BATTLESTAR GARLICTICA This one is from the rip-off magazine called Cracked. Very bad magazine, rarely funny on the several occasions that I actually bought it... but this parody has its moments. BTW, I used to know the distinction between parody and satire rather better than I remember now. :-) If "parody" is wrong, then use "satire". :-) I do have the original saved, but drew all over it in a fit of artistic pique years ago; at least I still have it, though. ;-) There are those who believe that life here started out there. And there are those who just don't care and would much rather be watching "All in the Family" or "Alice". But for those who do, there are some who say that there are people out there this minute struggling to survive. TIGH?: Commander Adarna, are we really struggling to survive? ADARNA: Didn't you *see* last week's Nielsen's? Oh, there is much more I could tell you about this matter, but my sky pen is running out of ink. So, as these travelers search for that planet called EARTH, let me leave you with two last words -- the title, which is BATTLESTAR GARLICTICA -- ADARNA (at the wheel of a sailing ship, making a "left turn" arm signal): And so our search goes on to find the planet Earth. STARSCHMUCK: Did somebody look behind the toaster? ADARNA: We didn't *lose* it! Since our planet blew up, we've been searching for a new one to call home -- a planet that will support life the way... TIGH: That's *enough*, Commander! After 18 weeks of hearing the same explanation, I think even our dumbest viewers get your drift. [Background details: Apollo is standing by grimly, silently. A bridge beam has "POST NO BILLS" taped to it...] ANEMIA (regarding this silent, staring figure): Commander, your son Alpo is here. ADARNA: I can *see* that. ANEMIA: Hey, look, Pa. I gotta get my lines where I *can*. Alpo gets to fight Nylons. Alpo gets to fall in love and adopt a child. What do I get to do?!!... Nothing! Nothing, but sit here and stare at a screen with very little on it! (But Starschmuck is sitting beside her, grinning hugely.) STARSCHMUCK: Sounds like what 39 millions viewers are doing this very second! ADARNA: What is it, Alpo? ALPO: *Bad* news. ADARNA: Is there any other *kind* on the _Garlictica_?!! ALPO: Our food supplies are running low. The head of the Agro ship just confessed to me that when our old planet was going, even though he knew there was just an hour left until the explosion, instead of shopping for food, he snuck out and went bowling. ADARNA: The nerve! TIGH: What should we *do*, Commander? ADARNA (looking nervously at a book entitled _The Star Trek 'What a Commander Should do in a Crisis' Book_): Nothing. To avoid setting off a panic, simply tell everyone that, for a few days, I'm putting the ship on a special no-food and paste diet. TIGH: That oughta throw off their suspicions! ADARNA: In the meantime, you Warriors will look for food and... BUMMER: I'm afraid it'll have to wait, sir. Our daily attack by the Nylons is starting. ADARNA: But I haven't finished my big food speech. BUMMER: Sorry, sir, but you know how Nylons are. [Background detail: Kirk is hanging out with the Warriors...] ADARNA: Have a good mission. And Alpo, if you should shoot down a Nylon, search his body. ALPO: For weapons, sir? ADARNA: No, sandwiches!! I'm starving! ADARNA (back at that sailing ship wheel, with Spock at a bridge computer): Are they ready? ANEMIA: Yes, Commander. ADARNA: Get ready to start the "shooting-the-ships-from-_Garlictica_' tapes. "Yes, folks -- again!" [PTOO PTOO] ALPO: Is everything okay? STARSCHMUCK: A-OK, Alpo -- except... ALPO: What, Starschmuck? STARSCHMUCK: I've got this *urge* to *float down the Nile on a barge*! ALPO: It's just these King Tut helmets of ours! BUMMER?: Hey, guys! Enough talking. Here come the Nylons! --Special effects people, DO YOUR STUFF! [Four hands are seen suspending Vipers and Raiders in space. "Oh! Oh! Ah, Special Effects... your hands! We can see your hands!" comes offstage voice.] [BLOOEY!] ALPO: They got Starschmuck!! ...Starschmuck, come in. Are you all right? OPERATOR: 15 cents for another 5 minutes, please. STARSCHMUCK: I don't know, Alpo. The ship suffered some minor damage. But I think I can pilot her down to that planet below us. [Actually, all that's left of his Viper is the seat and control console, plus a bit of floor. :-)] ALPO: Planet!??... Where'd that planet come from all of a sudden? BUMMER: One always shows up when we have to crash-land. Call it the luck of having a superior being on our side. ALPO: Oh, you mean The Force? BUMMER: No, the *script writer*. ADARNA: How is everything going, Anemia? ANEMIA (at console with C3PO and R2D2 