe! Mahoney: (Coughing and sputtering.) You call that breathing? Reese: Beats the alternative. Lomas: (Bubble-voiced, as though speaking through water and suds.) That's your opinion... Gabrielle: (Staring at the motley sudsy group.) You're not what I expected! Tigh: What were expecting? The Scorpian inquisition? Gabrielle: Nobody expects the Scorpian inquisition. I was expecting bubble sculptures, from the famous bubble sculptor Neptunia. Reese: Never heard of her. Gabrielle: That's your problem. In any event, I wasn't expecting a group of spaced security officers and a battlestar executive officer! Tigh: Everybody else gets spaced, why shouldn't we? Gabrielle: All right, you got a point there. So what are you doing out here in space, covered with suds? Tigh: Escaping the Laundry Ship. Lomas: You call that an escape? Whew, what a close shave! We almost got creamed! Tackleberry: (Licking his lips.) Doesn't taste like shaving cream.... Reese: Cut it out, bubble-brain. Missouria: Will you quit throwing suds on me? Tigh: Security, that's enough with the soap comments! Gabrielle: Yeah, I think we've all heard enough bubble jokes. Lomas: Well, it is a soap opera. Gabrielle: Missouria, spear that one if he opens his mouth again. Missouria: Right, Commander Princess! Tigh: Can you drop us off on the Galactica? Gabrielle: Sure. Avona - reverse course. Back to the Galactica. Avona: But we just came from there! Gabrielle: It's that or listen to more bad bubble jokes! Missouria: The bubbles are evil?!?! Avona: Reversing course, double time.... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "Last one there's a grid rat!" X-UIDL: 2Ga!!O*J"!i@<"!pC1!! "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 235 Scene: The O Club of the Galactica. At a table in the corner, Colonels Pascal and Majer are drowning their sorrows in a couple of ambrosas. Pascal: (Sighing loudly.) And I thought coming to the Galactica was a good career move! Majer: (Sighing not quite as loudly - nobody sighs as loudly as Pascal - nobody does anything as loudly as Pascal.) I believe you. Certainly better than being on the Pegasus - I mean, Cain goes through executive officers pretty fast. Pascal: Yes! After all, he's gone through five executive officers in the last three yahrens - and Adama's still on his first one! Majer: There may not be upward mobility, but there's something to be said for longevity.... Pascal: And survival! [Enter Colonel Tigh, looking downcast and a little soapy, squishing as he walks.] Bartender: Hey, Tigh! You look like you could use a few suds! Tigh: (Grumbling.) I'm already in the suds. Bartender: Sorry to hear that. Just trying to be your basic humorous and sympathetic bartender. Tigh: You failed. Bartender: At least I've got nice hair. Tigh: That doesn't make me any happier. Bartender: Okay, well then, let me just offer you some ambrosa. Tigh: That I'll take. Bartender: (Handing it to him.) Cheers, Colonel. [Tigh takes the drink, then spots his fellow colonels, and joins them in the dismal corner.] Tigh: Mind if I join you? Majer: I don't know, I'm not sure we're on speaking terms.... Pascal: Be nice, Majer! I get the feeling he's now a former executive officer of the Pegasus! Majer: Is that true? Tigh: (Sighing loudly.) Yes. Majer: Have a seat, buddy. Tigh: So what do former executive officers of the Pegasus do with themselves when they're not being spaced, ignored, or assigned to the laundry ship? Bartender: (Setting down another round of ambrosas.) Did you hear? Commander Cain's gone back to the Pegasus, and Commander Adama's burying himself in the archives to read some dusty old Gemonese mystical tomes written by the greatest mystics in the history of the Colonies. Tigh: Which mystics? Bartender: Nobody knows - there's some spell on 'em that makes people forget who wrote 'em or somethin'. Kinda cool, huh? Tigh: That's ridiculous! Bartender: As opposed to the rest of this saga? Tigh: You got a point. Majer: So who's in charge of the Galactica? Pascal: And the fleet!? Bartender: (Shrugging.) Position's open, from what I hear. Whoever shows up on the bridge, I guess. [The three colonels look at each other calculatingly.] Tigh: Last one there's a grid rat! [And they race out of the O Club at warp speed. Okay, they can't go at warp speed, wrong universe. So they go at Factor Four - re-watch "Take the Celestra," (heh-heh) you'll figure it out.] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Karibdis say, "You weren't going to tell him, were you?"