on screen, and Uhura lurking nearby): Starschmuck, Bummer, and Alpo are about to crash-land on some strange planet and we've lost all communication with them. ADARNA: Good grief! TIGH: I don't know *why* you're so *surprised*. It happens every week. ADARNA: True. But each look of surprise or shock gives me another chance at winning the Emmy for 'Best-look-of-surprise-by-a-leading-actor-in-an-almost-dramatic-series'!" I guess I should tell Alpo's son. He's liable to suspect something anyway -- especially when his father doesn't show up for dinner for five or six years. And besides, it'll let our viewers see that *adorable* space-age pet of his. ?: Somebody call. ADARNA (confronting Timmy and Lassie): Wait a second. You're not Loxy -- and that's not Muffin! Where are they? TIMMY: They were tied up, so I did them a favor and came on in their place. [They find Loxy and Muffin literally tied up in a closet.] TIGH: I'll *say* they were tied up!! TIMMY: Okay, so I *detained* them for a second. Me and the dog are tryin' to make a comeback. I mean, with all the sci-fi and space stuff all around, nobody's giving work to a sweet kid and a normal looking Collie anymore. ALPO: Okay, I'm guiding my ship down to join you, Starschmuck. [He approaches a mountain that, for some reason, he can't evade. "Oh! Oh!" he gasps, and then BLAU! right into the side of it; Starschmuck and Bummer find him ejected from the ship, on the ground, rather tattered...] STARSCHMUCK: Alpo, are you all right? ALPO: The landing was a little rough. BUMMER: *Rough*!?? You *crashed* right into the side of that mountain! ALPO: You can't get much rougher than *that*. [Lots of sound effects suddenly. WOK! WOK! KEERUNCH! THUMPA! THUMPA! KRUMP!] BUMMER: I wonder where we are? STARSCHMUCK: And what those strange noises are. BUMMER: Maybe they're just Severin sound effects. [I guess Severin was a guy at the magazine.] ALPO: No!... They're coming from over... oh my gosh... guys! We've landed on... THE PLANET OF THE APES! [Giant apes attack them.] BUMMER: Isn't that *pushing* it a little? ALPO: Look, Bummer. When your show has the sets and effects of Star Wars, the plots of Star Trek, and the intelligence of Lost in Space, no one's gonna notice one more little steal. BOOMER (as they get tied up by apes): We'd better get out of here fast, while there's still a chance. ALPO: Great idea... let's put some teeth into it! [SNAP! BITE! CHOMP! AYOMP! They bite the apes' hands as hard as they can, are dropped, and hop away madly, still tied up.] BUMMER: Quick! Over to my ship! (They get in, presumably untied. Apes attack again.) Holy fracas! They're beating my ship to a pulp with those huge bananas! STARSCHMUCK?: No wonder my head feels like it's ready to split! [Tarzan also shows up, armed with banana, yelling "N'gowa! N'gowa!" But Boomer launches, FOOSH!] ALPO: We made it! (All three are jammed into the Viper.) BUMMER: Alpo, your elbow is in my ribs. ALPO: Well, you shouldn't be eating when it's this crowded. BUMMER: No, fool! My *rib*-ribs! STARSCHMUCK: This is the last time I fly on one of those super-saver fares! ANEMIA (with MASH playing on her screen): Commander! Bummer, Alpo, and Starschmuck are back! ADARNA: Thank you, Anemia. ANEMIA: You know, I feel like a doorbell! All I ever do is tell you when people arrive. This show sure doesn't use my talents to the fullest potential -- a bright girl like me. ADARNA (with this *wicked*-looking smirk): But you forget -- you also get to stare at the screen. ANEMIA: Oh, right. ADARNA: Did you find any food, men? STARSCHMUCK (with *giant* banana stuffed into his jacket, somehow, don't ask the logic of it!): A little. I managed to swipe this banana from the planet we were stranded on. ADARNA: Good work. Take this to the kitchen and have them split it into 187,000 equal slices for dinner. ADARNA: Well, that's a start. But I'm afraid we'll need more if we're to survive. ALPO: Wait, Father! On the screen!... There!... A food outpost! ADARNA: What luck!! ADARNA (standing in doorway of _Garlictica_, which appears to be idling over a Jack in the Box restaurant...): Oh, Keeper of the Food, we'd like 21 billion burgers -- 16 without onions -- 12 million small fries, and a cup of tea. CLERK: Is that to go or to eat here? ADARNA: To go. And so, with their problems solved for now, the ragtag team of ships continues looking for the planet called Earth. ANEMIA: Pa, what's this note in your diary mean? ADARNA: Which one? ANEMIA: The one saying, "When we reach Earth, look up *Ponderosa*." Yes, Earth... where once they find it, their problems will REALLY begin. The end. -- ......RSH, Sarah, aka norville@sirius.com...... June 16, 1998